Human Resources (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

1
So, anyone got any fun plans tonight?
Oh, I was gonna take a Klonopin
and go to bed at 5:00 p.m.
Same, but 3:00 p.m.
And I plan to examine my nude body
in the mirror until I cry myself to sleep.
Ah, so, no. No fun plans.
- Hey!
- A-ahem!
Attention, everyone!
Party at my house tonight.
It's BYOB. Bring Your Own Bussy.
I'm gonna bring extra bussy
because someone always forgets.
Oh-oh-oh! I have the perfect playlist.
It's all Morrissey,
but not his music, no, no.
It's just him complaining
about immigration.
Oh, sorry. Everyone's invited except
you downers at this sad table right here.
What? Why not?
Nobody wants to be anxious, depressed,
or ashamed at a party, darling.
They wanna drink and fuck
and not hang out
with you wimpy piss stains.
- Party! Party!
- Wow. Tight exit.
Oh God, it's like secondary school
all over again.
It's not fair. Why don't we ever
get invited to their cool parties?
I know. We got all the good drugs.
It's because we're not cool.
We're losers. We suck eggs.
Oh, come on, Lionel.
I don't think you suck eggs.
You, uh You don't?
No, I think you're very cool
in your own way.
- You think I'm cool?
- In your own way.
Right, yes. I'm fu
I'm fucking cool, daddy-o.
In fact, you know what?
I should throw my own party.
Yes hoes?
You hoes will attend, right?
- Well
- Uh
- I, uh
- I'll check my schedule.
Hey, man. Sorry about the party,
but can you hold this for me real quick?
Oh, yeah, sure
Ha! I bought an extra lunch
just to slap this one in your face.
Now you smell like lunch.
God. Why do you guys
have to be such assholes?
You heard Mona. We're cool,
and well, he's a fucking freak.
The weak and the weird need to be pruned.
Well, for your information,
the weak and the weird
are throwing their own party tonight
and you're not invited.
- Oh, no! Did you hear that, Connie?
- Well, shoot.
Lionel, I'm so upset.
Could you please hold my other tray?
Oh
All right. Let's go buy some more lunches.
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
As you know, our client, Sal,
has wanted a truck for some time now.
What are we gonna do?
Don't look at me, monkey-man.
I'm a Need Demon,
not a "Really-Really-Want" Demon.
Well, sweet Sal
loves that truck desperately.
And I don't normally do this,
but I think it's time
we bring in the big guns.
Okay, so what's the fucking problem?
Your client wants a truck?
Get him a fucking truck.
If only it were that easy.
Why? This guy Sal
got bad credit or something?
Well, no.
- Uh, Sal is four years old.
- What?
And the truck in question is
A fucking toy?
That's right. It's a Tonka.
I worked with human quagmire
Robert McNamara
for seven years during the Vietnam War,
and you brought me in
for a fucking toy truck?
Who's Robert McNamara?
I don't have a clue, but it sounds like
he's some sort of human quagmire.
Just ask the kid's parents for the truck.
Case closed.
Flanny, allow me.
Oh, yes, Mr. DNApe. Here you are.
Sal has an extremely rare genetic variant
called KCNB1.
Enhance. You see, humans
are made up of billions of cells.
Enhance. And in each of these cells
are chromosomes.
Enhance.
Say "enhance" one more fucking time,
and I'm gonna shove a banana
so far up your ass,
you're gonna think you're a banana split.
Right, well, uh, zoom in a little bit.
One tiny little change
in one of Sal's genes
has made Sal neurodiverse,
causing him to be,
among other things, nonspeaking.
So we can't just ask for the truck,
and we've tried everything else.
- We've thrown tantrums.
- Shitty idea.
- Hugged Sal's moms for hours on end.
- Even shittier.
We even tried extortion.
But no one in the house noticed
when the Nespresso pods went missing.
That idea is so shitty,
I need toilet paper to wipe my ears.
Please, Petra, we're at our wits' end.
You have to help us.
- Ambition is all we've got left.
- Okay. Jesus. Just stop!
I'll do the truck job,
but I'm doing it my way. Alone.
Uh, bu-bu-but you can't handle
a case like Sal's by yourself.
In the immortal words
of another ambitious gremlin I know,
"Don't believe me? Just watch."
Was she talking about Robert McNamara?
No, I believe she was referring
to Bruno Mars.
Fuckin' dipshits.
Oh my God. My mom sent me
another goddamn Facebook post.
Seriously? More inspiration porn
from mommy dearest?
"The only disability
is a bad attitude."
- Ugh, barf.
- Goddamn ableist bullshit.
You know,
I'm never gonna be enough for her.
After 30 years trying to "fix you"
with all those damn doctors and therapies,
your mom still doesn't get it.
Ugh, I gotta take this.
It's Traci and Olivia.
Oh, that cute motherfucker's parents?
- Alice, we have some great news.
- Did you win the appeal?
Yes! Wow. Wait, how did you know?
Did Dev tell you already?
Yeah, we've been, uh, emailing.
Did someone mention Dev?
That hunk lawyer with the long eyelashes
and ass for days?
- Connie, what the fuck are you wearing?
- I'm a sex genie.
I pop out when someone rubs
their magic damp.
- Alice!
- What? Dev's hot.
She can hate and be horny
at the same time.
Look at Pol Pot.
He was horny for genocide.
We're just so excited that Sal
and the other disabled students
get to stay with their class.
It's huge.
- That's amazing news.
- Oh, come on! It's the bare minimum.
And we wanted to invite you
over to dinner to celebrate.
Are these people gonna have a party
every time one little good thing happens?
- It's nice to celebrate.
- Ugh!
The world is nonstop diarrhea,
and they're celebrating a fart.
I celebrate every fart.
They make my genie pants go floof.
Dev is coming tonight too,
but maybe you already knew that
since you two are pen pals, hmm?
More like penis pals.
- Yeah. Maybe I should go.
- Yeah, it'll be fun.
Oh, yeah, Connie? Like the last time
she went on a date. Was that fun?
- That does it, Rochelle.
- Get back!
It doesn't have to be a date
to catch some dick.
Connie!
There. Lady, you're going.
Okay, okay. I am in.
- Text me the address.
- Don't go, Alice!
Hey. You be good in there
or I'm gonna turn you into some boots.
I'm not afraid to skin a bitch.
Jesus, look at that thing.
That Tonka's got a badonka. Yeah!
I totally get it now.
That is one fuckable truck.
But, hey, kid, what about all of these?
You're right, you're right. Settling's
for the Southern District of New York.
Eye on the prize. All right,
just spitballing here, but first idea.
Let's just take the thing.
No, Sal. It's my truck.
Oh, don't be a dick.
He just wants to vroom it
a couple of times.
You're gonna take that, Sal?
Curb stomp this kid.
Take a shit in his Huggies.
Sal pushed me.
That was self-defense.
Hey, hey, hey, hey now.
Are Are you okay, Jacob?
Sal took my truck
and then he hit me.
Oh, please. Don't be such a Karen, Jacob.
He barely touched you.
Sal, we do not hit.
All right, all right, this might be
a little harder than I thought,
but, hey, if I can keep America
in a pointless war for ten years,
I can get you a fuckin' toy.
Hey, I'd love a tour after I ejaculate,
if that's all right?
Appetizers! Hors d'oeuvres, yes!
Crudités! Yes.
Okay, everyone, keys in this bowl
if you need a designated driver.
Keys in this bowl
if you wanna swap sex partners, okay?
I, of course, had my keys copied
because I would like both.
Oh, and there's a punch bowl of K-Y
by the pool.
Please don't forget to lubricate properly.
Wow, Mona, I had no idea
you lived in the lap of luxury.
Oh, are you not rich, Emmy?
Well, I'm currently living
under the kitchen sink at the office
because crabs took over my apartment.
Oh, that's quite sad.
Whoa, is that lube for free?
Of course, sweetie. I'm rich.
Now, people, get slippery
and enjoy yourself
because tonight, we
- Fuck!
- What's wrong?
Tito just canceled,
and Kitty texted she was never planning
on coming in the first place.
W-Why did Tito cancel?
Well, apparently, she doesn't like
driving at night.
- Doesn't she have wings?
- Oh, Montel, who was I kidding?
I really am a freako weirdo loser.
Quit your bellyaching.
There's someone now.
- Hello! Please don't leave.
- Hi, Lionel.
I didn't see any cars out front.
Is no one coming?
Oh, Schmitty from Pity, I feel so shitty.
My party is a total bust.
Oh, you poor guy. My heart breaks for you.
You really put it all out there,
and nobody wanted it.
Jesus, Schmitty. Your pity is not helping.
No, no, Schmitty's right.
It seems the harder I try,
the less everybody likes me.
Yeah, that's the thing
about being a loser.
There's only one thing to do.
Drown your sorrows.
Da na na na na na na ♪
Tequila.
Oh, put it away!
It's just booze, Lionel.
No, no! In my culture,
tequila is the Forbidden Elixir.
It makes you do such shameful things.
Honey, what have you got to lose?
It's not like people
can like you any less.
Ooh!
I guess you're right.
Da na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na ♪
- Tequila!
- Tequila.
Oh!
It really hits you fast
when you only weigh 38 kilos.
Oh my God, babe.
Sal hit a kid at school today.
- Really?
- Goddamn heart of a tiger, this one.
We literally just fought
to keep him at that school,
and now he's fighting kids there?
Not fighting, exactly.
He just He hit Jacob.
Oh, Jacob? Yeah, nobody likes Jacob.
But, still, Sal, you shouldn't
be hitting people for no reason.
But there was a reason. A really good one.
Tell 'em, Sal. What words you got?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay, "want."
Uh-huh, "want."
Okay, what do you want, buddy?
Are you hungry?
There's popcorn with nutritional yeast
and furikake on the stove.
The fuck did popcorn ever do to you?
Sal, what's going on?
Lady, can't you see he doesn't want
a yeast infection
from your bukkake snacks?
He wants you to take a goddamn second
and listen to him.
Okay, okay, okay.
I can see you're having
a lot of feelings right now.
Just one, bitch.
Sal! Okay, buddy.
You definitely need a nap
before your therapies.
This is total bullshit.
It is not your fault
that they don't wanna learn Salanese.
Ugh, kid, you're killing me
with this sad Sundance bullshit.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
You can't give up on me.
We may be down, but we're not out.
You gotta have a little hope.
Aw, shit. Goddammit!
All right, listen. I might know someone
who could maybe help us.
But if I do this for you,
and I'm not saying that I will,
you're gonna have to let me
play with the truck.
What? It's a cool fucking truck.
Hey, everyone. Join the cum-ga line.
Da da da da da da! ♪
Just remember to lube properly.
So who lives in your pool house?
Oh, my very sick grandmother.
Is she looking for a roommate?
Uh, if you don't mind living
with a sex offender,
it's all yours, darling.
I mean, it beats living under a sink.
I-Is something burning?
- Da da da da da da! ♪
- Oh, shit. What the hell?
Don't tell anyone,
but I spiked the lube, dude.
But Rick, alcohol is flammable.
Everyone, stop humping! Stop humping!
Rick spiked the lube!
Oh, yeah, right, Maury. Such a kidder.
Oh, no! Oh, no, he's right!
He's not a kidder!
Oh, this is burning in a bad way.
Quick, quick! Jump Jump in the pool!
Uh-oh, I spiked the pool too, baby.
Look! The roof! The roof is ablaze.
Well, at least the pool house
is still standing.
Oh, no.
Farewell, sick Grandmother.
I guess now heaven has another pervert.
Huh.
Shit, man. Where we gonna party now?
My drugs pill just kicked in.
Well, we know someone
who's having a party, don't we, Maury?
Hey, hey, everybody.
Let's go crash Lionel's loser party.
That's okay. You guys go ahead.
Yeah, we're gonna stay here
and look at Mona's
dead grandma's ghost tits.
Oh no, I don't like it if you're into it.
Oh, fuck. Look, I dropped all my pens,
right in front of you.
Petra, can I help you with something?
I don't need your fuckin' help, okay?
But since you asked,
I have an opportunity for you
that involves me getting something I need.
Hold on.
Are you asking me for a favor?
No, I don't need nothing from nobody.
But there is this cool kid
I'm working with,
and if you could give him
some of your hope mumbo jumbo
Uh-huh.
at the end of the day, there's a scenario
where you might have access to a truck.
Okay.
Oh, fuck this and fuck you
if you're gonna say "okay" like that.
Petra, stop. If you want my help,
why don't you just ask for it?
Because I don't like it.
But I gotta do it for this kid.
All right.
- But only because you asked.
- Great.
And technically, I did not ask.
You offered.
And yes, I'm recording this.
Mama Maury?
Connie Mommy?
What are you doing here?
What's up, hoes?
What's up is we're crashing
your party, dork.
Yeah, and there's nothing
you can do about it.
- Magnificent.
- "Magnificent"?
Yes, yes, come in, come in.
I know how you lot like to ejaculate,
and you may do so wherever you please,
for I am inebriated.
Um, okay?
Whoa, Lionel, your place is huge.
Do you live here alone?
Yeah, of course, of course.
Before this evening, everyone hated me.
But now look, my home is full of revelers,
and Rick is spiking the baptismal font.
I do not learn from my mistakes.
Oh! A house fire and a dead pervert
can't stop our party, people.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
once again, tonight we
Fuck, in a church.
Aw, what's up, Sal?
Oh.
You wanna go to the playground.
Maybe after your therapies. Okay, bud?
No. We don't wanna go
to the goddamn playground.
I mean, maybe. Later.
But first, Sal, my man, this is Hope.
Hey there, Sal.
She's here to make you feel
like you can go on living or whatever.
Humans are such fuckin' babies.
Not you. I know you're a big boy.
But humans in general.
Okay, Big Boy.
We're gonna manifest that truck.
- "Manifest"?
- Now, here's the plan, baby.
When you go into your therapies,
I want you to stay focused
on that truck you want so bad.
And to help you do that,
Petra's gonna sing you a song.
I am?
- I fuckin' hate singing.
- Petra.
All right.
If 58,000 young men
can die in the Vietnam War,
I can belt out a few notes.
They can lift, they can haul
They can crash a fucking wall ♪
They've got power, they've got balls ♪
- They're trucks ♪
- Trucks! ♪
Pull a cord, give a blast
Knock the kiddies on their ass ♪
Rollin' hard and rollin' fast ♪
- In trucks ♪
- Trucks! ♪
Whoa-oa-oa ♪
I'm talkin' trucks ♪
Whoa-oa-oa ♪
All kinds of trucks ♪
Haulin', liftin'
Grindin', shiftin' machines ♪
Fuckin' trucks! ♪
Now let's go get that goddamn truck.
Tittie bomb!
Okay, okay, to Alice and Dev.
Thank you for keeping Sal in his school.
And putting
that shitty school board in its place.
- Salud.
- Salud.
- But come on. It was all Alice.
- And your legal expertise.
No, it was you.
You're spectacular.
Alice! Did you fuck Dev yet?
You're horny, right?
Yeah, I'm horny as hell,
but, Connie, where the hell are you?
- Oh, I'm at a charty.
- A what?
A party at a church. A charty.
Oh, okay.
Dessert is served.
Sis, I love you, I do,
but you serve the absolute worst desserts.
What? It's a matcha cream pie
with a flaxseed protein crust.
- I'm sorry. It's straight-up gross.
- It's healthy.
Alice, we should ditch these hippies
and go get some actual dessert after this.
- That sounds nice.
- I love this for you.
Fuck him in a Baskin-Robbins.
Oh, shit, I gotta go.
Something fun is happening. Bye-bye.
Lionel! Lionel!
I am a gray, ashen god.
Careful.
- I can feel his ass!
- Okay, put him down. Thank you.
Montel, hi.
I promise we'll still be friends
even though I'm cool now.
Hey, Party Jesus?
Maybe you should go easy on the tequila?
- What are you? His mom?
- What? No.
Then why you harshin' the vibe?
Yeah, this guy's finally cool, man.
You think I'm cool, man?
Yeah. How'd you get so cool, man?
Tequila, man.
Oh, man, tequila makes me wanna suck dick.
Or maybe sucking dick
makes me thirsty for tequila?
Tequila and dick, man.
That's chocolate and peanut butter.
Okay, I think maybe
everyone should go easy on the tequila.
- Boo!
- Fuck you, party pooper.
Yeah, stop defecating
on our fiesta, you ho.
All right, this is some real
Señor Frog's energy, and I don't need it.
Well, shall we?
- One tequila.
- Two tequila.
- Three tequila.
- I'm a whore!
All right, all right, they've had
some fancy lesbian wine,
they're blowing smoke
up each other's asses.
- Perfect time to demand a toy.
- You can do this, baby.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, my love. Would you like some pie?
Ooh, see?
Even Sal knows what's up
with the desserts in this house.
Oh, he He probably wants tubby time.
Make these fakakta women
understand you, kiddo.
I'm listening, Sal. I'm listening.
Okay, he's signing "wants."
You want What do you want Sal?
- A block?
- No, a A toy, maybe?
Come on, kid.
Be the truck you wanna see in your house.
- You're honking. Oh, you're a goose!
- You wanna go to Canada?
I think he's a car.
Yes, yes, a car honks. You're a car.
Oh, okay.
Oh, no, you're bigger than a car.
- A crossover?
- A midsize SUV?
A Sprinter van!
No, it's a truck. Duh!
- He was pointing to one in the car today.
- You want a toy truck?
Better believe it's a truck!
Yes! He wants a toy truck.
- Yeah!
- We did it!
Choke on it, haters!
Our son wants a truck, and he told us.
Fuck that neurologist
and his bullshit benchmarks.
See, Sal? You can do anything
with the right attitude.
Because "the only disability
is a bad attitude," right, Alice?
- Oh, man.
- It's your mom all over again.
- Yeah, it is.
- Rochelle, stop.
We can't let them do to Sal
what your mom did to you.
This family needs this moment.
Alice, it is okay
to celebrate small victories.
- Oh God, you're gonna go to high school.
- Maybe even college.
We could be on The Amazing Race together
as mother and son.
Listen to them.
The expectations. The pressure.
- The disappointment.
- Stop it.
- Stop what?
- Tell them.
Don't do it, girl.
Please. Don't take this from them.
I I just think this is
a lot of pressure to put on him.
- Excuse me?
- Sis, chill.
- No, please, continue.
- I should not have said anything.
Are you scared
we'd be disappointed in him?
- Because we could never be.
- Sal is perfect as he is.
Yeah, you say that,
but you still expect him to do more.
Maybe more than he even wants to do.
And when he fails, and he will fail,
he will feel like shit,
and he's going to hate you.
Oh, fuck.
- Um "Fuck"?
- Uh
Did he just say his first word?
Don't look at me.
He didn't hear that fucking word from me.
Are we allowed to celebrate that, Alice?
Is that okay with you?
I'm so sorry.
I knew I should not have said anything.
No, it's fine. We get it.
Our son's gonna hate us.
- Oh, shit, Rochelle. What did we do?
- We told them the truth.
For the record,
I fuckin' hate you as a Hate Worm.
Let's blow this joint, Hope. Hope?
Oh, that bitch is gone.
Here one moment, gone the next.
- That's her whole gestalt, baby.
- Well, my whole gestalt is "eat my ass."
All right, drunks, sluts,
and drunken sluts,
you don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.
Oh!
Emmy, I said "drunken sluts."
Let's go. Come on.
Actually, Lionel said I can crash here
until I get my life together,
so, yeah, I'll be staying here forever.
Ooh! Bye, darling. You tell that freak
he throws one fuck of a party.
And where is said freak?
Lionel, where are you?
Everyone's going home.
Ooh! Ahh!
Lionel?
- Montel!
- It's not what it smells like.
So my parents aren't having
a mushy threesome with my mentor?
Oh, no. Yeah. Well, then, no,
it's exactly what it smells like.
Oh, you poor kid.
This is gonna be a core memory.
Ugh, the wetness!
A sexual betrayal by your mentor
tends to be foundational.
I gotta go scoop out my eyeballs.
Montel, wait!
I thought you wanted us to get along.
You basically begged us to do this.
Speaking of begging,
can I pleeease get in on your orgy?
- Uh no.
- No way.
Eh, my penis doesn't work anyway.
It has too many holes.
- What? Like a Like a flute?
- No, more like a colander.
Okay, now I'm intrigued.
- So
- Yeah.
- Uh, do you still wanna get some dessert?
- Are you serious?
Alice, my nephew finally advocated
for something he wanted,
and you somehow
made his whole family feel terrible.
I was just trying to protect Sal.
I get that, I do,
but it was still a dick move.
Dev, come on.
Yeah, I think I I think I should go.
- Uh, I'll see you around.
- Ah, shit.
Nuh-uh. Don't let that asshole
make you feel bad.
- Yeah, fuck him.
- We don't need his judgment.
- Fuck everybody.
- We don't need nothing from nobody.
- Yeah, we've got Postmates.
- And a vibrator.
Rochelle, I may never
leave the house again.
So, yeah, Sal's mom ordered it on Amazon,
and they delivered it that night.
Wow, Petra. I can't believe it.
You got Sal his truck
with no help whatsoever
from nobody at all.
Hey, there's no shame
in asking for help if you need it.
Fortunately, I did not.
What happened to you? You look like shit.
I don't know. I could say this.
I know I didn't fuck anyone last night.
Connie, could you say that?
You didn't fuck anyone last night?
I took a Xanax and fell asleep watching
the Netflix Original Series Lupin.
Oh, good. Maurice, Constance.
Morning, lovers.
Eh, I wanted to make sure
you both got home all right.
- Um, from what?
- My party last night.
Oh, you had a party last night?
Uh, yes, remember?
We all fornicated each other. No?
Oh my God!
You two fucked the Wizard?
- What?!
- No! Uh Uh-uh, I watched Lupin.
Okay. Yeah, yeah. Sure you did.
Oh, I see. You two are ashamed.
Afraid your stock as cool individuals
will take a hit
after making sweet love to me.
Everyone! I have an announcement to make.
- Oh, he's gonna tell everyone, isn't he?
- Yup.
- And we, uh
- We wanna fuck him again?
- Yup.
- Big time.
They can lift, they can haul
They can crash a fucking wall ♪
They've got power, they've got balls
They're trucks ♪
Pull a cord, give a blast
Knock the kiddies on their ass ♪
Rollin' hard and rollin' fast
In trucks ♪
I'm talkin' trucks ♪
All kind of trucks ♪
Haulin', liftin'
Grindin', shiftin' machines ♪
They're fuckin' trucks ♪