Dharma & Greg s02e08 Episode Script
Like, Dharma's Totally Got a Date
- How's it going in there? - Hey.
Everybody's getting aong great.
- How you doing? - Well, actually the rain let up so these buns should have a little bit more fight to them.
Hurry up.
Larry's gonna sing his song.
Song? What song? My dad wrote a special song for your parents.
You think that's a good idea? T's just a song, Greg.
A song never hurt anybody.
You know, I really think you guys are okay.
So I wrote a little song about it.
T's caed, "Hey, You Guys Are Okay.
" - Mother? - Kitty, are you all right? Oh, oh, 've 've hurt mysef.
- Where? - Well, my My sit-upon.
- Your what? - She means her caboose.
- Oh, sit-upon.
- Yes, yes.
Greg, go get some ice for your mother's ass.
Okay.
Why don't we tak about the good things that happened last night? Oh, Greg, it's just a bruised taibone.
She' be back on her ass in no time.
Get it? ' Get it.
- Hi, Dharma.
- Hey, Donad, what's up? Hi.
'm seing chocoate bars to raise money for my homecoming dance.
I like your toenail polish.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
I was trying for a rainbow.
Yeah, you got the indigo and violet backwards.
RO YGBIV.
'M sorry? Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.
T's mnemonic.
Got a bunch of them.
Oh, like X YZ? - What? - Got you.
That's a good one.
Actually, just for the record, examine your zipper, it should be EYZ.
Did you know the S in Harry S.
Truman didn't stand for anything? - Hey, do I wanna buy some chocolate? That's it, Dharma.
'M a peace-oving man, but you have to say, "He, no.
" Is that chocolate? - Yeah.
You wanna buy some? - Depends.
What do you got? I got milk chocolate.
I got dark chocolate Larry, Larry, Larry.
Hell, no, what, Larry? Oh, yeah.
Your mother-in-law is suing me.
Oh, Donald, can we do this later? - Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, hold on.
Don't te my od ady 'm eating white sugar.
- Don't know your od ady.
- Good.
That's very good.
- Hey, Larry, what's going on? - You know, 'm a peace-oving man but there are times when you have to say, "No" - Oh, almonds? I hate almonds.
- Eat around them, Larry.
- Your mother is suing my father.
- What? Oh, don't beieve this.
Oh, a raisin? What the hell is going on? Dad, you cannot let Mother sue my father-in-law.
She wanted to have him sent to a Turkish prison but no one from the embassy would return her calls.
One and a half million dollars for a bruised tailbone? And emotional distress.
- Mother.
- He has to learn.
Dad, surey she reaizes they don't have anywhere near that kind of money.
She knows that.
She's hoping they' be desperate they' do something that will land them in a Turkish prison.
What if I got Larry to apologize? - It would have to be a written apology.
- Fine.
On a postcard from a Turkish prison.
Here's your receipt.
- Remember, it's tax deductibe.
- Okay.
Schedule A.
Got it.
So who are you going to the dance with? Don't think 'm gonna go.
You're raising money for a dance and you're not even going? The person I really wanna go with, don't think she'd go with me.
- We, why don't you ask her? - How? Just say, " think you're reay wonderfu.
Woud you go to the dance with me?" Think you're reay wonderfu.
Would you go to the dance with me? See? That's good.
Just ike that.
Well, will you? - Who, me? Oh, you're asking me? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Sure.
- Really? Yeah, but just as friends because 'm married.
That's definitey how meant it.
So it's Saturday at 7.
Cool.
Pick me up at 8.
Okay.
Why? To make an entrance, son.
Right, but at the dance, coud you not ca me "son"? - Hi.
- Hey.
Hey, Donad, what's up? I just wanna say that I completely respect your marriage vows.
Bye.
- Good to know.
- So how'd it go at your parents? Well, I talked them out of going to court.
Oh, good, honey, thanks.
Knew they'd isten to you.
Your father has a choice.
Either submit to binding arbitration or repace my mother's infatabe butt doughnut with one of his lungs.
Woudn't give him a choice.
- We' have the hearing on Saturday.
- Oh, no, Greg, Saturday's no good.
Donald just invited me to the big homecoming dance.
I hope you said yes because my ife isn't weird enough.
Come on, Greg, he's ony 16 years od and he's reay awkward with girs.
How's it gonna hep him to wak into a dance with a tall blond? Never mind.
Plus I was home-schooled.
You know, I never got to go to one of these things.
T' be fun.
Far be it for me to let our marriage get in the way of your dating.
Hey, what's going on? My wife's going to the dance with Donald.
Coo.
Tod him you'd say yes.
Oh, my God, I, like, so totally need a dress.
Oh, my God.
I, like, so totally need a hot dog on a stick.
Mall crawl.
All right, all right.
Let me guess.
You're You're 16-year-od girs going to the mall.
Hi.
There's, ike, this big homecoming dance at Bayside and I was wondering if you had, like, any dresses that, ike, weren't ame, but that were, like, totally awesome.
And this would be for your Body.
She always gets to go to the dance.
I never do.
That's because you always put out too fast.
That's why your mom put you in Catholic school.
Why don't see if can find anything that might work for you.
Zippers, not buttons.
He's not, ike, a rocket scientist.
Hey, do you guys, like, go to Bayside? Yeah.
Are you going to the homecoming dance too? What do you, like, mean too? What do you, like, mean "What do you, ike, mean?" Just so happens that Donald Ridgely asked me.
- Donald Ridgely asked you? - He came over to my house.
He's ike, "There's this big dance.
" Was, "Serious?" And then she came over to my house, and she told me how he was all, "There's this big dance.
" And she was a, "Are you serious?" You're going to the dance with Donad "Dork"? Dork? Not.
Have you seen his tattoo? Donald Ridgely has a tattoo? He got it in juvie.
When did he go to juvie? Remember last year when everyone thought he was out with pinkeye.
Well, how are you guys getting there? Like, if we get there.
He is so hot.
If you want, we have room for two more in our limo.
We, ike, 'm gonna have to, like, talk to Donald about that because don't think that he, like, hangs out with kids his own age.
She's right.
No one at school hangs out with him.
He is so cool.
Back off.
He's mine.
I went out with him first.
But you coudn't keep him, now could you? You wanna take this outside? No, et's take it right here.
- Girl fight! - Girl fight! All those with business in front of the Hon.
Peter James Cavanaugh, please rise.
You may be seated.
I object to Pete as the arbitrator.
Fine.
Then hire an arbitrator for $500 an hour.
Withdrawn.
A right.
We're here in the matter of Montgomery v.
Finkelstein.
Does the counsel for the plaintiff have an opening statement? - Gregory? - 'M not representing you.
We, you're wecome for aw schoo.
Plaintiff waives opening statement.
That's what they taught you in law school? Excuse me, Mother, Dharma's date is here.
Hi, Donald.
Nice tuxedo.
Actually, this particular garment is known as an evening suit.
They came to be known as tuxedos due to the supper clubs in Tuxedo Park, New York.
Dharma, Donad's here.
- Your wife is going on a date? - Yeah, they're going as friends.
And if you ike, he's got a deightfu itte story about the word "patonic.
" T's derived from Pato.
But if you asked me for the story, well, that would be Socratic.
Yeah, wow.
Thanks.
Hey, bitchen evening suit, Donald.
Is that for me? Hey, why don't just take it? ' Be right back.
Breathe.
This is a cool thing to do for Donald, and I want you to know I feel lucky to have a husband who understands.
We, you don't, but have fun.
Excuse me, Mr.
Montgomery, do you mind? Don't want to see that on the nternet.
No, sir.
- Good night, everybody.
- Night-night.
- Have fun.
- We will.
Thank you.
Well, he seems like a nice boy.
Hey, Greg, can I take your wife to my cousin's wedding? Probably.
Alrighty then.
Mr.
Finkelstein, do you have an opening statement? Thank you.
' make it brief.
In 1787, our founding fathers drafted a little document we ca "The Constitution.
" 'D ike to read that document into the record.
"We the peope" We can go home now.
- Hey, Donald, you know what? - What? This is great! - High school rocks.
- Yeah.
That's because the wresting team never made you eat a urinal cake.
You had to eat a urinal cake? At Mariyn Manson's birthday party? You are so cool.
We should probably sit down.
No, no, no, no.
Let's dance.
Dharma, I just wanna say that this is the greatest night of my life.
And don't just mean up unti now.
I mean, like way after now too.
Oh, no, Donad, don't say that.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
There's gonna be ots of dances and lots of girls.
Think you're overooking one thing.
'M a geek.
You are doing fine.
Brittany and Dakota coudn't take their eyes off of you in the limo.
Because I was with you.
They woudn't have ooked at me.
Well, not if you barf information on them all the time, Donald.
Brittany, you're named after a southern coastal region in France whose residence is to be regarded as a separate country.
What was I supposed to say? Don't know, but you could try listening.
But they're so boring.
Well, then why do you want to be friends with them? Because they're the coo peope.
Okay.
Let's just dance for a second.
I have to think.
- Which is an idea also found here in the Magna Carta.
- I object.
- On what grounds? On the grounds that you scared my mother she fell down, went boom.
End of story.
Why are you making this complicated? Your Honor, that's not an objection, that's a speech.
That's quite right, Mr.
Finkestein.
Objection overruled.
Permission to approach the bench.
- For what purpose? - To kill you.
Denied.
- Continue, Mr.
Finkelstein.
- To continue Aren't you gonna isten to your husband's speech? I heard him give this speech last month in traffic court.
How'd it work? Well, the judge gave him $20 out of his own pocket just to shut up.
- You want a taste? - No, 'm not much of a drinker.
Abby, could you get the overhead projector out of the van? T's by the door, Larry.
Hit me.
Harder.
- Donald.
Guess what? - What? Brittany's date drank a load of Jäger and now he's yakking his guts up in the dumpster.
Oh, my God, he's so coo.
Okay, but more importantly, I think Brittany needs somebody to dance with.
But 'm with you.
And 'm having a great time but now is your chance to be with someone who's your own age and, you know, not married.
What if she laughs at me? So she laughs.
But what if she says yes? You have to try, Donald.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- What do I say? - Okay.
Te her that you're very sorry her date got sick and would she like to dance.
And under no circumstances explain how alcohol causes vomiting.
Actuay, it doesn't.
Alcohol causes gastritis.
- Gastritis causes - Go.
Go.
Are you a hooker? No.
Told you.
Hey, you wanna dance? Sure.
Have you ever danced with a man before? Before I rule on the liability, there's the matter of the damages.
Hey, hey, hey, this tea is okay.
Steady, or they' take it away.
See, 'm a itte confused here.
The doctor bills add up to $450.
How did you arrive at the figure of one and a half million? Emotional distress.
- What kind of emotional distress? - I would rather not go into it.
- Mother, you have to go into it.
- Fine.
Shortly after the accident, I went to a fundraiser.
I had to sit next to the mayor on this.
That's worth a miion and a haf bucks? Here comes the good part.
Apparenty, it wasn't seaed propery and when I sat down, it made a Sound.
What kind of sound? What? Don't get it.
All right.
That is enough.
That is quite enough.
You two are drunk and disgraceful.
- Hello, drunk.
- Hi, disgraceful.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Would the plaintiff please demonstrate for the court how the alleged sound was allegedly made? - I most certainly will not.
- Your Honor? The witness will comply under the "This gotta see" rue.
Oh, this is preposterous.
Well? Well, maybe I shifted my My weight.
It was a different kind of chair.
Or a different kind of lunch.
What are you suggesting? Your Honor, who amongst us has not blamed the dog.
I blame you.
I blame you.
- Sorry.
I got here as soon as I could.
- Thanks.
So you got dumped at the big dance, huh? Yeah, I mean, 'm gad he hooked up with Brittany but they all got in the limo and went to IHOP, and left me here.
High school sucks.
- We, you don't have to go anymore.
- Thanks.
How'd the tria go? Larry's countersuing my mother for assault and battery.
Oh, no.
$ 1.
7 billion.
- Wanna dance? - Love to.
Got a date for the prom yet? Are you asking? I guess so.
Sorry, but Andy Snyder already asked me.
Oh, bummer.
But ' et you ook down my shirt ater.
Cool.
Everybody's getting aong great.
- How you doing? - Well, actually the rain let up so these buns should have a little bit more fight to them.
Hurry up.
Larry's gonna sing his song.
Song? What song? My dad wrote a special song for your parents.
You think that's a good idea? T's just a song, Greg.
A song never hurt anybody.
You know, I really think you guys are okay.
So I wrote a little song about it.
T's caed, "Hey, You Guys Are Okay.
" - Mother? - Kitty, are you all right? Oh, oh, 've 've hurt mysef.
- Where? - Well, my My sit-upon.
- Your what? - She means her caboose.
- Oh, sit-upon.
- Yes, yes.
Greg, go get some ice for your mother's ass.
Okay.
Why don't we tak about the good things that happened last night? Oh, Greg, it's just a bruised taibone.
She' be back on her ass in no time.
Get it? ' Get it.
- Hi, Dharma.
- Hey, Donad, what's up? Hi.
'm seing chocoate bars to raise money for my homecoming dance.
I like your toenail polish.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
I was trying for a rainbow.
Yeah, you got the indigo and violet backwards.
RO YGBIV.
'M sorry? Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.
T's mnemonic.
Got a bunch of them.
Oh, like X YZ? - What? - Got you.
That's a good one.
Actually, just for the record, examine your zipper, it should be EYZ.
Did you know the S in Harry S.
Truman didn't stand for anything? - Hey, do I wanna buy some chocolate? That's it, Dharma.
'M a peace-oving man, but you have to say, "He, no.
" Is that chocolate? - Yeah.
You wanna buy some? - Depends.
What do you got? I got milk chocolate.
I got dark chocolate Larry, Larry, Larry.
Hell, no, what, Larry? Oh, yeah.
Your mother-in-law is suing me.
Oh, Donald, can we do this later? - Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, hold on.
Don't te my od ady 'm eating white sugar.
- Don't know your od ady.
- Good.
That's very good.
- Hey, Larry, what's going on? - You know, 'm a peace-oving man but there are times when you have to say, "No" - Oh, almonds? I hate almonds.
- Eat around them, Larry.
- Your mother is suing my father.
- What? Oh, don't beieve this.
Oh, a raisin? What the hell is going on? Dad, you cannot let Mother sue my father-in-law.
She wanted to have him sent to a Turkish prison but no one from the embassy would return her calls.
One and a half million dollars for a bruised tailbone? And emotional distress.
- Mother.
- He has to learn.
Dad, surey she reaizes they don't have anywhere near that kind of money.
She knows that.
She's hoping they' be desperate they' do something that will land them in a Turkish prison.
What if I got Larry to apologize? - It would have to be a written apology.
- Fine.
On a postcard from a Turkish prison.
Here's your receipt.
- Remember, it's tax deductibe.
- Okay.
Schedule A.
Got it.
So who are you going to the dance with? Don't think 'm gonna go.
You're raising money for a dance and you're not even going? The person I really wanna go with, don't think she'd go with me.
- We, why don't you ask her? - How? Just say, " think you're reay wonderfu.
Woud you go to the dance with me?" Think you're reay wonderfu.
Would you go to the dance with me? See? That's good.
Just ike that.
Well, will you? - Who, me? Oh, you're asking me? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Sure.
- Really? Yeah, but just as friends because 'm married.
That's definitey how meant it.
So it's Saturday at 7.
Cool.
Pick me up at 8.
Okay.
Why? To make an entrance, son.
Right, but at the dance, coud you not ca me "son"? - Hi.
- Hey.
Hey, Donad, what's up? I just wanna say that I completely respect your marriage vows.
Bye.
- Good to know.
- So how'd it go at your parents? Well, I talked them out of going to court.
Oh, good, honey, thanks.
Knew they'd isten to you.
Your father has a choice.
Either submit to binding arbitration or repace my mother's infatabe butt doughnut with one of his lungs.
Woudn't give him a choice.
- We' have the hearing on Saturday.
- Oh, no, Greg, Saturday's no good.
Donald just invited me to the big homecoming dance.
I hope you said yes because my ife isn't weird enough.
Come on, Greg, he's ony 16 years od and he's reay awkward with girs.
How's it gonna hep him to wak into a dance with a tall blond? Never mind.
Plus I was home-schooled.
You know, I never got to go to one of these things.
T' be fun.
Far be it for me to let our marriage get in the way of your dating.
Hey, what's going on? My wife's going to the dance with Donald.
Coo.
Tod him you'd say yes.
Oh, my God, I, like, so totally need a dress.
Oh, my God.
I, like, so totally need a hot dog on a stick.
Mall crawl.
All right, all right.
Let me guess.
You're You're 16-year-od girs going to the mall.
Hi.
There's, ike, this big homecoming dance at Bayside and I was wondering if you had, like, any dresses that, ike, weren't ame, but that were, like, totally awesome.
And this would be for your Body.
She always gets to go to the dance.
I never do.
That's because you always put out too fast.
That's why your mom put you in Catholic school.
Why don't see if can find anything that might work for you.
Zippers, not buttons.
He's not, ike, a rocket scientist.
Hey, do you guys, like, go to Bayside? Yeah.
Are you going to the homecoming dance too? What do you, like, mean too? What do you, like, mean "What do you, ike, mean?" Just so happens that Donald Ridgely asked me.
- Donald Ridgely asked you? - He came over to my house.
He's ike, "There's this big dance.
" Was, "Serious?" And then she came over to my house, and she told me how he was all, "There's this big dance.
" And she was a, "Are you serious?" You're going to the dance with Donad "Dork"? Dork? Not.
Have you seen his tattoo? Donald Ridgely has a tattoo? He got it in juvie.
When did he go to juvie? Remember last year when everyone thought he was out with pinkeye.
Well, how are you guys getting there? Like, if we get there.
He is so hot.
If you want, we have room for two more in our limo.
We, ike, 'm gonna have to, like, talk to Donald about that because don't think that he, like, hangs out with kids his own age.
She's right.
No one at school hangs out with him.
He is so cool.
Back off.
He's mine.
I went out with him first.
But you coudn't keep him, now could you? You wanna take this outside? No, et's take it right here.
- Girl fight! - Girl fight! All those with business in front of the Hon.
Peter James Cavanaugh, please rise.
You may be seated.
I object to Pete as the arbitrator.
Fine.
Then hire an arbitrator for $500 an hour.
Withdrawn.
A right.
We're here in the matter of Montgomery v.
Finkelstein.
Does the counsel for the plaintiff have an opening statement? - Gregory? - 'M not representing you.
We, you're wecome for aw schoo.
Plaintiff waives opening statement.
That's what they taught you in law school? Excuse me, Mother, Dharma's date is here.
Hi, Donald.
Nice tuxedo.
Actually, this particular garment is known as an evening suit.
They came to be known as tuxedos due to the supper clubs in Tuxedo Park, New York.
Dharma, Donad's here.
- Your wife is going on a date? - Yeah, they're going as friends.
And if you ike, he's got a deightfu itte story about the word "patonic.
" T's derived from Pato.
But if you asked me for the story, well, that would be Socratic.
Yeah, wow.
Thanks.
Hey, bitchen evening suit, Donald.
Is that for me? Hey, why don't just take it? ' Be right back.
Breathe.
This is a cool thing to do for Donald, and I want you to know I feel lucky to have a husband who understands.
We, you don't, but have fun.
Excuse me, Mr.
Montgomery, do you mind? Don't want to see that on the nternet.
No, sir.
- Good night, everybody.
- Night-night.
- Have fun.
- We will.
Thank you.
Well, he seems like a nice boy.
Hey, Greg, can I take your wife to my cousin's wedding? Probably.
Alrighty then.
Mr.
Finkelstein, do you have an opening statement? Thank you.
' make it brief.
In 1787, our founding fathers drafted a little document we ca "The Constitution.
" 'D ike to read that document into the record.
"We the peope" We can go home now.
- Hey, Donald, you know what? - What? This is great! - High school rocks.
- Yeah.
That's because the wresting team never made you eat a urinal cake.
You had to eat a urinal cake? At Mariyn Manson's birthday party? You are so cool.
We should probably sit down.
No, no, no, no.
Let's dance.
Dharma, I just wanna say that this is the greatest night of my life.
And don't just mean up unti now.
I mean, like way after now too.
Oh, no, Donad, don't say that.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
There's gonna be ots of dances and lots of girls.
Think you're overooking one thing.
'M a geek.
You are doing fine.
Brittany and Dakota coudn't take their eyes off of you in the limo.
Because I was with you.
They woudn't have ooked at me.
Well, not if you barf information on them all the time, Donald.
Brittany, you're named after a southern coastal region in France whose residence is to be regarded as a separate country.
What was I supposed to say? Don't know, but you could try listening.
But they're so boring.
Well, then why do you want to be friends with them? Because they're the coo peope.
Okay.
Let's just dance for a second.
I have to think.
- Which is an idea also found here in the Magna Carta.
- I object.
- On what grounds? On the grounds that you scared my mother she fell down, went boom.
End of story.
Why are you making this complicated? Your Honor, that's not an objection, that's a speech.
That's quite right, Mr.
Finkestein.
Objection overruled.
Permission to approach the bench.
- For what purpose? - To kill you.
Denied.
- Continue, Mr.
Finkelstein.
- To continue Aren't you gonna isten to your husband's speech? I heard him give this speech last month in traffic court.
How'd it work? Well, the judge gave him $20 out of his own pocket just to shut up.
- You want a taste? - No, 'm not much of a drinker.
Abby, could you get the overhead projector out of the van? T's by the door, Larry.
Hit me.
Harder.
- Donald.
Guess what? - What? Brittany's date drank a load of Jäger and now he's yakking his guts up in the dumpster.
Oh, my God, he's so coo.
Okay, but more importantly, I think Brittany needs somebody to dance with.
But 'm with you.
And 'm having a great time but now is your chance to be with someone who's your own age and, you know, not married.
What if she laughs at me? So she laughs.
But what if she says yes? You have to try, Donald.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- What do I say? - Okay.
Te her that you're very sorry her date got sick and would she like to dance.
And under no circumstances explain how alcohol causes vomiting.
Actuay, it doesn't.
Alcohol causes gastritis.
- Gastritis causes - Go.
Go.
Are you a hooker? No.
Told you.
Hey, you wanna dance? Sure.
Have you ever danced with a man before? Before I rule on the liability, there's the matter of the damages.
Hey, hey, hey, this tea is okay.
Steady, or they' take it away.
See, 'm a itte confused here.
The doctor bills add up to $450.
How did you arrive at the figure of one and a half million? Emotional distress.
- What kind of emotional distress? - I would rather not go into it.
- Mother, you have to go into it.
- Fine.
Shortly after the accident, I went to a fundraiser.
I had to sit next to the mayor on this.
That's worth a miion and a haf bucks? Here comes the good part.
Apparenty, it wasn't seaed propery and when I sat down, it made a Sound.
What kind of sound? What? Don't get it.
All right.
That is enough.
That is quite enough.
You two are drunk and disgraceful.
- Hello, drunk.
- Hi, disgraceful.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Would the plaintiff please demonstrate for the court how the alleged sound was allegedly made? - I most certainly will not.
- Your Honor? The witness will comply under the "This gotta see" rue.
Oh, this is preposterous.
Well? Well, maybe I shifted my My weight.
It was a different kind of chair.
Or a different kind of lunch.
What are you suggesting? Your Honor, who amongst us has not blamed the dog.
I blame you.
I blame you.
- Sorry.
I got here as soon as I could.
- Thanks.
So you got dumped at the big dance, huh? Yeah, I mean, 'm gad he hooked up with Brittany but they all got in the limo and went to IHOP, and left me here.
High school sucks.
- We, you don't have to go anymore.
- Thanks.
How'd the tria go? Larry's countersuing my mother for assault and battery.
Oh, no.
$ 1.
7 billion.
- Wanna dance? - Love to.
Got a date for the prom yet? Are you asking? I guess so.
Sorry, but Andy Snyder already asked me.
Oh, bummer.
But ' et you ook down my shirt ater.
Cool.