Columbo (1971) s02e08 Episode Script

I came here, I think, to make an arrest.
- I'll kill him.
! - You didn't even have a motive.
I stand to inherit half of his estate.
There's something about your uncle's death that's very disturbing.
- What am I, some kind of suspect? - Well, you could've had him killed.
- Does that put me on your list? - Do you think that your brother is guilty? Norman could have shoved Lisa right off the balcony.
We were supposed to come down two years ago, but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws, we ended up in Animal Land.
- You're a bum! - Would you mind too much coming with me to the bathroom? Good hit.
Good touch.
Ah, finally.
Showing your years, Mike.
Showing your years.
Not so.
You just refuse to show yours.
Touché.
Take care of the body, Mike, and the body takes care of you.
Oh, yes.
I know, I know, I know.
Protein, Mike, protein.
Better than those doubles you had before lunch.
En garde.
Touché.
Good hit.
Good hit.
A pleasure always.
Ah, Mike, you're too much for me today.
Hi there, bridegroom.
Bridegroom.
Ah, Dexter.
How are you? How about that old guy, huh? Is he wild? Is he wild? - Hello, Dexter.
- Glad you stopped by, Dexter.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss shaking hands with an old goat like you who's good enough to snare a beautiful chick like What's her name? Hey, where's the honeymoon gonna be? Dexter, your uncle is getting married tomorrow.
It's not the same as going out for a night on the town.
Oh, relax, Michael.
Don't argue semantics.
My nephew stopped by to wish me well.
I rather hoped you might bring your brother Norman with you.
Well if Norman were to come which I hope he does, by the way it certainly would not be with me.
Still? You're two grown men, Dexter, for heaven's sake.
Mr.
Hathaway, you're a very nice man and you happen to be an excellent attorney.
But the day you can make a merger between me and my beanbag brother, that is the day they'll appoint you to the Supreme Court.
Uncle, good luck to you, you old roué.
Thank you, Dexter.
When you come back from your honeymoon, I want a nice, home-cooked blowout.
Don't let Mrs.
Peck hear you say that.
Hey, wow, I got stuff in the oven.
I'm baking some stuff for her to take over to her sister's house.
Don't let him wear you out, Mr.
Hathaway.
He already has, Dexter.
Already has.
Take care, Uncle.
Glad you stopped by, boy.
Take care.
Well, Michael, let's get at it.
I know what I'd like to get at.
A nice, cold martini.
Yes, I know, Michael.
En garde! Ah, look at them.
Look at them.
Beautiful.
Les Tartes Strawberre a la Dexter Paris.
Exactly as prepared on my little Thursday cooking show for all my hypoglycemic housewives.
You know what your uncle would say if he could see that display.
He'd give you a big nutritional zero and throw them in the garbage can, right along with that TV show of yours.
No, he wouldn't.
You know why, you gorgeous thing? Because in about an hour, you're going to sneak down to your car and take them to your sister's house, and you and she will pull down the shades, lock the doors and devour each and every one of those little things, right? Well, Betsy has a sweet tooth.
Oh, Betsy does, huh? Look at this mess.
Will you get out of here, and I'll clean this up so the cook won't quit.
Come on.
Cheer up, will ya? Don't you realize my uncle's girlfriend's gonna pick him up tonight, whisk him away to some teenage health resort and marital bliss and return and take all these dismal kitchen chores right away from you? Well, I think it's disgusting.
That's what I think.
She's young enough to be his granddaughter.
That snip.
And if she thinks she can take better care of that man than I've been taking for 30 Come on.
Come on, you feisty creature you.
Don't you know no one can do without you around here? Oh, you're soft-soaping me.
I am not.
Oh, here now.
I'll thank you to dribble those crumbs on somebody else's floor.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
You old phony grumpy.
Have a nice vacation, eh? Mmm.
Great.
Go.
I'll call you as soon as we get back, Michael.
All right, and I wanna go over those oil lease agreements.
Oh, good.
Well, my very best to your bride, Clifford.
Thank you, Michael.
I guess now we'll really find out what kind of shape you're in.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Peck.
Good-bye, Mr.
Hathaway.
I thought you were going to your sister's, Mrs.
Peck.
Well, I-I thought I should stay around in case you needed something.
After all, I'm the only one who knows where everything is.
Although, I suppose your young bride-to-be won't need me.
Now, Mrs.
Peck, you have been the mistress of this house and you always shall be.
Lisa wouldn't have it any other way.
So you lock up and go on.
She claims it's just a head cold.
I hope to heaven that's all it is.
What if it's not? Dr.
Werbel, supposing it's something I - Supposing it's something serious.
- Supposing it is.
You're not just a fullback anymore, playing for glory on some football field.
You're also a doctor now, Rocky, and if you're not cold and hard and tough enough to justify the faith and confidence of your patients, you can hand me your stethoscope, Rocky, right now.
- Hello again, Uncle.
- Well, Dexter, what a surprise.
Not as surprised as I was when I realized I'd forgotten your wedding present.
Here it is, just an ordinary electric mixer.
Well, my-my goodness.
A plain, everyday kitchen utensil.
Blend, mix, whip.
But it's more than that.
Much more than that, Uncle.
Well, I-I'm not very fond of appliances, but thank you.
You're welcome.
Uncle, you're gonna get a real charge out of this.
Well, what? Oh, please.
Don't go off.
- Well, what in heaven's name? - Sinofron is dangerous.
I won't agree.
Dr.
Werbel, you've had 30 years as a general practitioner.
I'm new.
I'm green.
You're purple.
Tell me, what can I do? What can any of us ever do, Roger? Oh, we can, I suppose, be grateful for little Maryanne's coming to us with a head cold.
If she hadn't, we might never have known she was a terminal case until it was all over.
Please wait.
I'll just be a minute or two.
Oh.
Mrs.
Peck, how nice to see you.
Is Mr.
Paris ready? I'll tell him you're here.
Good.
Oh, never mind.
I'll just scoot on up.
Please.
I do think you'd better let me fetch him.
He may not be quite dressed.
Why, Mrs.
Peck, you're talking like we were a couple of children.
Clifford.
Clifford.
I got a taxi waiting.
Clifford.
Are you decent? Well, ready or not Oh.
He's not upstairs at all.
I even checked his bathroom.
## Could be in the new gym, I suppose.
I bet it's that electric bicycle I got for him.
Oh, isn't he absolutely adorable.
I'll bet he's down there right now just rowing away.
Oh, there you are, you silly.
Now, why aren't you Clifford.
Clifford, would Clifford.
Clifford.
! Hey, Lieutenant.
How are you? Well Believe me, I know just how you feel.
Dobrinsky, I don't even know how I feel.
Give me a handkerchief.
Lieutenant, you-you got a handkerchief? Open the door, Dobrinsky, will ya? You got one? Who is she? Victim's, uh, fiancée.
Supposed to be their wedding night.
Oh.
Isn't that awful.
Yeah.
What'd he die of? Coronary.
What are we doing here? Well, she called us hysterical.
Said something about everybody's after the old fellow's money, and that, uh, he was too healthy to die like that, so Mmm.
What'd you say? Old fellow? Yeah.
Boy, old fellow has a lovely fiancée.
Oh, yes.
Old fellow have nice, young fiancée.
Old fellow drop dead of a heart attack.
You have my handkerchief? No, she's got it.
Oh.
Well, anyway.
Come on.
We have to go through the motions, huh? What'd she do? She kept it? I don't know.
His chest was about here.
Mm-hmm.
Left leg rotating.
Mm-hmm.
Both arms hanging down.
Mm-hmm.
That's about it.
Mm-hmm.
Then, um, when Mr.
Hathaway came up from the gym with him, he went upstairs.
I- I thought he was going to change to get ready for Do you have any idea at all what time that that would be? You-You must belong in some pigsty.
Do you do that in your own home? Do you? I'm sorry, ma'am.
Forgive me.
I'm awfully sorry.
I didn't realize that I was doing that.
This is Mrs.
Peck.
Dropping ashes from a stinking cigar.
Let me see if I can clean that up for you.
Stop that! You're rubbing it in! Oh, forgive me, ma'am.
I didn't realize.
You know, sometimes it's a habit.
Let me see if I can clean that up.
This house What I'll do is I'll get this spray and I'll You broke Mr.
Paris's pitcher.
Get him out of here.
! Mrs.
Peck.
Get him out.
! Come over here for a minute.
Will you please? Get him out.
! And I just took off.
I waved good-bye to Mrs.
Peck and drove away.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, he was as healthy as a horse when I saw him.
He was in the gym.
He was fencing.
It's-It's inconceivable.
I can't believe it.
Hello.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Paris.
Thank you.
Mrs.
Peck.
May I come in? I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Who might you be? How do you do? Dexter Paris.
Mr.
Paris's nephew.
I hope it's okay I'm here.
Mrs.
Peck phoned me and I came over.
Oh, listen, I'm glad you came.
I mean, uh, well, things like this, they can be awfully rough on everybody.
Officer, I'm afraid I have to apologize for my conduct.
I was very overbearing.
Ma'am, please, accept my apologies.
What happened was this.
I came here with a cigar, and I didn't realize it, and, uh Anyway, I, uh I dropped some ashes on the floor down in the gym, and, uh, it was very clean down there, very clean.
In fact, the whole house is spotless.
Upstairs and down - You said upstairs.
- Uh, I Well, now, ma'am, I am the police officer and I deemed it reasonable That's one of Mr.
Paris's towels that you have.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
I'm gonna be flat out with you, ma'am.
I was upstairs looking around.
I wanted to throw some water on my face you know, just sort of clear my head, you know? And, uh I used Mr.
Paris's bathroom for a minute.
I was very careful.
That's very brave of you to admit, Lieutenant.
What were you planning to do, dry your face on the way down the stairs? Was that your plan? No, no.
I used that very nice hand towel up there.
I hope you don't mind.
But this towel was in the hamper and damp.
See? Feel.
- Oh, I believe you.
- Uh, Mrs.
Peck.
I would like to tell you something.
This house is always immaculate.
At 4:00 p.
m.
today, every towel in Mr.
Paris's bathroom was clean and dry and in its place.
I checked personally.
I do not allow damp towels to remain in the hamper.
And that I believe, ma'am.
I certainly do believe that.
But, um, this towel was in the hamper.
I swear.
And damp.
Very damp.
And I was just wondering Wait a minute.
What difference does it make if it was in the hamper? I don't understand Excuse me.
Uh, Lieutenant, could I see you for a minute? What did you want, Murray? Well, now, what do I what do I tell the coroner? I think you better tell him an autopsy.
- An autopsy? - Shh.
Please.
I don't wanna upset her any more than she is.
Please.
She's a very emotional person.
What do you mean autopsy? Now, did my uncle die on his exercising machine of a heart attack or didn't he? I mean, what's this autopsy business? Well, that's what Lt.
Columbo has to decide right now.
Like hell he does.
I am the next of kin, my brother and I.
I understand that.
I am not signing any authorization for an autopsy, nor will my brother.
It's still up to the lieutenant here, you understand? Why is it up to him? Homicide.
Look, now, I'm sure there's nothing there.
Nothing at all.
I think autopsy, Murray.
It is really just routine, Mr.
Paris.
You got it.
Good night, Mr.
Paris.
Look, uh, Murray, before you go, I don't wanna have to trouble Mrs.
Peck anymore.
What did she say about the burglar alarm system? Oh, yeah.
I noticed the switch on the way down from upstairs.
Yeah.
I asked her about that.
Burglar alarm was set for about 7:30 p.
m.
, somewhere around there.
That's the same routine they followed since it was installed.
That was, like, 1 4 years ago.
Okay.
Before you go, have somebody check the burglar alarm system and check out all the windows.
Let 'em keep an eye out for footprints.
Okay.
Thank you, Murray.
Lieutenant, just what is this about? Why this sudden investigation? Look, Mr.
Paris, it would be a big help if you and I could go to the gym.
Uh, that way, you could, you know, show me around without Mrs.
Peck getting upset again, you know what I mean? Boy, oh, boy.
Your uncle must have been in terrific shape.
Fifty pounds.
Lieutenant, would you mind telling me why you think an autopsy is necessary? Well, there are a couple of things that bother me.
I wonder why he came down here for a workout right when he was supposed to leave to get married? Does that seem odd? No, the man had an insatiable appetite for life, for exercise.
What can I tell you? But he just got done fencing with his attorney.
I mean, a whole bunch of fencing, then right away down here without stop for another session with all this? Boy, oh, boy, that is robust.
Indeed, but the man was a health nut.
I mean, this very place was a storeroom three months ago.
He had it converted for himself and his bride-to-be.
Yeah, I saw her.
She's extremely healthy too.
Oh, yes.
That machine new? Reasonably so.
Why? Just curious.
Could we go up to your uncle's bathroom? Lieutenant, will you mind telling me what's bothering you? Mr.
Paris, frankly, sir, there's something about your uncle's death that's very disturbing.
You mean, something-something about the heart attack? That's what's bothering me, sir.
I'm not completely sure it was a heart attack at all.
- That's what the autopsy's for.
- Well, if not a heart attack, what? - Well, I don't know.
- Why not a heart attack? Could we go up to your uncle's bathroom? I'll show you.
Yeah.
Do you see what I'm getting at, Mr.
Paris? A damp towel in the hamper, and a damp piece of soap in the soap dish.
Brilliant.
Brilliant.
I mean, you've deduced my uncle took a bath.
Every civilized person I know takes a bath after strenuous exercise.
Now, don't you? Always.
The doors and windows are okay, Lieutenant.
I mean, there's no sign of any kind of jimmy work.
But there was a footprint outside Mrs.
Peck's window.
I didn't see or hear anything.
I was watching TV.
Mrs.
Peck, are you absolutely sure that you turned on the burglar alarm system tonight? I mean, are you sure that no one came into the house until you let Miss Chambers in? Right.
You are sure.
That's very good.
Thank you very much.
Now, Lieutenant, that footprint.
Whoever it was was not wearing shoes, and it looks like he has flat feet.
Okay? Lieutenant, I know you're trying to drum up a homicide case feverishly, but certainly, you-you can't believe that Mrs.
Peck could do anything like that? No, no, no.
I was never considering Mrs.
Peck.
But she was the only one in the house.
Hmm, that's the way it looks.
Unless there's something in that footprint.
I thought flat feet were peculiar to your business, Lieutenant.
You know, that's not true.
In fact, I have never met a cop with flat feet.
You take my feet.
I have terrific arches.
My doctor tells me I have an exceptional arch.
He says 30 years in the business, he's never seen an arch like my arch.
I believe you.
No, really.
Take off your shoe, compare your arch with my arch.
You'll see what I mean.
Really, take off your shoe.
Compare your arch to this arch.
You see, now that's not a cop's arch.
Lieutenant.
Let's compare arches.
May I make it easy for you? Yes, sir.
I'm sure you've surmised that my brother and I stand to inherit my uncle's estate, which is about $3 million, right? Yes, sir, I gathered that.
I also have flat feet.
No kidding? You really are You really are He's really trying to make this seem like there's foul play.
- It's incre Incredible.
- Well, you have to admit there's something peculiar.
Why would somebody do a lot of fencing, come in here and take a bath, and then right away run down to the gym and do another exercise session? I don't understand that.
Do you understand that? Norman.
Lieutenant, this is my loving brother, Norman.
Mrs.
Peck informs me you're considering an autopsy? Norman, Lt.
Columbo is a full-fledged sleuth.
Homicide.
He suspects foul play.
From you? At the risk of being officious, Lieutenant, uh, I think an autopsy might be a very-very good idea indeed.
You know, uh, Lieutenant, we are very identical twins, Norman and I.
He, too, has flat feet.
Would you please sign this, Mr.
Paris? Certainly.
You all right, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, sir, I'm fine.
It's just that I haven't been around so much money in my whole life.
You get used to it.
You do? So, it wasn't ordinary heart failure after all, hmm? Uh, no, sir.
No, it wasn't.
No, they call it, uh, ventricular fibril Fibrillation.
I know that word and I can never pronounce it.
Anyway, severe heart seizure.
That's what it is.
You know, a strong blow.
Some kind of shock.
Things like that.
George, you have some paperwork to do? Oh, yes, sir.
Excuse me.
Some kind of shock, you say? Psychological or physical? Uh, well, it could be either one in a man his age.
Yes, but what about tension or garden-variety overexertion? I mean, in a man his age.
Uh, well, yes, uh, yes.
I gotta tell you, I'd be a nervous wreck if I had to work around all this money.
I mean, the responsibility.
What you mean is you're measuring my traits and responses against those of my brother.
Not so? Why would I do that? Why not? Because you're sniffing around for a suspect to a possible homicide.
Again not so? You are a very logical man.
Boy, are you logical.
Yes, but let me tell you what I am not.
I'm neither flighty nor a dilettante, neither unreliable nor a low-life sponger who chases women and dreams of inheriting other people's wealth.
Now that, I trust, will end any comparison between my brother and myself and any conjecture as to who the logical suspect might be.
Good day.
Mr.
Paris.
There's one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.
It's rather personal.
Yes, I know.
Because my uncle died before his marriage, I stand to inherit half of his estate.
But, as to that being any sort of motive, let me point out that I am wealthy in my own right, with neither wife nor darling kiddies to encumber me.
And if, in fact, I were possessed of a criminal mind, I would find it much, much simpler to embezzle than to kill my uncle for it, which is more than I can say for my brother.
Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, I have exactly 47 minutes to catch a plane to San Francisco.
Good day.
Boy, that's wonderful.
How do you hold it so long? Don't your ears ring or anything like that, all that blood rushing to your head? That's what it's for.
Feeds the brain.
I consider it essential to feed the brain twice a day.
- I hope you don't mind waiting.
- No, not at all.
No, I enjoy watching.
Well, why don't you come out here and I can hear you a little better.
Oh, fine.
Mind if I ask you a few questions now? No.
Ma'am, I know that you gave us a full report on what happened the night of Mr.
Paris's death, but I did have a couple of short little questions very short.
I suppose you did know Mr.
Paris's two nephews? Oh, Dexter I knew.
The other one I think is a banker.
They're not exactly on speaking terms.
I was looking forward to meeting - Well, after the honeymoon - Ma'am, I'm very sorry to have to bring any of this up.
I know it must be a very painful time for you.
No, no.
Actually, it's a challenging time for me.
It's a time when you want to draw from that-that interspacial life force, and, well, I think Clifford understood it better than I.
He also understood our bodies.
Oh.
He loved our bodies.
I guess people snickered at us a little.
You know, spring in the lap of December.
But you know something, Mr.
Columbo? There's no age barrier in feeling comfortable with somebody.
Oh, I'm sure there isn't, ma'am.
Sure there isn't.
Um, you exercise often, do you? Yeah.
Well, morning and, uh, evening.
Wonderful.
That's wonderful.
Uh, I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind Uh, thank you.
Did Mr.
Paris get along pretty well with his nephews? Do you know about that? Did he prefer one to the other, something like that? Oh, I don't know.
Well, he, uh He wanted them to What did he want 'em to do? I guess he just wanted them to love and understand each other.
That's all.
Well, I don't know what kind of answers I'm supposed to give to this investigation.
- What am I, some kind of suspect? - Oh, no.
Oh, no, ma'am.
Not at all.
Don't worry even thinking about that.
You make me very uncomfortable.
Well, I didn't mean to do that, ma'am.
I'm sorry.
You know, even if Mr.
Paris's death should turn out for certain to be from something other than natural causes, you didn't even have a motive.
For instance, if you two were married, then you'd stand to inherit all of his money, for instance.
You see, that would be a motive.
If I demanded that you leave this house right now, would you have to? Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.
Is there something or some thing that you're afraid that I might ask you about? It's just that I request on my rights that you please leave this house.
Certainly, ma'am.
Apparently, I said something inadvertently, Miss Chambers.
I'm sorry I did that because I think you're a very nice lady.
And now, my friends, upward and onward to the simple, but incredibly delectable hollandaise.
An inexpensive magic which transforms your lowly, mundane vegetables into a gourmet delight.
It's really so simple, folks, that even your husband can prepare it.
Now, I would like, as I have in the past, to ask somebody from the audience to volunteer and come up here.
Hands up.
Ladies, put your hands down.
I would like a gentleman to raise his hand.
Is there a gentleman in the audience who would like to volunteer and come up here to help me demonstrate? How about you, sir? How about you? I see a gentleman in the audience that, uh Let's follow me around here.
Keep the camera on me.
Here we are.
Uh, this gentleman over here.
How about you, sir? Oh.
Come.
Really.
Oh, no.
Go ahead! I think he's shy.
Let's help him.
Come on.
Let's hear it.
We won't take no for an answer.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
Let's hear it, folks.
Come on.
Up.
Hey.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make.
This happens to be a friend of mine.
Not a very close friend, but one who does, in fact, qualify, uh, as someone's husband.
This happens to be Lt.
Columbo of the L.
A.
P.
D.
, who is your everyday, average, typical, downtrodden American husband.
Don't you agree? Now, Lieutenant, I would like you to help me.
Now, this is a Dexter Paris, number 91, multispeed blender.
These are other ingredients you find in most kitchens, I'm sure even in yours.
We have four eggs Relax, Lieutenant.
It's gonna be all right.
Four eggs.
We have some salt, some pepper, some butter and some lemon juice.
Now, uh, let me take this off, make you more comfortable, all right? And let's take your coat off too.
The jacket.
All right, that's enough.
All right.
Now, I have something here to make you much more comfortable and a little neater, perhaps.
Lieutenant, you want me to help you tie that? Yes, please.
Good.
Let me, uh, take it around this way.
I think it's All right, Lieutenant.
He's a man with his own mind.
Uh, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
Now, I'd like you to separate the yolks from the whites of the eggs and put them in the blender, all right? Now, while you're doing that, I'm going to take this half cup of butter Lieutenant, I'll take this half cup of butter, and I will heat it in this frying pan.
Now, uh, you think you can do that? I don't know.
I'll try.
All right, then, uh, get cracking.
Is that my camera? That You're on television.
All right now.
All right.
I'll heat this up meantime.
And you better get cracking, Lieutenant.
I'll get cracking, yeah.
All right.
All right.
Uh, no, just the yolks.
What do you mean, just the yolk? This goes in here, doesn't it? No, no.
Wait.
No, no.
You have to separate Let me show you what I mean.
You separate the yolks from the whites, you see, by doing that.
Then you just put the yolks in there like that.
Oh, I got it.
All right.
There we are.
That's very good.
That's very good! That's amazing.
You must do a little cooking at home, huh? Uh "Uh" what? You're doing very well though, I must say.
Thank you.
Uh Can't you say anything else, Lieutenant? Uh I think that's great.
You amuse me, Lieutenant.
Yeah.
Uh Oh, please forgive me.
That's very good.
For a job well done.
No! Put it in there.
Take the bows after.
All right.
All right.
Oh, I broke this one.
It's all right.
It don't make any difference.
Nobody saw it.
Huh? That's fine.
All right.
One more.
One more.
And we separate those.
I'm getting sloppy with this thing.
That's fine.
That's okay.
There we are.
Wi Wipe your hands off.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Now, what about a little lemon juice? Put a little lemon juice in there.
All right.
I'll put the butter in.
A little more.
A little bit more.
Little bit more.
Perfect.
Okay! Butter.
Now a little dash of salt.
Salt.
Gee, I'm getting to enjoy this.
I know.
A little pepper.
Okay, that's great.
Now, why don't you turn on the blender.
Right here? Right there.
There we go.
Now, while that's blending, I'll put this in here like this.
And that's just about right.
Why don't we just take this off.
Wanna hold that? Sure.
Whoops.
I said turn that off.
Magic.
Oh! I'm terribly sorry! You That was your fault.
I know it was.
Mmm.
Too much pepper, I think.
It is.
## Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but that's that fateful music.
Yes, you gorgeous gaggle of gals out there, it's time to say good-bye for today.
And remember When ze husband comes home tonight, let him know what wonderful eating can do for the marriage.
This is Dexter Paris saying, "Mwah!" Bye-bye, ladies.
See you tomorrow.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Well, you know, I can't believe this really happened.
I mean, appearing on TV like this? I was very nervous.
Now, calm yourself.
Could you notice? You were fine.
My hand was shaking.
When I broke the egg, I was nervous.
You were fine.
No, really.
Mr.
Paris, this was a very, very big moment.
You were an asset to the show.
Believe me.
I looked all right then? You looked fine.
Photographically? You looked wonderful.
I didn't say much.
I don't remember saying anything.
What's on your mind, Lieutenant? I remember coming around this corner, and then, from there on in, nothing.
I couldn't remember.
You know, my wife cooks all your recipes? When I first met you, I didn't mention that I really knew who you were, but when I went home, I told her Well, she absolutely fell down.
She's a big fan of yours.
I forgot to say hello.
I was so nervous, I forgot to say hello.
Isn't that something? She'll kill me.
Lieutenant, what's on your mind? You know what the problem is? Whenever she tries one of your recipes, it's a disaster.
A total disaster.
And she follows your instructions to the letter.
Believe me.
Disaster.
I don't know what it is.
But the soufflé falls down, the cake hardens.
You name it.
Disaster.
You know what I told her? I told her it was the equipment.
Lieutenant, I'm afraid I'm gonna be out of my teens by the time this conversation gets anywhere.
Do you ever recommend any equipment, like say, for instance, a mixer? You know, one of those small electrical mixers that you hold in your hand? No, I'm not permitted to endorse any products by brand names, no.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Oh.
Well, uh, you know, I did wanna tell you, they've definitely established now that your uncle passed away from an electrical shock.
I thought you should be aware of that.
Oh.
I don't understand.
I mean, uh You mean from the exercise machine? No.
I sent an electrician out there.
The machine works absolutely perfectly.
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I mean do you have any ideas? Yes, sir, I do.
Seems reasonably certain to me that your uncle was murdered.
Oh, come on, Columbo.
Come on! This melodramatic sleuthing is driving me crazy.
Look, I don't I don't like being rude, Lieutenant, but I really must go.
For instance, that upstairs bathtub If somebody went in there and, let's say, dropped an electrical appliance in there, in that bathtub, during a time when it was occupied, I mean.
Look, you come in here with the subtlety of a train wreck, and you ask me what electric mixers I use.
I didn't wanna bother you personally, but I checked with your secretary.
She told me you ordered up two brand-new mixers only last week.
My brother put you up to it, right? No, sir.
No, he didn't.
One, two.
Yeah, my brother's beautiful.
He's beautiful.
I'm sure he put it to you.
Oh, I can see him now.
Yes, my brother.
"Dexter? Unreliable.
Dilettante.
"Waiting for Uncle to die so he can feed off his millions.
"Yes.
If you want a suspect, I suggest you keep an eye on him, Lieutenant.
Must go now.
Terribly sorry.
Toodle-oo.
" - How was that? Close? - Close? That was terrific! Yeah.
You're very talented.
No, I mean that.
Thank you.
And you're right.
That's pretty much what he said.
Let me ask you a question.
Did you hurl the same defamatory remarks at him? He doesn't seem to have much of a motive to kill your uncle, sir.
I mean, he's established.
He has money of his own.
Let me tell you something, Lieutenant.
My brother happens to be a creature of habit.
Today is Wednesday, correct? Did he happen to tell you he was gonna fly to San Francisco on a business trip? Yes.
That's amazing.
Yes, he did.
Yeah, I thought so.
You doing anything for the next couple of hours? Come on.
Where are we going? We're gonna visit my brother, see his motive.
How long has this been going on? First time in Vegas, huh? Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago, but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws.
We ended up in Animal Land.
It was nothing like this.
See that second crap table over there? Over there.
Recognize anybody? Seven.
! The winner.
! Norman.
Right.
He tells me he's going to San Francisco.
That's right.
This is his San Francisco trip? He comes here every Wednesday, in rain or shine, in sickness or in health.
Mostly in sickness.
Hey, you liked the last impersonation I did of him? You're gonna love this one.
Come on.
Come on! Where? What? Well, well, Mr.
Paris.
I believe this is the first time in three years I've seen you without a necktie on.
What can I do for you today? I'm not here to beg another credit extension, but this gentleman is willing to advance me sufficient funds to help me diminish my indebtedness to this establishment.
Just one minute, Norman.
I'm willing to do that, ma'am.
I'd like to know how much he owes first, exactly.
Do you have that on file? Yes, of course.
We have that one right here.
We have markers for Mr.
Paris totaling $3 7, 500.
That enough evidence? That is what you said, huh, Columbo? Huh? Come on.
Seven.
! A loser.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
New shooter.
Don't forget your big six and your big eight, folks.
That's me too.
Here we go.
Craps.
! A loser.
Comin'up, a new shooter.
Get your bets down.
Don't forget your big six and your big eight, folks.
Don't forget your pass line.
Here we go.
Get your bets down, folks.
A new shooter.
Shooter comin'up.
Here we go now.
- Care to make a bet, sir? - Watch your hands.
Watch your hands, folks.
Eight, the number.
Easy eight.
Seven.
! A loser.
Put your bets down, folks.
A shooter comin'up.
Beautiful.
Just beautiful.
Hmm.
Beautiful.
Just beautiful.
I didn't know how gorgeous this stuff was If you please! Uh yes, Lieutenant.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Paris was a very shrewd collector.
This stuff is worth a fortune, huh? Well, that's what these gentlemen and I are trying to determine.
I was Mr.
Paris's business manager as well as his attorney, so I'm responsible for all these assets.
Listen, I don't want to get in the way or anything, so you just tell me.
I know that's a big responsibility to have all this, uh all these lovely artifacts, things of such beauty.
There's a lot more to the estate than just this house.
Are you close to the nephews at all? No, not really.
But Dexter's useless, and Norman's rather pompous.
Excuse me.
She practically raised both boys.
She has more love for the family than the family does.
I think she hates me.
I really feel that.
I bet she's very strong.
Yes, it is.
It's a shame that the two brothers don't get along like that.
Which one of them do you suspect? I beg your pardon? Come now, Lieutenant.
Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me that they both have pretty good motives.
I'm very big on motive.
Mm-hmm.
Norman's gambling debts, you mean.
You know about that? Mmm.
I just made sure the old man never found out.
He was awfully proud of Norman.
But Norman wasn't there that day, remember? Dexter was.
He came while Clifford and I were fencing.
Don't touch that, please! That's a rather valuable little piece.
Oh.
Sorry.
Has your department visited Lisa Chambers at all? Must have been really tough on her.
The funny thing about that when I spoke to her, she was very nervous, sort of defensive.
Would she have any reason that you know of to maybe help or maybe protect either one of the two brothers? Protect them? I don't think she even knows them.
Oh, met Dexter once or twice perhaps, but no, I wouldn't think so, Lieutenant.
Thank you very much for your courtesy, Mr.
Hathaway.
We're going to check out every possibility.
Including myself, I trust.
I wouldn't want to feel slighted.
To be frank, sir, we haven't slighted you.
Man dies without a will, well, we know that whoever manages an estate of this size can do pretty well by it.
I certainly hope to.
- Does that put me on your list? - We checked out where you went after your fencing match with Mr.
Paris.
You really couldn't have killed anybody from that attorneys' banquet.
Well, it's always flattering to be considered, however briefly.
Right.
Of course, you could've had him killed.
But I really don't put you very high on the list of suspects.
Nice talking with you, sir.
Bum! You're a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! Do you see this? Oh! I thought it was an ashtray.
I have one at home that looks exactly like that.
Would you excuse me for a moment? Excuse me.
Mrs.
Peck? Mrs.
Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you.
I know that.
I'm a stranger in your house that you love, and I'm here to do something that's not pleasant, so I don't expect you to like me.
But I have feelings too, Mrs.
Peck.
I'm sorry about being untidy.
That's something I can't control.
That's a fault of mine that I-I don't know I just can't correct that.
I've tried many years.
I'm just very untidy.
That's my nature.
But I've never been I've never been rude to you, Mrs.
Peck.
And if you keep on treating me like I'm an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man that you worked for for 33 years, well, then I think you're a very unfair person.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Lieutenant, I know that you're a very hardworking officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr.
Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.
Well, thank you.
I'm extremely fond of health cookies.
And then what? Well, nothing.
Well, the bell rang, and I let Miss Chambers in.
She had a cab waiting.
Maybe there's some little thing I mean really little.
A noise maybe? Well, the TV there went off for a minute.
The TV went off? Well, it came back on again in a few seconds.
It's not worth mentioning, except that the color hasn't been the same since.
Oh.
Well, I'm an expert on fine-tuning.
What I mean is, you know, I know what those repairmen get.
See, I got stung a couple of times, and I went down to the supermarket and I bought one of those instructional manuals and I really studied it up.
So if you don't mind, may I take a look at this, see what I can do for you? - Uh, no.
- Huh? When the TV set went off, did the lights go off too? Well, I didn't have any lights on in here at all.
Of course, I don't know about the rest of the house.
But it was only 20 seconds.
I'm sure it wasn't Do you remember exactly when it was that the set went flooey? Yes, I remember exactly because I was hammering on the TV, and I saw the clock, and it was 8:05 exactly.
And Miss Chambers got here at 8:30.
Boy, this thing really is out of whack, isn't it? But I'm gonna be able to help you with it.
All you have to do is get the precise thing Oh, dear.
Wait a minute.
Uh-oh.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, Mrs.
Peck, I want you to remain calm.
- Remain calm, Mrs.
Peck.
just remain calm.
- Out! This goes back on very easily.
This is part of the knob.
You just tell the repairman this needs to go right back Out! Yes, ma'am.
I'm leaving.
Out! - I'd be very happy to pay for this.
- Out! Yes, ma'am.
I'm going.
Maybe the repairman Out! I'll leave it right here.
Your uncle left a will, Norman, leaving the bulk of the estate not to you or your brother, but to Miss Lisa Chambers.
Uh Would you like to see for yourself? See, the girl, uh, really wasn't that keen on marrying him.
The silly little thing honestly didn't care at all about money.
So in a burst of what, romantic enthusiasm? And to show her that he believed she'd never marry him for his money, he had me draw up this will leaving everything to her whether she married him or not.
I can't accept this.
So if either one of you killed him, it's all for nothing because the money goes to the girl.
Unless, of course well Go on, please.
There are only three copies of this will.
One in my safe, one which was in your uncle's safe until I removed it this morning and, uh, the copy held by the girl.
- And? - And I might be able to persuade the lovely but not too brilliant young lady into giving me her copy for safekeeping.
Ergo, no copy of any will being found, the estate descends to you and your brother.
In return for A simple contract calling for the retention of my services as business manager and as attorney.
I see no reason not to make as much money now from the estate as I did before your uncle died.
Tell you what, counselor.
You can be my business manager and my lawyer if you can get her copy of the will away from that girl.
That's fair enough.
Why don't you go pick up your other phone and listen, if you'd like.
Hello.
Uh, Miss Chambers? This is Michael Hathaway.
Oh, listen.
I've been trying to get in touch with your office all day! Oh, really? This police detective came over here to ask me a lot of questions about Clifford and his nephews and everything.
- I didn't know what to tell him.
- That's funny.
That's what I was calling about.
Do you have a moment? I'm listening.
I do have certain sources in the police department who seem to feel that you're regarded as a prime suspect in Mr.
Paris's death.
I know that.
That I know, but I didn't do it, Mr.
Hathaway! Let me finish.
Please, Miss Chambers.
- I strongly suggest that when they come to arrest you - Arrest me? Oh, really! Oh, yes.
Apparently they feel the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming, particularly since it was, unfortunately, you who found Mr.
Paris's body.
Mr.
Hathaway, I didn't do this.
You know I didn't do this! Of course you didn't.
I'm only telling you these things because I feel that, for Mr.
Paris's sake, the least I can do is help you get out of this mess.
There's one very important thing you should understand, Miss Chambers.
If the police should ever find that copy of the will Mr.
Paris made out naming you as sole beneficiary Well, I don't want the money.
I never wanted the money.
I realize that, but you must understand that the police would never believe you.
I don't care about the money! Well, we don't have very much time, Miss Chambers.
I think the wisest thing is to pick up your copy of that will myself for safekeeping, just in case the police come at you with a search warrant tonight.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you very much.
- I can be at your apartment at 5:00.
- Thank you.
Good work, counselor.
There.
Miss Chambers? Miss Chambers? Hello! Miss Chambers.
Sir? May I ask which apartment you came from? I set Hathaway up, huh? Oh, boy.
Has he got a galloping imagination.
And you believe him? Oh, now, I never said that, sir.
But Mr.
Hathaway does claim that since you knew what time he was due to visit Miss Chambers, all you had to do was get there ahead of him, wait until you saw his car arrive.
Wrong.
Wrong.
When you knew that he was in the elevator, shove the lady over the balcony, disappear down the back stairs in all the commotion.
Wrong.
Well, he was very insistent, Mr.
Paris.
He woke up half the police station.
He was very loud, very vocal.
You wouldn't believe the noise that he made.
What do you expect? A confession? No.
No, sir.
No, I don't.
Oh! By the way, I have here a, uh, copy of an agreement signed by you.
"Retaining Mr.
Michael Hathaway as business manager and attorney for all the estate.
" That's right.
I assumed that I would need someone to handle my share of my uncle's estate that I thought I was inheriting.
That's a straight, aboveboard business agreement.
I see here your brother signed it.
We thought we were inheriting my uncle's estate.
Oh.
I thought you never talked to your brother.
I talked to my brother today for the first time in over two years on the phone to discuss the signing of that agreement.
When I hung up, I still hated his pompous guts, and I'm sure he felt the same way about me.
I guess wounds between two people never heal, huh? Wait a minute.
When I talked to my brother, Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were gonna meet at 5:00.
You did? Yeah.
Well, well, good old Norman, my banker brother.
I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.
I would tend to agree with that, sir, yes.
Which means that Hathaway could be telling the truth.
In other words good old Norman could have shoved Lisa right off the balcony, right? Which means that possibly he committed two murders, not one.
Do you realize the 6:00 news could make him a bigger TV celebrity than I am? Mr.
Paris, do you think that your brother is guilty? The truth? Of course not.
I think it's quite obvious what happened.
I think, uh, Hathaway and the girl made a deal.
She killed my uncle, Hathaway killed her.
She probably tried to cross him for some reason or other, and he shoved her off the balcony.
Lieutenant? Oh.
Sorry.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Paris.
You've been very helpful.
Good night.
Mr.
Marshak, you've had over 30 years as a practicing lawyer in this town.
I'm new.
I'm green.
Tell me, what can I do for this client? What can any one of us ever do, Tony? Oh, we can be grateful, I suppose.
Ohh! I know! Lieutenant Columbo! In a moment, ma'am.
Lieutenant! Can't talk now.
You have been allowed to come into this house.
You have been given permission.
Not now.
You have turned everything into chaos! Now you have bungled my television set! Do you hear me? My television does not work.
It'll be fine now.
New fuse.
I promise it'll be terrific.
I promise.
If we hadn't maneuvered Irving's confession of infidelities with Shirley's uncle and aunt, we might have sent still another man to his death.
Purple.
I'll kill him! I want to pay the repairman for you.
I want to pay everything.
Right now, while the man is still here, I'll pay you.
Mrs.
Peck, in front of your eyes, I'll do it.
And I won't touch anything.
I swear on my mother's eyes, not a thing.
Please, would you let me in? You get the Degas, I get the Picassos.
Norman, you couldn't tell a Picasso from a Rorshach test.
Can anyone? I know well enough what they're worth.
Is that all that matters to you? Money? Dollars and cents? Is that all? Look, my fellow vulture, if you're going to be here, you're going to be picking the bones.
Excuse us.
Lieutenant Columbo is here.
Thank you, Mrs.
Peck.
Yes, Lieutenant.
What is it this time? Well, I'm a little ahead of the police car supposed to meet me here.
Pardon me, lady, but how do you want me to set the color on that thing? It's okay, Mrs.
Peck.
Take care of your TV set.
Go ahead.
You were saying, Lieutenant.
Well, to tell you the truth, I came here, I think, to make an arrest.
- You think? - Well, it's a little bit complicated.
Would you mind too much coming with me to the bathroom? Columbo, you're marvelous.
You're absolutely bizarre.
Mr.
Paris, would you lift me out of the tub? - Lift you out of the tub? - Yes, sir.
If you could please try.
I'll stay just like this.
Well, I can try, yes.
Thank you very much.
Just try, and I'll stay just like this.
Let's see.
I can't get any leverage.
Wait.
I can't.
It must be the angle I have.
That's right, sir.
That is perfectly right.
And you'll notice, sir, that I'm perfectly dry.
I'm not even slippery.
I mean, I have my clothes on.
And you still could not lift me out of the tub.
Uh, Officer? No, I'll do that in a moment.
Do you intend to demonstrate drowning yourself for us, Lieutenant? Uh, no, sir, but I think I can demonstrate is that your uncle could have died from an electrical shock without showing any marks or burns or anything like that.
Now let's see, uh Officer, could you turn off that water, please? You see, I'm not exactly sure I think everybody should stand back for a moment.
I'm not overly expert at electrical equipment.
Oh.
All right.
Now, suppose Mr.
Paris was in that bathtub there, and somebody came walking in.
Officer, would you turn on that light, please? Are you suggesting that someone just sauntered into the bathroom, carrying an electric mixer? Well, I'm just using this mixer.
I mean, anything electrical is what I'm trying to show.
Now, here we go.
Cannot supersede Ohh! Very quickly now.
We should all go very quickly now.
Left.
Bear left.
This is a pretty old house here, as you know, and when they have those old type fuses, the screw-in kind Right here.
Lieutenant? Yes, sir.
Just bear with me for a moment, will you? All right, Lou.
Sixty-seven seconds, exactly.
Fascinating.
I didn't know that.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, Mr.
Paris.
I think you did know that.
- Know what? - Well, you see, sir You know what bothered me? Right from the beginning, it bothered me.
How the murderer got into the house after Mrs.
Peck switched on the burglar alarm.
Someone was here shortly before the, uh, incident, as I recall, Lieutenant.
Come off it, Norman.
I said I left the house, and I left the house.
Mrs.
Peck saw me.
It would have been necessary for someone to let the murderer in.
Somebody already in the house who could turn off the burglar alarm.
That lets me off, I guess, huh? I'm afraid not, Mr.
Paris.
Instead of leaving the house, you stayed around and turned off the burglar alarm at the right moment.
Mrs.
Peck, did you or did you not see me drive out of here, wave good-bye, honk my horn No, sir.
She didn't see you.
She saw him.
I think you had on the same clothes as your brother, Mr.
Paris.
I think it was you that drove out and then came back later when your brother let you in.
- Are you nuts? - I resent defamation, Lieutenant.
You said you two never talked, except about that agreement.
I guess you had to say that in order to keep the guessing game going.
But you know? That's what nailed you down.
I called the telephone company.
The told me that you two have talked maybe 20 times in the last 1 0 days.
You're saying they killed their uncle? These boys wouldn't do such a thing! I'm sorry, Mrs.
Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.
See? Sixty-seven seconds.
Sixty-seven.
Took us 67 seconds to get down here and replace that fuse.
But Mrs.
Peck's television set was only out for 1 5 seconds.
There had to be somebody else waiting down here to replace that fuse.
And somebody had to help lift the body out of the bathtub.
One man couldn't have done that alone and then dried him off with that wet towel I found, then put him in a sweat suit, let alone carry him down the stairs.
- Stop it.
! - It's all right, Mrs.
Peck.
What's done is done.
What's obvious is obvious.
- I'm just sorry that you had to be here - Shut up! Okay, gents.