Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e08 Episode Script

1 l'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual-- ''Bi''-- Sebben and Sebben board of directors meeting.
OK, first chart--Look out! We made a lot of money this year by suingLet's see doctors, dentists, astrologists, the maker of all-terrain vehicles people that own sidewalks, the people that put cheese in the crust Big Tobacco, Little Tobacco, and, oh, yeah, some priests.
But as you can see from the next board-- Think fast! Where we really made the money this year was in-- same as everybody else-- arms sales.
Oh, new area this year: Opium.
People are just nuts about it, so we're seeing rising profits enlarging revenue, and lots of good, firm growth.
We're turgid with cash.
Tumescent in-- Mr.
Peanut, do you have something you want to share - with the rest of the class? - Not really.
Well, maybe you can get up here and tell us the percentage our revenue is up over last year.
Board of directors? More like the board of erectors! Stop looking! Stop looking! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Peanut.
Oh, get away from meDad.
You don't understand.
Peanut, umuhHold on.
''There comes a time when every young superhero ''starts to get their special powers.
'' - What do you know, Harvey?! - Not a lot! So, l guess we're not gonna need the banana and the condom.
Come in.
Oh, are you lost, little do--boy? They have my dad locked up in a cage.
lsn't that cute? He calls a jail cell a cage.
No, really, it's a cage.
A dog cage.
lt's awful.
They say he bit someone and now they want to euthanize him.
Aw, that's not so bad.
Who doesn't want to be younger? Wow, that's hot! - Sure you don't want any? - No.
No, thank you.
Oh, listen, Chief, l need a favor.
Peanut--Well, he's getting his superpowers and he really needs someone to talk to.
So, l figured Apache Chief, he knows about this stuff.
Well, not any more than you.
Come on, don't tell me you didn't learn something from being in those films in the Eighties.
The Chief's Totem Pole, The Chief's Tee Pee.
Please, l am ashamed of those.
The Super Friends fired me, and, well, there were bills to pay-- Look, all l'm asking is you take him to a ball game or something and talk to him about it.
When l came of age my father took me to watch two bison mate.
Or you could take him to watch two bison mate.
Whatever you think is best.
Look out! Peanut, so you know that you can ask me any questions that you have about going through superty.
OK, yeah, l do have some questions.
Does it matter what size my shield is? When will l start to get my cape? ls it OK if my power bands stick out an angle when l'm excited-- l mean stick out? Well, yes Ooh, Peanut, look.
Over there.
Far, far away in the field.
Charge! So, he bit someone, did he? Uh-huh.
Let me check something.
Come here, boy.
Come on, boy, come here.
Did he just call me ''Boy''? Look who has a treat.
Look who has a treat.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Come here.
That's it.
Don't bite.
Don't bite.
This is humiliatin'.
Yeah, just as l thought.
No tags.
Look, son, you're gonna have to take your dog here and get him his rabies shot.
l'm not gonna contract rabies.
l'm an upstandin' citizen.
l'm in the Knights of Columbus, for Pete's sake.
Oh, he's showing me his teeth.
This court orders that the defendant be sent to aggressiveness training.
Where am l going to find a trainer? l'm a trainer.
Oh, and get him fixed while you're at it, will you? Where am l going to find a vet? Well, l'm not a vet, but l do have these pliers.
Wow, this is a first.
You doing your own laundry, son? What gives? Oh, nothing.
l--l just spilled a glass of water on my bed.
This is a sign that you may be getting your superpowers.
Another sign Look out! Most important thing, Birdman you have to teach them you're dominant.
First step, mark your territory.
Here.
Over here.
Here.
Oh, this is mine.
This car here.
Over here is mine, too.
And--Hold on, there's the bus.
Gotta get on.
And Here.
l think that about covers it.
Well, l was just wondering.
When your What's your term for it? Young ward? Right.
When your young ward came of age how did you deal with it? Oh, l sat him down, talked to him.
Yeah, right, l tried that.
Anything else? Well, l also took him to that exotic dance place.
Dance place? Yeah, you know.
The Legion of Dance.
Hey, can l have that back? Thank you.
Hey, can l have that back, please? Just tell me what you want me to do.
l'm the alpha male.
l'm the alpha male! What the hell?! Scrat mat.
Teaches you not to sit on the furniture.
But it's my recliner! l have the receipt for it right here! Look out! Peanut.
Oh, Peanut.
Oh, yeah.
Look at the blasters on that one.
l am the Blaster Man.
Peanut, l've found a fun way to teach you what's going on in your bod-- And he's spending all of his time shooting off his power bands to pictures of villains.
Disgusting.
Next time it happens, you take my shrink gun and you make it small again.
You know, l was thinking it would be more healthy if he had an experience with an actual villain-- someone we knew.
That way, we could make sure his first time is a gentle, nurturing, positive-- Back off! No way.
Call someone else.
Oh, come on, Reducto.
Who? l don't know, Birdman.
Find someone who likes this sort of thing.
Hello.
Who is this? Harvey.
Harvey Birdman.
Stop teasing, Zardo.
l know it's you.
No, no, really.
lt's me, Harvey.
Oh, yeah, right, sure.
lf this is Birdman, tell me where you were last Tuesday at 10:37 p.
m.
The Nail Shack? lt's you! lt's you! Wait.
How did you know where l was? Well, because l'm stalking you.
Jeez! Hold on.
l have to change phones.
lt's him, it's him, it's him, it's him lt's him, it's him, it's him - Go on.
- Hello? lt's perfect.
lt's like he's right here with me.
Hey, Zardo, look.
Birdman called me.
So, what have you been up to? Oh, the usual-- obsessing about you, plotting to kill you.
Right, right.
Look, l was wondering if you could do me a favor.
A favor? Oh, this is good.
This is good Peanut is--Well, he's ready to have relations with a villain and l was wondering if you would you know, agree to let Peanut blast you.
Wait, is that the little guy? The one that looks like you? - That's the one.
- Yeah, he's kind of cute.
But you sure we're not talking about you? No, no.
Well, OK.
But it will cost you, Birdman.
What did you have in mind? Oh, l don't know.
The crest on Birdman's helmet? Not my crest! lt gives me my powers! l think.
l guess you'll just have to ask somebody else.
OK, l'll do itfor Peanut.
l'll be right over to collect payment, Birdman.
ln advance.
Look out! l don't know, Mr.
Black Vulcan.
l'm just nervous about my first time.
Oh, you shouldn't be nervous, little man.
lt's a beautiful thing.
Butdoes it hurt? Well, that depends on who's giving and who's receiving.
You know, l was nervous about my first time.
You were? Oh, yeah.
l think everybody is.
Can you tell me what it was like? Well, l remember it was a warm night.
There we were, all alone.
Aquaman, where are you? We made some small talk.
You're not gonna get away with this.
We were both nervous.
l swear, somewhere l heard music start playing.
l felt something happening.
- ln your pants? - That's right.
ln my pants.
Well, anyway, nature just took its course.
lt was the most beautiful thing.
So, see? There's nothing to be worried about, my Peanut.
Well, l guess not, huh? Wow, thanks, Black Vulcan.
My pleasure.
Look out! Well, you can finally take your do--dad home.
There you go! Hardly had to use the cattle prod.
Woof.
Woof.
Now, the way to make him roll over is-- You, Birdman! Hand over your crest! Oh, l'm sorry.
ls this a bad time? No, no, it's fine.
You sure l couldn't pay you some other way? No, no, the crest is pretty much what l had in mind.
Well, OK.
Let me just No, Mr.
Birdman, don't! Not your crest! - Don't do it, man! - Sorry.
lt's for Peanut.
- Oh! - Well, well, well! What a looker! Hey, everybody, l'd like you to meet Metallo.
He's my new villain friend.
Well, nice to meet you, Metallo.
ls it OK if l still have the crest? Hurting me! Hurting me! Liking it.
Liking it.
Roll over.