Doug (1991) s02e08 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
( whimpering )
( crying out )
Doug:
IN ALL MY DAYS
AT THE BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL
I NEVER THOUGH
I'D SEE ROGER STOOP TO THIS.
( screaming )
FUNNIE, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
IF YOU HELP ME OU
THIS TIME
I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE
I'LL NEVER DO A ROTTEN THING
TO YOU AGAIN.
( gasps )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
IT ALL STARTED
THE OTHER DAY BEFORE SCHOOL.
Mr. Bone:
Attention, students.
Some of you may have heard
there will be a new addition
to our school today--
my nephew, Percy Femur.
I expect you all to treat Percy
like you would any new student
who happens to be my nephew.
I REMEMBER HOW ROUGH IT WAS
BEING THE NEW KID.
WE OUGHT TO FORM
A WELCOMING COMMITTEE.
I THINK ROGER'S
ALREADY DOING THAT.
EXTRA LARGE SPIT WADS.
DUH CHECK.
BURPING LUNCH TRAY.
( loud burp )
DISINTEGRATING HOMEWORK PAPER.
CHECK.
HURRY UP WITH THOSE
WATER BALLOONS, WOULD YOU?
PERCY'S GOING TO HAVE I
BAD ENOUGH
BEING MR. BONE'S NEPHEW
AND ALL
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU FEEL LEFT OUT?
WE JUST THOUGHT
YOU TWO ARE BREAKING
MY HEART.
( panting: )
HEY, ROGER
I JUST SAW PERCY AND,
AND, AND HE'S, HE'S
HE'S HERE-- GREAT!
I'VE GOT TO GIVE LITTLE PERCY
A BIG, WET HELLO.
HE'S HUGE!
YO, MY NAME'S FEMUR
PERCY FEMUR.
I'M KLOTZ, ROGER KLOTZ.
SAY, IS THIS FOR ME?
WELL, UH NO.
WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?
YOU KNOW WHAT, KLOTZ?
I CAN SEE THAT THIS
IS THE BEGINNING
OF A BEAUTIFUL
RELATIONSHIP.
OOPS!
( groaning )
THERE YOU
ARE, PERCY.
HEY, UNCLE LAMARR.
I WAS JUST MEETING
SOME OF THE LOCAL KIDS.
THAT'S FINE, PERCY.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
MAKING FRIENDS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOU, MR. KLOTZ?
YOU RUNNING A FEVER?
UH JUST HOT, I GUESS.
HMM.
HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR UNCLE LAMARR?
WE'RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS.
FRIENDS TO THE END.
( laughs weakly )
MAN! AND I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT ROGER PICKING ON PERCY.
PERCY SURE CAN TAKE
CARE OF HIMSELF.
NOW ROGER WILL
FIND OUT WHA
IT FELT LIKE
ALL THOSE TIMES
HE BULLIED US.
( croaking )
Doug:
IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY
GOT HIM AT HIS OWN GAME.
HEY, ROGER, THERE'S
A SIGN ON YOUR BACK.
YEAH, I KNOW.
HEY, ROGER, YOU GOT A SIGN
ON YOUR BACK.
CAN IT.
Percy:
HEY, KLOTZ,
HEADS UP!
HUH?
YUCK!
JUMBO SIZE.
YEAH, GOOD ONE, PERCY.
WAIT, KLOTZ, ALLOW ME.
THAT'S ALL RIGH
PERCY
( sputtering )
( Roger coughing
and sputtering )
OH, HEY, UNCLE LAMARR.
HOW'S IT GOING?
KEEPING OU
OF TROUBLE?
OF COURSE, UNCLE LAMARR.
THAT'S GOOD.
OOH, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD SEE THE NURSE
ABOUT THAT SWEATING.
YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?
AT FIRST I THOUGH
WHAT PERCY WAS DOING
WAS JUST WHAT ROGER
HAD COMING.
HUH?
IF YOU SQUEAL
TO UNCLE LAMARR
YOU'LL BE EATING
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
EVERY DAY FOR LUNCH.
GOT IT, KLOTZ?
GOT IT.
BUT THE MORE I SAW
THE MORE I DIDN'T LIKE.
( groaning )
( groans )
OH, HI, PERCY.
NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?
( mumbling )
MAYBE ROGER CAN BE ANNOYING
BUT MR. BONE'S NEPHEW
WAS JUST PLAIN MEAN.
PERCY WOULDN'T QUIT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ROGER
PSST FUNNIE!
YEAH?
DO YOU SEE PERCY AROUND?
NO.
GREAT-- NOT THA
I'M AFRAID OF HIM.
WHY DON'T YOU
TELL MR. BONE
ABOUT WHAT PERCY'S
DOING TO YOU?
DO YOU THINK BONE WOULD BELIEVE
ANYTHING ROTTEN I SAID
ABOUT HIS PRECIOUS NEPHEW?
Percy:
HEY, KLOTZ!
OH, GREAT.
KLOTZ, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN HIDING?
HEY, NICE FOLIAGE, BUT I THINK
IT MIGHT NEED SOME PRUNING.
OH, HEY, LOOK, PERCY,
YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.
WHA?
YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU
CAN'T HIDE, KLOTZ.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
HA HA HA!
YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT.
I WAS REALLY STARTING
TO FEEL SORRY FOR ROGER.
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL
PERCY DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME.
SAY, KLOTZ, YOU WAN
A HURTS DONUT?
SURE, PERCY, WHY NOT?
YAAAOW!
HURTS, DON'T IT?
GET IT?
OUCH!
THAT WAS MY NOSE,
YOU BIG GOON.
UH-OH.
NOBODY, BUT NOBODY,
CALLS ME A GOON.
HEY, LOOK,
HERE COMES THE CIRCUS.
WHERE, WHA?
( all gasping )
( panting )
PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU GO
TO HIDE ME, FUNNIE.
PERCY'S GOING TO CREAM ME.
GO TO MR. BONE.
HE'LL MURDER ME
WORSE IF I DO.
Percy:
KLOTZ
HELP ME, FUNNIE, PLEASE.
I COULDN'T JUST LEAVE HIM
TO BE CLOBBERED BY PERCY.
ROGER, SHUT UP.
HEY, WHAT THE?
( mumbling )
WHERE'S KLOTZ?
WAIT, PERCY.
BEAT IT, SHRIMP.
I GOT TO CREAM KLOTZ.
"CREAM KLOTZ," THAT'S GOOD.
IT SOUNDS LIKE
WHAT WE HAD
FOR LUNCH, DOESN'T IT?
PERCY, I WAS JUST THINKING--
DON'T YOU GET TIRED OF
PICKING ON ROGER ALL THE TIME?
( growling )
WELL, LOOK AT I
THIS WAY.
LET'S SAY
ARE YOU SAYING
I SHOULD LAY OFF KLOTZ?
I WELL YES.
LITTLE SHRIMP, YOU'RE RIGHT--
NO MORE PICKING ON KLOTZ.
( laughing )
FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING
TO CONCENTRATE ON YOU.
ME?
YEAH, SHRIMP,
YOU GOT A BIG MOUTH.
( bell ringing )
AFTER SCHOOL,
3:00, PLAYGROUND.
I'M GOING TO GIVE KLOTZ'S
CLOBBERING TO YOU.
AND YOU BETTER
SHOW UP, SHRIMP
OR I'LL COME
LOOKING FOR YOU.
GEE, FUNNIE, THANKS.
WELL, SEE YOU AROUND.
OH, GREAT-- NOW PERCY'S
GOING TO MAKE ME INTO
A SHRIMP CASSEROLE.
ROGER AND HIS GANG
HIGH-TAILED IT OUT OF HERE
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
AT LEAST YOU STUCK WITH ME.
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
DOUG, AFTER PERCY
DESTROYS YOU
DO YOU WANT PLAIN BANDAGES
OR THE ONES WITH LITTLE BUNNIES?
Percy:
YO, SHRIMP.
WELL, IT'S BEEN NICE
KNOWING YOU, SKEETER.
PERCY, DON'T YOU THINK
THIS IS STUPID
FOR US TO FIGHT OVER NOTHING?
AIN'T GOING TO BE NO FIGHTING.
IT'S GOING TO BE A MASSACRE.
( laughing )
CAN'T WE HANDLE THIS
SOME OTHER WAY?
HOW ABOUT CHECKERS
OR A GAME OF HORSESHOES
OR TIC-TAC-TOE?
NOPE.
OH, LOOK,
IT'S YOUR UNCLE LAMARR.
SORRY, SHRIMP,
NOT THIS TIME.
( gasps )
UNCLE LAMARR!
SO MR. KLOTZ
WAS RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT,
MR. TOUGH GUY
THE PARTY'S
OVER.
I'M SENDING YOU
BACK TO YOUR OLD
SCHOOL, P.D.Q.!
BUT BUT UNCLE LAMARR
I WAS JUS
PLAYING WITH HIM.
NO BUTS, MISTER,
LET'S GO.
YOU'RE FROM BAD SEED,
YOU KNOW THAT?
WHEW!
YOU OKAY, FUNNIE?
THAT WAS CLOSE.
YEAH-- ROGER, YOU SAID
PERCY WOULD KILL YOU
IF YOU WENT TO MR. BONE.
DID YOU THINK
I'D LET YOU GET CREAMED?
WELL
HECK, NO, I WOULDN'
NOT UNLESS I WAS
DOING THE CREAMING.
GET IT?
THAT'S A JOKE.
OH, COME ON,
LOOSEN UP, FUNNIE.
LET'S GO DOWN
TO THE HONKER BURGER
FOR SOME SHAKES--
YOUR TREAT.
THINGS ARE GOING
TO BE DIFFEREN
AROUND HERE FROM NOW ON.
ROGER, I THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT.
And that's The Wide World
Of Permanent Records.
Back to the news desk--
Lamarr?
Thank you, Lamarr.
That's it for the news.
Until tomorrow, I'm Assistant
Principal Lamarr Bone saying:
Don't mess up!
OH, BROTHER,
WHAT A LOON.
Doug:
SCHOOL HASN'T BEEN THE SAME
SINCE MR. BONE STARTED
HIS OWN ONE-MAN TV SHOW.
MAN, I THOUGH
WATCHING TV IN
SCHOOL WOULD BE FUN.
YEAH, THIS MAKES
MATH CLASS SEEM
LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
( all gasp )
I HEARD THAT, FUNNIE.
SO? YOU DON'T LIKE
MY NEWS PROGRAM, EH?
WELL
YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO BETTER
YOURSELF?
WHY, THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT CHALLENGE
FOR OUR CLASS
TO WORK AS A TEAM.
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, CLASS?
ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD AND TRY.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
IT WAS A LOT OF WORK,
BUT EVERYBODY PITCHED IN.
AND THE BEST PART WAS
PATTI AND I WERE CHOSEN
TO BE THE ANCHORPERSONS.
TOP STORY TODAY: THE CHARMING
AND WITTY DOUG FUNNIE ASKS
AN UNSUSPECTING PATTI
MAYONNAISE FOR A DATE.
Doug!
WELL, HOW ABOUT IT, PATTI?
YOU AND ME, TONIGHT-- MAGIC.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.
( giggling: )
Doug, you're
embarrassing me.
DOUG, DOUG, GET READY.
WE'RE ABOUT TO GO ON.
( clears throat )
( kids imitating teletype )
Connie:
LIVE FROM MRS. WINGO'S CLASS,
IT'S THE NEWS AT NOON
with anchorpersons Doug Funnie
and Patti Mayonnaise
Skeeter Valentine
with the weather
Chuckie Studebaker with sports
shopping reporter Beebe Bluff
and "A Few Minutes"
with Roger Klotz.
I'M PATTI MAYONNAISE.
And I'm Doug Funnie.
Somebody barfed
in the cafeteria today
WE GOT OFF TO A GREAT START.
I JUST KNEW OUR NEWS SHOW
WOULD BE A BIG HIT.
Doug, there's a great fumblitis
game going on out here.
No telling who'll get it next.
Whoa!
What weather!
One minute it's raining, the
next the sun's shining-- Patti?
Keep us posted
on any further developments.
WILL DO, PATTI.
YOURS TRULY
HAS A BIRTHDAY COMING UP
AND HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN BUY ME:
A NEW ICE-SKATING OUTFIT, LOTS
AND LOTS OF SHOES, SIZE FOUR
a 73-inch color TV,
lots of cash of course
a cruise to my own island
THIS ISN'T NEWS,
THIS IS NONSENSE.
I'M NOT GOING TO SI
AND WATCH THIS DRIVEL.
NO, OVER THERE.
GO TO ROGER.
YOU KNOW WHAT GRIPES ME?
HOMEWORK AND TESTS
AND TEACHERS CALLING ON YOU
WHEN YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.
THAT REALLY GRIPES ME.
TOMORROW WE'LL HAVE
A SURPRISE TRIBUTE
TO THE PERSON WHO INSPIRED US
TO MAKE THIS PROGRAM.
UNTIL THEN, I'M DOUG FUNNIE
AND I'M PATTI MAYONNAISE.
SEE YA
SEE YA!
( whirring )
CUT!
THAT'S A RAP.
WE DID IT, EVERYBODY.
THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING,
DON'T YOU?
YOU PEOPLE HAVE
A LOT TO LEARN
ABOUT PUTTING ON
A TELEVISION SHOW.
DON'T WORRY, DOUG.
HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND
WHEN HE SEES
ALL THE HARD WORK
WE PUT INTO OUR
SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HIM.
LOOK, HERE THEY ARE!
WE SAW YOU ON TV.
HUH?
HUH?
HOW COME NO ONE'S
CROWDING AROUND ME?
YOU'RE NOT THE STAR.
DOUG AND PATTI
MAKE A GREAT TEAM.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT GRIPES ME?
PEOPLE WHO DON'T RESPEC
THEIR SUPERIORS--
SUPERIORS LIKE ASSISTAN
PRINCIPAL LAMARR BONE.
HUH?
WHAT'S ROGER UP TO?
Sure, he's strict
but somebody's got
to enforce the rules.
Without Mr. Bone,
oh, I'd be lost.
HMM MAYBE I MISJUDGED
THAT KLOTZ BOY.
HE'S GOT A LOT ON THE BALL.
ALL BY MYSELF, ME, I
HAVE PREPARED A SPECIAL TRIBUTE
TO VICE-PRINCIPAL LAMARR BONE.
LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
WE MADE THAT TRIBUTE.
Roger:
Lamarr Bone,
mere man or mammoth myth?
Little did baby Lamarr know
that when this adorable picture
was taken
a great future lay before him
( gasps and whispers )
And so concludes my personal
tribute to a great man
Vice-Principal Bone:
A man with a mission,
a man with a destiny.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!
A man who has yodeled his way
into our hearts.
THANKS, ROGER.
CAN I HAVE
MY CHAIR BACK?
NO PROBLEM, FUNNIE.
DON'T FORGET THESE.
IN OTHER NEWS
"MR. BONE WEARS
PINK UNDERWEAR."
PINK UNDERWEAR?
DOUG!
"DOUG FUNNIE,
PLEASE REPOR
TO THE ASSISTAN
PRINCIPAL'S
OFFICE, P.D.Q."
( gulps )
AND THIS JUST IN.
"EVERYBODY'S OFF THE SHOW
EXCEPT FOR ROGER AND MR. BONE."
( whistling )
THAT'S SHOW BIZ.
MISTER, YOU'RE
GOING TO LEARN
ABOUT A JOURNALIST'S
RESPONSIBILITY.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH THAT STORY.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU WORE PINK UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T!
AND YOU'LL WRITE THA
ON THE BLACKBOARD
5,000 TIMES!
THAT'LL TAKE ME FOREVER.
WELL, MR. BONE, IT TOOK ME 60
YEARS, BUT I FINALLY FINISHED.
NOT SO FAST, FUNNIE.
NOW YOU CAN DO
THE OTHER SIDE.
OH, NO!
( laughing )
DON'T GET WRITER'S
CRAMP, FUNNIE.
YOU'VE GO
A LONG WAY TO GO.
IT'S YOUR FAUL
WE LOST OUR TV SHOW.
THIS IS MY SHOW NOW, FUNNIE.
I DON'T NEED
THE REST OF YOU LOSERS.
I'M THE STAR.
( laughing )
Mr. Bone:
That's it for the news.
Remember: a sharpened number-two
pencil is always your friend.
You got a point there,
Mr. Bone.
Good one, Roger.
( laughs )
OOH, WHAT A LOSER.
Roger:
Mr. Bone, you know how
to make news
not only educational,
but fun.
OH, BROTHER.
HE'S BUTTERING UP
MR. BONE
SO HE CAN HAVE
HIS OWN SHOW.
MAYBE WE COULD
BUTTER UP MR. BONE
BY BUYING HIM
A PRESENT.
NAH, YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN WE MADE
THAT TRIBUTE.
ROGER TOOK
THE CREDIT.
YEAH, IF WE GO
BONE A PRESEN
ROGER WOULD SAY
IT WAS FROM HIM.
YEAH.
THAT'S IT, PATTI!
THAT'S WHAT?
WHAT'D I SAY?
HUDDLE UP.
HEY, FUNNIE,
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
JUST A PRESEN
FOR MR. BONE
TO SHOW HIM
NO HARD FEELINGS.
I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.
NO, WAIT, ROGER,
DON'T.
PUT IT BACK,
YOU BIG BULLY
Mr. Bone:
That's it for the news.
Here's a token
of my appreciation
for all you've taught me
about journalism.
A PRESENT?
FOR ME?
WHAT IS IT?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
I MEAN OPEN IT.
Of course,
it cost me a bundle.
HUH?
Roger:
But what's money
where you're concerned?
IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF
A JOKE, MR. KLOTZ?
HEY, HEY, I DIDN'T
A TOKEN OF YOUR APPRECIATION?
Detention,
on the double!
Roger:
But, Mr. Bone
AND SO ROGER FINALLY GO
WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM
AND MRS. WINGO TOLD MR. BONE
WHO REALLY DID
THAT SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HIM.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, PEOPLE,
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
THERE, THERE,
MR. BONE.
I JUST WANTED YOU
TO SEE
WHAT A GREAT TEAM
CAN ACCOMPLISH.
IN FACT, I BET MR. BONE
WOULD LOVE TO HAVE
SUCH A GREAT TEAM
WORKING WITH HIM.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
HUH?
OF COURSE, THAT WAS
THE PLAN ALL ALONG.
WHAT ARE YOU
STANDING AROUND FOR?
WE GOT A SHOW TO DO.
All:
ALL RIGHT! YEAH!
RIGHT ON, MR. BONE!
WELL, I GUESS DOING THE SHOW
WITH MR. BONE
WAS BETTER THAN NO SHOW AT ALL.
THANK YOU, MOSQUITO.
AND NOW FOR
A SPECIAL SEGMEN
I LIKE TO CALL
"CRIME AND PUNISHMENT"
we take you behind the scenes
at detention hall.
GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF HERE!
SCRAM! BEAT IT!
WHAT IS THIS,
THE PRISON CHANNEL?
GET OUT OF HERE!