Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e08 Episode Script

Good news! I'm coming to your house for thanksgiving.
Oh, that's fantastic.
What happened to you going to charlene's parents' house? Yeah, I'm not really welcome there anymore since I was charlene's dad's pictionary partner.
I'm sorry, but how would you draw a cockatoo? I've been there, man.
I had to draw manhole.
Curtis, hold up.
When you're at my house, will you fix my car stereo? You want me to work on thanksgiving? I could charge you $50 for turkey and beer.
I will be there at 2:00 with my tools.
Wow, you look awful.
Excuse me? You know, anybody can tell a woman in a beautiful dress how pretty she is.
I pride myself in standing apart from the pack.
Mm-hmm.
How's that strategy working out for you? Uh, judging by the look on your face, oh and one.
I'm sorry.
I'm distracted.
The girlfriend I was supposed to go to this event with canceled on me.
Apparently, she's in the hospital for observation.
Which means new boobs.
I could go.
I've got a suit jacket in the back of my van I could febreze.
Thanks.
I just don't think you'd have a good time.
You know, it's an alumni thing for my college, so it's just a bunch of chatty academic types.
What makes you think I wouldn't fit in with that crowd? You know? Just 'cause I was born in the back of an el camino and I grew up eating fluffernutter and I wore a bathing suit that used to be jeans? Gary, I am sorry.
I didn't mean to sound judgmental.
I just don't think you'd have fun.
I'm just tired of the stereotype, that working-class guys, blue-collar guys like me don't enjoy the arts or literature orpaintings or books.
Look, I really appreciate the offer.
It's just easier for me to go by myself.
Ok? I'm gonna grab my coat.
Ok.
You know, if you and I ever get to hang out after work, you know, have a drink, get to know each other, you're gonna know how wrong you are about people like me.
For example, you might be surprised to learn that I know quite a bit about wine.
Oh, my god.
This puppy right here has a, uh Oh, that's nice.
Hint of plum.
Nice kick to it.
Good legs.
Oh, my god.
Allison and I took a wine tasting class a few years back.
I bet you're surprised.
no.
I meant, oh, my god, you just opened the $800 bordeaux I was supposed to bring to the silent auction tonight.
Oh, my god.
Here.
I'll spit it in the hole.
It's like there's no gray area with Sasha.
If you didn't go to some fancy prep school then you're some lowlife on "cops" who threw a can of pork and beans through his neighbor's windshield 'cause he thought that you stole his boa constrictor.
You know, how come white people always have their shirts off when they're about to get arrested? I mean, you get tackled in the lawn, and then you got grass all over you, and you gotta go to jail all itchy.
If you're gonna break the law, put clothes on.
Have some pride.
That's an excellent point, Curtis.
Listen, um, I overheard Sasha saying she has no plans for thanksgiving, so I'm going to invite her to my house, show her I'm a classy guy with a great sense of humor.
No, I'm being serious.
I'm having that's my plan.
Oh, I'm sorry, my man.
Good luck, buddy.
I believe in you.
Hey, Sasha! You don't have to apologize again.
Oh, come on.
Didn't you get all my e-mails? Oh.
Unless there's another "garylicious71" out there, yes, I did, thank you.
What are you doing for thanksgiving? You want to come to my house? Curtis is coming over.
The kids will be there.
What do you say? Oh, actually my great-aunt invited me over with her and all her bridge friends.
It's like eating with the cast of "coon," but she does make a killer osso buco, which is my favorite thing ever.
Osso buco, are you kidding me? Hey, what has 2 thumbs and iss the king of osso buco? This guy.
Yeah.
I make the best osso buco in the world.
Are you kidding me? Come on.
Come to my house.
It'll be fantastic.
You ok, you are going to make osso buco? Yeah.
I already bought the buco and everything.
Come on.
What do you say? I don't think so.
Well, hold on a second.
Maybe Maybe this will change your mind.
Oh, my god.
That's right.
Gary, you replaced my bordeaux? Uh, I know how much this costs and how much I pay you, and, uh, I think it's the same number.
So what do you say? Will you come? Fine.
I'll be there.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You spent $800 on a bottle of wine, and you can't pay me back the $10 you borrowed from me on the boardwalk to get your name written on a grain of rice? It's not an $800 bottle of wine.
Ok? It's a $15 bottle of wine that I bought at the drugstore, and I just put the label on top.
Ok.
Oh, that's pretty smart.
Wait.
You bought a $15 bottle of wine, and you won't pay me back the $10 you owe me for putting your name on a piece of rice? The guy didn't even do a good job with the grain of rice.
He didn't even spell my whole name, he left the "r" out.
I own a grain of rice that says "gay.
" Hi, Allison.
Hey.
Tommy boy.
You ready to spend the holidarayri ed with your dad? That's a cute baby.
wow.
I should not have let your mom give you the sex talk, considering it's her least favorite subject.
Actually, it's his assignment for health class over the holiday.
And while I'm away with howard, you have to make sure that he doesn't neglect it.
Yeah, it's computerized, and it monitors everything I do 24 hours a day.
Yeah, I've been there.
But then I got my own house.
Ah, Louise, you still got Gandhi.
Did you find a home for him yet? Not yet.
And I don't want to leave him at the shelter.
But it's not so bad, except for when he pees on the floor.
Yeah, I've been there, honey.
But then I got my own house.
All right, you guys, get all your stuff together and come on over to dad's for thanksgiving, ok? All right, hey, Louise, help me out for a second.
Yeah, sure.
Grab this all right.
Look, should I just cancel my trip tomorrow? I mean, I could meet howard's family another time.
I've never spent thanksgiving away from the kids before.
Don't feel guilty about it, Allison.
You've raised you know, and you've done it all while keeping your sense of perspective.
Your body's fit and toned, your skin is clear.
You've got nice eyes Ok, what? What do you want? What? What do you want? What do I want? Yeah.
Do you want me to get you another michael buble cd so no one has to see you buy it? Huh? Are you serious? Did another one drop? Yeah.
Yeah.
I got another problem.
Have a seat.
All right.
Ok, look, my boss Ahem Sasha, she tends to think I'm like this low-class buffoon.
That's it.
That's the problem.
So I want to impress her for thanksgiving by making osso buco, so I need you to help me with that.
I would also like you to tell me, what is osso buco? I don't know, and Curtis told me he was the center for the jets.
Osso buco is a veal shank, Gary, and I can't.
I got like a million things to do before I go to san francisco with howard.
And like I used to tell you in bed, you should never promise something you can't deliver.
And like I used to tell you in bed, don't worry.
I'll finish this myself.
C- u-m-i-n.
That cannot be pronounced the way it's spelled.
There he is.
Hey, dad! Hi! Oh, I missed you, gosh.
Where the heck have you been? I've been hiking in the high sierras.
Nothing but the clothes on my back, and, well, my baggie of what I like to call "baja mind-expander.
" Terrific.
Let me get you a beer.
You look thirsty, ok? Look, my boss from work is coming over.
She's a pretty gal.
Do me a favor.
Just be on your best behavior, ok? Hey, no problem with that.
I even got dessert.
Dessert? Mm-hmm.
Brownies.
no.
That's not going to fly this year.
No, no, no, this is not what you think.
It's peyote.
Peyote? Come on.
Put that away.
Finish your beer.
I'll tell the grandkids what's left of their grandfather is here, ok? Tom, Louise.
Your grandpa is here.
Oh, my gosh.
This place is a mess.
I asked you guys to help me clean up.
What happened, Louise? Tom left his baby crying while he was playing video games, so I had to walk it.
Call me, dad? Tom had a baby? How long have I been away? Hi, grandpa.
It's Tom's baby.
He's supposed to be taking care of it.
Louise, would you please give the baby back to its rightful owner? Ok, ok, fine.
I can't take this thing crying.
Please, Tom, pick the baby up, would you? Dad, it's too tough, ok? I can't have any fun.
I have to keep this stupid thing alive all day.
If you didn't want the responsibility, you should have pulled out of the assignment.
Come on, you guys.
Clean up the house, all right? I gotta go finish the osso buco.
Well, why aren't we having turkey? It's thanksgiving.
Turkey? Tom, my boss is coming over.
It's gotta be extra special.
Dad, I have thought about this, and I don't want to eat an animal that's been kept in a tiny cage its whole life just because you're crushing on your boss.
You don't have to.
Grandpa bought brownies.
You're going to love this new stereo, man.
You're not going to believe how loud this thing is.
Be warned When you stop at a red light, you are going to get some dirty looks and some nasty comments about this thing.
That's all right.
Wait till they find out i'm old, I'm white, and I'm rocking out to michael buble.
ok.
Wow, I'm running late.
Gosh, Sasha's going to be here in an hour.
I am so far behind.
I got all these things that says class.
Look at this Scented candle right there, jazz cd.
It even says "evening jazz.
" And very fancy, intelligent magazines.
I'm going to spread these across the house.
She'll think that I read them.
And these are like real fancy.
The cartoons aren't even funny, you know? Mm-hmm.
My man, let me show you the piece de resistance.
Here we go.
Osso buco ala brooks.
I got the recipe off of a website.
Wow, this is the first time you've ever cooked yourself without the aid of boyardee, butterworth, or that white talking glove.
Have a taste there.
What do you think? Oh, my god.
It's pretty good, huh? How much salt did you put in this? Uh, I don't know, I ballparked it.
This is about Just Why, is it too much? Not if Sasha's part deer.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god! I can't serve this.
It's like beefy seawater.
Oh, my gosh.
Sasha's going to be here in 59 minutes.
All right, you know what? Time to bring in the big guns.
Give me your keys.
Allison! Gary! What are you doing here? I need your help with dinner.
It's an emergency.
I thought you found a recipe.
I did, but I can only serve it if I'm going to use it to rim margarita glasses.
What? It went horribly wrong.
I need your help.
Help me.
Gary, I'm sorry.
I can't.
My flight to san francisco leaves in a few hours.
I gotta finish getting ready.
I'm begging you, Allison! Otherwise my dinner with Sasha is ruined! Gary, I can't do it! Ok, that's fine.
I thought we were going to do this the easy way.
We'll just do it the hard way.
You just go over there for a second.
I'll, uh, hijack your luggage.
Oh, ok.
Really? Really, Gary? You know, I'm going for 2 nights.
I could just wear this if I had to.
Look, I didn't want to say this, Allison, but Tom and Louise, they really, really wanted to see you before you leave, and it was Tom who came to me today with tears in his eyes saying, "dad, "how do any of us know how many thanksgivings any of us even have left?" and I thought, wow, the wisdom of kids.
Gary, you know what? You're not going to guilt me into this.
We'll see.
Crap.
Ok, the house is clean.
Curtis is almost done with the van.
How's the lamb coming? It's fine.
You know, we're really lucky we found a rack of lamb at this hour.
Smells good.
How's it look? Oh, my gosh! That looks amazing, Allison! Gary, you really owe me on this one.
I was thinking of a thank-you card, but all right, let's make it quick.
God, Gary, please! Don't make me nauseous.
I gotta fly in an hour.
Then what the heck did you take this off for? What? Look, I'm getting started on the pies.
I don't want to get flour on my dress.
Oh, great, great.
You're making pies.
Good.
Keep helping.
I really need tonight to be special.
Thank you.
I cannot believe you have a crush on Sasha.
It's going to be like beauty and the beast, except when she kisses you, this won't change back.
Would you just make pies? Look, 10 minutes.
Finished or not, I am out the door getting ready for my trip.
I need.
That's great.
ok.
Ok, let'cbs ssee her fly without this.
Dad, come on.
The water heater is ancient.
You cannot take showers that hot.
I haven't showered yet.
Oh, god! Oh, my goodness! You're gonna get us all arrested! Put some clothes on.
My boss is coming over.
And puka shells do not count as a shirt! Oh, my gosh! The dog peed on the couch! Tom, Louise, I thought Gandhi was a nonviolent dog, look at this! It's all over my couch! What is all the shouting about? Oh, hey, dad, I need you to push these tables together.
I need you to put ice in the glasses, and I need you to take the salt and pepper out of the ceramic footballs and put them in the good salt and pepper shakers, ok? Uh Forget it.
Tommy Yeah, I got it.
Oh, thank you! Ok.
No, you have to take care of the baby.
It's your assignment.
You're better at it.
What, because i'm a woman? When did you get so patriarchal, Tom? Since forever.
What's wrong with loving your country? What is that? It's ratt! Whoa, and it's way too loud! Ok, there's a short in the electrical system.
I can't turn the music off.
You have to.
Mr.
Biscazzi next door has a real itchy You gotta figure out a way to turn it off.
I would love to, but I kind of locked the keys in the van.
All right, we'll have to jimmy the door open somehow.
Louise, take the dog upstairs.
Tom, help your mom.
Hey, do me a favor, Curtis.
Help me take this couch outside.
But be careful, it's covered in pee.
Hey, wait a minute.
How are we going to get this huge thing through that tiny opening? Well, hang on a second.
Let me call charlene.
hey! She works at ikea! Oh, go on.
Ok, go ahead.
How do you not know how to install a stereo? You're a professional sound engineer! It's your van, man.
Your whole electrical system is jerry-rigged.
You got the wipers connected to the headlights connected to the air conditioning.
If you want to honk the horn, you gotta move the passenger seat back.
Come on.
Let's just figure it out.
Please.
Sasha's going to be here any minute.
Hey, brooks.
Great.
I told you.
I'm not going to tolerate with any more of this noise.
Sorry, Mr.
Biscazzi.
We're trying to turn it off.
Well, it's too late.
This has escalated.
The cops are on their way.
What? No cops! We don't want cops.
Ok, I think I got it.
Jeez, Louise! Fire! Ah, I'm getting a fire extinguisher.
I got a broken leg here! Well, what would you do if this was a real baby? I'd be happy, 'cause that would mean I was getting some.
Push the tables together put ice in the glasses! Hey! Come on.
Make pies, would you?! Where's my dress, Gary? Just keep making pies! Hey, ice cubes, saltshakers And police.
Perfect.
Hey, officer, we're trying to get the music turned off.
Put down the fire extinguisher.
I would, but it's still smoldering right next to you.
Drop where you are and put your hands up.
And turn around.
Gary? Sasha, hi.
Welcome.
You have to take responsibility! I never wanted it in the first place! Gary, where the hell is my dress? Shut up, Allison.
Shut up? Shut up? I slave over this dinner for you, and that's the way you talk to me? Hey, someone stole my weed.
Gary, is this a bad time? Sasha, here's the thing Hands up.
Do you have to speak through the p.
a.
? We're 5 feet from each other.
yes.
Oy.
Sorry that took so long.
They had to run my i.
d.
, and then there was a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny complete body search.
The lamb's burned.
This is a mess.
Look, Gary, I should probably tell you that was the most awesome thing I have ever witnessed! You don't think I'm one of those guys on "cops" that gets his pants pulled down by the police dog? Of course I don't think you're one of those guys.
Though they did wait a long time before calling that dog off.
Yeah.
But come on, Gary.
You have to see how funny this is.
Do you know how many times I've wondered who those police helicopters were shining their lights on? Ok, that was us! We were those people! Do you want to stay for dinner? Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
We got original, extra crispy, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob.
And they threw in a chocolate cake because we were their only customers on thanksgiving.
What do you say? Will you stay for dinner? I would love to.
And not just because of the fried chicken.
But, uh, that's a big draw.
Welcome to thanksgiving in meth country.
oh, you would hate thanksgiving at my house.
It's so uptight.
Your family yells and laughs and tells stories.
Hmm.
And I can't believe i'm going to say this, but, um, I'm still kinda hungry.
That actually might be the munchies.
Dad! If you're going to smoke, go behind the house! I am behind the house! So you really had a good time? Gary, I don't know how much you know about women, but a guy who makes an effort, very important.
Oh, hey, I brought you something.
Oh-ho.
It's the wine you bought me.
Special wine for a special occasion.
I'm not sure how special it really is.
Are you kidding? This is a primo bottle of wine.
Do you have a corkscrew? We're not gonna need it.
It's a screw top.
Look.
I just glued another label on top of the cheap one.
Smooth.
ok.
I, um, I haven't said what i'm thankful for yet.
ok.
I'm thankful that I work with someone generous enough to invite me into his home when he knew that I had nothing to do and who went to a lot of trouble to make sure I had a good time.
Pretty classy.
Uh, I'm your boss.
That's what makes it so hot.
Hey, kids.
man.
Gary, uh, thank you for letting me stay.
I don't think I'm ready to leave the kids on a holiday.
But now I've got no way of getting home, although your dad did offer to take me on his magic carpet.
Uh, there's a bus stop like 2 streets away.
You know, um, Allison, I can take you.
Really? Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
It's getting late, so I'll, uh I'll see you monday.
All right.
Hey, Allison, wait a second.
You really saved me tonight.
I mean, you really saved me.
And I want you to have this special bottle of wine.
Oh, my god.
Gary, thank you.
This is an incredible bottle.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
It's very expensive, also.
And, uh, it's thanksgiving, and it's the least I could do.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
I got you that michael buble cd No, no, no.
Sasha's looking.
Don't do it right now.
Sasha's wait till she turns.
ok.
Wait till ok, she's looking down, give it to me.
Yes! This is the one with bonus tracks!