It's a Date (2013) s02e08 Episode Script
Should You Take A Date To A Wedding?
# Theme music (Phone rings) NATALIE: Hello? Hi.
Have you done it yet? No, not yet.
You? No.
I've been sitting in the car for 45 minutes pretending this is not gonna be the most humiliating thing that anybody has ever done, ever.
You're a salesman.
Yeah, I sell stationery.
Alright, missy, remember that you have got to bring a date on Saturday too.
OK? That was part of the deal.
Yeah, I will.
(Man shouts on loudspeaker) Soon as he puts down the megaphone.
Corporate greed.
Climate change.
Global warming.
OK.
I'm going in.
(Sighs) TOM: Did you see last night? I think this makes me a bad person, but it was pretty disgusting.
There was this one guy who weighed in at 180kg.
He was trying to lose weight for his wedding, you know.
How does an obese forklift driver hook up and yet I'm still single? It makes no sense.
I love it when they take their singlets off for the weigh in.
Like that's gonna make a difference.
I know who the biggest loser is.
Me.
For watching the entire season and not getting out there and meeting somebody.
How is the Lite'N'Easy by the way, Pete? (Bell chimes) The Students' Social, Political, Economic, Environmental Action Committee or SPEEAC, taking membership now from anyone here with a conscience.
So speak up, and together we can save the world.
Thank you.
(Claps) That was that was amazing.
Oh, thank you.
It's it's a pity about the weather, you know.
Think it kept a few people away.
You're Natalie, right? Yeah, yeah.
I was at the Save the Orange-bellied Parrot rally last week.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know how you do it.
I do it because I care.
I was listening and just thinking, 'Where do I sign up?' Right over there, like I like I mentioned.
Right.
If you were listening.
No, I've already actually signed up a couple of times, but I can sign up again, yeah.
Um, do you wanna come to a wedding with me? Not not ours, obviously.
(Chuckles nervously) No Couldn't even get a word out, not even a sound.
Normal people pretend to cough or do something.
So what was your plan of attack, son? Well, I was gonna give him this.
It's like Sellotape, but it's not the normal kind.
It's got this sort of matte finish on it, sort of blends into the thing you're sticking it to.
It's called Magic Tape.
Struth, Romeo.
I tell you what, this wedding Yeah, tell me all about it.
I've been shaking glitter out of me private parts for four days after I opened that bloody invitation.
Maybe I shouldn't take anyone to the wedding, because I'm a groomsman and Dean will want me to focus on that.
Seriously, who puts glitter in an envelope? It's madness! Dad reckons like Ava's parents might have weird thing, like a cultural sensitivity thing.
Look, why don't you just go out there and ask him to your brother's wedding? It's alright for you.
You've already been through all this.
Not everyone knows I'm out yet Out? Out where? Out, like gay.
Look, I know things have changed since the day that I took your Nan to St Stephen's dinner dance back in 1949.
Really? I thought you guys met on Tinder.
Ah, young man, she was a vision.
Old Captain Happy would stand to attention Oh, God! OK, that's quite enough, thank you.
Look, it doesn't matter whether it's 1949 or 2000 Yeah.
If no-one makes the first move, then bugger all happens.
What's the sense in that? TOM: Alright, Doug, it's medication time.
I've got more drugs than an end-of-season footy trip.
Hey, Mark.
Good, thanks.
Keeping out of trouble, you old codger? Well, young Mark here has got a question he'd like to ask you.
Thanks, Grandad.
Um Um See, the thing is Just hang on for a minute, son.
I'll give you two boys a little bit of privacy.
Wait till I get the old plug out.
Away you go.
Uh I was just wondering that you know, if you .
.
if you don't have anything on this Saturday (High-pitched tone, muffled speech) .
.
brother's wedding.
My my older brother, Dean, he's marrying his wife.
His girlfriend, fiancee actually.
Her name's Ava.
They've only known each other for a year, but they are so in love.
She's Chinese, so there'll be like firecrackers and a lion Not a real lion, obviously, a Chinese lion.
But my aunty and uncle got Bali belly and can't fly home.
So there's two spare seats, but that's probably not important.
But my family will be there.
They're pretty daggy and it'll probably be embarrassing for me, but free food and drink, it'll be fun, you know.
Do you eat or drink? How about this? You sign your name to this petition to strengthen the Kyoto treaty, and I promise you I'll come to your brother's wedding.
Deal? It's a date.
A wedding? Bit of a big deal, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, look, sorry, it's not a big deal.
I can I can ask someone else.
Do you wanna ask someone else? Uh, no.
I kinda wanna ask you.
(Scoffs) What do you think, Doug? (Snores) Oh, here.
This too Oh.
TOM: It's, um, Sellotape.
MARK: It's Magic Tape.
(Cheering and applause) Come on, everybody, flash mob time! Hit it! # RETRO MUSIC Come on, get up, guys.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, da-da-da-da! Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba! Come on! (Hums tunelessly) Whoa! Doo-ta, doo-ta.
(Hums tunelessly) (Mumbles excitedly) .
.
see the goddamn video.
(Speaks indistinctly) Jake.
(Camera clicks) You're just gonna sit down there.
Sorry.
(Speaks indistinctly) (Applause) (Low chatter) PHOTOGRAPHER: Beautiful.
Saw this wedding party take their photos the other day on the steps of Parliament.
How idiotic is that, you know? A building where laws are passed with the express purpose of repressing the people.
This is nice, though, you know.
The steps are raked, so you get nice levels with the photos.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess it's nice to have a multicultural wedding.
More people should have families with other races.
There'll be less wars.
Not surprised you got a rellie taking the photos, Ava.
They love their cameras, don't they? (Laughs) I'm guessing we're not sitting together at at the reception.
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
I didn't really think about it.
Sorry.
Um Bridal party, please.
Hey, Mark, you wanna get in there? Oh.
After this, I'm all yours.
Yeah.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Big day for the family.
First cab off the rank.
Look, he may not have mentioned it, but it might be a a good idea to keep public displays of affection to a minimum.
The Chinese have a different view on these things.
Don't get me wrong.
We're very proud of Mark.
He was absolutely shitting himself when he told us.
Bit like when I told his mum I'm going on another golf weekend.
Well, I guess both involve stroke play.
PHOTOGRAPHER: OK, both families now.
(Low chatter) You boys jumping in the photo? No, I'm good, thanks.
Tom? No, I'm fine.
I don't wanna show up the bride.
Oh, too good for a photo, are you, rock stars?! Uncle Roy, you're embarrassing Nathan.
Nah, the boys'll be fine.
There's probably not enough room anyway.
Come on, guys, you're part of the day.
Come on.
Just take the photo! If I'm in, you're in too.
(Cheering) Come on, guys.
Come on, Tom.
Attaboy.
Sorry.
You will be.
Uh, Nathan, is it? Yeah.
I might get you in the back.
Keep going, little further.
Maybe a little bit further back.
Alright, perfect.
Alright, everybody smile, you're at a wedding.
Whoo! Nice! How about you come over to the photo booth with me and we can make an Uncle Roy toasted sandwich? (Cackles) Oh, you're joking.
So your brother's gay, huh? Yeah.
He just came out this year, and only to the immediate family, so Maybe don't broadcast it across the reception.
Dad thinks it might be a bit culturally insensitive to Ava's relatives, so If I had a choice, I'd be gay.
Gay people are more interesting.
Heteros are so God, hetero.
I'm I'm not sure what you mean.
Not many people do.
Please welcome Dean and Ava.
(Cheering and applause) (Traditional Chinese drums play) WOMAN: Beautiful.
Look at them, aw.
(Low chatter, soft music) How are you? Good to see you.
(Chuckles) Oh, cracker.
I thought you'd be a vego for sure, Nathan.
Bruce, leave the poor kid alone.
Don't talk about poor children in front of Nathan.
Did you know? Here we go.
Did you know that one in ten kids in Africa Don't know what they're missing out on.
Can you pass me the dead horse, love? That's tomato sauce.
So, Nathan, what do you hope to be? I don't hope to be anything, Bruce.
I hope to evolve.
Now you're a monkey, son? Grandad.
I think what Nathan means is What I mean is that your generation's got stuck in its ways, refused to embrace a changing world and that's why we're stuck in this mess.
What mess do you mean, darl? Well you know I mean, the fact that you can't see it says it all.
Mind if I take a few shots, guys? It would be a pity to be all dressed up and not get a photo.
We all got cameras in our pockets, though, mate.
I hope you're not thinking of opening a a camera shop 'cause both cameras and shops are redundant.
I mean, it would be like trying to open a laserdisc repair business or something.
What's a bloody laserdisc? Sure, I'll I'll have a photo.
AVA: Mark, how's your date going? Swimmingly.
Yes, yes.
We are thinking of moving in together.
Yeah.
You might wanna go and say hello to him before it officially becomes a long-distance relationship.
Go on.
Go on.
Attaboy.
So nervous.
So cute.
(Choked voice) It was a group email.
Writing your thesis there? No, just a couple of thoughts.
Mark, hey! Stop it, you are making a fool of yourself.
Hey.
How's it going? Couldn't be happier if I was twins.
Uh, could I see you outside for a sec for the thing? Uh, sure.
Good.
Back soon, Shu.
Careful of Doug.
He's got that twinkle in his eye.
Just going out for a kick of the footy, Shu.
Just two good mates, eh? What's this? That is the bomboniere.
The bomba-what? The bomboniere.
It's like a little gift from Dean and Ava.
You mind holding it for a bit? So I can get a photo of you with it.
Sure.
I think your parents' marriage is gonna be over soon, but the good news is your grandad is gonna be knee deep in Miss Saigon by the time the night's out.
Look, I know that's Vietnamese and they're Chinese and that's What are you? Shit, sorry.
Shit, sorry.
I should've asked.
No, it's not I'm sorry.
I should've asked you.
I just I mean, I've barely seen you tonight.
Your grandad has more right to kiss me than you do.
Yeah, but Grandad's not gay.
And you're barely out.
Everybody knows I'm out.
Maybe you invited me because you knew we wouldn't be seated together.
You know, avoid a spectacle.
Dad, he just thinks I know, the Chinese, yadda-yadda-yadda.
It's alright for you.
I mean, you're like some professional gay guy.
You're so good at being gay with your gay sandalwood-smelling hair, and your gay ChapStick for your gay lips, and I'm just some amateur gay guy who shops at Rivers, and everybody loves you My parents haven't spoken to me in four years.
My last boyfriend decided to surprise his family with his new gay life by inviting me to Christmas lunch.
But somewhere between the Kris Kringle and shrimp cocktail he decided he wasn't gay anymore.
So I went from being his new boyfriend to his old mate from basketball.
Shit.
(Sighs) Look, it wasn't easy for me to come here today, but you know, I came because I like you and But I barely know you and that's what first dates are about, you get to know each other.
I tell you my favourite movie, you tell me yours.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about everything that's happened so far.
Let's just start again and for the rest of the night we'll just hang out, OK? OK.
So what is your favourite movie? Mark! Mark, there you are.
Sorry.
Ava's gonna crack it big time.
Jacob's lost his voice.
Can you do the speech for him? (Husky voice) I thought I could get through it, but I can't.
Sorry.
Alright, good on ya, mate.
Sorry.
Thank you.
(Brothers talk together) I really appreciate you coming all this way.
Thank you so much.
Sorry, I'm just getting in the queue.
I just wanted to say how beautiful you look today.
Aw! Right back at you, brand-new sister.
I have a sister.
Can I do the sisterly thing and ask how your date is going with Nathan? He does seem to be spending a lot of time on his phone.
Sorry, I sound like our parents.
No, no, it's fine.
I know he can seem a bit intense, but he's so inspiring with all the stuff he does.
He's got this blog called SPEEAC which actually it's S-P-E-E-A-C, which stands for What's wrong? I, um I'll be two seconds, OK? OK.
Not bad scotch, that.
I prefer fair trade, but single What's this? .
.
malt will do.
It's my SPEEAC blog.
'How many Africans miss out on a year's worth of meals just so the Chinese princess can have a nice day?' 'They call it a bomboniere.
What'll the poor tell me to do with this?' What would they say? You attached a photo of me with it.
I don't usually put people I know in my blog, see.
Why did you even come here? You asked me to.
And now I'm asking you to leave.
What? It's not my fault weddings are a a circus of self-obsession, you know, like a catalogue of vanity.
Nathan, this is my family.
If my sister-in-law wants to have commemorative teaspoons and a cake the size of my car, then what's wrong with that? Look, I know on the surface today might look like it's about the champagne and the fancy dresses, but it means more than that, and I I cannot believe that I chose you to be here to be a part of it.
You're in our family photos.
There are people in Uganda who don't even know what a photo is.
What if we all gave up our cameras? Nathan, your dad drives a BMW and your mum plays more tennis than Roger Federer.
Mum broke her hamstring.
She didn't play for like two months.
So, I know what you can do with your bomboniere.
You can shove it up your bum.
Oi! Anyone shoving up anything up their bum here will be your brother! (Gasping) Alright, I am sorry about that unfortunate remark.
It isn't in line with my attitudes towards the LGBT community.
Nathan, fuck off.
(Sniggering) Do you have my? Has anybody seen my phone? Do I have to do this? I hate public speaking.
Remember my speech at Dad's 60th? My hands were shaking so much, everyone thought I had Parkinson's.
You heard his voice.
He sounds like he's been smoking nonstop since childbirth.
Are you sure I'm the right person? Like maybe Uncle Roy or OK.
You're my brother.
Of course you're the right person.
Read whatever he wrote, except may .
.
maybe just leave out the Thailand references.
Um, out of context they can sound a bit Culturally insensitive.
Culturally insensitive.
Culturally insensitive, OK.
Seriously, I need my phone.
Seriously! There's there's stuff on it! (Chuckling) Oh, my God! Are you doing duckface? Oi! Why are you doing that? Who has my phone? (Laughter) Shit! Don't go to the next photo! Don't Oh! What is that? Oh, very small spring roll.
NO! TOM: What's going on? Alright, that is not mine.
I definitely put a filter on mine.
What are you doing here, man? You should be protesting this shit! And you should stop taking pictures of your dick.
Or, I mean, at least use Snapchat.
Everybody knows Snapchat's for dick pics.
What's a bloody Snapchat? I want my phone back! (Laughter) Mark? Um, it's speech time, guys.
OK.
Thanks, mate.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what's with the finger? I'll see you guys in there.
Yeah, no worries, yeah.
MAN: And now please welcome, to give the best man speech, the groom's brother, Mark.
(Applause) Whoo-hoo! Thanks.
Uh, hi, everyone.
Uh, I'm Mark and Here we go, he's shaking like a shagging dog.
Um Um, first off, as is tradition, let me thank the bridesmaids.
I wouldn't kick any of you out of bed for fighting.
(Laughs) Classic! (Murmuring) Um.
.
Uh I I just wanna say that I'm really jealous of my brother Dean, because he was my moody big brother.
WOMAN: Aw.
That was until the day he took his kelpie for a walk, and on that walk he met Ava.
And all of a sudden, my big brother went from being this .
.
moody, depressed, emo, sad sack guy to being the happiest, most positive big brother a little brother could ask for.
So, to Dean and Ava.
WOMAN: Yeah, Dean and Ava.
ALL: Dean and Ava.
(Chuckling) And another thing.
Um, see see that guy there? His name's Tom and he's not my old mate from basketball.
He's a guy I like.
He's a guy I like a lot, and I don't know if it's going anywhere, but I just want everyone to know that he is my date tonight.
And, Tom, I'm sorry I haven't spent much time with you today, but if we can get through tonight, then maybe I'd just like to take you to dinner or something, just the two of us.
(Applause) By the way, The Shining is my favourite movie.
I like The Shining.
Now, Dean and Ava, get your arses on the dance floor.
Whoo! Yeah! # SLOW JAZZ Here he is, Mr Speechmaker.
You really stepped up to the plate up there.
How was it? Was it alright? It was perfect.
I mean, Doug slept through most of it, but I'll show him the video later.
Glad you liked it.
So, The Shining, eh? Yep.
I tell most people my favourite film is A Clockwork Orange.
But Really, it's Along Came Polly.
I've not seen Clockwork Orange.
It sounds really weird and gross.
It is, it is, yeah.
Do you wanna dance? Yeah.
Are you sure your family's ready for a few public displays of male-on-male action? Fuck it, let's find out.
Well, well, well, there's me grandkid dancing with another bloke at a wedding.
And the world hasn't come to an end.
Fancy that.
But you know what, Nat? I think I might give these young fellows a bit of privacy.
Excuse me.
I don't need another photo, thanks.
No, I wasn't I'm on a break.
Can I show you something? You don't have a blog, do you? No.
You got rid of him.
How did you? He doesn't have to be a part of the night you remember.
Do you wanna dance with me? Why not? # DISCO MUSIC FLASH MOB! (Cheering) Boats, boats, boats, boats.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Side to side, side to side.
DOUG: What's a bloody flash mob? Captions by CSI Australia
Have you done it yet? No, not yet.
You? No.
I've been sitting in the car for 45 minutes pretending this is not gonna be the most humiliating thing that anybody has ever done, ever.
You're a salesman.
Yeah, I sell stationery.
Alright, missy, remember that you have got to bring a date on Saturday too.
OK? That was part of the deal.
Yeah, I will.
(Man shouts on loudspeaker) Soon as he puts down the megaphone.
Corporate greed.
Climate change.
Global warming.
OK.
I'm going in.
(Sighs) TOM: Did you see last night? I think this makes me a bad person, but it was pretty disgusting.
There was this one guy who weighed in at 180kg.
He was trying to lose weight for his wedding, you know.
How does an obese forklift driver hook up and yet I'm still single? It makes no sense.
I love it when they take their singlets off for the weigh in.
Like that's gonna make a difference.
I know who the biggest loser is.
Me.
For watching the entire season and not getting out there and meeting somebody.
How is the Lite'N'Easy by the way, Pete? (Bell chimes) The Students' Social, Political, Economic, Environmental Action Committee or SPEEAC, taking membership now from anyone here with a conscience.
So speak up, and together we can save the world.
Thank you.
(Claps) That was that was amazing.
Oh, thank you.
It's it's a pity about the weather, you know.
Think it kept a few people away.
You're Natalie, right? Yeah, yeah.
I was at the Save the Orange-bellied Parrot rally last week.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know how you do it.
I do it because I care.
I was listening and just thinking, 'Where do I sign up?' Right over there, like I like I mentioned.
Right.
If you were listening.
No, I've already actually signed up a couple of times, but I can sign up again, yeah.
Um, do you wanna come to a wedding with me? Not not ours, obviously.
(Chuckles nervously) No Couldn't even get a word out, not even a sound.
Normal people pretend to cough or do something.
So what was your plan of attack, son? Well, I was gonna give him this.
It's like Sellotape, but it's not the normal kind.
It's got this sort of matte finish on it, sort of blends into the thing you're sticking it to.
It's called Magic Tape.
Struth, Romeo.
I tell you what, this wedding Yeah, tell me all about it.
I've been shaking glitter out of me private parts for four days after I opened that bloody invitation.
Maybe I shouldn't take anyone to the wedding, because I'm a groomsman and Dean will want me to focus on that.
Seriously, who puts glitter in an envelope? It's madness! Dad reckons like Ava's parents might have weird thing, like a cultural sensitivity thing.
Look, why don't you just go out there and ask him to your brother's wedding? It's alright for you.
You've already been through all this.
Not everyone knows I'm out yet Out? Out where? Out, like gay.
Look, I know things have changed since the day that I took your Nan to St Stephen's dinner dance back in 1949.
Really? I thought you guys met on Tinder.
Ah, young man, she was a vision.
Old Captain Happy would stand to attention Oh, God! OK, that's quite enough, thank you.
Look, it doesn't matter whether it's 1949 or 2000 Yeah.
If no-one makes the first move, then bugger all happens.
What's the sense in that? TOM: Alright, Doug, it's medication time.
I've got more drugs than an end-of-season footy trip.
Hey, Mark.
Good, thanks.
Keeping out of trouble, you old codger? Well, young Mark here has got a question he'd like to ask you.
Thanks, Grandad.
Um Um See, the thing is Just hang on for a minute, son.
I'll give you two boys a little bit of privacy.
Wait till I get the old plug out.
Away you go.
Uh I was just wondering that you know, if you .
.
if you don't have anything on this Saturday (High-pitched tone, muffled speech) .
.
brother's wedding.
My my older brother, Dean, he's marrying his wife.
His girlfriend, fiancee actually.
Her name's Ava.
They've only known each other for a year, but they are so in love.
She's Chinese, so there'll be like firecrackers and a lion Not a real lion, obviously, a Chinese lion.
But my aunty and uncle got Bali belly and can't fly home.
So there's two spare seats, but that's probably not important.
But my family will be there.
They're pretty daggy and it'll probably be embarrassing for me, but free food and drink, it'll be fun, you know.
Do you eat or drink? How about this? You sign your name to this petition to strengthen the Kyoto treaty, and I promise you I'll come to your brother's wedding.
Deal? It's a date.
A wedding? Bit of a big deal, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, look, sorry, it's not a big deal.
I can I can ask someone else.
Do you wanna ask someone else? Uh, no.
I kinda wanna ask you.
(Scoffs) What do you think, Doug? (Snores) Oh, here.
This too Oh.
TOM: It's, um, Sellotape.
MARK: It's Magic Tape.
(Cheering and applause) Come on, everybody, flash mob time! Hit it! # RETRO MUSIC Come on, get up, guys.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, da-da-da-da! Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba! Come on! (Hums tunelessly) Whoa! Doo-ta, doo-ta.
(Hums tunelessly) (Mumbles excitedly) .
.
see the goddamn video.
(Speaks indistinctly) Jake.
(Camera clicks) You're just gonna sit down there.
Sorry.
(Speaks indistinctly) (Applause) (Low chatter) PHOTOGRAPHER: Beautiful.
Saw this wedding party take their photos the other day on the steps of Parliament.
How idiotic is that, you know? A building where laws are passed with the express purpose of repressing the people.
This is nice, though, you know.
The steps are raked, so you get nice levels with the photos.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess it's nice to have a multicultural wedding.
More people should have families with other races.
There'll be less wars.
Not surprised you got a rellie taking the photos, Ava.
They love their cameras, don't they? (Laughs) I'm guessing we're not sitting together at at the reception.
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
I didn't really think about it.
Sorry.
Um Bridal party, please.
Hey, Mark, you wanna get in there? Oh.
After this, I'm all yours.
Yeah.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Big day for the family.
First cab off the rank.
Look, he may not have mentioned it, but it might be a a good idea to keep public displays of affection to a minimum.
The Chinese have a different view on these things.
Don't get me wrong.
We're very proud of Mark.
He was absolutely shitting himself when he told us.
Bit like when I told his mum I'm going on another golf weekend.
Well, I guess both involve stroke play.
PHOTOGRAPHER: OK, both families now.
(Low chatter) You boys jumping in the photo? No, I'm good, thanks.
Tom? No, I'm fine.
I don't wanna show up the bride.
Oh, too good for a photo, are you, rock stars?! Uncle Roy, you're embarrassing Nathan.
Nah, the boys'll be fine.
There's probably not enough room anyway.
Come on, guys, you're part of the day.
Come on.
Just take the photo! If I'm in, you're in too.
(Cheering) Come on, guys.
Come on, Tom.
Attaboy.
Sorry.
You will be.
Uh, Nathan, is it? Yeah.
I might get you in the back.
Keep going, little further.
Maybe a little bit further back.
Alright, perfect.
Alright, everybody smile, you're at a wedding.
Whoo! Nice! How about you come over to the photo booth with me and we can make an Uncle Roy toasted sandwich? (Cackles) Oh, you're joking.
So your brother's gay, huh? Yeah.
He just came out this year, and only to the immediate family, so Maybe don't broadcast it across the reception.
Dad thinks it might be a bit culturally insensitive to Ava's relatives, so If I had a choice, I'd be gay.
Gay people are more interesting.
Heteros are so God, hetero.
I'm I'm not sure what you mean.
Not many people do.
Please welcome Dean and Ava.
(Cheering and applause) (Traditional Chinese drums play) WOMAN: Beautiful.
Look at them, aw.
(Low chatter, soft music) How are you? Good to see you.
(Chuckles) Oh, cracker.
I thought you'd be a vego for sure, Nathan.
Bruce, leave the poor kid alone.
Don't talk about poor children in front of Nathan.
Did you know? Here we go.
Did you know that one in ten kids in Africa Don't know what they're missing out on.
Can you pass me the dead horse, love? That's tomato sauce.
So, Nathan, what do you hope to be? I don't hope to be anything, Bruce.
I hope to evolve.
Now you're a monkey, son? Grandad.
I think what Nathan means is What I mean is that your generation's got stuck in its ways, refused to embrace a changing world and that's why we're stuck in this mess.
What mess do you mean, darl? Well you know I mean, the fact that you can't see it says it all.
Mind if I take a few shots, guys? It would be a pity to be all dressed up and not get a photo.
We all got cameras in our pockets, though, mate.
I hope you're not thinking of opening a a camera shop 'cause both cameras and shops are redundant.
I mean, it would be like trying to open a laserdisc repair business or something.
What's a bloody laserdisc? Sure, I'll I'll have a photo.
AVA: Mark, how's your date going? Swimmingly.
Yes, yes.
We are thinking of moving in together.
Yeah.
You might wanna go and say hello to him before it officially becomes a long-distance relationship.
Go on.
Go on.
Attaboy.
So nervous.
So cute.
(Choked voice) It was a group email.
Writing your thesis there? No, just a couple of thoughts.
Mark, hey! Stop it, you are making a fool of yourself.
Hey.
How's it going? Couldn't be happier if I was twins.
Uh, could I see you outside for a sec for the thing? Uh, sure.
Good.
Back soon, Shu.
Careful of Doug.
He's got that twinkle in his eye.
Just going out for a kick of the footy, Shu.
Just two good mates, eh? What's this? That is the bomboniere.
The bomba-what? The bomboniere.
It's like a little gift from Dean and Ava.
You mind holding it for a bit? So I can get a photo of you with it.
Sure.
I think your parents' marriage is gonna be over soon, but the good news is your grandad is gonna be knee deep in Miss Saigon by the time the night's out.
Look, I know that's Vietnamese and they're Chinese and that's What are you? Shit, sorry.
Shit, sorry.
I should've asked.
No, it's not I'm sorry.
I should've asked you.
I just I mean, I've barely seen you tonight.
Your grandad has more right to kiss me than you do.
Yeah, but Grandad's not gay.
And you're barely out.
Everybody knows I'm out.
Maybe you invited me because you knew we wouldn't be seated together.
You know, avoid a spectacle.
Dad, he just thinks I know, the Chinese, yadda-yadda-yadda.
It's alright for you.
I mean, you're like some professional gay guy.
You're so good at being gay with your gay sandalwood-smelling hair, and your gay ChapStick for your gay lips, and I'm just some amateur gay guy who shops at Rivers, and everybody loves you My parents haven't spoken to me in four years.
My last boyfriend decided to surprise his family with his new gay life by inviting me to Christmas lunch.
But somewhere between the Kris Kringle and shrimp cocktail he decided he wasn't gay anymore.
So I went from being his new boyfriend to his old mate from basketball.
Shit.
(Sighs) Look, it wasn't easy for me to come here today, but you know, I came because I like you and But I barely know you and that's what first dates are about, you get to know each other.
I tell you my favourite movie, you tell me yours.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about everything that's happened so far.
Let's just start again and for the rest of the night we'll just hang out, OK? OK.
So what is your favourite movie? Mark! Mark, there you are.
Sorry.
Ava's gonna crack it big time.
Jacob's lost his voice.
Can you do the speech for him? (Husky voice) I thought I could get through it, but I can't.
Sorry.
Alright, good on ya, mate.
Sorry.
Thank you.
(Brothers talk together) I really appreciate you coming all this way.
Thank you so much.
Sorry, I'm just getting in the queue.
I just wanted to say how beautiful you look today.
Aw! Right back at you, brand-new sister.
I have a sister.
Can I do the sisterly thing and ask how your date is going with Nathan? He does seem to be spending a lot of time on his phone.
Sorry, I sound like our parents.
No, no, it's fine.
I know he can seem a bit intense, but he's so inspiring with all the stuff he does.
He's got this blog called SPEEAC which actually it's S-P-E-E-A-C, which stands for What's wrong? I, um I'll be two seconds, OK? OK.
Not bad scotch, that.
I prefer fair trade, but single What's this? .
.
malt will do.
It's my SPEEAC blog.
'How many Africans miss out on a year's worth of meals just so the Chinese princess can have a nice day?' 'They call it a bomboniere.
What'll the poor tell me to do with this?' What would they say? You attached a photo of me with it.
I don't usually put people I know in my blog, see.
Why did you even come here? You asked me to.
And now I'm asking you to leave.
What? It's not my fault weddings are a a circus of self-obsession, you know, like a catalogue of vanity.
Nathan, this is my family.
If my sister-in-law wants to have commemorative teaspoons and a cake the size of my car, then what's wrong with that? Look, I know on the surface today might look like it's about the champagne and the fancy dresses, but it means more than that, and I I cannot believe that I chose you to be here to be a part of it.
You're in our family photos.
There are people in Uganda who don't even know what a photo is.
What if we all gave up our cameras? Nathan, your dad drives a BMW and your mum plays more tennis than Roger Federer.
Mum broke her hamstring.
She didn't play for like two months.
So, I know what you can do with your bomboniere.
You can shove it up your bum.
Oi! Anyone shoving up anything up their bum here will be your brother! (Gasping) Alright, I am sorry about that unfortunate remark.
It isn't in line with my attitudes towards the LGBT community.
Nathan, fuck off.
(Sniggering) Do you have my? Has anybody seen my phone? Do I have to do this? I hate public speaking.
Remember my speech at Dad's 60th? My hands were shaking so much, everyone thought I had Parkinson's.
You heard his voice.
He sounds like he's been smoking nonstop since childbirth.
Are you sure I'm the right person? Like maybe Uncle Roy or OK.
You're my brother.
Of course you're the right person.
Read whatever he wrote, except may .
.
maybe just leave out the Thailand references.
Um, out of context they can sound a bit Culturally insensitive.
Culturally insensitive.
Culturally insensitive, OK.
Seriously, I need my phone.
Seriously! There's there's stuff on it! (Chuckling) Oh, my God! Are you doing duckface? Oi! Why are you doing that? Who has my phone? (Laughter) Shit! Don't go to the next photo! Don't Oh! What is that? Oh, very small spring roll.
NO! TOM: What's going on? Alright, that is not mine.
I definitely put a filter on mine.
What are you doing here, man? You should be protesting this shit! And you should stop taking pictures of your dick.
Or, I mean, at least use Snapchat.
Everybody knows Snapchat's for dick pics.
What's a bloody Snapchat? I want my phone back! (Laughter) Mark? Um, it's speech time, guys.
OK.
Thanks, mate.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, what's with the finger? I'll see you guys in there.
Yeah, no worries, yeah.
MAN: And now please welcome, to give the best man speech, the groom's brother, Mark.
(Applause) Whoo-hoo! Thanks.
Uh, hi, everyone.
Uh, I'm Mark and Here we go, he's shaking like a shagging dog.
Um Um, first off, as is tradition, let me thank the bridesmaids.
I wouldn't kick any of you out of bed for fighting.
(Laughs) Classic! (Murmuring) Um.
.
Uh I I just wanna say that I'm really jealous of my brother Dean, because he was my moody big brother.
WOMAN: Aw.
That was until the day he took his kelpie for a walk, and on that walk he met Ava.
And all of a sudden, my big brother went from being this .
.
moody, depressed, emo, sad sack guy to being the happiest, most positive big brother a little brother could ask for.
So, to Dean and Ava.
WOMAN: Yeah, Dean and Ava.
ALL: Dean and Ava.
(Chuckling) And another thing.
Um, see see that guy there? His name's Tom and he's not my old mate from basketball.
He's a guy I like.
He's a guy I like a lot, and I don't know if it's going anywhere, but I just want everyone to know that he is my date tonight.
And, Tom, I'm sorry I haven't spent much time with you today, but if we can get through tonight, then maybe I'd just like to take you to dinner or something, just the two of us.
(Applause) By the way, The Shining is my favourite movie.
I like The Shining.
Now, Dean and Ava, get your arses on the dance floor.
Whoo! Yeah! # SLOW JAZZ Here he is, Mr Speechmaker.
You really stepped up to the plate up there.
How was it? Was it alright? It was perfect.
I mean, Doug slept through most of it, but I'll show him the video later.
Glad you liked it.
So, The Shining, eh? Yep.
I tell most people my favourite film is A Clockwork Orange.
But Really, it's Along Came Polly.
I've not seen Clockwork Orange.
It sounds really weird and gross.
It is, it is, yeah.
Do you wanna dance? Yeah.
Are you sure your family's ready for a few public displays of male-on-male action? Fuck it, let's find out.
Well, well, well, there's me grandkid dancing with another bloke at a wedding.
And the world hasn't come to an end.
Fancy that.
But you know what, Nat? I think I might give these young fellows a bit of privacy.
Excuse me.
I don't need another photo, thanks.
No, I wasn't I'm on a break.
Can I show you something? You don't have a blog, do you? No.
You got rid of him.
How did you? He doesn't have to be a part of the night you remember.
Do you wanna dance with me? Why not? # DISCO MUSIC FLASH MOB! (Cheering) Boats, boats, boats, boats.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Side to side, side to side.
DOUG: What's a bloody flash mob? Captions by CSI Australia