Fresh Meat (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Hey, Book-o? What's with all the books? Exams are over, Booky Two Shoes.
There's no need to read.
We've been freed.
I need to read some of Frobisher's stuff for work.
Fro-posher - that's the poet guy that you killed, right? I didn't kill him.
I just happened to be the last person he went on a drink and drugs bender with before his heart packed up.
Ugh! Don't get me wrong.
I think killing poets is a good thing.
What do you mean "for work"? Shales is giving me some Cheddar for the stuff Frobisher said the night we hung out.
Cool.
Only I can't remember what Frobisher said the night we hung out, cos we were totally fucked.
Right.
OK.
Downstairs.
Now! This house is sinking.
But fear not, I'm building a life boat.
And it's women and caners first! Tick and tick.
What's wrong with this place anyway? Why move? Well, for a start, it doesn't have a wine cellar.
And a wet room would be nice.
Sometimes you can hear other housemates wanking each other off.
What? When it's quiet, you can.
The flush on the toilet isn't powerful enough.
My mattress makes a noise like I've farted.
Is that your mattress? Look, we're coming towards the end of our contract, and I thought, why not just go in for an upgrade.
House 2.
0.
Yeah, whatever you decide, then count me in! Because I'll definitely want a room, because I'll definitely be here.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
I've nurtured you from young cubs.
Now you're lions.
Such is the circle of life.
Hakuna and indeed matata.
It was nice knowing yous.
Howard, you can't go - you're coming with us.
Am I? Yes, you are.
Because we are like Marines and we never leave a man behind.
That would be nice.
Oh, that'll be Tony Shales.
Oh, that'll be Dylan.
Oh, this is weird.
Only it's not weird at all.
Because I've explained everything.
About coming round to see Vod.
I just meant it's a weird coincidence.
I agree with Tony.
It's not weird at all.
So we should probably get out of each other's way.
Do you want a cup of tea, babe? - Love one.
- Yes, please.
Sorry.
You said "babe" then, didn't you? Sorry, I thought you were going to say "Professor", as in "Professor Shales".
My mistake.
I was talking to Dylan.
He's my babe.
I still love you.
Fuck off.
Frobisher's death has been amazing.
It's totally re-energised my career.
I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm feasting on his corpse, but I'm so in demand now.
My book's about to be reprinted, they want me on Front Row.
There's even a suggestion I might be on the Booker jury.
Jean hates me right now.
It's wonderful.
So you're making a bit of cash off it, then? Yeah.
Little bit.
Speaking of money, can I have my money? There you go.
£200.
It's gone up.
- Since when? - Since you started talking about how well you're doing.
I'm not doing that well.
This is academia we're talking about.
It's gone up to 1,000.
I can give you another 50? Yeah, fine.
So, my publisher's waiting.
What did he say? What does the Red Lady stand for? He said it was symbolic of his cock.
Really.
Really? Straight up.
Swear on my nan's life.
Unbelievable.
That's unbelievable.
Yeah.
I know.
Isn't it? Fertility, power, creation - that works.
That totally works.
Good.
Shit, I've got to completely rewrite my foreword.
And chapter five.
And chapter six.
Oh, my God - chapter six! So I went to check out that house, and it was basically exactly the same as this except it smelt really weird.
So I thought fuck it.
We're just going to stay here, but we'll upgrade it.
I've drawn up some plans.
My decks will go over there, mirror balls, optics, stage for the erotic live shows.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to House 2.
0.
Ignore the cocks - they're just decorative.
So, speaking of House 2.
0, which could potentially be quite annoying, I'm going to ask Heather to move in with us.
What with me.
If that's all right with everyone.
No way, Jose.
Not a chance, Charles Dance.
Why not? What have you got against Heather? You're a couple, I'm not living with a couple - they're very coupley.
If you two are having breakfast, I have to get Oregon to come downstairs with me, so I don't feel like Glenn the fucking Gooseberry.
And I mean this like in a really nice way, erm, she can be a little bit weird sometimes.
She's not weird.
How is she how is she weird? Give me one example.
Well, like she says really weird stuff sometimes.
Like when she said we should paint the house purple so we could know what it's like to live inside a bruise.
That's just her sense of humour.
She's got a great sense of humour.
Everything she says sounds like a hipster joke.
Mate, she's a sarcastronaut and she rides an irono-cycle.
Whereas you're painfully earnest.
She's not right for you.
Fuck off, she's perfect for me.
So, sorry, what are you saying? That I have to choose between you and my girlfriend? No.
OK, well, fine.
I choose Heather.
So fuck you! Kingsley, come back Kingsley.
Kingsley! Look, it's fine, we don't need him, we can still stay together.
We just need someone to replace him.
Could be Giles.
Could be Howard's weird psychopath boyfriend from the abattoir.
Could be Sabine? Would Sabine move back in? I don't think she would.
She might, we could ask.
Howard, can you Skype Sabine and ask her whether she's willing to move back in with us? I will not be doing that.
Why not? Because she has just sent me an email informing me that she is pregnant and I am the father of her child.
Dylan, what the fuck are you doing here?! I just came to say hi.
Well, you can't just come and say hi! Well, why not? Oh, my God - isn't it obvious? No? Because it's rude.
It's rude to come and see you? Yes! It feels like you're checking up on me.
I'm not checking up on you.
I just came to say hi.
Well, great.
You've said hi and you've checked up on me and you've made sure your little songbird is in its cage.
So I think you should probably go before I get really cross about this patronising bullshit.
OK.
Can I have a kiss? For fuck's sake fine.
Oh, come on! The landlord's given me the keys even though we're not moving in till autumn, so we can move our stuff in whenever.
That is so cool! Oh, my God! I know.
Right? That was my first reaction as well.
"Oh, my God!" It's so small! Yeah, I know! It's cute, isn't it? The hallway is actually bigger than the flat.
Yeah! Not quite, but yeah.
So can I give you the tour? Will it take long? Only kidding.
So this is the bedroom area.
And then this is the cooking-slash-dining slash-living-slash-reception- slash-chillout area.
And that concludes our tour.
Oh, my God, it's going to be amazing.
Like grown-ups.
I can sit here and grow my beard and we can get a microwave and we can keep it really clean.
And we could get a cat.
No cat.
It's too small for a cat.
That would be cruel.
Thanks for popping in, Oregon.
So I've sorted the wording for the invites.
"Rhombus Press invites you to the launch "of its first bi-annual collection of essays, "Ian McEwan's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf" I saw my son kissing a girl earlier and I damaged my corpuscle muscle and it hurts.
Ah Leave him alone.
He's got a new girlfriend called Melissa and she's supposed to be lovely and I don't want you to ruin that.
Uh, Melissa is is my real name.
If any of us have "real" names, according to Derrida's study of names I see.
All right.
Well, so, now I'm wondering when you're going to end it.
Will Tuesday be all right? Because I'd like him to meet a nice girl who hasn't fucked his dad.
And there are hundreds of girls who haven't fucked his dad, so if we can just clear out of the way all the girls whohavefucked his dad, then maybe we could set him up with one who hasn't.
But, Jean, I love him.
No, you don't.
Now, either you tell him, or I tell him.
Understood? I'll tell him.
Lovely, thanks.
Oh, by the way.
My brother Andrew and my aunt Eleanor are coming to the party.
Try not to fuck either of them.
What's with all the boxes? We're leaving some stuff at our new place over the summer.
What? No! You can't do that! You can't leave! You have to stay here! We're moving out, JP.
Look, what if I give you my room? You can have it as a sort of pied-a-terre-slash-fuckpad.
I'll sleep in Howard's crouching spot.
No.
What are you doing? Writing a poem.
What's it about? It's a lost John Frobisher poem called What We Talk About When We Talk Out Our Mouths.
I'm going to flog it to Shales.
Clear my overdraft.
OK.
Isn't that forgery? Yeah.
You know, I always knew I was creative, but what's really surprised me, though, is the awesome power of my imagination.
It's like there's literally nothing I can't imagine.
Is that my imagination? Howard, is there a pig in our garden? Yes.
Why is there a pig in our garden? Because I have decided to rescue an animal to atone for my sins at the abattoir.
Look, what if I threw in some His and Hers monogrammed dressing gowns? K's already paid the deposit.
We'll have a house meeting, tonight in the pub, and I want everyone to be there.
I cannot attend.
I have no social life because of my pig.
I've got to feed my pig.
I love my pig, but I have a selfish pig.
Aren't you? Yes, you are! You can bring the fucking pig.
Dylan, there's something I want to tell you.
Oh, well, there's something I want to tell you too.
But, you go first.
No, you go first.
- Really? - Yeah.
OK.
Uh, well I've been thinking.
Um do you want to take a year's sabbatical and go travelling around South America with me? Oh, my God! Are you serious? I just I think it would besogreat.
Just the two of us, just reading and talking.
That would be perfect! Oh, my God! I could write my novel! I could read it! I'll need something to read! Oh, my God! That would be amazing! I would totally love to do that! Let's totally do that! Let's do that now.
Let's do it tonight.
Er, well I can't go tonight.
I'm waiting for my passport.
But in three weeks' time we are out of here.
OK, how's this - we go to Scotland.
Now, immediately, tonight.
Then, three weeks' time, we fly from Glasgow to La Paz.
Yeah, could do.
Hey, what did you want to say? You have nice eyes.
Thanks.
Oh, and the other thing I wanted to say was my mum has invited me to your party tomorrow.
Oh, fuck! Uh, cos the other thing I was going to say is I'm not going to the party tomorrow.
You have to go.
It's your party.
We should do something else.
We could go on a day trip.
We could go to Glasgow.
We could go anywhere.
Isn't that amazing? My mum made me promise to go.
She's got something important to tell me.
OK, I will go to the party, actually, yeah.
Oh, great.
Yeah brilliant.
I er, sold my Frobisher poem to Shales.
This is the start of the poetry millions, motherhumpers! I am joining the gravy train all the way to Dubai with Andy Motion and Purple Ronnie.
So the reason that I've asked you all here today is because I think it's very important that we talk.
Actually, I've got an announcement to make Yeah, zip it.
When I said "we", what I actually meant by that was "me".
Dylan's asked me if I would do him the honour of going backpacking round Brazil with him.
And I've said yes.
And we're going to end up in Rio so if any of you fancy a beach holiday at the end of the summer that would be really cool, because we probably won't see you after cos we're taking a year off to go backpacking around the whole of South America.
How dare you? This is a disaster! It's a disgrace! II'm sorry, I need a minute, just to Don't you think you should have a word with Dylan before you go? Tell the lad you've had his dad? I'm not going to tell him.
It would be a waste.
Cos I could be captured by narco-terrorists and then I can just tell him on video.
So your plan is to go to South America, get kidnapped and then tell him from a secure compound? Yeah.
And then, if he's sad, it will give him a sense of perspective.
Oh, it would.
OK.
So, I've, er, regrouped.
Actually, Kingsley and I also have an announcement.
Oh, for fuck's sake! We are getting a place together.
Because we are very much in love.
Isn't that right, Kings? Yes.
Oh, that's great.
That is so fucking selfish! Vod, you're still staying with me, aren't you? You fucking kidding me? Just me and you? Not going to happen, mate.
OK.
Look.
I really want you all to stay.
Well, count me in! I don't know if I've said before, but I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be here.
Well, I've contacted the university and I'm in the process of buying the house.
What?! Yeah, that's right.
This shit just got real.
I'm going to buy the house and then lease you back your rooms at half the rent so we can all stay together.
So what do you say? And I won't take no for an answer.
Oregon? No.
Yeah, I won't take no for an answer.
Are we staying together, Kingsley? No.
I won't take no for an answer.
Funky, are we staying together? No.
I won't take no for an answer.
Look you're not listening.
We have to stay together.
I want us to stay together.
We need to stay together.
I will make you stay with me.
JP, stop it.
You don't understand! My dad's dead, my mum's sold up, I've been deserted by all of my friends with proper trousers.
And, yeah, when I first met you I thought you were a group of freaks and losers and pinheads.
And you were, but Will you please be fucking quiet, Jenny?! I need you guys! That house is not just my house.
It's my home.
JP, you cannot turn the tide.
You are not Canute.
Well, no, hold on.
Canute could not turn the tide.
You are Canute.
It's over, JP.
What if I threw in a hot tub? It's going to be great next year.
Just the two of us.
Yeah.
Although I am going to miss sharing.
You won't miss sharing.
I mean, you've got a great place.
I love this place.
It's so cosy.
It's hard to lose anything! Shall we open another bottle of wine? Could do, yeah.
Why not? Oh, I don't know.
Or maybe not.
We could just talk, and if we want, we could open it later? Could do.
Actually, I'm I'm quite tired.
Can we stay here tonight? Sure.
Do you want to crash here? Oh, um I don't know.
Is there room? It's not like there's a guest bedroom! No.
Maybe I should go.
Erm, well, are you sure? Don't try to talk her out of it, babe.
She's obviously made up her mind.
Yeah.
OK.
I'll see you out.
OK.
Erm Well, here we are.
Thanks for showing me out.
Thanks for coming over.
I'm really glad Kingsley invited you round.
Yeah, no, it's been great.
It's nice, the three of us together again.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was.
I hope it's not the last time we do this.
But, you know, Vod's moving out, Oregon's heading off, we've got a place together.
Everyone's sort of moving on.
Maybe it would be good for you to do that too.
Yeah, erm maybe.
It was just a thought.
Night.
Hey, Kingsley, serious question - is my TV bigger than your new flat? No.
I bet it is.
Are you having second thoughts about moving out? No.
I bet you are.
If anything, it's making me want to move out faster.
Hi, guys! So, we're going to go now.
To the party which will be great.
Please come to the party, to support me.
And to have a nice time.
Free booze! Um, because the party will be lovely obviously.
Why wouldn't it be? Bit nervous.
Silly, I know - it's a party.
A party! Everyone's going to have a great time.
You have to tell him, now.
Before you get to the house the house where his mum lives.
Cos otherwise, Mummy Bear is going to tell Baby Bear about how Goldilocks used to think Daddy Bear's porridge tasted just right.
I know.
You're right.
I do, don't I? Do I? I do.
I do.
But do I? No, I do, I do.
And I will.
I'm going to.
I'll definitely do it now.
I'll do it now.
Are we waiting for any reason? No.
I'll be outside.
I'll tell him on the way.
I swear.
You should tell him.
Not that it's my business.
I did not know you were coming back.
Hey, Sabster, is there any chance you want to maybe move back in? No, I only came back to see my PhD supervisor.
I wouldn't have come back, at all, because, as you know, I don't like you and you are not good people, but I decided since I am here I will collect my sandwich toaster before you put it on eBay.
OK So, here we are.
Let's just wait here a bit before we go in.
Why? Because I need to tell you I love you.
I know I've already said that, but I really, really love you.
I love you, too.
Good.
Would you like a cup of tea? No, thank you.
I don't like the way you make your tea.
It is not nice.
OK.
Just so you know, I have been testing my parental skills with a small pig I recently acquired from the abattoir, and they are adequate.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that we should live together.
Could be here, could be Rotterdam, although obviously the Netherlands are less interesting than the United Kingdom, geologically speaking.
That is a factor.
Howard Sabine please.
I have done a cost-benefit analysis and it shows we should get married.
I was not expecting this.
Yes, the results of the cost-benefit analysis surprised to me, too.
But, look It wouldn't have to be romantic unless you wanted it to be.
It would be more like an arranged marriage, but we've arranged it.
I'm not pregnant.
My period was late, but then it came.
Sabine, I have been rearing a pig in preparation.
Did you not think to mention this?! I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I didn't realise you'd rear a pig.
Nevertheless Apology accepted.
Would you be interested in, any way, marrying me at all? I'm not going to marry you.
That's a really weird idea.
For Dutch person, marriage is not an option.
Nobody gets married any more.
But just so you know you are a real trier at making love and we had some great sex.
So Sorry, OK? Of course.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
So predictable.
Classic.
Absolutely classic.
Woo hoo-hoo! Party! What the fuck?! Oh, shit.
Dylan, I think I left my mobile in the car.
Could you go and check? It's probably in your bag.
Go check the fucking car.
OK.
I will go and do that.
You haven't told him, have you? I was wondering Instead of telling him today, could I tell him in three weeks' time, in Belem? It's in Brazil.
No.
I won't lie to him, Oregon.
I'll give you ten minutes.
Oh, um, no, thanks.
I think I'll just have an orange juice, sort of, end of year resolution.
So, where's Heather? She's stuck having lunch with her parents.
Oh, shame.
Hm.
So, well done us, for getting through the first year.
Here's to next year.
Yeah.
I mean, I won't be here, cos I got on to Zoology in Southampton.
What? You can't do that.
Er, yeah, no, I can, cos, er, donkeys have teeth, too.
And with animals, if you accidentally drill through the side of their face, they don't make a fuss.
But that's mental.
So, like, this could be the last time I ever see you? Yeah, I guess so.
But that's stupid.
Tony, I need to talk to you.
Interesting.
Because last time I saw you, you were telling me to fuck off.
But I've been thinking, everything's going well for me at the moment so, in a way, it might be better if you were to fuck off.
Because you're young and you don't have two mortgages.
And if the rumours about us got out, you wouldn't lose your job.
I've been thinking it might be good if maybe you went to York.
What? We need a clean slate and you're very tempting to me, as you know.
But everything would be good for me, if you were in York.
And good for you, too, of course.
It's a very good university.
There's the Jorvik Centre.
Fuck off, Tony.
Stop telling me to fuck off.
It's not nice.
Listen, Jean is about to tell Dylan about us.
Now.
Right now.
Oh, shit.
Here's what I'm thinking - we let Jean tell Dylan.
Then we deny everything.
Then we say that Jean's mad.
OK.
Great.
I like it.
- I mean I don't think it'll work, but - It's two against one.
If we both say Jean's losing it, then maybe we can convince Dylan that sheislosing it.
Maybe you could go further - you can put her handbag in the fridge.
Or we could hire a lookalike, then people will say they've seen her in places she hasn't been.
It could work.
She's so self-dramatising anyway.
But we have to be clear we must never admit to anyone that we slept together.
What?! Ah.
Now.
Taken out of context, that may have sounded odd.
Yes, it did.
It really did.
Well, it's a long story.
My God, Dylan, I'm so sorry.
Dylan, we had sex and we had a couple of mini-breaks in Buxton and Stratford.
And Buttermere.
So you're what, having an affair? No, absolutely not.
Not any more.
Oh, fucking hell.
I mean what the fuck, Dad? That's my girlfriend.
Firstly, Dylan, less of the language.
Secondly, in many ways, consider this my seal of approval.
I think she's great! Dylan, it was all in the past.
It was before I met you.
Yes, I did love your dad, and yes, I, sort of, had a crush on your mum.
Sorry, you fancy my mum? Not really.
I just wanted to fuck her mind.
But then I met you and I realised it was you I really loved.
Have you told him? Oh, shitting fuck Dylan, language! You knew, too? Am I the only person at this party that didn't know? Did you know? Yeah, I, kind of, did, geez.
Sorry.
Bit of a head fuck really, isn't it? Do you mind? Sorry.
Oregon? Does this mean you might be up for sharing the house again? Wrong moment? I really like champagne flutes.
Yeah, they're good, aren't they? Yeah.
Why are they called flutes, though? I don't know.
I mean, they're not really like flutes, are they? They're not really like any sort of musical instrument.
But I suppose if you rub them in a certain way they will make a noise.
So, in that sense they are like a musical instrument.
I like flutes, but not as much as I like trumpets.
Yeah.
I love trumpets.
I fucking love them.
Yeah.
I fucking love them, as well.
So to recap none of my friends want to live with me, my mum doesn't want to know me, my dad's dead and this really isn't working as a come on, so I'm just going to walk away now, because my heart's not really in this.
What? Where? There? Is that right? Yes! Yes! Fuck off! Bravo, Tony.
Well done.
This is classic displacement.
You don't care about Dylan.
You're jealous because my book is overshadowing yours.
You're just using him as a way to hurt me because you're a cold bitch.
You all right? Just because I don't fuck my students doesn't mean I'm a cold bitch.
Not for the first time, your understanding of subtext is found wanting.
There you are, Jean! Polly, hi Dylan knows about Tony and Tony wants me to go to York.
What a bastard.
Tell you what, I could try to get you both in if you want.
There's also a rail museum.
You're a rail museum! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck off! At least there's always you, Howard.
You're constant.
You never change.
I've come to say goodbye.
I'm going home.
And unlike Arnie and 1970s-style stagflation, I may not be back.
Don't say that.
What about me? I am so confused.
It's like my operating system has been infected by a Trojan horse called Sabine.
I need to perform a full system scan and reboot.
Howard, you can't go.
Look, when I first met you, you were an uber-dweeb.
And now, you're still very much on the spectrum, but I've learnt to like you.
Not like.
I've become attached to you.
Like someone might become attached to a good dry cleaners or an affable concierge.
So, you see, you have to stay.
OK, off now.
Fuck off! Fuck off! Or are we just all sheep, dressed in Virginia Woolf's clothing? So let me just say, thank you to all of you, for being here.
To celebrate me! Cheers.
Cheers.
I'd, er, also like to say some words.
As you know, Tony is about to have a book published.
A book about the poet John Frobisher.
In it, he says that Frobisher's Red Lady is symbolic of his cock.
It's not symbolic of his cock.
It's symbolic of art.
And I know that because John Frobisher wrote that to me in a book of his poems he gave me on a night we did loads of coke.
Guess his book's going to need another re-write, eh? So in conclusion, John Frobisher is great, especially that last poem.
"What we talk about when we talk out our mouths".
And Tony Shales is a bell end.
Cheers.
Thank you, Vod.
Thank you so much.
I would also like to make a speech.
Um, as many of you will have just realised, I am about to become a laughing stock.
My academic career is in tatters.
Er, of course, things could be worse and, indeed, they are.
I have had an affair with one of my students, who, in turn, has started sleeping with my son, who has just found out about our pre-existing relationship.
It's all right, everyone.
I've spoken to Dylan.
And I think he's OK.
Fuck you, Dad! Wanker.
Every aspect of my life and my family's life has unravelled.
So, it's congratulations to my son and commiserations to me.
Public apology.
We're all so unhappy.
We're all dying inside at the summer party.
But, I will fight my son for the hand of that fair maiden.
I will not let go of the woman that I ravished so hungrily on that picnic table in the Lake District.
I love you, Oregon! Fuck off, Granddad! Who knew that having sex sober could be so much fun? Fair dos to us, to the the team - we did do it brilliantly.
Yeah, like, we, together, must just be like really, really good at sex.
As a pairing, it's one of our core skill sets.
Fuck off! Fuck off! Dylan, I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
No, I've thought about you being with my Dad, um No, don't think about it.
I don't want you to think about it.
I've thought about it and and I've had a walk and a think and a vodka and I've set fire to my duvet and I've thought about it some more and I've thought maybe, actually, it's it's OK.
I mean, you didn't know me.
I didn't know you so, maybe, actually, it's OK.
I mean, let's never have a big family meal.
That that would be weird, but I've thought about and I think I can forget about all that and just think about you and me instead.
Actually, I've thought about it again and it's too weird.
You fucked my dad.
Well, what the fuck's that about? Chocolate shaped like unicorns! Drinking strawberry milkshake in the bath! Fat puppies falling off tables, but never hurting themselves! Having perfectly white, perfectly straight teeth, for ever! Headlining Glastonbury! Having a latte with Johnny Depp! I think she'll be OK.
Yeah, she'll be OK.
So look what about us? What happens next? What do you mean? I've split up with Heather? I don't believe you.
I can show you the text.
Oh, that's classy.
What did she say? I don't know.
She hasn't replied yet.
Oh.
What? It hasn't sent.
Shall I re-send it? It's up to you.
It's kind of up to me.
And it's, kind of, up to you, too? 'I just' want to know, before I get off my current train that, you know, there's a coach wait I mean, that obviously that sounds bad.
No, no, no, that's fine.
All aboard the rail replacement Josie bus.
Er, you know, maybe we should just take some time and think about what we want.
Sure, sure, but, I-I know what I want.
I just don't want to end up between girlfriends, because of a misunderstanding.
I am happy to finish with Heather, totally It's me! Hi! Goodnight.
Sorry.