Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e08 Episode Script

What happened up to now on:
SPACE PILOT
What's this?
- Some kind of feedback?
The void-hole was back,
dissolving the cosmos!
It's bigger than I thought.
I'm outta here!
Who was gonna fire the cannon
into the void-hole!
I had to find the professor.
Mel!
The teleporter hole
led to a foreign planet!
I'm back home on my planet.
That is totally impossible.
That's not Mel's home.
Dr. Spamy, you have to shoot
the cannon into the void!
How sweet
Ok. I admit it, I know exactly
where this wormhole has led us.
SPACE PILO
The Star Diaries
What's this?
APPEARANCE AND REALITY
PART II
Where are we?
Is this the other side of the void
or are we in another galaxy?
Professor Tarantoga!
He must be here somewhere!
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
Tarantoga!
This jackass!
Now I was sure what he said
about the void-hole wasn't true.
We're still alive, and there's
something here and not nothing, huh?
There must be another explanation
for the hole in the cosmos.
Here!
Come on!
- Where to?
We have to go back.
- How?
Through that, huh?
I think
this is the way we came!
We're in Hell!
- Come on!
Get on the other one.
Do it!
Do it! Are you a scaredy-rat
like this Tarantoga guy?
Hello? Am I dead now?
Fly straight for once,
you ugly trunk-hen!
I was shocked!
We were teensy-weensy!
And had been sucked
into the vacuum cleaner!
In front of you!
Watch out!
Look! We were never
on a foreign planet.
The wormy hole had shrunk us.
And how do we get big again?
Does it work backward?
You stupid appliance!
Catch me if you can,
you miserable void!
Just you wait!
She can't see us, we have to go back
to the flowerpot, to the wormy hole!
Come on!
Catch me!
Let's find the way to the wormy hole.
We can get bigger through the teleporter
and come back through the kitchen!
Oh no.
- I don't believe this.
Hey, look here.
Down here!
- Such a blind-bat!
Spamy, when are you gonna fire
the cannon into the damn void?
Have Tarantoga
or Tichy turned up yet?
Maybe she's too stupid!
- Or we're too small!
It was all over now.
We were trapped shrunk
in a flowerpot
while the void hole was
wiping out the universe.
Hallucinette had to turn on
the teleporter again.
I had a brilliant idea
of how to send her a sign.
Come on!
You're fat and ugly!
Oh crap! It's working.
Mr. Tichy, he's coming!
Left, left, left!
Right, right, right!
It's working!
And the cannon?
You have two left hands?
Miroslav Enough now!
I have to put up
with a lot from Mr. Tichy
but you're even worse.
A complete failure.
You really must be the biggest
cosmic dumb-ass alive!
Compared to you Mr. Tichy's a hero.
I would've bet all my fuses
I'd never say this!
Now we'll see if she is a sly-fox, huh?
My stomach is rumbling again.
I don't understand the connection!
Me neither!
You know what you are?
A loser!
This whole time I was looking
for my real home
my family.
But it was here all along
right in front of my nose!
Hey, we're here
I'm in charge!
What would Mr. Tichy do?
In a critical situation he would
run away, that's it!
We gotta get outta here!
How dare you!
An arrow?
Where did that come from?
Oh, the plug.
My invention.
A smart appliance?
I said so, didn't I?
Yeah
Let's go!
You coming?
Oh no. Not again
Mr. Tichy, at last!
What happened?
It's getting bigger!
No one can fire the cannon!
Where's the vacuum cleaner?
Tell me!
It's so nice of you to want
to tidy up now, but
Tarantoga, you jackass.
Are you in there?
Yes, I'm here. Help!
Answer if you hear me!
He can't hear me, oh no!
What an egghead!
- Yeah
You have to go back
in the flower pot, okay?
Such a show-off!
What's with Mel?
- The Mel-fellow?
He'll find his way back.
Crap! Again!
Hey, jackass-professor, huh?
- Careful now!
Go through the wormy hole
to get to the kitchen.
I'm already on my way.
Oh, my back
Where am I now?
If that worm comes again
Mel? Not together!
My arm! I have my arm back!
Where's the Mel-fellow?
That was the solution. A worm hole.
Through teleporter back coupling.
I have my arm again.
Where's Mel?
What's that?
What is the meaning of this?
- Ok, I'll explain.
This is Mel.
He's not from a foreign planet.
He's my dog.
A watch dog, actually
He came to the Institute through the
teleporter with this earth on his feet.
I was washing my dog's paws, after our
walk, and by mistake I teleported him
together with my right arm.
Stupid of me. I know.
The result was a fusion between
my dog and my arm. Mel!
This is Mel's dog tag.
Those two creatures came about
in the same foolish way.
Dr. Spamy wanted
to send two eggs at once.
Out of curiosity, he stuck his
trunk in the teleporter. Idiot!
I kept looking for a technical
solution to reverse this fusion.
And now, at last,
I have my arm back.
What about Mel?
- Mel. Heel!
Mel, you flee-ridden mutt.
Let's go home.
Be a little nicer to Mel.
Watch out, Tzushy! I've got two arms now!
How about a black eye?
He deserved that!
Let's do it!
No, no, I'm right-handed! At least
let me keep my right hand!
On the other side of my kitchen!
My good arm!
- Home at last
Why are you all
looking at me like that?
Did something happen?
- No, no
What's wrong? Why is no one
dealing with the void?
I had the feeling that there was
a direct connection
between me and
the hole in the cosmos!
Yes! I'll go and shoot my cannon.
We need to bring about a new evolution
Stop right there! Up to now
nothing you've said has been true.
Not the green planet
not the Mel-fellow
So why should it be any different
with this void-hole?
I'm going to find the solution
to this puzzle!
I'd let it go. There's nothing
on the other side!
Mel-fellow,
can you take over the wheel?
It's in good hands, all left up to me!
And you
You rope me down?
If there are any problems
it's all in your own hands.
The rope and Ijon Tichy!
Let's go!
And then Ijon Tichy fell into the void
and saw
that this hole was just
an empty place in the story.
Because of my growling stomach,
I couldn't concentrate any more
and had no ideas left.
The empty part of the story
grew bigger.
What did you say?
That's why the Star Diaries
and the adventures of Ijon Tichy
had to come to an end forever.
The void-hole is just a hole
in the universe?
Because your head is empty and
you have no more ideas for the story
because your stomach is
hungry and grumbling.
Yes.
Are you as dumb as a doornail?
I'm the cosmic hero Ijon Tichy
and I'll do
as I please!
I'm Ijon Tichy! I type
and you do what I type?
Nothing!
That's not an ending
for the Hero of the Cosmos.
You're on your own now!
I will not type you a happy ending
into the story.
I'd rather make a yummy omelet.
Do it! No discussion!
Go!
It wasn't nice of him to sell me
for only two eggs.
But if Hallucinette really
wants to hang on to him
Yes, but the professor wasn't willing
to give more than two eggs for you!
That's irrelevant now.
But I'll make sure Tushy
get's that black eye I owe him!
Mr. Tichy, up here.
It's all weird!
What's going on here?
Nothing important!
What are you doing?
I didn't type that!
Dr. Spamy came and threw his arms around
Hallucinette, sobbing his heart out
making her drop the rope.
- I think she likes me.
Dr. Spamy, your weird trunk's back?
Yes, through the teleporter.
- I couldn't have done this left handed!
Just like I said, Mr. Tichy,
there's nothing here.
You are right again, Professor!
There's nothing here.
Hey, stop it now!
This is not possible?
I didn't type any of this!
That
is science fiction for you!
Anything's possible.
People later said
that I made the whole thing up.
Nasty people said that I secretly
drank too much alcohol on earth
Let's get outta here.
Just a second
You are a loyal appliance
and you were right:
I need to respect your
equal rights in the rocket.
From now on
I will no longer call you
an "appliance".
I will call you "Miss Appliance".
Now, step on the gas,
Miss Appliance!
Thank you, Tichy.
I'm still Mr. Tichy to you.
And now, let's go!
I'll say it again.
Nasty people said
that I secretly drank
too much alcohol on earth
but on long space voyages
lost all inhibitions
And that Tushy, I told him
there was nothing there!
Professor? Since when
do I have two left hands?
That I'll save that story for later.
Oh no!
Finally, a yummy omelet.