F is For Family (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Sue! - Oh, it's you.
- Francis.
Sorry.
I'm just excited to see Sue.
I got big news! Sue? She's got some big news for you, too.
What's your problem? Did you strain your trunk putting up the big top? Oh, you're about to find out who has a problem.
I knew you were no good.
Oh, no.
Is Sue gonna break up with me? No.
The time to do that would have been about six weeks ago.
Did somebody order breakfast in bed? - No.
- Well, I brought it anyway.
Why are you looking at me like a confused dog? I messed up my neck sleeping on the couch which I completely deserved.
I sweated on the cushions, so I flipped them over.
There was a food stain on the other side, so I flipped them back, and I got rid of the sweat with your hair dryer.
And here's your breakfast in bed.
Powdered eggs and frozen orange juice.
Just add water and kisses.
- That's sweet of you.
- No, no, no, no.
I was a jerk yesterday and I'm sorry.
So, now we can move on with a fresh start and have a great weekend.
Frank, you can't make everything disappear by just saying sorry.
Okay.
Sorry.
Frank.
We have to talk through what happened yesterday and figure out where all this anger we've been sitting on came from.
Oh, God.
If anything's gonna lead me to an early grave, it's doing this shit.
Well, if we don't address this, things will get worse.
That's not true.
My Uncle Bucky had a growth on his foot, and he didn't address it.
All he had to do was spray it with vinegar five times a day and change the way he walked.
Frank! We need help.
Now, Father Pat has a couples counseling retreat at Lake Communion this weekend.
They leave tonight.
I'm gonna call and sign us up.
Aw, Christ, Sue, what does a priest know about marriage? He's married to God.
God's invisible and He's happy as long as you show up once a week to eat His son.
You and I are in trouble, and we need to talk to somebody.
We don't need a goddamn priest! Okay, well, then maybe a psychiatrist! Are you saying I'm crazy? Are you fighting again? - No.
- No! Mommy and me are just having a little talk.
Are you still taking me to computer club today? Yes, don't worry.
See? Everything's fine, princess.
Now just go downstairs, watch your cartoons, and mind your own damn business.
Aw, man, Sue.
You got to take Maureen, so I guess we can't talk about feelings.
I was really about to open up, too.
You are not getting off that easy.
You and I have got to talk through all this.
It doesn't have to be Father Pat, but we need to do it today.
- Sue! - I want you to meet me for lunch so we can get to the bottom of this.
I don't know.
I've got something important I got to do.
I'll tell you what's important! Our marriage! At least it's important to me! - It's important to me! - Is it? Yes! Our goddamn marriage is important! There! Are you satisfied? No! That's why we have to talk about this! - They're starting early today.
- Yeah.
I'm changing my schedule and I expect you to do the same! - Okay, I will! - Promise me! Fine, I promise! - We'll have a lovely lunch! - Good! And I'll buy you that fucking pie you like! Ah! And now back to The Watts World-Travelers and The Haunted Discotheque.
With special guest star Colt Luger! Great bouncing basketballs, the specter of the spooky spaceship is after us, including me, special guest star Colt Luger.
Man, we can't double dribble our way out of this one! He's gonna dunk all over us, Afro Dog! Ghosteses? Four feets, don't fail me now! That same lamp and table have gone by five times.
- This show is stupid.
- You're stupid.
I'm a genius.
You're so smart, tell me what I had for breakfast.
Ew! Now who's the smart one? Ow! Shut up! Can't you see I'm having adult feelings? You don't have a clue what life's about.
I got to go.
Kevin, get out of the window.
You're bringing down the property value.
Such a dick.
Dad, wait.
I got to ask you about something.
- I didn't do anything! - No, Dad, listen Um Something happened and, um Something's happening now.
You're making me late.
Vic asked our band to play this party at his house tomorrow.
It's the chance of a lifetime Kevin, I'm not gonna fight you on this anymore.
As long as you get your school work done, you can put on a cape and go be the Elf god or whatever the hell it is you're trying to do.
Dad, listen! It's not about my band.
You know when you really, really want something, right? And you can't stop thinking about it, but then you get it and you hate yourself? You sound like a fat girl talking about ice cream.
God damn it! I can't talk to you about anything! I said play the party! I'm okay with it! I'm being the cool dad now! It's all groovy! "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!" Dodge the draft! Fucking pussies! You picked a great time to be supportive, you dick! Hey, rock star! It's gonna be a banging party tomorrow! Cutie Pie's bringing some of her friends.
- You into older women? - Oh "Oh" is right! Guys, thanks for coming out on your lunch break.
Pogo and I have set aside our differences and we hope you can too.
We need to get rid of Scoop so Dunbarton has no choice but to hire Frank back.
Scoop must go or Mohican won't survive.
Well, how about us surviving? That jigsaw-headed dude tried to feed me a firecracker on a hot dog bun.
No asshole's gonna Looney Toon me.
That's right.
So, in the spirit of friendship and camaraderie Excuse me? Oh, hey, good-lookin', you want a private dance? We're trying to have a business meeting here.
How about I give your hang-down the business, huh? Day shift whores out! Well, I got to take my kid to computer club anyway.
Gentlemen, let me assure you this Scoop situation can be dealt with quite easily.
Now, now, now, hold on, Lou, we want to get Scoop fired.
We're not going to kill him.
Of course.
We're not murderers.
I didn't say that because I think we're being bugged.
Killing the guy is out of the question.
I mean it! I'm sure we can think of at least one way to get rid of Scoop without hurting him.
What if we built a decoy airport the same exact size as ours with planes and everything and cardboard us's? And every day Scoop would go to work there! And that is why you've never been promoted.
Hey, Bob, why don't you tell me why I've never been promoted? Calm down.
We're all on the same team.
Oh, yeah? Well, if you hadn't sucked Dunbarton's dick and fired Frank, we wouldn't have Scoop to worry about.
You don't know the pressure of being on Dunbarton's leash! I can't sleep! I can't perform for Dolores! I can't have sex with her either! I think she might leave me! Look, Bob, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to rush you, but you got to hurry the fuck up and concentrate on Scoop! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't get out of here and meet her to talk about my goddamn feelings! Christ, she's threatening to take us to a shrink! My daddy went to see a shrink.
Right before he blew his brains out.
Oh, man.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Frank.
And I'm sorry I said you sucked Dunbarton's dick.
And I'm sorry I was thinking of calling you a certain word referring to your heritage.
- It rhymes with - We got it, Bob.
What do you mean you can't come? I'm sorry, but my husband and I had a big fight.
I promised we'd take some time today to work it out.
I'll be there by two.
But I need you here with the prototype now.
We're going to test the Salad Tosser with a group of typical consumers.
Damn it.
Henrietta, I believe in the Salad Tosser, but I also believe in my marriage.
So, I just can't.
Well, you know what they say: "can't" is the third cousin of "cunt.
" I did not know that.
You do now.
Leave it on, Fujikawa! How is this fun? You got to be patient.
The Squirrel Hour takes a while to get exciting.
It don't hit you in the face like Hawk and The Field Mouse.
This is so boring.
Then go play with that metal mouth girl with the big head.
His name is Phillip, and he's a boy.
But I'm not friends with him anymore.
Uh-oh.
This show just got interesting.
That's how Mama bought our Christmas tree.
Well, well, well - Holy shit! - That monster boy's back! Run! Y'all can finish at our house! Bill Murphy.
I've been looking for you.
Uh, hey, Jimmy.
You look nice.
Did you just come from a parade or something? Somebody pinned a hockey stick on me that I didn't steal.
Really? My dad sent me to military school, where they taught me honor and discipline by repeatedly beating the shit out of me.
I was released last night after demonstrating sustained excellence.
And my dad's check bounced.
Glad to see you're doing well.
Uh, I think I hear my mom calling me.
You're not going anywhere.
You and me have unfinished business.
Hold these.
"Bill Murphy, I humbly apologize for calling you the following names, in alphabetical order: ass butt, ass dick, ass eater" Not funny, private! "Ass fuck, ass gasser" This is where you guys will be rocking out tomorrow.
I had to get rid of the shark tank, but it was worth it.
I'll tell you what.
Kevin, check it out! You got to try this, Murph.
Yeah, no.
I don't feel like it.
Don't be such a twat-rocket.
This party's gonna kick serious ass, and we will be discovered for the geniuses we are! - I guess you're right.
- Of course they're right! I like your bong half-full attitude, fellas.
Go ahead, look around the house.
Just be careful if you go in the bathroom.
There's a hammerhead in the tub.
Oh, man.
- Oh, man! - Take a picture, it'll last longer.
- Can I? - No! And take your hand out of your pocket.
Vic, who are those little - Oh, shit! - I knew you'd be happy! Kevin and his band are gonna play a few songs for us tomorrow.
Great.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
I have to leave.
- Hey, wow, what got into her? - How should I know? Geminis, right? She'll be in a good mood tomorrow because this party's gonna be shit on ice.
That's a good thing.
All my music friends are gonna love you.
This is your first baby step to superstardom.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Because when you take that stage, they will look into your soul and they'll see what I see.
You're pure, man.
You're honest.
Not one ounce of bullshit.
So, bring out the light tomorrow, Kev.
Show them the truth of rock and roll.
That's what all the great ones do, and you've got that greatness in you.
I love you, buddy.
Oh, I need to kill myself.
Don't do it, Kevin.
There's so much to live for.
Okay, we got to hurry.
After I drop you off, I'm gonna meet your father for lunch.
Oh, you're going to talk about "the big fight"? Oh, so you heard that? Yes.
I heard you say it on the phone just now, and I heard it this morning and in my classroom, in the meeting about me.
I'm sorry, honey, but don't worry.
Arguing between mommies and daddies sometimes gets loud, the police show up, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other.
- Does that make you feel better? - Yeah.
Plus, Daddy told me we're too poor for you guys to get divorced.
Does that make you feel better? Uh Look at that, we're here! Ow! How about we drop Scoop deep in the jungle, give him a fair, five-second head start, and then hunt him down? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! No, it's good! It's like The Most Dangerous Game.
You dummy.
The most dangerous game was ancient Aztec basketball.
That's right.
The losers got their hearts ripped out! Guys, what the fuck are we talking about? Focus on Scoop! I don't just have my job riding on this, it's my marriage.
Sue is this close to sending me on a one-way trip to living at the Y.
That's it! A one-way trip! That's how to get rid of Scoop! We put Scoop on a plane to the middle of nowhere.
Yeah.
We'll do it on a busy day when there's a lot of luggage moving.
Without Scoop there, Dunbarton will turn the department over to any dumb fuck.
And that dumb fuck's name is Frank Murphy.
I think this plan's taking shape! We're getting somewhere! Gentlemen, this calls for a celebration.
Who wants to get erect watching robot bears do stuff to each other? Nobody.
Speak for yourself! "Zebra breath, zit fart, zit tumor.
" End of list.
Okay, well, I better Now for the things I said I would do to your mom.
"Shit on her feet, shit on her corpse" Jimmy, really, it's enough! I forgive you! Okay, I have other people on my list to get to anyway before my dad picks me up.
"Old sad Hitler guy?" You mean Mr.
Holtenwasser? I must apologize for blowing up his mailbox.
You don't want to talk to that crazy old man.
All he does is tell made-up stories about the war and what kids who live on his street say.
I have no choice.
Jimmy, no, don't go! My honor code compels me, ball gargler! Sorry I called you "ball gargler.
" Left.
Left.
Left, left, left.
Shit! I'm dead! - Hey, good looking! - You came on time.
Of course I did.
When have I ever disappointed you? Well, actually that's what I was hoping we could talk about today.
- Now, I made a list of things - You don't need that now! - It's all fixed, honey! - It's what? I met Pogo and the guys at the robot bear sex pizzeria.
They're gonna help me get my old job back! Our problems are over! But I thought we came to talk about our marriage.
I am talking.
You're just not listening.
Once I get back to Mohican, I won't have to work at night anymore.
Things will be like they used to be and we'll be happy again! I wasn't too happy then.
You were ecstatic! Agh! Why did I even come here? I moved my whole day around for you! I could've been with Vivian and Henrietta testing the Salad Tosser.
Once I get my job back, you don't have to worry about that goddamn thing anymore! It's not a "goddamn thing!" It's my chance to do something with my life.
And you were supposed to be there for support.
- Frank, you promised me.
- When? In 1958! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Relax.
Relax.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna go out and have a smoke.
You take a few minutes to calm down and then we can talk like adults.
Can I get the check? I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead! The old me would've got upset about that.
Well, hello there, young Bill.
Mr.
Holtenwasser, Jimmy's gonna be here any second.
Please don't tell him I'm the one that got him sent away to military school.
Oh, I had forgotten all about that.
Tell me again what happened.
It's not important.
The past is always important.
For instance, in 1922, my father hired a young veteran of the great war to paint our house.
He forgot to pay him on time and the young man was so angry Oh, shit! I'll finish the story some other time.
It has a twist you won't see coming! "Pumpkin pussy, pussy pussy.
" Oh, it feels good to get this off my chest, sir.
I too have a secret buried in my bosom.
Then you must unburden yourself.
It's the only way to achieve honor.
Bill and I stole that hockey stick and we're the reason you went to military school.
You're right.
That felt so good - I had to write a list because of you! - My spleen! Why did you tell him, Phillip? I misread the situation! You ass tit! I'll kill you for what they did to me! You're next, Murphy! Jimmy James Fitzsimmons, get in this fucking car! Yeah, you've seen the light! Beating up little fat girls! I ought to kick your ass! I'm a boy! I'm coming for you, Murphy! I will shit on your mother's feet! God damn him.
Why do I even try? What's that? Oh, it's just a little thing I invented.
- It spin-dries lettuce.
- Really? That's a great idea.
I know! It is! All right, Sue.
I'll give you a few minutes to think about what you've done, and then you can apologize first.
Co-pilot? - Are you sure? - The doctor was.
I'm due in July.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
We're gonna be okay, Sue.
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.
Holy shit, I'm not going anywhere.
- There goes flight school.
- Goodbye college for me.
Oh, hold on.
This doesn't have to be the end.
It's just a little delay.
It's a baby.
How much work could that be? - We can do this.
- Sure we can.
You raise the baby, and I'll get a job to get us through this.
I'm sure I could go full-time at Mohican.
They love me there.
I'll ask Bob Pogo to put in a good word for me when he gets back from the Ballroom Dancing Championships.
But you had your heart set on becoming a pilot.
And I will.
Once the kid's in school, we can pick up where we left off.
I'll fly planes.
And I'll finish college and have my career.
Yeah, and whatever it is you want to do, I'll support you all the way.
I'll be your co-pilot.
- Deal? - Deal.
- I love you, honey.
- I love you.
Aw, Christ.
What the fuck? Round and round it goes and the water never gets on your clothes.
And voilà dry lettuce every time.
I don't see technology getting any better than this! I could watch this all day! - Dry more lettuce! - If you insist! With the Salad Tosser, you can always have dry lettuce when you need it at the turn of a crank.
Ooh.
Sue, I'm ready to listen now.
Just a second.
Smoke another cigarette.
Do you have any questions? It works on iceberg lettuce, sure, but what about romaine? There's not a leafy green you can name that can't be dried by this little baby.
Look at this silky-smooth cranking motion.
Sue, I'm ready to talk about our marriage.
You had your chance! I'm busy.
Wow.
I'll just I'll see you at home.
Spin it again, sister! Because it's plastic, the Salad Tosser will last forever.
It never rusts, never wears and it'll never let you down.
Sue, I - Sue.
- What? Now, you and Bill behave for Kevin while we're gone.
Bill won't be a problem.
He hasn't come out of his room all afternoon.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
- We'll be fine.
- That's what you said this morning.
We're just gonna have some Mom and Dad talking time.
It'll be fun.
Hello, you two.
Ready to pray away the hurt? Oh, Jesus.
That's the spirit! Hop in! - Oh, hello, Murphys! - Hey, guys.
Fuck me.
Kevin, we're going to Lake Communion, but we'll be back tomorrow night.
The phone number's on the fridge.
Kevin, are you listening to me? Yeah, I'm listening! God! Get off my case! Oh, you're lucky a priest is taking me to the woods.
- Where are they going? - Oh, we're gonna die.
This is the express train.
Next stop, Understandingville! - If you're working on your marriage - Oh, Jesus.
- Clap your hands - [rhythmic clapping.]
If you're working on your marriage Clap your hands If you're working and you know it Then your faith will help you show it If you're working on your marriage Clap your hands Sharing difficult feelings! Another verse? Oh, Francis.
There are 12, one for each apostle! Oh, shit.
If you're sharing difficult feelings Clap your hands If you're sharing difficult feelings Clap your hands If you're sharing and you know it Then your faith will surely show it If you're sharing difficult feelings Clap your hands