Duck Dynasty (2012) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Competitio All right, look.
It's coming back on.
Well, he talks kinda funny - This is all right here.
- Yeah, I like that.
- Music stop.
- listen to Mountain Man.
Mountain Man on radio: Hey there, West Monroe.
I'd like to welcome y'all to the Mountain Man Show.
Will be here with you for a little while.
Jase: Here's a guy who gets paid to talk slow.
His name is Mountain Man.
Jase: This is an outdoors show.
It's more like a stand-up comedy routine.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
Mountain Man's got a great show.
Mountain Man: I think some rain's coming in.
My knee's swelling.
He's forecasting weather by his knee.
Hey, your knee hurts-- okay, it's fixin' to rain.
Turning blue-- means cold outside.
Get back inside, Jack.
- Here you go.
Listen.
- We're gonna have a real expert-- Willie Robertson from Duck Commander ( laughing ) When did Willie become an expert? Willie ain't an expert at nothin'.
Except being a party pooper.
He's pooped more parties than any man I know.
They got Willie the expert? Why not let me tag along, too? Si, there's no way Willie's gonna let you go on there with him.
I'm just gonna get in the truck.
- ( laughing ) - This is gonna be awesome! Godwin: You can't spell radio without S-I.
- Jase: Can I buy an S? - ( laughing ) ( music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S02E08 Good Morning, West Monroe == - ( blows duck call ) - What's up, guys? - ( burps ) - I got-- - Jep: Excuse me.
- ( chuckles ) If it comes up again, we'll vote on it.
You got those Burnt Hedges? Grant said he gave the order.
I am in the process ( mimics Mountain Man ) of making the Burnt Hedges.
- That's gonna take a while.
- Jase, I ain't got time for this crap.
Mr.
Robertson, being an expert in the outdoors, what do you think's the most dangerous game on the planet? - Oh, I get it.
- ( laughing ) - Anything? Anything? - I'm doing a radio show.
So what? Jase: Willie thinks this is some kind of spotlight.
So he can show off his vast knowledge of the outdoors.
People listen to that to laugh.
Nobody's listening to it to hear some talk on the outdoors.
- Now they will.
- This is not an outdoors show.
It's a comedy.
- Hey, I'm gonna go with you.
- Good idea right there.
Hey, Tonto.
I don't need a sidekick.
Hey, I used to be a radio man in Nam.
- What station were you on? - Hey, I was on WNAM.
W-Nam? Willie: It seems that as Si's gotten older, his whole war experience has grown right along with him.
By the time he dies, he's gonna have fought the whole thing single-handedly.
- You just made that up.
- I didn't make that up.
That was the radio station.
- What the W stand for? - Hey, we had a war going on in Nam.
- So, hey, we named it WNAM.
- ( laughing ) I gotta draw you boys a picture on everything! You remember the movie "Good Morning, Vietnam"? Hey, I was good afternoon, Vietnam.
It was probably my idea that made him famous.
Okay? He's ridin' on my back.
Fine.
You can go with me.
- All right.
- Mm.
This is gonna be good.
Don't touch anything.
Don't say anything.
You're not going on the radio.
- You'll never know I'm there.
- I think it's a good idea.
That's a terrible idea! This will be the most anticipated radio show ever.
Get the calls made, all right? ( all mimic Mountain Man ) We'll get right on that.
- Martin: He gone.
- ( laughing ) ( rooster crows ) Jase: Everybody's fired up about the Olympics.
They need to have a redneck Olympics.
Lookie there.
See, Godwin could enter the contest for wheelbarrowing.
- Yup.
- That's good.
Jase: I'm not too excited about doing yard work, but my wife is putting the pressure on me to spruce up our yard.
You gonna put this in bags? Leaves are not supposed to go in bags.
God gave us the greatest instrument in the world for leaves.
- Fire.
- If I'm gonna work that hard getting leaves out of my yard oh, I'm gonna see a show.
Jep: Oh, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
One of the most exciting sounds to a redneck is whoosh! Y'all, I think this is gonna burn the whole neighborhood down.
He put a lot of gas on it.
Jep: This is really not a good idea.
- Jase.
- Hey, babe.
- What are you doing? - I'm burning leaves.
Why when I ask you to fix up the yard, does it always entail something burning or you destroying something? - Babe, there's a-- - Missy: Jason, right now, - my main concern is the neighbors.
- Well Last time they complained.
- Look.
They're just driving by.
- ( horn honks ) - Oh, I know.
- Hey.
They saw the smoke.
We sent out a smoke signal.
Jep: Get you a couple hot dogs and come on, man.
- Jep, please.
- Hey, they may want to roast a wiener.
Jase: As soon as the fire starts, it's all the whispering and murmuring.
You burn some leaves in the yard and everybody's like, "Hey, they're burning leaves.
They're burning leaves.
" Then everybody comes by.
They're sending out smoke signals.
- Jase.
- They're crazy.
There's a bearded man starting a fire in his yard.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna get in trouble again with the homeowners' association - if you do not put this fire out.
- Huh? Remember whenever you skinned the deer? I skin one little deer.
Off the back of his truck in the front yard.
You would have thought the world was coming to an end.
Right when the neighbors' school bus was dropping their kids off.
Jase: Just because I'm skinning a deer in my yard and some kids come by and see it-- now all of a sudden they're having nightmares? Just because they see the carcass of a deer that I'm gonna eat - Guts everywhere.
- they're now traumatized? They ran screaming towards their house and, yes, I got a phone call just about a half an hour later.
Maybe you should skin some of your animals in front of your kids so they're not so traumatized.
It's my yard.
If I want to skin a deer right here, - I can skin a deer right here.
- Okay, look.
I have got to go, so why don't you just go ahead and clean this stuff up before we get in trouble? Hey, by the way, you look smokin' hot.
A lot hotter than this fire.
That helps just a little.
You really look good, babe.
( whistles ) Jep: Whoo! You lit a fire under her, Jase.
Jase: Whoo! I'm telling you.
There's nothing like a hot woman that's hot.
I wish I had some wienies or marshmallows or something.
- You can say that again.
- I wish I had some wienies or marshmallows or something.
You can say that again.
Godwin: Okay.
I wish I had some wienies or marshmallows or something.
Jase: Keep 'em coming, Godwin.
Godwin: I can do it all day long.
Woman: Hi, can I help you? Yeah, we're here to see Gary with the Mountain Man Show.
- What's your name? - Willie-- - Willie Robertson.
- Okay.
( bell dings ) - And his Uncle Si.
- Okay.
Si: Me and bells have always had a thing.
- Whenever I get around one, hey, something takes over.
- ( bell dinging ) There's nothing I can do about it.
Woman: Gary, I have Willie Robertson and Si here to see you.
I can't help it.
Some people have feet fetishes.
Put it out of my way.
- I got a bell fetish.
Live with it.
- ( bell dings ) - Hey, guys.
I'm Gary.
- Hey, Gary.
How you doing? Willie Robertson.
- Hey, Willie.
Good to see you.
- I'm here for-- - I'm his Uncle Si.
- Oh, hi, Si.
Let me let you in here.
- I told you to quit touching stuff.
- Hey, I'm trying.
- Jase: Is that a flower bush? - Jep: I think that's roses.
- Jep: But they is not in good shape.
- Whoo! Phil: Got your fence supplies.
And a little surprise for you boys.
Come on.
All right.
Where'd you get them chickens? Well, I'm fixing to try to add a little bit of a flavor - Jackpot.
- to Yuppieville.
I consider it a very positive improvement.
- Oh, I'll take them chickens.
- ( chicken clucks ) Chickens.
We'll corral them to the backyard.
- I'll let them free-graze.
- Free-range chicken.
- ( chicken clucks ) - Jase: I'll tell you what.
Boy, you talk about in good shape.
Jase: Chickens look slow and we know they're dumb.
But chickens are quite challenging to corral.
Godwin: There you go.
Get him, get him, get him.
Y'all don't let them outsmart you now.
Jase: We're herding chickens.
Keep that dog on a leash.
Phil: When you see a bunch of grown men chasing chickens around the subdivision, I would say America is making a comeback.
I gotta be honest.
I'm scared to grab a hold of one.
( laughing ) Hey, Willie.
Let me get you set up.
You just speak right into that.
One, one, one, one, one.
What are you sounding like that for? I've been looking forward to this for a while.
- This is Willie Robertson.
- When I was asked to be on the show, - I took it as an honor.
- All right, Willie.
- You ready to do this? - All right.
I'm ready.
- You ready? - Yup.
All right.
Let's let her rip, tater chip.
Don't say anything.
Si: Willie, it's a radio show and you want me to be quiet-- I can see that.
We're on the air.
Boring.
And we're back with Willie Robertson from the Duck Commander.
How you doing, Mountain Man? It's good to be here.
Doing great, Willie.
Good to have you on the show today.
If anybody wants to call in and talk to Willie or Si, y'all give us a call.
- It's just me.
He's just here.
- ( phone ringing ) Hey, Mountain Man.
We got a call on line one for ya.
Z Country.
This is the Mountain Man Show.
Man: Hey, yeah.
I've got a question for Willie.
What was your best duck hunting season? - Probably hands down like four years ago-- - Hey, I remember the time me and him went and, hey, we didn't kill any ducks and he cried.
- That's not true.
- Sure, it is.
Si: Hey, it's radio.
It's like NASCAR or figure skating.
They only watch it to see the crash.
- He was 19 years old.
- That's lie! - Maybe my eyes were watered.
- No.
You have to give the audience what they want and, look, I'm giving them what they want.
We're not here to talk about me crying.
I wasn't crying.
There was no crying.
- There was no crying.
- Gee, Willie.
- Do you think-- the caller's still on the phone.
- ( laughing ) Now he thinks you're a crybaby, I reckon.
( laughing ) Did I just get zinged by Mountain Man? Well, it looks like we've got another caller on line two here.
How can I help you today? Man #2: I have a question for Si.
- What I'm talkin' 'bout.
- Do you have any other good Willie stories? - Oh, yeah.
- No.
One time he got so mad he threw his shotgun in the water.
- Willie: I'm gonna kill him.
- Hey.
He's telling lies to tons and-- probably 200 people in West Monroe.
- You've never met a president.
- Yeah, I have.
- He gave me a medal.
- Willie: And he's hijacking my segment.
This is my reputation that's on the line.
One time we put blanks in his shotgun.
- What is the deal with this show? - This is a dream.
That's the only explanation.
Godwin, is that you? - Next caller.
- ( dial tone ) There's no way things have gotten this bad this fast in real life.
- This has nothing to do with the outdoors.
- Hey.
We gonna talk hunting or what? Did you ever get any hunting done? ( laughing ) - ( phone ringing ) - What is the deal here? Looks like we got another caller here.
Man #3: Hey, Willie.
I know ducks is your main thing.
When it's not duck season, what's your favorite hobby? That's a great question.
I really like going after feral hogs.
- Get your bow out.
- Si: Hey, I've seen you shoot a bow for the last four or five years-- - You just ain't a bow man.
- You're crazy, dude.
- I'm straight up "Hunger Games" with a bow.
- No, no.
Hey, you go hunting with a bow, you're gonna go hungry.
( bell dings ) - Did you steal that? - Well, that's about all the time we have for today.
Y'all be sure to tune in next week for the Mountain Man Show and see y'all then.
- Si Robertson out.
- ( bell dings ) Willie: You're a disgrace to radio.
( bicycle bell dings ) Jase: Missy wants the yard to look good, but all I care about is it being functional.
- Here you go.
- You got shiners in that thing? - Oh, yeah.
- Phil: Well, good night, Jase.
Now you're getting somewhere.
Jase: The surroundings of this house is 100% organic.
Well, I love to take a dump in the woods.
- That's about as organic as you can get.
- ( laughs ) Wipe your tail with the leaves.
I went organic and green way before organic and green became vogue.
See them ridges right there? That is toilet paper.
You wouldn't want to squat down next to poison ivy or poison oak leaves.
Although large enough to get the job done, it could cause the anal region some misery.
- Phil: Okay.
Here we go.
- Jase: Let's give them a new home.
- Jason.
- Godwin: Oh, yeah.
Hey, how'd the symphony go? Forget the symphony.
Guess who I just got off the phone with.
- Who? - The chairman of the HOA.
What's the HOA? I never even heard of that.
The homeowners' association.
You know, the people that we pay our annual dues to.
We pay them? Jase: You are trying to tell me that there are associations that exist only to tell me what I can and can't do at my house? And then I pay you for that? Are those chickens? Yeah, Phil gave me them chickens.
( chicken clucks ) We can't do that here.
That's part of the reason why they're calling us into a meeting tomorrow night.
Well, you tell them I'll be there.
I look forward to it.
Jase: Sometimes in life you gotta make a stand.
Do I want to? No.
Is it gonna be uncomfortable? Yes.
Is it the right thing to do for the love of my neighborhood? Absolutely.
Babe, I love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm raising four kids instead of three.
Hey, John.
Hey, Jep.
She gone.
- Jase: I'll work that out.
- Phil: Rock on.
Mountain Man: Z Country.
This is the Mountain Man Show.
Si: Hey, I remember the time that me and him went and, hey, we didn't kill any ducks and he cried.
- ( laughing ) - Willie: That's not true.
- That's true.
- That is.
Jase: Since this show has aired, the station keeps replaying it over and over and over.
Si: One time he got so mad, he threw his shotgun in the water.
And we keep listening every time it's on.
- Si: Si Robertson out.
- ( bell dings ) - Willie: You're a disgrace to radio.
- ( laughing ) Si, you said I couldn't shoot a compound bow.
I own like four of them.
I know you own four, but that don't mean you can shoot 'em.
How 'bout I shoot you in the butt? Then you'll think I can shoot it.
Good luck 'cause I ain't got no butt, Jack.
- Ain't that the truth.
- Let's go to the archery range and settle this.
- Archery range? - Martin: Great idea.
Follow me.
Let's settle this like men.
Si: He didn't know about that.
Hey, they got an archery range.
Jase: Hey, we got a conflict, let's solve it.
Si: That's what I'm talkin' about.
- There's an archery range in the warehouse? - That's right.
Pretty impressive, huh? Here's what we're gonna do.
Jase, you can't put an archery range in the back of the warehouse.
- Forget all that.
- What if you shoot somebody? - Jase: There's your equipment.
- Willie: That's my bow.
- Yeah, we borrowed it.
- Jase: Look, if you hit the target, then Si-- his radio career is finished.
We'll just disagree to disagree.
( laughs ) All right.
I disagree to disagree - with what he just said.
- Jase: Wait a minute now.
If Willie misses the target-- Hey, I'm gonna get on the show and tell more stories.
- He can even make some up if he wants.
- Si: That's right.
Hey, I can't wait to see what the big crybaby's gonna do when he misses this target.
He'll be crying for his mama, boys.
Willie, take your mark.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
- ( laughing ) - Boo-hoo-hoo.
Big crocodile tears.
Big ones.
- Jase: Whoo! - Martin: Hammered him.
- ll's-eye.
- Jack.
So he can shoot a bow.
Hey, it still doesn't change the fact he cried like a big baby.
That is a fact, Jack.
- You're out of the radio business.
- Hey, look here.
- We never shook on it, so it doesn't matter.
- Ha! ( laughing ) Y'all gonna put up this archery range.
- This ain't happening in here.
- Yeah, y'all put up the archery range.
- I'm goin' to my own deal.
- ( laughing ) - Good shootin', Willie.
- Jep, hey! - Jep: Gotta make some duck calls.
- I'm docking all your pay.
Jase: Look at all these minivans.
- It's embarrassing.
- Babe, these are our neighbors.
- We wanna get along with them.
We wanna be happy.
- Yeah.
Phil: Yeah, this oughta be exciting.
Yuppie central.
- Man: See what we want to do with that.
- How y'all doing? I'm Jase.
This is my wife Missy.
- Hey.
- My parents Phil and Kay.
I brought a casserole.
- That's great.
- So Well, Mr.
Robertson.
I'm glad you're here.
We're talking about-- when you think about it, it's just burning leaves.
- And we got three chickens.
- Yeah, Mr.
Robertson.
- We'll deal with that at the end of the evening.
- All right.
- That's fine.
- Thank you.
Jase: These people look like zombies.
It looks like aliens have come down and taken away their soul.
They're not moving a muscle.
They're just stiff.
10:00 we need to have the lights off.
Really not a good idea to have yard sales in the neighborhood.
I suggest instead of turkey this year, we-- We have Thanksgiving coming up.
- We need to get our decorations up.
- What's wrong with you? Does anyone have anything they'd like to bring up at this point? Mr.
Robertson? If you'd like to have-- - this is a good time for you-- - All right.
You could make those comments from back there.
That's all right.
We are endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights.
- Amen.
- Life, liberty, - and the pursuit of happiness.
- That's right.
Chickens make me happy.
They get insects, they fertilize your yard, and if anything goes wrong, you can put them in a pot.
- I brought a casserole.
- If I had to live in a neighborhood where I couldn't have at least the right to be free-- I mean, that makes me want to move to Scotland or China.
- Amen.
- Jase: Flush these rules down the commode and let's be creative and put the-- I just-- I mean Trying to tear down some walls here.
Be as it may, Mr.
Robertson.
When you bought your house, you signed this document that said you're not allowed to burn in your yard and you cannot have chickens.
- Jase: They got me.
- All right.
I signed the contract.
I didn't know that was in there.
- We're outta here.
- I'm gonna take that casserole with me.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Thank y'all.
Jase: Here's the moral of the story.
Get that casserole and let's get outta here.
What is the moral of the story? Phil: Father, thank you for this day.
I do pray that we not be bitter about our neighbors.
We'd appreciate you help us in that area.
- Through Jesus I pray.
Amen.
- All: Amen.
Willie: You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
And you know who I'm talking about.
Hey, let me tell you about the time Willie went down-- - Hey, hey, hey.
Nuh-uh.
- Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
Willie: To the same point, you can't choose your neighbors either.
It's all a lesson in tolerance 'cause you sure ain't gonna win 'em all.
Today was a perfect example of that.
Yet even on the worst days, I wouldn't trade my family for any other family in the world.
- Let me tell y'all about the time Willie-- - Si!