Corner Gas (2004) s02e08 Episode Script
Security Cam
There you go.
You and Dad have a good trip.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, come on, Emma.
It could be fun, a little romantic getaway.
Nudge, nudge.
Nudge? My mother doesn't nudge.
Well, she had you, didn't she? She must have nudged once.
You know, Lacey's right.
Oscar and I haven't gone on a trip we've never gone on a trip.
It actually might be fun.
If you don't come now, I'm leavin' without ya.
It might be nice to relax, get away.
Stop honking that horn, you lunatic! I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah, it'll be a hoot.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on ** What ya doin'? I'm installing a security camera.
Really? 'Cause you must lose dollars worth of merchandise.
Oh, Lacey, this isn't about stolen Jubejubes.
You've got to look at the larger economic picture.
If I install one of these, I save $500 on my insurance.
Hmm.
How much did it cost? It was about 600 bucks.
Oh.
Hey, look.
It finally came, my stun gun.
Stun gun? What are you gonna do with that? Stun people.
What people? Bad people.
Okay, then.
It's kinda neat that your parents find time, at their age, to be romantic.
It is, is it? Yeah.
I know they bicker, but it's nice to see that they're still interested in each other, romantically.
Could we not talk about my parents and their alleged romance? It creeps me out.
Okay, fine.
Now, no more dirty talk.
Hand me that big tool, so I can mount this.
We're not lost.
I didn't say we were.
You were about to.
No, I wasn't.
We've only been driving for an hour.
Typical.
Assume the worst.
I wasn't assuming anything.
But now that you mention it, where are we? I don't know.
Ya happy now? Are you sure you need more equipment? You don't have a great track record with these kinds of things.
What are you talkin' about? Come on, the riot shield.
That was a riot shield? I thought it was a regular, everyday shield.
Hey, Brent.
Hey, Hank.
Is that one of those, uh, fake cameras? Good idea.
Trick people into thinking you got a real security camera.
No, it's a real security camera.
Nice! Make people think they're being watched, but you don't put a videotape in the machine? Heh-heh.
No.
I'm going to actually tape people.
Well, you can't do that.
I mean what's next? You're standing right over the trap door.
Yeah, right.
Hey, what's that, a radar gun? Even better.
It's a Taser gun.
Like on Uh, that's Oh.
To stun people? In case we have one of those rural riots you hear so much about? Exactly.
Oh, you're being sarcastic? Yeah.
What are the odds of a riot breaking out in Dog River? How do you figure? We either have a riot or we don't.
Exactly.
50-50.
I'm not thrilled about the Taser thing either, but you really should get your math right.
Right.
It's my mistake.
You're not gonna watch that, are ya? No.
I'm just making sure that it works.
Could you get out of the way? Oh, cool! A Taser gun! Yeah.
Can you hit me with it? What? Come on, zap me.
Please, Davis? Please, double please? No Hank.
Aw, come on.
All my life I wanted to be zapped by a Taser gun.
It's dream I thought I had to give up on, like being an astronaut or voting.
It's too dangerous.
First Brent starts spyin' on everyone with his security camera and now you're denying me a lifelong dream.
Why does Brent have a security camera? I'll tell ya if he stuns me.
No! I can club ya if ya want.
Nah.
Been there, done that.
This is ridiculous.
Pull into that dumpy motel and ask for directions.
We're lost.
Okay? Well, we're looking for a really fancy hotel.
I mean no offence to this place, but kind of a resort.
Well, what's the name? Whistling Brook.
Well, this is Whistling Brook.
See? I knew we weren't lost.
So Brent bought a security cam.
Obviously thinks we can't do our job.
Probably some kinda insurance thing.
Where did you get the cash for that stun gun? I thought you were going to buy bullet-proof vests.
I saved a ttle money by buying bullet-resistant vests.
Bullet resistant You ever sleep in a water resistant tent? You get pretty wet.
I'm outta control! I'm freakin' out! I'm freakin' out! I'm-I'm freakin' out! I'm on PCBs, man! You got-ya gotta stun me! You got to put me down fast Bullet resistant's pretty good, Karen.
I got the strength of 10 ordinary men! I'm freakin' out! Come on! Look at this shirt.
It's wrinkle resistant.
It's got a lot of wrinkles.
Hello? I wish that kid would stop jumping on the bed.
Come on Grandpa, snap out of it.
Your leg can't hurt that much.
Oh, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And his grandpa can shut up anytime too.
Come on, Davis! No! Just once.
No! On the lowest setting.
No! What are ya doin'? Ow! Stop that! Come on, shock me back.
Ow! Come on! I could explain this, if you like.
Nah.
Some things are better left to the imagination.
Ow! Stop that! Hey, Wanda, can I show you something? I've seen your belly do the hula, thanks.
No.
I think you'll find this fascinating.
It's from earlier today.
Hey, Karen.
Hey.
Where's Brent? Over at The Ruby chattin' up Lacey.
Does he do any work around here? Not really, no.
Unless drinking coffee and playing games with your belly is considered work.
Hmm.
Anything to say for yourself? Yes.
In my defence, I forgot the camera picked up sound.
Those belly games aren't easy, ya know.
Davis, check it out.
Huh? Huh? See, it hardly hurts at all.
Huh? Look.
Come on, I wanna be stunned.
Oh, you're already there.
Okay.
You pop the hood, I lift the car battery.
If I can handle the charge, ya stun me.
Huh? Okay, pop the hood.
Pop the hood.
I can't.
But clubbin' him's still on the table.
So Brent's mad at you.
I guess.
What was I supposed to do? He had me on tape.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I was only kidding about Brent earlier today, or the other day, when I was talking to you about him.
Of course you were.
I knew that.
That's why I didn't defend him.
Oh.
Okay.
Karen, remember, you were really gonna sell the fact that you were kidding about Brent, right? I'm not an actor, Lacey.
Okay.
You know, just try again.
I sounded a little forced.
Well, just, you know, take your time with it.
Okay? Wow! Is that Meryl Streep? Cut us some slack.
Yes.
We staged a little play to make our point.
You can't judge somebody on how they act every second of every day.
Oh, hang on.
What's this? Geez, is Lacey always that controlling? You get used to it.
When she gets her teeth into somethin', she's like a badger.
She thinks she knows everything.
She's not even good at math.
Wanda! You couldn't stick up for me.
That's real nice.
Lacey was giving me all kinds of acting notes.
I know why, because I called her on her lousy math skills.
How come I wasn't invited to be in one of Lacey's plays? I guess they thought I was a better actor.
It's insulting that Brent even has a security camera.
There's more to me than just a pretty boy tough guy cop.
I have depth and range.
Hey, Brent.
I feel silly about earlier.
I was just trying to help Wanda.
Ah, don't worry about it.
For some reason, this security camera's really freakin' people out.
I should have let Wanda do it her way.
She is awfully smart.
And she doesn't mind showin' us either.
Yeah, I know, hey? Sometimes I just feel like saying, "Okay, I get it.
You're smart.
You can stop being such a " Little Sally Smartypants? That's not exactly what I was gonna say, but sure, Little Sally Smartypants.
Get rid of that stupid security camera yet? Nope.
Well, then, I can no longer hang out here.
The thing just paid for itself.
I want to do something about that stupid security camera.
And usually I start a petition, but no one ever signs it, or a boycott, or a hunger strike, or a town meeting, or I campout on top of a telephone pole.
Well, Brent might learn a little lesson if his security camera got stolen.
Yeah.
By someone.
Yeah.
Someone he trusts.
Yeah, I suppose.
Someone he would never suspect.
Yeah.
Plot the camera's motion pattern and then approach from a blind spot.
You could pull it off, hypothetically.
I'm sorry.
I tried to find somethin' nice.
I didn't know that place would be so lousy.
Well, it's the thought that counts.
Really? Not really, no.
This is an outrage! I'm not payin'! You're out of order.
This whole town's out of order! Davis! Did I make a mistake on your bill? No.
Well, yes.
You're not that good at math.
But I was acting angry.
Did you believe I was angry? Well, yeah, I guess I did.
If you ever need me for one of your security camera plays Oh, Davis, I don't know if we're ever going to do another play.
I could bring the Taser gun.
No.
Brent, I have some terrible news about your parents.
I just got a call and I don't know how to tell you this.
Relax.
I'm just acting.
What? He's auditioning for the security camera.
Oh.
That in no way explains it.
I'm actually having a good time with you, Oscar.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, what are ya doin', tryin' to head butt me? No, I'm just leaning on you.
Sorry.
That's all right.
Put your head back down.
I just want you to consider me, that's all.
Davis, I don't produce the security plays; I just review them.
Brent, what's this? What's what? and stop being such a Little Sally Smartypants? Brent, when we were talking earlier, did we oh, hi, Wanda.
Whatcha watchin'? A little program called Sally Smartypants.
i+i+a'30 ZHi,i,|?|7|||?|?g?g|g|euGSz¥ anymore plays.
I just want a chance! We're sorry about what we said.
Nah, you guys did a good job.
Your little play taught me a lesson.
Yeah, that's what we thought when we decided to stage that play.
Uh-huh.
The acting was very natural.
Oh, I'm not much of an actor, really.
I just play myself.
Oh, yeah? What? Can't a guy case a joint? He's casing the joint.
Get Elliott Ness on the phone.
What are you staring at? I'm trying to see if I can time the camera's movements.
Uh-huh.
Well, good luck with that.
Yeah.
Slow camera.
Yeah.
Almost like it doesn't move at all.
Yeah.
Oh.
I've been a cop for 20 years, but I've never had to shoot anybody before.
I know you're my partner, but now it's time for you to Line.
Die.
Die! Right! Oh! And I'd feel more comfortable if you used a prop gun instead.
But this helps me stay in the moment.
Am I opening up in the morning? You can come in later.
I'm gonna be here early anyway.
Uaah! Remember when we were younger and we'd go to the gas station to play that game? You mean Parcheesi? No.
When you were working.
I'd come by as you were closing up.
Oh, that game.
Yeah.
That was spicier than Parcheesi.
Those were good times.
Yeah.
Do you still have your key to the gas station? Look, I-I was just gonna borrow the camera, to teach Brent a lesson.
It was Karen's idea.
She planned the whole thing.
Karen, come in.
Go ahead.
Did you tell Hank to rob Corner Gas? No.
What? No! That's crazy talk.
Hank's crazy! He said you practically drew him a map.
She literally drew me a map.
It was a hypothetical map.
We'll talk about this later.
Over and out.
Yeah, this was really stupid of me.
I deserve a good zap.
Forget it.
Just go home.
Hello.
My name's Davis Quinton.
I'm auditioning for one of Lacey's security plays.
For this scene I'll be using a Taser gun instead of a real one.
I think a real gun would be better, but some people think it's Anyways.
I've been a cop for 20 years and I never had to Dzz-zz-zz! Emma, come on.
Don't pester me.
You'll spoil the mood.
All right.
Just let me get behind the counter.
Okay, here we go.
Could you help me, Stranger? What seems to be the problem, you gorgeous customer? I need someone to check under my hood.
Well, you're talkin' to the right guy.
Come on over here.
Slow down, Tiger.
That wasn't me.
I stunned Were you there the whole time? How much did you hear? Stunned Ow?! I don't think he heard anything.
I need someone to check under my hood.
Well, you're talkin' to the right guy.
Oh.
I guess we all know that our parents have some kind of romantic life.
But no one needs to see it acted out on videotape.
What are you talkin' about, romantic life? Mom was just havin' trouble with her car.
That's all.
Obviously just car trouble.
Brent, the security camera doesn't lie.
What-what security camera? We don't have a camera.
You're talkin' gibberish.
Textbook case of psychological blocking, commonly known as denial.
Smartypants.
So Brent got rid of the camera.
Did he ever.
Whoa! Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *
You and Dad have a good trip.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, come on, Emma.
It could be fun, a little romantic getaway.
Nudge, nudge.
Nudge? My mother doesn't nudge.
Well, she had you, didn't she? She must have nudged once.
You know, Lacey's right.
Oscar and I haven't gone on a trip we've never gone on a trip.
It actually might be fun.
If you don't come now, I'm leavin' without ya.
It might be nice to relax, get away.
Stop honking that horn, you lunatic! I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah, it'll be a hoot.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on ** What ya doin'? I'm installing a security camera.
Really? 'Cause you must lose dollars worth of merchandise.
Oh, Lacey, this isn't about stolen Jubejubes.
You've got to look at the larger economic picture.
If I install one of these, I save $500 on my insurance.
Hmm.
How much did it cost? It was about 600 bucks.
Oh.
Hey, look.
It finally came, my stun gun.
Stun gun? What are you gonna do with that? Stun people.
What people? Bad people.
Okay, then.
It's kinda neat that your parents find time, at their age, to be romantic.
It is, is it? Yeah.
I know they bicker, but it's nice to see that they're still interested in each other, romantically.
Could we not talk about my parents and their alleged romance? It creeps me out.
Okay, fine.
Now, no more dirty talk.
Hand me that big tool, so I can mount this.
We're not lost.
I didn't say we were.
You were about to.
No, I wasn't.
We've only been driving for an hour.
Typical.
Assume the worst.
I wasn't assuming anything.
But now that you mention it, where are we? I don't know.
Ya happy now? Are you sure you need more equipment? You don't have a great track record with these kinds of things.
What are you talkin' about? Come on, the riot shield.
That was a riot shield? I thought it was a regular, everyday shield.
Hey, Brent.
Hey, Hank.
Is that one of those, uh, fake cameras? Good idea.
Trick people into thinking you got a real security camera.
No, it's a real security camera.
Nice! Make people think they're being watched, but you don't put a videotape in the machine? Heh-heh.
No.
I'm going to actually tape people.
Well, you can't do that.
I mean what's next? You're standing right over the trap door.
Yeah, right.
Hey, what's that, a radar gun? Even better.
It's a Taser gun.
Like on Uh, that's Oh.
To stun people? In case we have one of those rural riots you hear so much about? Exactly.
Oh, you're being sarcastic? Yeah.
What are the odds of a riot breaking out in Dog River? How do you figure? We either have a riot or we don't.
Exactly.
50-50.
I'm not thrilled about the Taser thing either, but you really should get your math right.
Right.
It's my mistake.
You're not gonna watch that, are ya? No.
I'm just making sure that it works.
Could you get out of the way? Oh, cool! A Taser gun! Yeah.
Can you hit me with it? What? Come on, zap me.
Please, Davis? Please, double please? No Hank.
Aw, come on.
All my life I wanted to be zapped by a Taser gun.
It's dream I thought I had to give up on, like being an astronaut or voting.
It's too dangerous.
First Brent starts spyin' on everyone with his security camera and now you're denying me a lifelong dream.
Why does Brent have a security camera? I'll tell ya if he stuns me.
No! I can club ya if ya want.
Nah.
Been there, done that.
This is ridiculous.
Pull into that dumpy motel and ask for directions.
We're lost.
Okay? Well, we're looking for a really fancy hotel.
I mean no offence to this place, but kind of a resort.
Well, what's the name? Whistling Brook.
Well, this is Whistling Brook.
See? I knew we weren't lost.
So Brent bought a security cam.
Obviously thinks we can't do our job.
Probably some kinda insurance thing.
Where did you get the cash for that stun gun? I thought you were going to buy bullet-proof vests.
I saved a ttle money by buying bullet-resistant vests.
Bullet resistant You ever sleep in a water resistant tent? You get pretty wet.
I'm outta control! I'm freakin' out! I'm freakin' out! I'm-I'm freakin' out! I'm on PCBs, man! You got-ya gotta stun me! You got to put me down fast Bullet resistant's pretty good, Karen.
I got the strength of 10 ordinary men! I'm freakin' out! Come on! Look at this shirt.
It's wrinkle resistant.
It's got a lot of wrinkles.
Hello? I wish that kid would stop jumping on the bed.
Come on Grandpa, snap out of it.
Your leg can't hurt that much.
Oh, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And his grandpa can shut up anytime too.
Come on, Davis! No! Just once.
No! On the lowest setting.
No! What are ya doin'? Ow! Stop that! Come on, shock me back.
Ow! Come on! I could explain this, if you like.
Nah.
Some things are better left to the imagination.
Ow! Stop that! Hey, Wanda, can I show you something? I've seen your belly do the hula, thanks.
No.
I think you'll find this fascinating.
It's from earlier today.
Hey, Karen.
Hey.
Where's Brent? Over at The Ruby chattin' up Lacey.
Does he do any work around here? Not really, no.
Unless drinking coffee and playing games with your belly is considered work.
Hmm.
Anything to say for yourself? Yes.
In my defence, I forgot the camera picked up sound.
Those belly games aren't easy, ya know.
Davis, check it out.
Huh? Huh? See, it hardly hurts at all.
Huh? Look.
Come on, I wanna be stunned.
Oh, you're already there.
Okay.
You pop the hood, I lift the car battery.
If I can handle the charge, ya stun me.
Huh? Okay, pop the hood.
Pop the hood.
I can't.
But clubbin' him's still on the table.
So Brent's mad at you.
I guess.
What was I supposed to do? He had me on tape.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I was only kidding about Brent earlier today, or the other day, when I was talking to you about him.
Of course you were.
I knew that.
That's why I didn't defend him.
Oh.
Okay.
Karen, remember, you were really gonna sell the fact that you were kidding about Brent, right? I'm not an actor, Lacey.
Okay.
You know, just try again.
I sounded a little forced.
Well, just, you know, take your time with it.
Okay? Wow! Is that Meryl Streep? Cut us some slack.
Yes.
We staged a little play to make our point.
You can't judge somebody on how they act every second of every day.
Oh, hang on.
What's this? Geez, is Lacey always that controlling? You get used to it.
When she gets her teeth into somethin', she's like a badger.
She thinks she knows everything.
She's not even good at math.
Wanda! You couldn't stick up for me.
That's real nice.
Lacey was giving me all kinds of acting notes.
I know why, because I called her on her lousy math skills.
How come I wasn't invited to be in one of Lacey's plays? I guess they thought I was a better actor.
It's insulting that Brent even has a security camera.
There's more to me than just a pretty boy tough guy cop.
I have depth and range.
Hey, Brent.
I feel silly about earlier.
I was just trying to help Wanda.
Ah, don't worry about it.
For some reason, this security camera's really freakin' people out.
I should have let Wanda do it her way.
She is awfully smart.
And she doesn't mind showin' us either.
Yeah, I know, hey? Sometimes I just feel like saying, "Okay, I get it.
You're smart.
You can stop being such a " Little Sally Smartypants? That's not exactly what I was gonna say, but sure, Little Sally Smartypants.
Get rid of that stupid security camera yet? Nope.
Well, then, I can no longer hang out here.
The thing just paid for itself.
I want to do something about that stupid security camera.
And usually I start a petition, but no one ever signs it, or a boycott, or a hunger strike, or a town meeting, or I campout on top of a telephone pole.
Well, Brent might learn a little lesson if his security camera got stolen.
Yeah.
By someone.
Yeah.
Someone he trusts.
Yeah, I suppose.
Someone he would never suspect.
Yeah.
Plot the camera's motion pattern and then approach from a blind spot.
You could pull it off, hypothetically.
I'm sorry.
I tried to find somethin' nice.
I didn't know that place would be so lousy.
Well, it's the thought that counts.
Really? Not really, no.
This is an outrage! I'm not payin'! You're out of order.
This whole town's out of order! Davis! Did I make a mistake on your bill? No.
Well, yes.
You're not that good at math.
But I was acting angry.
Did you believe I was angry? Well, yeah, I guess I did.
If you ever need me for one of your security camera plays Oh, Davis, I don't know if we're ever going to do another play.
I could bring the Taser gun.
No.
Brent, I have some terrible news about your parents.
I just got a call and I don't know how to tell you this.
Relax.
I'm just acting.
What? He's auditioning for the security camera.
Oh.
That in no way explains it.
I'm actually having a good time with you, Oscar.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, what are ya doin', tryin' to head butt me? No, I'm just leaning on you.
Sorry.
That's all right.
Put your head back down.
I just want you to consider me, that's all.
Davis, I don't produce the security plays; I just review them.
Brent, what's this? What's what? and stop being such a Little Sally Smartypants? Brent, when we were talking earlier, did we oh, hi, Wanda.
Whatcha watchin'? A little program called Sally Smartypants.
i+i+a'30 ZHi,i,|?|7|||?|?g?g|g|euGSz¥ anymore plays.
I just want a chance! We're sorry about what we said.
Nah, you guys did a good job.
Your little play taught me a lesson.
Yeah, that's what we thought when we decided to stage that play.
Uh-huh.
The acting was very natural.
Oh, I'm not much of an actor, really.
I just play myself.
Oh, yeah? What? Can't a guy case a joint? He's casing the joint.
Get Elliott Ness on the phone.
What are you staring at? I'm trying to see if I can time the camera's movements.
Uh-huh.
Well, good luck with that.
Yeah.
Slow camera.
Yeah.
Almost like it doesn't move at all.
Yeah.
Oh.
I've been a cop for 20 years, but I've never had to shoot anybody before.
I know you're my partner, but now it's time for you to Line.
Die.
Die! Right! Oh! And I'd feel more comfortable if you used a prop gun instead.
But this helps me stay in the moment.
Am I opening up in the morning? You can come in later.
I'm gonna be here early anyway.
Uaah! Remember when we were younger and we'd go to the gas station to play that game? You mean Parcheesi? No.
When you were working.
I'd come by as you were closing up.
Oh, that game.
Yeah.
That was spicier than Parcheesi.
Those were good times.
Yeah.
Do you still have your key to the gas station? Look, I-I was just gonna borrow the camera, to teach Brent a lesson.
It was Karen's idea.
She planned the whole thing.
Karen, come in.
Go ahead.
Did you tell Hank to rob Corner Gas? No.
What? No! That's crazy talk.
Hank's crazy! He said you practically drew him a map.
She literally drew me a map.
It was a hypothetical map.
We'll talk about this later.
Over and out.
Yeah, this was really stupid of me.
I deserve a good zap.
Forget it.
Just go home.
Hello.
My name's Davis Quinton.
I'm auditioning for one of Lacey's security plays.
For this scene I'll be using a Taser gun instead of a real one.
I think a real gun would be better, but some people think it's Anyways.
I've been a cop for 20 years and I never had to Dzz-zz-zz! Emma, come on.
Don't pester me.
You'll spoil the mood.
All right.
Just let me get behind the counter.
Okay, here we go.
Could you help me, Stranger? What seems to be the problem, you gorgeous customer? I need someone to check under my hood.
Well, you're talkin' to the right guy.
Come on over here.
Slow down, Tiger.
That wasn't me.
I stunned Were you there the whole time? How much did you hear? Stunned Ow?! I don't think he heard anything.
I need someone to check under my hood.
Well, you're talkin' to the right guy.
Oh.
I guess we all know that our parents have some kind of romantic life.
But no one needs to see it acted out on videotape.
What are you talkin' about, romantic life? Mom was just havin' trouble with her car.
That's all.
Obviously just car trouble.
Brent, the security camera doesn't lie.
What-what security camera? We don't have a camera.
You're talkin' gibberish.
Textbook case of psychological blocking, commonly known as denial.
Smartypants.
So Brent got rid of the camera.
Did he ever.
Whoa! Closed Captioning by * I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it * I don't know the same things you don't know * Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *