Episodes s02e08 Episode Script

Can we speak later? Who're you with? I'm er actually on a date.
It's not just that people don't like Pucks! The dog show is killing us.
We had that cock-sucking dog, how did we let it go?! You said, "If anyone wants to pay for that piece of shit, "let them have it.
" Sounds like me.
Guess who dropped by the boys' school this afternoon? I give up.
How about your fucking stalker! Oh shit! That fucking lunatic comes near my kids again, I swear to God I came as soon as I got your message.
I love you so much! I know.
Aaah, fuck! Does this smell bad? Oh! Yes! Have you seen this? No.
Should I throw it out? Yes! Look! What am I looking at? Nikke Finke, Deadline Hollywood.
Top story.
"Who let the dog out? Merc Lapidus.
" "It's no secret that a certain talking canine "has become the number one new comedy of the television season.
"But what's less well-known is that the ABC laugher "was originally developed by a rival network.
" Uhhhh "And it was network prexy, Merc Lapidus, "who not only had the wisdom to pass on the barking mega-hit, "but then compounded the bone-headed move "by letting the project be sold to a rival network.
"Inside sources tell me that Lapidus can't be long for the job, "especially if you're counting in dog years.
" Aww.
Hmm.
Morning.
Morning! HE SMACKS HIS LIPS So So, so, so.
Sorry to disturb you last night during your er date.
That's all right.
No worries! Ah, good.
Phew! How was it? The "date"? Fine.
Oh, brilliant! Good, good.
Would you like to talk about it? No, no! Noooo! All right.
HE DRUMS HIS FINGERS Although Yeah.
I was wondering, erm the "date," was with? Rob.
Morning's brother.
Ah-ha! Ah, keeping it in the family.
Smart! Good! He seems nice.
Mmm.
Where did you go on the "date"? Oh, just to this neighbourhood tapas place.
Tapas! Tapas! Tapas! Spanish little plates.
OK.
Speaking as someone who knows you fairly well, I'm thinking you're going to get weirder before you get less weird.
Er, you may want to step away.
Good idea.
Good idea.
Good call! HE CHUCKLES WEAKLY Tapas! Tapas! MERC CHUCKLES Anybody read anything good in the paper today? THEY LAUGH Yeah, laugh.
FYI, you all get buried in the pyramid with me.
THEY FORCE LAUGHS SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY OK, so we need you to sign off on our sweeps promos.
Also, we should review the status of the development slate.
Yeah, yeah, before that, I'd like to know, where's our vampire show? Our our, what? Well, am I the only one who's noticed that everybody's got vampires but us? Not just vampires.
AMC's got their fucking zombies! And we've got, what? Well, we've been trying to stick to your mandate to only do dramas "ripped from the headlines.
" Not a lot of zombies in the headlines.
THEY LAUGH But let us get the word out.
We'll call some agents, get some pitches in I don't have time for that! I'll have New York calling any minute now.
I need something that says, "Hey, forget that talking dog shit storm over there! "Look over here! Werewolves!" MTV's got werewolves.
So not werewolves! Help me here! Well, first of all, we already have some terrific projects you can get them excited about.
Have you read Beyond The Roses yet? What's Beyond The Roses? It's on your desk.
It's that book.
HE SNIGGERS A book?! We already talked about it.
It's that bestseller about the family in the '60s.
It's a beautifully nuanced portrait.
Oh, wow! A nuanced portrait! Look at HBO, they're up the ass with nuanced portraits! What are the people watching? Their fucking vampires! Where are MY vampires?! I want ideas and I want them now! Go! Er Something with mummies! Mummies? Too slow! Leprechauns? Nothing scarier than a fucking rainbow! Um sss.
.
er come back to me? Oh, Jesus! Dragons? Goblins? Um, keep going.
Shape shifters? Lizard men? Gypsies! There's probably a more constructive way Ogres, trolls, warlocks pixies! Mutants! Cyborgs! Succubi! SUCCUBI! HUGE rats! Harpies! Mermen! Gypsies! Gypsies are real.
I don't think so.
I.
.
er I wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier.
Oh, no need! Mmm It's a very strange time for both of us.
I'm the one who's saying there's no going back.
So you dating is something I should have seen coming.
I'm sorry I reacted so poorly.
It's as much my fault as it is yours.
No, no, no.
No, I should have warned you before I went.
Right.
Yeah.
Or just turned your phone off.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY Absolutely! Good advice for next time! What? Nothing.
Funnily enough erm doesn't "funnily" sound like it shouldn't be a word? HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY It's a word.
I know.
But it sounds like I made it up! HE LAUGHS "Funnily!" Seems like it should involve a funnel! THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY Anyway, FUNNILY, I hadn't really thought about a next time.
Is there a next time in the offing? Well, FUNNILY THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY We're seeing each other again tonight.
Tonight?! HE LAUGHS MANAICALLY II hadn't seen that coming! Do you need to step away again? I think I do! HE CONTINUES FORCED LAUGHTER Ooh "Funnily!" Hi, honey! It's Carol Rance.
Crazy left-field question, would JJ have any interest in developing a show about gargoyles? KNOCK AT DOOR Elliot Salad on two.
For me? Mmm-hmm.
Sweetie, I'm so, so sorry.
I have to call you back.
It's New York.
SHE LAUGHS Elliot, hi! 'Hello, pretty lady!' 'So how are things in New York? 'I saw you had almost 70 degrees!' And they say there's no global warming! There's no global warming.
Thank you! It's ridiculous! People, hello?! It's called weather! So what's up? 'I actually just landed in LA.
' Oh, wow! Welcome.
'I was wondering, ' do you think we could meet for a drink tonight? Yeah, absolutely.
Let me just make sure Merc's free, but I can't imagine he would 'No, no.
' No Merc.
Just you.
Uh, sure.
All right.
Is everything OK? 'Couldn't be better.
' Well, great.
Great.
Oh, and maybe don't mention to him that we're getting together.
SHE MOUTHS Great, yeah, totally.
See you then.
Bye-bye.
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR It's open! Oh, hey, Facebook friend! Hey you! Or should I say, ex-Facebook friend? I miss your status! Aw, that's sweet.
If you'll just excuse me for a moment? A moment.
I need security! Wait! Don't go in there! Why not? She's in there.
Um, er, you know HE MIMICS STABBING WITH KNIFE Yeah, I know.
You know? She came in with me today.
Never mind.
She came in with you? Yeah.
It's cool.
I'm guessing it's many things.
Cool is probably the one thing it's not.
What's going on? Apparently, it's Bring Your Stalker To Work Day.
What? He's got Labia in there! What?! Last night I got really hammered.
And I was feeling kind of depressed.
So I don't know, I guess I called her.
You guess? Why do you even have her number? From the last time I called her? Unbelievable! I know.
Even as I was dialling, I'm like, "Don't do this! "You know it's only going to bite you in the ass!" HE SNIGGERS What? She bit you in the arse? A little bit.
OK, fine, I get it! You're not supposed to screw your stalker! You brought her to work! I'm not going to leave her in my house! Oh, of course not! Where are you going to put her next? I'm open to suggestions.
Well, if you put her in your car, remember to crack open a window.
A LOT of stalkers have died that way.
Look, don't worry about it.
Have you thought this through at all? What about Diane? Oh, shit! Diane! Oh, please, please! Please may I be there when you try to explain this to her? "Darling, don't worry! "She's not a maniac any more, I fucked it out of her!" Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
All right, I've got to get rid of her.
That won't be hard now! All right, OK! It's fucked up! It's not fucked up! YOU FUCKED IT UP! Your shrink was right.
You really do have an inability to appreciate the consequences of your actions.
When did he tell you that? When he was destroying our lives.
Ah, yes! Good times.
Oh, my God! I know.
He is the most self-sabotaging person I have ever met! And we know some pretty fucked-up people! It's like watching a car wreck.
Only he's driving both cars.
Somebody named Rob called.
About tonight.
Er you can tell me later.
How much later? I was kind of hoping to get out of here early.
All right.
All right, I can leave early? Or all right, you want the message? Just give me the message and go.
OK, he said to tell you, same time as last night, same restaurant.
Thank you.
So I can go? Fine! So I think I may take off as well.
How about you? Er, I I've got some stuff to do.
You know, emails.
Get organized for tomorrow.
All right, well, have a nice evening.
You too.
I promise I will have my phone off tonight! And I will not be calling! SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY Very good! HE TYPES LOUDLY See you tomorrow.
Absolutely! I have to ask, are you actually typing something, or just pretending? Pretending.
Right.
Night.
Night.
Look, we need to talk.
Nooo! I just got here! Labia, listen to me.
I shouldn't have called you.
It was wrong.
No! Yes! No! Yes! This is over.
We're done, that's it! You really have to go.
Now! OK.
Yeah? Well, if that's what you really want.
I mean, really, really, really, really? It really is, really.
All right.
Then I'll go.
Thank you.
But I'll always be waiting.
OK.
Not, like, in front of the house though, right? Sometimes in front of the house.
Great! Look, please, don't wait for me.
You deserve someone who loves you.
Ah! You do! They'll never be you.
That's not necessarily a bad thing.
I don't care! I'll wait as long as I have to.
Even when you're old.
Even when you're old and you've lost all your hair, and you're not famous any more, I'll still be waiting.
Even if you're just an old, fat, former TV star with no money, who nobody wants, I'LL want you.
If you get cancer and you lose control of your bowels and you smell bad, and no woman even wants to look at you, I'll be there for you.
SHE MIMICS FRIENDS THEME TUNE CLAPS PHONE RINGS Hello? Hi! Er, I'm about to leave for my date.
OK, now you're keeping me a little too plugged in.
I think we need to strike a balance.
SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY I just wanted to tell you that, er if you don't want me to go, I won't go.
Oh.
'However, I would want to know why you don't want me to go.
' If it's just out of jealousy, and you don't want anything more for the two of us, then there's really nothing in that for me.
On the other hand '.
.
if you think we still have a chance, 'and that's something you want to work towards, then say so, and' I'll cancel this thing in a heartbeat.
Go.
All right.
Cool! See you tomorrow.
Right.
PHONE RINGS I was hoping you'd call.
CAROL: Really? Oh, sorry! I thought you were Sean.
Well, it's me, and I am FREAKING out! 'Why is that?' OK, you cannot tell anyone.
ANYONE! Swear? I swear.
'Elliot Salad called.
' He wants to meet me for a drink, WITHOUT Merc.
'OK' You have no idea who Elliot Salad is! None.
How do you NOT know Elliot Salad?! I feel like I've ordered one at some point, but if you're saying it's the name of a person Elliot Salad is the head of the network.
He's Merc's boss.
He's my boss.
He's YOUR boss.
SHE SNIGGERS I have a boss named Elliot Salad?! SHE SIGHS Oh, shit! Here he comes! 'How's he dressed?' What? Oh, come on! Salad? DRESSED?! I'm just joining the lady.
I'm sad.
I know.
Got everything? Yes.
Got your sunglasses? No.
Where are they? In the bedroom.
You want to help me look? No, no! No! You wait here.
I'll go get them.
DO NOT MOVE! OK.
PHONE RINGS MATT: Don't answer that! PHONE KEEPS RINGING 'LeBlanc residence.
' Is Matt there? 'Who may I say is calling?' Tell him it's Diane.
'Oh, hi, Diane!' 'It's Labia!' MATT: 'Noooooo!' MATT: 'Fuck!' You don't have kids, do you? Not yet.
Some day.
Hey, don't rush into it.
You don't know what you're going to end up with.
My oldest son is bipolar.
Last summer he burned down our East Hampton place.
The other one's still got six months in mandatory rehab.
And my daughter and two other girls are married to this guy in Utah.
Jesus! You can't catch a break! I love 'em all.
Of course you do! They're yours! I still think I have a chance with my youngest one.
Oh, she's a cutie! No, that's my wife.
Oh, uh It's fine.
Second marriage.
Good for me! Here she is.
She's seven.
Aww! And so smart.
Guess what her favourite TV show is? Pucks!? No, seriously, guess.
Does it star a beagle who won't shut up? Yep.
She adores that dog.
You developed that, right? Well, not just me.
We really are a team.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you get to meet the dog? It's actually five dogs.
Oh, I hate hearing that! HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS It must have killed you when Merc didn't go with it.
You know, everybody makes mistakes.
Well, there's mistakes and then there's MISTAKES.
Shows like this come once in a decade.
It's like lightning in a bottle.
I watch my daughter watching it and she just laughs.
And she's got this great little laugh, like a dolphin laugh, you know? HE MIMICS DOLPHIN LAUGH And I listen to her, and she's just so into it and so happy, it makes me want to grab a bat and fucking kill someone.
Just smash them and hurt them and kill them! Maybe you shouldn't be around when she watches it.
The next morning, when I look at the numbers Jesus! I hate Tuesday mornings now.
There's that dog with his beautiful double digits.
And then I look over at Pucks.
What are we paying LeBlanc? I would pay that much to watch the dog eat him.
Look, a day doesn't go by that Merc doesn't beat himself up about it.
But what can we do? We've got to look forward.
Well, he can stop looking forward.
What? The decision's made.
Merc's out.
For some reason, this all feels vaguely familiar.
Almost as if we'd been here before.
Only I'm not babbling like an idiot.
The night is young.
Believe me! Uh, no! Oh, God! So, how was your day? Uh-uh, no.
No? No.
I promised myself tonight is about you.
Oh, wow.
You don't want to talk about house painting.
Then we will sit in silence.
All right then.
I tell you what, if you're really interested, after dinner, I'll show you what I'm working on.
A house mid-paint? I'm intrigued! Are you? Strangely, I am.
I know it's not up to me, but I really think you should give him more time.
Merc is a strong executive.
He can turn this thing around! I appreciate your loyalty It's not loyalty! I truly believe he can do it.
Carol! We've got a lot of great shows in development Honey! Stop! It's a done deal.
The board voted.
He's out.
Jesus! What about all the years we were number one? Don't they count for anything? They counted.
When we were number one.
I know, it's a ruthless business.
Look, it happens to all of us eventually.
It's like the circle of life.
Like Lion King.
You saw Lion King? Mmm-hmm.
Genius! Those puppets! When are you going to tell him? I thought I'd wait till after his Man Of The Year thing.
At least let him have that.
That's nice.
Also, that way, we can empty his office while he's there.
So, we should talk about the transition.
Can I ask? Do you know who you're going to go with? We've got a very short list.
Right.
And your name's at the top of it.
OK.
You see all that marble? That's me.
What do you mean, it's you? Well, it's not marble.
It's all faux.
Faux? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you painted all this? Well, me and my crew.
You big, fat liar! "I paint houses!" You're a bloody genius! No, really.
No, that is not true.
The hell it's not! This is amazing! And this is actually someone's house? Yeah.
Can you believe it? No! Who's going to live here? Oh, I don't know.
They don't even tell me their names.
My crew and I call them the Bullshits.
Todd and Holly Bullshit.
So their children are the little Shits? HE LAUGHS Yeah, that's them! All faux? Mmm, all faux.
You really are amazingly talented.
You do know that? I'm OK.
It's not art-art.
I've seen a lot of art-art.
I'd be willing to bet that the paintings the Bullshits hang on these walls are not nearly as good as what you're doing underneath them.
You're very sweet.
Actually, I'm not.
You should speak to some people who know me.
No.
No, I'm sticking with sweet.
OK All right? Yep I am.
That was lovely.
A little troubling.
Troubling? Because it was lovely.
Oh! Oh, what can I say? I'm a mess! You're allowed to be.
See, you're the sweet one.
When I came to this country, a few months ago, um I was happily married.
I hadn't kissed another man in ten years, and um never had a doubt as to what I was feeling.
And now? I haven't a clue.
But whatever it is, funnily it's definitely not faux.
Oh! Now we're doing it again! SHE GIGGLES