Eagleheart (2010) s02e08 Episode Script
Honor Thy Marshal
He's got us pinned down.
I guess tonight we're gonna be in heaven partying with Hume Cronyn Or in hell playing grab-ass with Jessica Tandy.
I don't know who those people are.
Here he comes! Yaah! This ends now, damn it! Good exercise, gang.
I'm seeing a lot of improvement.
Oh, thanks, Cappy.
Get this piece of trash out of here.
That was fun.
You guys okay? Yeah.
All right, good.
Hi.
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.
S.
Marshal, and what you just saw was one of the exciting practice drills we perform here in the marshals office every day.
If you like excitement, danger, and the pride you get from serving your country, well, then, stay tuned.
You might just have what it takes to have a career in the United States Marshals Service.
You know, people often come up to me and ask, "Hey, Chris, what's your favorite part about being a U.
S.
Marshal?" By then, of course, I have the Purell out and I'm hauling ass down the street.
But, seriously, uh You know, if I had to pick one, I'd have to say it's the amazing fighting moves I've mastered over the years, moves that you can learn, too, like the "Pleased To Meet Me.
" Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have.
I must use Palmolive or guts! The "Bearer Of Dead News.
" Have you seen this autopsy report? Says you were strangled to death.
But, of course, these reports can often be wrong.
"Leapfrog.
" Aah! And the "Death Punch.
" Aah! Plus, moves too shocking to show in this video, like the "Baltimore Forklift" The "Reverse Bar Mitzvah" and the dreaded Hi.
I'm Marshal Brett Mobley, and-- Hi.
I'm Marshal Susie Wagner, and I'm here to tell you what a great place the marshals service is for women.
Here, men and women are treated equally, and it's getting more equal all the time.
For instance, the amount of words a female marshal is allowed to say per month just went from 200 to 445.
And now, with rollover words, whatever I don't say in one month carries over to the next.
Am I choosing mine carefully? Well, let's just say-- Being a United States Marshal is tough.
It requires extreme focus, intensity, and alertness.
Not everyone has what it takes.
But now you can, with Marshal Boost.
Marshal Boost is a partially natural supplement that gives Marshals the energy they need to get the job done.
It's Marshal time! Marshal Boost is a lady Marshal's best friend.
It keeps me alert and focused, but, most importantly, it helps control my mid-morning, lunchtime, and dinnertime hunger pains.
If it wasn't for Marshal Boost, a guy like me might turn to drugs.
Plus, it's completely safe! Ohh! Aaaah! Aah, aah, aah!! Aaaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeee! Aaaaaah! Aaah! Aaah! It's real.
It's so real.
It's [Bleep.]
beautiful.
Marshal Boost.
The Marshal's secret weapon for over 20 years.
Side effects include loss of appetite, irritability, and uncontrollable facial tics.
Nyuh! If you become a Marshal, you can follow in my footsteps, all the way to Tinselwood.
That's right.
You know, a few years ago, some Tinselwood bigwigs took notice of my amazing exploits and cast me in the fictional role of Texas Ranger Chet Mason in the syndicated series "Honor Thy Marshal.
" I had some reservations at first.
For one, I didn't think my marshaling skills would translate to rangering.
And, also, I thought it was a little confusing that my character was a ranger since the title of the show had the word "Marshal" in it.
Anyway, here's some clips, so enjoy it.
You'll never stop us, Mason.
Maybe not.
But I have a friend who will.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Please help me, Jesus! Aah! Aah! "Help me, Jesus"? Too little too late, pal.
Nice, bro.
Yeah.
Have you cracked that code yet? I told you, this is really hard.
Here, let me have a look.
Got it! Let's go! Could you go without me? Sam, you're completely useless.
Mwah! Eyelashes! We have all the eyelashes we need to crush your pathetic economy.
Seems like you've got it all figured out, Chang.
There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.
Tying knots.
Unh! Daisy! Cricket! Ai-yaaah! Well, I guess the Chinese arms race is over.
Hi.
I'm Conan O'Brien.
Several years ago, I executive-produced a program called "Honor Thy Marshal," starring U.
S.
Marshal Chris Monsanto as Texas Ranger Chet Mason.
One look and I knew I had a massive hit on my hands.
Not the show and not Chris Monsanto.
They were-- They were terrible.
No, I'm talking about co-star Travis Hunt and his fabulous catchphrase, "Nice, bro!" Nice, bro.
I was so sure this was gonna be the next big thing that I had T-shirts, hats, and mugs printed up at the show's expense.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro.
The show premiered to a .
1 rating, and "Nice, bro!" failed to take the country by storm for reasons I still don't quite understand.
In what can only be described as an act of panic-induced cowardice, I snuck into Travis' house one night and tried to end both of our lives.
Travis, as you probably read in his memoir, "Step Up To Dream," handily disarmed me and later snuck into my house to settle the score.
I did what my lawyer said was well within my rights to defend myself, and beyond that, I'm really not allowed to comment.
Anyway, the "Nice, bro!" merch blew pretty much our entire season's budget.
By our third episode, we had to resort to doing a clip show.
I'm looking for peabody.
Unh! At that moment, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.
Tying knots.
Aah! Ai-yaaah! Chinese arms race is over.
Let me have a look.
Got it.
Could you go witho-- Useless.
Unh! Nice, br-- And then I came to, and it was time for revenge.
Yeah, "Honor Thy Marshal" was a real body blow.
Knocked the wind right out of me.
But I still got a few irons in the fire, so I'm pretty excited about those, and I'm-- Ah, who the hell am I kidding here? I got nothing going on.
Ugh! Look at me.
It's pathetic.
This stupid hat on my head.
Why am I wearing this hat? Dumb.
Where does this even take place? Look at my [Bleep.]
vest.
Ooh, it's leather.
Wow, tough.
I got black pants on.
Everybody loves the black pants.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I hate everybody here.
All right.
Enough of that.
Time to crack open a cold bud, as in Budd Dwyer.
Remember him, folks? Maybe this'll remind you.
You might want to throw a tarp over that camera, guys.
Chris! Gasoline Jake and his crew are at the Natural History Museum.
Turns out they've been smuggling heroin inside the T.
Rex bones.
Well, my pastor said that the dinos all went extinct 'cause they all went gay.
But what a wild way to go, huh? Oh, God.
Eh, what the hell? Okay.
Ahh! Eagleheart! What? Nice, bro.
a hero who laughs in danger's face he possesses the wisdom of an eagle and the heart of courageous men if he gives you a warning, mister, you'd better take it 'cause you don't want him tellin' you again Eagleheart
I guess tonight we're gonna be in heaven partying with Hume Cronyn Or in hell playing grab-ass with Jessica Tandy.
I don't know who those people are.
Here he comes! Yaah! This ends now, damn it! Good exercise, gang.
I'm seeing a lot of improvement.
Oh, thanks, Cappy.
Get this piece of trash out of here.
That was fun.
You guys okay? Yeah.
All right, good.
Hi.
I'm Chris Monsanto, U.
S.
Marshal, and what you just saw was one of the exciting practice drills we perform here in the marshals office every day.
If you like excitement, danger, and the pride you get from serving your country, well, then, stay tuned.
You might just have what it takes to have a career in the United States Marshals Service.
You know, people often come up to me and ask, "Hey, Chris, what's your favorite part about being a U.
S.
Marshal?" By then, of course, I have the Purell out and I'm hauling ass down the street.
But, seriously, uh You know, if I had to pick one, I'd have to say it's the amazing fighting moves I've mastered over the years, moves that you can learn, too, like the "Pleased To Meet Me.
" Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have.
I must use Palmolive or guts! The "Bearer Of Dead News.
" Have you seen this autopsy report? Says you were strangled to death.
But, of course, these reports can often be wrong.
"Leapfrog.
" Aah! And the "Death Punch.
" Aah! Plus, moves too shocking to show in this video, like the "Baltimore Forklift" The "Reverse Bar Mitzvah" and the dreaded Hi.
I'm Marshal Brett Mobley, and-- Hi.
I'm Marshal Susie Wagner, and I'm here to tell you what a great place the marshals service is for women.
Here, men and women are treated equally, and it's getting more equal all the time.
For instance, the amount of words a female marshal is allowed to say per month just went from 200 to 445.
And now, with rollover words, whatever I don't say in one month carries over to the next.
Am I choosing mine carefully? Well, let's just say-- Being a United States Marshal is tough.
It requires extreme focus, intensity, and alertness.
Not everyone has what it takes.
But now you can, with Marshal Boost.
Marshal Boost is a partially natural supplement that gives Marshals the energy they need to get the job done.
It's Marshal time! Marshal Boost is a lady Marshal's best friend.
It keeps me alert and focused, but, most importantly, it helps control my mid-morning, lunchtime, and dinnertime hunger pains.
If it wasn't for Marshal Boost, a guy like me might turn to drugs.
Plus, it's completely safe! Ohh! Aaaah! Aah, aah, aah!! Aaaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeee! Aaaaaah! Aaah! Aaah! It's real.
It's so real.
It's [Bleep.]
beautiful.
Marshal Boost.
The Marshal's secret weapon for over 20 years.
Side effects include loss of appetite, irritability, and uncontrollable facial tics.
Nyuh! If you become a Marshal, you can follow in my footsteps, all the way to Tinselwood.
That's right.
You know, a few years ago, some Tinselwood bigwigs took notice of my amazing exploits and cast me in the fictional role of Texas Ranger Chet Mason in the syndicated series "Honor Thy Marshal.
" I had some reservations at first.
For one, I didn't think my marshaling skills would translate to rangering.
And, also, I thought it was a little confusing that my character was a ranger since the title of the show had the word "Marshal" in it.
Anyway, here's some clips, so enjoy it.
You'll never stop us, Mason.
Maybe not.
But I have a friend who will.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Please help me, Jesus! Aah! Aah! "Help me, Jesus"? Too little too late, pal.
Nice, bro.
Yeah.
Have you cracked that code yet? I told you, this is really hard.
Here, let me have a look.
Got it! Let's go! Could you go without me? Sam, you're completely useless.
Mwah! Eyelashes! We have all the eyelashes we need to crush your pathetic economy.
Seems like you've got it all figured out, Chang.
There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.
Tying knots.
Unh! Daisy! Cricket! Ai-yaaah! Well, I guess the Chinese arms race is over.
Hi.
I'm Conan O'Brien.
Several years ago, I executive-produced a program called "Honor Thy Marshal," starring U.
S.
Marshal Chris Monsanto as Texas Ranger Chet Mason.
One look and I knew I had a massive hit on my hands.
Not the show and not Chris Monsanto.
They were-- They were terrible.
No, I'm talking about co-star Travis Hunt and his fabulous catchphrase, "Nice, bro!" Nice, bro.
I was so sure this was gonna be the next big thing that I had T-shirts, hats, and mugs printed up at the show's expense.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro.
The show premiered to a .
1 rating, and "Nice, bro!" failed to take the country by storm for reasons I still don't quite understand.
In what can only be described as an act of panic-induced cowardice, I snuck into Travis' house one night and tried to end both of our lives.
Travis, as you probably read in his memoir, "Step Up To Dream," handily disarmed me and later snuck into my house to settle the score.
I did what my lawyer said was well within my rights to defend myself, and beyond that, I'm really not allowed to comment.
Anyway, the "Nice, bro!" merch blew pretty much our entire season's budget.
By our third episode, we had to resort to doing a clip show.
I'm looking for peabody.
Unh! At that moment, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.
Tying knots.
Aah! Ai-yaaah! Chinese arms race is over.
Let me have a look.
Got it.
Could you go witho-- Useless.
Unh! Nice, br-- And then I came to, and it was time for revenge.
Yeah, "Honor Thy Marshal" was a real body blow.
Knocked the wind right out of me.
But I still got a few irons in the fire, so I'm pretty excited about those, and I'm-- Ah, who the hell am I kidding here? I got nothing going on.
Ugh! Look at me.
It's pathetic.
This stupid hat on my head.
Why am I wearing this hat? Dumb.
Where does this even take place? Look at my [Bleep.]
vest.
Ooh, it's leather.
Wow, tough.
I got black pants on.
Everybody loves the black pants.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I hate everybody here.
All right.
Enough of that.
Time to crack open a cold bud, as in Budd Dwyer.
Remember him, folks? Maybe this'll remind you.
You might want to throw a tarp over that camera, guys.
Chris! Gasoline Jake and his crew are at the Natural History Museum.
Turns out they've been smuggling heroin inside the T.
Rex bones.
Well, my pastor said that the dinos all went extinct 'cause they all went gay.
But what a wild way to go, huh? Oh, God.
Eh, what the hell? Okay.
Ahh! Eagleheart! What? Nice, bro.
a hero who laughs in danger's face he possesses the wisdom of an eagle and the heart of courageous men if he gives you a warning, mister, you'd better take it 'cause you don't want him tellin' you again Eagleheart