DAVE (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

1
I knew when I saw you ♪
From your car ♪
From the start ♪
I had to hear your heart race ♪
The hardest place ♪
To get a drink in L.A. ♪
I was late, but as
fate would have it ♪
We fell in love ♪
I was me and now I'm us ♪
And I don't know
where to go from here ♪
I'll brave the storm I caused. ♪
Obviously, I would learn
how to play the guitar,
but I think it's a
pretty achievable thing.
You are a born entertainer.
This is something, uh
- Oops, sorry.
- This is something we would do on the side,
you know, uh, to add to the
enigmatic story that is Dave.
Just a piece of the puzzle.
Um, I think when I do
that I'd like to go by
the stage name
Mandemius, and potentially
I might have a British accent
if I continue to work at it
and figure it out for myself.
But I might have to take dialect lessons
in addition to the guitar, so
Uh, how's the actual album
coming along, though, guys?
The XXL stuff just came
out, and we'd like to ride
- that rapper momentum.
- Mm.
And you killed that shit, by the way,
so could be a lot of traction.
Thank you. Um, they did a
good job editorially with that.
Uh, the album How do
I want to even say this?
So I just want to say we do
appreciate you guys very much.
- The house is phenomenal.
- Great.
- Our pleasure.
- So, so nice.
I don't think we have
to pussyfoot around this.
Tessa's my road dog.
So here's what's going on.
Penith is a bear, um,
and I'm a gorilla.
Don't get me wrong,
but what I'm finding out
is that when bears and gorillas,
you know you can't
crossbreed all the time.
- Mm.
- I am trying to play God.
I'm realizing that might
be too much hubric of me.
So I am struggling with
the behemoth that is Penith.
Uh, how much of it would
you say is done, though?
- Done done?
- Yeah, done done. Percentage-wise.
Done done. Uh Dun dun dun. ♪
Um, I've got, like, four half songs
that I don't believe in at all.
So I don't even count
those as a so
Nothing.
- Um
- Zero?
Yeah. I do have six folk
songs that are incredible.
- The wrong genre, obviously,
- Um
- but
- Especially since that
album release date is
closely approaching.
How much time, like, do
you think you might need?
Yeah, we might need to do a
little bit of a nudge there, uh,
- but if we're being conservative, I don't
- A year.
Daylight savings time has
been really throwing me off
- with the darkness.
- Right.
Yeah, I think we'll just focus
on some housekeeping stuff then.
Housekeeping, great. I
I would love a housekeeper.
A right at the top of the stairs,
and then another right.
Don't hit the sconce.
- Don't hit the sconce.
- Okay, I'm not.
You have your own bathroom.
I think you're gonna
like the water pressure.
You know, David always
took the longest showers.
- Yeah, I can imagine.
- Aw, geez, I just can't believe
you got fired from that label.
Mom, I didn't get fired
from a record label.
- I don't work at a record label.
- No, he got evicted.
Which is much worse because
it directly affects me.
It's the entertainment industry.
Some people lack patience.
They don't understand
what this is, fine.
The chip on my shoulder
just grows larger, okay?
What is this room, by the way?
It's like a little girl's room.
- Yeah.
- It's an Airbnb.
It's so naà¯ve.
- Well
- Mama, can you make me a sandwich?
Of course, sweetheart.
Do you want it in triangles?
- You got it.
- Thanks, Mama.
You're welcome.
"Mama. Mama, will you
make me some sandwiches?
And cut it up so my baby teeth
- can get through this bread, maybe?"
- Michael?
- Yeah?
- Would you like a sandwich?
- Yeah, please.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, man.
I don't think you're a failure.
I Yeah. I don't think
I'm a failure either.
Why would you I don't
I didn't think you thought that.
Okay. Good.
Sorry.
I got caught on this, like,
endless FaceTime with my sister.
It was a whole thing, and Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Good. You know, a little
bit of a setback. But
Are you having a good time living
with your favorite people again?
Uh, yeah. I feel like
I'm, like, you know,
reduced to my core.
I'm back, uh, finding my roots.
Just wish it could be under
less embarrassing circumstances.
It's not embarrassing, Dave.
I was literally kicked out of my
house for lack of productivity.
Okay, I know that
you have a very specific
plan for how everything
is supposed to go, and that this
is not part of that, probably.
- Mm.
- But it's just a detour.
Yeah, just a detour.
Well, I guess
you probably don't want
your, uh, housewarming gifts.
- You got me gifts?
- Yeah.
Come on. Come to my, uh, my car,
where I have the gifts located.
- Come on. I'm in pursuit.
- Sure.
Yeah. 100% authentic gifts.
- There's multiple?
- Yeah. And this
What what is this?
What is this? It's a
headband for your hair.
Like you've always
wanted. You're always like,
- "Aah, my hair."
- Am I saying that?
It was custom-made
for you. So try it on.
Okay. Huh.
Oh. Oh, my God.
- Do I look good in this?
- Stunning. You look amazing!
- Is this a good look?
- You should be
a professional fuckin'
Halloween player for soccer.
- What?
- And Okay, got it.
This is the big one.
- Get ready.
- Ooh, I gotta get out of your way.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Did you really?
- I did.
You have truly outdone yourself.
- Yeah.
- You have gotten me the worst gift
a man could receive. I mean,
I can't even blow up a balloon.
- Okay.
- You know that.
- I did forget that you sa
- I can't.
But I also don't think that's true,
- try it.
- You think I li
Now you sound like the
bullies that I had to deal with
who said, "This guy
can't blow up a balloon."
I can't. I have a slack jaw.
Okay, then give it to me,
and I will give it to someone
who can blow it.
That's unfair. I can use
the gift any way I want.
Dave
It's mine. I appreciate all these gifts.
You're welcome. You're welcome.
You can just Venmo me.
No.
You can't blame me for every raisin
- that you see. We both eat raisins.
- Have you guys seen my laptop anywhere?
- Been looking everywhere.
- I'm not blaming you for every raisin,
- just these three.
- Yeah, and what, do they have my name on it?
What are you doing?
- What about that cashew?
- Please get off of my laptop.
I was listening to the records
that you made this past year.
No, Dave, you can't keep
me in the dark anymore, man.
This is none of your business.
This is literally my only business.
At least let me try and help you.
You're not even in the right folder.
Okay, well, where do I go?
"Penith possibilities."
"Penith poss "
- Possibilities.
- I get it.
There's no organization to this.
You're playing stuff at random.
Okay, what's what's "Me Too"?
- "Me Too" is a radical
- Let's hear it.
You wanna cuddle in my bed? Me, too ♪
Are you on board
to have sex? Me, too ♪
Oh, you came? Oh, me, too! ♪
Do you use shampoo? Me, too ♪
Do you fuck with movies? Me, too ♪
Do you wanna fuck? Oh, yeah, me, too ♪
Ooh, respectfully. ♪
Okay, do you know what's going on
- right now in the world?
- Yeah, what? I don't
- I don't think it's a good idea.
- I just think that's, like, the worst thing
- you could ever have thought.
- Yeah, I don't like it.
- Okay, what about "Jenkum"? What is "Jenkum"?
- Ooh.
It's a sweet spot in
my heart. Jenkum is, uh,
when you take shit and you
put it in a plastic bag
- Okay, that's enough.
- and you let it ferment.
- And you huff it, and you
- I don't need to hear it.
What about "Ally's Song"?
Is that a real thing? Because if it is,
- we should put it out immediately.
- No, that's in the wrong folder.
It's "Ally's Song," and
it's not even in the right
- Oh, well, then, I want to hear it.
- You don't need to hear it. Please don't.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh whoa ♪
I fucked the whole thing up ♪
I did it all backwards ♪
Now I'm all alone with my rap verse ♪
I could barely share a password ♪
I said we'd dance, I left you there ♪
I left me there, too ♪
You had my back, I puked on you ♪
I chased my dream so much it ran ♪
I can't make jokes without
your laugh, it seems ♪
I'd do anything to melt you ♪
I took you for granted ♪
I'll give you belly rubs, too ♪
Did you like the rabbit? ♪
It's killing me to kill you ♪
And you were the magic ♪
But I fucked the whole thing up ♪
I did it all backwards ♪
Now I'm all alone with my rap verse ♪
You were the best at my worst ♪
And I miss you, Ally ♪
Hoot-hoot ♪
I'm lost without you ♪
Hoot-hoot. ♪
It's That's good. Dave, that's
good. I mean, it's different.
- It's like nothing I've ever heard you make before.
- Yeah.
I didn't know you even
did stuff like that.
I It's not a Lil Dicky
song. It's I don't
No, it's not a Lil Dicky
song because you don't mention
your penis the entire time.
This is great to be different
and to try new stuff.
I hear you, and I'm happy you like it,
but it's definitely not,
like, the type of thing
- that's going on Penith.
- Well, it should.
It should be on the album,
- because you have to show growth.
- No, M
And I think that's huge. And also,
it's nice to acknowledge that
you're still in love with Ally.
- I mean
- Uh, no.
People love breakup songs.
That was the impetus of that.
So I experimented in the lane,
tapped into emotion it's not that
- Mm.
- I love Ally as a friend, but
there won't be a breakup
song with my wife.
- I'll tell you that much.
- Okay. Yeah, well
Sounds like you've got this
whole life thing figured out.
"Jenkum" it is.
Hey, honey, dinner's in 20.
All right, I'm gonna shower real quick.
David, you don't have time.
You just said dinner was in 20.
- Please don't be late.
- Okay.
Milk or seltzer?
Uh, seltzer's good.
You got it.
Oh, Mila.
Oh, God.
Uh, don't run, stop running.
Don't run, don't run.
Did you get in touch with the doctor?
I left a message.
And they said he'd call me back.
And he didn't call me back.
Well, that happened yesterday, also.
I know, they don't call you back here.
- I don't understand.
- But, honey, you need to stay on it.
- You're late for dinner.
- What, stay on the phone?
- Or ?
- I'm 90 seconds late, Mom
One second late for dinner
is still late for dinner.
You know I had a single
request. You always do this.
I mean, if I were
always 90 seconds late,
wouldn't that, by definition, make me
an incredibly punctual human being?
He's good that's a good point.
- Give it to me, give it to me.
- He's good!
- Very good, very good. What?
- Thank you.
What? I'm just saying the
guy's had a pretty rough week.
- Yeah.
- Fine, you two win.
Be late forever. Look
what I made for you.
And then I just press yes or no.
And then a new, gorgeous woman comes on.
- And yeah.
- Oh, my God!
And you press this and it
shows different pictures and
Are they all in their underwear?
Certainly not wife material.
You haven't met anyone
you're interested in?
No, nobody swept me off my feet yet.
David, you got to stop talking
about being swept off your feet.
That's easy for you to say,
Mom. You stumbled into perfection
in a man named Don. Like,
if I could meet a female Don,
- then it'd be perfect.
- Wait, no
- That's magic, that guy.
- Hang on.
We met, we were compatible
and the timing was right.
That's all I want! What do you mean?
I want to be walking
down the street and, like,
see a woman walk out
of a Barnes & Noble.
David Uncle Doug set us up
because I was fat and
your dad liked fat women,
- but it wasn't magical.
- What?
We became best friends and he
makes me laugh every day and
that's, that's all I need.
Well, that sounds
magical, what do you mean?
It's a rags-to-riches story
you were overweight and Don came in,
- and he dominated
- Hey.
You want to watch the Schitt's Creek?
- Don, do you see
- Sure.
that we're in the
middle of a conversation?
- Fine, I'll watch upstairs.
- No, wait!
- No, do not watch it without us, no.
- Don't watch it without us.
This is your cousin, she wants to know
why you haven't texted her.
My phone is off.
- Well, turn your phone on and
- Okay.
- and text her back, Don!
- All right.
- God!
- Hey.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't be so mean to Don.
Do you know how many
times I've asked him
not to turn his phone off?
He's completely incapable.
It's driving me nuts.
Well, that's what you're here for.
- You got to take care of him.
- Yeah, no kidding.
I I haven't shown you
the photos from Egypt.
Oh, no, you haven't,
but I've heard a lot
about the Gizan air, so I can really
picture it very vividly, honestly.
- Sure.
- I'm just drained right now.
That's fine, you know what,
I'm gonna go ahead and say good night.
Oh, that's great.
SportsCenter is on right now.
- This is perfect timing, Mama.
- Perfect.
I love you. I'll see you in the morning.
Real funny, Mama come
back here and kiss me
good night on my cheek, come on.
- Never.
- Are you out of your mind? Yeah, right in the middle.
- Okay, that wasn't right in the middle.
- That was
I need you to focus. It
was a little off-center.
I'd like it right in the middle.
- Thanks, Mama.
- You're welcome.
- I love you.
- I love you.
David, you're open.
- Huh?
- You're open. You're
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Okay, I didn't see much.
- Do people buy belts?
- No.
I know I'm here for hoodies,
but, like, maybe I need a belt.
No, you don't. You
have a great selection.
Just pick something, don't
obsess. Dad'll pay for it.
- Okay, you're leaving?
- I Yes.
- I've got stuff to do.
- Be safe! Be safe! Be safe!
All right. Don, text
me when you're done.
- Okay.
- Don't die.
So this is why you retire, am I right?
I don't know how you gave it up, Big D.
Wasn't it, like, your dream
to be a lawyer forever?
Well, I just wanted to be happy.
I never cared how I got there.
You know, when you think about
it, my legacy is your legacy.
At the end of the day,
my success is yours.
So, like, we're gonna be covered,
- I hope you know that.
- Yeah, okay.
You are the cutest man in the world.
Thanks.
You look like a turtle without its shell
- and I marvel at your physical grace.
- I like turtles.
Hey there, can I help you find anything?
Oh, hi, I'm sorry, what?
You know, we're actually doing
free makeovers if you're interested.
Oh, I'm not, I don't think
I'm gonna buy anything.
Oh, it's okay. It'll
only take a few minutes.
- And it is free.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
- Ah okay.
- Okay.
You think I can pull this off?
Oh, yeah, smoky eye, red lip
I mean, it's a classic look.
All right, thank you so
much. I'll think about it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, okay.
Jesus Christ, Don.
Whoa!
- Wow.
- Are you all right?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Do
- Your call
- has been forwarded to an automated
- Fuck.
Are you fucking kidding me?
So I just swipe it?
- Oh, it's a chip.
- A what?
- A chip?
- A chip.
- Insert, insert, put it in.
- What do you mean, a
- See, that side goes in there.
- What? Is this something new?
- You've never seen this before?
- Don! Don!
What is the use of having a
phone if you never turn it on?!
What happened to your face?
I gave you my old phone,
I still can't reach you!
- Turn on your fucking phone!
- All right.
- I'll do it, all right.
- It's too late, I'm leaving.
If you guys want to come
with, fine, if not, Uber.
- I'll do this, uh
- It's on now, okay?
Okay, what is the return policy on this?
- 900 days with a receipt.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Just think back to when you
guys met for the first time.
Or can I put some music on, maybe?
Don't change the settings.
Please don't mess with it.
It's undeniable ♪
Yeah, mm ♪
One, you're like a dream come true ♪
Two ♪
Just wanna be with you ♪
Three, girl, it's plain to see ♪
That you're the only one for me ♪
- David, please, I have a headache.
- And four ♪
Mama?
Mama?
- Mama
- Oh, God!
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean
- David, what are you doing?
- I'm sleeping.
- I know, but naptime's over.
And you got to wake up. I
got a surprise for you, Mama.
- What are you talking about?
- You'll see,
- if you just get up, come on.
- Oh, honey
My dear, sweet mama, I
will be taking care of you.
- Close your eyes, by the way.
- What? No, no, no.
- Is No. David, is this a punk?
- Mm-hmm, yep.
Am I a punk?
I think you don't understand
that phrase, but
- Come on, Mama.
- Oh, my God, David, what did you do?
- You're about to find out.
- Oh, God.
- You ready?
- I don't know.
Voilà, company chicken
and company noodles.
I don't What ? What
is, what is this about?
Please, come on. What is this about?
It's about you and Don's
love and tapping back into it.
Come on, it's a romantic dinner.
You know, I was listening to my
tapes and I saw him making it,
but I'm probably just
as surprised as you are.
- A little bit of wine.
- Very elegant.
Yeah, learned it from the best.
- I'm gonna put the fireplace on.
- He's just trying to create a romantic
- I know what he's trying to do,
- dinner.
but I was sleeping
Oh, my God. You have sauce all over you.
- Wipe that off.
- All right, all right.
Well, you know, why do you throw things
at me like that?
- Does that feel good?
- I was trying to help.
Guys, I'm not watching you guys
bicker anymore.
David, we've been married for
30 years. It's normal, okay?
Well, when you do it in front of me,
- it makes me sad.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Grow up. You're almost 30 years old.
Stop being so selfish.
What are you talking
How am I being selfish
if I just made you your favorite dinner?
- I don't understand.
- My my favorite dinner?
- Yeah, company chicken,
- Company chicken?
- and I spent so much time.
- I don't
I don't like company chicken, David.
- You make it every single time company comes over.
- I make it for you
because you love it. I
make it for you, not me.
Well, how am I supposed to know that?
You sit there and you eat it every time.
And I still am failing to realize
how me making you a whole
meal is me being selfish.
- Explain that.
- Oh, my God, David!
You just woke me up.
You brought me down
here and did all of this.
That was not for me. That was for you.
- It was for you guys.
- That was
David, that was for you, because
you wanted to feel better.
I wanted to show you
pictures from Egypt,
but you weren't interested.
- Oh, my God. Egypt?
- You had other things to do.
You came down late for
dinner. I asked you
- I was 90 seconds late!
- You wanted to take a shower,
- Jesus Christ!
- so you were late.
Everything's a fucking issue with you!
- David, that's enough.
- No, Dad. Like, she's always riding you.
It's, like, nonstop with her.
I said enough! Okay? Sit down.
Okay.
Don't talk to your mother like that.
You you have no idea
what she does for us.
Between moving to a new city
and taking on new clients,
my depression and you
staying here with us,
uh, you have no idea, David. None.
Whoa, whoa. What do you
mean, your depression?
- Oh.
- What does that mean?
Well, it's it's Well, sometime
Your father has depression, David.
Since when?
Forever.
Look, my mother was depressed, too,
so maybe it's hereditary,
I don't know. But
- but
- This is
Why would you never tell me this?
You never asked.
Well, what?
Dave
Wh Why is he crying?
David, what is it?
David?
Come on.
I don't even know anything about you.
I I don't even know,
like, what you think about,
or what your favorite colors are, or
I know nothing. I'm a bad son.
- No.
- Yes, I am.
How could you argue with
that? What do you mean?
I don't even know he's
depressed. He's my dad.
I think your favorite
food is my favorite food.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I feel like if you guys died,
I wouldn't even know what
to say at your funeral.
Oh
Uh, we're not we're not gonna
- We're not gonna die.
- You can't die.
We're not dying, David.
Mine's tan.
What?
My favorite color.
It's tan.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
It's tan.
You're the only person
in the, in the world
whose favorite color is tan.
Well, then, I'm very special.
- Like you are.
- Well, I agree, you are special,
and I'll paint my whole abdomen tan.
I'll do anything you want.
And I love you so much.
I love you, too, David.
Can I have a bite of the chicken?
"Making mud pies, 007?"
Thank you.
You really do that so well.
Ha! Getting better.
Come sit down.
Do you want a drink?
- Um
- Oh, Accutane.
No, but I can have I can have one.
- You can have one.
- I haven't had one in so long.
- You can have one, right?
- Pour it on.
- It's Bachelor night. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go.
I'm actually very excited to see
what's going on with Chloe's journey.
Because she's just so mysterious,
I don't know what's going on with her.
- Yeah.
- You know, she's such an enema.
An enema?
- Uh, enigma?
- Enigma.
- Yeah.
- Enigma.
I think an enema is, like,
a catheter for your ass.
Enigma, enigma, enigma, enigma.
- Enigma. God.
- I hate that that fucking thing
makes me laugh every time,
- but it it really does.
- I am the Chris Farley of my school.
I know.
- Okay.
- Uh, hey.
Before this, can I play you a song?
You play me a song?
- Yeah, I have this thing, um
- Yeah.
Uh, like, I showed it to Mike earlier,
- and he really liked it, and I, uh
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Here. Yep. There.
- Those are for the ears.
- Okay.
- Um..
- Fancy.
And, uh, there's a l
like, a lot I want to
say about it to you
- Okay.
- that I will say after you listen.
Okay.
- Ready?
- Yes.
Okay.
Ooh, I like the music.
I fucked the whole thing up ♪
And there you are.
- I did it all backwards ♪
- Yep.
Now I'm all alone with my rap verse ♪
I could barely share a password ♪
I said we'd dance, I left you there ♪
Oh, I left me there, too ♪
You had my back, I puked on you ♪
I chased my dream so much it ran ♪
I can't make jokes without
your laugh, it seems ♪
I'd do anything to melt you ♪
I took you for granted ♪
I'll give you belly rubs, too ♪
Did you like the rabbit? ♪
It's killing me to kill you ♪
And you were the magic, but
I fucked the whole thing up ♪
I did it all backwards ♪
Not I'm all alone with my rap verse ♪
You were the best at my worst ♪
And I miss you, Ally ♪
Hoot-hoot ♪
Dave, I
I I've just been thinking a lot
No, Dave, I'm
I spent a lot of time and a lot of work
to get over us.
And I've moved on.
And you're back in my
life, and we're friends.
And I don't want to
lose that, either, but
I'm
I can't.
No.
It's just a song.
This wasn't
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
It's I should've, uh clarified.
- No, you said you
- I know. Ah
- wanted to talk, and it's
- Yeah.
I didn't I Sorry.
So, like, I obviously
tapped into, like, feelings
and, you know, of wanting
to be back with your ex.
- Right.
- Right. Sorry. Uh
And I just know that
I haven't always taken
your feelings into account,
like, for our whole,
your know, in terms of my music.
So I just wanted you
to hear that, and, um
That's all. 'Cause I want
to put it on my album,
and I didn't want you to be blindsided.
And I wanted your
So, that's all that
was. I'm sorry for the
No. I'm sorry.
- And thank you.
- Okay. Sure.
I will say, if I'm being honest,
I'm not ready for
everyone to hear this song.
I'm sorry.
I know you worked really
hard on it, and it is good.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Why?
There's a lot of personal
stuff in here, Dave.
- That's music. That's like
- And there's a lot of things about me.
And people know that you and I dated.
- It's, like, a privacy thing, and
- People? Who?
What people? Like, the
15 friends that we
- I don't understand.
- I don't need your Instagram fans
having more of a reason
to harass me also, and
Instagram? You're
worried about Instagram?
I'm sorry, but it's so
hard for me to make music.
I finally have something that I like,
and you're not allowing me
to do it because of Instagram?
- That's like
- So
you're taking my feelings into account,
unless you don't have my permission?
- I'm ju Like.
- And then you're gonna do whatever.
If if art couldn't tap
into, like, personal feelings
and, like, nuanced emotions
about, like, past experiences,
like, there wouldn't be art, you know?
Don't you know what I'm saying?
I don't know.
I mean, we can talk about
it more, or not, it's just
Whatever.
Let's just watch the show.
I'm just gonna go.