Code Monkeys (2007) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Birds chirping]
[Clare sighs]
Clare: That was
some office party, huh?
Wake up, lover.
I'll make you eggs, and you can
eat them off my ass.
Jerry: [groans]
Oh, my head.
What is this place? Ohh.
It's your bedroom, Clare.
Oh, my gosh! It's your
bedroom, Clare!
Where are my underpants?
Clare: You made me eat them.
They were salty. Thanks for
the best night of my life, stud.
Jerry: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
I have to go.
Clare: But I love you. Say you
love me, or I'll kill myself.
Jerry, don't tell anyone.
Or if you do,
say I have really big boobs.
Dave, something awful has
happened!
The last thing I remember is
being at the office party,
and then I woke up
in Clare's bed.
Dave: I'm not ready
to talk to you yet, dude.
Jerry: What do you mean? And
what happened to your arm, Dave?
Dave: I'm not ready to talk to
you right now.
Jerry: What happened last night?
Dave: Oh, you want to know
what happened last night?
Jerry: Yes. Why are you so mad
at me?
Dave: Oh, you want to know why
I'm mad at you?
Jerry: Stop repeating
what I say.
Dave: Oh, you want me to stop
repeating?
-Dave!
-Fine.
Where to I start,
Captain Tequila Shooters?
Oh, I know. How about you
barfing on Tom from accounting?
[Music playing]
Jerry: I'm Tom from accounting.
I make sure you get paid
on time.
Tom Accounting, your feet
smell like barf.
Tom: That might be because you
barfed on them. You're an ass.
Dave: Dude, uncool.
Even I know that.
What's the last thing you
remember?
Dave: The last thing I remember
is winning that trip to Hawaii
in the raffle.
Larrity: And the winner is
Jerry.
Jerry: What? Yes.
Larrity: There you go, Jerry.
One trip to Hawaii.
Man: You suck.
Jerry: I never win anything.
I'm going to Hawaii. Wow!
Dave: Yes, and then came
the Jell-O shots
and the beer with the bottle
of Jack as a chaser
and then, my personal
favorite
Jerry: Hey, get out of the way,
Rockin' Ron Gilbert.
Your moves are just basic.
Ron Gilbert: Is that supposed to
be a dig
on my program Graphics BASIC?
Jerry: You knows it.
I heard you're going to work at
LucasFarts.
Ron Gilbert: Yeah, LucasArts.
That's funny.
I've got a good job now with
some other talented people.
You're hilarious.
Jerry: Farts!
Dave, voice-over: Then you made
a toast.
Jerry: The king would like to
propose a toast
to my balls.
Let's bring 'em out here.
Don't be shy. I washed 'em off
in the punch bowl.
It's OK.
[Co-workers spitting]
Hey, did I mention that I have
crabs?
Jerry: Now we all have crabs!
[Laughs]
Everyone say,
"Thank you, Jerry."
Larrity: Dog it! That's
the second time this week
I took a dip
in the old crab bowl.
Mary: Get him out of here, Dave.
Dave, voice-over: Oh, and you
peed on Benny.
Jerry, voice-over: What?!
Benny: What's your problem, man?
Jerry: Just be cool.
My pee's gonna make him grow big
and strong,
so don't even worry about it.
Jerry: I'm a monster!
Dave: OK. So that was, like,
the first 10 minutes of
the party, and then you
put it into overdrive.
Jerry: "Defender"?
Defend yourself from this,
Eugene Jarvis.
Your game has too many buttons,
scrolling shooter with map view?
Eugene: How about I draw you
a map to my fist?
Jerry: How about
I draw you a map to my butt?
Eugene: Nice comeback.
Jerry: I'm gonna be honest with
you, man.
You scare the [bleep] out of me.
Hey, you want to hear
a Black joke?
Black Steve: [Bleep] you, Jerry.
Jerry: The Civil War never
happened.
You know what did happen?
Alderaan.
Hey, baby, I'm gonna kiss
your mouth.
It's so cool that you have time
to be both a programmer
and a lesbian.
Hey, are you scared of going to
hell, you know,
because of the lesbo thing?
[Mary growls]
Dave: Oh, and then there was
that incident
in front of Kevin Rush.
Jerry: Hey, yo, I once
sidecarred an elephant.
Kevin: How dare you!
In front of my kids, Jerry?
Jerry: Hey, how old is your
daughter anyway?
Dave, voice-over: Dude, and
then, of course, there was
that guy Monty Dew from
accounting
and Judith St. Desk.
Jerry: I saw these two
together in the bathroom.
And Judith is married.
What a slut.
Dave, voice-over:
Then it was my turn.
-Dave, you want to see a trick?
-Jerry, dude, no. Let's go.
When I'm the voice of reason,
reason is in deep
[bleep] trouble.
Jerry: Dude, not till you see
my trick.
I knows karate. Hyah!
Dave: Aah!
[Moans]
My jack arm.
Jerry: I said those disgusting
things in front of those kids,
insulted the only girl I love,
and broke your jack arm?
Holy [bleep]! I'm so sorry.
Dave: Whatever, Johnny from
"Karate Kid, whose last name
I can't remember because of my
throbbing broken arm.
Dude, let's just go to
the pitch meeting.
Larrity: Now, I don't need to
tell you that last night's
office party was
more out-of-control than
a bourbon-drunk stripper with
daddy issues blowing rails
off a Hell's Angel's tailpipe.
Therefore, all future parties
are canceled until some people
can learn to clench their
pee hole.
Jerry: Oh, man.
Todd: Too bad my girlfriend
couldn't show up to partake
in the merriment.
She had to work once again.
Mary: Todd, for the last time,
dolls can't be girlfriends.
Ditto Grimace costumes
and office chairs
with holes stabbed in them.
Todd: I refer neither to
purloined mascotry,
nor to my furniture.
I have a real girlfriend.
She has flesh and is flush with
feelings of love
for yours truly.
Black Steve: So, Todd, have you
actually seen this boyfriend?
[Laughter]
Todd: Girlfriend! And, no,
I have not seen her in
the traditional sense,
but so what?
We enlightened elves see
with our souls.
So she is still my steady.
Yes, it's quite serious.
We BBS each other all day long.
Larrity: Boy, you best stop
spreading lies
about your personal life
and pitch me a gosh-dog game.
Todd: Very well.
This game is called
"The Glorious Wedding
of Todd and Kitty."
I realize this is a departure
for me
since romance games are Mary's
specialty.
The player is the fair maiden
Kitty--meow--
who must rescue the handsome
Todd, double meow,
from Smurfington Manor.
Larrity: Give me one good reason
I shouldn't shoot you right now.
Todd: Because I'm in love, and I
don't care who knows it!
Mary: It's really kind of sad.
Black Steve: You're getting sad
and hilarious mixed up.
[Jerry chuckles nervously]
Jerry: Listen, everybody,
I have a game I want to pitch.
It's called "I'm Really Sorry."
In "I'm Really Sorry," the main
character Jerry realizes that he
hurt lots of people at
a party, people that he
cares about.
Then he works really hard
to regain his friends' trust
because he knows that they feel
violated.
So what do you say?
Larrity: That was the worst game
pitch I ever heard
in my entire life!
Dean, give him the old ex-wife
neck hug.
Dean: No problem, bro!
[Jerry gagging]
Jerry: I deserve this.
Todd: Then I thought to myself,
"How could I ever improve
my game, 'Cave and Cavern'"?
Mary: Who the hell are you
talking to?
Todd: My girlfriend thinks
"Cave and Cavern" is
probably the most inventive
game yet.
A creative zenith, she calls it.
Ha ha! I can't say I disagree
with her.
Mary: Oh, right.
Your "girlfriend."
Tell me, Todd, what do you
thinks she looks like?
Todd: I do not think, Mary.
I know,
because she has told me.
She is Black.
Yes, I'm in an interracial
relationship.
And she is from the great state
of Michigan.
She likes to travel and provides
aid to people in need.
Wendy: And why wasn't she
at the office party last night?
Todd: Because she is
a chauffeur for a crime fighter.
And as we all know,
crime does not sleep.
[Women laughing]
Ooh! I'll show you!
I'll show you all! Kitty is
a real person, and she loves me.
Is that too hard for you to
believe?
Mary: Yes, it is.
Dave: Don't worry.
I think you actually made
some headway in there.
Just be cool, OK?
Jerry: Hey, guys.
Mary: I don't see how you can
still hang out with him.
Jerry: Look, it's just that--
Dave: Because we're best pals,
Mary. That's why.
Dude, she'll get over it.
[Dial-up modem connecting]
Todd: Ah! Milady is on the BBS.
Dearest Kitty, it is your Todd.
"Hey, hot-Toddy, is that
a joystick in your pants, or are
you" Son of a bitch! Whoo!
That's ribaldry for you.
Fairest Kitty, my friends do not
believe you exist.
"I don't care about your
friends,
I just want to f--" Whoa!
A thousand times yes to your
prurient proffer.
When can you be here?
"I can be there in 10 minutes."
I'm already wet with
anticipation.
Did that sound wrong?
I am wet. No matter.
I soon will be one with
the one I love.
As Tiffany: Who you talking
to, Todd?
Todd: Oh, no, you don't.
You don't own me anymore.
Now that I have these,
my little Tiffany go-away pills.
As Tiffany: Don't you take
those pills. They'll change you!
Todd: In the closet with you,
you horrible wench.
As Tiffany: Wench? Well,
I wasn't your wench last night
when I was giving you
a genital massage.
[Clatter]
Jerry: It's over, Dave.
My career is over.
[Gasping]
Dave: Stop being a drama queen.
Jerry: How could I have said
and done those things?
It's just so unlike me.
I've worked so hard to be a good
person.
And, boom, just like that,
I have the rep of McEnroe.
Dave: If you want to be a good
drunk like me, you have to
drink all the time.
It takes a lot
of practice, dude.
Hey, look at it this way:
maybe underneath that
nice guy exterior, you're
a real douche.
I think I'm starting to
respect you, man.
Jerry: Oh, no. It's worse
than I thought.
If everyone hates me, then I'm
just gonna have to quit.
And if I quit, then I won't have
any money.
And if I don't have any money,
then I won't be able to
pay the rent.
And if I can't pay the rent,
I'm gonna have to go hobo
and give knuckle dusters for
nickels.
[Breathing heavily]
Dave: Can I borrow
a nickel, man?
Clare: Oh, there you are, Jerry.
Want to grab some--
Dave: No.
Clare: I know you're playing
hard to get, and I like it.
Jerry: And there's that! How did
I end up in Clare's bed?
Did you know that--did you know
that we had relations?
Dave: Please, dude, do not ask
me to think about that.
It makes my brain puke, kind of
like when you puked
on Tom from accounting.
Jerry: Stop. I'm so ashamed.
I need to start the healing
process before it's too late.
Dave: What are you gonna do,
dude? Pay them off?
Erase their memories?
Reset the bones in their arms
so they don't throb every time
I try to whack it?
Jerry: Better. I'm going to
write apology notes.
Todd: Ohh, I just hope she
doesn't notice my bacne.
I'm as nervous as a schoolgirl
astride her first pony.
What a majestic machine.
There is no way the woman who
steps out of that machine is
anything less than a perfect 5.
Kitty, are you in there?
Show yourself, my dear one.
Kitty, 'tis I. Uh, uh, 'tis me.
'Tis moi, your prince.
[Male computer voice]
Hello, Todd.
Todd: Your voice is
more masculine
than I expected, Kitty.
KITT: I go by KITT. Get in.
And in conclusion, Dean,
I'm sorry I told you
Clarence's ball-gag tasted
like rainbows.
Your pal, Jerry.
Dave: Yeah. You know,
sucking ball trick + apology
does equal forgiveness.
Jerry: Ohh. I really hurt
some people's feelings.
Dave: Look, if it means that
much to you,
I'll help you apologize to
everyone in person tomorrow.
Jerry: Wow. You would do that
for me? I'm touched.
Dave: Yes, I'll do it for you
and for 50 bucks.
Jerry: What? No.
Dave: Ow. Ow.
Make my arm stop hurting.
You know, the one you broke.
Jerry: Fine. Here.
[Cash register ringing]
Todd: KITTy, may I say you have
the aroma
of a fine Corinthian leather?
KITT: That would be the smell
of Michael,
the last man I had inside me.
He did all sorts of vile things
to me.
Todd: Ah, I, too, am a victim.
Perhaps later we can exchange
stories.
Tell me something, KITTy,
are you the ghost of
a dark elf haunting a car?
KITT: Shut up and shift me into
fourth, Todd.
Todd: But I just saw you
downshift.
Surely you can do it yourself.
KITT: Do it.
Todd: Oh! As you wish.
KITT: Ohh. Yeah! Tighter.
Hold it tighter.
Todd: Aah!
You're not in a lane!
You got to turn here before--
[Truck horn blaring]
KITT: Danger. It's been
a long time since I've been
In the hands of a real man.
Todd: Thank you.
So few appreciate my
virile grip.
KITT: Put me in third, Michael.
I mean Todd. Now!
Back to second. Ahh! Ooh!
First. Ha ha. Ha ha.
Todd: Neutral?
KITT: No! No! First!
Yes, yes. Now second again.
Todd: Your commands are giving
me a PG-13 feeling.
KITT: Do what you're told,
man hands.
Todd: Yes, milord. Your
wish is my command. Aah!
-How do I look?
-Like the guy who broke my arm.
Jerry: Hey, Black Steve.
Black Steve:
[Bleep] you, cracker.
Dave: Well, that went well.
Uh!
Benny: Screw you, Dave!
Dave: Uh!
Dave: He hates me just for
hanging out with you.
Thanks for dragging me into
this, Jerry.
Jerry: I'm so sorry, man.
Dave: Those little fingers pack
a mighty punch.
There was a grown man's rage
in that blow.
Jerry: My life is over.
Dave: Cool out, dude.
Come on, Jer.
It's a fact of life.
Bad, dirty things happen at
office parties,
but everyone will get over it.
Look, as long as you're cool
with Larrity, it's all good.
So come on.
Dave: Mr. Larrity, I got
Jerry here. He needs to--
Larrity: You! How dare you come
in my office.
You ought to be ashamed of
yourself, son.
Now, git before I get a case
of the murders.
[Firing pistol]
Dean: Once Dad-bro starts
shooting, he can't stop.
Front punch. That'll teach you
to trick me into putting
Clarence's bonbons in my e-hole.
Clarence: Hey, Dean,
the ice-cream man ♪
Is in my pants ♪
Dean: Sweet! I just got
my allowance.
Dave: Don't worry, Jer.
Larrity's a special case.
No one else wants to kill you.
Jerry: What the hell?
Eugene Jarvis!
Eugene: Defend against these!
Dave: Aah! On second thought,
you might--ow!--
want to apologize harder.
Todd: Why are we at
the back of this mini-mart?
Nachos are obtained through
the front.
KITT: Do you know what it feels
like to straddle 800 horses?
Todd: I can't say that I do.
KITT: Take off your pants.
Todd: But--
KITT: Do you want to walk home?
Todd: No.
KITT: Take off your pants.
Todd: My buttocks are bared.
And I feel extremely vulnerable.
KITT: Sit on me.
Todd: But I am sitting on you.
KITT: Ride me.
[Todd screaming]
Dean: I just won a dollar
from Clarence. What a dumb-ass.
Jerry: I'm glad you all could
make it. Who's hungry?
Black Steve: It's a little early
for lunch.
Mary: I just had a bowl of
cereal.
Jerry: Well, get hungry,
everybody
because I bought you all lunch
from Big Ass Burger.
Dave: Go ahead. Dig in,
everybody. It's really tasty,
compliments of your best pal,
the J-man.
Jerry: So you won't eat.
Fine. I get it. Tit for tat.
Dean: Ha ha! Tit! Good one, bro.
Jerry: To make up for what
happened last night,
I'm going to let Tom from
Accounting puke on me.
Go ahead. Puke on me.
Tom: Sorry, Jerry.
I just don't have to puke.
Dave: Maybe this will help.
Wookie vagina.
Jerry: I hope you all can love
me again.
I did this for you!
Todd: Can't we just talk
for a moment?
KITT: About what?
Todd: Any topic will do.
My favorites are cheese,
cheese-based products,
cheese-flavored products,
dragons, fantastical realms.
KITT: I don't care about your
fantasy land, Todd.
Don't you get it? You're just
another desperate ATM whore
I cruised on the BBS.
Todd: I mean nothing to you?
KITT: Less than nothing.
Todd: Well, if that's the case,
you can forget the lube job I
promised you.
KITT: Look, Todd, this is
just casual, right?
Todd: Take me home!
KITT: I thought you was cool.
Todd: I said, Take me home!
KITT: Fine.
Dave: Dude, what are you doing?
Jerry: Typing my letter of
resignation.
-What?
-Dave, I think I have to quit.
I've racked my brains, and I
can't figure out
how to make this right, but I
can do right by you, Dave. Here.
Take this ticket to Hawaii.
You deserve it.
It's the least I can do
for all you've done for me.
Dave: Your trip to Hawaii?
Thanks, man.
Look, Jerry, I'm your friend,
dude, and friends help friends
when friends act like asses
towards co-workers.
I can fix this for you
once and for all.
Just let me work my magic.
Jerry: I don't know, Dave.
I've already tried to apologize,
and nothing has worked.
Dave: That's because you
don't know
how to talk to people, dude.
There's just something about you
that makes people angry.
But you lay low for a while.
I'll take care of everyone
myself.
Jerry: You'd do that for me?
Thanks.
What can I do to repay you?
Dave: You pissed off a lot of
people, dude. Black Steve, Mary,
Larrity, Kevin Rush,
Monty Dew and Judith St. Desk,
not to mention Jerry Face and
Henrietta Waste-Paper-Basket.
This might take a while.
Don't wait up for me.
Jerry: You're a good friend,
Dave.
I'm so glad that that's over.
Mary: What's this about?
Jerry: It's my apology note.
It's the least I could do
after, you know,
I called you a lesbian
and stuff.
Mary: Jerry, you didn't say
that. Dave did.
Jerry: Dave? No,
that's impossible.
Mary: You got drunk on two beers
and passed out after the raffle.
But Dave
Dave: I'm Tom from accounting.
I make sure you get paid
on time.
Jerry: I love you, Mom.
Clare: I love you, too.
Mary, voice-over:
Dave pissed off everyone.
Dave: It's cool. My pee will
make him grow big and strong!
I got super pee.
Hey, everybody, I'd like to
propose a toast to my balls.
I washed 'em in the punch bowl.
Heh heh! Burn.
Mary, it's totally cool that
you have time to be a programmer
and a lesbian.
Dave: So you don't hate me?
Mary: Nope.
But I don't like you-like you
either, OK?
Dave: Wait a minute.
[Voice of Dave]
Pissed off a lot of people,
dude. Monty Dew.
Jerry: "Monty Dew"?
Mountain Dew! No.
[Voice of Dave]
Henrietta Waste-Paper-Basket.
Jerry: "Waste-Paper-Basket"?
[Voice of Dave]
Kevin Rush.
Jerry: "Rush"? "Kevin Rush"?
Clare: GameAVision.
How may I direct your call?
Jerry: Clare, I have to ask you
something really important.
Clare: The answer is yes as long
as you go slow at first,
then you go fast, then slow,
then fast, then faster,
then faster!
Jerry: No, Clare.
I need to know if we have
an employee named Kevin Rush.
Clare: Um, no.
Jerry: Judith St. Desk?
What about Jerry Face? He
doesn't exist either, does he?
Clare: You're the only Jerry who
works here, stud.
Speaking of which, Mr. Teddy
needs his favorite lover.
[Dial tone]
Hello?
You scared away another one,
[bleep]-hole.
Jerry: But Dave was with me when
I apologized to everyone.
Unless
Larrity: You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, son.
Black Steve: [Bleep] you,
cracker.
Jerry: Dave was the cracker,
not me.
Benny: Screw you, Dave!
Jerry: "Screw you, Dave"?
Dean: Front punch.
Jerry: Oh, my God.
He was aiming at Dave.
Dave: Your trip to Hawaii?
Thanks, man.
This might take a while.
Don't wait up for me.
Jerry: It was Dave all along.
It's a setup.
He knew I didn't remember
anything,
and he played on my innate sense
of crushing guilt.
He pissed everyone off and then
stole my trip to paradise
so he could be gone for two
weeks while it all blew over.
Damn you, Dave, you evil genius!
[Vehicle horn honks]
Dave: I am an evil genius,
and it's time for this genius
to get laid. Get laid.
Oh, yeah.
Jerry's gonna like that one.
I'll tell him when I get back.
Todd: Uh! I've been dumped.
Used like a common
serving wench,
discarded like an empty wineskin
upon love's dung heap.
And I like it. Oh!
I hope we can do it again.
Oh, hello. Did you see?
I told you it was real.
I've been used for my man hands
and supple nethers,
then tossed to the wind like
so much chaff.
I have loved and lost,
and I am in dire need of
soothing unguent.
but at least I had love,
even if it was a car.
Yes, you heard me!
I loved a car.
Wendy: Good for you.
Todd: Yes, good for me.
Good day, sluts.
Mary: In love with a car.
You don't think he's gonna try
and bang my Celica, do you?
Wendy: We should lock
our car doors just in case.
Dave: I'm going
to Sunnyvale Airport.
How far are you going?
KITT: All the way.
Do you know how to drive
a stick?
Dave: Hell yeah, I can drive
a stick, talking car.
KITT: Then let's go for a ride.
[Gas hissing]
Dave: Whippets? No. Poppers?
Mescaline? No. Ether. Hmm,
whatever. It doesn't matter.
Nice, dude. Here comes
the darkness.
[Vehicle horn honking]
[Elephant trumpets]
Jerry: Now we all have crabs!
[Laughs]