Clone High (2023) s02e08 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special episode
of Clone High.
Abe was put out
when his demon girlfriend
was put out of commission
before she could put out.
And Harriet put out a story
about the whole thing.
The phrase that pays on our show
today is "put out."
And guess who
just made four dollars?
No!
-(SNORING)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morning, sunshine!
Dad (GROANS)
What time is it?
My watch says pancake o'clock.
(LAUGHS)
-It's 4:30 a.m.
-Dad!
I'm sorry, I'm excited!
I've got your parent-principal
conference today.
I finally get to meet
your new teachers,
your new friends,
your girlfriend.
Now, why do you have to say it
like that?
Because I'm a cheesy dad!
And I know how special
Cleo is to you.
And if she's that special
to you,
I'm sure I'll feel the same way.
Right?
-Uh, yeah. Absolutely.
-Great!
Okay, so I'll let you enjoy
your breakfast.
I'm just gonna take
a little Polaroid of my angel
for the road.
(IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER)
-Aw, it's a keeper.
-Bye, Dad.
(GASPS) There's, like,
no oxygen under there.
I literally almost died.
Oh, my God,
it's pancake o'clock!
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(BELL RINGING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm in!
Just one final button click
and all my dreams come true.
(MUNCHING)
(SHRIEKS) Pop-up ad!
No! Get away!
You'll never defeat me. Click!
-(MUSIC FADES) ♪
-Yes! I did it!
I just bought an island on eBay!
How did you buy an island
when you can't even afford
name-brand Swedish Fish?
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: I prefer
the taste of Norwegian Guppies!
(WAR HORN BLOWING)
And I haven't actually
bought the island.
I've secured the winning bid.
Now, I have 24 hours
to come up with the money.
We've got parent-principal
conferences today!
That's it!
Parent-principal conferences!
(GIGGLES)
It's the perfect opportunity
to solicit bribes in exchange
for scholastic favors.
-(SIGHS) I already feel dirty.
-Well, get ready to feel filthy.
Filthy rich!
And probably
regular filthy, too.
I'm suggesting we be open
to sexual favors. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, yeah, I got that. Wesley.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Just noticed some profanities
on the lockers.
Adding that
to my talking points.
Dad, you know these meetings
are only ten minutes each.
Ten minutes?
Another talking point.
-Yeah, it's so bright in here!
-Oh, no.
-Mom, do not hit on the Elvises!
-(SLURRING) Good morning,
-Elvises.
-(GROANS)
There was four of them, right?
(GRUNTS)
-Mom of the Year, right here!
-Who's that girl?
Good question.
I've never seen her before.
Just shameful how she's speaking
to her mother.
Mr. Kim, we're ready for you.
CLEO'S MOM: Hey, Red Sweater.
You writing down
your number for me?
-He doesn't like you, Mom!
-Hmm.
You smell
like a Dave & Buster's!
FRIDA'S DAD: Mm-mm.
-(GROANS)
-(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I wish my foster parents
could finally see my school.
But they're so busy jet-setting
around the world that they miss
the important events in my life.
Snorkeling meets,
dentist appointments,
family photos.
(SOMBER TUNE PLAYS) ♪
-Point is, I'm home alone a lot.
-Aw, Sorry babe.
Well, at least this day
has no dire consequences.
SCUDWORTH: Attention, clones!
Parent-principal conferences
this year are mandatory!
If any clones' parents
don't attend,
said clone will be banished
to the freezer.
(FREEZER WHIRRING)
-(ALL GASP)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Joan, what do we do?
I think I've got it.
You said your parents
have never been
to this school, right?
Right.
So, they've never
met Scudworth?
-Hmm.
-Are you thinking
-what I'm thinking?
-I'm thinking about pandas.
-Confucius!
-They're comforting!
Lemme get this straight.
You want us to pose
as Confucius's parents?
Exactly!
Never! Maybe if you guys
didn't make my horny girlfriend
implode into
the mirror dimension,
things would be different.
But you did do that!
So, I'm still just like
expensive olive oil,
extra virgin.
She was a demon, Abe.
We only did that
so that you wouldn't die.
Yeah, but at least
I wouldn't have died a virgin!
I had a virgin uncle
who died of smelling
his own farts,
but all anyone could talk
about was how he was a virgin.
I dunno, maybe he was a virgin
because of the farts.
No, he was a virgin because
he lost his wiener
in a tap-dancing accident!
But, again, all everyone talks
about is that he died a virgin,
not a tap-dancing fart machine!
God, I miss him!
(SHRIEKS, CRIES)
JFK, how would you feel
about posing as my dad
for the parent conference?
(GASPS) You should be ashamed
of yourself!
-Huh?
-Hmm?
Kidding! I was already
in character. I'm in.
-Wow!
-Wow. He's good.
(BELL RINGING)
What's wrong, Dad?
Your principal
is a morally bankrupt,
money-hungry megalomaniac.
And I think the robot
was offering sexual favors
in exchange for money.
I'm worried this is the wrong
learning environment
for you, Frida.
We might need to change schools.
No, Dad! Sure,
Mr. Scuddleworth's a weirdo,
but all my friends are here!
And there's no way
I could leave Cleo.
She's the best thing that's ever
happened to me.
Well, then why
haven't I met her yet?
Where is she?
-(STUDENT GROANS)
-CLEOPATRA: I know you got gum!
-(WHIMPERS)
-Gimme your gum!
She's not in today.
She's getting extra credit,
uh, working
at a soup kitchen
for elderly amputees.
Oh, well, that is commendable.
(CHUCKLES)
Why don't you invite her over
for dinner tonight?
I'd love to hear her make a case
for attending Clone High.
To be clear,
I would be wearing latex gloves.
I'm gonna research other schools
just in case.
-Love you!
-CLEO: Oh, did your dad leave?
I wanted to meet
the guy responsible
-for raising my favorite person.
-Well, you're in luck.
He invited you
to dinner tonight.
Amazing! My foster mom
just makes pizza bagels
when she's drunk,
and she's been drunk
since we met.
I knew you had gum,
you piece of shit!
I see you chewing it!
-(STUDENT SCREAMS)
-(SIGHS)
You're looking
less than thrilled.
I have to introduce Cleo
to my dad at dinner tonight.
The only way he'll let me stay
at this school
is if he likes her.
You're in luck,
'cause I just launched
a start-up designed
to help people
in exactly your situation.
-I'll give you
a little backstory.
-(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I was watching this movie
about a famous matchmaker
called Cyrano, then I got bored,
so I switched to this show
about Elizabeth Holmes
and her company, Theranos.
That got me so inspired,
I didn't even watch
the second half of the series.
I just came up with my product
and rushed it to the market.
And that's how Cyranos was born.
But how can Cyranos work for me?
I'm glad you asked.
With my makeover guidance
and skillful
conversational coaching,
I will turn Cleo
into the type of person
your dad will love.
You see, Cyranos is built
on an elaborate network of lies.
Over time, those lies
produce results
you won't believe.
-And this is legal?
-Yes!
Is that one of the lies
you were talking about?
"No! Just do it. It's fine!"
-Okay, I'm in.
-Fuck yeah!
"Cyranos, bitch!"
-Cyranos ♪
-(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Hey, girl. Heard about dinner
with Frida's dad tonight.
Ooh, what's this you're wearing?
This is Snuffles.
He was my pet chinchilla,
but he got boring,
-so I scarfed him.
-(EERIE MUSICAL STING) ♪
Um, okay.
When I say I "scarfed" him,
I don't mean I ate him.
I just mean I turned him
into a scarf.
Chic. But, you know, Frida's dad
is super uptight and moralistic.
-Ew.
-I know.
So, listen, what I'd like to do
is offer you a reverse makeover.
AKA a make-under.
We can put it
on my Cyranos corporate card.
Whatever, as long
as you're paying.
Leave a like
on the Cyranos website!
Seriously, though,
leave a like!
'Cause I'll know if you didn't!
-(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
-(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Thank you for meeting with us,
Principal Scudworth.
Our son, Confucius, is our son.
Indubitably. We may be absent
from his day-to-day life,
but he's always present
in our thoughts
since we are his parents.
Yes, we truly love our son,
who is named
Confucius.
-And scene.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I thought it felt nice.
You guys look and sound
just like my parents,
if they loved me
and were ever in this house.
Instead, I'm a real
Kevin McCallister,
obsessed with aftershave,
diabolically sassy
-and always home alone.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
You guys are gonna be great!
We're gonna pull this off,
and I'm not gonna get thrown
in the freezer!
(ALL SHIVER)
-All right, everyone, hands in!
-Now, let's go!
Wait! Not that door!
(SCREAMS)
What's with all the booby traps?
Ah, boobie. (LAUGHS) Ow.
I told you I'm home alone a lot!
A boy has a right
to protect himself.
Oh, gee! Look out for the nails!
-(YELLS, SCREAMS)
-CONFUCIUS: Duck!
Oh! It's too late.
You got punched already.
-But wait!
-(SCREAMS) Ow!
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
(WHIMPERS)
Are you all right?
I'm A-O-JFK! (SCREAMS) Why?
Makeunder, makeunder ♪
Makeunder, makeunder
Makeunder, makeunder ♪
Makeunder! No, no, no ♪
Makeunder, makeunder
Makeunder, makeunder ♪
Makeunder, makeunder
Makeunder! No, no, no. ♪
(SHRIEKS)
For you and me ♪
All right. What if we tried
something besides a push-up bra?
This is a push-down bra.
Do you have anything
that pushes further down?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-So, how do you feel?
I feel like we picked
the worst clothes
-in the entire mall.
-Right?
Now, let's practice small talk.
-Ask Van Gogh how he is.
-But I don't care how he is.
-Just give it a try.
-(MUNCHES)
(SCOFFS) How are you
so pale and gray?
(SOBS)
No. Okay, no.
You just roasted him, right?
-We want to keep the talk small.
-It's Van Gogh.
The talk is always
gonna be small.
-(CRIES, MUNCHES)
-(SIGHS) Okay, look.
This is the crown jewel
of the Cyranos product line.
With this in your ear,
I can feed lines
to you directly.
So, you wanna change
the way I look
and the way I talk?
For Frida! Her dad was talking
about making her change schools.
What? No, he can't do that.
You gotta nail this dinner
and convince him
to let her stay.
-Okay, gimme the ear thingy.
-(SLURPS)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Last one.
(VINCENT VAN GOGH GROANS)
Cyranos ♪
-Hey, Abe. Do you have a minute?
-(GROANS)
Abe, JFK's broken.
We really need you to step in
and play Confucius's dad!
Oh, play your fake husband?
Frig no!
How can I ever forgive you guys
for what you did to me
and my wiener?
(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS) Hey. C'mon.
-C'mon.
-"C'mon"?
C'mon.
ALL: C'mon!
Thanks for the really sincere
apology, guys. We're cool.
-Hey, come on.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
How dare you!
You think it's that easy, Joan?
It was that easy for them!
Can't you just forgive me?
Sorry, you and I have baggage.
And it's heavy!
Easily over the 50-pound limit.
And you can't just take
your shoes out
and put them in your carry-on
this time, Joan.
We will never,
ever be friends again.
Now, I'm gonna help out,
but only for my bro, Confucius.
-I mean, my son, Confucius.
-Thanks, Dad.
-(ALL SIGH)
-(GRUMBLES)
(DOORBELL DINGING)
(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Can I help you, ma'am?
-Frida. It's me.
Just messing with you, babe!
You look perfect.
Just get me to a chair.
I can't walk in flat shoes.
A couple hours with my dad
and you can go back
to your bad-ass self.
-You got this.
-(EARPIECE STATIC)
Correction, we got this.
That's the Cyranos promise.
Cleo! (CHUCKLES)
So delighted
to finally meet you.
You must be tired
after the day you've had.
Frida told him you missed school
because you were working
at a soup kitchen.
Why?
Well, uh, it can be tiring
looking out for others.
Just say that you're fine
and that helping people
energizes you.
I'm fine.
Helping people energizes me.
-Huh. Wow. That's impressive.
-Told you she was awesome, Dad.
-Say you're blushing.
-I'm blushing.
"And blushing's about as close
as I get to wearing makeup."
-(LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
We're having fun.
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-With a sizable donation
from you today,
we'd be delighted
to rename our science lab
The George Washington Carver
Science Center.
-Huh? Huh?
-I'm actually between jobs
and was hoping to apply
for financial aid.
Yuck!
You're asking me for money?
-Well--
-No, no, no.
No, nah, nee, no, nee, nah, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No! No, no, no.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
-Confucius's parents are here!
-Finally, rich people!
We need a windfall, Mr. B.
If I don't get the money soon,
Cloney Island is going
to the next highest bidder!
So happy you two could make it,
Mr. and Mrs.
Confucius's parents!
How's your money going?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I mean, your day going?
Wealthy, I trust.
Well, I trust fund
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Please come in.
-ABE LINCOLN: Hmm.
-JOAN OF ARC: Indubitably.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Well, I would do anything
for my son, Confucius.
Even sit here
next to his mother, my wife,
a woman I can't stand.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Let's not talk about our issues
in front of the nice principal,
dear husband o' mine.
Your expensive travels have
taken a toll on poor Confucius.
We've found that the best way
to turn things around
is with a sizable donation
from the parents.
You can blame my mean wife
for our long absences, Mr. Sir.
She is a selfish woman
who is a terrible friend.
Actually, it's my husband
who has terrible judgment
and follows his dong
instead of using his brain,
so I have to bail him out
of deadly situations.
-Ha-ha, that's rich!
-(GASPS) Speaking of rich,
-would you like--
-You see, Mr. Principal,
my wife only shows interest
in me when I'm with other women.
My husband only wanted me
when I was popular,
but when I was an outcast
under the bleachers
when I needed him the most,
he left me out to dry!
I've given you
a million chances,
-but you'll never change.
-Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Cash, cash, cash!
-Money, money, money!
-Cash, cash, cash!
-Money, money, money!
And that is the harrowing tale
of how I saved 49 orphans
from the blood diamond cave.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
-(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Wow. (LAUGHS) Just wow.
This is going great. (CHUCKLES)
You're everything I'd hope
you'd be and more, Cleo.
-(ONO MEOW'S)
-Get down, Ono! You dummy!
-Oh, no, you dummy!
-(GULPS)
Uh, I'm sorry. Excuse me?
Settle down, you little beast
-(GASPS)
-or I'm gonna neuter you!
-Um
-I-- I think Cleo means
that she needs to settle down
after a long day
of helping others.
Including people who have
sadly been neutered.
-(FIRE ALARM BEEPING)
-Sorry!
There's a fire
I'm trying to put out!
-I'm trying to put out.
-I beg your pardon?
-HARRIET TUBMAN: I'm on fire!
-I'm on fire.
-Um, uh. (CHUCKLES)
-Cleo, focus.
Sorry. (EXHALES)
I'm a bit frazzled.
Right. Well, I think we're all
a little off today.
I'm still in shock
from the display I witnessed
at your school this morning.
Dad, you don't need
to get into that.
Really? What happened?
So, there was this awful girl
-Dad.
-too much makeup,
too little clothing,
too much attitude.
-You know the type
-Dad. (GROANS)
Frida, don't interrupt.
Her mother had fallen
to the ground,
and instead of helping her up,
this girl was shouting
these terrible things at her.
I see.
Frida didn't mention this.
She was probably trying
to put it out of her mind.
Did Frida mention the girl
probably had to put up
with an alcoholic mom
who embarrasses her
everywhere they go?
-(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Well, thankfully for everyone,
Frida said
she didn't even know the girl.
-Oh, she did, did she?
-Cleo, please.
I just wonder if that girl
you both think is so awful
looks anything like
No! Abort mission,
abort mission! (SCREAMS)
this!
It was you?
Frida, how could you do this?
Now, you can meet the real me,
Mr. Frida's Dad.
I wear too much makeup,
too little clothing,
and have too much attitude.
I'm Cleo-fucking-patra.
And I'm so done with this shit.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Well, someone needs
to put two dollars
in the swear jar for that
and it's not gonna be me.
(GROANS)
ABE: Well, you belonged
under those bleachers, Jernice!
JOAN: Sometimes, I wish I had
let you have sex
with that demon because then
you'd be dead, Archibald!
-This isn't good.
-Don't worry. I have an idea.
-(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
-Okay, you've actually gone
way over your allotted time
and I have to charge you
for that, so if you just want
to shoot me
your Swiss bank account
number, we could
-Stop fighting, Mom and Dad!
-(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JFK: Listen to my grandson!
That's right!
It's Grandpa Eddie
back from the war,
full of wisdom
and blunt force trauma!
You two have so much history.
All relationships have
ups and downs.
But at the core of it all,
you two mean something
to each other.
Work it out. For the kid,
my foster grandson.
Your foster son
who is Confucius.
Grandpa was it Freddie?
is right. I'm sorry
for blocking your dong, husband.
I just care about you,
and I thought
I was doing the right thing.
But I realize I should have
let you and your dong decide.
Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart,
and the bottom
of my dong's heart.
-Aw.
-(SCREAMS) You mother--
(SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS) ♪
Real foster mom
and real foster dad? You came!
Of course we came, son!
We had to pick up our racehorses
on our way home from Monaco,
and we naturally thought
we'd stop by
for parent-principal
conferences.
Well, then who the flippity fuck
have I been talking to
this whole time?
It appears they've been
students in wigs.
I'm assuming this is for bribes?
Archibald and I
would like Confucius
to graduate top of his class.
Keep the change. (LAUGHS)
Cloney Island is mine, Mr. B!
Whoo!
Deactivating prostitution mode.
Yippee!
-Cleo, wait up!
-(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What?
-I-- I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Sorry you don't like
the way I talk
or the way I look?
(SCOFFS) How do people walk
in these ground huggers?
Cleo (SIGHS)
I actually thought we were doing
this whole stupid thing
because you were embarrassed
of your dad. But now I get it.
You're embarrassed of me.
Well, fuck that.
Hey,
I'm so not embarrassed of you.
I think you're amazing!
And I should never have
asked you to change who you are
just to please my dad.
If he can't see what I can see,
then that's on him, not on you.
I love you, Cleo.
For everything you are
and for everything you aren't.
Then why would you ask me
to change?
I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't have asked you
to do any of this.
But the fact that you did
makes me feel
like the luckiest girl
in the world.
-Seriously?
-Absolut-- (SCREAMS)
(GASPS) You gotta be kidding me.
That was all from Harriet?
-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
-Hey, heads up,
I can't do refunds.
No, Cleo! I meant every word
Harriet just told me to say!
I just did that 'cause I didn't
wanna mess this up!
Oh, nothing's messed up.
Now everything's exactly
how it should be.
-Really?
-Yup.
-We're done.
-What?
I'm officially
breaking up with you,
effective immediately.
-Do not try to follow me.
-Cleo, no! Wait.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Well, real Mom and real Dad,
how 'bout some fro-yo
and a catch-up sesh?
'Fraid not, sport.
We've gotta jet to Majorca
to see a man
about some golden pills
that'll make
our doo-doo sparkle.
How about a hug?
(ALL GRUNT SOFTLY)
And some
walking around emeralds.
-Joan, these are for you.
-(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-For me?
-You make our boy happy.
We just want you to keep making
him happy while we're gone.
And we're always gone.
-Oh, I don't feel comfortable--
-No takebacks!
-Ta-ta! (LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS)
They do care about me.
Just in small, infrequent doses.
Thanks for coming
to my rescue, gang.
Ow, ow! I'm still very hurt
from the boobie traps!
(LAUGHING)
Boobie. I can't help it.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-So?
-She broke up with me.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm the one
who lied to everybody.
I guess I got what I deserve.
No one deserves to have
their heart broken like that.
Besides, you just wanted
Cleo and I to like each other.
Imagine that.
Someone being protective
of the people they love.
I do love you, Dad.
I love you, too.
Heart-shaped pancakes
tomorrow morning?
Sure. Maybe we wait
until after sunrise, though?
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CHUCKLES) Deal.
HARRIET: Frida! Frida!
Frida, are you there?
Harriet, what's wrong?
HARRIET: I think I'm getting
raided by the Feds.
Can I come over and put
some stuff in your toilets?
Please! (GRUNTS)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-FEDERAL AGENT:
Open up, Miss Tubman!
One minute!
I thought you said
it was all totally legal?
HARRIET: Oh, my God,
who cares what I said?
How many toilets do you have?
I just need
one more round of funding!
-FEDERAL AGENT: We're comin' in!
-(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Okay, gotta pivot.
(GRUNTS) Is anyone here
a venture capitalist?
Cyranos ♪
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪