Happily Divorced (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
Oh, hurry up, boys.
This is it.
Judi's commercial's about to begin.
- This is it! Quiet! - Oh! when your lady parts have taken a snooze get yourself some estrogen chews ooh! - That's great.
- Oh, Judi.
- So good.
- You were great! Damn, I'm cute.
In the old days, no one believed in this hormone crap.
Women just turned into men.
Oh, Judi, I think you're gonna get a lot of work fr this.
Next you'll be doing activia commercials and those pants that ladies use when they pee a little after they laugh.
Well, I'm headed home now.
Oh, no, Cesar.
Stay.
We just bought champagne for everyone.
Oh, no, I can't.
I promised my wife I'd go home because her mother is coming.
Oh, hell yeah, I'll have some booze.
So, Judi, who was that great-looking guy that played your husband? His name is Scotty.
He lives on sweetzer, and he has a puggle that wears a burberry sweater.
That's him.
He brought the dog to the set.
I was hitting on him all day.
Why didn't he just say he was gay? You couldn't put the pieces of the puggle together? I don't know.
Why didn't that guy just tell me the truth? Judi, it's not something you can just blurt out.
You think I just woke up d said, "I'm gay"? No, you woke me up instead.
Fran, come on.
We have guests.
You really want to get into all the Okay, all right.
You're right.
Tonight's Judi's night.
Me! But I've always been curious.
Why? Why that night, after 18 years of marriage, did you decide was the perfect night to rip my kishkas out? Fran, it's old news.
Come on.
The point is, I came out.
Who really cares about the details? Look, all I remember is coming back from my therapist's office and forcing myself to put on a happy face and act like everything was fine.
Oh, God.
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God Oh, God.
Peter, is that you? Where are you? In the closet.
she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced Oh, hey, sweetie.
How'd it go at therapy? Good.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Mwah.
So what did he say about those headaches that you're having? Yeah, he said there's a possibility that I'm not getting enough sleep.
Of course you're not getting enough sleep.
I mean, you spend half the night having those terrible nightmares where you're screaming at Ryan Gosling.
What's he doing to you in those dreams? Franny, you know what? I'm really not supposed to talk about this.
It's, uh, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oh, that's for the doctor, not for you.
You know, sweetie, I've been thinking.
I mean, you've been going to him for six years already.
Maybe it's time we think about you switching.
I don't want to switch.
I like things the way they are.
Want to have intercourse? Okay.
Oh, crap.
Oh, it's Judi.
Ah.
Judi, how'd the audition go? They said I was all wrong for the character.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
What was the part? Black woman.
Oh, come on, Judi.
What do they know? You know, the head of mgm said Judy Garland was too fat, and she had a hump.
How do you know so much about Judy Garland? Just stuff guys know.
Judi.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we go to Victoria's secret? Weould pretend it's our birthdays to get the free pantie nah, they're on to me.
Just like every casting agent is in this business.
You know, I haven't got it.
I'm not wasting any more time going on auditions.
I'm done.
Oh, no.
Judi, you're crazy.
You're so talented.
For the rest of your life, like I did.
Why do you think I decided not to go to Juilliard? Because you can't sing, you can't dance, and you can't act? Says them.
I'm sorry, Fran.
My mind is made up.
Hey, Judi, don't you think you should take some time and think about this? Come on, you walk into an office, one person says this devastating news, and you're just supposed to accept it? Yeah.
Did it ever occur to you that the man could be wrong? Yeah.
You can play black woman.
You're an actress.
Judi, I just don't think it's smart to just rush into a life-changing decision like this.
Listen to him.
Yeah, take some time.
Think about it.
Take a week.
- Take a month.
- 18 years.
What kind of a schnook takes 18 years to make a decision? Judi.
Who doou think we're talking about? Don't make this about me, Fran.
What's the matter th you? I don't know.
Ask my therapist.
It's time I took a long, hard look in the mirror and faced the truth about myself.
I'm sorry, but it's damn obvious what I need to do.
You know what? She's right.
She does need to do those things.
You knowhat? It's her life, and we just need to butt out.
- But - Out.
Well, obviously, all of this led to me telling Fran.
I just don't remember what the exact trigger was.
I remember I had my usual oatmeal that morning.
I had switched to the lactaid because I was having Pete! When the hell are you coming out already? I been ltening to this saga for 45 minutes.
At my age, that's a big chunk of what I got left.
Daddy, give him a chance.
He's trying to tell a story.
But he has a point.
You're no hans Christian andersen.
Speed it up.
Franny, I don't know what you're hoping to hear.
Look, is this really important anyway? Listen to your husband.
What does itatter why he did what he did when he did it? He's not doing you.
Move on.
Fran, look, I am sorry.
I can't remember every little detail of a very turbulent time in my life.
It's not like I had a tape recorder running 24/7 to get every little word.
No, you didn't, but I have a feeling we've got the next best thing.
Why are you looking at me? It was unusually warm that day.
We were sitting in the flower shop.
Hola, Mr.
Peter.
Oh, hey, Cesar.
Your wife told me to order lunch for us.
Would you like a taco, or would you prefer a burrito? What's that supposed to mean? What have you heard? Nothing.
I'm just giving you a choice.
It's not a choice.
I am a taco man, and I shall stay a taco man.
Hey.
Oh, hi, girls.
Where you been? Oh, I'm just coming back with Judi from her new job at the short stack pancake house.
I had a belgian waffle, buttermilk pancakes, and cream-cheese-filled french toast to show how supportive am of her new life.
You know, half a grapefruit is just as supportive.
You ow nothing about friendship, Peter.
Well, you do, franny, because I know how much you were against me giving up singing and getting a regular job.
Judi, if you're happy, I'm happy.
- But - Out.
Well, I'm happy.
For the first time in my life, I've got money in my pockets.
Actually, I've got money in my new purse.
Oh.
I've got these sunglasses.
I've got new shoes.
Mm, new perfume.
You smell great.
What is that? Bacon.
Well, Judi, it looks like you made the right decision.
And all of this after just four days of servjng pancakes.
Are they still hiring? Check out my tag.
Assistant manager.
It says "ass.
Manager".
Congratulations.
Yeah, congratulations, Judi.
Well done.
Thank you, Petey.
Well, I gotta go.
I cked up other shift.
You know when you're gainfully employed, they just give you credit cards? I'm livin' the dream, baby! Livin' the dream.
What are you doing? Why are you encouraging her? Judi is a performer.
She's repressing her true self.
Well, what's wrong with that? I mean, yoknow, it's eauier being a waitress.
It's it's acceptable, and it's respectable.
And andt makes everybody happy.
So from now on, when someone dangles a big microphone in front of her face, she just has to say to herself, "no, I am a waitress.
" Hey, wait a minute.
Did you get into our special brownies? 'Cause I was saving that for new year's.
No.
Well, I know you, Peter.
Something's up.
What is it? Is it work? No.
Is it me? Oh, God, no.
Are you regular? I'm trying to be.
Anyway, that's how I remember it.
At least, that's all I heard through the refrigerator glass, because this was before I tricked you into installing those vent okay.
This is why you shouldn't drink at work functions.
But you know, Pete, you were so angry that day, and I kept thinking, "is it me?" But I'd never done a single horrible thing to you that I didn't cover my tracks on.
Fran, it was not you.
It was everything I was going through.
Must've been torture for you.
Oh, my God, Dori.
I just got a text.
Our complex is on fire.
We need to go.
Daddy.
Your phone doesn't get texting.
You didn't want to pay the $1.
99 a month, remember? I'm paying for it now.
The thing that gets me, Pete, is that you did everything but hold up a sign.
Was I a total idiot? Fran, I was freaking out, and I was not being direct with you.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Well, that's true.
I guess at the time, none of us knew.
Well I just know that Judi is making a huge mistake.
Maybe she wasn't meant to be a performer, just like you.
What are you saying? I stunk? No, you just did.
But you said you loved me when I was in dreamgirls at the temple.
It's because your mother and I are wonderful actors.
Which is why it's so surprising you stunk.
Okay, okay.
We're talking about Judi here.
I gotta convince her not to give up on herself.
And Peter's no help, the big dope.
Keeps agreeing with her.
I don't know who he is anymore.
Lately it seems like we're on opposite teams.
Really.
Opposite teams? And why do you think that is? I have no idea.
Don't know what's gotten into him let's just say that Peter might be going through some inner turmoil.
I knew a guy like that in the army.
Oh, really? What was his story? I didn't ask, and he didn't tell.
What does that have to do with Peter? Why do you keep looking at each other? We're in love, darling.
Now, if you really want to know what's going on with your husband, sit down and ask him While your breasts are still perky.
Peter's not a boob man.
Makes sense.
And besides, what does that have to do with Peter and I fighting over Judi's decision? Look, sweetheart.
No person can ever deny who they truly are.
The truth eventually Comes out.
Oh, ma.
I think now I know what you've been trying to tell mf.
Halle-frickin'-lujah.
Now you kotta figure out a way to give the truth a little nudge.
You're so right, ma.
Yeah! I gotta nudge Judi into singing ain so she can stop being in denial.
Then Peter and I can go back to our normal, happy lives.
See you later.
Maybe the deviated septum goes all the way up to her brain.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Nice place.
Yeah, I thought because we we taking Judi out to celebrate her promotion, we might as well try someplace new.
- And? - And what? Oh, for heaven's sakes.
I had no idea.
Oy, I hope Judi doesn't think that I invited her here on purpose just so th I could get her to Oh, cut the crap.
Who you talking to? All rit, all right.
Just play alg, would ya? That's a good-looking burger.
Why have we never eaten here? 'Cause it's a y bar.
What's the matter? Why'd you get all stiff? I'm not stiff.
Nothing's stiff.
I like women.
So now the story is picking up.
Pete, your first time in a man bar.
So did you take anyone home that night? Yeah, me.
Why are you looking up at the ceiling? I don't want to make eye contact with any of the guys here.
I don't want to turn them on.
Please.
The only reason why any of these guys would want to rip your clothes off is because they're appalled by a sweater vest and corduroys.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
First round is on me, on my new korean air Visa card.
Bam! Oh, no.
This is on us.
You're not paying for anything.
We're here to celebrate your new lif so you bring me to a gay bar? Just how new did you think my life was gonna get? Judi, we're just so proud of you.
You made such a life-changing decision.
You know, it takes a lot of guts.
A lot of people Oh, look at this.
It's open mic night.
Seriously? Yeah, look.
This is why you dragged my ass down here? You think I'm gonna get on the stage and sing and get the bug all over again.
That's the plan.
Well, that's a bad plan, because I don't do that anymore.
And even if I did, when I sing, you know, I have certaintandards.
What? Holding a stack of pancakes with a candle in it? Come on, Judi.
Do it for me.
Really? Are you guys kidding? Hey, I had nothing to do with it, Judi.
I didn't choose this place.
Why would I? Judi, you can't deny who you really are.
You've got to follow your heart, or you'll never be happy.
Right? Right.
Now, I put your name on the list, and I evenhose our song.
If you don't get up there d sing, I will.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't threaten me.
All right.
Okay, boys, I'ma dedicate this song to the person that's making me sing it.
did you ever know that you're my hero and everything I would like to be I can fly higher higher than an eagle 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings oh, look at her, Peter.
This is where Judi belongs.
This is who she really is.
"To thine own self be true.
" If there's one thing I know, it's people.
So the only reason that Mr.
Peter had the courage to come out is because you pushed miss Judi.
So he didn't ruin your life.
You ruined your own life.
I'll make it easy on you.
I quit.
Cesar's right.
That was it.
That's what gave me the guts to tell you that night.
How about that? If I hadn't done what I did, we'd still be living as man and wife, instead of man and Schmuck.
Isn't that funny? It's one of those great stories we'll tell our grand Heh.
Never mind.
So we don't have grandchildren.
We have Whatever the hell this is.
Fran? You okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, Petey, I'm I'm I'm glad that I helped you to find your true self.
I-I am.
I really couldn't have done it without you.
Thank you, Fran.
And you do know I love you.
I always have, and I always will.
Yes.
Me too, you.
Ugh, can you imagine what it would be like if I hadn't come out? Oh, you would've been so frustrated.
- We would've started bickering.
- Mm.
Then we would've slept in separate bedrooms, not having sex, stuck in this house tokether.
Mm.
Oy, did we dodge a bullet.