High Maintenance (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 - IRA: Please just come to bed.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - I'm not finished.
- Please.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, - please, please, please - This is due tomorrow.
Wait.
What are you touching? Just make it It's too bright.
No, it's not bright.
I can hardly see what I'm reading.
No, it's not good for your brain at night.
My brain is shot.
It's shot.
- (KISSES) - Please, please.
So, why don't you just come to bed then? - No, I just wanna finish this - If it's shot - Please! - You have to listen to your body.
- Ira - (FACETIME RINGS) - Oh! - Oh God.
Hey, baby.
How are you? - Mom, are you done? - LAURIE: Yep, almost, honey.
I only found a couple little grammar things.
You did such a good job, honey.
Mom, I have to go to bed.
I have to get up at 8:00 a.
m.
I haven't slept all week.
LAURIE: You know, you say that every finals week.
Come on, chin up.
This is the homestretch.
MADDIE: I'm gonna die.
LAURIE: You're not gonna die.
You know what? I'm at the very, very end.
You can print it.
MADDIE: Thank you, Mommy.
LAURIE: Okay, I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
- I love you.
- MADDIE: Okay.
Good night.
- Love you too.
- LAURIE: Bye, little pony.
(KISSES) (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) (KISSES) I'm so over-caffeinated.
- I know what'll help you relax.
- I'm really wired.
- Do you wanna smoke? - Now? - Yeah, why not? - No, it's really late.
(LAUGHS) - No, it's not.
- Oh God, I don't - It's not that late.
- It's too late to smoke.
No, it's not.
Just a little.
- We can smoke.
- No, I have a huge day tomorrow.
- Oh God.
Please.
- (DRAWER OPENS) Oh man! - (SIGHS) - (INHALES) You're forcing me to do this.
(HOLDING BREATH): I'm not forcing you.
I don't think there's anything in there.
(EXHALES) I got a huge hit.
Yeah, well, you took the rest.
- I'm glad you're relaxed.
- (SCOFFS) - I'm gonna go to sleep.
- No, no, no.
- I think I have more.
- God, Ira, please don't.
- Aah.
- (GRUNTS) What is wrong with you? LAURIE: Oh man.
I'm gonna go to sleep.
I No, no, no, no, - just hang on one second.
- I cannot believe you.
I cannot believe you.
Honey, I know I have it.
Please don't find it.
Please don't find it.
(SIGHS) - What? - I wanna go to sleep, please.
(KISSING) Can I have a kiss? Maybe tomorrow.
(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS) (DOOR CLOSES) (FLESH SLAPPING) MAN (ON RADIO): New Jersey Transit reporting delays - (FACETIME RINGS) - on the West Essex line of about 40 minutes and delays on the 2, 3, 4, 5 IRA: She's probably still sleeping.
"L," "Q," and "R" trains.
And now apparently the mayor has some plans on the mutual education program for the city.
(FACETIME CONNECTS) LAURIE: Hey.
Hi, bunny.
Good morning.
Get up.
- Who's that? - That's Brian.
We, um, we got We sent you some groceries.
Yeah, I got the groceries.
LAURIE: There's a little green tea, and there are PowerBar Bites.
Come on, get out of bed.
Up.
Up.
It's 7:43.
Can you get up? - (MADDIE SIGHS) - Get up and print.
I can't print the paper.
I tried to print it last night and then it said it was offline, and then after I reinstalled it, it said that it was out of ink.
And I don't have anymore ink, so I can't print.
Can you take a look in your drawer? I sent I sent the cartridges.
Daddy's just reminding you that he sent the cartridges.
- MADDIE: I looked in my desk.
- I got a notice MADDIE: You think I didn't look in my desk for ink? I got a notice that it was received.
- Daddy said he got a notice - I'll look again, but it's not there.
IRA: I got a receipt that it came in.
LAURIE: Daddy said it definitely came in.
- (MADDIE SIGHS) - Good.
Go over to the yeah, go over to the desk.
MADDIE: Okay.
Yeah, it's right here.
Oh, good.
Okay, so you're good to go.
MADDIE: Wait.
Don't go.
I need to make sure that it's the right stuff.
- It I I I got the I got - Just let her just - Ira, let her just let her - Tell her I got the - She's just tense, stop it.
- MADDIE: Okay, it works IRA: I just Tell her I bought the right ones.
Oh good.
Okay, honey.
Do you want to say thank you to Daddy? - I don't - MADDIE: Hey, Dad.
Why not? - Daddy wants to say good morning.
- She said thank - Just tell her.
- Why won't what's Come on, man.
- (SIGHS) Hi, honey.
- MADDIE: Hi, Dad.
See you in a few weeks.
Are you coming to help me move out of my dorm? Can't can't what's-his-name help you with that? - MADDIE AND LAURIE: Brian.
- IRA: Brian? MADDIE: I can't ask him to do that.
- He has his own room to move out of.
- Well, he's in your room a lot.
- Just ask him.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
- No.
Dad.
- That's so rude.
- Why is it Why is it rude? Just ask him.
- (SIGHS) - If he says no, get back to me.
But it would be great if he can do it, um, just for everybody.
- Okay.
Bye, Mom.
- All right.
But you're in the homestretch, okay? - IRA: Just - Have have a great day.
finish strong.
- MADDIE: Okay.
- Okay.
LAURIE: Start the day, okay? You're doing great.
Bye.
I can't wait to see you.
(PHONES RINGING) I just Oh.
I cannot stand any of it.
I think we just keep rehashing the same thing over and over again.
It's like I hate I hate this whole thing.
I hate everything you've done.
(CELL PHONE RINGING, BUZZING) Oh.
(LAUGHS) - Hi, puppy! - Do you have a minute? What? Wait.
What is it? Oh, um, sorry, she's in her last week of finals, so - Hey, what's going on? - MADDIE: Oh my God.
- Mom.
- Hey, what is it? I think I have a fucking UTI.
Do you have to say "fucking" all the time? My God! That's just how I talk! I think I have a fucking UTI.
Maybe it's a yeast infection.
Does your vagina smell like you just passed by Subway? - What? - Do you detect the odor - of fresh-baked bread? - No.
Well, look, do you do you urinate after you have sex? Please.
You don't have to remind me.
- What should I do? - I'm gonna call the doctor.
- (SIGHS) - Look, on a scale of one to 10, the pain sounds like it's a what? - It's a 10? Is it a 10? - Ten! Well, then I'm calling him.
I'll get back to you.
Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
Can we make an appointment with Maddie's gynecologist? Because I really think she might have a yeast infection.
Hey, little acorn, it's me.
I want to know how you're doing and you haven't called back.
So please call me as soon as you get out of the doctor's okay? I'm gonna wait for your call.
I'm sitting right here eating.
- Bell.
Woo! - (BIKE BELL DINGS) All right.
Thanks for the sexy wheels, man.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (CAR HONKS) I'll get up, and get down, down, down And take it easy I'll get up, and get down, down, down (CAR HONKS) (CELL PHONE CHIRPS) I don't remember what I got last time, but it was it was very - it was good.
- Yeah.
So I'm looking for something that's like a Corona, you know what I mean? Like a Saturday, you're having a Corona.
Like nothing that's gonna take anybody up there, but not gonna make them sleepy, like just, "Mmm.
" - You know what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.
Maybe you're looking for a hybrid? - Maybe.
Yeah.
- You know, Sour D is just great.
- Yeah? - I love Sour "D.
" What about something for the bedroom? It's not for me but for her.
She needs a little something to - relax.
- Okay.
You know, not just relax and get sleepy - I got it.
Yeah, I got it.
- but relax and wake it up.
- Green Crack is an aphrodisiac.
- Okay.
That sounds really good.
Have you used this? - (DOOR OPENS) - I smoke it.
I like it.
And results or ? I mean, it doesn't make me like - get a boner.
- Yeah, but does it - LAURIE: Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh, hi.
- LAURIE: How you doing? - Good.
IRA: Everything okay? I'm kind of worried about Madeline.
IRA: What? What's the matter? What happened? - She has so much going on - (CELL PHONE CHIRPS) - What? - physically.
- What do you mean, "What?" - I'm asking I said you said, "So much going on.
" - What's going? - All of her physical stuff, - and she ghosted me.
- What? LAURIE: She ghosted me.
- What is that? - Ghosting is when you're texting with somebody and then they just stop texting you very suddenly.
Okay, well, I'm sure she's fine.
I think well, we think that she has a UTI.
- IRA: Okay.
- You know, I sent her to the health center this morning.
- She hasn't written back.
- Okay, well, when she gets back, I'm sure she'll reach out.
I'm kinda freaked out about Brian.
- Why? - Brian is uncircumcised.
That's 50 also.
- She told you that? - LAURIE: Yeah.
Just in a regular conversation? That's what people talk about.
- I had the same problem.
- IRA: Thank you.
You have to remember to pee.
You have to get up and pee.
- Right.
- All right.
Well, I gotta get up.
- All right.
- And I'll see you later.
- Enjoy the Green Crack.
- LAURIE: Yeah.
- Where are you going? - I'm just walking him to the door.
- I really appreciate it.
- THE GUY: Yeah.
See you, man.
IRA: Yup.
I'll let you know how it goes.
THE GUY (CHUCKLES): Don't.
Alexa, turn on something romantic.
ALEXA: Here's something romantic.
(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) - There she goes.
- There she goes.
I got you I'm not like so into this.
Yeah, but you promised.
It's an aphrodisiac.
I got you - I didn't know that.
- Try it.
Go ahead.
Inhale.
- (WHISTLES) - Yes.
- (FACETIME RINGS) - Oh God, put that away please.
- I just no, no, I have to get it.
- IRA: No, no, no.
LAURIE: Can you please put that away? Please, please.
Hi! I was calling you all afternoon.
Where were you? - I've been busy.
- What did the doctor say? MADDIE: He just said that it was a false alarm, but he still wants me to change my body soap in case it's causing vaginal irritation.
Okay, that's good.
That's great.
Wanna wanna say hi to Daddy? - Hi, Dad.
- What are you gonna do tonight? MADDIE: I've had such a rough day.
I think I'm just gonna go to Brian's 'cause he's having some people over and we're all gonna get fucked up.
IRA: Maddie.
- MADDIE: Yeah? - Your mom and I are in the middle of something.
- Can we talk to you tomorrow? - What are you doing? I'm trying to convince your mother to have sex with me.
- Dad! - LAURIE: What is wrong with you? It's been a really, really long time.
- Dad! - LAURIE: That's completely not true.
- MADDIE: TMI! - I've gotta go, honey.
I'll talk to you later.
How can that not be true? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? - So inappropriate.
- Oh God.
(CLATTERS) I got you I got you (FACETIME RINGS) - (FACETIME CONNECTS) - Hi.
Mom? (ECHOING) It's me.
I'm, um I'm having a really hard time.
Yeah? Why? I have a problem.
With what? My penis is really lonely.
It's lonely? It's like it's out in space.
I don't know what to do.
It's just uh.
Aw, that's so sad.
It's so painful.
I don't know if I can keep going.
I don't know.
I just envisioned (LAUGHS) this this penis just floating.
It was so sad.
Well, I'm looking for a nurse that can help, and that specializes in these kinds of things.
Do you know You look like a nurse that could really help.
- You look like a beautiful nurse.
- At this moment? - Yeah, you look like a really cute - Oh, wow.
nurse that's getting stoned, and she doesn't know what's happening.
- Oh God.
- And she's smoking this aphrodisiac, and she's lost control.
Yeah? Why don't you get in the hospital bed? I got you - Really? - LAURIE: Yeah.
- What's the pain on a scale of one to 10? - (LIGHTER FLICKS) (BURBLING) Don't force it, man.
I lost it.
It's gone.
It's okay, man.
You'll get it back.
- I had it.
Ugh! - (BELCHES) Wait.
What were we even talking about? You were describing an island taken over by AIDS monkeys.
Yes.
Dude.
Okay.
So there's some fucking wacky shit that's going on with this place, okay? And, um, it's the monkeys, right? The monkeys are, uh Fuck, man.
Shit.
- They just have AIDS? - What is going on? Why is this happening to me? Shit.
- All right.
- Oh, wait.
Yo, you ever play that computer game, the old PC game, - "Secret of Monkey Island"? - No.
I used to play these computer games in school, 'cause I was one of the smart kids, and they were like, "You're reading too quick.
Do this, so we could focus on the stupider students.
" - Oh.
- Yeah.
Is that what you wanted to tell me? - When? - You said you had something that you forgot.
Was it "The Secret of Monkey Island"? No.
No, that's not it, but that fucking oh! We were talking about AIDS island - and the AIDS monkeys.
- We were talking about AIDS.
I don't know if we're gonna figure this out today, man, so why don't you just write it down, and then we'll talk about it next time I come, - when you remember.
- For sure.
Hah! - See you later, man.
- Yeah, see you later.
- (SNAPS FINGERS) - Oh! Dude, wait.
- THE GUY: You lost it.
- It's gone.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
I I didn't even honestly have it that time.
- All right.
- I thought if, like, tried to surprise myself Oh! It was a roach.
- No.
- I missed it but - Did you bring it in here? - No.
(MAN GRUNTS) Young man.
Sorry, could you lend me a hand? Uh, yeah, sure.
What do you need? Uh I have so many and I'm I'm so blind.
- Oh, okay.
- Umm i if y you know, and I'm really embarrassed.
- Don't be embarrassed.
- I can do it myself, but (CHATTERING ON TV) - Could you just - Yeah.
Yeah, I got you, man.
Could you just get me in? Oh my God, you have so many keys.
Do you know which one it is? No, I don't.
You gotta try 'em all.
And I go through this every time.
Each one I have to try before I find the right one.
- Oh.
- That's why it's so frustrating.
- I bet.
- I've only been here now three months.
My God, I've lost three keys, and they're getting angry at me, and - (SIGHS) - Well, I'm not angry.
- (LOCK CLICKS) - All right, there you go.
- Oh.
And the bottom one also.
- And the bottom one, too.
Yeah.
The bottom one you have to open.
All right.
Normally I'd get Rob to help me.
The super? Rob? - Okay.
- But I don't know his schedule.
Sometimes he's here, sometimes he's not.
It's impossible to know.
He's a very nice guy, and he's always terrific to help me.
- (CLICKS) - Ah! - (LAUGHS) - There you go.
How fast! You're better than Rob.
I mean, come on.
Bravo! - Well, let's not shit-talk Rob.
- Bravo! - All right.
I got your keys - He's an Albanian.
I got your keys, man.
He doesn't seem like a Muslim.
Maybe it's not the right thing to say these days.
He's always nice.
He has a girlfriend.
She lives with him.
So sweet.
You know what? I'm gonna put these keys right here so you don't lose them.
How about that? Okay, yeah.
I I know you gotta go.
- All right.
So I'm gonna just - Listen, since you're here, can you look and check the pipes under the sink? What they're doing is they're changing the pipes under the sink in the kitchen.
I I really don't know anything about plumbing.
If you would just take a look.
- Okay.
- Come on, do it, take a look, because I can't see.
I just want you to see - if they did their job.
- I got you, man.
Let's go.
Let's check it out.
- And, you know, tell me if - (WHISPERS) Oh man.
If you could look under the sink and check the pipes to see if they did the work.
Okay.
Um, you know, I'm really not a plumber.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- (LAUGHS) Don't worry about it.
All I want you to do is see if they changed the pipe and everything right, because I can't see, and I don't know what they did.
Yeah, I gotcha.
Umm Yeah, just see if it's dripping.
Uh Yeah, it looks like there has been some work done.
I don't know if it's the work that you're talking about.
How about I do this let me turn on the sink, you tell me what happens.
- (WATER RUNNING) - Okay.
All right.
ART: Okay? Okay, anything happening? No.
I don't see anything.
- Nothing's happening? - Nope, not a thing.
Okay.
Marvelous.
Terrific.
- (WATER SPRAYS) - Oh jeez, I do it every time.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I apologize.
I just You want some Sanka? Uh, no, I'm okay.
I actually really should think about getting going.
- (CLICKS) - (CLEARS THROAT) Oh shit.
You shouldn't put these these papers here, man.
- It's pretty dangerous.
- Well, - just throw 'em anyplace you want.
- (STOVE TURNS OFF) Floor.
It's okay.
I'll clean it up later.
Uh, all right, man.
Well, listen, I'm gonna get going, but if you don't need anything else, I can just Um, a check.
A check? No, you don't have to pay me.
I want to make sure that they got the check.
- Who got the check? - Well, the guys who fixed the pipe needed a check.
Don't you think we need to ask them if they got the check? - I guess I don't understand.
- No.
No.
I asked them to write it down in the back.
- In the back of what? - Well, help me find my checkbook.
- It's someplace here.
- All right.
ART: I gotta clean this up some day.
I asked them to write it down in the back.
And that was when I assume that they There is a checkbook here.
Is this it? Yeah, that's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, I - But didn't you write them a check? - Did they get the check? - Don't they have the check? - No, they wrote the check and and I asked them to write it in the back.
So they wrote themselves a check.
- Yeah.
- They wrote it in the back.
Okay.
"A and K Plumbing, $350.
" Right there.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
That's it.
- Yeah.
- Just because they wrote "350" right here, doesn't mean the check was written for 350.
It could be more.
Oh no, they were very nice guys.
It's fine.
- Okay.
- Listen, how about some lunch? I gotta get going.
It's it's I gotta go.
Well, if you gotta go, all right, you must.
Hold on.
I'm just gonna do this real quick.
ART: You know, it, uh Fuck.
That's a lot of ice cream.
I'm just gonna put this away, - and then - Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
You're a wonderful guy.
- You're a very nice guy.
- Hey, I just do what I can.
Even when you were small.
(CHATTERING ON TV) - Okay.
- Even when you were small, you were a nice guy.
What can I say? Like your mother.
- (SIGHS) - She always said you were her favorite.
I shouldn't say that out loud, but it's true.
She said that all the time.
Don't tell Sofia.
(SIGHS) Well, Sofia's kind of a pain in the ass, so how could she be the favorite, right? (LAUGHS) You're such a rascal.
- Funny guy.
- Yeah, man.
My funny guy! Oh, that face.
Don't cover up that handsome face.
Please.
- Okay.
- All right? - All right.
I'll see you later, man.
- All right.
Bye-bye.
- (DOOR OPENS) - I'm so proud of you, son.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
- I'll see you.
- Take it easy, man.
(DOOR CLOSES) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I'm gonna take it easy, yeah I'm gonna leave on the next plane home I'm gonna lay down my worries Ain't gonna hurry Kiss all the rest goodbye I'll get up And get down, down, down And take it easy I'll get up And get down, down, down Where the skies and the waves keep a-rolling And the birds are singing everyday, yes I can listen to the willows calling Calling to the secrets that they have to say Hear them say, I'll get up And get down, down, down And take it easy I'll get up And get down, down, down There's not a sound to be heard Except the waves on the shore The people there are friendly No need to lock your door I heard the luring call That the wind and waves have sung But duty changed my Gypsy heart When my old dreams were young