Hot In Cleveland s02e08 Episode Script

Hot in cleveland is recorded In front of a live studio audience.
Hey, ladies.
Who had the beer, and who had the shot of Jagermeister? Me and me.
What can I do for you? Well, that sports game has been on an awfully long time.
Could you change the channel? It's kind of a big game.
But Oprah and Gayle are camping again.
Pretty please? Well, how can I say no to you? That never would have worked in L.
A.
- Hey - Whoa It didn't completely work here.
Oh, guys, sorry.
It's okay.
I love this town.
Now make them get us some ice cream from next door.
Well, I'm not wearing the right bra, but I'll try.
Scusi, signora.
You're wearing my house.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you.
Here.
Just put it back in the kitchen.
That's the dining room! The kitchen.
There's a customary remodeling fee.
Oh, sure.
Bloody hell, I can't find my wallet! I must have left it at the I.
N.
S.
office when I was filling out those stupid forms.
My whole life is in tatters.
Oh, sorry.
Actually, I do all right for myself.
Oh, please please stop.
You're really very good, but I've had a rough day.
Oh you look almost ready to cry.
Let the tears fall.
Well, it has been a rough few months.
You see, I need a green card.
And I had a potential fake marriage that fell apart.
Then I had a potential real marriage that fell apart.
And now I'm gonna be deported in two weeks, unless I can find an American citizen to marry me.
- I - I'm an American citizen.
First of all, Victoria, thanks for auditioning.
I am a huge Honor St.
Raven fan.
So for an actress of your caliber to even consider a local news program is Extraordinary.
I know.
You know, I'll admit that at first, even I had reservations.
But then I thought, I'm not lowering myself.
I am raising the drab little lives of clevelanders.
We watched your tape.
You're welcome.
There's just one little thing.
Uh, we find you, uh Too chic? Charismatic? Fabulous? Unlikable.
Unlikable? Me? In what way? We found you vain, self-centered, and completely uninterested in the person you were talking to.
All right, now you're just babbling.
I'm gonna level with you.
I am broke, so I really need this job.
Now, why don't you tell me exactly what it is you're looking for.
We call it the three P's.
Perky, playful, and puns.
That's the kind of thing that plays in middle America, where likeable people like likeability.
You wouldn't know likeability if it sat in your lap and blew in your ear.
Would you like that? There you are.
We were starting to get worried that something terrible happened to you.
I'm engaged to a homeless man.
Oh, Joy! Haven't the homeless suffered enough? You're engaged to a random homeless man? He's not random.
He's opera guy.
The guy that stands outside and sings? Yes.
This means I get to stay in the country.
Be happy for me.
I'm happy for you.
Sad for the country.
Sweetie, isn't this a little extreme? Look, I know this is crazy, but I only have two weeks to get a green card.
Well, you know how much I want you to stay here, so I'll do whatever I can to help.
That's good, because he'll be living with us for the next two weeks.
What? Why? Well, I can't just put his address down on the I.
N.
S.
forms as "behind the Quiznos.
" Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan And a fiance's name to learn.
Shouldn't we do something about this? Oh, he'll soon come to his senses.
Oh, wow That is a good-lookin' man.
Oh, that's Jason Disbrow shooting coach for the cavaliers.
Yummy.
Well, go talk to him.
Use your powers.
Oh, I don't know if my powers are strong enough to penetrate that kind of handsome.
What should I say? Uh, how 'bout, uh, "J.
J.
Hickson better square up to the basket "if he ever wants to hit a jumper.
" I can't say that.
I don't even know what it means.
Excuse me, would you mind if I put the game back on? Thanks.
J.
J.
Hickson better square up to the basket if he ever wants to hit a jumper.
Wow, I just said that to him this morning at practice.
Can I buy you a drink? Don't waste your money.
She's good to go.
And this is the pick and roll.
What you guys doing? Oh, Elka's teaching me the finer points of basketball so I don't blow it on my date with Jason.
Well, that's silly.
Just be yourself.
He'll adore you.
Thanks, but he already thinks I'm a basketball savant.
The only thing standing in the way of me and free tickets is her ignorance of the game.
Couldn't I just, you know, sleep with him? I don't want the cheap seats.
I want courtside.
All right, I have a question.
The guy who left to play for Miami, is his name pronounced "le-bron" or "le-braun"? In this house, it's pronounced traitor! Hey, where have you been all day? Oh, let's not make this about me.
I'm more interested in you and you and you.
What's wrong with you? There is nothing wrong with me.
I'm just interested in my friends, like any likeable person.
Okay.
Well, I have a date with a coach - from the Cleveland Cavaliers.
- Ah.
And I'm engaged to a homeless man.
He's moving in today.
What a heartwarming surprise.
Look, I know what an incredible imposition this is, but he's actually a pretty good guy.
No different from any of us.
Honey, I'm home! Hi fiance.
Now, please, introduce me to your sister-wives.
Well, this is Melanie and Elka.
And I'm Victoria.
- Delighted to meet you.
- Charmed.
Oh, such a beautiful home! I love all the little touches.
Like the crown molding and oh! Windows with glass instead of trash bags! We've set up a cot for you in the garage.
Oh, a cot! I won't hear of it.
You bitch! No, I mean you must stay in our guest room.
- I'll show you the way.
- Thank you.
I'm so grateful to be in your home.
You must wake up every day feeling blessed.
Don't touch my stuff! Oh, what a charming fellow.
Humans are so interesting.
Okay, why are you being so weird? I'm just being my normal, upbeat, likeable self.
Oh, God, my career is over! What's wrong? What are you talking about? Well, I was embarrassed to tell you guys, but I auditioned for a job at a local TV News station.
I didn't get it.
They found me "unlikable.
" - That's ridiculous.
- You're wonderful.
I like you better than Joy.
They wanted me to do human interest stories, but you know that I have no interest in humans.
Except for you guys.
Oh, God, I need this job.
So you're a great actress.
Go on.
Pretend to be interested.
Pretend! Oh, you're right.
You're right.
I've been going about this all wrong.
No, I just need to think of this as another role I'm playing.
You know, it's kind of like when they ask me to host those charity functions.
I just need to pretend to care.
And for the homeless man known as "opera guy," this far-from-fat lady has sung a song of love.
Well, for "Oh Hi, Ohio", this is Vicki Chase saying that's amore! And for s'amore on the weather, here's Glenn to tell us if spring is in the Aria.
Wow.
Now that is a home run.
Or perhaps you should say a homeless run.
No, you did not say that! So? Welcome to northeast Ohio's number three television station.
It's so great to be with a woman who knows so much about basketball.
So who do you think we should start at power forward against Detroit? Huh? Say, "I'd go with Antawn Jamison.
" I'd go with Antawn Jamison.
You know, he's old, but he has a lot of gas left in his tank.
You know, LeBron used to say the same thing.
- Oh, were you guys close? - Super close.
Had all my hopes and dreams invested in him.
And just like the rest of the city, it still hurts.
Well, at least he'll come back and play a couple times a year.
That should be fun, right? And I thought you were the dumb one.
Ladies the shower! Like the piss of angels! Wow, you clean up really well.
This might actually work.
Have you seen my plastic owl Vibrato? He protects me from squirrels.
Although it has less of a chance with statements like that.
Defense wins championships.
I got a buddy that talks to himself too.
No, she's on Bluetooth.
What's that like, meth? Look, here are some answers to questions the I.
N.
S.
Might ask us.
Please try to memorize them.
"Joy sleeps on the right side of the bed.
"I sleep on the left.
" Ah "Unless england's in the world cup, "then nobody sleeps, small chuckle.
" No, you don't say "small chuckle.
" You chuckle small-y.
Face it lebron is le-gone! Face it, LeBron is le-outta here.
Oh, she's gone rogue.
You're right, I gotta let him go.
Right.
Would you like to go to dinner? - You got a favorite place? - Oh, my gosh, dozens.
Cleveland has so many great restaurants.
That's another thing I love about this city.
Great.
I would hate to think that Cleveland was just some stepping stone for you to a larger market, like Chicago, New York Miami.
No, no, I'm staying.
That's what lebron used to say.
Hey, listen, you gotta stop beating yourself up.
I mean, it's not like you told LeBron to go.
Uh, actually, I did.
You see, I was trying this reverse-psychology thing, and He's to blame! I'm gonna kill that mother -Oh, hi!, Ohio.
It's Vicki Chase live from the shores of lake Erie.
Not everyone finds our Cleveland winter weather hard to take.
In fact, this group of speedo-clad warriors finds it downright polar bear-able.
In a few minutes, these intrepid heroes are going to take their annual plunge into the icy depths.
And let me tell you, folks, this water is [Bleep.]
freezing! I'm sorry, but you guys are crazy! Am I wrong? Tell you what, I am, like, five minutes away from cutting open one of these guys and crawling in.
Oh, dear.
That was a bigger disaster than when she ad libbed her way through the Vagina Monologues.
Hello.
I'm Patricia Wellons with the I.
N.
S.
I'm here for a surprise review.
But we're not supposed to meet you till next week.
That's why it's called a surprise.
- It's just so tough.
- Mm.
There's reminders of LeBron everywhere.
I still can't take the number 23 bus.
It's kind of funny.
It's almost like I'm going out with someone with a very famous ex, and I'm just the rebound.
I'm sorry.
Look, maybe this is just a time in your life where you have to forget the past and just power forward.
Maybe I should just go home.
- I keep saying the wrong thing.
- No, don't go.
I want to show you that I can be normal.
Okay, but could you maybe turn up the thermostat? It's a little chilly in here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I like the cold.
I like the heat.
Right, right Miami Heat.
You know what, I think maybe we should do this another time.
Okay? Can I give you a ring? Right.
No ring.
No rings ever.
As I was saying, we like to meet with each of you individually to make sure that your stories are consistent.
So how did you and Joy get together? Well, when we met, I was at a crosswalk Crossroads! Crossroads! And this beautiful woman blew into my life like a tornado.
She literally ripped the roof off of my house.
Don't ad lib, just repeat what I say! Don't ad lib, just repeat what I say! I'm sorry.
Excuse me? By that I mean she changed my life, and made me feel like a mannequin.
Man again! That makes more sense.
Small chuckle.
I'm lucky to have met her.
Oh, she's lucky too.
My husband's a bum.
Oh, really? What's his name? What was that? Nothing.
Probably a squirrel.
A squirrel? Oh, no.
Where's Vibrato? Oh, good lord! It's just a squirrel! The squirrels are coming! The war's started! Where's vibrato? Just get back out there.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
I have a date with destiny.
What are you laughing at? I find it sexy.
So you picked a homeless man to get your green card? Was that bad? Should I not have done that? I'm new to your country.
Your fiance is trying to get a squirrel to sign a peace treaty.
I have a long ride.
Do you mind it I use your bathroom? Down the hall to the left.
Why does this keep happening? I don't know.
It seemed like such an airtight plan.
Well, I assume you all witnessed my career suicide.
They fired me.
Oh, honey, it's just one job.
You've had dry spells before.
The right part will come along.
Well, what if it doesn't? I mean, what if it's over? If I'm not in front of a camera, then who am I? I just don't know if the un-televised life is worth living.
Sorry, Elka, no courtside tickets.
You slept with him.
No.
But why is everyone in this town so obsessed with their teams? My segment was a hit! The station said they've been flooded with calls.
Apparently I say what other people are thinking.
And luckily for me, what other people are thinking is completely unlikable.
Oh, we have company.
Hello, Victoria Chase, from "Oh hi, Ohio".
Check local listings.
This is Patricia Wellons, from the I.
N.
S.
Oh, hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
- I'm being deported.
- What? But Joy and her fiance are so in love.
I know he's a homeless man.
But that's what makes it so so heartwarming.
Thanks for trying, but it's over.
No, I'm not gonna let this be over.
No, me either.
I mean, I'll marry her myself, if that's what it takes.
I can't stand her, but I still want her to stay.
She gets me.
Listen, Joy may not be married, but she has deep ties to this country us.
You know, and in a lot of ways, our friendship is stronger than any marriage.
I mean, we've been together longer than all four of my marriages combined.
- It's five.
- Five.
Shoot, I always forget Ernie Hudson.
We're a family.
If you deport Joy, you'll break us up.
- You all live here together? - Mm-hmm.
We certainly do.
We're like sisters.
You know, my girlfriends and I often joke about living together and having our husbands come visit.
But you ladies are doing it.
I admire that.
So you'll get me a green card? - No.
- Oh, can't you just let her Okay, what I will do is give you an extension so that you have more time to file an appeal to stay here legally.
Oh, thank you.
You know, you ladies really have something special here.
Oh, Joy.
I've had some time to think, and I can't go through with this sham marriage.
When I get married, I want it to be for real.
For love.
Hush, Vibrato! I told her! It's funny because she can't even hang on to a homeless man!