Fairfax (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

[narrator] Two fashion houses,
both alike in litness,
in Fairfax,
where we lay our scene.
From ancient beef break
to new drop mutiny,
where clap-backs make
hype hands unclean.
From forth the fatal flexes
of these two foes,
one gang gang stands
at the friendship crossroads.
The which,
if you patient streamers watch,
Latrine and Off-Brian's beef
shall squash.
Aka the block will never
be the same!
The gang gang is donezo,
mothafuckas! Deadass!
Shit is about to get crazy!
[squawking]
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
[thunder crashes]
So you say you want
to take down Latrine.
Well, why should I listen
to a 13-year-old
and his cracked tablet?
She's my girlfriend,
and my Latrine-loving crew
tried to murder her.
We're gonna squeeze 'em
like a grapefruit.
Mm, I fuckin' hate grapefruits.
The worst of the citrii.
- You guys want some light in here?
- Terry!
We would've turned the lights on
if we wanted
the fucking lights on, Terry!
- Yeah.
- All right, sorry, Mrs. Moody-pants.
Now, what did you have in mind?
You want to win
this fashion war,
you start with the kids.
You get the kids
you get Fairfax.
- [all laughing]
- [thunder crashes]
- [student] Eat shit, Benny!
- Uh, hey?
You guys get the feeling
that everybody's
talking shit about us?
[sighs] Everyone but Lily.
She won't even look at me.
It's like I traded in
my Scout sash
for a scarlet letter.
I've been texting Tru
all weekend.
Homie won't even throw me
a read receipt.
Nah, D, fuck all that.
He should be texting us!
If he wants to listen
to his A.I. girlfriend
over his gang gang,
then he's not the bruh
I thought he was.
Have you guys seen him?
'Cause he wasn't in Honors Lit.
[kids clamoring]
What's up, Fairfax Middle!
Here at Off-Brian,
we continue the tradish
of reading your fucking minds
and changing the fucking game!
Which is why
we're infusing some swag
into this boring-ass school
with Off-Brian uniforms!
[kids cheering]
Or shall I say, "Truniforms"?
Yo, yo
[all] No fucking way.
- Welcome to the party ♪
- [cheering and clamoring]
Br-Br-Br-Br-Brian!
You heard 'em, fam,
this school is
officially an Off-Brian joint!
[whooping]
Yo, yo ♪
[school bell rings]
Man, fuck
these bunk-ass Truniforms!
Yeah, seriously,
who needs this many pockets
- when you have a fanny?
- [Weston] What'd I say, Kip?!
You wear the red,
you wind up dead.
- Carl, take him away.
- [muffled shouting]
This shit ain't fashion,
it's fascism!
This can't be right.
The Truman we know
wouldn't do this.
The Truman
you know is dead, Dale!
He's taking Brian's side
to fuck with us.
- D, my anarchy guru.
- Hit me.
- It's time to activate the hive!
- Viva la revolución!
[Rasmussen] Left, left, left,
right, left, left.
Guys, guys! Over here!
Last time I checked,
our mascot is the Hypebeasts!
Flexing is in our blood!
Why should we listen
to a bunch of murderers?!
'Cause this is
how it starts, guys!
Next thing you know,
we're singing
the Pledge of Allegiance
to Brian
before we take
our standardized Brian tests
so we can get
into goddamn Brian college!
Damn straight!
Fairfax was founded on one name.
Hiroki Hassan.
And I plan
on dripping in Latrine
until I drop.
Now who's with me?!
- Me!
- [cheering]
There they are!
It's the fuzz!
Yeah!
[all clamoring]
[shouting]
[all clamoring]
Aah!
[screams] What the fuck?
- [panting]
- [grunting]
I got Dale!
- Over here!
- [coughing]
Lily, how could you?
Get off my boy, Spirit Chair!
- [grunts] Ow!
- Dale!
This way!
Oh, no, you don't.
[all panting]
We're cornered!
I got an idea.
[exhales]
[grunts]
[all panting]
Whoa, the fuck is this place?
Weston's Parasite room.
For whenever he needs
to fake his own death.
Or take a nap.
Yo, this whole thing
stinks of Cerise.
She is playing his ass.
We got to show Truman
what really happened
the night of the dance.
How are we supposed
to do that, D?
I don't know yet.
I need to access her memories.
It's the only way to get
the gang gang back together.
Look, I'm all
for taking down Cerise,
but if I don't help
Hiroki win this war,
pretty soon the whole block
is gonna be Off-Brian!
So here's what I'm thinking.
- What the?
- First we unleash a bunch
of mosquitos,
everybody getting bit.
[gasps]
[Lily] "My dearest Dale, meet me
at the Fairfax Forever Cemetery.
Midnight. I know it's past
our bedtime,
but it's supes important.
Don't tell anyone,
not even your dad.
XOXO, Lily."
[Benny] You're coming
with me, right, Dale?
[grunting]
I'm totally with you. [swallows]
Maybe I can do
a little late-night recon.
See what's poppin'
in the streets.
A'ight, we got our game plan.
Derica's gonna take down
the psycho Roomba.
Fuck yeah, I am!
- Dale's gonna do some recon.
- Dang straight.
And I'm gonna help
Hiroki save his empire.
Let's fucking go!
♪
Sire.
There's a little fat boy here
at the gate to see you.
- Hiroki, it's me! Let me in!
- [lock buzzes]
Hiroki, the school has been
taken by Off-Brian.
Latrine's under attack.
I know!
I'm doing the best I can.
But Off-Brian's army is
growing by the drop.
They've already taken
Don Pardo's and Cold Brewjeria.
Use me, Hiroki,
let me help you or some shit!
What do you have in mind,
Cool Ranch?
I have a clap-back
that is gonna send Off-Brian
and Truman packing to Payless.
[laughs] Tronté
pull up a mini throne
and a cape for the boy.
[grunting]
- [sighs]
- [phone chimes, buzzes]
[gasps] Bingo!
[owl hooting]
Psst! Lily!
[gasps] Dale? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry
that I ratted you out.
I wanted to tell you,
but my dad's a lieutenant hench
for Off-Brian, and I couldn't
let word get to him
that I'm soft on Latrine.
F your dad! There's a place
for you at Latrine.
Come with me
and we can be together forever.
Deny thy father,
and refuse Off-Brian?
Yeah. Wait, why are you
talking like that?
Sorry, we have this big
Romeo and Juliet essay
due on Tuesday,
so it's just been on my mind.
- And prose is hot.
- I doth agree.
Thou art hot AF.
Then only one question remains.
To French
or not to French?
[Off-Brian stan] Oi!
Who goes there and shit?
Dale, hide!
I'm with Off-Brian!
Just, uh doing
a little late-night tagging.
[laughs] Live free, Bri hard!
O-Okay, sounds legit.
[phone chimes]
It's too dangerous here.
I have to go.
When will I see you again?
I'll send word
via carrier pigeon.
Take this to remember me by.
I'll see you soon,
my fair Lillith.
[panting]
[bell jingles]
Hello there,
would you like to try
a flight of jelly samplers?
Have you seen
this Kangol-clad man?
[gasps] Jacquomo!
There's someone here to see you!
Wait, are you Chet?
Chet is dead.
I'm Jacquomo now.
How the hell did you find me?
I'm here to hunt a catfish.
A really big catfish.
Listen, I'm sorry,
I can't help you.
My Big Juice days are behind me.
I'm an artisanal
jelly-smith now.
Cerise framed me for murder
and she brainwashed
my friend Truman.
Truman? He's in danger?
Yes, jelly man!
And I need you to help me
access her hard drive,
so I can show Truman
how evil she really is.
And save him from a life
of being A.I. arm candy.
Oh my God, Uli, ready the tech!
And bring me
a thousand apricots!
Yo, Brian ain't a thing ♪
Ha-ha-ha,
Brian ain't a thing ♪
Yo, yo, Brian ain't,
Br-Br-Brian ain't a thing
Benny worked
with the Safdie bros before me?
He hasn't even seen Good Time.
He's just an Uncut Gems
bandwagon ho!
"Brian Ain't a Thing"
is climbing
the Billboard charts
as we speak.
People are ditching
our line for Latrine.
Goddamn it,
these fashionistas are fickle.
We've got to respond.
Hey, hon, any way I could get
the living room to myself?
Game's on,
and I got a couple fellas
- from Home Theater coming over
- [growling]
- Oh!
- Someone tell this Geek Squad bitch
to GTFO before I put him
- to sleep for good.
- Yeah, Terry!
We're in the middle of a fucking
fashion war, you moron.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I thought you were taking
the kids to your mother's.
Come on, Tru, I could fuck
these guys up in sleep mode.
- Let me at 'em.
- Fuck 'em up, boo.
♪
Look at this punk-ass
FedEx delivery boy.
[laughs] You better flap
those wings, playboy.
- [pigeon coos]
- [Dale coos]
- [Lily] "My Dale-icous Dan-Dale-ion"
- Aah!
- What do we have here?
- [gulps]
We've lost Drip N' Save
and Yes Anderson,
but I spoke to Phyllis,
and Schwimmer's
is still holding strong
for Latrine.
Ah, ah, ah,
who's the hype-bitch now?
- Ah, ah, ah
- They're hacking the lair!
Hiroki, quick,
clear your browser history.
- Goddamn it!
- We have a traitor in our midst.
- [Benny] Dale!
- He's been conspiring with the enemy, my liege.
[8-bit Brian] Who's the
hype-bitch now?
- How could you?!
- Benny, I know what you're thinking.
And it's not what it looks like.
I was just sexting
with Lily via carrier pigeon.
She's Off-Brian, Dale!
- Please! I just
- We're all making sacrifices
for the war effort, Dale.
Man, what the fuck
have you sacrificed?!
Uh-uh, we can use him, Benny.
Let's send him
across enemy lines.
Get information from the girl.
I built a back door into
Cerise's memory as a fail-safe.
- You'll only have a
- Let me guess.
A few minutes
before Cerise detects me?
And her memory is stored in some
crazy Matrix-y shrine room?
And once I find the memory,
you'll export it
to a super convenient
yet very important USB drive?
Good luck.
I'm in.
Yo!
This would be a dope-ass spot
for a Rihanna music video.
[panting]
[whirs, clicks]
[Cerise] The gang gang's toast.
Especially after Truman hears
that you tried to murder me.
- Aah!
- [Benny] Oh, shit!
Gotcha, binch.
Chet, I found it.
Pull me out.
Hurry! Hurry!
Oh, no! Uli!
- She's onto us!
- Oh, my God!
They're here!
[laughing]
You didn't think you were
getting away that easy, did you?
- Oh, shit!
- [laughs]
Chet, get me
the fuck out of here!
[grunting]
Uli! Oh, no!
[sobbing]
Chet? Chet, are you there?!
[Cerise] Chet can't
save you now.
He can't even save himself.
[laughing]
[Derica] Aah!
Chet?
[grunts]
[screams]
Chet! I mean Jacquomogo
whatever your name is!
You're hurt!
Oh, you did good, kid. [groans]
Will you tell Truman I love
I-I mean, I-I miss I mean
Oh, just say hi
to Truman for me, will you?
[gurgles]
[exhales]
[knocking]
Dale?
What, what are you
doing here, my sweet,
sweet saltine?
Shh.
- Don't say you love me
- Oh, fuck!
Benny and Hiroki wanted me to
spy on you, but I can't do it!
Gah! I am so sick
of this stupid war!
Goddamn it!
Can I believe in something
Let's run away, Dale.
We could live in the forest.
Just think of it.
Camping and composting
and birthing a baby deer.
Okay. Let's do it.
Tomorrow morning
we leave for good.
Right after I say goodbye
to my parents.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I'll say good night
till it be morrow.
Wait, forgot
to give you one more thing.
- What?
- And I swear ♪
- I swear ♪
- By the moon ♪
And the stars in the sky
Hell yeah, boy! Get some!
Come on! [whoops]
♪
Bri-jangles! [imitates siren]
- Intruder in sector kitchen!
- You! - D?
- What are you doing here?
- Cerise lied to you.
And I can prove it!
It's all on this flash drive,
- little Roomba ho!
- Oh, this thing?
- Whoops.
- No!
You motherfucker!
Velcro this prisoner
to the basement wall.
Truman, please!
You have to believe me!
What in the Sean
is going on out here?
What's going on is
there's a freakin' mess
you need to clean up.
Hey, Tru, I got a couple
of surprises for you.
I think you're gonna like 'em.
How do you like it?
That's a Madagascarian
lionfish.
Supes poisonous.
[chuckles] It's amazing,
Bri-dog.
Now for the second part
of my surprise.
[horn honking]
- Ah, ah, ah
- Hey, Hiroki.
Check this shit out.
[Hiroki] No, no, no!
Is the skate bowl okay?!
Tell me the skate bowl's okay!
All hands on deck,
fashion emergency!
To the subcopter!
[whistles]
[indistinct chatter]
Caw-caw!
[racks rifle]
[crowd clamoring]
You know, it's one thing
to fuck with a man's brand,
but to fuck
with a man's brick and mortar?
Boo-hoo-hoo! Is wittle baby
sad about his store?
That's it!
[grunts]
Let's settle this
like designers.
Oh, you're on.
But this time the loser
leaves Fairfax forever.
Oh, you're on, bitch boy.
It's a drop-off!
[Massimo Guadalupi: "Loulou"]
Ooh, Loulou ♪
[singing in French]
Mine eyes doth fulleth
with love, my D-Bone.
And mine belly doth fulleth
with hunger.
I'm gonna go see if my net
has caught us some brekky.
[gasps] My big boy tent!
I thought
I'd never see you again, girl.
♪
[sighs]
What's wrong, my love?
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I have
to go back to Fairfax.
But we've made a home here.
Plus this mother deer is
six centimeters dilated.
- [deer whimpering]
- Lily
I want you to see me
not as a boy
but as a big boy.
And as much as I want to help
birth a baby deer with you,
more than anything in the world,
a big boy knows running
away from his problems
is no solution, and worse,
it's habit-forming.
My friends need me.
Wait, uh, so what are we?!
[Dale] It's complicated!
- [deer howls]
- [baby deer squeals]
Hey, Truman.
Uh, here's
that polyester fabric
you asked for.
Polyester wha?
Oh
Hey, Tru-boo.
Ready for the big day?
We're totally gonna annihilate
those stupid Latrine fools.
The gang gang's toast.
Especially after Truman hears
that you tried to murder me.
Where did you get that?
They were my best friends.
And you lied to me.
How could you?
If you'll just let me explain.
Nah, I should've listened
to my friends from the start.
I-I'm done letting you play
with my emotions.
You were my first love, girl.
And I still am.
Nah. Not anymore.
We're donezo.
Come on, Truman,
no, don't do this.
Siri, play breakup music.
Siri? How dare you?
[Siri] Playing breakdance music.
- Here we go on the dance floor ♪
- Jesus fucking Christ, Siri!
No, no, no, what are you doing?
You're gonna regret this,
Truman.
- What are you doing? Truman, no.
- You're garbage, Cerise.
- Truman! Truman! Truman!
- And guess where garbage goes.
- Ugh! Stop it! Get off me! No!
- The trash.
On the dance floor,
on the dance floor ♪
- [panting]
- Tru? Tru, is that you?
D, holy shit! Okay.
You were right about Cerise,
we have to talk about it,
and I'm-a do your homework
until college if you forgive me,
but right now we got to get the
fuck up out of here before they
- chloroform our asses!
- Then let's fucking go, boy!
Truman, bud.
Had a quick questio
Uh, Brianna, where's Truman?
[laughs]
You know
what I do at my lame-ass
Best Buy job, Brian?
You jerk off
to hentai in the bathroom?
I fix shit like flash drives!
That's right, Geek Squad, bitch!
Son of a Bisquick!
Off-Brian stans, assemble.
It's drop-off time.
That was the hottest thing
you've ever done.
We're totally gonna have another
baby when this is all over.
[indistinct chatter]
Tronté, have you seen Dale?
He's white and that's it.
God, I love pre-show energy.
What's wrong?
I don't know, I just
I think I took it too far
with Dale,
and I kind of miss my
Gang gang!
What the hell
are you doing here?
I came to apologize, dawg.
For Cerise.
For the dance. For the uniforms.
For destroying my store!
All of it. I'm so sorry, y'all.
You're my bro for life, Benny.
There's nobody I'd rather
collab with, if you'll have me.
I'm sorry I was such a dick.
I guess I was just jealous
'cause everyone was, like,
evolving and hooking up,
and I was feeling left behind.
But you should be
with whoever makes you happy.
[sighs] I know
it's cornball as fuck,
but gang gang makes me happy.
Aw! You guys!
Well, you know, I was gonna
have Tronté
and the henchmen do it, but
it's only right that my
most loyal Dorito winners
walk on Latrine's behest.
- [all clamoring]
- So
- won't you do us the honors?
- Yeah, but I got bad news.
The first category's normcore,
and Brian's got
Dr. Phil walking.
That traitor! How are we
supposed to compete with that?
[Dale] I believe
I might be of some assistance.
- [Derica] Yo! Dale!
- [Truman] Oh, my God!
Squad's back together.
[all] Let's fucking
build!
[Jules] Twinkle, twinkle,
little stars.
This fashion show is
for the whole enchilada.
Five rounds, five models,
- five drops.
- That's right, Jules.
Hiroki vers' Brian.
Loser leaves town.
Ready, set
[narrator] Round one.
Dale versus
Dr. Phil.
Flashing
for the cameras, baby
[narrator] Motherfuckin'
glow star attack?!
[shouting]
[narrator] Okay!
- [gasps]
- Flashing for the cameras, baby
- Dale!
- Damn!
[growls]
[narrator] Round two.
Benny versus
Yung Polluter.
We got Iron Man
up in this bitch!
- [screams]
- [narrator] Harpoon arm?!
Tillamook got smoked.
Round three: Derica
versus Greta Thunberg.
Save the planet, y'all.
Hyah!
[narrator] Ooh,
that's a clout-tality!
- Ha, damn!
- Yeah!
[narrator] Round four:
Truman versus Brianna.
Uh-oh.
Whoa!
- [Truman grunts]
- [others] Truman!
[narrator] Final round.
Hiroki versus Brian.
Come on, Hiroki,
flex on these bitches!
[narrator] Serve, bitch!
Oh, this motherfucker!
[winces]
[laughs]
- [Benny] Hiroki!
- No!
[growls]
[narrator] Yo! Gang gang!
[all screaming]
Yo, yo-yo-yo-yo! This is crazy!
[all grunt]
And the winner
of the Fairfax Drop-Off is
Off-Brian!
[all gasp]
- No!
- This isn't happening!
This isn't
how it's supposed to be!
[sing-songy] Nana, nana,
poo-poo.
I win, you lose.
Blacklisted for life.
I'm proud of you, Brian.
You really thought
outside the box tee.
The block is yours.
Fare thee well,
my sweet Fairfax.
I can't believe this.
He's really going.
[crowd sobbing]
[Brian] Wait.
Hiroki, stop.
[sighs]
You are Fairfax.
All I've ever wanted was
for you to collab with me
or, or think one of my ideas
was cool.
Truth is, henching for you
were some of the best years
of my life.
You're the reason I put
shoes on the patio chair, man.
And if you just
Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at "collab."
So, what do you say?
Want to do this thing?
Me and you?
Off-Brian and Latrine?
You want to collab for real?
Style comes and goes.
But friendship lasts forever.
[crowd cheering]
- [clamoring]
- No way.
And lo!
The balance hath been restored
in ye olde Fairfax.
Stop talking in stanzas, pidge!
You confusing me! But yeah.
Shit's back to normal,
so we all good.
[phones chiming]
What the f?
You think you know fashion?
I'm going to show you
the future of fashion.
Because you can't spell
"Fairfax"
without "A-I."
Introducing Cerise.
By Cerise.
Oh, shit.
- Truman!
- Truman?
What the fuck did you do, dawg?
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
Chirp.