I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e08 Episode Script
Now You See Me, Now You Don't
1 [EDDIE.]
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here - I'm getting married.
- I always had a soft spot for men who could make people laugh.
- How soft? - Schlosser agreed to let you two make a pilot as part of Saul's deal.
[GRUNTS.]
Was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by and introduce myself to your son that you never mentioned.
I tried talking to Eddie.
I need to apologize.
- You need to leave.
- I have a son.
What kind of person walks away from their own child? [CASSIE.]
I blew my audition taking care of you.
I don't know when I'm gonna stop doing this shit.
Who do you think I lost my virginity to? A comic, when I was 15.
You tell me who you're talking about.
Roy! [ROY.]
I don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to be Roy Martin.
Have you seen a man, tall? Oh, fuck.
Roy! [JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
You, uh, get a hold of his daughter? Eh, she's skiing, some college thing.
She doesn't know nothing.
You okay? Right.
Um, I'm sorry.
[EXHALES.]
- Oh, Zeidel.
- Hm? I need the keys to the Caddy back.
Hm? He's embarrassed.
Licking his wounds somewhere, huh? Yeah.
Bam, biscuit, all right, welcome back, listeners, to "Kenny in the AM.
" And I'm here with comedian Nick Beverly, who is not a morning person.
Would you say that's correct there, Nicky? Um, could I get some more coffee? All right, sure, let's do that.
And how about a little sugar, Nicky, to wake you up? What are you thinking, one lump or two? - Uh, just black.
- All right, black it is for comedian Nick Beverly, who looks like something the cat thought about dragging in, reconsidered, and just went about his day.
Kenny, I have known you for a long time.
- Right.
- I understand the need - to be on.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to ask you to just take it down a notch, okay? Every time you open your mouth, it's like the Mexican soccer team scored a goal.
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry there, Nicky, but that's a big "no can do," because this is "Kenny in the AM"! [TRAIN WHISTLE.]
Not "Kenny, Post Mortem.
" [SLIDE WHISTLE.]
Nicky, let's talk about your decline, shall we? Word on the street is you're doing a lot of couch surfing as of late.
What's that like for someone at your age? You know, Kenny, I'm in between couches right now.
I'm sort of doing a back to nature thing.
A lot of park benches and, uh, bus stations, things like that.
You know, doing a real Henry David Thoreau sort of deal.
I don't know, I've been really into this idea about trying to survive in hostile elements, you know? Uh, historical change, or you know, natural decay.
But hey, maybe that's hard to fathom if there isn't a kazoo or a slide whistle backing me up.
Oh, bam biscuit, you are - You.
- What? Okay, we got a SIG alert, so stay tuned everybody, for Harvey in the Sky with traffic.
Traffic and weather Thoreau, really, is that what the fuck we're doing here? Any chance of you upping your energy? - I don't know.
- Jesus fucking Christ there, Nicky.
[SNIFFING.]
This show is about getting people to work.
Not back into fucking coffins.
Do you ever think that people might just want to, you know, just ease into their day? They don't want some coke-addled parrot being shoved up their fucking ass first thing in the morning? Can someone tell me where the funny fucking comics are, huh? Can someone please tell me where to find the funny fucking comics? [ROCK MUSIC.]
[RON GRUNTING.]
No.
- Oh, that's the one.
- Really? I don't know, it seems kind of - Sad? - Yeah.
Pathetic? The embodiment of stupidity? Desperation? Narcissism? - Kind of.
- Yeah, that's the one.
No, this is the one.
I mean, this is the most representative of the evening.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Don't let it hit you too hard, buddy.
Well, it's a fake.
Roy gave me a fake Rolex.
- What? - No way.
That would mean that Roy was a huge asshole.
I tried to pawn it.
Guy said it was worth 40 bucks.
Can you believe that? 40 fucking bucks.
Ed, I don't think you're going to find a less sympathetic audience right now.
Oh, right.
Definitely blame the iceberg, because that marriage was unsinkable.
Oh.
Let me guess, you still can't find him? No, that guy was my bread and butter, man.
And that's not saying a lot.
I think I'm just going to have to get back my shifts at Donimirski's.
Do you need money? I'll give you money.
No, thank you, but I already live here for free, so.
No, come on, I'll just float you till you get back on your feet.
There's no shame in that.
I got to agree with Ron on this one.
You know, I'm all for a step or two back, but Donimirski's? Shit's like the next state over.
Look, it's temporary, okay? And I just I want to do this one by myself.
Why? What do you mean, why? I mean, I understand the whole pull yourself up by your bootstrap thing, but what's the harm in a little financial aid? Plus, I don't want the house smelling like Poland's doing its laundry every time you come home.
Hey, Ron, why don't you focus on cementing the memories of your latest brush with mind-blowing stupidity and let me take care of me, okay? [AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[CAMERON.]
My boss is a real jerk.
I hate being his assistant.
I have to make tea for him every morning.
He's never once said thank you.
- He's a tea drinker? - Yeah.
Hey, Cameron, does he have a private stash? [CAMERON.]
Imported, Earl Grey.
Comes in a tin.
Okay, listen very closely, Cameron, because this is what I want you to do.
Tomorrow morning, I want you to go in a little bit early, I want you to take that tea bag out, okay, and I want you to fold it up real tight, and tuck it up under your manhood.
You are going to let it steep there for about 15 minutes, my friend.
Get a brisk walk going, do a few squats.
Whatever it is that really gets the Cameron essence going, you know? And I want you to take it out, you're going to add some boiling water, you're going to smile, and you're going to serve.
Is this the old family recipe there, Nicky? Thank you so much, listener.
All right, everybody, stay tuned because up next is sports, with your very own Matt Ravelich.
"Jock Talk" coming up.
[LAUGHS.]
- Nicky, that was a good show.
- Cool.
I mean, it started off slow, but the people really seemed to dig your angry down-and-out shit.
I mean, personally, I wanted to hook a fucking car battery up to my nuts every time you opened your mouth, but Phone lines don't lie.
Yeah, I think someone said there was going to be cookies.
- Are there cookies? - Hey! Cookies! Get the guy some fucking cookies, please! Nick, you like doing this? Um, I don't know, yeah.
Thanks.
What do you say you fill in for me a couple days? - Uh - No, listen to me.
My old lady's going to fucking kill me if I don't take a couple days off, so I'm thinking I pop up to San Francisco with her.
We see what's cooking up in the lab.
Hello, ha ha.
Nick, you're going to love doing this.
You get to choose any guests you want.
The shmucks behind the glass practically do everything, and this asshole right here will even write your jokes for you.
- What's it pay? - What's it pay? I'm sleeping on people's fucking couches? The station will take care of you, Nick.
I don't know, you really think I'm that good? Of course not.
But you're decent enough not to fuck up my show, and you're shitty enough that the people will be glad when I return.
- Shim sham.
- Nicky! There we go, baby.
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
I like beard.
Masculine, good.
Ah, thank you.
I like old Eddie hair better.
Less homosexual.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, hey, gotcha.
I really do appreciate this - More things.
- Okay.
Shoes falling apart.
You get new ones.
Oh, well, you know I sort of made a vow to myself that this would be my last pair of waiter shoes.
This restaurant, not Valley Forge.
Oh, and Eddie, I'm sorry.
No more comedy here.
Only folk singing.
Yeah, well, I don't think there ever really was comedy here, Grajca.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BILL.]
I'm just saying, your black television show needs a redheaded white male.
No, no, dude, you're going to blind people at home.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, if it isn't my two favorite people and Bill.
- Ah.
- Oh, hi, Nicholas.
William.
Heard you on "Kenny" this morning.
- Oh? - Yeah, you were fucking awful.
Yeah, man, nobody wants to contemplate life first thing in the morning.
That's a post-masturbation activity.
- I don't know, I liked it.
- [BILL.]
Oh, please.
The only reason you liked it is because he's been inside of your body, okay? If you had any objectivity, you'd call it what it was.
Ear rape.
Well, congratulations, Dawn.
You get to be my first on-air guest.
- Now look at that.
- Wait a minute.
- You got a show? - Mm-hmm.
"Kenny in the AM.
" Only I'm going to call it "Nicky and the Why The Fuck Am I Up So Early?" [LAUGHTER.]
[SLIDE WHISTLES.]
[QUACKS.]
- Wow.
- Yeah, he's taking a break for a week, he asked me to fill in begged, really.
He's going to take a whole week to do coke out of the studio? - Hurt! - I will see you tomorrow at eight o'clock.
Boys, I'm sorry you didn't make the cut, but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- Oh, thank you, I love those.
- [HUMOROUSLY VOCALIZES.]
[RALPH.]
It's so quiet, you can hear the drug use.
[AMANDA.]
Heard you this morning.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You have some thoughts you would like to share? Your zest for life is contagious.
It'll be awfully nice if those people got their drinks before the valet handed them their keys.
Thank you.
What are you up to? - Just heading out.
- That's what I thought.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Seriously? - What? It wasn't him.
Are you going to do this with every comic? Not if you tell me who it was.
It was a long time ago.
I don't care about it.
Just let it go.
I would have taken a bullet for you then, just as I would take a bullet for you now.
Hey, Eddie.
I got something for you.
No, I'm not really hungry, man.
No, it's not food.
Scott Woytowich? Who the hell is that? Agent over at CMA.
TV guy, covers writers.
Says Newhart's show is looking to staff.
I mentioned you working for Roy Martin; he was all over it.
That's fucking crazy, man! Thank you.
Oh, okay, okay.
Um, this is a little uncomfortable, Eddie.
- You know? - Thank you, man.
Eddie.
A job and my fries? Thank you.
Don't don't make it a thing.
Get the So basically, it's a game show sketch where white people try to convince us they've suffered just as much as black folk.
[ADAM.]
Yeah, it's called, "You Think You Got It Bad?" Yeah, and I'll be the host.
Jimmy Jam Johnson.
That sound good.
Y'all got it written up? Like, eight pages.
You know, it's a little rough, but it's definitely something.
I'ma split.
But I got places to be.
Hot date? Everything ain't about dating.
A girl can have other places to be.
[LAUGHS.]
[RALPH.]
We got to do a sketch about that.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why didn't you come over? Oh, I don't know, I guess I'm just not really Sure where I'm welcome anymore.
Oh, Cassie, they're still your friends.
I don't know, you ask me, this is a self-imposed exile.
You punishing you.
- That certainly fits the bill.
- Just lighten up on yourself.
Hey, do you want to get out of here and go get a drink or something? Shit, I can't.
I got plans.
- Okay, another time.
- Yeah.
- You cool? - Yeah, we're good.
No, um, I'm asking, are you cool? Oh, um I mean, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're cool.
Come on, you're cool.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm cool.
How about The Exorcist, if it was a little black girl? - Oh, shit.
- What's up? Oh, I got to go.
I'm dropping by Gloria's.
She's working tonight, so I'll catch you tomorrow.
- We got an early start.
- Yeah, whatever.
Shit starts shooting soon.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
Well, I tried to forget you Oh, I tried, oh, I have We had a love that was a good thing You've got some serious moves there, brother.
Hmm, a little bit, you know.
And you stopped at a florist for me.
Okay, truth be told, it was a gas station.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
It was either this, or a pack of Slim Jims.
You almost ready to go? Actually, I have some big news to share.
- What's up? - Maurice's girlfriend is having a baby, and uh, that means I'm going to be a grandmother.
[SCOFFS.]
- Well, congratulations, baby.
- I know, it's big news.
Shit, so what we doing staying here? Let's go celebrate.
Listen.
Not tonight.
They're waiting for me at the house.
They're going to have to move in with me for a while.
So there's a lot to talk about.
I'm sorry that I didn't call sooner, but I just found out myself.
Can I take a rain check? No, I feel that.
Any chance of it raining tomorrow? We'll see.
Just sorry you had to drive all the way out here.
You know you're always worth the trip, Gloria.
Come here.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Get you some rest.
You're going to need it, grandma.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Watch the dog Lord, yeah Everyone looks so happy.
Yeah, this is the only place in LA where you're welcome if you're black, brown, and gay.
[LAUGHTER.]
You don't exactly blend in.
Why, because of what I'm wearing? [LAUGHS.]
If someone asked me to dance, I can dance, right? It depends; are you any good? Uh, wait till you see.
Okay.
Oh, another thing.
- You see that light? - Yeah.
That thing lights up, it means a raid.
You see a guy, grab him and start dancing.
If a guy grabs you, act like he's your boyfriend.
That works? It's like musical chairs.
You don't find a seat, you could wind up with a billy club at your neck.
- Well, I don't want that.
- Right.
Hey, Cassie, this is my friend, Alvira.
- Alvira, Cassie.
- Hi, I'm Cassie.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Cass, grab us a table.
I'll get some drinks.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
How you know her? Oh, she's a comic from the club.
She's straight.
- Straight? - Mm-hmm.
The hell you bringing her here for? Well, she going through a tough time, needed a night out.
Well, ain't you the dyke with the heart of gold.
What's your problem? You aren't jealous? Hell, no.
I was hoping you was hitting on her.
Otherwise, you were just ashamed to introduce me as your girlfriend.
Shit, you keep on nagging me like that, I'm going to introduce you as my mother.
Alvira, it's a joke.
Oh, my God.
[MUSIC CHANGES TO PLAYFUL FUNK.]
Darling your love It's strong enough for two And I'll do anything You tell me to I could see your face Shining in the stars And no matter where you go I got to be where you are All because you got a good thing You got a good thing, baby I keep on telling you, baby I feel like I should tell you I'm not a lesbian.
Right, no one here is a lesbian.
No, no, really, I'm sorry.
I'm not a lesbian.
Then what the fuck are you doing here? In the wee, wee hours of the night But out of the blue, yeah You come to me And you make me feel So, I suppose you heard about Roy.
I heard he's missing.
Well, he's headlining here all week starting tomorrow.
At least, he was supposed to.
I thought maybe you'd like to step in.
Me? Not Adam? Yeah, you.
What do I get? What you usually get for headlining.
- Roy gets the door.
- Roy headlines in Vegas.
He's earned it.
You've done Carson.
And so, there's a rate for that, but it does not include the door.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, that's wrong, and you know it.
Wrong is a concept you're barely acquainted with, Billy.
None of you comics.
You express outrage where you should feel grateful.
You only want what's not been offered, and you take what isn't fucking yours.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
So don't talk to me about wrong.
At the end of his set, he goes, "And I'd like to introduce, Mr.
Eddie Zeidel.
" And I come back on stage for a second time, and he does it to me again.
- Oh.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, fucking nutter.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Four is my limit, thank you.
[EXHALES.]
Are you still writing for Roy? Um Yeah, you know, whenever he needs me.
- Sort of on call.
- Mm-hmm.
So, uh What happens next? Yeah, we'll take your sample packet.
- Okay.
- And I'll call Fred Davies.
He runs Newhart, and we'll tell him how much we love you.
How you're exactly what he's looking for.
Smash cut to a parking space at MTM.
Well, I might need to smash cut to a car first.
[LAUGHTER.]
[DOUG.]
So, I come home, and my albums are scattered like, everywhere, with these huge scratches gouged into them.
I mean, who does that? Freaking madness, right? Well, you know, if you think about it, madness is really, uh, sanity, just, you know, without the filter.
Wait, you slept with her sister.
- Yeah.
- And you calling up in here, whining because your Deep Purple albums got a couple scratches in them? You're lucky you ain't my boyfriend.
I wouldn't be scratching no albums.
Your manhood would be hanging from my rearview mirror like a pair of fuzzy dice.
Oh, that would make for one ugly air freshener.
- Hang up on this fool.
- Sorry, you heard the lady.
Bye-bye, Doug from Santa Monica.
- Bye-bye.
- Oof, wow.
- Wow.
- How? - He don't love her.
- No.
Doing the deed with your girlfriend's sister, that ain't love.
You don't need no "Love is not banging "your girlfriend's sister" comic strip to figure that one out.
- The "Love Is" comic strip.
- Mm-hmm.
The little naked couple with no private parts who keep telling us what love is.
Yeah, it's easy to tell people what love is when you have no genitalia.
Try throwing some reproductive organs into the mix, then you see how complex it is.
Exactly.
Yeah, hey, uh, let's take another caller.
KROQ listener, you are on with Nicky in the Morning, and The Crack of Dawn.
Uh, who do we got? [ALVIRA.]
Alvira, South Central.
Hi, Alvira from South Central.
[ALVIRA.]
I've learned you've got to be willing to be who you really are to get love.
Oh, sounds like someone's speaking from experience.
[ALVIRA.]
Yeah, I'm talking about my girlfriend.
Mm, girlfriends.
Had a few of those.
What did she do wrong? [ALVIRA.]
Well, she's a lesbian, through and through, but she acts like she's a tourist when she out with me.
So she's closeted, is what you're saying.
[ALVIRA.]
Well, got one foot out.
She brings a girl from work to a gay club, then introduces me as her friend.
- Ouch.
- Hold up.
Maybe she needs more time.
That pressure only going to make her run farther and faster.
[ALVIRA.]
She can run as much as she wants, but she can't run from herself.
And you're going to be the one to make that call for her? - How about you support her? - Mm.
You know, maybe it isn't about your time table.
[ALVIRA.]
So how long am I supposed to wait? My support only goes Uh Sorry, Alvira, looks like we lost you there.
Uh, hey, after the break, it's traffic and weather, so stick around.
[INDISTINCT RADIO AD PLAYING.]
Well.
She really got under your skin.
I'm hungry.
You know how I get when I'm hungry.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Gloria.
- [ADAM.]
Hey.
I got the house to myself.
What time you coming over? Adam, I never said for sure that I was coming over.
[ADAM.]
Oh, come on, Gloria.
Just play hooky with me.
[SCOFFS.]
[GLORIA.]
Wait a minute, are you actually playing hooky? Me? No, no, no, no.
It's just a figure of speech.
Uh-uh, do not blow this.
Do you understand? [ADAM.]
Okay, look, Gloria, I'm not blowing this.
Me and Ralph been going day and night.
I just thought that maybe a day off might be good.
You know, to get the creative juices flowing again.
Maybe recharge, how about that? And since you've been putting in so much work lately, I just felt like maybe we could recharge together, you know? Come on, Gloria, look.
I know that you're about to be a grandma, but that don't mean you got to start acting like one.
You're too much, you know that? Just come and have some fun with me, please.
Mark the words I tell you I tell you, each one is true Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
[HUMMING.]
I need you to leave, please.
- If I had a nickel.
- No, I'm serious, man.
Gloria's coming over, and I just want a little one on one.
You cool and all, but you not exactly atmosphere.
What what the fuck are you doing? My morning skinny dip.
Put your Mexican jumping bean away.
Edgar, you got 30 minutes, and then you need to be the fuck out of here, all right? - Come in.
- No, I'm serious, man.
You ever seen a naked man before? Jeez.
He'll be coming late, but I talked to him, and he'll definitely make an appearance.
I will take him for five minutes if Carson can spare it.
Well, just keep the drinks and the adoration coming, and chances are, he'll make a night of it.
Oh, thank you, Mitch.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I have a 12 noon tee time with Johnny.
Yeah.
Basically, I'm there to raise everybody else's self-esteem.
Thank you so much, Mitch.
Oh, oh, hey.
Tonight, Ali and his entourage are going to be here.
Why don't you stop by, huh? They're always fun.
Muhammad Ali, well, you won't get a fight out of me.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, you.
- Hey, Mitch.
Jesus, what? - Well, I know it wasn't Bill.
- What if it was Bill? - Or Edgar? - Manny? Or Ralph or Gabe or Al.
What are you going to do? Ruin them? They cower when they see your shadow.
Where's the sport in that? I am not going to ruin anybody.
I am your mother, and I need to know what happened.
Okay.
- I'll give you a hint.
- Mm-hmm? Mitch? Bullshit.
Mitch is my friend, and he's older than your father.
Even Mitch's wife won't screw Mitch.
Well, you wouldn't admit you believe me, even if you did.
[GASPS.]
Meaning? You'd never jeopardize your in with Carson.
I don't believe you.
Got to admit, it'd be pretty inconvenient if you did.
Because you've always been so reliable in the past? My 15th birthday.
We had a reservation at Musso and Franks.
I was waiting for you here with some of the comics, and you were at the Beverly Wilshire trying to convince Carlin to do a New Year's Eve show.
You kept pushing the reservation later.
Mitch was having drinks with someone.
We went outside, smoked a joint, and then [SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
No.
Well, why would you do that? Because it was my birthday, and you weren't there.
He was.
Rough me up.
Yeah? - How's that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it, that's it.
[MOANING.]
That's it, slap me.
- What? - Slap me.
- I'm not going to slap you.
- Come on, fucking slap me! - I'm not going to - Come on! - What are you waiting for? - Whoa, whoa, hey.
Just like Okay, I'm, uh, sorry [BOTH EXHALE.]
She was talking about me.
Who was talking about you? That caller.
Alvira.
She's my girlfriend.
[AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
And not Not telling anybody Pretending It's like poison.
[EXHALES.]
Fuck it.
What if you did [SCOFFS.]
Tell them the truth? I'm scared.
I'm scared I'll disappear.
And all they'll see is that.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
Mm.
Mm.
Hey.
Oh, hey, man.
Lunch already? Well, I'm a little early.
I just wanted to check out the menu, you know? It's lobster bisque day today.
You know it's commissary food, right? Lobster bisque is basically cream of pink.
Ain't no lobster in there for $1.
99.
Yeah, well, either way, I'm fucking starved.
Adam threw me out before I could have breakfast because Gloria's coming over.
- Say again? - Gloria, yeah.
He wanted to be alone with her, so he asked me to leave.
This motherfucker told me he was sick so he could have sex with Gloria? He did sound like he had a nose thing.
Save it, Edgar.
Well, let's not jump to conclusions, okay? She's old; he could be reading to her.
This thing shoots in four weeks, and this motherfucker is fucking his wom mm! [GROOVY MUSIC.]
[ADAM.]
These are the perks of our work.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So you glad you skipping school now? Mm-hmm.
You are a cool grandma, though.
I'll give you that.
The coolest thing my grandma ever did was kill a damn alligator with a shovel.
Now, that's pretty fucking cool.
But you need to stop with that grandma shit.
Mm, age ain't nothing but a number anyways, right? Well, that's when it's your age.
- Mm! - That's oh! Damn.
You ever been to Hawaii? Yeah, many times.
Yeah, well, I ain't never been there.
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
First thing I'm going to do when this money start coming in, is I'm taking you.
And you being there already, it's going to be perfect, because you can show us exactly where to go.
- You got big plans, don't you? - Damn straight.
[BOTH YELLING.]
What the fuck? Sorry ass motherfucker! [GROOVY MUSIC.]
[GRAJCA.]
Eddie, where are new shoes? You look like man with shopping cart who always want to use restroom.
Oh, I know, Grajca, I know, I said I'd buy a new pair of shoes, but there actually might be a little change of plans.
I buy you shoes, you pay me back.
I think I might have a writing job.
It's nothing certain, but there's a good chance I might not be here long.
Wear those shoes, very good chance.
I know, Grajca, but if you can just give me two weeks, I promise you, if nothing happens, I will buy a new pair.
Weeks? Shoes dangerous.
What if you trip, fall, break neck, spill soup? You know, there's a little bit of a mixed message on where your priorities lie.
But I promise you that won't happen.
In Poland, we have saying.
"Jak cie widza, tak cie pisza.
" How they see you is how they perceive you.
Your ass in here dressed like a geisha girl, this some shit.
Ralph, just calm down, man.
It's just one day.
We've been going nonstop ever since this shit got picked up.
They all one day; we need every single one of them.
What did you think this was going to be like? - We shoot in four weeks.
- Exactly.
Four weeks, man.
Come on, half of the sketches are already written up.
- You know that.
- Half the sketches.
Half ain't shit, Adam! What? Oh, you think this town give a shit about your dreams? About your voice? About you being the next Pryor? This is a fucking business.
And if you don't treat it like a business, you're going to be out of it.
I take this shit every bit as serious as you do.
Really? Are you sure we talking about the same shit? Apologize, man.
- No, Adam - No, Gloria.
Fucking apologize.
You need to back up off me, Adam.
I brought your ass along, man.
Adam, it was a shoebox full of scrap papers.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
I meant no offense.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Okay, so, I went to a lesbian club the other night.
[CHEERS.]
Yeah, and I got asked to dance right away, which does not happen to me in regular clubs, I will have you know.
Yeah, the whole night really got me thinking, and I think it might be time for me to get sober.
Penis sober.
[LAUGHTER.]
Now, I know what you're thinking, which is what I was thinking, which is, lesbian sex is just a couple girls in matching PJs having a tickle fight.
But, I'm here to tell you, those ladies like to get down, okay? [CHEERS.]
Now, that's someone you should pay attention to or what? Hey, I love Cassie.
But, that material.
Oh, no, no, no, she's just flapping her wings tonight.
She's got plenty of material for The Tonight Show, huh? It's not me; it's Johnny.
He doesn't care for female comics.
He thinks it's vulgar for the fairer sex to talk like men.
Why, thank you, darling.
Mmm-mmm-mm.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
They have great ones, fantastic.
Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.
- Customer that way.
- No, Grajca, I can't.
You don't understand, I can't wait on him.
Well, he wears shirt, he wears shoes, you serve.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand, I just met this man for a job this morning.
This man knows me as the guy who writes for Roy Martin.
Not as a Not as a waiter.
What difference? Is honest living.
No, I you said so yourself.
How they see you is how they perceive you.
And if this guy sees me as a waiter, you can kiss the writing gig good-bye.
Eddie, you're the only waiter here.
Do job please.
- Grajca! - Do job, Eddie.
- Grajca! - Zz! - [GRUNTS.]
- Zz! [GRUNTS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Fancy meeting you here.
Can we get a couple of iced teas to start? Just the iced teas for now.
We're going to need a minute.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Two iced teas, coming right up.
Thank you.
Guy has no idea who I am.
I'm glad your secret identity as waiter is safe.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
[MAN.]
Give it up for Cassie Feder.
Oh, hi.
Phew.
So you're a lesbian now? What? I took you to my place.
To my world.
I didn't say use it for some bullshit set.
Oh, okay.
Are you upset because I used something that I experienced - and put it onstage? - Oh, you experienced? Five minutes on the dance floor grinding on some dyke makes you a lesbian? Tell me, Cassie, what the fuck did you experience? Uh This is ridiculous.
I don't know what to say.
I don't have to explain to you how this works.
No, no, no, no, no, tell me, what did you experience? You've been shunned by your friends and family? You ever walk around every minute of every day with a time bomb inside of you that can erase every trace of who you are? Yes, I fucking have.
You are not the only one with secrets, my friend.
Everybody got secrets, Cassie.
There's a big difference between having one and being one.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
- Everything good? - Yeah.
You guys make the best pirogies.
Anything else I can get you? Dessert, coffee? - Just the check.
- Right.
Kind of late for coffee, especially considering the four you had at breakfast.
What are you? Are you some kind of Amazing Kreskin? You you you really have no idea who I am? Um Eddie Zeidel.
Adam Proteau's friend.
We had breakfast this morning, right.
Me, you, Bryan Watson, you're CMA, We met about the opening on the Newhart show.
Right, exactly.
It's I'm sorry.
It's out of context.
I couldn't place you.
Well, I really must have made some impression.
No, you you were great, we loved you.
I mean, you write for Roy Martin.
Of course I remember you.
You're a funny guy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
What? There is no Newhart show for me, is there? Look, cards on the table.
Adam Proteau is going to be a star.
So you know, he tells me his friend needs a gig, I'm buying breakfast.
Oh, okay, so what you're basically telling me is that this morning was a total waste of both of our time.
No, I'm not saying that at all.
Now you're on my radar.
Right.
And how long does it go from being on your radar to something actually happening? [STAMMERING.]
I you know I uh I don't know.
I really I don't know.
Um I'm not the Amazing Kreskin, either.
Hi.
Let's After you, okay, okay.
[SCOTT.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHTER.]
And I'm in a long distance relationship right now, because that's the way that most of the women I date prefer it.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't understand why long distance relationships get such a bad rap, right? Because, if you think about it, every major religion that we have is based on a long distance relationship with God.
Right, and no one ever gives you grief for being in a long distance relationship with God, right? No one's ever like, wait, you're in a long distance thing with Jesus? [LAUGHTER.]
But you guys, you can't talk, you can't touch.
Sometimes, Jesus just like, disappears for three days.
He's like, hey, I'm actually back.
I'm actually not dead.
I could never do that.
He's good.
- Yeah, he's good.
- I mean, he's not great.
But you know, this place is a kiln.
And he's a ball of clay waiting to get fired into a pot.
A funny pot.
All right, guys, that's my time.
I'm Brendan Sibler.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Up next, it is my honor to welcome to the stage the very funny Bill Hobbs! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, how about that? Brendan Sibler, you guys, huh? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, a little bird told me that I'd be performing tonight for the greatest boxer of all time.
So whoever has the ashes of Rocky Marciano, please raise the urn over your head right now.
Where are you? No, of course, I'm kidding, because right now, tonight, ladies and gentleman, you're in the presence of greatness.
The greatest, the champ, Muhammad Ali is right there.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, champ, I read some of your poetry.
There's one thing you're not the greatest at, huh? Oof.
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER.]
The only thing worse than your poetry is your military service record.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just kidding.
Please, please don't hurt me.
[LAUGHTER.]
I have a family that doesn't like me, please, please.
Muhammad Ali, you guys.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
Oh.
- That's delicious.
- Yeah.
My mom taught me.
She used to work for this lady that showed her how.
Said that the secret was a little bit of nutmeg.
Mm-hmm.
You miss your mother, huh? Yeah, I think about her all the time.
What I would do for her when I made it.
I'm sure your happiness is reward enough, because, you know, that's all any ever mother wants for her child, their happiness.
- You should know, huh? - Yeah, it's not easy raising a man, and I raised two.
- First one was my husband.
- Oh! We were 18 when we got married.
Didn't know shit from shinola, the two of us.
And then, boom, Maurice came along.
And I did the best I could with both of them.
- Well, I'm sure you did.
- God knows I tried.
I gave it all that I had.
And I don't want to do it again.
You You saying you think you got to raise me too? No, not exactly.
It's just, I've already been to Hawaii, you know? Exactly, that's why you the perfect person to go with, baby.
You know everything.
That's why I'm the exact person not to go to Hawaii with.
You need to see that with your own eyes, not mine.
Are are you dumping me? Shit, Gloria, okay, fuck Hawaii.
We can go somewhere neither of us have been.
No, you're missing my point.
That's not what this is about, Adam, uh [SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm too old to be a part of your adventures, and you're too young to be a part of mine.
I'm about to be a grandmother.
That's what I'm doing right now.
So so, you're just done with me, huh? Just like that? No, I'm just being honest.
This is what's best for both of us.
Oh, come on, that's bullshit, Gloria.
- No.
- We got something, you and I.
What you scared for, huh? I don't care about no age difference.
This is not real, Adam.
This is a fantasy.
For both of us.
What's real is that opportunity that you have with Ralph, that you brushed off this morning to play hooky with me.
Don't you see how dangerous that is? - It was just one day.
- Fantasy is never one day.
Let me tell you something, there's pursuing the dream, and there's living in one.
And I think that it is time for both of us to wake up.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
Thanks.
[SCOFFS.]
- Hey.
- Funny set.
Oh, I thought the Jesus stuff kind of shit the bed.
The only thing harder for a comic to hear than he bombed is that he killed.
Yeah, maybe.
Um, could I just get a Coke for me, please? - Thank you.
- You're not hungry? I'm always starving after being onstage.
Um, I'm just like, a little light, right now.
Plus, I got stuff at home, so.
I'll spot you.
Gina.
Can I get another burger and fries, please? - Thanks, man.
- Sure.
It's kind of fucked up, when you think about it.
A hard night's work, and you still can't afford to eat.
- Oh, no man, it's - Come on.
You make a couple hundred people laugh.
They all buy drinks.
And Goldie rakes it in off your talent? And still won't pay you? Well, it's like she says, it's a school.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, Mitch, thank you for stopping up.
[MITCH.]
That Muhammad Ali.
I love having him in the club.
- "Thrilla in Manilla.
" - He's an entertainer, right? - He's amazing.
- One for the road, thank you.
Enjoy.
Um - What? - Oh, jeez.
I'm no good at this cat and mouse nonsense.
I, uh, I'm just going to come right out and ask you.
Mitch, did you fuck my daughter? What? - Simple question.
- Your daughter, Amanda? - You're not serious.
- I am dead fucking serious.
Well, I think it's time to call it a night.
No, no, no, not an answer is still an answer, Mitch.
I won't dignify that ugly question with an answer.
It was her 15th birthday.
I was late, you were here.
- You smoked a joint.
- Where is this coming from? Answer the goddamn question.
Hey, I watched that kid grow up in this club.
Wandering the halls with comics as babysitters.
You left her alone with comics and strangers - hundreds of times.
- It's not about my sins.
What would make you ask me such a vile question? Amanda, she told me what you did.
Well, then she's as fucked up as you are, and it's no mystery as to why.
We both know you pay to enjoy the company of young women.
Is it really such a stretch, Mitch? [EXHALES.]
Congratulations, Goldie.
We're done.
You still haven't denied it, Mitch.
What rabbit hole have I fallen into? [GOLDIE.]
Just tell me the goddamn truth! See a doctor, Goldie.
Don't walk away from me, Mitch! I'm not listening to this filth [GRUNTING.]
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my I am so sorry, Mitch.
Are you okay? What do you mean, you're sorry? He he didn't do it.
It wasn't him.
What, why did you say that? Because I didn't think you'd do anything.
Oh, my God, you're my child.
Of course I would, for God's sake.
- [GROANING.]
- Okay, oh, my God.
Look, I I didn't think she would Look, I am so sorry, Mitch.
I am so sorry.
Sweetheart, just go call an ambulance, huh? Okay.
Oh, Mitch, I'm so sorry.
It was Clay.
Only Clay.
- Gold? - Yeah? I think I left an unfinished scotch in your office.
Hi, Grajca.
I know.
I'm going after work to get a new pair today.
Black tape better.
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
Soup special, lentil.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I know it's early.
- No, no, it's okay.
Come in, come in, sweetheart.
Cass, what the hell happened? Uh, I don't want to do this anymore.
You ran out of there last night before the applause even ended.
I'm not talking about comedy.
- With your kid? - Not just him.
- With Eddie? - All of it.
This fucking life.
Jesse, Eddie, Nick.
I just want to Crawl out of my skin.
[SOBS.]
Okay, all right.
- I don't want to be here.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I just want it all to be over.
I want to be gone.
I just want it to be over.
I don't want to be here.
Shh, shh, shh, all right, Cass, all right.
[SOBS.]
Don't worry, I'm not going to jump in front of a bus.
- Okay, all right - But I wake up, and I open the curtains, and I look at the sun coming in, and all I can think is, "Well, Cass", how are you going to fuck up this beautiful day?" Cass, you got to get out of your head, sweetheart.
Yeah, and go where? All this shit you're piling up on top, you got to stop collecting it like evidence.
Trouble hangs its hat where it sees fit, and you just got to deal with it.
Yeah, I have been dealing with it.
- This is me dealing with it.
- I know, I know.
I know, it's okay.
You know, you made mistakes.
Real, perceived, shit.
We all do.
It'd be nice For once To just have a victory.
Just one clean Pure victory.
I hear you, sweetheart.
You came to the right bar.
[LAUGHS.]
I had an uncle.
Joel.
He was a bookie.
Black sheep of the family.
Which, of course, has made him my favorite.
And he used to always say, the best a gambler can hope for at the end of his life is to break even, hm? The best.
[LAUGHS.]
It's that way in life, Cass, hm? There are no clear victories out there.
It's always going to be muddied by the day-to-day shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're going to be okay, huh? You're going to get out of this okay.
- What if I can't? - You can.
How do you know? Because you're sitting on my sofa, and not in front of a fucking bus.
Hm? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Shit, man.
Way to defy a stereotype.
I just stayed up all night.
Jotted down some shit.
All right, let's take a look.
Let's see what you got.
When I was 11 I used to sit up nights at our kitchen table.
Sit up at 2 in the morning, and try to Undo what was already happening.
Try to rewrite my history.
Right in the middle of it.
Undo a conspiracy I was I was conned into believing was my idea.
The shame and the fear that come with it They're powerful weapons at any age.
But at 11? At 11, they are tantamount to death.
Not a Physical death, um A death of identity.
They say adversity shapes us, it molds us.
But In the case of abuse It just It warps.
We never grow straight and tall.
Always twisted and broken.
Seeing ourselves through the lens of someone else's torture and fucked up fantasy.
Every mirror A funhouse mirror.
The time prior The last we really Really saw of ourselves.
[RAPPING ON GLASS.]
Good morning, KROQ listeners.
I thought we'd start this morning off with an inspirational tune.
Here is Argent.
"Hold Your Head Up.
" ["HOLD YOUR HEAD UP" BY ARGENT.]
And if it's bad Don't let it get you down You can take it And if it hurts Don't let them see you cry
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here - I'm getting married.
- I always had a soft spot for men who could make people laugh.
- How soft? - Schlosser agreed to let you two make a pilot as part of Saul's deal.
[GRUNTS.]
Was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by and introduce myself to your son that you never mentioned.
I tried talking to Eddie.
I need to apologize.
- You need to leave.
- I have a son.
What kind of person walks away from their own child? [CASSIE.]
I blew my audition taking care of you.
I don't know when I'm gonna stop doing this shit.
Who do you think I lost my virginity to? A comic, when I was 15.
You tell me who you're talking about.
Roy! [ROY.]
I don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to be Roy Martin.
Have you seen a man, tall? Oh, fuck.
Roy! [JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
You, uh, get a hold of his daughter? Eh, she's skiing, some college thing.
She doesn't know nothing.
You okay? Right.
Um, I'm sorry.
[EXHALES.]
- Oh, Zeidel.
- Hm? I need the keys to the Caddy back.
Hm? He's embarrassed.
Licking his wounds somewhere, huh? Yeah.
Bam, biscuit, all right, welcome back, listeners, to "Kenny in the AM.
" And I'm here with comedian Nick Beverly, who is not a morning person.
Would you say that's correct there, Nicky? Um, could I get some more coffee? All right, sure, let's do that.
And how about a little sugar, Nicky, to wake you up? What are you thinking, one lump or two? - Uh, just black.
- All right, black it is for comedian Nick Beverly, who looks like something the cat thought about dragging in, reconsidered, and just went about his day.
Kenny, I have known you for a long time.
- Right.
- I understand the need - to be on.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to ask you to just take it down a notch, okay? Every time you open your mouth, it's like the Mexican soccer team scored a goal.
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry there, Nicky, but that's a big "no can do," because this is "Kenny in the AM"! [TRAIN WHISTLE.]
Not "Kenny, Post Mortem.
" [SLIDE WHISTLE.]
Nicky, let's talk about your decline, shall we? Word on the street is you're doing a lot of couch surfing as of late.
What's that like for someone at your age? You know, Kenny, I'm in between couches right now.
I'm sort of doing a back to nature thing.
A lot of park benches and, uh, bus stations, things like that.
You know, doing a real Henry David Thoreau sort of deal.
I don't know, I've been really into this idea about trying to survive in hostile elements, you know? Uh, historical change, or you know, natural decay.
But hey, maybe that's hard to fathom if there isn't a kazoo or a slide whistle backing me up.
Oh, bam biscuit, you are - You.
- What? Okay, we got a SIG alert, so stay tuned everybody, for Harvey in the Sky with traffic.
Traffic and weather Thoreau, really, is that what the fuck we're doing here? Any chance of you upping your energy? - I don't know.
- Jesus fucking Christ there, Nicky.
[SNIFFING.]
This show is about getting people to work.
Not back into fucking coffins.
Do you ever think that people might just want to, you know, just ease into their day? They don't want some coke-addled parrot being shoved up their fucking ass first thing in the morning? Can someone tell me where the funny fucking comics are, huh? Can someone please tell me where to find the funny fucking comics? [ROCK MUSIC.]
[RON GRUNTING.]
No.
- Oh, that's the one.
- Really? I don't know, it seems kind of - Sad? - Yeah.
Pathetic? The embodiment of stupidity? Desperation? Narcissism? - Kind of.
- Yeah, that's the one.
No, this is the one.
I mean, this is the most representative of the evening.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Don't let it hit you too hard, buddy.
Well, it's a fake.
Roy gave me a fake Rolex.
- What? - No way.
That would mean that Roy was a huge asshole.
I tried to pawn it.
Guy said it was worth 40 bucks.
Can you believe that? 40 fucking bucks.
Ed, I don't think you're going to find a less sympathetic audience right now.
Oh, right.
Definitely blame the iceberg, because that marriage was unsinkable.
Oh.
Let me guess, you still can't find him? No, that guy was my bread and butter, man.
And that's not saying a lot.
I think I'm just going to have to get back my shifts at Donimirski's.
Do you need money? I'll give you money.
No, thank you, but I already live here for free, so.
No, come on, I'll just float you till you get back on your feet.
There's no shame in that.
I got to agree with Ron on this one.
You know, I'm all for a step or two back, but Donimirski's? Shit's like the next state over.
Look, it's temporary, okay? And I just I want to do this one by myself.
Why? What do you mean, why? I mean, I understand the whole pull yourself up by your bootstrap thing, but what's the harm in a little financial aid? Plus, I don't want the house smelling like Poland's doing its laundry every time you come home.
Hey, Ron, why don't you focus on cementing the memories of your latest brush with mind-blowing stupidity and let me take care of me, okay? [AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[CAMERON.]
My boss is a real jerk.
I hate being his assistant.
I have to make tea for him every morning.
He's never once said thank you.
- He's a tea drinker? - Yeah.
Hey, Cameron, does he have a private stash? [CAMERON.]
Imported, Earl Grey.
Comes in a tin.
Okay, listen very closely, Cameron, because this is what I want you to do.
Tomorrow morning, I want you to go in a little bit early, I want you to take that tea bag out, okay, and I want you to fold it up real tight, and tuck it up under your manhood.
You are going to let it steep there for about 15 minutes, my friend.
Get a brisk walk going, do a few squats.
Whatever it is that really gets the Cameron essence going, you know? And I want you to take it out, you're going to add some boiling water, you're going to smile, and you're going to serve.
Is this the old family recipe there, Nicky? Thank you so much, listener.
All right, everybody, stay tuned because up next is sports, with your very own Matt Ravelich.
"Jock Talk" coming up.
[LAUGHS.]
- Nicky, that was a good show.
- Cool.
I mean, it started off slow, but the people really seemed to dig your angry down-and-out shit.
I mean, personally, I wanted to hook a fucking car battery up to my nuts every time you opened your mouth, but Phone lines don't lie.
Yeah, I think someone said there was going to be cookies.
- Are there cookies? - Hey! Cookies! Get the guy some fucking cookies, please! Nick, you like doing this? Um, I don't know, yeah.
Thanks.
What do you say you fill in for me a couple days? - Uh - No, listen to me.
My old lady's going to fucking kill me if I don't take a couple days off, so I'm thinking I pop up to San Francisco with her.
We see what's cooking up in the lab.
Hello, ha ha.
Nick, you're going to love doing this.
You get to choose any guests you want.
The shmucks behind the glass practically do everything, and this asshole right here will even write your jokes for you.
- What's it pay? - What's it pay? I'm sleeping on people's fucking couches? The station will take care of you, Nick.
I don't know, you really think I'm that good? Of course not.
But you're decent enough not to fuck up my show, and you're shitty enough that the people will be glad when I return.
- Shim sham.
- Nicky! There we go, baby.
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
I like beard.
Masculine, good.
Ah, thank you.
I like old Eddie hair better.
Less homosexual.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, hey, gotcha.
I really do appreciate this - More things.
- Okay.
Shoes falling apart.
You get new ones.
Oh, well, you know I sort of made a vow to myself that this would be my last pair of waiter shoes.
This restaurant, not Valley Forge.
Oh, and Eddie, I'm sorry.
No more comedy here.
Only folk singing.
Yeah, well, I don't think there ever really was comedy here, Grajca.
[LAUGHTER.]
[BILL.]
I'm just saying, your black television show needs a redheaded white male.
No, no, dude, you're going to blind people at home.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, if it isn't my two favorite people and Bill.
- Ah.
- Oh, hi, Nicholas.
William.
Heard you on "Kenny" this morning.
- Oh? - Yeah, you were fucking awful.
Yeah, man, nobody wants to contemplate life first thing in the morning.
That's a post-masturbation activity.
- I don't know, I liked it.
- [BILL.]
Oh, please.
The only reason you liked it is because he's been inside of your body, okay? If you had any objectivity, you'd call it what it was.
Ear rape.
Well, congratulations, Dawn.
You get to be my first on-air guest.
- Now look at that.
- Wait a minute.
- You got a show? - Mm-hmm.
"Kenny in the AM.
" Only I'm going to call it "Nicky and the Why The Fuck Am I Up So Early?" [LAUGHTER.]
[SLIDE WHISTLES.]
[QUACKS.]
- Wow.
- Yeah, he's taking a break for a week, he asked me to fill in begged, really.
He's going to take a whole week to do coke out of the studio? - Hurt! - I will see you tomorrow at eight o'clock.
Boys, I'm sorry you didn't make the cut, but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- Oh, thank you, I love those.
- [HUMOROUSLY VOCALIZES.]
[RALPH.]
It's so quiet, you can hear the drug use.
[AMANDA.]
Heard you this morning.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You have some thoughts you would like to share? Your zest for life is contagious.
It'll be awfully nice if those people got their drinks before the valet handed them their keys.
Thank you.
What are you up to? - Just heading out.
- That's what I thought.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Seriously? - What? It wasn't him.
Are you going to do this with every comic? Not if you tell me who it was.
It was a long time ago.
I don't care about it.
Just let it go.
I would have taken a bullet for you then, just as I would take a bullet for you now.
Hey, Eddie.
I got something for you.
No, I'm not really hungry, man.
No, it's not food.
Scott Woytowich? Who the hell is that? Agent over at CMA.
TV guy, covers writers.
Says Newhart's show is looking to staff.
I mentioned you working for Roy Martin; he was all over it.
That's fucking crazy, man! Thank you.
Oh, okay, okay.
Um, this is a little uncomfortable, Eddie.
- You know? - Thank you, man.
Eddie.
A job and my fries? Thank you.
Don't don't make it a thing.
Get the So basically, it's a game show sketch where white people try to convince us they've suffered just as much as black folk.
[ADAM.]
Yeah, it's called, "You Think You Got It Bad?" Yeah, and I'll be the host.
Jimmy Jam Johnson.
That sound good.
Y'all got it written up? Like, eight pages.
You know, it's a little rough, but it's definitely something.
I'ma split.
But I got places to be.
Hot date? Everything ain't about dating.
A girl can have other places to be.
[LAUGHS.]
[RALPH.]
We got to do a sketch about that.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why didn't you come over? Oh, I don't know, I guess I'm just not really Sure where I'm welcome anymore.
Oh, Cassie, they're still your friends.
I don't know, you ask me, this is a self-imposed exile.
You punishing you.
- That certainly fits the bill.
- Just lighten up on yourself.
Hey, do you want to get out of here and go get a drink or something? Shit, I can't.
I got plans.
- Okay, another time.
- Yeah.
- You cool? - Yeah, we're good.
No, um, I'm asking, are you cool? Oh, um I mean, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're cool.
Come on, you're cool.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm cool.
How about The Exorcist, if it was a little black girl? - Oh, shit.
- What's up? Oh, I got to go.
I'm dropping by Gloria's.
She's working tonight, so I'll catch you tomorrow.
- We got an early start.
- Yeah, whatever.
Shit starts shooting soon.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
Well, I tried to forget you Oh, I tried, oh, I have We had a love that was a good thing You've got some serious moves there, brother.
Hmm, a little bit, you know.
And you stopped at a florist for me.
Okay, truth be told, it was a gas station.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
It was either this, or a pack of Slim Jims.
You almost ready to go? Actually, I have some big news to share.
- What's up? - Maurice's girlfriend is having a baby, and uh, that means I'm going to be a grandmother.
[SCOFFS.]
- Well, congratulations, baby.
- I know, it's big news.
Shit, so what we doing staying here? Let's go celebrate.
Listen.
Not tonight.
They're waiting for me at the house.
They're going to have to move in with me for a while.
So there's a lot to talk about.
I'm sorry that I didn't call sooner, but I just found out myself.
Can I take a rain check? No, I feel that.
Any chance of it raining tomorrow? We'll see.
Just sorry you had to drive all the way out here.
You know you're always worth the trip, Gloria.
Come here.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Get you some rest.
You're going to need it, grandma.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Watch the dog Lord, yeah Everyone looks so happy.
Yeah, this is the only place in LA where you're welcome if you're black, brown, and gay.
[LAUGHTER.]
You don't exactly blend in.
Why, because of what I'm wearing? [LAUGHS.]
If someone asked me to dance, I can dance, right? It depends; are you any good? Uh, wait till you see.
Okay.
Oh, another thing.
- You see that light? - Yeah.
That thing lights up, it means a raid.
You see a guy, grab him and start dancing.
If a guy grabs you, act like he's your boyfriend.
That works? It's like musical chairs.
You don't find a seat, you could wind up with a billy club at your neck.
- Well, I don't want that.
- Right.
Hey, Cassie, this is my friend, Alvira.
- Alvira, Cassie.
- Hi, I'm Cassie.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Cass, grab us a table.
I'll get some drinks.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
How you know her? Oh, she's a comic from the club.
She's straight.
- Straight? - Mm-hmm.
The hell you bringing her here for? Well, she going through a tough time, needed a night out.
Well, ain't you the dyke with the heart of gold.
What's your problem? You aren't jealous? Hell, no.
I was hoping you was hitting on her.
Otherwise, you were just ashamed to introduce me as your girlfriend.
Shit, you keep on nagging me like that, I'm going to introduce you as my mother.
Alvira, it's a joke.
Oh, my God.
[MUSIC CHANGES TO PLAYFUL FUNK.]
Darling your love It's strong enough for two And I'll do anything You tell me to I could see your face Shining in the stars And no matter where you go I got to be where you are All because you got a good thing You got a good thing, baby I keep on telling you, baby I feel like I should tell you I'm not a lesbian.
Right, no one here is a lesbian.
No, no, really, I'm sorry.
I'm not a lesbian.
Then what the fuck are you doing here? In the wee, wee hours of the night But out of the blue, yeah You come to me And you make me feel So, I suppose you heard about Roy.
I heard he's missing.
Well, he's headlining here all week starting tomorrow.
At least, he was supposed to.
I thought maybe you'd like to step in.
Me? Not Adam? Yeah, you.
What do I get? What you usually get for headlining.
- Roy gets the door.
- Roy headlines in Vegas.
He's earned it.
You've done Carson.
And so, there's a rate for that, but it does not include the door.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, that's wrong, and you know it.
Wrong is a concept you're barely acquainted with, Billy.
None of you comics.
You express outrage where you should feel grateful.
You only want what's not been offered, and you take what isn't fucking yours.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
So don't talk to me about wrong.
At the end of his set, he goes, "And I'd like to introduce, Mr.
Eddie Zeidel.
" And I come back on stage for a second time, and he does it to me again.
- Oh.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, fucking nutter.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Four is my limit, thank you.
[EXHALES.]
Are you still writing for Roy? Um Yeah, you know, whenever he needs me.
- Sort of on call.
- Mm-hmm.
So, uh What happens next? Yeah, we'll take your sample packet.
- Okay.
- And I'll call Fred Davies.
He runs Newhart, and we'll tell him how much we love you.
How you're exactly what he's looking for.
Smash cut to a parking space at MTM.
Well, I might need to smash cut to a car first.
[LAUGHTER.]
[DOUG.]
So, I come home, and my albums are scattered like, everywhere, with these huge scratches gouged into them.
I mean, who does that? Freaking madness, right? Well, you know, if you think about it, madness is really, uh, sanity, just, you know, without the filter.
Wait, you slept with her sister.
- Yeah.
- And you calling up in here, whining because your Deep Purple albums got a couple scratches in them? You're lucky you ain't my boyfriend.
I wouldn't be scratching no albums.
Your manhood would be hanging from my rearview mirror like a pair of fuzzy dice.
Oh, that would make for one ugly air freshener.
- Hang up on this fool.
- Sorry, you heard the lady.
Bye-bye, Doug from Santa Monica.
- Bye-bye.
- Oof, wow.
- Wow.
- How? - He don't love her.
- No.
Doing the deed with your girlfriend's sister, that ain't love.
You don't need no "Love is not banging "your girlfriend's sister" comic strip to figure that one out.
- The "Love Is" comic strip.
- Mm-hmm.
The little naked couple with no private parts who keep telling us what love is.
Yeah, it's easy to tell people what love is when you have no genitalia.
Try throwing some reproductive organs into the mix, then you see how complex it is.
Exactly.
Yeah, hey, uh, let's take another caller.
KROQ listener, you are on with Nicky in the Morning, and The Crack of Dawn.
Uh, who do we got? [ALVIRA.]
Alvira, South Central.
Hi, Alvira from South Central.
[ALVIRA.]
I've learned you've got to be willing to be who you really are to get love.
Oh, sounds like someone's speaking from experience.
[ALVIRA.]
Yeah, I'm talking about my girlfriend.
Mm, girlfriends.
Had a few of those.
What did she do wrong? [ALVIRA.]
Well, she's a lesbian, through and through, but she acts like she's a tourist when she out with me.
So she's closeted, is what you're saying.
[ALVIRA.]
Well, got one foot out.
She brings a girl from work to a gay club, then introduces me as her friend.
- Ouch.
- Hold up.
Maybe she needs more time.
That pressure only going to make her run farther and faster.
[ALVIRA.]
She can run as much as she wants, but she can't run from herself.
And you're going to be the one to make that call for her? - How about you support her? - Mm.
You know, maybe it isn't about your time table.
[ALVIRA.]
So how long am I supposed to wait? My support only goes Uh Sorry, Alvira, looks like we lost you there.
Uh, hey, after the break, it's traffic and weather, so stick around.
[INDISTINCT RADIO AD PLAYING.]
Well.
She really got under your skin.
I'm hungry.
You know how I get when I'm hungry.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Gloria.
- [ADAM.]
Hey.
I got the house to myself.
What time you coming over? Adam, I never said for sure that I was coming over.
[ADAM.]
Oh, come on, Gloria.
Just play hooky with me.
[SCOFFS.]
[GLORIA.]
Wait a minute, are you actually playing hooky? Me? No, no, no, no.
It's just a figure of speech.
Uh-uh, do not blow this.
Do you understand? [ADAM.]
Okay, look, Gloria, I'm not blowing this.
Me and Ralph been going day and night.
I just thought that maybe a day off might be good.
You know, to get the creative juices flowing again.
Maybe recharge, how about that? And since you've been putting in so much work lately, I just felt like maybe we could recharge together, you know? Come on, Gloria, look.
I know that you're about to be a grandma, but that don't mean you got to start acting like one.
You're too much, you know that? Just come and have some fun with me, please.
Mark the words I tell you I tell you, each one is true Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
[HUMMING.]
I need you to leave, please.
- If I had a nickel.
- No, I'm serious, man.
Gloria's coming over, and I just want a little one on one.
You cool and all, but you not exactly atmosphere.
What what the fuck are you doing? My morning skinny dip.
Put your Mexican jumping bean away.
Edgar, you got 30 minutes, and then you need to be the fuck out of here, all right? - Come in.
- No, I'm serious, man.
You ever seen a naked man before? Jeez.
He'll be coming late, but I talked to him, and he'll definitely make an appearance.
I will take him for five minutes if Carson can spare it.
Well, just keep the drinks and the adoration coming, and chances are, he'll make a night of it.
Oh, thank you, Mitch.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I have a 12 noon tee time with Johnny.
Yeah.
Basically, I'm there to raise everybody else's self-esteem.
Thank you so much, Mitch.
Oh, oh, hey.
Tonight, Ali and his entourage are going to be here.
Why don't you stop by, huh? They're always fun.
Muhammad Ali, well, you won't get a fight out of me.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, you.
- Hey, Mitch.
Jesus, what? - Well, I know it wasn't Bill.
- What if it was Bill? - Or Edgar? - Manny? Or Ralph or Gabe or Al.
What are you going to do? Ruin them? They cower when they see your shadow.
Where's the sport in that? I am not going to ruin anybody.
I am your mother, and I need to know what happened.
Okay.
- I'll give you a hint.
- Mm-hmm? Mitch? Bullshit.
Mitch is my friend, and he's older than your father.
Even Mitch's wife won't screw Mitch.
Well, you wouldn't admit you believe me, even if you did.
[GASPS.]
Meaning? You'd never jeopardize your in with Carson.
I don't believe you.
Got to admit, it'd be pretty inconvenient if you did.
Because you've always been so reliable in the past? My 15th birthday.
We had a reservation at Musso and Franks.
I was waiting for you here with some of the comics, and you were at the Beverly Wilshire trying to convince Carlin to do a New Year's Eve show.
You kept pushing the reservation later.
Mitch was having drinks with someone.
We went outside, smoked a joint, and then [SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
No.
Well, why would you do that? Because it was my birthday, and you weren't there.
He was.
Rough me up.
Yeah? - How's that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it, that's it.
[MOANING.]
That's it, slap me.
- What? - Slap me.
- I'm not going to slap you.
- Come on, fucking slap me! - I'm not going to - Come on! - What are you waiting for? - Whoa, whoa, hey.
Just like Okay, I'm, uh, sorry [BOTH EXHALE.]
She was talking about me.
Who was talking about you? That caller.
Alvira.
She's my girlfriend.
[AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
And not Not telling anybody Pretending It's like poison.
[EXHALES.]
Fuck it.
What if you did [SCOFFS.]
Tell them the truth? I'm scared.
I'm scared I'll disappear.
And all they'll see is that.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
Mm.
Mm.
Hey.
Oh, hey, man.
Lunch already? Well, I'm a little early.
I just wanted to check out the menu, you know? It's lobster bisque day today.
You know it's commissary food, right? Lobster bisque is basically cream of pink.
Ain't no lobster in there for $1.
99.
Yeah, well, either way, I'm fucking starved.
Adam threw me out before I could have breakfast because Gloria's coming over.
- Say again? - Gloria, yeah.
He wanted to be alone with her, so he asked me to leave.
This motherfucker told me he was sick so he could have sex with Gloria? He did sound like he had a nose thing.
Save it, Edgar.
Well, let's not jump to conclusions, okay? She's old; he could be reading to her.
This thing shoots in four weeks, and this motherfucker is fucking his wom mm! [GROOVY MUSIC.]
[ADAM.]
These are the perks of our work.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So you glad you skipping school now? Mm-hmm.
You are a cool grandma, though.
I'll give you that.
The coolest thing my grandma ever did was kill a damn alligator with a shovel.
Now, that's pretty fucking cool.
But you need to stop with that grandma shit.
Mm, age ain't nothing but a number anyways, right? Well, that's when it's your age.
- Mm! - That's oh! Damn.
You ever been to Hawaii? Yeah, many times.
Yeah, well, I ain't never been there.
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
First thing I'm going to do when this money start coming in, is I'm taking you.
And you being there already, it's going to be perfect, because you can show us exactly where to go.
- You got big plans, don't you? - Damn straight.
[BOTH YELLING.]
What the fuck? Sorry ass motherfucker! [GROOVY MUSIC.]
[GRAJCA.]
Eddie, where are new shoes? You look like man with shopping cart who always want to use restroom.
Oh, I know, Grajca, I know, I said I'd buy a new pair of shoes, but there actually might be a little change of plans.
I buy you shoes, you pay me back.
I think I might have a writing job.
It's nothing certain, but there's a good chance I might not be here long.
Wear those shoes, very good chance.
I know, Grajca, but if you can just give me two weeks, I promise you, if nothing happens, I will buy a new pair.
Weeks? Shoes dangerous.
What if you trip, fall, break neck, spill soup? You know, there's a little bit of a mixed message on where your priorities lie.
But I promise you that won't happen.
In Poland, we have saying.
"Jak cie widza, tak cie pisza.
" How they see you is how they perceive you.
Your ass in here dressed like a geisha girl, this some shit.
Ralph, just calm down, man.
It's just one day.
We've been going nonstop ever since this shit got picked up.
They all one day; we need every single one of them.
What did you think this was going to be like? - We shoot in four weeks.
- Exactly.
Four weeks, man.
Come on, half of the sketches are already written up.
- You know that.
- Half the sketches.
Half ain't shit, Adam! What? Oh, you think this town give a shit about your dreams? About your voice? About you being the next Pryor? This is a fucking business.
And if you don't treat it like a business, you're going to be out of it.
I take this shit every bit as serious as you do.
Really? Are you sure we talking about the same shit? Apologize, man.
- No, Adam - No, Gloria.
Fucking apologize.
You need to back up off me, Adam.
I brought your ass along, man.
Adam, it was a shoebox full of scrap papers.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
I meant no offense.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Okay, so, I went to a lesbian club the other night.
[CHEERS.]
Yeah, and I got asked to dance right away, which does not happen to me in regular clubs, I will have you know.
Yeah, the whole night really got me thinking, and I think it might be time for me to get sober.
Penis sober.
[LAUGHTER.]
Now, I know what you're thinking, which is what I was thinking, which is, lesbian sex is just a couple girls in matching PJs having a tickle fight.
But, I'm here to tell you, those ladies like to get down, okay? [CHEERS.]
Now, that's someone you should pay attention to or what? Hey, I love Cassie.
But, that material.
Oh, no, no, no, she's just flapping her wings tonight.
She's got plenty of material for The Tonight Show, huh? It's not me; it's Johnny.
He doesn't care for female comics.
He thinks it's vulgar for the fairer sex to talk like men.
Why, thank you, darling.
Mmm-mmm-mm.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
They have great ones, fantastic.
Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.
- Customer that way.
- No, Grajca, I can't.
You don't understand, I can't wait on him.
Well, he wears shirt, he wears shoes, you serve.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't understand, I just met this man for a job this morning.
This man knows me as the guy who writes for Roy Martin.
Not as a Not as a waiter.
What difference? Is honest living.
No, I you said so yourself.
How they see you is how they perceive you.
And if this guy sees me as a waiter, you can kiss the writing gig good-bye.
Eddie, you're the only waiter here.
Do job please.
- Grajca! - Do job, Eddie.
- Grajca! - Zz! - [GRUNTS.]
- Zz! [GRUNTS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Fancy meeting you here.
Can we get a couple of iced teas to start? Just the iced teas for now.
We're going to need a minute.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Two iced teas, coming right up.
Thank you.
Guy has no idea who I am.
I'm glad your secret identity as waiter is safe.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
[MAN.]
Give it up for Cassie Feder.
Oh, hi.
Phew.
So you're a lesbian now? What? I took you to my place.
To my world.
I didn't say use it for some bullshit set.
Oh, okay.
Are you upset because I used something that I experienced - and put it onstage? - Oh, you experienced? Five minutes on the dance floor grinding on some dyke makes you a lesbian? Tell me, Cassie, what the fuck did you experience? Uh This is ridiculous.
I don't know what to say.
I don't have to explain to you how this works.
No, no, no, no, no, tell me, what did you experience? You've been shunned by your friends and family? You ever walk around every minute of every day with a time bomb inside of you that can erase every trace of who you are? Yes, I fucking have.
You are not the only one with secrets, my friend.
Everybody got secrets, Cassie.
There's a big difference between having one and being one.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
- Everything good? - Yeah.
You guys make the best pirogies.
Anything else I can get you? Dessert, coffee? - Just the check.
- Right.
Kind of late for coffee, especially considering the four you had at breakfast.
What are you? Are you some kind of Amazing Kreskin? You you you really have no idea who I am? Um Eddie Zeidel.
Adam Proteau's friend.
We had breakfast this morning, right.
Me, you, Bryan Watson, you're CMA, We met about the opening on the Newhart show.
Right, exactly.
It's I'm sorry.
It's out of context.
I couldn't place you.
Well, I really must have made some impression.
No, you you were great, we loved you.
I mean, you write for Roy Martin.
Of course I remember you.
You're a funny guy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
What? There is no Newhart show for me, is there? Look, cards on the table.
Adam Proteau is going to be a star.
So you know, he tells me his friend needs a gig, I'm buying breakfast.
Oh, okay, so what you're basically telling me is that this morning was a total waste of both of our time.
No, I'm not saying that at all.
Now you're on my radar.
Right.
And how long does it go from being on your radar to something actually happening? [STAMMERING.]
I you know I uh I don't know.
I really I don't know.
Um I'm not the Amazing Kreskin, either.
Hi.
Let's After you, okay, okay.
[SCOTT.]
Thank you.
[LAUGHTER.]
And I'm in a long distance relationship right now, because that's the way that most of the women I date prefer it.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't understand why long distance relationships get such a bad rap, right? Because, if you think about it, every major religion that we have is based on a long distance relationship with God.
Right, and no one ever gives you grief for being in a long distance relationship with God, right? No one's ever like, wait, you're in a long distance thing with Jesus? [LAUGHTER.]
But you guys, you can't talk, you can't touch.
Sometimes, Jesus just like, disappears for three days.
He's like, hey, I'm actually back.
I'm actually not dead.
I could never do that.
He's good.
- Yeah, he's good.
- I mean, he's not great.
But you know, this place is a kiln.
And he's a ball of clay waiting to get fired into a pot.
A funny pot.
All right, guys, that's my time.
I'm Brendan Sibler.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Up next, it is my honor to welcome to the stage the very funny Bill Hobbs! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, how about that? Brendan Sibler, you guys, huh? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, a little bird told me that I'd be performing tonight for the greatest boxer of all time.
So whoever has the ashes of Rocky Marciano, please raise the urn over your head right now.
Where are you? No, of course, I'm kidding, because right now, tonight, ladies and gentleman, you're in the presence of greatness.
The greatest, the champ, Muhammad Ali is right there.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, champ, I read some of your poetry.
There's one thing you're not the greatest at, huh? Oof.
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER.]
The only thing worse than your poetry is your military service record.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm just kidding.
Please, please don't hurt me.
[LAUGHTER.]
I have a family that doesn't like me, please, please.
Muhammad Ali, you guys.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah.
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
Oh.
- That's delicious.
- Yeah.
My mom taught me.
She used to work for this lady that showed her how.
Said that the secret was a little bit of nutmeg.
Mm-hmm.
You miss your mother, huh? Yeah, I think about her all the time.
What I would do for her when I made it.
I'm sure your happiness is reward enough, because, you know, that's all any ever mother wants for her child, their happiness.
- You should know, huh? - Yeah, it's not easy raising a man, and I raised two.
- First one was my husband.
- Oh! We were 18 when we got married.
Didn't know shit from shinola, the two of us.
And then, boom, Maurice came along.
And I did the best I could with both of them.
- Well, I'm sure you did.
- God knows I tried.
I gave it all that I had.
And I don't want to do it again.
You You saying you think you got to raise me too? No, not exactly.
It's just, I've already been to Hawaii, you know? Exactly, that's why you the perfect person to go with, baby.
You know everything.
That's why I'm the exact person not to go to Hawaii with.
You need to see that with your own eyes, not mine.
Are are you dumping me? Shit, Gloria, okay, fuck Hawaii.
We can go somewhere neither of us have been.
No, you're missing my point.
That's not what this is about, Adam, uh [SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm too old to be a part of your adventures, and you're too young to be a part of mine.
I'm about to be a grandmother.
That's what I'm doing right now.
So so, you're just done with me, huh? Just like that? No, I'm just being honest.
This is what's best for both of us.
Oh, come on, that's bullshit, Gloria.
- No.
- We got something, you and I.
What you scared for, huh? I don't care about no age difference.
This is not real, Adam.
This is a fantasy.
For both of us.
What's real is that opportunity that you have with Ralph, that you brushed off this morning to play hooky with me.
Don't you see how dangerous that is? - It was just one day.
- Fantasy is never one day.
Let me tell you something, there's pursuing the dream, and there's living in one.
And I think that it is time for both of us to wake up.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC.]
Thanks.
[SCOFFS.]
- Hey.
- Funny set.
Oh, I thought the Jesus stuff kind of shit the bed.
The only thing harder for a comic to hear than he bombed is that he killed.
Yeah, maybe.
Um, could I just get a Coke for me, please? - Thank you.
- You're not hungry? I'm always starving after being onstage.
Um, I'm just like, a little light, right now.
Plus, I got stuff at home, so.
I'll spot you.
Gina.
Can I get another burger and fries, please? - Thanks, man.
- Sure.
It's kind of fucked up, when you think about it.
A hard night's work, and you still can't afford to eat.
- Oh, no man, it's - Come on.
You make a couple hundred people laugh.
They all buy drinks.
And Goldie rakes it in off your talent? And still won't pay you? Well, it's like she says, it's a school.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, Mitch, thank you for stopping up.
[MITCH.]
That Muhammad Ali.
I love having him in the club.
- "Thrilla in Manilla.
" - He's an entertainer, right? - He's amazing.
- One for the road, thank you.
Enjoy.
Um - What? - Oh, jeez.
I'm no good at this cat and mouse nonsense.
I, uh, I'm just going to come right out and ask you.
Mitch, did you fuck my daughter? What? - Simple question.
- Your daughter, Amanda? - You're not serious.
- I am dead fucking serious.
Well, I think it's time to call it a night.
No, no, no, not an answer is still an answer, Mitch.
I won't dignify that ugly question with an answer.
It was her 15th birthday.
I was late, you were here.
- You smoked a joint.
- Where is this coming from? Answer the goddamn question.
Hey, I watched that kid grow up in this club.
Wandering the halls with comics as babysitters.
You left her alone with comics and strangers - hundreds of times.
- It's not about my sins.
What would make you ask me such a vile question? Amanda, she told me what you did.
Well, then she's as fucked up as you are, and it's no mystery as to why.
We both know you pay to enjoy the company of young women.
Is it really such a stretch, Mitch? [EXHALES.]
Congratulations, Goldie.
We're done.
You still haven't denied it, Mitch.
What rabbit hole have I fallen into? [GOLDIE.]
Just tell me the goddamn truth! See a doctor, Goldie.
Don't walk away from me, Mitch! I'm not listening to this filth [GRUNTING.]
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my I am so sorry, Mitch.
Are you okay? What do you mean, you're sorry? He he didn't do it.
It wasn't him.
What, why did you say that? Because I didn't think you'd do anything.
Oh, my God, you're my child.
Of course I would, for God's sake.
- [GROANING.]
- Okay, oh, my God.
Look, I I didn't think she would Look, I am so sorry, Mitch.
I am so sorry.
Sweetheart, just go call an ambulance, huh? Okay.
Oh, Mitch, I'm so sorry.
It was Clay.
Only Clay.
- Gold? - Yeah? I think I left an unfinished scotch in your office.
Hi, Grajca.
I know.
I'm going after work to get a new pair today.
Black tape better.
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
Soup special, lentil.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I know it's early.
- No, no, it's okay.
Come in, come in, sweetheart.
Cass, what the hell happened? Uh, I don't want to do this anymore.
You ran out of there last night before the applause even ended.
I'm not talking about comedy.
- With your kid? - Not just him.
- With Eddie? - All of it.
This fucking life.
Jesse, Eddie, Nick.
I just want to Crawl out of my skin.
[SOBS.]
Okay, all right.
- I don't want to be here.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I just want it all to be over.
I want to be gone.
I just want it to be over.
I don't want to be here.
Shh, shh, shh, all right, Cass, all right.
[SOBS.]
Don't worry, I'm not going to jump in front of a bus.
- Okay, all right - But I wake up, and I open the curtains, and I look at the sun coming in, and all I can think is, "Well, Cass", how are you going to fuck up this beautiful day?" Cass, you got to get out of your head, sweetheart.
Yeah, and go where? All this shit you're piling up on top, you got to stop collecting it like evidence.
Trouble hangs its hat where it sees fit, and you just got to deal with it.
Yeah, I have been dealing with it.
- This is me dealing with it.
- I know, I know.
I know, it's okay.
You know, you made mistakes.
Real, perceived, shit.
We all do.
It'd be nice For once To just have a victory.
Just one clean Pure victory.
I hear you, sweetheart.
You came to the right bar.
[LAUGHS.]
I had an uncle.
Joel.
He was a bookie.
Black sheep of the family.
Which, of course, has made him my favorite.
And he used to always say, the best a gambler can hope for at the end of his life is to break even, hm? The best.
[LAUGHS.]
It's that way in life, Cass, hm? There are no clear victories out there.
It's always going to be muddied by the day-to-day shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're going to be okay, huh? You're going to get out of this okay.
- What if I can't? - You can.
How do you know? Because you're sitting on my sofa, and not in front of a fucking bus.
Hm? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Shit, man.
Way to defy a stereotype.
I just stayed up all night.
Jotted down some shit.
All right, let's take a look.
Let's see what you got.
When I was 11 I used to sit up nights at our kitchen table.
Sit up at 2 in the morning, and try to Undo what was already happening.
Try to rewrite my history.
Right in the middle of it.
Undo a conspiracy I was I was conned into believing was my idea.
The shame and the fear that come with it They're powerful weapons at any age.
But at 11? At 11, they are tantamount to death.
Not a Physical death, um A death of identity.
They say adversity shapes us, it molds us.
But In the case of abuse It just It warps.
We never grow straight and tall.
Always twisted and broken.
Seeing ourselves through the lens of someone else's torture and fucked up fantasy.
Every mirror A funhouse mirror.
The time prior The last we really Really saw of ourselves.
[RAPPING ON GLASS.]
Good morning, KROQ listeners.
I thought we'd start this morning off with an inspirational tune.
Here is Argent.
"Hold Your Head Up.
" ["HOLD YOUR HEAD UP" BY ARGENT.]
And if it's bad Don't let it get you down You can take it And if it hurts Don't let them see you cry