Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e08 Episode Script

- All right, roll call.
Bookie? - Here.
- Dr.
Ram? - Here.
- Deer head? [animals giggling.]
- And reggie? Reggie? [ominous music.]
Has anyone seen reggie? [phone rings.]
- [hoarsely.]
hello? - Hey, reg.
Where are you? You sound terrible.
- Oh, man, I'm so sick, man.
- Okay, well, tell you what.
Take the day off, okay, buddy? Feel better.
- All right.
Looks like I got the day off.
[guitar riff.]
[laughs.]
[coughing.]
[coughing and wheezing.]
[lively rock music.]
[sneezes.]
[coughing.]
Hey, broheim.
I got the day off.
You wanna come over? [doorbell rings.]
- [echoing.]
reggie? Hey.
Hey, reggie.
Hey, reggie.
- Oh, hey, scott.
- Hey, you okay? - Been resting up, so I think I'll be in tomorrow.
- Okay, well, good, Because you've been gone for 15 weeks.
- He bought it.
[jazzy music.]
It's comedy bang! Bang! yeah, yeah, yeah comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! The world's fastest talking man, stan couples comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! Featuring me, reggie watts.
comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! oh, oh - Hey, there.
Welcome to the show.
We have a great one tonight.
Sarah silverman is here, as well as The world's fastest talking man, stan couples.
I'm scott aukerman, And I want you to think of tonight's show As a fine wine-- made by spaniards And sold by fatsos.
Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
[groovy music.]
- oh there's so much love in the air oh, yeah I love the way you're sitting in that chair - Thank you so much.
I assume you're talking about my chair and me.
- I is.
- So, reggie, what's up? - I've been thinking a lot about tort reform lately.
- Oh, the proposed changes In common law civil justice systems That would reduce tort litigation or damages? - The very same.
- Well, what's on your mind? - Well, you know, I've always been a firm believer That limiting frivolous lawsuits Will allow doctors to migrate away From practicing defensive medicine.
- You're on record as saying as much.
- While screening panels Comprised of medical professionals Weed out specious claims, only through litigation Does the real story ever come through.
- Fair point, but did you read the new york times? - I read the piece.
- Well, then how do you feel About setting up a governing body Similar to germany's der gemeinsame bundesausschuss? - Well, anything that improves both bureaucracy And the quality of care is a plan I can get behind.
- Hey, we should talk about serious stuff more often.
- Well, I'm always up for a fair exchange of ideas.
- All right.
Thanks, reggie.
Well, coming up on the show, sarah silverman will be-- Oh.
Light blew.
I feel like alec baldwin.
I'm cast in shadow.
- Oh! Sorry about that, mr.
Aukerman.
Light blew again! Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
- All right, uh, thanks, nick.
[thunder rumbles.]
As I was saying, sarah silverman w-- [little ladder squeaking.]
look who it is.
It's little ladder.
Hey there, little ladder.
How are you? - [squeaking.]
- what's that? You want nick to climb up on you to change the bulb? Ha, ha.
I'm sorry, little ladder.
No, you're just not tall enough.
Nick needs to use big ladder to get all the way up there.
- [squeaks sadly.]
- [burbling.]
- [laughs.]
yes! Yeah, that's funny! Of course, big ladder.
Why would I use a little ladder when I have a big ladder? You know what I mean? Scott.
Will you do me a favor and throw little ladder In the incinerator? [ominous chord.]
Hmm? - Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
I mean, it's just an inanimate object, I guess.
- Thanks.
You're not a prick.
I don't care what everyone says.
- [burbling.]
- [squeaking sadly.]
- All right, well, I guess it's time to melt you down.
- [whimpers.]
- Oh, who am I kidding? I can't kill you.
All right, just stay right here behind this couch.
Everything will be fine.
- [squeaks gratefully.]
- Okay, let's get to our first guest.
If you have any buttons, you'd better hide them, Or else she's gonna push them.
Please welcome sarah silverman.
[looped vocalizations.]
- Beautiful song, reggie.
- [speaking japanese.]
- I don't understand what he just said.
- Is that racist, or it's just genuinely japanese? - I think when a black person says it, it's okay.
- Oh, right.
They can do anything.
- Yeah.
Hi, sarah.
- Hi! - Welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for coming.
- So great to be here.
- Do you mind If we start with just some rapid-fire questions? - Sure.
- Okay, shoot.
- Uh, what's your natural hair color? - Blond, this blond.
[bell dings.]
- What's your favorite thing to tickle? - Mm, elmo.
[bell dings.]
- Uh, do you get manicures? - Only every other day.
[bell dings.]
- Do you clip your fingernails yourself? - No, I bite other people's.
[bell dings.]
- What's your favorite shape? - Hmm Oblong? [ding ding ding.]
- Ooh.
- Are you an oblong girl? - I just am impressed that, um, You went outside the-- - The bun? - The bun? - What were you gonna say? - The box.
- Oh.
- Is it "outside the bun"? - That's the expression, yeah, the famous expression.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Do you believe in a woman's right to chew? - Tobacco? - Yeah.
- I guess I'm not opposed to it, no.
- Good.
Ah, that was my tongue.
- [laughs.]
that's some great mime work.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I do space work, and I have "moves well" On my resume.
- I'd love to see that.
I'd love to see you move well.
- Oh, I could show you.
- Please, yeah.
- Oh, my god, um, Should we have some music or something? - behold the magic of the universe jesus is your lover if you've got it all together we can make this plane exist but if you're demon or a sucker don't love her for her grace she is an absolutely wonderful vision of this human race - Wonderful.
- Thank you.
I like to express myself in all sorts of ways, you know.
- You should change your resume, so it says, "moves super well.
" - Thank you.
- So, sarah, you are a big star.
- Right.
- You're in movies.
You were nominated for an emmy.
And I've always wanted to know, When the limo drops you off at the red carpet, What does it do? Does it just keep driving around in a circle? Or does--you know? - That's a great question.
I, um, I like to have mine-- I have a chopper air-lift it And then just hover until I'm ready.
Otherwise, it's like--can be - It's just better just to have that chopper-- [imitating helicopter.]
Just right on the carpet, you know? - Yeah, michael winslow.
That chopper sound was amazing.
- Really? I mean, I don't know.
- Try to do a chopper sound like that.
- I am not good at it, but, um-- [imitates helicopter perfectly.]
- That was good.
- You know, my staff told me that this question Is a little dark.
I don't even want to say it.
- You're talking to me.
I mean, right? - All right, um, if you were to die, Which member of your family would be the most sad? - [exhales.]
My dad? - Correct.
[dance music playing.]
- Oh! - Congratulations! - Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Can we add this in post? Oh! - time to celebrate - Thank you.
Oh, my god.
- congratulations - so, sarah.
I just want to say that I loved you in wreck-it ralph.
Uh, not that the other stuff you do isn't good too, But I just--oh, man.
Um, have you seen my foot lately? You should check my mouth.
Uh-- - Scott, are you okay? - Can you excuse me for just a second? - Sure.
- Reggie, I'm trying to tell sarah how much I like her work, But I've got nothing.
You've always had such a way with words.
You gotta help me.
- Okay, it's easy.
Just take this earpiece, and I'll coach you through it.
- Awesome! Thanks.
Sorry.
- No.
- I'm ready now.
All right.
Um, as I was saying - Your talents are like none ever seen by these humble eyes.
- Your talents are like none ever seen By these humble eyes.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- My discourse flows with ease, my dear.
- You not only captivate my gaze, but my [light harpsichord music.]
uh - But my - Ah.
Warm glass of grape-- grapefruit juice.
- Warm glass of grapefruit juice? - What? - Uh - I guess I only have that one great line.
- Psst, reggie.
I can help.
Take this earpiece, and I'll coach you through it.
- Awesome.
Thanks, man.
- Are you okay? - Let me try again.
- Say, "a maiden fair, Abundant with such poise and spirit" - "must find the task of balancing work and" - Family most effortless, in sooth.
- How it does make an audience - Swoon with admiration.
- Your hair-- was it woven in silks? - No.
[giggles.]
scott, you're wonderful.
- Now tell her her ass is [sighs.]
Like a tit? [groans.]
- Well, your ass is like a tit.
[music drones down.]
Ah.
- Hey, sound guy, can you hear me? I think I can help out.
Say, "you're also funny and smart.
" - You're also funky with farts.
- Chunky with darts.
- You're also funny and smart? - Oh, thank you! - All right, whatever.
Sarah, thank you so much.
We'll be right back with sarah silverman.
Oh, and I want to mention that that last segment Was brought to you by the new book Stage blocking for tv by benjamin berman.
We'll be right back.
[funky music.]
- I guess I would say dijon mustard number one, Spicy mustard, yellow mustard, Honey mustard, and then [sighs.]
I don't know, maybe the sound of my newborn daughter's laugh? - Those are your five favorite things In the whole world in order? - You know what, I'm gonna switch The spicy mustard and the yellow mustard, But yeah, those are my five favorite things.
- That's a good list.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Oh, what do you want on your hot dog? - Mm, just plain.
[whirring.]
Thanks.
- goo goo ga ga diaper come on - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with sarah silverman.
Coming up, we'll have The world's fastest talking human man, So that's exciting.
Oh, and, reggie, it's that time of the show Where you get to ask sarah a question.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
Um, when you were filming reality bites, Did you get angry at any of the cast members For, like, goofing around too much? - [laughs.]
that's a great question.
Um, that's actually janeane garofalo.
But you should ask her that.
- Thank you.
- Great question.
- Oh, hey, scott.
- Yes, reggie? - You're looking really handsome today.
- Ooh, it's true.
- Oh, thanks, guys.
I mean, you know, I don't wake up looking like this.
In fact, let's take a look at a photo of me Without any makeup at all.
- Ooh! [trombone slide.]
- Yeah, it takes a lot of work To get this face camera-ready every single day.
Let's take a look.
[groovy dance music.]
First, jenny the makeup girl applies concealer To cover my blemishes and bronzer To give me a healthy glow And just a little eyeliner To make these baby blues pop.
I'm allergic to cotton and wool And can't wear normal clothing, So my sweater and pants are applied with body paint.
As a lifelong trekkie, I refuse to take off My spock ears.
I swore I would wear them until chris pine dies.
So jenny adds putty to smooth them out And round the edges.
But now my ears are too big, So jenny applies prosthetics to balance The rest of my features.
Unfortunately, those prosthetics added several inches To my height, which doesn't match our camera setup.
So that amount is surgically removed from my shins.
Yeowch.
I'll get those stitched back in after the show.
[high-pitched voice.]
looking good-- [normal voice.]
oops! We forgot the most important thing, The electronic larynx that gives me My trademark voice.
Without it, I'd be just another pretty face In the crowd.
All right, testing, testing.
Hey, that sounds pretty good.
All right, reggie, your turn.
- [reggie.]
thanks, scott.
See you out there.
- All right, we'll be right back with more sarah silverman And the world's fastest talking man, stan couples.
Come right back.
[light synthesizer music.]
- [coughing.]
[sirens wailing.]
- I am a pigeon pig-eon, pig-eon - All right, we're back here with sarah silverman, And, you know, I-- - hey, scott! Just checking in real quick.
Did you have any problems incinerating little ladder? - Uh - [squeaking.]
- No, no, no, no.
Not at all, thanks.
- [laughs.]
nice.
Good.
Hey, I'm having a party this weekend.
You should come.
Big ladder's gonna be there.
- [burbles.]
- What? - [burbles.]
- he can't come.
Got a hot date, huh? Who with? - [squeaking flirtatiously.]
- My ex-girlfriend? How could you? How could you? After everything we've been through! You know what? You have to choose.
Me or him.
- [squeaks.]
[dramatic chord.]
[emotional music.]
- And you chose the ladder.
[inhales.]
you know what? It's okay.
It's okay.
You two are gonna make a great couple.
Just Always take it one step at a time.
I'm outta here! All right, scott.
See ya, ladder.
- All right, well, he's the world's fastest talking man, And he's here to set a new world record.
Let's welcome stan couples.
[exciting music.]
- [laughs.]
- how are you? - Little speed humor.
Hi.
Very nice to meet you.
Ahh.
- Stan, welcome to the show.
- Oh, thank you for having me.
- All right, so, stan, how did you get involved In fast talking, do you mind? - Not at all.
I don't mind at all.
I used to be a door-to-door salesman.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, a few years back.
And I found that people were just shutting the door In my face before I was even done with the pitch.
And so I just started to speak faster.
- Wow.
- And things started to snowball.
And then I was like, hey, I'm pretty good at this, And I should really look into breaking some darn records.
- So you want to break the record tonight, I hear.
- Yeah, I'd like to do it on television.
- So the most words spoken in 30 seconds.
Is that what I understand? - That's right.
- Okay, great.
So if we could get a 30-second timer-- All right, here we go.
- I'm nervous for him.
- I know.
- Thanks.
- This is incredible, though.
- Yeah.
- All right, here we go.
AndTime.
- Oh, man, this is so incredible to be on this show.
It's so ama--it's such an amazing privilege to be On the show and with two great people here, And, like, a celebrity and the great host, And what a crazy set, and you have a talented musician here, And I'm, like, I'm so psyched to be here.
I was trying to get here really quick, and there was, Like, traffic on the 101, and so I went down To, like, fountain, and then suddenly I got back up here To the-- [timer dings.]
- And that's time.
Uh, stan, that, uh, That--I mean, sarah, I don't know how it was for you, but-- - I don't know if this is some kind of joke, but - No, not at all, no, this is-- - I'm not impressed.
- That didn't seem fast in the least.
- Wha--wha-- - it seemed rushed - Hurried, maybe.
- I guess.
- Well, I think-- That's a fair-- that's a fair comment.
I think what you both maybe are missing Is the fact that my mouth is moving very fast, And I think it's unfair to focus so much on the words.
- But--correct me if I'm wrong-- Isn't the record the most words spoken, Not how fast your mouth is moving? - Well, I think words are words.
Words, sounds, a sound is a word.
Eek! That's a word, but it's also a sound.
Eek! Right? - I don't know what you just said.
- Am I swa-- am I talking too fast? - No.
Tell you what, stan.
I have an idea.
Maybe it's just that you're not able to say things Extemporaneously fast.
Maybe if you were to read something.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Oh.
- I think--I think-- - sure.
- I think everyone would benefit from that.
- Why don't we read from chapter nine here? - Chapter nine.
- There we go.
- A good chapter.
- [chuckles.]
- All right, here we go.
[timer dings.]
- "miss olan had defied the enemy and had--" [clears throat.]
"miss olan had defied the enemy And had come off victorious, but--" [clears throat.]
"the r--" "miss olan had defied the enemy and had come off victorious, But she had--" - How are you the holder of the world's record? - [whimpers.]
[shaky falsetto.]
oh, god.
[exhales.]
- I-I don't know what to do here.
I mean, uh-- - Scott, I have an idea.
- Sure, yeah, sarah.
- Why don't we just have him talk Regular speed, and then we can speed it up? - Speed it up in post? Okay, yeah.
I wouldn't mind that.
- That is so awesome.
- Maybe we can save this segment.
- That's a great suggestion.
- Okay, great.
- Okay.
- So just say anything, Just at the normal speed, the regular speed That's comfortable for you.
- Sure.
I am the world's fastest talking man.
No matter what you think or what you don't understand, I'm actually making sense with every word that I say.
You are witness to one of the most amazing spectacles You will ever see on television.
[triumphant music.]
- [slow motion.]
wow! [music stops suddenly.]
We'll be right back.
- years ago, slave trade was legal yeah, all right - You are so bad.
- Welcome back.
I want to thank our guest sarah silverman And also stan couples, and it's time For one last feature on the show, A little something we like to call "quit your whining.
" - quit your whining now - All right, my first victim tonight is a-- - [screaming.]
scott! The other crew guys told me you lied to me About incinerating little ladder! - What? No, I didn't lie-- hey! Well, I mean, you haven't found him, have you? - Found him.
- [chuckles.]
- Let go of me! Please, leave him alone! - Leave who alone? [shouts.]
this guy? - No! - Leave him alone! - Yeah! - Stop it! You're killing him! [dramatic choral music.]
Big ladder, you gotta help him! Can't you see they're ing him? They're killing him, big ladder! - Oh! You think big ladder's gonna help him? No, big ladder's on our team, Aren't you, big guy? What are you-- just let-- Big ladder, what are you-- big ladder! Big--let go! Help! Help! He's not letting go! [screaming hysterically.]
- Little ladder! - Let me down! - [burbling angrily.]
- Help! Get me down right now! - Little ladder, are you okay? - Big ladder! - [burbling.]
- I'll show you! [jabbering.]
- Whoa! - Let's get outta here.
[somber music.]
- Big ladder, no! [sobbing.]
I'm sorry, little ladder.
He's not gonna make it.
- [squeaks sadly.]
- big ladder Do you have any final words? - [burbles weakly.]
- [stammering incoherently.]
Now he's on the floor and justDoesn't even care.
- [exhales weakly.]
- [squeaks pathetically.]
[engine revs.]
[clatter.]
- The wolf dead.