GLOW (2017) s02e08 Episode Script
The Good Twin
1 [CHORUS.]
K-DTV! [WOMAN.]
You're watching K-DTV, the premier cable channel of the San Fernando Valley.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
- Hello.
- Olga.
Hello.
It is Zoya, your identical twin sister.
Oh, hello.
I'm sorry it took so long to answer phone.
As you know, I have severely deformed foot.
It was mangled by agricultural conveyor belt in childhood and has never fully recovered Yes, I know.
It's only discernible difference between us.
Except now there is one more.
I have small child.
Zoya you have given birth.
Of course nyet.
I am frigid and barren like Siberian tundra.
As I recall, was cruel nickname of yours in high school.
Shut up! I have kidnapped the small daughter of great American rival Liberty Belle, and I'm holding her at fortress, guarded by evil minion.
Plan is to indoctrinate her into Marxist thought and sell her to highest bidder.
You help find motivated buyer.
I split money with you.
Goodbye.
That was my sister Zoya.
What did she say? She has kidnapped child of great American rival Liberty Belle.
Now she wants my help to sell her, but as you know, I am the good twin.
I have decided.
I will help Liberty Belle retrieve lost child and foil sister's evil plot.
I must board the next goat for America.
Next goat? Don't you mean "boat"? What am I, made of rubles? I have only money for goat journey.
From the Hayworth Hotel in Los Angeles, California, it's GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! [BASH.]
On tonight's GLOW, its science versus magic as Britannica squares off against Black Magic, and the main event, Liberty Belle's search for her daughter leads her straight into a death match with Vicky Viking.
All this and more on GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
Here we goat.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
America or bust! [GOAT BLEATS.]
Wow! [GASPS.]
What? Hollywood, what a country! For first-time, little goat, you can eat hamburger without committing cannibalism, and we have tickets to Cats.
Yes, I know it's touring production, but what do you expect? What's that? I am forgetting true purpose here? You are right, little goat.
I must find Liberty Belle and tell her I know where small daughter is.
And you must see Cats alone.
- - All right, Thomas, that should do it.
Now I just need to turn the power on and soon our conversations will not be so one-sided, for you will have life, my darling.
Life.
[CACKLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
From hunk of plastic to hunk of man.
[GRUNTING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Thomas? Are you alive yet? Oh! I don't understand.
It worked on the rubber chicken.
[WOMAN CACKLING.]
[CACKLING.]
Who are you? How did you get in here? I am Black Magic! And I have come to help you.
I can take the "quin" out of mannequin and leave you with the tasty man.
But it will cost you something dear.
What? Your brain! [CACKLES.]
My brain? But I need my brain for work.
Not if you have man to take care of you.
Let me turn Thomas real and forget all your other ambitions.
Well, I have been ever so lonely.
Can you give me a minute to think it over? Very well.
I will go to the restroom.
[CACKLING.]
Bye.
- - [SIGHS.]
Don't worry, Glowbot.
I'd never give up my smarts.
Not even for Thomas.
At least, not before backing him up on a floppy.
[BEEPS.]
There.
I'll just tie string around my finger to remind myself to reinstall my old intelligence, and I should be ready to go.
I am back from the restroom.
Have you made your decision? - You can have my brain.
- [CACKLES.]
Anything for love! Your priorities are in the right place, Britannica.
[INTONING SPELL.]
Devil's tingles warm this man so that he feels he must pay for meals.
He'll open jars and help with chores.
And you'll be single nevermore! [GASPS.]
Thomas! Oh, my God! Is that you? Yes, it's me, now and forever, darling.
I love being Loved by you I love being Loving and loved by you I love being loved by you I love being Oh, Thomas, you make me so happy.
I don't remember what life was like before I found you.
I don't either.
Literally.
Like, I don't remember anything before two hours ago.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What's that on your finger? I I don't know.
Maybe it's an engagement string.
Maybe you put it there.
And the answer is yes! [LAUGHS.]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, knees higher, girls.
Sweat those sorrows away.
That's what "Griefercize" is all about.
Whatever's bothering you, just let it go.
Size 7 1/2 is always the first size to go in any shoe sale.
[SOBS.]
They canceled Charles in Charge! That's terrible.
Terrible! And I'm in mourning for my lost daughter.
Savannah Rose, my baby, my poor missing baby.
Liberty Belle, are you okay? No! Cool down.
[SOBBING.]
[LIBERTY BELLE WHIMPERS.]
[SCREAMING.]
You! What are you doing here? What do you mean? I have come to have private conversation in shower with Oh! I understand.
You think I am Zoya.
I am Olga, her good twin.
We are identical, except I have a foot deformity, regard.
[GASPS.]
What do you want from me? I want for help rescue small baby Savannah Rose.
Zoya keeps her in fortress guarded by minion up tall, tall hill.
Far too tall for me to climb with my deformity.
But you, you can go to there and bring little daughter safe home to bosom.
Why should I trust you? [SIGHS.]
Many years ago in Soviet Union, Zoya is golden child.
Comrade Brezhnev himself say she is greatest example of Soviet womanhood since Nadezhda Chizhova.
Gesundheit.
Female Olympic shot put champion.
All my life I have hated her for this.
Also, I love America! Democracy, Coca-Cola, Walter Disney, Mickey Rourke.
Ooga! So motivation is ideological as well.
[SHOUTS.]
Olga, I can't thank you enough.
And after I return my daughter safely home, I'm going to reward you.
- Oh! - I'm going to give you money for an operation to fix your foot.
- What? Money.
Such a thing is possible? - Yes.
Oh, America, God bless you! What a country! Ha ha! [LAUGHS.]
Makeover Make you over Makeover Gonna make you over, makeover - Make you over - Makeover Gonna make you over Going to a party at LA's hottest club Gonna dance all night All my girlfriends come But the guy that holds the velvet ropes Is a real freakin' jerk Says that none of them can enter 'Cause their looks need work - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Get that hairspray flowing Heavy on the mousse Bustier on up, my friend The sequins and caboose Eyeliner, lip gloss Glitter in the hair When we get out on the dance floor All of Hollywood will stare - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over Party, party, glitter, glamour Makeup, fashion, did I stammer? Crimp, straight, no tease If you got the look You'll have them on your knees - Makeover! - Makeover! - Make you over - Makeover! [SIGHS.]
Hello? Britannica? - Hello.
- It's me.
Lisa, the teenager who lives next door.
I was wondering if you could help me with my quadratic equations.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Oh.
No wonder you're having so much trouble.
There's hardly any pictures in this book.
And its full of math.
Are you feeling okay? Oh, yes.
I've never been better, girl from next door.
I have a man now.
Didn't know we're expecting company.
Britannica.
Something is wrong.
[GASPS.]
What's that on your finger? My engagement string.
People tie strings around their finger when they want to remember to do something.
Britannica, what is it you're forgetting to do? - [GLOWBOT BEEPS.]
- Oh, look! Glowbot is trying to tell us something.
"Britannica's 'Brian.
'" Brain.
Brain.
Britannica's brain.
Brain.
Brain! Oh, this is what I was supposed to remember.
Oh.
Yeah, I just need to figure out how to get this into this.
Wait.
Are you sure? [LAUGHING.]
Tickles.
Now I remember.
The quadratic equation "a-x" squared plus "b-x" plus "c" equals "zero.
" I'm back! [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
No! This was not the deal.
You were supposed to sacrifice something precious.
That is how Black Magic works.
That is why not everybody be doing it.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Enough with the yapping! - [GRUNTS.]
- Thomas! No! [SOBBING.]
You turn him back into a man right now! If you want him that way, you gotta fight me for it.
- [CACKLING.]
- [BASH.]
This is it, folks.
It's science versus magic.
Britannica fighting for the man she loves.
Black Magic fighting 'cause she's horrible and mean.
Ladies, I want a good clean match.
No funny business, especially you, huh? I am serious.
[CACKLING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
A strong start for Britannica, attacking with her usual scientific precision.
Oh! Let's take a look at that again.
What a clothesline! It's going well for this British genius.
And it looks like she's getting that turnbuckle sandwich times two.
Britannica must really love Thomas.
- [BRITANNICA.]
Three time's a charm.
- [BASH.]
Throwing T man a little smooch.
All right.
[REFEREE.]
Don't be in that corner.
[BASH.]
Uh-oh.
Oh, but wait.
Black Magic's broken Thomas' arm off.
Thomas! [BASH.]
And she's using it as a club.
Talk about using your friends against you.
- Britannica taking a whooping.
- You cannot use foreign objects [BASH.]
Wait a minute.
What is that? Some sort of magic powder? Here, my little pussy.
[BASH.]
I think she's enchanted the ref.
He thinks he's a kitten.
Oh, my God! She has.
This is terrible.
I've never seen anything like this.
[EXHALES.]
[BASH.]
More enchantment powder.
And now Britannica seems to be under some kind of a sleep spell.
Black Magic taking her time to teach this scientist a lesson.
Black Magic is working her magic on Britannica.
[SHOUTS.]
[BASH.]
Oh! She's got her in a back brace.
This can only end badly.
Oh! [SHOUTS.]
[BASH.]
Britannica is down, but there's no one to give the count.
The ref still thinks he's a kitten.
This is heartbreaking.
She really loved Thomas.
It just goes to show a good mannequin is hard to find-equin.
[MAN.]
The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling is brought to you by Howard Foods.
Howard-Os.
More O, less no.
Now with new caliente flavor.
¡Olé! Hi, there.
I'm Lois Daly.
And I'm Joan Hannaford-Hobs.
And this week on Quilting BeeEasy, we are going to show you how to create a pioneer wedding quilt, a truly special heirloom you can hand down from generation to generation.
So get your batting your binding and your colorways ready and join us Thursday at 4:30 on K-DTV and remember life may be hard, but Quilting Bee Easy.
Do you miss Welfare Queen beating up everyone in the ring? Well, now you can take your very own Welfare Queen doll home with you.
Limited edition for only $9.
99! [WELFARE QUEEN.]
Hey there, can, get out of my way.
 [GRUNTING.]
I pity this fool.
Call now.
The Queen is waiting.
- I don't like this.
- What, Macchio? Lying on our backs while Liberty Belle is out there daughterless.
You have to turn over once every 15 minutes to get an even tan.
No, that's not what I mean.
We have to do something.
Hey, wait, I know how we can help.
Yesterday on the way home from school A child disappeared Stuff like this keeps happening I think it's really weird Don't these kidnappers know That kidnapping is wrong? Don't they know They're making people sad? How long can this go on? Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Don't kidnap Kidnappers, we're begging you Let the children run and play And the ones you've got Let them get away Then go find something else to do Every time I get milk for my cereal There's a face on the carton looking At me It's hard to enjoy my cereal Wondering if that child Will ever be free I wish these kidnappers would understand Just how much pain they cause They're just not taking children They're breaking hearts and laws That's why The buddy system is important If you don't want to get napped When a strange man offers you candy It's probably a trap It's a trap Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Don't kidnap Kidnappers, I'm begging you We don't end paying the ransom Let the children run and play And the ones you got let them get away Then go find something else to do Like sing with us Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Just go for a walk or something Don't kidnap Kidnappers, I'm begging you Let the children run and play And the ones you've got Let them get away Then go find something else to do [MAN.]
If you would like to own your very own copy of "Don't Kidnap," call us toll-free at 1-800-555-0199.
All proceeds go to the Concerned Citizens Against Kidnapping.
Sorry, no CODs.
I was expecting a lot more.
There wasn't a single real cat in the show.
It was just people in costumes.
You're right.
It might have been tough to get real cats to hit some those high notes.
That's still false advertising.
Oh, sure, I'll get another drink.
[LAUGHING.]
No, you're Mr.
Mephistopheles.
I'm more of a Rum Tum Tugger.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Make yourself comfortable.
I don't do this very often.
You don't believe me.
No, really.
I'm not like that.
Do you like sports? Baseball.
Oh, hello.
Well, that's very forward.
You know, this is moving a little fast for me.
Maybe we should just call it a night.
Sir, I asked you to leave.
Sir, unhoof me.
I am your natural predator.
Do not make me do something we'll both regret.
Do not touch me.
This is your final warning.
I warned you.
I warned him.
- - [SHOUTING.]
[SAVANNAH ROSE.]
Mommy! Mommy, help me! I'm in the evil fortress.
Savannah Rose, mommy's coming! I tell you the view from this evil fortress is just spectacular.
We are not here for the view.
We are here to guard American girl child.
That is our only job.
- I have to go to the restroom.
- Yep.
[YAWNS.]
The air sure is thin up here in the mountains.
Beautiful.
I didn't always want to be a terrorist.
Once I wanted to be a dancer.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WOMAN.]
Beirut.
Beirut! - What? - I blinked.
It was just one long blink.
[SIGHS.]
Look! Liberty Belle! [SAVANNAH ROSE.]
Mommy! Savannah, where are you, baby? - Mommy, hurry! - [GRUNTING.]
Mommy, help me! Hold on, Savannah, I'm coming.
[GRUNTS.]
Looking for this? Mommy, help me! Where is she? Don't worry, she's safe.
In actual safe with air holes.
I'll give you the combination to the lock if you defeat me in the ring.
[CACKLING.]
[BLOWING.]
[BASH.]
And she's blowing the horn of war.
That means this match will be to the death.
[BELL RINGS.]
[BASH.]
And here comes Liberty Belle wasting no time, but Vicky acting like she barely feels it.
Practically laughing.
[LIBERTY BELLE SHOUTS.]
[REFEREE.]
! All right! Let that hair go.
[BASH.]
The Viking has set course for destruction! [SHOUTING.]
[REFEREE.]
Doesn't wanna quit.
Okay, let's go.
Let that hair go.
I'm gonna start counting.
You heard me.
I'm looking right at you! [BASH.]
Wow, it seems the tables have turned as Liberty Belle has Vicky in the crucifix.
I'm a Viking! [REFEREE.]
I can't have you in that corner.
[BASH.]
And the ref topples down like a sack of potatoes.
Wait a second, what's going on? Fortune Cookie and Beirut are approaching the ring.
It's three against one! That's not fair.
[SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
This does not look good for Liberty Belle.
[CHEERING.]
Yeah! [SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
But wait.
She's taking something out of her costume.
Savannah! - [BASH.]
It's a picture of Savannah Rose! - My baby.
[BASH.]
Oh, what a glorious red, white and blue-eyed beauty she is! Only picture.
Give me that.
Get her up.
[BASH.]
It seems Vicky has apprehended said photo.
No, she's tearing apart the photo! She tore the photo! How could you? Uh-oh.
Here comes payback.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Things are completely turning around for Liberty Belle.
The bad girls looking totally shocked.
They underestimated the power of a mother's love.
And the bad girls topple like a house of cards.
- What's the combination? - [CHOKING.]
Tell me! It's one, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
[REFEREE.]
That's it, that's the match winner.
Hold on, Savannah Rose.
I'm coming for you.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One one, one, one, one one two.
Mommy, I missed you.
Oh, I missed you too, baby girl, and I promise, I'll never let anyone lock you in a safe ever, ever again.
All the things I will do with new foot once deformity's no longer.
Dance, have pedicure, find able-bodied lover.
Paging Mr.
Mickey Rourke.
[LAUGHS.]
This operation is symbol.
This thing I have always wanted is freedom.
Like finally going to Moscow, [LAUGHS.]
except is actually happening, and also I have already been to Moscow.
And also, we are only two sisters, not three sisters.
Zoya! Oh, nyet! [ZOYA GRUNTS.]
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN.]
[MAN.]
See, Rosalie? I told you.
It's Justine.
I mean, she's dressed as a nurse, but it's definitely her.
Jesus fucking Christ.
K-DTV! [WOMAN.]
You're watching K-DTV, the premier cable channel of the San Fernando Valley.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
- Hello.
- Olga.
Hello.
It is Zoya, your identical twin sister.
Oh, hello.
I'm sorry it took so long to answer phone.
As you know, I have severely deformed foot.
It was mangled by agricultural conveyor belt in childhood and has never fully recovered Yes, I know.
It's only discernible difference between us.
Except now there is one more.
I have small child.
Zoya you have given birth.
Of course nyet.
I am frigid and barren like Siberian tundra.
As I recall, was cruel nickname of yours in high school.
Shut up! I have kidnapped the small daughter of great American rival Liberty Belle, and I'm holding her at fortress, guarded by evil minion.
Plan is to indoctrinate her into Marxist thought and sell her to highest bidder.
You help find motivated buyer.
I split money with you.
Goodbye.
That was my sister Zoya.
What did she say? She has kidnapped child of great American rival Liberty Belle.
Now she wants my help to sell her, but as you know, I am the good twin.
I have decided.
I will help Liberty Belle retrieve lost child and foil sister's evil plot.
I must board the next goat for America.
Next goat? Don't you mean "boat"? What am I, made of rubles? I have only money for goat journey.
From the Hayworth Hotel in Los Angeles, California, it's GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! [BASH.]
On tonight's GLOW, its science versus magic as Britannica squares off against Black Magic, and the main event, Liberty Belle's search for her daughter leads her straight into a death match with Vicky Viking.
All this and more on GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
Here we goat.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
America or bust! [GOAT BLEATS.]
Wow! [GASPS.]
What? Hollywood, what a country! For first-time, little goat, you can eat hamburger without committing cannibalism, and we have tickets to Cats.
Yes, I know it's touring production, but what do you expect? What's that? I am forgetting true purpose here? You are right, little goat.
I must find Liberty Belle and tell her I know where small daughter is.
And you must see Cats alone.
- - All right, Thomas, that should do it.
Now I just need to turn the power on and soon our conversations will not be so one-sided, for you will have life, my darling.
Life.
[CACKLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
From hunk of plastic to hunk of man.
[GRUNTING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Thomas? Are you alive yet? Oh! I don't understand.
It worked on the rubber chicken.
[WOMAN CACKLING.]
[CACKLING.]
Who are you? How did you get in here? I am Black Magic! And I have come to help you.
I can take the "quin" out of mannequin and leave you with the tasty man.
But it will cost you something dear.
What? Your brain! [CACKLES.]
My brain? But I need my brain for work.
Not if you have man to take care of you.
Let me turn Thomas real and forget all your other ambitions.
Well, I have been ever so lonely.
Can you give me a minute to think it over? Very well.
I will go to the restroom.
[CACKLING.]
Bye.
- - [SIGHS.]
Don't worry, Glowbot.
I'd never give up my smarts.
Not even for Thomas.
At least, not before backing him up on a floppy.
[BEEPS.]
There.
I'll just tie string around my finger to remind myself to reinstall my old intelligence, and I should be ready to go.
I am back from the restroom.
Have you made your decision? - You can have my brain.
- [CACKLES.]
Anything for love! Your priorities are in the right place, Britannica.
[INTONING SPELL.]
Devil's tingles warm this man so that he feels he must pay for meals.
He'll open jars and help with chores.
And you'll be single nevermore! [GASPS.]
Thomas! Oh, my God! Is that you? Yes, it's me, now and forever, darling.
I love being Loved by you I love being Loving and loved by you I love being loved by you I love being Oh, Thomas, you make me so happy.
I don't remember what life was like before I found you.
I don't either.
Literally.
Like, I don't remember anything before two hours ago.
- [LAUGHS.]
- What's that on your finger? I I don't know.
Maybe it's an engagement string.
Maybe you put it there.
And the answer is yes! [LAUGHS.]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, knees higher, girls.
Sweat those sorrows away.
That's what "Griefercize" is all about.
Whatever's bothering you, just let it go.
Size 7 1/2 is always the first size to go in any shoe sale.
[SOBS.]
They canceled Charles in Charge! That's terrible.
Terrible! And I'm in mourning for my lost daughter.
Savannah Rose, my baby, my poor missing baby.
Liberty Belle, are you okay? No! Cool down.
[SOBBING.]
[LIBERTY BELLE WHIMPERS.]
[SCREAMING.]
You! What are you doing here? What do you mean? I have come to have private conversation in shower with Oh! I understand.
You think I am Zoya.
I am Olga, her good twin.
We are identical, except I have a foot deformity, regard.
[GASPS.]
What do you want from me? I want for help rescue small baby Savannah Rose.
Zoya keeps her in fortress guarded by minion up tall, tall hill.
Far too tall for me to climb with my deformity.
But you, you can go to there and bring little daughter safe home to bosom.
Why should I trust you? [SIGHS.]
Many years ago in Soviet Union, Zoya is golden child.
Comrade Brezhnev himself say she is greatest example of Soviet womanhood since Nadezhda Chizhova.
Gesundheit.
Female Olympic shot put champion.
All my life I have hated her for this.
Also, I love America! Democracy, Coca-Cola, Walter Disney, Mickey Rourke.
Ooga! So motivation is ideological as well.
[SHOUTS.]
Olga, I can't thank you enough.
And after I return my daughter safely home, I'm going to reward you.
- Oh! - I'm going to give you money for an operation to fix your foot.
- What? Money.
Such a thing is possible? - Yes.
Oh, America, God bless you! What a country! Ha ha! [LAUGHS.]
Makeover Make you over Makeover Gonna make you over, makeover - Make you over - Makeover Gonna make you over Going to a party at LA's hottest club Gonna dance all night All my girlfriends come But the guy that holds the velvet ropes Is a real freakin' jerk Says that none of them can enter 'Cause their looks need work - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Get that hairspray flowing Heavy on the mousse Bustier on up, my friend The sequins and caboose Eyeliner, lip gloss Glitter in the hair When we get out on the dance floor All of Hollywood will stare - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Make you over - Makeover! - Makeover! Gonna make you over Party, party, glitter, glamour Makeup, fashion, did I stammer? Crimp, straight, no tease If you got the look You'll have them on your knees - Makeover! - Makeover! - Make you over - Makeover! [SIGHS.]
Hello? Britannica? - Hello.
- It's me.
Lisa, the teenager who lives next door.
I was wondering if you could help me with my quadratic equations.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Oh.
No wonder you're having so much trouble.
There's hardly any pictures in this book.
And its full of math.
Are you feeling okay? Oh, yes.
I've never been better, girl from next door.
I have a man now.
Didn't know we're expecting company.
Britannica.
Something is wrong.
[GASPS.]
What's that on your finger? My engagement string.
People tie strings around their finger when they want to remember to do something.
Britannica, what is it you're forgetting to do? - [GLOWBOT BEEPS.]
- Oh, look! Glowbot is trying to tell us something.
"Britannica's 'Brian.
'" Brain.
Brain.
Britannica's brain.
Brain.
Brain! Oh, this is what I was supposed to remember.
Oh.
Yeah, I just need to figure out how to get this into this.
Wait.
Are you sure? [LAUGHING.]
Tickles.
Now I remember.
The quadratic equation "a-x" squared plus "b-x" plus "c" equals "zero.
" I'm back! [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
No! This was not the deal.
You were supposed to sacrifice something precious.
That is how Black Magic works.
That is why not everybody be doing it.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Enough with the yapping! - [GRUNTS.]
- Thomas! No! [SOBBING.]
You turn him back into a man right now! If you want him that way, you gotta fight me for it.
- [CACKLING.]
- [BASH.]
This is it, folks.
It's science versus magic.
Britannica fighting for the man she loves.
Black Magic fighting 'cause she's horrible and mean.
Ladies, I want a good clean match.
No funny business, especially you, huh? I am serious.
[CACKLING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
A strong start for Britannica, attacking with her usual scientific precision.
Oh! Let's take a look at that again.
What a clothesline! It's going well for this British genius.
And it looks like she's getting that turnbuckle sandwich times two.
Britannica must really love Thomas.
- [BRITANNICA.]
Three time's a charm.
- [BASH.]
Throwing T man a little smooch.
All right.
[REFEREE.]
Don't be in that corner.
[BASH.]
Uh-oh.
Oh, but wait.
Black Magic's broken Thomas' arm off.
Thomas! [BASH.]
And she's using it as a club.
Talk about using your friends against you.
- Britannica taking a whooping.
- You cannot use foreign objects [BASH.]
Wait a minute.
What is that? Some sort of magic powder? Here, my little pussy.
[BASH.]
I think she's enchanted the ref.
He thinks he's a kitten.
Oh, my God! She has.
This is terrible.
I've never seen anything like this.
[EXHALES.]
[BASH.]
More enchantment powder.
And now Britannica seems to be under some kind of a sleep spell.
Black Magic taking her time to teach this scientist a lesson.
Black Magic is working her magic on Britannica.
[SHOUTS.]
[BASH.]
Oh! She's got her in a back brace.
This can only end badly.
Oh! [SHOUTS.]
[BASH.]
Britannica is down, but there's no one to give the count.
The ref still thinks he's a kitten.
This is heartbreaking.
She really loved Thomas.
It just goes to show a good mannequin is hard to find-equin.
[MAN.]
The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling is brought to you by Howard Foods.
Howard-Os.
More O, less no.
Now with new caliente flavor.
¡Olé! Hi, there.
I'm Lois Daly.
And I'm Joan Hannaford-Hobs.
And this week on Quilting BeeEasy, we are going to show you how to create a pioneer wedding quilt, a truly special heirloom you can hand down from generation to generation.
So get your batting your binding and your colorways ready and join us Thursday at 4:30 on K-DTV and remember life may be hard, but Quilting Bee Easy.
Do you miss Welfare Queen beating up everyone in the ring? Well, now you can take your very own Welfare Queen doll home with you.
Limited edition for only $9.
99! [WELFARE QUEEN.]
Hey there, can, get out of my way.
 [GRUNTING.]
I pity this fool.
Call now.
The Queen is waiting.
- I don't like this.
- What, Macchio? Lying on our backs while Liberty Belle is out there daughterless.
You have to turn over once every 15 minutes to get an even tan.
No, that's not what I mean.
We have to do something.
Hey, wait, I know how we can help.
Yesterday on the way home from school A child disappeared Stuff like this keeps happening I think it's really weird Don't these kidnappers know That kidnapping is wrong? Don't they know They're making people sad? How long can this go on? Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Don't kidnap Kidnappers, we're begging you Let the children run and play And the ones you've got Let them get away Then go find something else to do Every time I get milk for my cereal There's a face on the carton looking At me It's hard to enjoy my cereal Wondering if that child Will ever be free I wish these kidnappers would understand Just how much pain they cause They're just not taking children They're breaking hearts and laws That's why The buddy system is important If you don't want to get napped When a strange man offers you candy It's probably a trap It's a trap Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Don't kidnap Kidnappers, I'm begging you We don't end paying the ransom Let the children run and play And the ones you got let them get away Then go find something else to do Like sing with us Don't kidnap Kidnapping is wrong to do Just go for a walk or something Don't kidnap Kidnappers, I'm begging you Let the children run and play And the ones you've got Let them get away Then go find something else to do [MAN.]
If you would like to own your very own copy of "Don't Kidnap," call us toll-free at 1-800-555-0199.
All proceeds go to the Concerned Citizens Against Kidnapping.
Sorry, no CODs.
I was expecting a lot more.
There wasn't a single real cat in the show.
It was just people in costumes.
You're right.
It might have been tough to get real cats to hit some those high notes.
That's still false advertising.
Oh, sure, I'll get another drink.
[LAUGHING.]
No, you're Mr.
Mephistopheles.
I'm more of a Rum Tum Tugger.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Make yourself comfortable.
I don't do this very often.
You don't believe me.
No, really.
I'm not like that.
Do you like sports? Baseball.
Oh, hello.
Well, that's very forward.
You know, this is moving a little fast for me.
Maybe we should just call it a night.
Sir, I asked you to leave.
Sir, unhoof me.
I am your natural predator.
Do not make me do something we'll both regret.
Do not touch me.
This is your final warning.
I warned you.
I warned him.
- - [SHOUTING.]
[SAVANNAH ROSE.]
Mommy! Mommy, help me! I'm in the evil fortress.
Savannah Rose, mommy's coming! I tell you the view from this evil fortress is just spectacular.
We are not here for the view.
We are here to guard American girl child.
That is our only job.
- I have to go to the restroom.
- Yep.
[YAWNS.]
The air sure is thin up here in the mountains.
Beautiful.
I didn't always want to be a terrorist.
Once I wanted to be a dancer.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WOMAN.]
Beirut.
Beirut! - What? - I blinked.
It was just one long blink.
[SIGHS.]
Look! Liberty Belle! [SAVANNAH ROSE.]
Mommy! Savannah, where are you, baby? - Mommy, hurry! - [GRUNTING.]
Mommy, help me! Hold on, Savannah, I'm coming.
[GRUNTS.]
Looking for this? Mommy, help me! Where is she? Don't worry, she's safe.
In actual safe with air holes.
I'll give you the combination to the lock if you defeat me in the ring.
[CACKLING.]
[BLOWING.]
[BASH.]
And she's blowing the horn of war.
That means this match will be to the death.
[BELL RINGS.]
[BASH.]
And here comes Liberty Belle wasting no time, but Vicky acting like she barely feels it.
Practically laughing.
[LIBERTY BELLE SHOUTS.]
[REFEREE.]
! All right! Let that hair go.
[BASH.]
The Viking has set course for destruction! [SHOUTING.]
[REFEREE.]
Doesn't wanna quit.
Okay, let's go.
Let that hair go.
I'm gonna start counting.
You heard me.
I'm looking right at you! [BASH.]
Wow, it seems the tables have turned as Liberty Belle has Vicky in the crucifix.
I'm a Viking! [REFEREE.]
I can't have you in that corner.
[BASH.]
And the ref topples down like a sack of potatoes.
Wait a second, what's going on? Fortune Cookie and Beirut are approaching the ring.
It's three against one! That's not fair.
[SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
This does not look good for Liberty Belle.
[CHEERING.]
Yeah! [SHOUTING.]
[BASH.]
But wait.
She's taking something out of her costume.
Savannah! - [BASH.]
It's a picture of Savannah Rose! - My baby.
[BASH.]
Oh, what a glorious red, white and blue-eyed beauty she is! Only picture.
Give me that.
Get her up.
[BASH.]
It seems Vicky has apprehended said photo.
No, she's tearing apart the photo! She tore the photo! How could you? Uh-oh.
Here comes payback.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Things are completely turning around for Liberty Belle.
The bad girls looking totally shocked.
They underestimated the power of a mother's love.
And the bad girls topple like a house of cards.
- What's the combination? - [CHOKING.]
Tell me! It's one, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
[REFEREE.]
That's it, that's the match winner.
Hold on, Savannah Rose.
I'm coming for you.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One, one, one, one, one, one, two.
One one, one, one, one one two.
Mommy, I missed you.
Oh, I missed you too, baby girl, and I promise, I'll never let anyone lock you in a safe ever, ever again.
All the things I will do with new foot once deformity's no longer.
Dance, have pedicure, find able-bodied lover.
Paging Mr.
Mickey Rourke.
[LAUGHS.]
This operation is symbol.
This thing I have always wanted is freedom.
Like finally going to Moscow, [LAUGHS.]
except is actually happening, and also I have already been to Moscow.
And also, we are only two sisters, not three sisters.
Zoya! Oh, nyet! [ZOYA GRUNTS.]
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN.]
[MAN.]
See, Rosalie? I told you.
It's Justine.
I mean, she's dressed as a nurse, but it's definitely her.
Jesus fucking Christ.