Divorce (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 I'm Frances.
It's Skip.
Nice to meet you.
You too, and Bye, bye.
We should officially do business.
I buy the houses and you design and renovate and we turn a tidy profit! I hate to say it, but I do like you.
You loaned me money, which I appreciate, but we're not actually partners.
That prick from the auction, he's here.
Can I take you out for dinner sometime? I would feel impolite accepting when I'm here with someone else.
It's too soon for me to be getting involved.
Yeah, I think my exact words were you were a walking disaster.
And my instincts were right.
Skip Zakarian wants to rep me.
This means that we won't be working together.
You weren't even finishing your paintings when I met you! Thanks for everything.
I'm done here.
(CAR REVVING) - Hi! - Hey.
Did you study for your math final? - Yes, I did.
- Oh, you're so good.
Yeah, he got out the old abacus and kicked some butt.
Mom, wait till you hear about summer.
What about what about summer? - Um - Thank you.
You know, we, uh maybe hoping to take the kids to Italy.
- We you and Jackie? - Yeah.
With your permission, of course.
She's got an old college roommate that made a shitload of money selling hair extensions and bought a villa in Italy.
And even has a (CHUCKLES) big fucking moat.
And she's offered it to us for free, um, you know, for June.
And July.
- For June and and July? - Yeah.
Well, I don't want to be without the kids for all of June and July.
I mean, summer's the only time I have with them when they're not just cranky all the time from too little sleep.
You know.
Yeah, but they've never been to Europe.
Well, I'm well aware of that.
As you know, it has been my dream to take them, and as you also well know, we haven't been able to afford that.
(GROANS) I'm sorry, but it's a no.
And you should've told me before you spoke to them because now shit, now I'm in this, like, lousy position.
Once again, I'm the dream killer.
Well, if the scarpe fits.
- That's "shoe" in Italian.
- Yes, it's yes, I know.
- We were studying last night.
- Really? Already? No worries.
You know, we'll okay.
- Ciao, which is "good-bye" and "hello.
" - Yeah, ciao, as in Italian.
- I know.
- Yeah.
So, ciao.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) What the fuck? Ugh, this is bullshit! I wish it were.
Where's the part about you finding her and us launching her career, huh? - Where's that? - Oh, nowhere.
Nowhere.
I am officially scrubbed from her entire history.
I never trusted that Sylvia, but Skip? I went to St.
Barts with Skip.
He was, like, my pal.
Well, your pal is taking every ounce of credit for Sylvia.
Yeah, and all our future profits.
I'm like training wheels.
I get them started, I give them a little shove, and then they ride off on their brand-new two-wheelers into the sunset without me.
Oh, and get this Robert and Jackie want to take the kids to Europe this summer.
- That's great.
- No, it's not great, Diane, it's not.
I don't want to spend the whole summer alone without them.
Oh, my God, please.
If I had kids, all I'd want was a long break from them.
(CHUCKLES) Well, then it's probably good you never had them.
Yeah.
You know what, Frances? Maybe Sylvia and Robert were like training wheels for you, you know? It's like when I was working at the glove counter at Saks and living in that tiny studio in the East 50s.
I just loved my life.
And then I met Nick and my life got even bigger and better! So you just don't know, Frances.
You don't know what the future holds.
(GROANS) Apparently, it holds a lot of blank walls.
I'm just gonna be glad to get these Sylvias out of here and to their new owners.
Who's that? Oh, some kid up the road did it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that it looked like one of those elephants holding a paintbrush made it.
- Diane.
- (GUFFAWS) You know what? I like it.
It's bright, it's happy, I don't love it.
Can't hurt me.
I'm borrowing it.
Please, thank God.
Motherfucker! (CHATTER) - SKIP: Will you excuse me? - MAN: Certainly.
Frances.
It's good to see you.
Really? Is it good to see me? 'Cause I have some things to say to you, asshole.
Well, okay, you're you're coming in hot.
Maybe poaching Sylvia was some sort of pathetic dick swing payback for my declining your dinner invitation.
- It wasn't.
- Okay, well, regardless, it was a full-on shady thing to do.
So, I'm gonna gonna give you a little background a little history, okay? When I met Sylvia, she was in a total artistic coma.
I worked with her and I sure as hell didn't do it so that you could show up in your fancy car service one night and steal her.
I mean, is that what you do? Pretty much, yes.
- Wow, how how do you sleep at night? - Look, I don't have the eye or, frankly, the energy to do what you do.
I wish I did.
But once an artist is on my radar, I can sell the shit out of them.
I know what people want, I know how much money these people have, and I know where they've parked their yachts.
So, the way I see it, you can go on having people like me steal your artists or we could discuss working together.
Are you serious? You fuck me over and then you expect me to go into business with you? Oh, that's rich.
Hey, you can stay in your sleepy little hamlet and watch people leave you or you can move forward.
That's my two cents.
Unbelievable.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, and, uh, here.
You can keep your two cents and your pricey trinket.
I'm not for sale.
Call me if you want to talk.
Jesus.
WOMAN: So, all profits on future investments are split 50-50.
- Yep.
- All righty, if you both sign at the bottom, your real estate partnership is finalized.
Check that out.
What a signature.
You should've seen it in high school.
It actually included a smiley face.
- (WOMAN LAUGHS) - Aw.
- Well, congratulations - That's sweet.
you are now a corporation.
And if I could just say, - you two are adorable.
- Oh.
- You're pretty cute yourself, Michelle.
- Well, thank you.
(LAUGHS) And you work well together.
These agreements are difficult, believe you me.
Basically, it's like doing a prenup, but you guys just breezed on through.
- Oh, butterscotch? - Oh, thank you.
- (LOUD BANGING) - (WHISPERS) Shit.
Come on.
- (PIPE CLATTERS) - (SCREAMS) Oh, my Oh! Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
(WATER DRIPPING) Thanks for coming.
I didn't know who else to call.
Plumbers.
- This is their profession.
- (LAUGHS) Just throwing it out there.
Of course.
Yeah, no, it's better to call a plumber, but I panicked, 'cause that was, like, shooting at me sideways.
Oh, and by the way, we have no water pressure in the upstairs shower and that was like a fire hose.
If that's a veiled attempt to get me to fix the showerhead, no way, José.
Oh, no, no, just this one job, sir.
'Cause you know this house better than anyone.
This house and I have been through many emotional highs and lows together.
Hey, so, what, your your fella not available to come help? He's not my fella.
- And we're done.
- Really? Copy that.
Seemed like a nice guy, though.
Except for, you know, those weird sweater-vests.
He did not wear sweater-vests.
In his soul, he was wearing a sweater-vest.
- No.
- Oh, reminds me.
I have something for you.
Here you go.
$75,000? Finally started to make some money on these flip houses.
And I just wanted to pay you back.
'Cause, you know, you supported me well, the family for so long.
Really long time.
You trying to buy me off so you can take the kids this summer? Jesus.
Just say thanks and invest in a new pipe.
Thank you.
Really thank you.
And congratulations on you know, the houses, on everything.
Thanks.
It feels good.
It's really weird, I never imagined when we first bought this place you know, that we wouldn't be - Yeah.
- Huh, it's weird.
I thought I would drop dead in this house.
- You know? - Do you ever wonder, like what if we met each other now? You mean if New Frances met New Robert? Yeah.
Yeah.
- I think we'd have a lot of laughs.
- Yeah.
Mostly at the expense of of Old Frances.
- (LAUGHS) - Hi, I'm Frances.
- Swifty.
- Sw Swifty? New Robert gets to call himself whatever he wants.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- I'm so sorry.
Oh.
- I can't do it again.
- No, of course not.
It - I'm with Jackie.
No, I I know that.
I know that.
I'm sorry.
- (SIGHS) - (DOOR OPENS) I don't know, Frances, that whole Skip idea sounds kind of tempting.
We could team up with him and make a killing, come on! I don't want to make a killing! I want to enjoy what I do.
You know, I used to enjoy art.
This whole Sylvia business has just has left a very bad taste in my mouth.
All right, forget about business and we can have some fun.
Hey, you're coming to our Memorial Day barbecue this Sunday, right? - Yeah, I'll be there.
- Yay! Oh, and Nick invited Robert and Jackie.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, absolutely.
No, we're good, so, yeah, there's no worries there Whoa (STUTTERS) wait.
This reminds me.
Um here.
I want you to have this.
A check made out to you? Well, no, I mean, Robert made it out to me, and I endorsed it to you.
See? It's to pay you back.
- For the gallery loan.
- Oh! I mean, I can't think of no better recipient than you.
You've done so much for me, Diane.
- So thank you.
- You don't have to do this, Frances.
No, I I want to do it.
I'm proud to do it.
Oh, I see.
So this is how it ends.
Wait, what? Now that the dreadful Pelts is gone, you just don't have any more use for me.
No, Diane, please don't make this something that it isn't, all right? I I have been telling you for so long that I'm gonna pay you back and I feel like you just chose to not hear me.
I'm giving you money.
It's a good thing.
Yeah, for you, I guess.
- Oh, come on.
Diane! - No.
You wanted to do the gallery alone, now I want to be alone.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Don't try and stop me.
- Okay.
- You can Uber home! I there's no service.
Oh, come on.
Diane! Good.
You know what would be fun to do in Italy? Buy leather.
(WHOOSHES) Yes! Get married.
Wait, what? You know, that butterscotch candy lawyer was right.
I mean, we did the hard work.
And and we work together.
Really well.
I know it's really fast but my marriage lasted a long time and look where that ended up.
I mean, life's short, Jackie.
I don't remember what that quote was from that inspirational, cheesy poster, but I want my future to start.
Today.
You're asking me to marry you.
Will you marry me? - Fuck yeah! - Fuck yeah.
Oh! (MUSIC PLAYING) - Say it again! - MAN: Fuck Frances.
- Say it again! - Fuck Frances! I was the best goddamn partner she ever had.
I knew her peccadilloes, her needs, and let me tell you something, Dwayne, this lady is not a walk in the park.
- Fuck her! - Thank you, Dwayne.
And I wanna tell you something I really like you.
You're a good person.
May I buy you a new cap? - Okay.
- Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING) But first, we need another round.
- Okay.
- Barkeep, can I have two more 7 and 7s? Ma'am, you've had enough.
- Ma'am? - Ooh.
Ma'am! Fuck you! You can't kick me out because I'm choosing to go! (CAR DOOR BEEPING) Bullshit.
Fuck you, I'm out of here.
- (REVVING) - Fuck you! Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you! - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Your love - Belongs under a rock - Oh! Hey, it's (STUTTERS) Oh, Diane, come on.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Huh.
What was that about? I paid her back for the gallery loan, and you'd think I killed her mother.
Oh.
Well, she loathes her mother.
She'd probably welcome that.
- Well - Tequila, extra lime.
You're the best.
- Ted, this is Frances.
- Hi.
Oh, yes, the tennis partner.
- We finally meet.
- You don't have a drink.
- Do you like tequila? - Yes, I do.
- Here, I insist.
- Oh.
That's very nice of you.
You're a real gentleman.
Thank you very much.
I'll be right back with more reinforcements.
Well, well, well.
- Kissing partners.
- I know, he's a child.
He's adorable, he's delightful.
Who cares how old he is? You deserve to have some fun.
I'm happy for you and for him.
You know who else is happy for him? - Who? - His ex-wife, who still lives with him.
- They're besties.
- Really? Really.
How can people in their 30s have more complicated lives than us? I'm gonna I'm gonna skedaddle to the corn dogs.
Oh, okay, all right.
I'll talk to I think Frances just ran away from us.
Yeah, she was a sprinter in college.
Hey, uh, have you told her yet? What, about you and me? No, about my fucking quiche recipe.
Robbie! Yes, I was planning on telling her later.
I just thought that, you know, once we had partaken in punch and fellowship and, uh and fireworks.
You have to tell her today, okay? You owe that to her.
And we can't tell the kids until you tell her.
Oh, Jesus, it's a house of cards.
Have you told anyone? Like, a friend? I told my mother and I booked the camel I'm riding in on.
One of those things is a lie.
Hello, my friends, welcome, welcome.
God bless our fallen troops and don't miss the sangria bar.
What news do you bring from the outside world? Jackie and I are getting married, Nick.
- Oh, fuck! - No kidding! That's fantastic.
Oh, my God, that's amazing news! (LAUGHS) We so love it when our young people get married.
You know, Diane and I have been married nearly 11 years now and, her murder attempt aside, I just I couldn't recommend the institution more.
Oh, that's great news.
- Great.
- Thank you.
- (ROBERT CLEARS THROAT) - Um, well, but we actually were hoping we could just keep this all between us.
- Mmm.
- ROBERT: Haven't really spoke to the masses just yet, which mainly and namely involves Frances.
Your secret's safe with me.
Norman, how's the knee, you cocksucker? You wanted me to tell somebody.
You have to go tell her.
Right now! - Fuck.
- (CHATTER) Michael, I noticed that many of the people outside aren't eating food, so make sure to pass the food sticks around to the outside people, 'cause I want them to get eaten.
Thank you, Michael.
Diane, can can we talk about this, please? Mm, I have some real friends to entertain, so excuse me.
(GROANS) Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.
- Look, can we just talk? - Robert, can we not? I am mortified and I really don't want to rehash it any more than I already have in my head.
You're with Jackie.
I get it.
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Hello, hello, hello, hello! (BOTH LAUGHING) What a great day.
Start of summer.
Full of so much possibility.
Like the daffodils and Jesus, I, too, have been reborn - (LAUGHTER) - these last few months spending time with lovely Diane here in our magical home.
Oh, I feel the same.
- (ALL CHUCKLING) - And as many of you know, I am prone to the passive-aggressive speech.
- DIANE: Yes.
- But this one is just aggressive-aggressive.
I love this woman! To Diane! ALL: Diane! - (LAUGHTER) - And I'm three sangrias in, so, uh, forgive me my trespasses, but, uh, I can't keep it to myself.
I have some very exciting news to share.
- (CROWD MURMURING) - Fuck.
Norman is fully healed from the ACL surgery.
He's gonna be back out there on the links stealing our money by June 1st.
Norman! - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (SIGHS) ROBERT: Frances, we need to talk.
Robert, I can I could really use some space right now.
- Seriously.
- No, I understand that, but it would behoove us if you would just open the door so we could talk.
(DISTANT SIRENS) - Diane! There's a line! - The jig is up.
- What jig? - The police are here.
- They're here for me! - I highly doubt that.
- (CARS APPROACHING) - (SIRENS BLARING) ROBERT: Oh, shit.
Listen, Frances, that night we fought, I may have gotten totally drunk, I may have sideswiped some cars.
There were clearly cameras, they clearly fingered me.
Jesus, well, did you hurt anyone? - I don't recall.
- Oh, my God.
I was so sad, Frances.
My only friend that night was the bottle.
I mean (STUTTERS) that's a little dramatic.
I'm I'm your friend, Diane.
I promise you, I am still your friend, and if you want to give that check back to me, that is completely okay.
I just don't want it to screw up our relationship.
I can't because I may have accidentally flushed it down the toilet of some dive bar in Peekskill.
- Okay, then.
- But I accept your apology.
Well, thanks.
I really need a friend, Frances.
I need you to help me turn myself in to the Po-po.
All right.
Okay, let's go.
I told you to stop having parties.
ROBERT: He's my bro, man.
- I deserve to know what he's done.
- Ow, ow! Excuse me, officers, officers.
Excuse me, you have the wrong person.
It was I who committed the crime and and I shall make it right.
It was me.
Yeah? You embezzled $12 million from your clients? - (CROWD MURMURING) - What? NICK: This is not the worst party we've ever had.
Diane! Diane, I love you, Diane.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Nick.
Jackie and I are getting married.
He was lying the whole time.
He wasn't in retirement, he was in hiding! Ugh, I'm Ruth Madoff.
I'm gonna be penniless and scorned and have to go live with my sister in Boca.
Sweetie, you aren't penniless.
You have a $2 million Pelts and $75,000 in a toilet somewhere in Peekskill.
Robert is engaged? What the fuck is that? - Did you know? - No.
No, I did not.
Are you okay? Honestly, uh I don't know.
I mean, of course, one of us was gonna move on, but engaged? This fast? I mean, I I still have old pants of his in the attic.
Oh, my God.
Do you think she's pregnant? I mean, she's definitely young enough to have a baby.
Anyone can.
Please, there are 65-year-old grandmothers having babies now.
Well, that would at least explain it.
My God, how do I keep missing these things? Aah.
I'm like the poster child for being blindsided.
Sylvia, Robert, it's (SIGHS) Thought you might need this.
- Thank you.
- You're a doll.
That little Ted is adorable.
(SCOFFS) He's mine.
And his ex-wife's.
That's true.
(DOORKNOB RATTLES) - ROBERT: Hi.
- Hey.
Closing at 11:00.
Strong work ethic.
I'm driving Diane into the city to see Nick.
- In jail.
- Oh.
Did did you know? About what he was doing? No.
No, I was completely in the dark.
A lot of bombshells lately.
Hey, look, Frances.
About that.
Yesterday it's not how I meant to tell you.
It's it's not how I wanted you to find out about Jackie and I.
Wouldn't be my preferred choice, either.
I panicked.
It's as simple as that.
I'm not proud of it.
Is she you know, is she pregnant? Oh, God, no.
(CHUCKLES) No.
You happy? I am.
I can't be late for visiting hours.
(FRANCES SIGHS) You sure you're okay to go in alone? (SIGHS) Yes, of course.
Go enjoy your nonincarcerated day.
I'll meet you back here at 3:00.
- Okay.
- 3:00.
- (RADIO CHATTER) - MAN: Keep moving.
(SIGHS) (SIGHING CONTINUES) Could we move this along, ma'am? You'll get it all back on the other side of the screening.
Says you.
WOMAN: Hurry up.
(DOOR SLAMS) Diane, you look so lovely.
- You look so orange.
- Darling, I'm sorry.
I never meant to drag you into all of this.
I got carried away and I will pay the price.
(INHALES) Are we poor now? Define poor.
I mean, I know I have the Pelts, but it would break my heart to have to sell it.
But what else? Are are there accounts somewhere? Like, somewhere top secret? Maybe just use hand signals so no one can hear - what we're talking about.
- Diane, they're going to seize the Pelts.
- What? - Well, it was my money that bought it.
Or more accurately, the Zucker family trust's money, but still.
How could you do this to me? To us? I never needed the money.
- I fucking loved you! - Diane, pick up the phone.
- Fuck you! - Diane, pick up pick up the phone.
- Fuck you! - Diane, don't do that now.
- Fuck you! - Not in front of the guys! - Fuck you, fuck you! - Diane, calm - Fuck you! - Come with me, ma'am.
I'm not a ma'am! Wait for me, Diane! (MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (CHATTER) - (MUSIC PLAYING) (MAN CHATTERING) Is that yours? Yeah, that one's actually my favorite.
It's mine, too.
Um, I have a gallery if if you ever want to chat.
- Cool.
- (GIGGLES) - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Well, good luck.
- Thanks.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
This is Robert.
Leave your message at the tone.
(TONE BEEPS) Oh, hey, it's me.
Um, s so, yeah, so take the kids to Italy.
Um, but please show them more than gelato shops.
Show them show them Caravaggio and Titian and the Duomo in Florence, okay? Um, yeah.
And congratulations to you and Jackie.
Okay, bye.
WOMAN: Hello.
Hi.
Can I help you with anything? Yes, are you hiring? Bye.
(TRUCK DOORS SLAM) Mmm! - Have fun.
- Okay.
Okay? - Bye.
- Bye.
(ENGINE STARTS) (MUSIC PLAYING) Wash away my troubles Wash away my pain With the rain in Shambala Wash away my sorrow Wash away my shame With the rain in Shambala Ah, ooh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Ah, ooh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah