Happy Endings s02e08 Episode Script

Ugh! I can't find anything to wear! I think I finally understand why you guys don't have a second car.
Well, actually, it's not all Jane's fault.
I mean, my smoothie budget is out of control.
Daddy don't do domestic papaya.
Splash! I think I got it! What can you possibly have out there that you haven't tried on already? - You'll see! - Okay, you're a crazy lady.
Oh, my God.
You're really gonna wear your wedding dress - to a charity event? - Yeah, maybe.
I don't even understand what you're raising money for.
Animals for change? Are you trying to genetically modify animals? Ooh, I want a teacup rhino.
Animals for change helps to protect endangered species, except for pandas.
They have plenty of money.
They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.
Okay, so someone else will be crating your opening remarks? Oh, you guys, what am I gonna wear? This event is stressing me out.
Jane, why don't you let me make you a dress? I've been taking fashion design classes online.
- Are you guys familiar with Tim Gunn? - Yeah! - Sure.
- Huge fan.
Good, 'cause it's run by his step-second cousin Nick Gun, with one "N.
" Tim blocked him from using "make it work," but he don't own "figure it out"! It's okay.
I-I think I'm gonna buy something.
Yo, son, you ready to take this rock to the hole? What's up, son? We going street on this, son! I swam as a kid.
Max, why so much side boob? Talk to me.
He wants you to notice his new tattoo.
Oh, another tattoo, huh? Wow.
You really don't want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Tacos Mi Corazón was having a special offer.
You get free tacos for life if you get a tattoo of their logo, so Obviously, you don't want to be buried in a Mexican cemetery either.
Well, the joke is on you, because my corpse will probably be unrecognizable.
Only you would spend hundreds of dollars on a tattoo just to get a free 99-cent food item.
Well, it also affords me the ability to threaten to get food on your clothes every day.
On, no, I won't.
I couldn't.
But I could.
But I wouldn't.
But I shouldn't.
But I should.
But I shouldn't.
But I-- Respect.
Penny, where have you been? I texted you "9-1-1," like, 3 times.
What? What? What is it? Did you push a q-tip too far in again? No, way worse.
My brother dropped off his kids for the weekend so him and his homemade-ricotta-selling wife can go save their marriage, which, to quote my best man speech, is "doomed.
" So now I'm stuck with these rugrats and their garbage hipster names for, like, three full days.
Hey! Django.
Hi, Rope.
Uncle Max didn't mean that.
He loves your names.
It's just opposite day, right? Uh, yeah, it's opposite day.
Everything's Everything's flip-flopped.
Yeah.
Your dad doesn't have a secret Facebook profile under the name Jeffrey Scrotum.
Come on.
What? Penny, I hate kids, and I'm not talking the type of hate that goes away after a series of zany misadventures where we grow to love each other.
I'm talking about a blistering hate for them and their creepy, tiny, little features.
Max, you're in luck.
If there's anything that 15 years of babysitting has taught me, it's one-- If a dad ask you how school's going, don't bite your lip, toss your hair, and say, "I think we both know we're not talking about school," and two-- Kids love me! Okay, I'm gonna have these two calling me aunt Penny Before Jeffrey Scrotum can get to 1,000 friends.
So anyway, thank you for understanding.
I just want to buy my dress for the event.
Yeah, it's totally fine.
I mean, this is my first year running it, and I really want to make my mark, you know, stand out.
Yes, of course.
Look, I'm fine.
Come on.
Hug it out.
Okay, I can feel you measuring me.
Oh, come on! Give me a chance.
Al, I am sure that you are doing great at those online "Project Runway" classes.
Ooh.
Legally, we're not allowed to call it that, so it's "Situation Walkspace.
" But, Jane, I got so many great dress ideas.
That's actually always your problem.
You have so many ideas and then you just try to mash 'em all together instead of focusing on one.
Look, I can keep the dress simple and elegant.
Please! Please! Please! Oh, hang on.
I'm getting a call.
Hello? Jane, it's for you.
It's please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Fine.
Yeah! Whoa.
Whoa.
No hat? Good note.
You're pureeing.
Now you're whipping.
No.
Whisking.
You're right between whip and whisk.
You're right between 'em.
Now you're just chopping, you crazy son of a bitch.
Ha ha! Damn, you're good.
- Nine in a row.
- Yeah, man.
Who's the wild man now? - He can't hear you.
- Who's the wild man now?! - Now he can hear you.
- Brad-mamma-jamma! Drew-crew! Got those long Johns for your long John.
I love the way you ship, man! I love the way you deliver.
- Oh, uh, Dave, Drew.
Drew, Dave.
- Hey.
- All right.
- Yeah, man.
Regulation says I gotta turn this into, uh, trash.
Oh, no, you di-in't! Oh, yes, I did! Oh! At the buzzer! He makes it from way up top! This guy can ball.
Stop that.
Oh.
But yes, he can.
Drew, our buddy's stuck babysitting, so we need a third for our 3-on-3 game.
You want in? Does Frank in 4B need sex doll repair parts? Uh Yeah, he does.
As a matter of fact, I better get going.
He gets super horny around noon.
- All right, man.
- But who doesn't, right? Amen, man.
Is he gonna play or-- Oh, hey, just to be clear on the metaphor-- Yes, I am playing.
All right! Drew-tang clan! Man, I can't wait to play basketball with that "Drewd.
" And this is my favorite room in the entire doll museum.
It's all antique dolls! Wow, Penny.
This is where you take kids? Max, this is where I used to take all the kids I babysat.
Sure, you know, it's gotten a little rundown since Madame Leflarge got dementia, but I think the kids are digging it.
I'm scared.
Guys, don't be scared, okay? These dolls are works of art.
"Handcrafted with real human hair and teeth.
" Ew! I'm tired and hungry.
Well, aunt Penny made us some lunches, and we're gonna go downstairs to this cool museum cafe where you guys can eat with the dolls! - I don't want to see the dolls eat! - No way! Penny, they're hugging me.
Their little hands are all over me.
I thought you said you knew what kids liked.
Max, they're just hungry.
Guys, I made us cantaloupe cut in the shape of dolls.
Come on! It was a theme.
Okay, you're fired.
I'm taking over.
Let's go.
I love you all.
Wilmer, can I get four of your most colorful jarritos, please? And let me get a cup of pico de gallo, extra de gallo on that.
Thanks, wilmer.
Cool.
You don't have to pay? No, when you got a taco tattoo, they're free.
- I want a tattoo.
- Me, too.
Cool.
Cool.
I know a place that does kids.
Max! Fine.
No tattoo until you finish your tacos.
- Thanks, uncle Max.
- I've asked you not to call me that.
You're funny, uncle Max.
Ah, hey.
I like tacos, too.
I like tacos, too.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Let's hear it for aunt Penny! I'm awesome! To be fair, I am their real uncle.
Blood is thicker than annoying.
Ha! - What's up? Ha ha! - Drew! Ho ho! Ha ha! You ready to ball it out, son? Oh, you know it.
Everything I'm wearing is from the Pau Gasol collection, man.
And I just dumped out, so I should be light on my feet.
- All right.
- 90% of the game's balance, and the other 2% stretching it out, homes.
You see what I'm saying? Watch this.
Ohh! Yeah! I don't know that stuff.
All right, man, I think this dude is the perfect guy to N1 with us, fool.
Do you even know what N1 is? It's a rap group.
I know my hip-hop, son! Here we go.
Check ball.
Ball in.
Check ball.
- Check ball.
- I just said that.
- Ready to do this, bitch boy? - Yeah.
Oh, ho ho! Come on, man.
Bring it! Come on, man.
Come on.
Aah! Yeah! Foul! - On who? - You.
Everybody saw it, man.
Don't play.
It's just a game.
Check it.
Yeah! All right.
Here we go.
It's Drew time! You ready for this? Oh, ho ho.
I don't think so.
Aah! Get out-- Get out of my way! Shut up! Shut up! Oh, come on! Oh, ho ho ho! Huh? How you like my sweat, homeboy? I got weird glands, man.
I can't turn it off.
I can't turn it off.
Oh! Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hey, pull your pants up, weirdo.
Open.
I'm open.
I'm open.
I'm open.
Yes! Ugh! Come on! Foul! Man, that is ridiculous! You are T'd up! You are T'd up! God! Oh! Gotta stay warm.
Gotta stay loose.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! What you looking at? Aah! Come on, Jane.
Let's see it.
Well? It's beautiful.
I mean, it's It's clean, it's elegant, it's not poking me.
I mean, it's everything I wanted for my event.
Well, I took your advice.
I focused and I kept it simple.
- I mean, I love it.
- Mm.
I am so glad because I thought I was gonna be dealing with a real mess here, like a bedsheet with secret pockets and-- and velcro with no corresponding velcro, maybe a-- We can just go with "I love it!" I do.
I love it.
Great game, guys.
Ow! Let's go rip some beers.
I know a bar just a few blocks away.
Only takes coins, though, so we have to stop at a laundromat.
Hey, I got a thing, man.
Sounds real.
I respect that.
Yeah, uh, I'm probably just gonna go home and watch some tv.
Ah, yes, I hear ya, loud and clear.
I said I had a thing, man.
I was in the clear.
Yeah, like I was gonna let you leave me alone with him while he "showers up" at my place.
Hey, Brad.
Thanks again, man, for letting me borrow your loofah.
Guys, you gotta get over here.
There's a great episode of "The Man Show" on.
We gotta get him out of here.
Yo, Drew, listen, man - Uh, you know what? - Uh I already know what you're gonna say, and, uh, I'm sorry.
I got a little wild this afternoon, you know? I run hot.
What can I tell you, you know? I play to win, - you know, even though we lost.
- Yeah.
- It's cool, man.
Don't worry about it.
- Yeah, it's-- it's Really? All right, good, because I got three sweet seats to the Bears game tomorrow, and I'm two bros short.
What do you say, bros? Uh Close to the action! All right.
We wouldn't want to waste those.
- All right.
I mean, yeah.
Okay.
- For real? - Yeah, I'm down, man.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about! Oh! Ew! Oh! Hey! - Hey, Pen.
What's up? - I was in the neighb.
I thought I'd come take the kids off your hands.
Oh, you know what? We're cool.
This whole taking care of kids business is way easier than I thought.
Yeah, tv really is nature's babysitter.
You can't just plop the kids in front of a tv and it's okay 'cause you didn't know.
But, you know, kids need to be stimulated and active.
- Aw! - Seriously? Come on.
It seemed like they were doing okay.
Yeah, but eventually they'll get bored of this, - so why don't you just-- I'll just tag you on out.
- I'm good.
Ain't no thang.
Get on outta here.
It's a thang.
I can't leave.
Pass me the Baton, Max.
I need them to love me.
I'm princess Penny from the palace of Chicago.
Huh? Who's ready for a heated link here, huh? Anybody? They're good.
Knock-knock.
Try it, man.
It's delicious.
Come on, big man.
Give it a shot.
- Come on, man.
- All right.
All right! Brad, how you like that baked ziti? - Mm-hmm! - I call it trunk ziti because, uh, actually the trunk bakes it.
- Bleh! - Well, we better pound these beers and get in there.
Game's about to start.
No way.
You guys got tickets to the game? Yeah, your tickets, the ones you got for us.
Oh, no, no.
I said I had seats close to the action, and we do.
Gentlemen, we're gonna be watching the game from the 50-yard line of Billy's flattie! - Yo, Billy! - Mm-hmm.
Uh What? My seats aren't good enough for you guys? No, it's just-- I have a thing.
He had a thing yesterday and now you have a thing? There's no way two different guys have two different things two days in a row.
Bro, we just thought-- You just thought you were better than me, huh, Mr.
Rich man? Always getting like you don't have a care in the world.
I do ground sometimes.
Aah! Look, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.
Yeah, you misunderstood how powerful I am, gigolo.
What? Gigolo? I know everything there is to know about both of you-- Socials, credit card numbers Wait a minute.
How do you know about my stuff? 'Cause I'm a mailman.
And I know your mailman.
His name's Robin And we're close.
Uh Billy! Yes! Good old time! Yeah! Yeah! What's up, Billy? Hey, Billy.
You look racist.
Good morning, Kate.
Welcome to animals for change.
You are a hippo.
Kate's a hippo Okay, next year, - no tables named after animals.
- Mm-hmm.
Jane.
Don't you look smart.
I love your dress.
Thank you, Mary.
My sister made it.
She's an up-and-coming designer, and this dress-- One of a kind.
Really? One of a kind? Yeah, completely original.
- My sister's quite the talent.
- Your sister's J.
Crew? Oh My God.
Oh! Same color.
Okay.
My sister is J.
Crew.
Hi! I'm Beyonce and I'm having a baby.
It's your boy, Jay-Z.
Ooh! Mwah.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Holla back.
Holla back for Babe-Z! Holla back! Holla back! Guys, holla-- Who's hollering b-- Hey! What's going on? We're playing diner.
Right now they're making me a ham and cheese sandwich.
It's pretty adorable.
I get to be manager.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Give me that knife and like me more.
Pen, if there's anything the last 36 hours of babysitting has taught me, it's that kids like to be treated like adults.
Ugh! Hey, Rope, when I said "surprise me," I didn't mean by bringing me a terrible sandwich, okay, you whack job? We love you, uncle Max.
See you again.
Hey! Hey, Al.
I got so many comments on this dress! Really?! Yeah! Most of them were "I can't believe we're all wearing the same dress!" Okay.
I'm busted.
Did I ruin the event for you? No.
Accidentally seating five plus-size women at the hippo table ruined the event.
Apparently, all my large donors are Large donors.
So Why did you lie? 'Cause I wanted to show you that I could make a simple and elegant dress, and it just turned out horrible.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Show it to me.
Okay.
Here it is! Garbage.
Wow.
No, when you-- You know what? No.
I'm sorry.
You know, when you really look at it, it is actually worse than garbage.
That is err oof.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's I don't know what I was thinking.
I mean, I stapled on five feathers.
Why feathers? Why staples? I should just throw it out.
Clearly, I am not good enough.
Alex, wait.
Give me the dress.
I want it.
Why? 'Cause you are gonna get better at this.
Okay, you're gonna figure it out.
And one day, people are gonna be fighting over an Alex Kerkovich original, and I want the first one.
Oh, you know what? Do you have a lint roller? 'Cause there's just a little No! That's supposed to be there! Oh, it's not sticking back on.
Stapler.
Look, it's gonna be fine, all right? He's never gonna know it was us.
We'll just find his supervisor, tell him one of his employees is abusing the postal data, and terrorizing customers.
Right.
Also I want to buy some Karl Malden Forever stamps.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
We'll make time for that.
Yes! Excuse me, uh, I need to speak to somebody about my mailman-- Drew.
Crazy, right? - Totally insane.
- Yeah.
I can't believe he's dead.
What now? Yeah, he was delivering a package out at the zoo, thought one of the polar bears was big-timing him.
So he got in the polar bear's face, and the polar bear proceeded to maul him - about the chest and buttocks.
- No.
I'm sorry.
Were you friends of his? Because we were trying to put together a memorial for him, but none of us really knew him.
Nope.
I got a thing.
Okay, so what does it say about us that we're not devastated that this guy we've been hanging out with for two days is now just gone? On the other hand, what does it say about Drew that neither one of us was even remotely surprised that he taunted a bear into a murderous rage? Yeah.
Poor guy didn't have a single friend to throw a memorial for him.
He did take us to a Bears game.
No, he didn't.
Well, you know what we gotta do.
We gotta find 40 pounds of seal meat, lace it with ketamine, find that bear, knock it out, and steal its baby.
I like it.
Psychological warfare.
But first, we gotta throw a memorial for a guy we barely even know.
Yeah.
And then we do the seal meat thing.
You know it.
And what, son? And what? I'll get you inside.
No, we're great.
They're great.
Everybody's great.
Django, more coffee.
Yeah, take your time, bro.
Enjoy that ricotta, you know what I'm saying? Okay, love you, too, man.
Django, seriously, more coffee.
Uncle Max I don't want to play diner anymore.
Me neither.
We're bored.
I want to do something fun.
I mean, we've already played diner, maid, car wash, dog-kidnapper-and-bring-her- backer-for-a-$50-rewarder.
I don't want to what else to do with you guys.
I can't find my tie.
My tie.
Django, come on, man.
You gotta stay out of my closet.
I'm off to Drew's memorial.
You guys want to see a dead body? - Yeah! - Yeah.
Drew was a man A mailman-- Who lived life on Earth.
Chicago Right here Every day.
Every day.
He delivered mail.
Help me out, Dave.
Everybody that knew Drew knows that he was a man that really enjoyed heating food with his car - Mm.
- And yelling.
Drew loved to play basketball.
I can't believe you wore my dress! I wanted to show you how proud I am of you, and I do not care of what anyone in here thinks of me.
Again, we could've just stopped at "I'm so proud of you!" I am.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh.
A few too many staples.
- Yeah.
- Really.
Ugh, would you look at that.
Bringing kids to a memorial service at a bar? Why didn't I think of that? You said there'd be a dead body.
There is.
Right there.
What do you mean? Well, they took the body and they burned it for hours, then they burned it some more, stuck it in there.
Is he in heaven now? Who knows? Then what happens when you die? I think you just go away, like the light turns off.
So you're just gone? Yeah, you're just gone.
- Nothing else? - Nothing else.
You know how they say there's people that will remember you forever? They die, too.
What are you doing? I thought you guys said you wanted to be treated like adults.
Penny! Oh, Drew was a man who lived by the sea or the land or a lake I don't know he doesn't know And so of course there's a heaven.
And the clouds are made of candy and you can eat free tacos, even if you never got a tattoo, which you shouldn't, and if you must, don't go lower back.
They're very hard to remove-- And everyone is happy all the time.
And anyways, it doesn't even matter, because by the time you guys are that old, they will have invented magical robots to help us live forever.
Really? But heaven sounds fun.
- I want to die! - Me, too.
How we gonna do it? No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Reverse.
Reverse.
Back to the Hey, how we doing here? Great.
Thanks, aunt Penny.
You're the best, aunt Penny.
"Aunt Penny.
" Actually, can we not? "Aunt Penny" makes me sound old.
Yeah, she doesn't need any help in that department, huh? Max, please.
Come here, you guys.
Ohh! We would like to say a final good-bye.
Our time spent with you was not always easy.
In fact, it was a little uncomfortable, but you represented something very, very, very special.
Sorry I'm late.
Sorry I'm late.
Are we really spreading the ashes - of a guy we barely knew? - No, that's just the dress Alex made for Jane.
It had to be destroyed.
We killed it.
- Okay.
- You're going to the big walk-in closet in the sky.
Say hi to Nemo's mom for me.
Oh, this was the dress overloaded with swag why staples, why feathers, I don't know oh, oh, oh he doesn't know he doesn't Oh! I'm getting some blowback.
- Oh, it's all in my mouth.
- Whatever.
Hey, guys.
Oh! Oh! I got the dress I burned.
Huh? Ugh! Why? It's all over me! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No! Oh, my God! That's Drew! It's Drew! This is Drew? Yeah!