Fuller House (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

A Tangled Web

1 La, la la la la la Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, a hand to hold onto Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a face Of somebody who needs you Everywhere you look Yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La, la la la la la Ooh - [speaking Spanish.]
El gato.
- [speaking Spanish.]
Muy bien.
La leche.
This is too easy.
Give me some advanced Spanish.
[in Spanish.]
I hope you never learn Spanish so Papa and I can talk about you without you understanding.
[speaking English.]
Yes, I would love a hotdog.
[speaking English.]
You really have a good ear for Spanish.
Namaste.
And then, I looked at you and it was so funny! And then, I looked at you and it was even funnier! [cackles wildly.]
[cackles wildly.]
Oh, gimme a Gibbler Nibbler.
[both.]
Mmm Are we not the cutest? Absolutely.
You are not the cutest.
Hey, Jimmy.
Did I tell you that I wrote a song about you? Man, just when I think this day can't get any more magical, poof! You go and pull a rabbit out of my heart.
Come here, magic man.
[both.]
Mmm [in Spanish.]
We get it.
Enough.
[speaking English.]
No thank you.
I'm off carbs.
So, in closing, 88% of corn was genetically modified in 2011.
That's five times as much as 20 years ago.
Thank you.
The end.
[Spanish accent.]
Max, this is so exciting! Your whole class is coming here to see your sustainable farm project.
Oh, but the last time they came, the boys left the bathroom a mess.
They're not great aimers.
Sometimes we're not aiming.
We're having fun peeing our name.
Well, just so you know, my project's going to win the green ribbon.
Oh, yes, that green ribbon will be mine.
[evil laugh.]
Max, it's not about winning.
It's about doing your best.
And never laugh like that again.
Well, word on the jungle gym is Taylor's the one to beat.
I believe they're talking about it on the swing set too.
Taylor.
What a pleasant surprise.
Hello, Doctor Fuller.
[sniffs.]
Is that a new perfume? Enchanting.
Yeah, I just picked it up at Nordstrom Rack and I Why am I telling you this? Hello, I'm Taylor's dad.
And may I just add, that is a beautiful blouse.
You think so? I find it a little busy.
[whispers.]
Sorry.
Can I help you with something, Taylor's dad? We're just here to scout the venue.
We need lots of space to unveil Taylor's solar-powered all-terrain vehicle.
Which I built all by myself.
- Right, Dad? - Right, son.
Anyway, we're gonna need more room.
Can we get rid of these boxes full of weeds? Weeds? This is my sustainable farm, man.
[both laugh.]
[both.]
Adorable.
It so happens that my son worked very hard on this.
Perhaps you're unaware that he was the valedictorian of second grade.
Only because Taylor was studying abroad at the foreign exchange program for the academically gifted.
Max plays chess.
Taylor teaches chess.
Can I speak to you privately for a moment? You should really prepare your son for his inevitable defeat.
It doesn't matter what the outcome is, as long as he tries hard and has fun.
See, that is so comforting.
That is exactly what you should say to him when he loses.
Taylor, let's go.
Let's go get a pre-victory snack.
Who wants a McRib? Winners do! I have two questions.
Did Taylor really build a solar-powered ATV all by himself? And secondly, McRibs are back? Yeah! McRibs are back for a limited time! And no.
Taylor didn't build that thing.
His dad did.
If Taylor's dad can help him win, then your mom can help you win.
But you said it wasn't about winning.
Oh.
No, that's when I thought you were going to win.
Cosmo, pay attention.
My girlfriend Lola is bringing her new dog, Spot, for me to watch overnight, so I need you to play nicely and be very careful where you sniff.
Lola wants us both to watch her dog.
I'm her boo, so I'm in charge.
Hey, Mr.
In-charge, your shirt's on backwards.
And inside out.
I know.
Now.
Hi, guys! Meet Spot! That's not a dog.
That's a tarantula.
Why would you name a tarantula Spot? Because when he bites, he leaves a spot! Ooh, you wanna pet him? Well, your boo's in charge so you should probably let him do that.
Oh, no, no I'm a gentleman.
Ladies first.
I insist.
I gotta go.
Here is a box of crickets for his dinner.
And FYI, he loves being stroked on his fuzzy little thorax.
Who doesn't? - Thank you, guys.
- No problem! Nah, don't worry, I got this, bae.
All right, see ya.
Bye.
I'll give you 20 bucks to watch him.
Let's be grateful she left her snake at home.
She has a snake too? Why am I so attracted to bad girls? All right.
Thanks so much, you guys.
This is my new song with my new band.
And I wrote this song for my dreamy boyfriend, Jimmy.
It's called "The Boy Next Door.
" Because Jimmy grew up next door, and he's a boy.
Oh, that works on so many levels.
Two, three, four Used to think I was unlucky in love Lonely days What my nights were made of Broken hearts and lots of empty wishes Tired of wasting all of my best kisses Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Opposites attract Perfectly mismatched Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh We were black and white Now it seems so right Hey, hey, the boy next door You could be the love I've searched everywhere for Hey, hey, the boy next door Who'd have ever thought it'd be him I would adore? The b oy next door Ooh, the boy next door The b oy next door - It's him that I adore - The boy next door Who'd have ever thought it'd be the boy next door? [all cheer.]
[sighs.]
Thank you, family who would cheer for me even if I stunk.
Oh, no you slayed it.
[cries.]
I'm sorry, guys.
Once I start crying, there goes the whole day.
I too was deeply moved.
The last time I cried this much was for Argentina.
People, pull it together.
It's a song, not Toy Story 3.
All right, you guys, why don't you take a five? - Steph, I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
Hey, will you guys put Tommy down for a nap? - Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
Max, Fernando and I have a green ribbon to win.
Mom.
If we lose, you'll still love me, right? Of course I will.
But we're gonna win, so we don't have to find out.
Steph-osaurus, your song is so good, you need to share it with the world.
You know, I could make a YouTube video.
Oh, I don't know.
I just wrote this song for you.
Well, it'll be the story of our love set to your music.
Well, I don't expect anything to come of this, but if it makes you happy, then it makes me happy.
Great! I'm already cutting it together in my head.
It'll be a wide shot and then a close-up and then a smash-cut, cut to commercial.
Man, it would be nice if there was some place we could watch entertainment where there were no commercials.
Hmm I'd pay a monthly fee for that.
Mom, I've brushed my teeth and I'm ready for bed.
What? You wanna go to bed now? And let Taylor's dad beat me? Sleep is for losers! But it's past my bedtime and I don't wanna be tired tomorrow.
Oh, don't worry.
You're having a Red Bull for breakfast.
Now, come on, let's practice your speech.
I've put a lot of work into it and I don't want you to screw it up.
But I thought my old speech was pretty good.
Oh, well, no offense, but I mean, it sounded like an 8-year-old wrote it.
Max, I know you're giving a science report but nobody wants to hear a bunch of science! Then what do they want? Showbiz.
You know, Spot's kinda cute.
In the "ugliest thing I've ever seen in my entire life" kinda way.
You like it, you feed it.
We'll do it together.
I'll get the lid and you get the crickets.
OK.
[whines nervously.]
We did great! And we're still alive! You know, feeding things makes me hungry.
- Have you ever eaten an insect? - No.
But a ladybug flew up my nose once.
Why does all the cool stuff happen to you? OK, listen up.
No, don't do that.
All right, class, we're down to our last presentation for our One Kid Can Make A Difference project.
To recap today, Sarah built a windmill out of her old Barbie dolls.
[clapping.]
And who can forget Taylor and his solar-powered ATV, which, as he keeps reminding us, he made all by himself.
Let's hear it for my boy, Taylor! [cheering.]
Next up is Max Fuller.
Oh, wait, I have a special introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Sultan of Sustainable Farming, Max, the one kid who can make a difference, Fuller.
[pop music blares.]
It's meant to be Wa-ooh If we just believe Nothin's too far Nothin's out of reach Wa-ooh If we just believe Wa-ooh It's meant to be Wa-ooh If we just believe Nothin's too far Nothin's out of reach Wa-ooh If we just believe [cheering.]
Let's make Earth great again! Say it with me! Let's make Earth great again! Cue fire.
[all.]
Ooh Citizens of Earth, welcome to Max's Farmapalooza.
[cheering.]
Who thinks fruits and vegetables are good for you? Well, they're even better for you when they're grown organically, with no pesticides.
[pantomime baddie music.]
Boo, pesticides! [all.]
Boo! Yay, organic! [all.]
Yay! [clapping and cheering.]
[Jimmy.]
OK, Steph.
It's been 12 hours.
Are you ready to see how many millions of hits our "Boy Next Door" video has? I'm sure it doesn't have millions.
Maybe tens of thousands.
OK, well, here we go.
And 41 views? 37 thumbs down? And all of the comments say that we're annoying.
No, not this one.
This one says, "You need a haircut, you dirty hippie.
" "And so does he!"? Kimmy, come look at our video.
Are we annoying? ["Boy Next Door" plays.]
Used to think I was unlucky in love Lonely days What my nights were made of Broken hearts and lots of empty wishes Tired of wasting all of my best kisses Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Opposites attract Perfectly mismatched Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh We were black and white Now it seems so right Hey, hey, the boy next door [music stops.]
Yep, you're definitely annoying.
People hate my song.
No, they don't hate your song, they hate my video.
I guess I'm not your magic man, I'm your tragic man.
Just please take it down.
OK, but I need a Gibbler Nibbler first.
Even if it's a sad one.
[Steph, lack-luster.]
Mmm Man, Stephanie is so bummed.
This is breaking my heart.
There's gotta be some way we can fix this.
[laughs.]
Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? What are you thinking? That Tommy and Cosmo might be the answer.
Then no.
Boys and girls, this egg was organically laid by my happy, healthy, free-range chickens.
[cheering.]
Cue the chickens.
Meet Jesse, Joey, Danny and Becky! - [cheering.]
- [country music plays.]
Uh-oh, you know what that means? That means everybody chicken dance! And [all cluck.]
[all cluck.]
You are working those overalls.
OshKosh B'Gosh! Morning, Spot.
Hola, Spot.
Spot? Dios mio, he's gone! What are the chances we're ever gonna find him? [kid shouts.]
Spider! I'd say pretty good.
[all screaming.]
People, people Why all the commotion? Hey, Max, there's a spider on your head.
What? - [kid.]
Spider! - [screaming continues.]
Mommy.
I'm flying in, Max.
Do not move.
- Mom, wait! - Don't hurt that spider! - I'll hold the terrarium, you flick.
- No, I'll hold the terrarium, you flick.
I don't care who holds or who flicks.
Just freaking flick! [Jackson whines nervously.]
[all gasp.]
Max, are you OK? Say something.
OK.
[screams.]
[gasps.]
Aw, that's so nice! You took Spot out on his morning walk.
Of course we did.
We love the little fellow.
Here.
Well, that was some presentation.
Oh, no, wait, we still have our big finish.
Of course you do.
And in conclusion, let's make Earth great again! Cue fire.
[all.]
Ooh Nailed it.
Hey, Mom, I'm all better.
I can do the big finish.
Oh, you're too late.
I just nailed it.
I don't know how I'm going to choose a winner, but for 38K a year, that's my job.
Get ready to lose.
[sighs.]
I was born ready.
To win, not to lose.
This insult thing is so hard.
Well, we've seen some amazing presentations, but the title of this project was One Kid Can Make A Difference, not One Kid, Their Parents and Some Strange But Handsome Latin Man Can Make A Difference.
Thank you for recognizing my contribution.
Oh, I recognized.
[giggles.]
Where was I? Oh.
Yeah.
The green ribbon goes to Sarah, whose Barbie doll windmill really blew me away.
[cheering and clapping.]
The rest of the class will all get second place participation ribbons.
Class, back on the bus.
Hey.
This isn't over.
I'll see you at the Spring Science Fair.
Well, bring your sunscreen and put it on 30 minutes before 'cause you're gonna get burned.
Hey! That was actually pretty good.
Thank you, Taylor's dad.
What you doing, Max? My homework.
And please.
I don't need any help.
Yeah, I got a little carried away.
I let Taylor's dad get under my skin.
[sighs.]
I probably would have won if you'd let me do it by myself.
I know.
Yeah, I'm sorry I made it all about me.
You know, your project was really great and you taught our family so many ways to help the planet.
You really did make a difference.
Are you still mad at me? I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
And I hope you learned a good lesson, young lady.
I did.
And I feel really bad.
Bad enough to raise my allowance? Mmm No.
Hey, I gave it a shot.
Green ribbon or not, in my book, you are always a winner.
I love you so much.
I love you too, Mommy.
Hey, I have a few hours of homework left, can I have another Red Bull? I am starting to crash Absolutely not.
See? I'm a good parent again.
All right, all right, I'm here.
What is it? Have a seat.
OK.
So, we were thinking about how you said that people don't really like your song I know what you guys are gonna say, OK? That I shouldn't give up, blah, blah I should keep going, blah, blah The journey's more important than the [snores.]
Wake up! We got something to show you.
[Kimmy's voice.]
Gibbler Style Party Planning presents A Kimmy Gibbler production.
Paid for by the Kimberly Louise Gibbler Foundation.
Used to think I was unlucky in love Lonely days What my nights were made of Broken hearts and lots of empty wishes Tired of wasting all of my best kisses Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Opposites attract Perfectly mismatched Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh We were black and white Now it seems so right Hey, hey, the boy next door You could be the love I've searched everywhere for Hey, hey, the boy next door Who'd have ever thought it'd be him I would adore? The b oy next door What's keeping me from just running away? That's what I do so what's making me stay? Used to think he was just wasting my time [music stops.]
You guys, you just replaced me and Jimmy with a dog and a baby.
You bet I did.
You're pandering to the lowest common denominator.
It's got over 300,000 views.
You know, it's growing on me.
Your song is a hit.
Wow, I can't believe that hundreds of thousands of people are listening to my song.
It's a dream come true! Yeah, our magic is back and my nose is lonely.
[both giggle cutely.]
Yeah, you guys really are annoying.
Jimmy, Kimmy, thank you.
You Gibblers really came through for me.
I don't know what to say.
How about, "Kimmy, you're a genius.
" Kimmy, you're a genius.
"And you're beautiful.
" And you're beautiful.
And you've always secretly wished you were me.
Fine, you don't have to say it out loud.
I know.
Now give me a Gibbler Nibbler.
[Steph groans.]
One, two, three, four [theme tune plays.]

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