Foursome (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 (bright flourish) [Andie.]
Previously on Foursome, a girly sleepover was used as a front.
Now I'm gonna have to shove wine coolers down their GD swallow sticks and trick them into admitting they're whores who've been hooking up with my boyfriend.
Make sure that Alec knows I'm sleeping at Greer's tonight.
And an escape room uncovered clues.
How about Alec joining you and Andie on your date? Don't worry, man, I'm not gonna narc on you.
[Alec.]
Ow! [Andie.]
But while neither of our nights were smooth [Courtney.]
You lose! Drink.
Kent and I gave each other happy endings.
(giggles) (bright electronic music) Dakota, slow down.
My creases are sweating.
No can do, Lou Pearlman.
I need to enact phase nine Thousand Of Golden Goose.
Show Mr.
Zapp I'm a man.
I'm an adult man.
A legal, 18-year-old, adult senior man.
You sleep with a night light.
I didn't say I believe in monsters, but I'm not trying to find out.
You need to get it together.
I'm about to be direct as (bleep) That's what real men do.
So I need to know, are you with me? I'm with you.
Do you have my back? I've got your back.
Alright, let's go bag my golden goose.
Ooh, I meant figuratively.
I'm not actually going with you.
Fine, who needs you? Get some on three.
One, two.
[Both.]
Get some! (bell rings) Get out of my way.
(sighs) Don't say anything, just listen.
I know you think of me as one of your students, but just because that definition is techinically correct doesn't make me a kid.
I'm a man, a man who knows when someone is sending him signs.
No more beating around the bush.
Yours or mine? I'm ready.
I've been ready for this my whole I've never thought of you as just a student.
Fat-Ass Ms.
Willie? Ooh, be an overflowing tub and spill.
Where's Mr.
Zapp? He's a substitute, he's working at another school.
But my plantar fasciitis is gone, I'm back, ready to mold young minds.
Gone? What do you mean Gone? Gone elsewhere.
He's subbing physics.
Oh no, he can't be gone.
Ooh, now you gone did it.
Dakota, calm down.
Calm down?! Calm down?! My golden goose has flown the coop! Bitch, you better break your foot, get the mumps, bird flu, mad cow disease yourself, I don't care what.
Get your ass back in bed and get Mr.
Zapp back at Brayer.
We got another code blue.
Who's gonna get it this time? I will take care of it, Ms.
Willie.
It's Gonna Be May.
(sensual music) Uh, have I mentioned you're a really good kisser? No, must be because your tongue's tied.
Ew.
(sensual music) Uh, pull my hair.
What? Uh, try new things.
I don't know, it feels a bit forced.
Right, yeah, I get that.
Yeah.
Ah, ow, what is it with you and hair pulling? I just thought maybe it's Your turn.
Uh Is everything okay? Because you were into it last time.
No, yeah, yeah, no.
Everything's gravy, groovy.
Everything's fine.
I The bell.
Ms.
Ebison is gonna straight up murder me if I'm late to class again.
I gotta go.
The bell doesn't ring for another 10 minutes.
Did you just fake bell me? What? No.
You're cute.
Get your hearing checked or something.
I don't know.
Bye Bye Bye.
Why couldn't I just tell him that I have my period? Wait, you have your period? Yeah, but that's not the point.
If I just told him, then he would've left it alone and we could've had a fun make-out sesh.
But no, not me.
I had to pretend that the bell rang and tell him he was deaf.
Oh my God, that is so exciting! Court, you really need to start actually listening to stories.
I was.
Phil-Andie-thropy, we are on the same cycle, which is Miracle on Elm Street because I'm on No-Ov.
Court, didn't the FDA recall that birth control? Yeah, but I only get my scarlet wing once a year, so totally worth it.
Hey, Flamingo.
[Imogen.]
Hi.
Imogen, care to share with the class? [Imogen.]
I finally got it.
Why guys have balls? What? No, ew.
I will never understand that.
(sighs) My menstrual cycle.
Imogen, your first period! Congratulations! Welcome to the worst.
First period? How old are you? My mom didn't get hers until she was 29.
Don't worry, little puppy.
I guess it just means God Must've Spent a Little More Time on You.
I can't believe we're all in sync.
(bell dings) We are scientifically BFFs, fact.
Okay, how can you be so happy about all of this? Sanitary napkins are not sanitary, and tampons are just filled with chemicals.
And everything smells like metal.
It Makes Me Ill.
Don't worry, little squirrel.
We're gonna help you get through this.
Absolutely.
We'll take a period day.
You know, like a personal day except for your ketchup stain.
Really, you would do that? Yeah, of course.
We'll help you through this, don't worry.
Let's get this period party started! [All.]
Woo! Ow.
Dakota, closed flowers never bloom.
I don't care.
I can tell you're going through something.
No, I'm not.
Dakota, knock knock? Ms.
Cardigan, let me in.
No one's home.
What's this sign say right here? Your name spelled wrong.
You got your degree at the mall.
Okay, that's true, I'll give you that.
Dakota, you know, you're what I like to call an oreo.
Hold up, do over.
And this time, don't be racist.
Hard on the top, hard on the bottom, but you got a soft inside, okay? Am I coloring in the lines here? Hard to tell.
Obviously you came here for a reason.
Yeah, Janitor Wilkins forced me to be here because I almost smacked a bitch.
I know you got a heart owie.
And the only way I can fix it is if you open up and you let some of the poison out.
Okay.
(sighs) There was a boy, man, who I wanted to be with.
And he clearly returned those feelings, everyone saw.
Then he just up and left, not so much as a goodbye.
I guess it's, it just It's Tearing Up My Heart! There you go, see? Got some emotion out.
Now I can help you.
Okay, now just point to the emoji that best describes how you're feeling.
What the (bleep) This is the I've got a hard feeling chart.
You said you can make me feel better, and then you pull out this grade school bullshit? For God's sake, woman, I am not an emoji, I am an emo me! And what I'm feeling isn't even on that chart.
Yeah, that's laminated.
You can't just have me come up in here, spill my guts out, and then tell me I can only feel three basic emotions.
Does this look like a body of a basic to you?! Mr.
Green! Get out of my way! Patty, move! Shaw to the office, now! Right behind you.
Your school counseling system is wack.
I just got told that I had to pick an emoji from this chart.
Wow, I haven't felt that many emotions since JT went solo.
Focus, Shaw! That wench made me turn on my emotions, and now she can't even council me so I can turn them back off.
Do something, you're a teacher! Kinda.
Why don't you do something, Dakota? I mean, you're emotional, passionate, all the key elements into making a great segment.
Plus, finally maybe you could drop that piece about me getting my pants in the kids department.
Ugh, doubt it.
Well, you know, think on it.
Channel that energy into something magical.
That's how someone first drew a unicorn.
Tell you what, take the Media Club camera.
No Strings Attached.
Actually, I need it back by 4 p.
m.
, so there are some strings attached.
In working condition this time, huh? Kids.
Those were my car keys.
Patty, go get my keys.
PMS, Period Master Strategy.
To help us focus, I brought some essentials.
Just looking at all of this gives me early onset diabetes.
You love soda.
You know you want to.
Ew! Dirty Pop.
Are you ready to learn the first step of PMS preparedness? P-M-Yes.
Dakota, are you on your manstrual cycle? Is it Zapp? Did he not fall for you being an adult man? He'll never get the chance.
Zapp's Gone.
Where'd he go, field trip? If subbing at another school is a field trip, then yes, Imogen, he's on a (bleep) permanent field trip.
And what really burns my toast is that janky school counselor forced me to pick a feeling from this chart.
I feel seven variations of these every second of every day.
Oh, and get this.
When I went to go report her to Shaw, he basically told me to go make a segment.
Just set up a camera, press record, and put it out of your mind.
We're about to get emotional, so God knows you will have plenty of material to cut together.
Okay, I'm gonna take you through it.
Here we go.
PMS step one.
Get emotional! Never hold in your tears, okay? Because your body is already retaining water on your period, so it's basically just like drowning yourself if you did.
Hold up, you guys are all on your period? That's an Indigo Girls flavored tea.
Sit down and strap in.
Here we go.
We're about to get emotional.
(upbeat indie music) Hey, Andie.
Are you playing hooky? You know we're supposed to be in chemistry class right now.
Hey, what's wrong? Nothing.
Allergies.
(fake sneezes) I just tripped into a dust mine with flowers and cats and a lot of cats actually, and shedding dogs, just hair and dust.
Your excuses are really rough today.
I have to pee.
What? Hey, Josh.
What's up, man? I was wondering, have you seen Andie lately? Because it looks like she's been crying, and I just wanted to get some clarity.
No, I haven't seen her, sorry.
Actually, you want some friendly advice? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that's kind of our thing at this point, right? Well, look, man.
I've known Andie for a long time, and whenever she gets upset it's best to just leave her alone.
Let her come to you.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you're probably right.
You good? Yeah, thanks man.
Alright.
(upbeat pop music) Come on, guys.
(gentle sad music) Wow, you guys really felt those emotions.
I'm gonna be honest, it was a lot.
I haven't cried that much since Lance and Danielle broke up.
For the first time, I actually let the fear in.
I threw a chair! I ain't sorry, I feel a lot better.
Great, so we're all ready for the next step.
Step two, find the tool to mop up your pool.
Now look, there are countless methods to plug your rug.
Since I only get my vermilion splash once a year, it really stores up.
That's why I need to wear one of each.
Ugh, go to the doctor.
Seriously, stop taking that birth control.
A tampon, good choice, and my go-to because they are super easy to use, some of them have sweet scents, and they're normally easy to hide in your hand.
Unless Kent grabs it on your way into the bathroom and you act like an alien, causing your period to do permanent damage to more than just your underwear.
TSS? You could die from cotton? Damn, your gender's tender.
Yes, Imogen? What if you forget that you have your tampon in and you accidentally put in four? It's like chubby bunny down there.
What's a Fatone Cup? That is a reusable bell-shaped menstrual cup that collects rather than absorbs.
It's like a goblet for your giblet.
Why wings? They attach on the sides of your panties, if you're wearing panties, which why would you? What's a super? - Oh, it's for - Can I swim in these? No! I'm just guessing.
It is a no, right? How do you know if you're leaking? Should I get my pants size measured? Do I need to wear all red? What's the riddle of it all? Imogen! Trial and error will inform your storm.
You don't have to know everything right away.
It's okay, you're gonna figure it out.
We all did, and we're here for you.
My mom uses this one.
I just realized I wasn't wearing anything.
(dramatic music) Oh, my God.
I'll go help.
(dry heaves) Ow.
What's going on? You alright? Kent said you were crying.
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Ow.
Whoa, you good? You hurt yourself? What's with the interview? What am I, a Celebrity? What? Because of all the questions.
Ow, I gotta Bye.
Bye.
Let her come to you, huh? Step number three, relaxi in your maxi.
This time of the month is for you.
You're like the werewolf, transforming into a bleeding beast, and you deserve to feel comfortable.
Sweat pants! Heating pad! Court, what? Don't judge me.
The pain stores up, too! Courtney, how do you swallow? Oh, believe me, she can.
Okay, some steps you can follow to feel cozy on your rosy are Whoa, very impressive.
I brought mine, too.
I really like this step.
Thanks, guys.
I really needed this.
We know, you bled on the couch.
What? Hey Imogen, don't worry.
If you follow these steps, you'll be a period pro in no time.
Now there's nothing left to do but relax and enjoy the rest of our period day.
Having my period with you guys made me kind of forget about Zapp.
Actually, periods and heartbreaks have a lot of similar remedies.
Except ours happens every single month and we bleed out of our vaginas.
Shh, this is about me.
I think I'm gonna cut some of today and make it into a segment.
I'm feeling inspired.
- Yay, Dakota.
- Good for you.
You know what? Me too.
You guys helped me realize that having my period is not embarrassing.
I'm just gonna go find Kent and tell him that I'm bleeding.
- Good for you.
- Yay, Andie! Are you? Shh.
Wow, direct eye contact.
That's new for you today.
Yeah, about that Look, Andie, I'm not into the whole playing games thing.
Neither am I, I just came here I thought that I would give you space and that you would come to me, but apparently I'm not the one you wanna talk to.
What? No, I just came here to tell you I thought we were cool enough to be honest about things and to talk things through, but We are, and I'm trying to I just want you to feel like You Don't Have to Be Alone.
But not at the expense of you having to hide things from me.
If you don't like me, just be up front about it.
I have my period! (crickets chirp) Ew, Andie! Gross! Why, no, don't! Disgusting, ever sick, no! Plug it up! You think she needs something to plug it up? I don't know, Josh.
Why is my little sister always Bringin' Da Noise about her preteen mess? Shouting made me leak.
Oh Um.
Then I realized My worst and best relationships have been with dogs.
And I don't think Patty, move! My segment is ready.
Focus up.
Right, okay.
Mm, love the mood music.
Just watch.
Here we go, let's get emotional.
Let's get emotional.
Why couldn't I just tell him? [Dakota.]
Sadness.
What if you forget you have a tampon in and you accidentally put in four? Why, why, why wings? [Dakota.]
Fear.
(screams) Anger! What you are seeing are the three emojis that Brayer's mental help thinks are acceptable to feel.
(glistening flourish) But if you look a little closer, you'll see that we're sad because we're afraid.
We're afraid because we're angry.
We're angry because you hella annoying.
(record scratches) What a meaningful piece, Dakota.
Who knew my students were such onions? Layer after layer of emotion.
Hmph, it ain't over.
In closing, where's the emoji for when you fall for a teacher, try and fail to have sex with said teacher, and are then devastated as a busted-ass counselor tries to Nope, sorry, can't hear that.
Thank you so much for trying.
It was a good job.
You know what? I don't give a care.
Just by me doing this video made me feel a whole lot better.
Thanks, Mr.
Shaw.
You know, I wouldn't have made this segment without you talking me into it.
Don't tell anyone that.
I already tweeted it.
I can't believe I just inked in front of Kent.
This is next-level humiliation.
You should try some of our meds.
You won't feel humiliated or your own skin.
Couldn't have said it better myself, Courtney.
Uh Those are mints.
Guys, I've been thinking.
What did cavewomen do when they got their periods? Just kill themselves? Getting you guys to focus is a life goal.
(knocks) Hey, can I come in? Um, yeah.
Here.
For the girl who has everything, even her period.
Aww.
Look, I'm sorry I acted like a spaz all day.
I just was embarrassed to tell you, so I avoided you and came up with crazy excuses.
I'm just glad that it's not because you're not into me.
Honestly, I was relieved when I heard you shout that you're on your period.
(laughs) It's okay, it's normal.
I have sisters, so I get it.
And if you didn't have your period, you'd have hair on your face.
That's why.
My period makes me feel randy.
Ooh, maybe I'm gonna hit up Honeybee for a Digital Digital Getdown.
(laughs) Does your period make you randy? Ew, and no.
Well, I'll settle for a kiss? That I can do.
(upbeat pop music) Hey, bro, hey, I'm leaking! Just the guy I was looking for.
Hey, man.
Yo, this girl, smash or pass? Smash.
Really? Yo, you're freaky, bro.
Yo, can I get some of these goodies? I guess so, I don't really need it.
Cool, thanks man.
See you at the game, Space Cowboy.
What? (upbeat pop music) Hmm, foursome, huh? I think groups are better in Five.
You drive me crazy out my mind You drive me crazy all the time Aggression, obsession, I don't know why You drive me crazy day and night You drive me crazy out my mind You drive me crazy all the time Aggression, obsession, I don't know why You drive me crazy day and night Break my heart and tell me come back (bright flourish)