Dan Vs. (2010) s02e08 Episode Script
Dan Vs. The Gym
So Dan, this is our new gym.
What do you think? I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere! They're called stationary bikes.
It's to get your heart rate up.
That sounds dangerously irresponsible.
I'm leaving.
Get your sticky paws off me! Give the gym a chance.
You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
That was said in confidence! Hey little guy.
I'm Chad, the manager of this rockin' pump house.
What's your name? Beauchamp.
His name is Dan.
Stop snitching.
Dan, look at him.
Okay.
Now look at you.
Hey, what are you doing?! And why are your hands so cold?! Tell you what.
I like a challenge.
I'm going to give you a free trial membership.
I'll even train you myself.
Ready to get sweaty.
I'm always a little sweaty.
Alright.
Yeah, way to go man.
Visualize to actualize! Go go go! Feel the burn! I hate the burn! Love the burn! Don't tell me what to love! Hey Dan! Did you have a good workout? I think I'm having organ failure Trust me, buddy.
You are going to wake up tomorrow, feeling better than you ever have in your life! So sore.
Can't move.
Mr.
Mumbles get help! So hungry Hello? This is Dan.
I need to cancel my membership right now.
Oh, sorry buddy.
You have to cancel your trial membership within 48 hours man.
Your yearly membership has been activated, bro.
But I've been in an exercise coma! Dude, Here's how you get the most of it: come on back and get your pump on.
GYYY-ah! Gyyymm! What do you think you're doing?! I'm sculpting my latissimus dorsi.
I need to speak with you.
In English.
I'll be right back.
Okay, C-dog, but we're on the clock, bro.
Rodger dodger! Chris, I need- Wait, go back a second "Rodger Dodger".
Now that I'm working out, my synapses are firing faster.
I was getting bored with common responses.
Okay.
Listen, we need to take out the gym.
No way.
The gym is great.
It's helping me become healthier, more athletic and, if I do say so myself, more attractive to my lady.
Ecch, gross.
I have a new found confidence and energy,I- You are dead to me.
Enjoy your increased muscle mass, defector.
Hey bro, let's make another training appointment man.
I've got a Tuesday, six a.
m.
available dude.
I hardly ever stay up that late anymore.
(mr.
mumbles) Mrow.
It's very simple.
Once I get people to hate the gym, they stop showing up, the gym closes and I am free from my Draconian membership contract.
Ready Mr.
Mumbles? No stretching.
That's what they'd want you to do.
Okay, gym's open! Ten minutes to Salsa! What?! Chad never offered me any salsa.
(mr.
mumbles) Mrow.
Mr.
Mumbles! Where did you learn that kind of language? Uh, repair man.
Everybody keep looking stupid.
Perfect.
All fixed, folks! My delts! Don't worry dude-buddy, we'll get you all fixed up bro.
I'll be okay.
Man, this is the best, most intense workout I've had in my life.
I think I had, maybe seven heart attacks back there, but it was worth it! WHAT?! (You people are supposed to hate this! I did not tinker with this equipment all night so you masochists could enjoy yourselves! (chad o.
s.
) Bro, you did what? Oh hi, Chad, I- DRAGON STANCE! Let me go! I will bite! Ar! Ar! Ar, ar! And don't come back! You can't ban me, I'm a member! What's this stuff? Where's the peanut butter? Oh, well Elise! We've been robbed! Someone stole all our food and replaced it withwith I don't even know.
Oh, that.
Yeah, listen You call the police.
I'll start making a list of what's missing for the insurance company.
We haven't been robbed, Chris.
Chad sent over a list of foods you can't eat while you're on his program.
Chad would never do that to me.
But,this is a list of everything that's good in my life! Is it? Elise, I just want a hoagie.
Or a burger.
Maybe both.
I have something way better than a burger, Mister! Here, have some wheat grass.
See? It's not so bad.
Not bad at all! I'm going to get a run in before our training session.
See you soon! I love you! (chris under his breath) Even though you fed me that.
What do you want, jock strap? I'm in.
What happened to "I'm attractive! I'm confident! My wife doesn't look at other guys as much"? She doesn't! Look, it's one thing to do a few sit-ups, but Chad gave Elise a diet to put me on.
I'm eating food that food eats! Tyrants! That's no way to live.
Get over here.
We'll come up with a plan like old times.
Together.
I'll grab some burgers on the way over.
Maybe some fries jalapeno poppers and onion rings swirly shake with candy crushes.
Sweet.
Oh.
Did you want anything? So what's the plan? You and Elise are Chad's last clients of the day.
After that he closes the gym.
We follow him home and break his kneecaps.
Uh Don't you give me any of that "I won't hurt another human being" nonsense.
Do you ever want to eat bacon in your own home again? I'd kill for that.
Then breaking a kneecap or two should be just fine.
You'd kill for bacon? I'm sorry, Chad.
He was supposed to be here.
Let me just call him.
Okay, but we're on the clock.
Bad Chris! I told you to put it on vibrate! And I told you, I don't know how to do that.
Hey, where are you? We're supposed to have a session with Chad.
Oh, I thought we were talking about tomorrow.
I'm actually out, uh- -Uh, shopping.
Shopping? Yeah! For uh- -uh, smaller pants! You know, to uh, in anticipation of my new slimmed-down physique.
Is Dan with you? What? No! I'm alone.
Anyway, I can't make it.
I'll work out extra hard next time, and be extra diligent about my diet.
Why does it sound like you're eating a cookie? What? No.
Goodbye! Smooth.
EGCH! What is this crapiola? You're always saying you hate coffee when we go on stakeouts.
So instead of getting more cheap coffee spilled all over my car, I got you some tea.
Dan! Stop it! Tea? On a stakeout? Did you also bring scones and clotted cream? They were out.
Follow him! But don't get too close.
We don't want him to catch our scent.
Maybe if you showered more often.
We are in the middle of a water crisis! Do you want to see children die all over the world due to lack of clean drinking water? Or worse, having to buy our water from New England.
Can you imagine what that would be like? (haughty new england accent) Oh, Muffy, let's have the beaujolais.
Ridiculous.
Now go! Now I get it! These membership hustlers have found some kind of super supplement.
That's why Chad never has to work out.
That seems a little far fetched.
Okay Einstein, you tell me.
Well I I mean, uh- Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why are you looking at me like that? Do you have a bunch of spare socks in your car? Of course.
Why? Why couldn't YOU do this? I'm not putting YOUR socks under MY shirt.
That's just unsanitary.
Now go.
Wait, what am I supposed to be finding out? Secrets! Go! No way.
Dan! Dan! Did you find the super supplement? No, it's so much weirder! Get me out of here! You wouldn't believe what- (chad o.
s.
) Hello, Chris.
Oh, no.
(chris o.
s.
) Let me go! Help! Chris! Help! Chris is being held captive by the supplement illuminati! The what?! A race of genetic superhumans that live in the basement of an evil vitamin store.
Dan.
It's the middle of the night.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Radioactive gym rats! World domination! Chris! I'll get my pants.
Chris, are you okay?! Sure.
Why wouldn't I be? Dan kept screaming something about you being force-fed protein supplements.
Or something.
I wasn't really listening.
You learn to tune him out.
Well you know Dan, always exaggerating.
Exaggerate?! Dan, enough.
I'm exhausted and Chris is obviously fine.
Let's go home.
Hey wait! You're my ride! .
Chris? Good morning, wife.
Um, good morning.
Wow, Chris.
Those training sessions have really been working for you.
The pump is good.
So good.
Uh how about I whip you up some chocolate chip pancakes? Actually, if you're making breakfast, I'd love some egg whites and a slice of wheat toast, no butter.
Who are you and what have you done with my husband? Ha ha ha, you're so cute.
Okay honey, I have to hit the gym.
Bye! You did great with your first client, Chris.
I could go for a wheat grass.
Hah! Hey Elise.
Nice quads! Don't try to flatter me - but thank you for noticing- What have you done to Chris? Helped him visualize to actualize just like I'm going to do to you.
Oh you think so? Oh no.
Swimsuit models.
Chris? What-? What kind of animal pounds on doors at this hour Chris? Elise? Whoa! What's with the pulling? Come work out with us, Dan? Oh hey, that sounds like fun! Ooh, or you know what I'd rather do? Anything else! Don't be like that.
You'll have a swell time.
Again, no.
Besides, from the looks of it, you guys have been working out too much.
Also, you're talking simultaneously, which is creeping me out big time.
It's time to go, Dan.
They've zombied you! Dan, away! I don't know what's going on here, but stay back! Elise is a robot.
I've been telling you that since day one! Alright Dan, what would Mr.
Mumbles do? I can't believe that worked.
Oh, c'mon.
Release me, you mindless drones! Cardio? Please, no! Chris-bot, if there's any Chris left in you, you'll help! Dan? Chris? See, Elise? I told you he'd come.
And I told you it'd be because the little dummy would get captured.
Oh, cruel fate, why do you mock us so? Hey Dan.
I suppose you're wondering what you're doing here.
Obviously, you're sentient androids hellbent on world domination.
Ooh.
We prefer the term "heck-bent".
ANYWAY, when Chris and Elise stumbled onto your robo-plot, you replaced them with significantly more attractive versions of themselves.
Excuse me.
So the only thing I haven't figured out is why you're keeping the real us's alive.
Well, dude bro you'll be spending the rest of your life generating the electricity that we run on.
Just like all the other gullible pudgies who join the gym thinking they can actually improve themselves-- So that's why I never got a six pack.
I'm not a robot! Man I hate robots.
Actually, robots are fine.
Androids are the problem.
Wall to wall jerks.
You won't get away with this! What are you guys doing? Why are you still rowing? If the power output drops, they zap us with pain sticks.
Pain sticks? Aaaahhh! You could have just told me! I have a plan, if only I could get free.
I can get free.
Dan, those are metal.
Well, I'm leaving.
Bye guys.
DAN! FINE.
How do "WE" get out of here? Okay, everyone! Row faster or they'll send in more guards! Dan, you've got to hook the pain stick up to the power output.
I'll tell you how.
En guarde, Chad-bot! You! Back to your station, meat battery.
I don't think so.
Come on, guys! We can't let Dan run out of power! I'm totally wilting like a Dutch elm, bro-ham! Feel the burn, Chad.
(danbot o.
s.
) What's up, ugly? Hey! Nobody talks to me like that.
Not even robo-me.
Eat my pain stick! Come on, guys! I see you've broken your toy.
NOW I've broken my toy.
You're going to regret that.
If I don't regret how it went down with Grandma, then I don't see what I'll regret about you.
I'm going to squeeze until the pink oozes out.
Blood is red you stupid robot It turns pink when mixed with brains.
Oh I see That's kind of interesting, actually.
C'mon guys.
We can't let the robots win.
Visualize to actualize.
Feel the burn! Shut up! Come on Well alright.
The robots are dead.
Victorious again, I have returned to rescue you.
Hooray.
Let's go.
What about all these people? Meh, I'm sure someone will notify their parents.
Ooh! I know! Let's take Chad to the dump.
What? Why? Put him in one of those car cubers.
He'll be a cube! I don't know about you two, but I'm going to leave the gym life to the robots.
You can't let one bad experience spoil you- I don't care, Elise.
Really I don't.
Now you can go enjoy your sprouts and oatmeal and jogging, but I'm getting a burger, TO GO, and eating it in front of the TV.
You guys want to join me? I'm going home.
Me too.
Fine, just me and Chad then.
What do you think? I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere! They're called stationary bikes.
It's to get your heart rate up.
That sounds dangerously irresponsible.
I'm leaving.
Get your sticky paws off me! Give the gym a chance.
You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
That was said in confidence! Hey little guy.
I'm Chad, the manager of this rockin' pump house.
What's your name? Beauchamp.
His name is Dan.
Stop snitching.
Dan, look at him.
Okay.
Now look at you.
Hey, what are you doing?! And why are your hands so cold?! Tell you what.
I like a challenge.
I'm going to give you a free trial membership.
I'll even train you myself.
Ready to get sweaty.
I'm always a little sweaty.
Alright.
Yeah, way to go man.
Visualize to actualize! Go go go! Feel the burn! I hate the burn! Love the burn! Don't tell me what to love! Hey Dan! Did you have a good workout? I think I'm having organ failure Trust me, buddy.
You are going to wake up tomorrow, feeling better than you ever have in your life! So sore.
Can't move.
Mr.
Mumbles get help! So hungry Hello? This is Dan.
I need to cancel my membership right now.
Oh, sorry buddy.
You have to cancel your trial membership within 48 hours man.
Your yearly membership has been activated, bro.
But I've been in an exercise coma! Dude, Here's how you get the most of it: come on back and get your pump on.
GYYY-ah! Gyyymm! What do you think you're doing?! I'm sculpting my latissimus dorsi.
I need to speak with you.
In English.
I'll be right back.
Okay, C-dog, but we're on the clock, bro.
Rodger dodger! Chris, I need- Wait, go back a second "Rodger Dodger".
Now that I'm working out, my synapses are firing faster.
I was getting bored with common responses.
Okay.
Listen, we need to take out the gym.
No way.
The gym is great.
It's helping me become healthier, more athletic and, if I do say so myself, more attractive to my lady.
Ecch, gross.
I have a new found confidence and energy,I- You are dead to me.
Enjoy your increased muscle mass, defector.
Hey bro, let's make another training appointment man.
I've got a Tuesday, six a.
m.
available dude.
I hardly ever stay up that late anymore.
(mr.
mumbles) Mrow.
It's very simple.
Once I get people to hate the gym, they stop showing up, the gym closes and I am free from my Draconian membership contract.
Ready Mr.
Mumbles? No stretching.
That's what they'd want you to do.
Okay, gym's open! Ten minutes to Salsa! What?! Chad never offered me any salsa.
(mr.
mumbles) Mrow.
Mr.
Mumbles! Where did you learn that kind of language? Uh, repair man.
Everybody keep looking stupid.
Perfect.
All fixed, folks! My delts! Don't worry dude-buddy, we'll get you all fixed up bro.
I'll be okay.
Man, this is the best, most intense workout I've had in my life.
I think I had, maybe seven heart attacks back there, but it was worth it! WHAT?! (You people are supposed to hate this! I did not tinker with this equipment all night so you masochists could enjoy yourselves! (chad o.
s.
) Bro, you did what? Oh hi, Chad, I- DRAGON STANCE! Let me go! I will bite! Ar! Ar! Ar, ar! And don't come back! You can't ban me, I'm a member! What's this stuff? Where's the peanut butter? Oh, well Elise! We've been robbed! Someone stole all our food and replaced it withwith I don't even know.
Oh, that.
Yeah, listen You call the police.
I'll start making a list of what's missing for the insurance company.
We haven't been robbed, Chris.
Chad sent over a list of foods you can't eat while you're on his program.
Chad would never do that to me.
But,this is a list of everything that's good in my life! Is it? Elise, I just want a hoagie.
Or a burger.
Maybe both.
I have something way better than a burger, Mister! Here, have some wheat grass.
See? It's not so bad.
Not bad at all! I'm going to get a run in before our training session.
See you soon! I love you! (chris under his breath) Even though you fed me that.
What do you want, jock strap? I'm in.
What happened to "I'm attractive! I'm confident! My wife doesn't look at other guys as much"? She doesn't! Look, it's one thing to do a few sit-ups, but Chad gave Elise a diet to put me on.
I'm eating food that food eats! Tyrants! That's no way to live.
Get over here.
We'll come up with a plan like old times.
Together.
I'll grab some burgers on the way over.
Maybe some fries jalapeno poppers and onion rings swirly shake with candy crushes.
Sweet.
Oh.
Did you want anything? So what's the plan? You and Elise are Chad's last clients of the day.
After that he closes the gym.
We follow him home and break his kneecaps.
Uh Don't you give me any of that "I won't hurt another human being" nonsense.
Do you ever want to eat bacon in your own home again? I'd kill for that.
Then breaking a kneecap or two should be just fine.
You'd kill for bacon? I'm sorry, Chad.
He was supposed to be here.
Let me just call him.
Okay, but we're on the clock.
Bad Chris! I told you to put it on vibrate! And I told you, I don't know how to do that.
Hey, where are you? We're supposed to have a session with Chad.
Oh, I thought we were talking about tomorrow.
I'm actually out, uh- -Uh, shopping.
Shopping? Yeah! For uh- -uh, smaller pants! You know, to uh, in anticipation of my new slimmed-down physique.
Is Dan with you? What? No! I'm alone.
Anyway, I can't make it.
I'll work out extra hard next time, and be extra diligent about my diet.
Why does it sound like you're eating a cookie? What? No.
Goodbye! Smooth.
EGCH! What is this crapiola? You're always saying you hate coffee when we go on stakeouts.
So instead of getting more cheap coffee spilled all over my car, I got you some tea.
Dan! Stop it! Tea? On a stakeout? Did you also bring scones and clotted cream? They were out.
Follow him! But don't get too close.
We don't want him to catch our scent.
Maybe if you showered more often.
We are in the middle of a water crisis! Do you want to see children die all over the world due to lack of clean drinking water? Or worse, having to buy our water from New England.
Can you imagine what that would be like? (haughty new england accent) Oh, Muffy, let's have the beaujolais.
Ridiculous.
Now go! Now I get it! These membership hustlers have found some kind of super supplement.
That's why Chad never has to work out.
That seems a little far fetched.
Okay Einstein, you tell me.
Well I I mean, uh- Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why are you looking at me like that? Do you have a bunch of spare socks in your car? Of course.
Why? Why couldn't YOU do this? I'm not putting YOUR socks under MY shirt.
That's just unsanitary.
Now go.
Wait, what am I supposed to be finding out? Secrets! Go! No way.
Dan! Dan! Did you find the super supplement? No, it's so much weirder! Get me out of here! You wouldn't believe what- (chad o.
s.
) Hello, Chris.
Oh, no.
(chris o.
s.
) Let me go! Help! Chris! Help! Chris is being held captive by the supplement illuminati! The what?! A race of genetic superhumans that live in the basement of an evil vitamin store.
Dan.
It's the middle of the night.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Radioactive gym rats! World domination! Chris! I'll get my pants.
Chris, are you okay?! Sure.
Why wouldn't I be? Dan kept screaming something about you being force-fed protein supplements.
Or something.
I wasn't really listening.
You learn to tune him out.
Well you know Dan, always exaggerating.
Exaggerate?! Dan, enough.
I'm exhausted and Chris is obviously fine.
Let's go home.
Hey wait! You're my ride! .
Chris? Good morning, wife.
Um, good morning.
Wow, Chris.
Those training sessions have really been working for you.
The pump is good.
So good.
Uh how about I whip you up some chocolate chip pancakes? Actually, if you're making breakfast, I'd love some egg whites and a slice of wheat toast, no butter.
Who are you and what have you done with my husband? Ha ha ha, you're so cute.
Okay honey, I have to hit the gym.
Bye! You did great with your first client, Chris.
I could go for a wheat grass.
Hah! Hey Elise.
Nice quads! Don't try to flatter me - but thank you for noticing- What have you done to Chris? Helped him visualize to actualize just like I'm going to do to you.
Oh you think so? Oh no.
Swimsuit models.
Chris? What-? What kind of animal pounds on doors at this hour Chris? Elise? Whoa! What's with the pulling? Come work out with us, Dan? Oh hey, that sounds like fun! Ooh, or you know what I'd rather do? Anything else! Don't be like that.
You'll have a swell time.
Again, no.
Besides, from the looks of it, you guys have been working out too much.
Also, you're talking simultaneously, which is creeping me out big time.
It's time to go, Dan.
They've zombied you! Dan, away! I don't know what's going on here, but stay back! Elise is a robot.
I've been telling you that since day one! Alright Dan, what would Mr.
Mumbles do? I can't believe that worked.
Oh, c'mon.
Release me, you mindless drones! Cardio? Please, no! Chris-bot, if there's any Chris left in you, you'll help! Dan? Chris? See, Elise? I told you he'd come.
And I told you it'd be because the little dummy would get captured.
Oh, cruel fate, why do you mock us so? Hey Dan.
I suppose you're wondering what you're doing here.
Obviously, you're sentient androids hellbent on world domination.
Ooh.
We prefer the term "heck-bent".
ANYWAY, when Chris and Elise stumbled onto your robo-plot, you replaced them with significantly more attractive versions of themselves.
Excuse me.
So the only thing I haven't figured out is why you're keeping the real us's alive.
Well, dude bro you'll be spending the rest of your life generating the electricity that we run on.
Just like all the other gullible pudgies who join the gym thinking they can actually improve themselves-- So that's why I never got a six pack.
I'm not a robot! Man I hate robots.
Actually, robots are fine.
Androids are the problem.
Wall to wall jerks.
You won't get away with this! What are you guys doing? Why are you still rowing? If the power output drops, they zap us with pain sticks.
Pain sticks? Aaaahhh! You could have just told me! I have a plan, if only I could get free.
I can get free.
Dan, those are metal.
Well, I'm leaving.
Bye guys.
DAN! FINE.
How do "WE" get out of here? Okay, everyone! Row faster or they'll send in more guards! Dan, you've got to hook the pain stick up to the power output.
I'll tell you how.
En guarde, Chad-bot! You! Back to your station, meat battery.
I don't think so.
Come on, guys! We can't let Dan run out of power! I'm totally wilting like a Dutch elm, bro-ham! Feel the burn, Chad.
(danbot o.
s.
) What's up, ugly? Hey! Nobody talks to me like that.
Not even robo-me.
Eat my pain stick! Come on, guys! I see you've broken your toy.
NOW I've broken my toy.
You're going to regret that.
If I don't regret how it went down with Grandma, then I don't see what I'll regret about you.
I'm going to squeeze until the pink oozes out.
Blood is red you stupid robot It turns pink when mixed with brains.
Oh I see That's kind of interesting, actually.
C'mon guys.
We can't let the robots win.
Visualize to actualize.
Feel the burn! Shut up! Come on Well alright.
The robots are dead.
Victorious again, I have returned to rescue you.
Hooray.
Let's go.
What about all these people? Meh, I'm sure someone will notify their parents.
Ooh! I know! Let's take Chad to the dump.
What? Why? Put him in one of those car cubers.
He'll be a cube! I don't know about you two, but I'm going to leave the gym life to the robots.
You can't let one bad experience spoil you- I don't care, Elise.
Really I don't.
Now you can go enjoy your sprouts and oatmeal and jogging, but I'm getting a burger, TO GO, and eating it in front of the TV.
You guys want to join me? I'm going home.
Me too.
Fine, just me and Chad then.