Hannah Montana s02e08 Episode Script

Great rehearsal, you guys.
-Hey, thanks.
-Bring it on.
I can't believe we're actually going to be performing for the President of the United States.
This is so cool! Did you see that? The new guy touched me.
Didn't anybody tell him? Hello! Never touch the star.
Never, ever, ever.
Gotcha.
We do that to all the new dancers.
Hope you're not mad at me.
Try totally humiliated.
I'm so out of here.
-Jeremy.
-Gotcha back.
You're good.
Good enough to go to a movie with tonight? -I'd like that.
-Me, too.
I'm in the mood for a comedy or maybe something where Taye Diggs takes his shirt off.
Either one works for me.
Jeremy, this is my bodyguard, Roxy.
That's right, and it's my job to protect Hannah Montana from danger, all kinds of danger.
Know what I'm saying, dancer boy? I think you do.
come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe every colour Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds So, how was the date? Mine or hers? Free refills, Taye took his shirt off twice.
I'd give it two thumbs up, but I don't wanna let go of my bucket.
Dad, he is never gonna ask me out again.
Honey, you say that about every boy you and Roxy date.
Do I even need to tell you what's wrong with that sentence? Sense of humour, that's gonna help you later in life.
Now, you are singing for the President tomorrow.
You need to get your rest, and I need to go home and find my bullet-proof pantyhose.
Keeps bullets out, keeps Roxy in.
Dad, this night was a disaster.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
I bet the boy had a good time.
Dad, Roxy put a bell around his arm.
So every time he tried to make a move, it went Exactly how many times did the boy "ding"? It doesn't matter, Daddy.
Every time he went "ding," she went, "Don't," and I went, "Dang!" Well, honey, Roxy's just doing her job.
To be honest with you, I agree with her, 'cause when it comes to girls, boys will say and do just about anything.
No, no, Julie.
I'm serious.
I am a professional motocross racer.
Heck, yeah.
I'm working on my bike right now.
Listen to that engine purr.
Julie? Julie? Man, how could she not believe me? I'm guessing you puréed when you should've liquefied.
Of course.
Dad, not all boys are like that.
I bet you didn't lie to girls.
Well, honey, when you got a head of hair like this, you don't have to.
Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days One, two, three, four Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days Everybody knows what what I'm talking about Everybody gets that way I have a visual on Montana.
Repeat, I have a visual on Montana.
Yes, I'll get her autograph, Mom.
Bring in the President.
Wow, the President! Sushi.
Lola likey.
Mr President, Sophie, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter, Hannah Montana.
Hold, please.
And go.
And we're clear.
I can't believe I'm meeting Hannah Montana.
I can't believe I'm meeting America's angel.
As leader of the free world, may I say your concert was off the hook and you were the bomb? Daddy, keep it real or keep it quiet.
What? Just because I live in the White Hizzle doesn't mean I got no sizzle.
Don't worry, sweetie.
All dads are embarrassing.
Yeah, but yours never stopped a motorcade because he saw a horsey.
Now, Sophie, horses have owners and owners vote, and I got to feed him a carrot.
Don't you love it when those big, fat hairy lips just tickle the palm of your hand? That's my favourite part.
Sushi! President likey.
Watch this.
The Japanese ambassador loves this.
Roxy, what are you doing? Really, there's enough for everyone.
Enough to get you sick.
I'm sorry, sir, but what we have here is a case of fish gone funky.
Excuse me? Oh, boy.
The salmon's coming back upstream.
Amazing.
A nose like that should be working for the President of the United States.
I'm honoured, sir, but I can't leave Hannah.
-Sure you can.
-What? I mean, you cannot pass up an opportunity like this.
He's the President of the United States.
Not bad! Up top, Miss Montana! Up top, Mr Prez.
But, Roxy, your country needs your keen sense of smell.
I mean, sour milk, bad bologna? This honker is the only thing that can keep your President on the job and off the john.
I can appreciate that, but I still don't think that I should, you know Whee doggies! That's a nice outfit, Son.
I hadn't seen that much leather since your grandma got all gussied up for singles' bingo.
Dad! Dad! Dad! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to Julie's to tell her I just took fourth place in the big race.
Well, why not just tell her you won? Because this way I don't even need to show her a trophy.
Always thinking.
You see, Miley? If I take that job, who's gonna protect you from boys who are "always thinking"? I mean, I've had your back ever since we met down at Wig City.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think so.
All right, this is getting to be downright painful.
I'll be right back.
-Now we cooking with gas.
-I love it! Hey, Mile.
What do you think of this one? I'm guessing you the daddy.
Don't worry.
I'll help him next.
It kind of looks like Aunt Pearl when she gets back from the beauty shop.
I know, and you've changed my life, too, but let's face it, Roxy.
This schnoz is bigger than the both of us.
-You want me to go, don't you? -No, I don't.
Yes, you do, 'cause I'm all up in your business.
Look me in the eye and tell me that isn't true.
Okay, fine it is.
I'm a girl.
I have needs.
Please tell me you just said you're a girl who has knees.
Roxy, it's not that I want you to go.
I don't.
I just need a little space.
Sure.
I give you a little space and something happens to you.
That's not the way Roxy rolls.
Well, I'm tired of Roxy rolling all over my life.
Hey, speaking of rolls, why don't I heat up some sweet ones? And then we can get all buttered up, and we'll sit back and be reasonable about this.
I don't need to be reasonable.
I just need to protect Hannah Montana, and if I can't do it full-out Roxy, I can't do it at all.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't.
Well, if that's the way you want it, then I'm happy to oblige.
Goodbye, Miss Montana.
I blame myself.
I should've offered up my sticky buns sooner.
It's not your fault, Daddy.
We'll find a bodyguard better than Roxy.
One that understands my knees.
These babies, right here.
Yeah.
So, tell us something about yourself and what qualifies you to be Hannah Montana's bodyguard.
I love your music.
I love what you stand for, youth, innocence and fun, and if anybody threatens that, I'll rip their guts out and feed them to the pigeons.
I'm the bodyguard you want! I'm the bodyguard you need! Thank you, Mr Annihilator.
There's a lot of bad hombres out there looking to pump up the party.
Well, I got one question for them.
You got nerve? Well, do you, punk? Do you? Thank you, Mr Mysterious Stranger.
Well, that fits.
Let me make one thing abundantly clear, princess.
Anybody comes within spitting distance of you, we're gonna have to go for a little ride and maybe have a little conversation.
Agabish? And what I'm gonna say is, bada-bing, bada-boom, end of story, forget about it.
Thank you, Mr -There's no name here.
-You don't need to know my name.
Well, Mile, you've seen over 30 bodyguards.
-There must be one you like.
-There is, and I kept seeing her in everyone that came in.
-You miss Roxy, don't you? -Yes.
I made a mistake, Dad.
I mean, sometimes she gets on my last nerve, but she's family.
Well, the President doesn't leave town till tomorrow, so you've got time to go to the hotel and talk to her.
Come on, Dad.
She's never gonna come back after the things I said.
You never know till you try, bud.
Stranger things have happened.
You got that right.
Come on, Julie.
I swear.
I would have shown you the bike, but I crashed it.
See, here's the handlebars.
Come on, girl.
Don't walk so fast.
I'm getting a thigh rash.
Rico, do a dude a favour.
Run down to the store and get me some baby powder.
Jackson, I say this because I care.
You're pathetic! The First Daughter was so excited when you called.
Well, I thought teaching America's angel one of my songs would be a great way to serve my country.
She's such a giver.
Sophie will be here momentarily.
Until then, you have permission to play with the dolls.
It's a lot of fun I've been told.
Okay.
While I'm waiting, I think I'm just gonna go say hi to one of my old bodyguards.
That's a negative.
-Are you sure? -That's a positive.
I have orders to keep Hannah Montana in this room.
Orders from a seven-year-old.
Tomorrow we go to Make a Moose.
Well, this is great.
Now, we're stuck in here.
No, Hannah's stuck in here.
-You don't have a clue, do you? -Not one.
Hannah, check it out! I look just like you.
Wow! You look more like me than I do.
Let's learn that new song.
Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days Roxy? Roxy? Roxy? Oh, boy.
There you are.
Well, you're early.
I am? Well, then why don't I just go away and come back then? Toodles! Oh, no, no, no.
I know how in demand you are.
I hear you're the finest dog whisperer on the West Coast.
Dog whisperer? Poor Humphrey.
He won't eat, and he's sadder than the vice President when he heard I passed my physical.
Can you help him, please? I'd love to, but I just got an emergency call.
Bashful beagle in Beverly Hills.
So sad.
Toodles.
Please.
You're my last hope, and I'm not asking as the President.
I'm asking as a loving dog owner, who can get you a ride on Air Force One.
Yes, Mr President.
I guess I'll just whisper to the dog.
Where's Roxy? -What's that? -Please.
Let me do my job.
I don't tell you how to run the country.
Point made.
Carry on.
Yes.
Yes.
I'll tell him.
Okay.
He's sick of his dog food.
Kibble, kibble, kibble.
Boring! You're amazing.
Can I get room service? This is the President of the United States.
Yes, I'll hold.
And so will you.
Well, look at that.
There it is.
Looks delicious.
And we're back to toodles.
See ya.
Well, no, no.
Wait a second.
He's still not eating.
Okay, okay.
Humphrey, all your favourites.
Boiled liver.
Ox tongue stew.
Yeah.
Calf-brains fricassee.
I think he knows you're faking.
You have got to be kidding me.
I'd do it myself, but I just had my teeth whitened, and I can't afford a meat stain.
I'd better get a medal out of this.
That's some good liver.
Nobody's perfect, no, nobody's perfect Are you sure you're Hannah Montana? Why, of course I am.
Why would you ask a silly question like that? I don't know.
Because you stink on ice.
Well, what do you expect? I didn't bring my lights.
I didn't bring my band.
Yeah, you didn't bring your talent, either.
I just want the Hannah Montana I saw on stage.
So do I, kid.
So do I.
Come on.
Eat, puppy, eat.
I'm begging you.
Why don't you try the brains? If I had any, I wouldn't be here right now.
Mr President, the dog whisperer is here.
Thank you, Agent Obvious.
Well, that's who's out Sweet niblets.
Mr President, I don't know what's going on here, but I have to tell you Wait! Wait, wait.
Humphrey has something he wants to say.
I can't wait to hear this.
What's that, Humphrey? The reason you haven't been eating is because you miss somebody terribly? Well, why don't you just tell that person? You have, but they wouldn't answer your phone calls.
I mean, listen to you.
Hold on.
I think I know what's going on here.
-You do? -You do? Of course.
My Humphrey-mumphrey misses me.
I've been so busy, I've been ignoring you, haven't I, boy? Now hold on, Mr President.
Maybe it wasn't your fault.
Maybe Humphrey was being disobedient, stubborn and a little bratty.
Oh, yeah? Well, Humphrey says he was just trying to be a dog, and sometimes dogs need to be let off their leash.
But what if that dog runs off and gets itself into all kinds of trouble? Well, you've got to trust that you've trained it well enough to know right from wrong.
And you have.
-What's that, buddy? -He said he loves you.
And he knows that you love him, too.
I do.
I do.
And we're going to be spending a lot more time together, starting now.
Come on, buddy.
I saw a French poodle in the lobby, and she's quite the hottie.
Come on.
Come on.
-I do love you, Roxy.
-And I love you.
That's why I want to protect you.
I know, but maybe Maybe I do it a little too much sometimes? Roxy, I don't want you out of my life.
I just want you in it a smidge less.
And I know that's not the way Roxy rolls, but maybe Child, you ate dog food for me.
Maybe I can bend a little for you.
So you're not gonna come on dates with me any more? No, I'm saying you just won't see me.
-I can live with that.
-So can I.
But what I can't live with is that doggie breath.
Stanky! But you still cute.
Hey, Daddy, look who's back.
Of course I'm back.
The President and his daughter are wonderful people, but they're not family.
I was there two days, not a single hug.
Well, let me just take care of that right now.
It's good to have you back.
I'm not done.
Two whole days, Robby Ray! Miley, why are you dressed up like Lola? Right, we had to switch back at the hotel and Oh, no.
Lilly! Now we are going to do this until we get it right.
-Now, one more time from the top.
-But -What's that, everyone? -"Encore.
Encore.
More.
More.
" You heard them.
Now five, six, seven, eight! Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days -And I'm having one right now.
-At least you get to go home.