Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e08 Episode Script
Revenge of the Teenage Dead
And Action! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! No, please No Aah! Aah! Please don't.
Aah Aah.
Hi, doogie.
Cut! Cut.
Can you help with these? Where does my script say "victim helps mother with groceries before being dismembered?" Hello, Wanda.
Is that chain saw safe? Of course No chain.
Boys, I need a little room.
We'll just finish this scene.
This is the climactic moment when our hero is sliced, diced, and promptly refrigerated.
Sure, laugh.
Revenge of the teenage dead will make other horror films look like nursery rhymes.
I'll be considered the godfather of Gore, the sultan of revoltin', the king of cadavers.
Hey, what's taking so long? Janine, baby, you got to be patient.
I've been waiting forever.
I'm sick of holding this stupid chain saw.
This mask is giving me zits.
But you're the star! Soon the name "Janine" will strike fear in the hearts of millions, like Jason and Freddy.
Oh, yeah A dream come true.
All right.
I'll arrange for you to sleep with the director.
That'd be your dream come true.
What do you kids find so fascinating about these ridiculous slasher films? Oh, hi, dear.
I didn't hear you come in.
Gregory, you'll graduate summa cum laude with majors in chemistry molecular biology.
Your academic record qualifies you for any medical school in America.
Why did you apply to southwest? Well, Dr.
forrest, your questions requires a twofold response First, I greatly admire your faculty, and secondly, I plan on specializing in endocrinology, and your laboratory facilities are state-of-the-art.
Then there's the dorm's proximity to sunset beach.
That would be convenient.
I dabble in marine biology.
Recently, at the scripps institute, I studied algae symbiosis.
One final question, Gregory You've told us Quite eloquently Why you've chosen southwest.
Now tell us why we should choose you.
Because I'm the most qualified.
Well I think that about covers it.
Thank you very much, Gregory.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Thank you, Dr.
forrest.
Doctors.
Thanks for your time, Dr.
howser.
I've wanted to meet you since I was a kid.
Call me doogie, Greg.
If you don't mind, i prefer Gregory.
Stuart and I feel I've outgrown "Greg.
" Stuart? My father.
How long will you and, uh, Stuart, be here? Two weeks.
Definitely check out magic mountain.
There's this new ride Viper.
It's unbelievable.
I doubt I'll have a chance.
Stuart and I are spending all my time observing eastman.
It must be a drag coming to L.
A.
And hanging out with your dad.
Actually, I enjoy it.
We read, attend lectures, play chess Sounds pretty wild.
Well, we do enjoy ourselves.
Uh-huh.
I must say, David, you've set a fine example.
Douglas is quite an accomplishment.
Well, thank you, Stuart.
We've certainly tried.
Don't be modest.
As parents of gifted children, it's our responsibility to make sure that their god-given talents aren't squandered in youth.
You've created a Not many men can say that.
Well, to be honest, i can't say it either.
Douglas became a doctor on his own.
I actually think that Katherine's and my greatest accomplishment will be surviving his teens.
Don't get cocky, dad, you still have three years to go.
All right, I've got rocky road and chocolate chip.
I'm sorry, Katherine.
We should have mentioned it earlier.
Gregory and i don't eat sugar.
Right, Gregory? Right.
Too much glucose leads to hyperactivity, and can affect concentration.
Right? Right.
Oh.
Huh.
Nice system.
I've got a compatible with 40 megabytes.
You ever played the flight simulator? Stuart feels games take up too much memory.
Doog, it's over.
I'm dead meat.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done! Who's the kid? Vinnie delpino, Gregory pelzman.
How you doing? Look, I got a major crisis Janine walked! She wants to be one of the teenage dead.
She wants to be hacked to pieces, just like everybody else.
Relax, Vinnie.
We'll just find someone else.
Vinnie's making a slasher movie.
It's not merely that.
It's a statement about life, about angst-ridden teens and their struggle to overcome parental oppression.
Picture rebel without a cause meets Texas chain saw massacre.
I'm not familiar with your references.
I consider movie-going a waste of time.
Get out.
He's joking, right? Would you excuse me? Talk about your teenage dead.
What a stiff.
Yeah, he's no barrel of laughs.
Gregory's applied to southwest medical school.
I'm supposed to spend time with him, then make a recommendation.
I'd recommend him to get a life.
Dr.
howser, may I borrow some floss? Uh, yeah, help yourself And call me doogie.
This kid is scary.
I'm outta here.
Was that the longest night of our lives or what? I mean, could you believe those two? I didn't know whether to feel sorry for the kid or beat him with a stick.
And his father Doogie, raising a prodigy isn't as easy as it looks.
I can remember spending a lot of sleepless nights wishing you were just a little more average.
Yeah, but Stuart's got him programmed like a robot.
At least you let me alone to do what I wanted.
Well, not exactly, Douglas.
Remember, you wanted to join the debate team, and we enrolled you in the cub scouts? Or when you wanted to take that summer school calculus course, but we made you go to camp chipmunk.
Do I.
Chipmunks, chipmunks, chipmunks we running, playing and living free I will never forgive you guys for that.
Oh, honey, your father and i just wanted you to enjoy life, and not bury yourself in your books.
And luckily, we got some unexpected help in that area.
Katherine.
What? Doogie, the point is, we wanted you to have some balance.
When you decided to go to medical school, we were satisfied you weren't gonna wake up one day and regret the choice you'd made.
Yeah, but Gregory doesn't have a clue.
How am I gonna recommend him when he doesn't know what he's giving up? He's never had a chance just to be a kid.
You'd think in a city of 10 million people, I could find one maniacal killer.
What's wrong with you? What do you think? Look at him.
He's calculating the nutritional value of everything.
This kid won't lighten up.
Here, check this out.
This is a type-written itinerary of our weekend together.
He's even scheduled an 8:05 meeting to discuss the schedule.
Wait a minute.
I got a brainstorm.
Suddenly I feel a rewrite coming on.
Forget it.
He would never do it.
Come on.
It's the perfect twist.
Who'd suspect an egghead kid? Hello, Vinnie.
Doog, I'm telling you.
He's got that certain something.
Look at this this face.
He's the one.
He's got it.
Got what? Who cares if he doesn't know movies.
He must be a quick study.
You're a genius, right? Yes, but I think I see what you're saying.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, but but I'm sure he wouldn't be interested.
No.
No, he'd never do it.
Do what? Oh, no.
Vinnie was just suggesting that you would be perfect for Dr.
Hyde, the brilliant medical mind that stars in my film.
Really? Me? There's a precedent for this.
Dr.
Jonas salk was very big in dinner theater.
Well, it does sound somewhat interesting, but Dr.
howser and I are scheduled to observe a laparoscopic gall bladder operation at 2:15.
I think we can arrange a change.
Aah! Excuse me.
How will i ever catch her if she's running and I'm limping? Cut! I don't see why i would eat the foot.
The heart or liver's more nutritional.
Cut! Cut! Gregory, babe.
You're a cannibal.
Cannibals aren't finicky eaters.
Got a minute? We're going to be here all night.
Not if we kill him first.
I've had enormous cold sores that were less annoying than that kid.
Get rid of him.
I can't.
Whether Gregory realizes it or not, he needs this.
Doog.
All right.
I'll talk to him.
What are you doing? Dr.
howser, I'm not what Vinnie's looking for.
I don't mean to insult you, but it seems frivolous.
Exactly.
It's called goofing off.
It's one of the perks of being a kid, and call me doogie.
Well, Stuart wouldn't approve of me goofing off.
Let me make this simple.
You want to go to southwest? It's my call.
I'll make a deal with you.
Forget anything anyone's told you about who you're supposed to be and just listen to Vinnie.
I don't think that Trust me on this.
You're about to learn one of the most important tools needed in medical school, how to veg out.
Ok, Dr.
how Doogie.
Good eyeballs.
Cue the zombies! Good, good.
Beautiful, Gregory.
Beautiful.
Show us your stumps, doog.
Don't scratch your ear.
The dead don't itch.
All right, Greg.
You're scared for your life.
Act scared, Gregory.
Good, good.
Oh, this is gorgeous.
Now tear him limb from limb.
Struggle to survive, Gregory.
Hey, watch where you're throwing that liver.
Who's got the brain? It's coming.
Good, good.
Your boring life is flashing before your eyes.
O.
K.
, die.
Die already! Cut! That was beautiful, kid.
I was truly moved.
I'm sorry.
I need a moment alone.
All right, Greg.
Good job.
You were fantastic.
O.
K.
, that's a wrap.
Let's eat.
Yeah.
This is really great.
Want some whip cream on your pizza? You pig.
Children, children.
What's the matter with you? Are you happy now? Get that.
Hello? Oh, uh, hi, Mr.
pelzman.
Yeah.
Yeah, just a second.
Hello, Stuart.
Great.
Well, actually I think I'm going go be a little late getting back.
The gall bladder operation? I didn't go.
Um, but I did see an amputation.
What I'm saying is the last few days, I saw another side of him.
Now I'm confident Gregory will do fine at southwest.
I'm curious, Dr.
howser.
What exactly is this other side? I want to file a complaint against this kid.
Mr.
pelzman, I'm sorry.
This is a private meeting.
Your esteemed colleague spent the weekend attempting to undermine my son's admission.
That is not true.
The hell it isn't.
He dragged him out of the hospital, fed him junk food, and talked him out of school.
Douglas.
He didn't talk me out of anything.
I told you to wait outside.
Doogie didn't do anything.
All we did was have fun.
He told me about being a teenager, about parties, girls, kissing with tongues.
I just don't want medical school right now.
You don't know what you want.
I believe that he influenced you.
You're going to hear from my lawyer.
The premiere of my first movie, and I'm sweating through my cummerbund.
I pity the next guy who rents this tux.
It will be great.
Hi, doogie.
Gregory.
Mr.
pelzman.
Glad you made it.
Wouldn't miss this for the world.
Are we late? Just starting.
Come on, dad.
I'll be right there.
Douglas, i want to apologize for my behavior the other day.
You do? I was too angry to listen to what Gregory was saying.
Though I admit I'm still disappointed in what's happened, I love my son.
You helped Gregory regain something I hadn't realized he'd lost His childhood.
Almost.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
I'm on a diet.
He's a great kid, Mr.
pelzman.
He'll make a great doctor.
Come on.
It's going to start.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the world premiere of the revenge of the teenage dead.
I must warn you you may not be prepared for the horror you are about to witness.
And now, brace yourselves for the ultimate in terror.
My name is biff Harris.
The story I'm about to tell you is true.
If it wasn't, I wouldn't be dead.
It all started two weeks ago with my friends Pete and Mary sue.
Aah! How did he get into the house? That answer your question? Don't give up, Pete.
Get off, sue.
Get off.
It's coming! We're going to die.
For once in her life, Mary sue was right.
Stop it, Mary sue.
Get hold of yourself.
Aah aah aah! I'm sorry, Pete.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
It's coming.
We are going to die.
Aah aah aah! It looked like the end for Pete and Mary sue, but there are no rules for the undead.
The teenage zombies could not control their blood lust.
Every parent was on the menu.
You o.
K.
? O.
K.
? I'm ruined.
My career hasn't even started, and it's already over.
I think you're overreacting a bit.
Listen to that.
They're in there laughing At me.
Charlie chaplin once said, anyone can make them cry.
It takes a genius to make them laugh.
So what you're suggesting here is I'm a genius.
In a manner of speaking, yeah.
All week long, you talked about being the next Hitchcock or Stephen king, but you're not going to be one of those guys, 'cause you're unique.
What you created in there is Is a delpino.
Maybe you're right.
My work does have a certain delpinoesque quality.
Listen to that.
They love me.
I may have created my own genre a horroromedy.
People will laugh their heads off literally.
They'll pay an arm and leg.
Goodnight, son.
Goodnight, doogie.
Mom, dad, the other night you said you got some unexpected help making sure I grew up ok.
What were you talking about? Douglas, as you can imagine, Vinnie wasn't exactly my first choice as your best friend, or my second for that matter But, uh, no one could bring out the child in you like Vincent delpino, and in retrospect, he was a godsend.
And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll disown you.
Good night, doogie.
Good night.
Aah Aah.
Hi, doogie.
Cut! Cut.
Can you help with these? Where does my script say "victim helps mother with groceries before being dismembered?" Hello, Wanda.
Is that chain saw safe? Of course No chain.
Boys, I need a little room.
We'll just finish this scene.
This is the climactic moment when our hero is sliced, diced, and promptly refrigerated.
Sure, laugh.
Revenge of the teenage dead will make other horror films look like nursery rhymes.
I'll be considered the godfather of Gore, the sultan of revoltin', the king of cadavers.
Hey, what's taking so long? Janine, baby, you got to be patient.
I've been waiting forever.
I'm sick of holding this stupid chain saw.
This mask is giving me zits.
But you're the star! Soon the name "Janine" will strike fear in the hearts of millions, like Jason and Freddy.
Oh, yeah A dream come true.
All right.
I'll arrange for you to sleep with the director.
That'd be your dream come true.
What do you kids find so fascinating about these ridiculous slasher films? Oh, hi, dear.
I didn't hear you come in.
Gregory, you'll graduate summa cum laude with majors in chemistry molecular biology.
Your academic record qualifies you for any medical school in America.
Why did you apply to southwest? Well, Dr.
forrest, your questions requires a twofold response First, I greatly admire your faculty, and secondly, I plan on specializing in endocrinology, and your laboratory facilities are state-of-the-art.
Then there's the dorm's proximity to sunset beach.
That would be convenient.
I dabble in marine biology.
Recently, at the scripps institute, I studied algae symbiosis.
One final question, Gregory You've told us Quite eloquently Why you've chosen southwest.
Now tell us why we should choose you.
Because I'm the most qualified.
Well I think that about covers it.
Thank you very much, Gregory.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Thank you, Dr.
forrest.
Doctors.
Thanks for your time, Dr.
howser.
I've wanted to meet you since I was a kid.
Call me doogie, Greg.
If you don't mind, i prefer Gregory.
Stuart and I feel I've outgrown "Greg.
" Stuart? My father.
How long will you and, uh, Stuart, be here? Two weeks.
Definitely check out magic mountain.
There's this new ride Viper.
It's unbelievable.
I doubt I'll have a chance.
Stuart and I are spending all my time observing eastman.
It must be a drag coming to L.
A.
And hanging out with your dad.
Actually, I enjoy it.
We read, attend lectures, play chess Sounds pretty wild.
Well, we do enjoy ourselves.
Uh-huh.
I must say, David, you've set a fine example.
Douglas is quite an accomplishment.
Well, thank you, Stuart.
We've certainly tried.
Don't be modest.
As parents of gifted children, it's our responsibility to make sure that their god-given talents aren't squandered in youth.
You've created a Not many men can say that.
Well, to be honest, i can't say it either.
Douglas became a doctor on his own.
I actually think that Katherine's and my greatest accomplishment will be surviving his teens.
Don't get cocky, dad, you still have three years to go.
All right, I've got rocky road and chocolate chip.
I'm sorry, Katherine.
We should have mentioned it earlier.
Gregory and i don't eat sugar.
Right, Gregory? Right.
Too much glucose leads to hyperactivity, and can affect concentration.
Right? Right.
Oh.
Huh.
Nice system.
I've got a compatible with 40 megabytes.
You ever played the flight simulator? Stuart feels games take up too much memory.
Doog, it's over.
I'm dead meat.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done! Who's the kid? Vinnie delpino, Gregory pelzman.
How you doing? Look, I got a major crisis Janine walked! She wants to be one of the teenage dead.
She wants to be hacked to pieces, just like everybody else.
Relax, Vinnie.
We'll just find someone else.
Vinnie's making a slasher movie.
It's not merely that.
It's a statement about life, about angst-ridden teens and their struggle to overcome parental oppression.
Picture rebel without a cause meets Texas chain saw massacre.
I'm not familiar with your references.
I consider movie-going a waste of time.
Get out.
He's joking, right? Would you excuse me? Talk about your teenage dead.
What a stiff.
Yeah, he's no barrel of laughs.
Gregory's applied to southwest medical school.
I'm supposed to spend time with him, then make a recommendation.
I'd recommend him to get a life.
Dr.
howser, may I borrow some floss? Uh, yeah, help yourself And call me doogie.
This kid is scary.
I'm outta here.
Was that the longest night of our lives or what? I mean, could you believe those two? I didn't know whether to feel sorry for the kid or beat him with a stick.
And his father Doogie, raising a prodigy isn't as easy as it looks.
I can remember spending a lot of sleepless nights wishing you were just a little more average.
Yeah, but Stuart's got him programmed like a robot.
At least you let me alone to do what I wanted.
Well, not exactly, Douglas.
Remember, you wanted to join the debate team, and we enrolled you in the cub scouts? Or when you wanted to take that summer school calculus course, but we made you go to camp chipmunk.
Do I.
Chipmunks, chipmunks, chipmunks we running, playing and living free I will never forgive you guys for that.
Oh, honey, your father and i just wanted you to enjoy life, and not bury yourself in your books.
And luckily, we got some unexpected help in that area.
Katherine.
What? Doogie, the point is, we wanted you to have some balance.
When you decided to go to medical school, we were satisfied you weren't gonna wake up one day and regret the choice you'd made.
Yeah, but Gregory doesn't have a clue.
How am I gonna recommend him when he doesn't know what he's giving up? He's never had a chance just to be a kid.
You'd think in a city of 10 million people, I could find one maniacal killer.
What's wrong with you? What do you think? Look at him.
He's calculating the nutritional value of everything.
This kid won't lighten up.
Here, check this out.
This is a type-written itinerary of our weekend together.
He's even scheduled an 8:05 meeting to discuss the schedule.
Wait a minute.
I got a brainstorm.
Suddenly I feel a rewrite coming on.
Forget it.
He would never do it.
Come on.
It's the perfect twist.
Who'd suspect an egghead kid? Hello, Vinnie.
Doog, I'm telling you.
He's got that certain something.
Look at this this face.
He's the one.
He's got it.
Got what? Who cares if he doesn't know movies.
He must be a quick study.
You're a genius, right? Yes, but I think I see what you're saying.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, but but I'm sure he wouldn't be interested.
No.
No, he'd never do it.
Do what? Oh, no.
Vinnie was just suggesting that you would be perfect for Dr.
Hyde, the brilliant medical mind that stars in my film.
Really? Me? There's a precedent for this.
Dr.
Jonas salk was very big in dinner theater.
Well, it does sound somewhat interesting, but Dr.
howser and I are scheduled to observe a laparoscopic gall bladder operation at 2:15.
I think we can arrange a change.
Aah! Excuse me.
How will i ever catch her if she's running and I'm limping? Cut! I don't see why i would eat the foot.
The heart or liver's more nutritional.
Cut! Cut! Gregory, babe.
You're a cannibal.
Cannibals aren't finicky eaters.
Got a minute? We're going to be here all night.
Not if we kill him first.
I've had enormous cold sores that were less annoying than that kid.
Get rid of him.
I can't.
Whether Gregory realizes it or not, he needs this.
Doog.
All right.
I'll talk to him.
What are you doing? Dr.
howser, I'm not what Vinnie's looking for.
I don't mean to insult you, but it seems frivolous.
Exactly.
It's called goofing off.
It's one of the perks of being a kid, and call me doogie.
Well, Stuart wouldn't approve of me goofing off.
Let me make this simple.
You want to go to southwest? It's my call.
I'll make a deal with you.
Forget anything anyone's told you about who you're supposed to be and just listen to Vinnie.
I don't think that Trust me on this.
You're about to learn one of the most important tools needed in medical school, how to veg out.
Ok, Dr.
how Doogie.
Good eyeballs.
Cue the zombies! Good, good.
Beautiful, Gregory.
Beautiful.
Show us your stumps, doog.
Don't scratch your ear.
The dead don't itch.
All right, Greg.
You're scared for your life.
Act scared, Gregory.
Good, good.
Oh, this is gorgeous.
Now tear him limb from limb.
Struggle to survive, Gregory.
Hey, watch where you're throwing that liver.
Who's got the brain? It's coming.
Good, good.
Your boring life is flashing before your eyes.
O.
K.
, die.
Die already! Cut! That was beautiful, kid.
I was truly moved.
I'm sorry.
I need a moment alone.
All right, Greg.
Good job.
You were fantastic.
O.
K.
, that's a wrap.
Let's eat.
Yeah.
This is really great.
Want some whip cream on your pizza? You pig.
Children, children.
What's the matter with you? Are you happy now? Get that.
Hello? Oh, uh, hi, Mr.
pelzman.
Yeah.
Yeah, just a second.
Hello, Stuart.
Great.
Well, actually I think I'm going go be a little late getting back.
The gall bladder operation? I didn't go.
Um, but I did see an amputation.
What I'm saying is the last few days, I saw another side of him.
Now I'm confident Gregory will do fine at southwest.
I'm curious, Dr.
howser.
What exactly is this other side? I want to file a complaint against this kid.
Mr.
pelzman, I'm sorry.
This is a private meeting.
Your esteemed colleague spent the weekend attempting to undermine my son's admission.
That is not true.
The hell it isn't.
He dragged him out of the hospital, fed him junk food, and talked him out of school.
Douglas.
He didn't talk me out of anything.
I told you to wait outside.
Doogie didn't do anything.
All we did was have fun.
He told me about being a teenager, about parties, girls, kissing with tongues.
I just don't want medical school right now.
You don't know what you want.
I believe that he influenced you.
You're going to hear from my lawyer.
The premiere of my first movie, and I'm sweating through my cummerbund.
I pity the next guy who rents this tux.
It will be great.
Hi, doogie.
Gregory.
Mr.
pelzman.
Glad you made it.
Wouldn't miss this for the world.
Are we late? Just starting.
Come on, dad.
I'll be right there.
Douglas, i want to apologize for my behavior the other day.
You do? I was too angry to listen to what Gregory was saying.
Though I admit I'm still disappointed in what's happened, I love my son.
You helped Gregory regain something I hadn't realized he'd lost His childhood.
Almost.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
I'm on a diet.
He's a great kid, Mr.
pelzman.
He'll make a great doctor.
Come on.
It's going to start.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the world premiere of the revenge of the teenage dead.
I must warn you you may not be prepared for the horror you are about to witness.
And now, brace yourselves for the ultimate in terror.
My name is biff Harris.
The story I'm about to tell you is true.
If it wasn't, I wouldn't be dead.
It all started two weeks ago with my friends Pete and Mary sue.
Aah! How did he get into the house? That answer your question? Don't give up, Pete.
Get off, sue.
Get off.
It's coming! We're going to die.
For once in her life, Mary sue was right.
Stop it, Mary sue.
Get hold of yourself.
Aah aah aah! I'm sorry, Pete.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
It's coming.
We are going to die.
Aah aah aah! It looked like the end for Pete and Mary sue, but there are no rules for the undead.
The teenage zombies could not control their blood lust.
Every parent was on the menu.
You o.
K.
? O.
K.
? I'm ruined.
My career hasn't even started, and it's already over.
I think you're overreacting a bit.
Listen to that.
They're in there laughing At me.
Charlie chaplin once said, anyone can make them cry.
It takes a genius to make them laugh.
So what you're suggesting here is I'm a genius.
In a manner of speaking, yeah.
All week long, you talked about being the next Hitchcock or Stephen king, but you're not going to be one of those guys, 'cause you're unique.
What you created in there is Is a delpino.
Maybe you're right.
My work does have a certain delpinoesque quality.
Listen to that.
They love me.
I may have created my own genre a horroromedy.
People will laugh their heads off literally.
They'll pay an arm and leg.
Goodnight, son.
Goodnight, doogie.
Mom, dad, the other night you said you got some unexpected help making sure I grew up ok.
What were you talking about? Douglas, as you can imagine, Vinnie wasn't exactly my first choice as your best friend, or my second for that matter But, uh, no one could bring out the child in you like Vincent delpino, and in retrospect, he was a godsend.
And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll disown you.
Good night, doogie.
Good night.