Dicktown (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

1 You are a lost child.
But I have found you.
I am Dr.
Marjorie Frost, tenured professor.
Are you ready to grow up? Good.
Wait, that is the dumbest tattoo I've ever seen.
Who gets a back tattoo on the front of their body? Uh, you need to move.
This is my booth.
Uh, this is not your booth.
This is my booth.
Uh, you didn't even eat here until - you asked me to work for you, so - I did not ask you to work for me, David.
You glommed on to me.
No, you asked me.
If I recall, it went like this: Oh well David, can you please work for me at my detective agency? I'm too stupid to drive a car, and I'm too scared to stand up to the bad guys.
David, okay, I'm trying to enjoy my three-mushroom omelet.
So please leave me alone.
You know what? You leave me alone.
All right.
Okay, don't worry.
I'll be done soon.
In fact, my new partner's picking me up in a few minutes.
Oh, you got a new partner, huh? Good for you.
Yeah, he's a better driver than you are.
He's tougher than you.
And best of all, he's not a bully like you are.
- Ah! ow.
- Hey booger-eater, let's go.
Oh, do I have to wear this? What are you laughing at, perv? Lance.
You hired Lance! L-O-L! - Yo, asshole, I can spell.
- I can't wait to hear about all the mysteries you guys solve, like the mystery of the guy who fell off - the back of the motorcycle.
- And I can't wait to hear about all the amazing life goals you achieve once you finish turning into a pterodactyl.
Wanna know something? I actually moved out of my parents' basement, and I got a new place with a roommate who's my best friend.
And guess what, John.
- We talk about basketball.
- Ugh.
Yeah, it's sports.
It's something that non-weirdos discuss.
I've got a job interview later today, and next weekend, I'm going to see Dr.
Marjorie Frost in Charlotte.
I did it, John.
I got what I wanted, and I'm flying away with it.
Well, do you know what I have to say? - What? - Eff you! - Eff you! - Eff you! - Eff you! - "Fufu"? Best of luck with your new partner.
- You talkin' shit about me? - No.
No.
You ready? Hang on tight! - I'm holding you right partner.
- Hold me tighter! - Motorcycle! - Ah! Imagine having to work for someone you despise.
Well, time for my job interview.
I wonder who I'll be working for.
You got some nerve interviewing here.
You called the Department of Health on one of my restaurants, you snitch! - Okay, I can explain, Loafer.
- Loafer? More like "Mr.
Toeknuckle.
" Okay, that was my partner, Mr.
Toeknuckle, - my my ex-partner.
- Mhm.
So here you are, looking for work at the food company started by my great-grandfather and of which I am now the CEO of it.
My, my, how the tables have turned off.
- Uh - What? Um, I think it's just "how the tables have turned.
" Oh, buddy, you're applying for a job right now.
- Uh-huh.
- That's why you're sitting on the dinky stool and I make the hiring decisions.
That's why I'm sitting on the BJ throne.
So if I say it's "how the tables have turned off," you best believe that's what it is.
- Okay, okay, you're right.
- Say it.
Say "how the tables have turned off.
" How the tables have turned off.
"How the tables have turned off" is a normal phrase that everyone uses all the time.
Say it.
"How the tables have turned off" is a normal phrase that everyone uses all the time.
Oh, ho, ho! This is gonna be great! - You're hired, you damn idiot.
- What's the job? Boxing up snacks in the warehouse.
- Uh-huh.
- 3:00 a.
m.
shift, - minimal wage.
- Oh.
You get two bathroom breaks a month.
Use this for the other times.
Drug tests every week, and before you ask, cocaine is a drug.
Trust me on that one.
- And what kind of snacks is it? - Old family specialty.
- Here, eat one while I watch.
- Uh-huh.
What's it taste like? I've never had one.
Uh, like an onion ring, only tighter.
Welcome to the family.
My day begins in the dead of night I've lost all track of time But I still clock in to make my pay 'Cause I need every dime I'm a fried pork anus boxer just a-working on the line I deal with assholes every shift Even though I work alone Because my job is literally Boxing pig assholes for distribution To gas stations across central Carolina I'm a fried pork anus boxer I'm a-working on the line A fried pork anus boxer I'm a-working on the line Fuck my life Are you excited to see Dr.
Frost? Yeah, I've been waiting a long time for this.
Wait a minute.
You haven't found your inner pterodactyl? Oh, right.
I'm just a little tired.
I had a long week at work.
No disrespect, but your energy leaves much to be desired.
When's the last time you ate something other than meat? I don't know.
- Like, maybe, three weeks ago.
- Aha! The fruits and vegetables are probably still in your system.
- Here, slam a Frost Bite.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Thank you, man.
I need this.
- Spell the last name.
- Right.
- It's David Purefoy, P-U-R - Found you! Oh.
Looks like you have a balance due of $80.
Okay, I was wondering if there's, like, any - We can't make exceptions.
- Please.
I've had a rough week.
Oh, shit! It's her! It's her! It's her! It's her! It's her! Oh, that never gets old.
I just wanted to come out here before the program and meet some of my fans right here in Charleston.
Charleston? What? Are you ready to stop munching leaves - and start soaring free, Charleston? - Uh, Charlotte.
Excuse me? Oh, jeez.
Um, sorry.
Oh, that word.
Everyone, what is rule number six? Never apologize! Saying "sorry" is for sorry people! Right, okay.
It was my bad.
- I'm sorry that - What? - I mean, I regret - What? I mean, I wish that I hadn't - What?! - I can't even wish? Okay, please remind me what I'm allowed to do.
You're allowed to hunt, strive Build, succeed, exploit, win, soar.
- Right, okay.
- You interrupted me.
Fuck it.
You know what, Dr.
Marjorie Frost? I did interrupt you because you're in the biggest city in North Carolina.
This is the 15th-biggest city in the United States, with an incredible skyline.
So I would just ask that you show some respect because this is Charlotte Oh, ugh.
I think I ate too many dried-up, penis-shaped meat sticks.
- Yes, yes! - What? I knew there was a pterodactyl inside you.
- What's your name? - Uh, my name is David Purefoy.
What do you do for a living, David? I I am a fried pork anus boxer working on the line.
Well, today, you are also my assistant vice tenured professor - of self-pterodactology.
- Oh! Oh! You're gonna stand on stage with me.
- What do you think about that? - Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Your book has meant so Yeah, Laura will get you sorted out.
My, my, how the tables have turned off.
It's a normal phrase that everyone uses all the time, okay? Right.
Well, congratulations on being named an assistant vice tenured professor of self-pterodactology.
Thank you very much.
So, along with the balance due, - that'll just be another $2,500.
- What? No, no, no, no.
- I'm, like, a special person now.
- I know you are, but the fee for claiming your new status and joining Dr.
Frost on stage is just $2,500.
We take cryptocurrency, if that helps.
Man, I don't have any cryptocurrencies.
- I don't know what that is.
- Hi! I was just named An assistant vice tenured professor of self-pterodactology.
- May I give you my money? - Of course! $2,500.
- What? - Awesome.
- Is Dogecoin okay? - Absolutely.
- You know what, man? - Eff you.
Computer phone, what is Dr.
Marjorie Frost actually a doctor of? Marjorie Frost has a master's degree in paleontology, the study of prehistoric creatures that no longer exist and have no relevance to modern life.
Ugh, that tracks.
People who search for "Dr.
Marjorie Frost" also searched for "swindled," "ripped off," and "ashamed of myself.
" Strive, build, succeed, exploit, win, and soar! Soar! Soar! Soar! You're so fucking stupid! - Hey, roomie.
- Hey, Mr.
Hunchman.
You doing okay, son?