Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 [.]
[ARGUING.]
You sold the farm? You had no right! I'm done letting you ruin my life! We're not done here! Come back! [.]
The boys and I will stay here.
You should go to hell! No! What are you doing? Give me the phone! [SHATTERING.]
[.]
[BLOW LANDS.]
I'm sorry.
Mom! [.]
[.]
What we have here in the house is a pocket dimension, a geometrically impossible duplicate of the house that is accessed through a portal in the upstairs bedroom.
Right, a pocket dimension, um, and that is a small dimension Can I talk to Ken? Dimensional gateways are in line with the file.
You should be careful, it could be dangerous.
[ROARING, DISTORTED SONG OF PURPLE PEOPLE EATER.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, SILENCING SONG.]
Oh, I think I'll be okay.
I have not had any luck tracking down Brotzman or Project Icarus.
I think there's another portal in the house, but we haven't figured it out yet.
Any sign of Farah Black? No, she slipped away, but I don't think she's going very far.
Okay, keep your eyes open, and lock down the entire county.
We're reaching an inflection point, and some kind of convergence is probably coming soon.
Oh, Ken, you have a dirty mind.
I will do.
Thanks, Priest.
Keep me posted.
Or don't.
What are you guys talking about, dimensions? Like a hidden world inside the house.
There were references to something like it in the old file from the original Blackwing in the '60s.
Now, they never followed up after the government pulled funding from Project Paperclip, and canceled all of the top-secret programs.
Somebody dropped the ball back then, and 50 years later, looks like a touchdown on the half court for an interception.
Huh? I don't play sports.
What does any of that mean? "Project Paperclip"? You have got to read the files, man Stop telling me to read! - Can you chill? - No! No, this is argh! There is no way for a normal person to understand portals! Seven people have disappeared, from here, okay? They just vanished from right under our noses, one of them twice, and I know for sure that there are no stupid pockets in my, like, secure, like, underground, like, government facility! - Are you done? - Yes! No! Maybe, I don't know.
You guys are, like, talking about inflection points, and convergence, and I don't know what any of that means! [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
What do you know about Project Lamia? - [GUNSHOT.]
- [YELPS.]
[GUNFIRE BLASTING.]
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm armed! I'm a police officer! Tina? It's me! It's Farah! Gun down? Please? Where have you been? I ran into a little trouble, but I'll tell you about it.
Okay? If you put the gun down.
Suzie Boreton was magic.
She was like She was-she was like a witch.
She shot flying guillotine shapes out of a stick! - You saw that, right? - I did.
How? How did that happen? Okay, let's-let's put the gun down.
Sorry.
Everything is going nuts, Farah.
The prisoners are gone.
Like, gone! Like, they broke out! Cell phone, not working.
Internet, no.
Every time I listen to the police radio, it's just government broadcast emergency shit Slow down Okay? You're very heightened right now [BLUSTERING.]
The scissor sword thingie is missing from the evidence locker, and the chainsaw too! And there were dudes, scary dudes, scary military dudes at the hospital! Okay, relax.
Breathe.
[TAKING BREATHS.]
Okay.
That was Blackwing.
[GRUMBLING.]
I don't care who that was! We gotta get outta here They won't let us leave! Todd and Dirk are gone.
I think they went to Wendimoor.
[WHIMPERING IN TERROR.]
That means we have to stop Suzie Boreton.
We're going to go to her house, and we're going to arrest her.
You saw all the crap she did, right? She's a witch.
What are we gonna do against that? Without that wand, - she's just a human being.
- [SCOFFS.]
I know, it's gonna take a lot of firepower, but I think we can disarm her Disarm her! You're crazy! [SOFTLY.]
Farah? Where's Hobbs? This was all a joke, man.
I just took this job as a favor so I could hang out with him.
He's my best friend.
I'm not supposed to be here! We have to call someone, or-or something.
I mean, this is this is dangerous! Who's going to protect people? Who-who's going to help people? [GASPING.]
We have to call the police Tina! We are the police.
[BRANCH SNAPS.]
Gotcha! [YELPS IN ALARM.]
Oo ankmahead urtie, oo stupid Baboon! I'll give you this, you're very determined! [YELPING IN FEAR.]
A Kellum truck? [APPROACHING SCREECH.]
Ah! Sort that one out later.
Amanda! Psst! Amanda, hey Where are we? Some kind of town.
You passed out just before we got here.
I thought it was better to let you sleep.
Seriously? You're giving me the silent treatment? I know you're upset, and I'm sorry.
Really, I am.
I'm sorry that your that Wonzi was killed.
Wakti.
Her name was Wakti.
And Farson died too, along with like 20 other people, right in front of us.
I don't know what you've been doing, but I've never seen anyone die before.
I really just want you to not be here.
After I heard you scream on the phone, everything I've done, everything, has been to try to rescue you.
I don't know why I called you.
I was panicking.
I'm sorry I did that.
I didn't mean to make me your responsibility.
You're my sister.
And? I mean, what, you thought that you finding me would somehow make everything fine? We are still not okay, and now we've been captured by cartoon people in an alternate dimension.
What do you think has changed? I have pararibulitis.
What? I got my first attack the day you called for help, and it's been happening ever since.
Are you for real right now? I took it like a message.
It-it meant that I I couldn't give up, no matter what.
I just wanted to make things right with you.
I thought if I found Dirk, and I found you, then everything would I don't even know, work out? Get normal life back.
[LAUGHS.]
Why is that so funny? Look at where you are.
Didn't you say you came here through a bed? I mean, like, you were ranting at those guys a lot, but I'm pretty sure I heard you say "flying car," "purple people eater," and "love spell.
" What do you want to go back to working at the hotel? Todd, your normal life is over.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Why are we here? This is the only safe room in the facility.
Okay, so Project Lamia is a person, or an entity, called Mona Wilder.
She's a variable physical non-constant.
Like a a shape-shifter.
Yes.
But no.
It's more like she can become anything, but once she changes, she begins to forget who she was originally, and it takes a bit of a nudge to bring her back.
She's most comfortable as inanimate objects.
When they brought her in, she'd been a chair for six years.
Are you saying Okay what are you saying? - [CLICKS OPEN LAPTOP.]
- Watch this.
There it is.
See it? This is from the same night Dirk Gently disappeared.
That toy's eye color changed when it interacted with Dirk.
And again, eye color changes, right before Amanda Brotzman and Incubus 4 vanished.
You think Mona is the doll.
Yes.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah! Okay.
The book says control the pool, the kingdom, the whole world, will be mine.
You stupid things, show me how it works.
[TOOTING SADLY.]
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
Same way I do everything, I'll just do it mysel [SCREAMS.]
Ow! [BEEPING.]
Tingles.
[CACKLES WICKEDLY.]
[EVIL LAUGHTER.]
[.]
Oi! Who's back there? I can see you.
Now, come over here and give us a hand, will you? Top o' the mornin' to you, Guvna.
I be being a normal man of this place 'ere.
Ahoy, y'all! It's past noon, ya hoopty frood.
Give us a hand, will ya? Make yourself useful.
Well, that look like a, uh, a normal thing to me, compadre.
[BLUFFING IN SPANISH.]
[LAUGHS.]
Damn right.
- [LAUGHING ALONG.]
- Gonna be some good separations today.
Snip snap! Oh Don't mind my asking, but, um what's it for? Bring justice to a pair of witchakookoos.
Foreign types, Trost spies.
Word is they're brother and sister, claim to be from another world.
It's all farty butt-talk, if you ask me.
Brother and sister [MOCKING.]
"Brother and sister.
" Uh [METAL RINGING.]
Who be ye the hand of? The Trosts or The Mage? We know they are working together.
I told you, we don't work for anybody.
How did ye come to work with the Trosts? What were those terrible weapons they wielded? And where is Panto now? I met Panto back in my world, but I have no idea where he is now.
And that hardly counts as knowing the guy, or any of the pink-haired people.
And those things that they were holding, they're called "guns.
" They're from our world.
You keep saying "your world" as though we're supposed to believe it.
You think you're the only ones having a hard time believing this is happening? I did not sign up for some kind of murdery acid-trip ren-fair nightmare.
This is weird for us too! [AMANDA.]
: Todd! You're Farson's mom, right? Yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.
I knew Farson.
He was a great person, but you're wrong about what happened to him.
He wasn't kidnapped by the Trosts.
Farson told me he ran away from home because of all the fighting between the two families.
But he got captured by those asshole Kellum Knights, who then spread the rumor that it was the Trosts who kidnapped him.
They knew that that would piss you guys off and distract you from the real problem.
Their army is coming here.
This is your chance to do what Farson would've wanted.
Make peace with the Trosts, and maybe me, and him, and Dirk Gently can help you save your people before Enough! No more lies.
What did they say? Execute them both.
Bergsberg Sheriff's department! We're armed, make yourself known! [FROG CROAKS.]
[CROAKING.]
[SUZIE'S VOICE ON TELEVISION.]
you sit there, Bob, and rot Time and space are no longer obstacles.
I'm powerful I am beautiful! What kind of trippy crap is this? You sit there, Bob.
You sit there and rot Bob? Hey Hey, bud, you in there? Jesus, Farah, are those pins? Time and space are no longer obstacles.
What is wrong with him? well, now I am going to be a queen! Farah? A queen who rules all! Farah The TV's not plugged in.
prophecy of The Mage This is not good, this is not good You don't think they're actually gonna kill us, right? Wait Don't swallow it.
What? Why? Listen, pararibulitis works different here.
Wakti was teaching me how to weaponize my attacks.
Maybe you could do it too.
Well, okay, but I swallowed it, so I want you to hit me right now.
What? No! Ah! What the I have gotten too used to this.
I'm too good at controlling my attacks.
Hit me, maybe we could trigger one, and I can use it to get us out of here.
Okay, look, I'm not going to hit you Ow! Stop it! No.
Ah! That's really starting to hurt now.
Ah! Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry Ah, I'm so sorry.
Nothing.
Ah! Jesus! This is like [LAUGHING.]
Orlando! Orlando! We were in that car for, like, nine hours.
I can't believe you remember that.
You were, like, a baby You always say that.
I was, like, seven years old.
[LAUGHING.]
You know what's really crazy? What? Oh! [LAUGHING.]
- Ow! - [LAUGHING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Okay.
I don't think this is gonna work.
[IMPATIENT SQUAWKING.]
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION.]
Her cardio has got to be legendary.
[SNARLS IN EXCITEMENT.]
[YELPS.]
[BUCKETS CLATTERING.]
Aah! [SNARLING.]
[SIGHS WEARILY.]
Why is your hair black? Oh, uh, it's, like, a disguise, a crappy disguise.
Farah and I were on the run for months.
Did anything happen between you guys? Yeah, actually.
What? How? She is so out of your league.
Um, hey, you're the one who drove off in a van with a bunch of drunk magic homeless dudes.
What, you think that No, absolutely not.
The Rowdy 3, they're like a whole different type of thing.
I was just worried about you.
You know you hurt me, right? You were my hero.
How do I get my brother back? 'Cause I want him back.
But I look at you, and, like do I even know this person? I'm sorry.
I'm trying.
Well, we're gonna die in about an hour, so try harder.
[CHUCKLING RUEFULLY.]
you sit there, Bob.
Oh, God.
you sit there and rot.
What do you think is wrong with him? I think he's in some kind of trance.
I am beautiful! And I think the TV is doing it to him.
I am going to be a queen! What, like, some kinda magical TV? Okay, okay, yeah, sure.
Help me get him out of here.
Okay, let's go.
Hello, ladies.
Can he see us? Yes, indeed I can.
Lucky me! Unfortunately, I'm already elsewhere.
The face you see here is just a spell, a curse, in fact.
I understand if you're confused.
There's so little magic in your world.
You're The Mage.
You gave Suzie the wand.
My, aren't we a sharp knife? Someone's been paying attention.
We'd like to have a word with her.
Oh, [CHUCKLING.]
I'm sure you would.
Unfortunately, Suzie has already gone to Wendimoor.
I have decided that that world is no longer worthy of my attention.
I hope you don't mind if I excuse myself.
In fact, I'm going to excuse both of you, too.
[THUNDERCLAP.]
Kill them, Bob.
- Oh, my God! [SUZIE.]
: Kill them, Bob! Kill them, Bob! [MAGE.]
: Kill them, Bob.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! [MAGE.]
: Both of them.
[SUZIE.]
: Kill! Kill! Kill! Mr.
Boreton, I don't want to have to kill you [BOB ROARING.]
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
[SUZIE.]
: Kill them, Bob! [CHOKING AND GASPING.]
- [MAGE.]
: Kill them, Bob.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! [MAGE.]
: Both of them [RIFLE BLASTS.]
[GASPING FOR BREATH.]
[.]
Aah! It's that British guy from the thing the other time! You? You are gonna hate your situation! Get away from me! [SHRIEKING.]
Whoa! Whoa [SHOUTING.]
What is that? [SNARLING.]
[GROWLING AND SHOUTING.]
Listen, listen Listen Stop, no No [SHOUTING AND SNARLING.]
I am I have never hit anyone before, and Oh, I do not know what to do now.
And-and to you, Beast, I am sorry.
I have been rude.
I have become a violent young or youngish, man and my face feels very hot, and my hand might actually be broken, and so Don't hit me? We're looking for the boss? Little guy with black hair.
Amanda.
Amanda has been captured.
She and her brother are captured, and they are going to be executed.
Yeah, well, we'll have to get the drummer outta that lickity-split.
All right, boys, let's go kick some ass.
[CROSS.]
: Ha ha! Let's go beat the crap outta everybody! [GRIPPS.]
: Yeah, I love beatin' up crap No, no, wait, listen to me! You don't even know where they are.
There are too many people for you to try and rescue Amanda and Todd alone.
You're risking their lives, and your own.
So? You got a better idea? Yes.
Yes, actually, I do.
I have a plan.
[GRUNTS IN EXCITEMENT.]
Good.
Ow! Okay, this guy's in charge.
Mr.
Sandman bring me a dream Make her the cutest that I've ever seen Give her two lips of roses and clover And tell her that her lonely nights are over Sandman Mr.
Sandman bring me a dream Where is The Mage? Huh.
Where is The Mage? Huh.
Uh, you keep getting louder and louder, and it ain't changing his answer.
Can I try somethin'? Okay.
Hey, Bob, you know me, right? Huh.
Um Okay, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna play tequila-talk, okay? You know what that means? That means if you want to say "yes," you just make a noise, and then to say "no," you just Sound good? Huh.
Did your wife do this to you? Huh.
Is she coming back from Wendimoor? Is that a I mean No, no, no, it's working, that was a "no.
" She's not coming back.
Okay.
Is The Mage still here? Huh.
Oh, good.
Good job, man.
Okay, wh-what is he doing? Okay, Bob, Bob, buddy, I really, really, really need your help, okay? The sheriff is missing, and we don't Huh.
What? What did you just say "yes" to? Do you know where Hobbs is? Huh.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Tina Okay [SIGHS.]
Bob look at me.
Okay.
I need you to remember that drunk and disorderly where I looked the other way.
I just caught Scott with weed, I didn't even so much as write him a ticket.
I just took the drugs.
'Cause I'm a good friend.
Okay, I need you to do something for me now.
I need you to reach deep down inside and do one thing for me, okay, man? Because I've been there.
I have been so out of it that I didn't know what was going on, but I did it, I reached through, I found words, I need you to do the same, please.
Hobbs is in trouble, he needs our help.
He's your friend too.
Please, just find the words.
Are you Are you K wor.
.
Eee Quarry? Did you just say "quarry"? - Huh.
- [GASPS.]
Oh! Hobbs is at the quarry! Good work, officer! [LAUGHS IN RELIEF.]
Hey, Todd? I just I'm scared.
Me too.
Here comes the queen! Good people of Inglenook! You have lived under the dark cloud of war for far too long.
But do not be fooled! The true threat to our lives lays with the uncivilized Trosts [CROWD ROARS.]
Yes! and those magical creatures they consort with in the woods.
But do not fret the chaos ends today! [CHEERING.]
[REVERSE ALERTS BEEPING.]
Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
Hell, yeah! Come on! [GROWLING AND LAUGHING.]
Let's rage, gingerbread! I have no idea what's going on here! [LAUGHING.]
Take a picture! We're big heroes! Looks like a nice place to wreck, boys! - Yeah! - Whoo! [LAUGHING AND ROARING.]
Go! Get them! Sorry for the inconvenience.
[TODD LAUGHING IN DELIGHT.]
Oh, my god! 'Lo dere.
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCISSORS SNIP.]
I knew you'd show up! You did? I accepted it as a possibility, yeah.
Oh, good! [LAUGHING.]
Halt! I order you to surrender.
Silas, we're on your side! You put your hands on my mother! I won't let you do this.
I have to be brave.
No.
It is I who am the have to be being the brave one.
En garde, sir! I got him on the butt! [BLOW LANDS.]
No, no, no, no Ooh, no, no, no [SCREAMS.]
I got you on the arm! You have to give up now, because I got you on the - [SLASHING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Ow! - Shit! - Dirk! Dirk? Are you Dirk Gently? Hi.
Silas! Quickly! [SHRIEKING.]
Boys! [WHISTLES.]
[CHEERING.]
Beast! Beast! Beast! Beast! Come on! [LAUGHING AND JEERING.]
Wigofenz! Wigofenz.
Oh good, you're awake.
I've been informed you're Panto's boyfriend, and as I always say, any boyfriend of Panto's is someone I might meet in another dimension.
Are you really Dirk Gently? He really is.
I really, really just so am, and I have just one question for you, Silas, how long has the feud between your two families been going on? Three generations, since the beginning of time.
[SIGHS.]
Wait, since the beginning of time, or three generations? Both.
Because for this place, the beginning of time is three generations ago.
- You solved the case.
- Oh, my god, I forgot to tell you, I solved the case.
Ha! May I? - Yes, please.
- Yeah, obviously.
In the 1950s in the town of Bergsberg, a family named the Cardenases, with one son, Arnold, were shocked when they discovered a baby in a boat in the middle of nowhere.
[BABY CRYING.]
Then, out of the kindness of their heart, they took in this baby boy, but bad call, arguably, because it turns out this baby had, stay with me, godlike reality-warping powers that activated whenever he fell asleep, basically his dreams would come true, but in a bad, scary way, not a beautiful inspiring one.
All the weirdness The Boy was causing in Bergsberg attracted the attention of a government agency, the predecessor to Blackwing.
This, of course, was stressful for the Cardenases, who didn't know how to handle The Boy's powers, and were arguing with each other already over whether or not to sell the farm to the Kellum Corporation.
I can't believe I'm able to follow this.
Kellum named for The Mage Kellum? Hmm, not quite.
I don't understanding anything that's happening here, and I love it.
I love Bibbit.
Tensions in the Cardenas house rose until they finally exploded.
She came home with a new car, having agreed to sell the farm, they argued, and, gasp, Marina Cardenas killed her husband with a pair of scissors.
Very bad move, for multiple reasons, but mainly because The Boy freaked out and retreated into a dream-state, launching his mother into the sky, putting his father inside a tree on the farm he loved so much, and Is there, like, a whole new case going on? The case is the same case as we're in now, which to you, is new.
See, after their parents were dead, that left Arnold, the older brother, alone with The Boy.
Arnold was understandably traumatized after losing both his parents, so he called the number the government agency had given them, and turned The Boy in.
That's what Arnold must've been trying to tell us, the thing he feared never being forgiven for, betraying his brother.
Ding! But a wrinkle.
The stress of being taken away by the men in black made The Boy try to use his power at a scale he never had before.
He tried to make his fantasy real.
The mural He created Wendimoor, an entire dimension, in an instant, with its own people, its own magic, from The Boy's own mind.
So all of us here are just figments of a scared child's mind? No! No, no, you are real people, with real lives.
The Boy's waking dream was like the Big Bang that created this universe.
The sheer power of that creation caused an energy surge that was the '67 Event and threw The Boy himself into a coma, leading this world to fall slowly into chaos without its rightful ruler, which it has done and will continue to do until The Boy is returned here.
Done! Did it! I'm making it a thing.
Did it! This nerdy bullshit sounds exactly like the kind of nerdy bullshit I'd expect you to be involved in.
[ROWDY 3 GRUNTING IN AGREEMENT.]
Wait, so who is Suzie Boreton? Well.
Listen.
I don't know, Todd, you've got the one thing I don't know there, but listen, I hate her so much Wait, so how does any of this help us? Because I know who, and, more importantly, where The Boy is.
He's Project Moloch.
He's in Blackwing.
He's been there the whole time.
Wakti Oh, my god, Wakti, she said that she had a friend in Blackwing, and that she was able to look there.
Mona Wilder! That was Mona Wilder! We can You're saying we can fulfill the Prophecy.
You could return The Boy and save Wendimoor! Yes.
If we could get to Blackwing, sure, that's where The Boy is, but Drummer can do that! What? You? You can get us into Blackwing? I mean, I literally learned how to do that yesterday, but Todd Todd! Everything is connected.
[LAUGHING.]
[EVIL CACKLING.]
Yes.
Everything is connected.
Stay close to me.
Right.
That's Hobbs' car.
That's The Mage.
What's he doing? [SIZZLING.]
[COCKS RIFLE.]
[SIZZLING.]
We are going to have so much fun.