Frasier (2023) s02e08 Episode Script

1
I'm here in Dr. Frasier Crane's
new watering hole,
a seedy Boston dive bar
where the only thing on tap is despair.
Hey, cuties!
Got a round on the house
'cause I like the way you look. (LAUGHS)
What are you guys doing?
Roz is doing a tribute piece
on my dad for the radio station.
- That's amazing!
- Yes
Radio still exists?
Well, that's why we need
Frasier to boost the ratings.
Yes, we're headed
to the West Coast tomorrow.
In fact, KACL is capping off the special
with a reprise of my live call-in show.
Yeah.
Seattle's golden boy
is coming home. (LAUGHS)
ROZ: Frasier's son rolls his eyes,
wondering why he ever agreed
to this trip.
- Oh, he'll have fun.
- Yeah.
Uh, if it's okay with you, when
I come by to water the plants,
I might have a glass
of your fancy wine, or two.
I don't have plants.
Okay, I'll get you a plant.
You know, I'm kind of
looking forward to the trip.
You know, maybe catch a Mariners game.
Your uncle still lives there, right?
Uh, no, he and Aunt Daphne moved
to Sedona.
He's a gentleman farmer now,
tilling the soil,
living off the land, you know
He owns a vineyard.
And the last thing Niles planted
was a charging station
for his Tesla.
I finished grading these papers,
and I baked these according
to your specifications.
Well, David,
this crumpet tastes
like a poor man's stroopwafel.
The nook-to-cranny ratio
is completely wrong.
And shall we talk about the shape?
And we finished
because there is no shape.
You know, it's bad enough that you make
your "teaching assistant" cook and clean
and pose as you for jury duty.
But have you ever, even once,
shown me the slightest bit
of appreciation?
Uh, Roz, is your microphone broken?
It's just, I'm detecting
a high-pitched whine.
- Dr. Finch?
- Hmm.
Do you need an assistant?
I could make myself available.
Oh, no, I would hate to steal you f
Oh, please, you'd be doing me a favor.
Uh, right, more specifically,
I really don't want
Great. We're all in agreement.
I am now Dr. Finch's assistant.
See you tomorrow.
ROZ: I'm here with
Frasier Crane's son Freddy.
Tell us about what you remember
when you visited your dad in Seattle.
Oh, well, uh, let's see.
The first image
that pops into my head is
that of a father and son fishing.
That was on
The Andy Griffith Show,
which I watched alone in my room
'cause my dad wasn't around.
I was doing very important work.
You make it sound like
I was soaked in gin,
rummaging through some discarded
tickets at the dog track.
You said I couldn't tell
the Lisbon story.
(PHONE RINGING)
ROZ: Alice.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh, just hanging out at a bar,
chatting up a fireman.
- (FRASIER CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHS) So, same old same old.
No, just trying to save KACL again.
You know, Freddy, you were so
young when I moved to Seattle.
This'll give you a chance to see
what a big shot I actually was there.
Truth be told, I'm a little
nervous about doing
the call-in show again.
Those are big shoes to fill.
You are, of course,
referring to your own shoes?
Yes.
- I just hope I'm still in shape.
- Really?
Didn't your job mainly consist
of just saying "Hmm"
with different inflections?
No, it wasn't like that at all.
My callers called in with some
very, very complex problems.
Hmm.
Yes,
and I would offer extraordinary insights
in the psychological department.
Hmm.
Talked them through
some very difficult times.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
I see what you're doing,
and it's not cute.
- It's pretty cute.
- Right?
(CHEERING)
My goodness, you guys didn't
have to go to such a fuss for
Frances.
She just got back from maternity leave.
We couldn't really afford
a second banner.
- Money is tight.
- It rather hinders the creatives.
ROZ: Gil wants
to sing some of his restaurant reviews,
and we can't afford the music rights.
Short-sighted. We might
bring in fresh listeners with:
Don't fry for me ♪
Art's Cantina. ♪
- Welcome back, Doc.
- Oh, Bulldog. (LAUGHS)
- This your son?
- Yes.
Hey. Uh, Freddy.
Used to listen to your show
all the time as a kid. Big sports fan.
- So, not your son.
- (FRASIER LAUGHS)
Oh, by the way, Frasier,
you're not gonna believe this.
Someone finally came out of the closet.
Well, if I'm honest, I think we all
Woof, woof! I'm out, I'm proud.
Old-fashioned skirt-chasers
like you and me are
a dying breed, mon frère.
I see. So, all those years,
you were overcompensating
with that toxic, frat-boy masculinity.
Nah, I still got that.
I'm just into dudes now.
Mr. July 2023,
Boston Firefighters Calendar!
I knew I'd seen you somewhere before.
Gil, how's your wife?
Oh, sturdy as a screw.
She has a big rugby weekend coming up.
Oh, how my Deb loves a scrum.
(FRASIER CHUCKLES)
You know, Freddy, I did some
pretty important work here.
Seattle, my Athens.
KACL, my agora.
And I, Socrates, dispensing
Roz, is-is is that a nest?
What the hell's going on here?
So, it's not as fancy
as it used to be here at KACL,
but you don't need bells
and whistles to do great radio.
- (WHISTLE BLOWING)
- ROZ: Oh.
Speak for yourself. Okay, everyone out.
- (HORN HONKING)
- Time for my show.
Yeah, we should get going.
Uh, I looked up some of your old callers
- for the special.
- That's a great idea.
- How many did you get?
- One.
Well, there were more,
but a couple were cute,
we went out, conflict of interest.
But point is, we got Lou,
and we're meeting him at Café Nervosa.
Terrific! Just, this is great.
You're gonna get a chance
to see your old man in action.
Yeah, so, uh, when you said we'd
probably go to a Mariners game?
I was shocked you believed that.
Lips pursed, brow furrowed,
Frasier scowls at the changes made
to his beloved Café Nervosa.
I can't believe you still
come to this place, Roz.
It's not half as charming as I remember.
It's bicycles
and workout clothes, sofas.
It's like some grungy
common room at the Y.
- That's what he calls Yale.
- Yeah.
LOU: Oh, my gosh.
Dr. Crane, I'm Lou!
I can't believe I'm finally meeting you!
(LAUGHING): Oh, it's such a pleasure.
- (QUIETLY): Did you get that?
- Oh, shoot. No.
Oh, lovely to see you.
Uh, just keep talking.
You changed my life.
- Did I?
- You told me
to follow my dreams, so,
I quit my job,
and I dedicated my life to
magic.
Sorry.
- That was supposed to Oh!
- (POPS)
There she goes. Okay.
So, uh, how's how's the magic
working out for you?
Oh, spectac
Haven't really caught on yet.
- Hmm.
- Um, but I'm sticking with it,
just like you told me.
Lou, have a seat.
- Okay.
- Um, listen,
have you got any other irons
in the fire, career-wise?
Oh. Well, I make deliveries,
sell the odd pint of blood.
But once I quit the law firm,
I never looked back.
Like you told me, "Bet on yourself."
That's the ace up my
sleeve!
Oh, here you go. It's a seven.
You showed faith in me
my wife never did.
- We're divorced now.
- Oh, Lou, I-I'm sorry.
It's fine. It's fine. You know,
I-I got to go, but, uh
You know, she remarried a great guy.
Yeah. Such a prankster.
He's always putting me
in a headlock to amuse my kids.
Well, "my" in quotes,
it turns out. (LAUGHS)
- Aah!
- (GASPS) What happened?!
Sorry. Clocks scare me.
Anyhoo,
that graveyard's not gonna mow itself.
(LOU LAUGHS)
So darn nice to meet you.
An awkward silence follows,
as Frasier clearly thinks,
"I ruined a man's life."
You said this was a puff piece.
That man's life is in shambles.
I'm gonna talk to him.
Oh, come on, Dad. You can't
honestly think you caused this.
I mean, you had one call
with the guy 20 years ago.
Yeah. Why don't you focus on
the people you actually helped?
Yeah. Maybe while surrounded
by thousands of Mariners fans?
No. You know what? I'm
I've got to help that man.
I mean, after all, my name
stands for something in this town.
Latte for Frodger?
It's Frasier!
Oh. Sorry, I'm distracted
by the Mariners no-hitter.
Are you kidding me?!
Roz? Please. Freddy has to know
that I really did help people here.
- Call Lou back. Get him back here.
- Ah.
And if you can,
just ask him
if he may have left this behind.
(SIGHS)
Just came by to collect my things.
You're tidier than usual.
Well, Mason's very efficient.
Mason?
David, have you met Mason,
my new assistant?
- Hello.
- Hello.
I hate him.
- Excuse me?
- I wasn't talking to you.
I really hate him.
And how are things getting on
with you and, um,
Ophelia, is it?
Olivia? We couldn't be happier.
I cleared your desk
and cleaned your whiteboard.
Thank you, David. Wait.
You cleared my thesis?
So that's what
a "thank you" sounds like.
You won't be hearing one
of those for a while
Mason.
You were supposed to cool off,
not escalate the situation.
I didn't escalate the situation.
I was being vengeful
in a childish and petty way.
- Well, now it's time for you to make
- (BELL RINGING)
(STAMMERS)
Dr. Cornwall is no longer
taking visitors.
If you will?
Thank you so much for saving Lucky.
Do you know why I named her Lucky?
Lou, you're bleeding.
Aw, shoot. She bit me again. (LAUGHS)
Um, Lou, I-I was wondering
if you could tell me a bit more
about your fear of clocks.
Weird, right?
Something about them makes me
feel scared, angry.
That's good. That's good.
Angry at?
Clocks, obviously.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- FREDDY: Of course.
Just your typical frustrated magician
with a crippling fear of clocks.
FRASIER: Lou, tell me.
Your ex-wife's husband,
does he wear a watch?
Yeah.
You said he puts you
in a headlock sometimes?
That would mean that you end up
being very near
Oh, my gosh, that's it!
I hear ticking when I'm trapped
in Doug's armpit!
(GASPING)
I'm not scared anymore.
The next time Doug tries
to put you in a headlock,
you throw his arms off, you stand tall
and reclaim your dignity.
I'm gonna go do that right now.
- Thanks, Dr. Crane.
- (CHUCKLES)
Still wish you were watching
a no-hitter?
Yes.
What? Uh, what is it now?
Well, it's just that David uses the
(GROANS) Of course.
I am sick and tired
of hearing about David.
Perfect, wonderful,
"tries a little too hard
with his sweaters" David.
Well, David would never
talk about David like that.
(WAILS)
I quit!
(MOANS)
(SIGHS)
Why don't you just get David back?
All he's looking for
is a little recognition.
I mean, don't you remember
what it was like being in his position,
trying to impress your professors?
Oh, I had all that nonsense
knocked out of me at Dunfaurlin.
Isn't that one of those awful
Scottish boarding schools
- they shut down?
- Oh, please.
No vegetarian option in the cafeteria
and a handful of unexplained deaths
and suddenly, it's "awful."
Uh, and did you ever get
any encouragement or affection there?
(CHUCKLES): Affection?
What were we, drunk Welshmen
after a rugby match?
Okay. I think I see
what's going on here.
Oh, let me guess.
I'm perpetuating the cycle of cruelty
I experienced as a scholar.
Well, obviously, but my takeaway
is that you respond to authority
in a Scottish accent.
So
(SCOTTISH ACCENT):
You better ask David back
and start saying "thank you,"
you great thistle arse.
Yes, matron. I'm sorry, matron, I
Oh, that took me back.
Here are your crumpets, Professor Finch.
(REGULAR VOICE): Ah, thank you.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Mmm.
Have one, Alan,
and then tell David what you think.
(SIGHS)
David, these are
(SCOTTISH ACCENT):
Out with it, you stubborn git.
not the worst I've ever had.
Also
I owe you an apology,
and I will give it to you eventually.
Dr. Finch, could I be
Professor Cornwall's
(REGULAR VOICE): Yes! Sorry.
Yes.
Well, David, uh
if I may presume?
You may, sir.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, finally. We're on in two
minutes. Where have you been?
It takes time
to turn a man's life around.
You can't rush these things.
Yeah, he also chose
Uber Pool by mistake.
- Did you help Lou?
- FRASIER: Yes.
I did. We may never
see each other again,
but he will always serve as a reminder
to myself and Freddy
of the good I did in Seattle.
Thank you, Lou.
You're welcome.
Sorry to barge in,
but I'm in a teensy bit of trouble.
Uh, why, what's going on?
Welp, I tried escaping
from Doug's headlock
like you told me, and darn if it didn't
throw him clean out of his wheelchair.
Um
did you mention a wheelchair?
I think I'm facing charges?
And, uh, Doug's my landlord,
so he threw me out of my apartment.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
Oh, God, I can't breathe.
- All right, all right
- We are live. We are live in
I know, Roz,
you're just gonna have to stall.
- Think of something.
- How am I supposed to do that?
JENNIFER (OVER PHONE):
Hi, Gil. Oh, gosh.
I really want to start a family,
but my boyfriend isn't ready.
Oh, what do I do?
Well, Jennifer, darling,
I do find that a good meal
helps me think things through.
And if you enjoy Chinese food
There's no dim sum
like Cho dim sum ♪
It's oh, so very delish! ♪
That's it, Lou. Slow deep breaths.
Frasier, I have got to get you
back on the air.
Right. He's having
a bit of a panic attack.
Do you think we could
get him a cup of tea?
If you have a teabag and a cup.
Maybe we can turn the air up?
If you have an air conditioner.
Roz, what has happened to this place?
- I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.
- No, no, no, please, please stay.
Stay.
Lou, uh
there's something I need
to tell you, and, uh,
this-this might be kind of hard to hear.
- What's that?
- Well
Sometimes we have to move on
from a career
when it's not exactly panning out.
My magic career?
I can't just quit.
I've barely given it 20 years.
I know it may have been a-a big
part of your life, but, uh
There comes a time, uh,
and I realize how hard it is
to let go of something,
e-especially when it's been
a part of your life for so long,
but
eventually, it's time to admit
that we have to move on.
LOU: Wow. Tough talk.
Could I have some water, please?
Of course.
- Yes, we have water.
- Oh.
Roz? I don't know if you noticed
what I was saying to Lou
Yeah, I noticed.
KACL isn't what it was.
No.
And Alice is living in Rhode Island.
Maybe you could find something
more rewarding to do on the East Coast.
It was so much fun.
- It was.
- (LAUGHS)
Yes, but we can't get stuck in the past.
As Thomas Wolfe wrote,
to "the green and hopeful
and still-virgin meadows of the future."
Say
is it breezy in here?
- (GASPS) Oh, God!
- Ah! No!
No!
I'll call 911.
- Lou, don't jump!
- What?
I wasn't going to jump.
Lucky got out and I was trying
to get her back in.
But maybe
maybe you're right.
Maybe I wasted my whole life
and I should jump.
- No, no, Lou
- No, Lou. No, no.
Listen, I know moving on
to a different career
is-is challenging, but once you take
that first big step,
- that giant leap, you
- Dad!
Use better metaphors.
Lou, listen, I'm a firefighter
I get it.
Everyone has a better job than me.
No, I just Lou, my point is,
you have so much to live for.
Like what?
Like, uh, uh, your
your rabbit Lucky,
and your, uh, wife's kids.
My kids think I'm a joke.
FRASIER: Yes, and that's-that's
an awful feeling, isn't it, Lou?
Every parent wants their children
to-to be proud of them.
I mean, look at me, I dragged my son
all the way back to Seattle to
prove what a big shot I used to be.
Yeah what, why would you not
think that I'm proud of you?
Well, it's not easy
to be proud of a man who,
who moved across country
when you were a child.
I guess a part of me wanted to prove,
to you a-and me, that I did it
for the right reason.
Of course you did, Dad, I mean,
you helped so many people.
And did I wish you were around more?
Sure, but you're around now.
There's no point dwelling in the past.
Not mad at me for missing
your baseball game?
No.
- It's fine.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Just kind of wanted to do something
- I would've done with Grandpa.
- Yeah.
Feel like I'm
still making up for missing his funeral.
Oh, Freddy.
You don't have to worry about that.
Did you forget I'm here?!
Sorry!
Why does everyone act like Lou
doesn't exist?
But that's-that's good, Lou,
you get that rage out.
- Yeah. Just
- You-you get it
- no more apologies, no more
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- Right. Right, sorry.
I can't believe I let you
talk me into becoming a magician.
BOTH: Mm
From now on, I'm not listening
to anyone but Lou.
BOTH: Hmm.
I'll go back into personal injury law.
Those people who got hit by cars
won't know what hit them.
BOTH: Hmm
What are you, white-noise machines?
Stop humming!
Lucky, get your furry ass
back in here, now.
ROZ: Thank God.
Frasier? I got to get you on the air.
Gil is singing
"Like a Rolling Scone."
I thought there was a caller
on line three.
Did you lose the caller again?
Somebody moved line three. (STAMMERS)
This stinks! This is total B.S.!
This is oh, found it.
In between two and four.
Yes, uh, thank you, thank you, Gil.
Thank you, Bulldog.
And, uh, my apologizes, Seattle,
uh, for that delay.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
- Grandpa's favorite bar.
- Mm.
This was a good idea.
Yeah, I thought
you'd get a kick out of it.
I know your granddad would be
pretty happy to see the two
of us sitting here at McGinty's.
(EXHALES)
Yeah.
You know
you got to forgive yourself
for missing his funeral.
Someone just told me,
you can't stay stuck in the past.
You're here now,
we're celebrating his life.
That's all that matters.
Thanks.
Grandpa ever drag you
to his work?
Mm. Yeah, he took us down
to the precinct once.
I actually thought it was to sort of do
a "Scared Straight" thing, you know?
Niles and I had been
picked up for loitering.
I tried to explain we were just
performing Waiting for Godot.
It was a little absurd,
I suppose, but
You know,
it never occurred to me that
he just wanted us
to be proud of what he did.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Well, we were proud of you, Dad.
I should've told you more often.
You know, the first time the Seahawks
won the NFC Championship,
Grandpa and I had a beer here
to celebrate.
Yeah. 2006?
Mm-hmm.
- You were 17.
- Can't live in the past, Dad.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Anyway,
thanks for bringing me here.
It was a pleasure.
Seattle's gone through a lot of changes,
but McGinty's, still the same.
What are you guys doing at a gay bar?
Okay,
maybe it's changed a little.
(CLEARS THROAT)
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
They're callin' again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Nice seeing you, Seattle!