Kidding (2018) s02e08 Episode Script

1 If you are a Pickle, then I am not a Pickle.
I think I know how I can put everything back the way it was.
Mom's getting remarried.
These numbers are a Fibonacci sequence.
I'm confident Will is turning back time.
This is Bobby Belongo with the South Bend chapter of the Pickles Platoon.
I've got a bunch of Pickle Pals here to serenade you on Christmas Eve.
You tried to manslaughter him, and now you're going halfsies on a schnauzer.
I like him.
You've had a minor stroke.
Sooner or later, you gotta accept reality.
T-minus 21 seconds and the solid rocket booster engine gimbal now under way.
T-minus 15 seconds.
T-minus ten seconds Nine, eight, seven, six.
We have main engine start.
- Four, three - Everybody say, "Bon voyage, Mrs.
McAuliffe.
" Bon massage, Mrs.
McAuliffe.
Clears the tower.
So the 25th space shuttle mission is now on the way.
This morning, it looked as though they were not going to be able to get off.
Looks like a couple of the, uh, solid rocket boosters, uh, blew away from the side of the shuttle in an explosion.
Was the shuttle supposed to explode? Yes, because you get to the space station faster in pieces.
Obviously a major malfunction.
Hey.
Jeff? This morning, I saw television kill the dreams of children all over the world.
What if I use that same power to heal them? Konnichiwa.
And from the bottom of my heart, you need to know You are my family now and I'm here to protect you.
- Jeff? - Oh? - Hmm? - Hey.
So Peter's drunk in the hand.
What? Oh.
Peter? Buddy? Why are you dressed like an African warlord? I'm Baba Pickles, Nigerian protector of youth.
Do you not find that offensive? I'm African-American.
I feel nothing.
Should you be drinking with our liver? No.
So do you ever stop and think, if this is his hand how huge are his balls? Give me the beer, Peter.
- Mm-mm.
- Peter, if you drink that beer, you'll die and there'll be no more showhounds.
Heaven's full of showhounds.
Why are his eyes turning yellow? 'Cause everything's comin' up jaundice.
Did something happen in Hersheypark? You think it's gonna be this romantic place and you get there It's mostly children watching your girlfriend say no to your proposal.
Pancake said no? That man loves you, and he's funny, he's handsome, he's a profound lover of animals, and you should spend the rest of your life together.
I can't even hear you until we talk about you kidnapping Will to the Philippines.
- We took a field trip.
- You threw a guy off a ship in a barrel! It was an ovular sarcophagus.
That was once filled with pickles, Jeff! Peter is charming.
He's a doctor.
He's sardonic yet hopeful.
- Are you high? - I haven't had tea in weeks.
Maybe I don't wanna get remarried.
But you do! I know you do! And we need to move that way, forward.
You need to move on so we can move on.
I'm starting a new family, and I can't do that unless I know my old family's gonna be okay.
What new family? Something good has to come from something bad.
Peter is the good that can come from our collective ungluing, and if you don't embrace that, then he will pickle his new liver, and that irony will be difficult to process.
You can't even fight for her a little bit, can you? - Go back upstairs.
- Peter will die.
He will die, and it will be on us.
No, no, this is not on me.
I taught him to walk again.
I stood here and held his hand as he learned to climb these stairs.
It took us two hours to get from here to up there, but we did it! You broke him, and I am fixing him! He was my friend first, and I'll decide when I want to marry him! I will! You can't even be happy that she said no, - can you? - They belong together.
A normal person would want Peter to die.
A normal person would want Peter to be in this family.
A normal person wouldn't have hit him with his car.
Peter loves you.
He doesn't deserve this.
He's your future and he is your Pancake.
The magic is gone.
Everything is upside down, Grandpa, because, see, we were going back in time, and it was really working Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Do you foresee your own death within the next 3 to 24 hours? - No.
- Good, I'm busy.
Grandpa! Will, sometimes the things in your head are different from what they really are.
That's how reality works, kid.
But I Josip? It's me, Jeff.
Wake up, Josip.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
You and I are about to embark on a quest, a journey around the world to find 23 caring and virtuous souls to build a family of Pickles men and women of the highest moral caliber who will devote their lives to children.
And we're gonna start with you, Gospodin Kiseli Krastavac.
Will you be the first Serbian pickles? Jeff, it would be the honor of my life.
Hello? Hello? - - Josip? What the heck? Oh.
Hello? I know where you live, motherfucker.
I asked my dad why I have red hair and he doesn't.
He said God gave it to me.
Mr.
Pickles says God doesn't exist.
- He doesn't? - No, he's a construct.
What's a construct? I don't know, but I told my mom, and I get to skip my sister's christening.
Arya, Dani.
I think what Mr.
Pickles meant by that was, God exists differently for everyone.
Hmm, I don't think so.
Mr.
Pickles just wants us to love each other: you, me, the entire South Bend, Indiana, chapter of the Pickles Platoon.
Sometimes he goes a little off topic.
Just ignore that stuff.
I like when he says that stuff.
The bigger lesson then is that our words have consequences.
- Well, great painting.
Y'all done? - Yeah.
Yep.
You are my family now, and I'm here to protect you.
Everyone needs a new ride.
It is like a spaceship, Astronotter, only more affordable.
Astronotter belongs on a rocket.
Ask your local dealer about the new Mercedes S-Class.
And she doesn't fucking talk! What are you looking for? Some good PR.
We need to remind this country that our show is a national treasure, not some lightning rod for controversy and dead Filipinos.
Can I help? Can you find a letter NASA wrote to my father in 1997? It would be under the VIP correspondence.
I have a system.
Uh-huh.
They wanted to send Astronotter to the space station, you know, get kids interested in science, but Dad said no.
How come? Because if the shuttle exploded like the Challenger, then we wouldn't have a choice.
We'd have to eulogize one of our most popular puppets.
Nothing worse than a dead puppet.
Is it this? I have always wanted to say this Could you get NASA on the phone? Yeah.
You're staring at me again.
You're like a beesting, and I mean that as salaciously as your heart will receive it.
Why do I feel like the gravel in your voice has spent years apologizing for the words it produces? When was the last time you had 12 courses of Italian? Oh.
Huh? - I don't need your help.
- Oh, no? I've been going to the gym.
Oh, I'll open another bottle of Chianti.
The music's strange to me What are you doing on Tuesday? Avoiding your phone calls.
Ha, ha, ha.
Why don't we take $30,000 in cash, go to the airport, and see where the wind takes us, hmm? Once upon a time I had a girl Once upon a time I knew her love I've stood and watched her walk away And all that I could do was pray And beg her not to go The magic is gone.
Everything is upside down, Grandpa, because, see, we were going back in time, and it was really working Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Do you foresee your own death within the next 3 to 24 hours? - No.
- Good, I'm busy.
Grandpa! Will, sometimes the things in your head are different from what they really are.
That's how reality works, kid.
But I Sorrow and me I feel like running through the door - Now.
- Now.
Where were we? Sit and watch him kissing her like that Once upon a time, she loved me so Mm.
Once upon a time, I let her go Oh.
I can't wait to tell my family about you.
With the blues and there's nothing I can Does this smell like gasoline to you? We should do a whiskey.
Let's do it.
What should we name it? How about Two Friends Whiskey after our friendship? Or Dimples Whiskey after the dimples in our faces.
Last night, I was pleasuring a woman sexually.
- Hmm.
- I find the salt and pepper combined with the money really gets women's dicks hard, if you know what I mean.
I also love pleasuring women.
How have we not talked about this? I'm always like, "Last night, I pleasured this woman," and you're, like, never paying attention.
I'm listening to you.
Sometimes it feels like you're listening at me, you know? What does that mean? And then you get defensive.
Well, I'm sorry.
I-I-I promise I'll try to communicate better.
You've been an indispensable friend over these last few weeks.
I feel the same way.
Really? That means so much.
Scott, I need to, uh God, I've been picturing myself having this conversation since I was 13 and now I don't know - how to start - I want Astronotter back.
What the fuck, Dee Dee? Is this woman bothering you, Scottson? No, she's the one I was telling you about.
Oh, uh-huh.
Who are you? Blake Griffin? Sports? Yeah.
We were having a conversation.
She has the opportunity to go where no puppet has gone before.
- Space? - Wow, first guess.
Boop! You can have her back for the low, low price of $28 million.
Please, this is really important to me.
I know, it's it's it's it's incredible, and that's why I'm not saying no.
Blake Griffin is saying no.
I'm saying go fuck yourself.
- Oh, my God.
- Nightmare.
25 fucking years, man! I don't know how you did it.
You open it, Scott.
I can't.
You sure? "Miss Deirdre Piccirillo, the Japanese Design Exchange Program is absolutely terrified to welcome you to their 1987-'88 program.
" What? You know Japan is 6,350 miles away? I'd be a day ahead of you, my father, even Jeff.
I'd pretty much be in a completely different world, living my own life.
So? I think you should go.
What are you gonna miss here? It's only a year.
Nothing's gonna change.
I don't even look at other girls.
You have split ends.
Last year in high school, but it's your beginning for what you're gonna be doing in life, and you're gonna be looking at all sorts of career opportunities, you're gonna be looking at colleges, and you're gonna say, "What am I gonna do? What do I want to do?" Reach for it, you know.
Go push yourself as far as you can.
I'm going to Japan.
So the 25th space shuttle mission is now on the way after more delays than NASA cares to count.
This morning, it looked as though they were not going to be able to get off.
Would you please turn that down? Looks like a couple of the, uh, solid rocket boosters, uh, blew away from the side of the shuttle in an explosion.
Hey.
Jeff? This morning, I saw television kill the dreams of children all over the world.
What if I use that same power to heal them? What does that mean? I don't know yet.
Can I help? I thought you were supposed to go to Japan.
I don't wanna go anywhere right now.
Ready for liftoff, Astronotter? No, Dee Dee.
I'm afraid to go.
I love it, but I don't think she should talk.
I I feel like she should just make this series of random noises.
Bee-boo-bop, beep, beep, boo, bop, beep.
I don't think anyone understands her, you know? It's a him.
Oh, well, still.
Why don't you hold onto this for me? Hey, the guy from NASA public relations called back.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He's gonna run it up the flagpole.
But it sounds like there's a launch in a few months and he grew up with the show, so he said there might be a seat on the rocket, if you want it.
Yes, I want it.
Just you, just you Hey, I feel like earlier, you were about to say something to me.
Mm, no, I I don't think so, no.
What Move! What the fuck are you doing? Astronotter is getting on that rocket.
Blake, I apologize.
Repeat after me! Astronotter is getting on that rocket.
This is not how human beings negotiate.
- Say it! - No! This is my otter! I earned it! Not now, Sheryl.
Say it.
You want Astronotter? I'll make you a deal.
Give me one more day a week with my daughter.
What? Is somebody even watching her right now? One more day a week.
I trade you otter for more daughter.
Sound good? You leave her out of this! - Deirdre? - What? If that's the space people, tell 'em we're good to go.
It's ToyCo.
They're taking all the Listen-To-Me Pickles offline.
What? Why? I know where you live, motherfucker.
- How did you get this number? - You call my house.
- You talk to my kid.
- Please don't call here.
Deirdre? ToyCo shut down the system.
Why? Don't freak out, okay? - Why? - Your phone number, your home address, your social just all showed up on some Internet forum.
They felt because of all the threats What threats? You get a lot of threats.
- It's probably nothing.
- Okay, so it's nothing? It's nothing.
I'm pretty sure it's nothing.
Okay, thanks.
I'm sorry, we have to turn around.
Can you take me to 4183 Leafturn Street, please? - You're gonna miss your flight.
- Please, as fast as you can.
You have a spectacular day, friend.
Hi, it's Jill.
Sorry I missed your call, but please leave a message.
I'm not ready to marry you.
I think you made that clear when you didn't say yes to me asking you to marry me.
It's too soon, Peter.
Inside, you can't see it, but I am, like, in the 13th round of a very drunk game of Jenga 24-7 all the time.
Every move scares me.
But you came into my life, and you helped me sleep when I couldn't sleep, you made me laugh when I couldn't laugh, and you you made me feel light when I couldn't feel anything at all.
That's family.
Okay, just So to your proposal, I propose that I will say yes when yes feels right.
Jill! Guys? And I will wear this ring so that you know that my proposal that this proposal is a real proposal to propose.
Guys? Jill? Can you live with that? If I get to live with you.
Will! Will! Hello, Astronotter.
Are you ready for your first flight to outer space? It's okay to be scared, but it's gonna be okay.
I know it.
Ready? Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two What is that? Will! Oh, shit! - Here, here.
- What? Will!