Lead Balloon (2006) s02e08 Episode Script
Lucky
Basically, we got where we are today by concentrating on organic produce.
You could say that's the driving force behind our supermarket.
What we need is more personal stuff - who are the characters at Greenways Can I just pick you up on one point there, Rick? It's actually GreenWAY.
There is no "S".
Sorry.
GreenWAY.
Who are the characters at GreenWAY that I can talk about on stage? - I think it'd be better if we - Oh, Len Robbins.
- Right.
- Purchasing manager.
Resident headcase! Last year, he ran the London marathon in his swimming trunks, snorkel, mask, the lot.
- Absolute classic! - Did he wear flippers? Well, no, not flippers.
He had his trainers on.
So, who else do we have? Angie Patel.
Facilities Coordinator.
Steve - Steve, no.
- She loves karaoke.
Any excuse, she's up on the table, dancing and singing Steve! Angie's just had a miscarriage.
What, you think leave her alone? Probably best.
Anyone else spring to mind? I think it's better if Oh! Andy Sturrock! Northwest Area Manager.
Now, I was out for a drink with Andy, and he confessed to me that he'd had his family tree done, and it turns out he's actually a blood relative of Adolf Hitler.
- Seriously? - I kid you not.
That's amazing.
That's the set right there - Aisle Hitler! - We have ways of making you shop! - Mmm.
Greenways is expanding - moving into Poland! Actually, I'd rather you didn't mention that, as he'll know you got it from me.
He's got a hell of a temper on him.
Who'd have thought? Do you want to adopt a tree? Yeah.
Probably right.
It'll probably just grow up and reject us.
"You're not my real parents.
You're not even real trees!" Don't think adoption's your thing.
- What do you mean? - Sam's chimp.
Oh, that bloody zoo! If you adopt a chimpanzee and it dies, they should tell you, not just keep taking money off you and spending it on other chimps and rhinos and God knows what else.
You do not tell an eight-year-old their chimpanzee is dead.
But it was! They were trying to fob her off with some other manky old She wouldn't have known! It's life.
Things die.
An important lesson.
She backed the wrong chimp.
I don't think she ever got over it.
That's probably why she's with Ben.
He's a chimp substitute.
- Right, I'd better be off.
- Yeah? Fun day ahead? - A crisis meeting with Pippa.
- Pippa? - Pee-Pa! Who's Pippa? - You know Pippa Coulson! She wrote all those working-mother books - The Working Relationship: Marriage And The City.
She's not getting divorced, is she? It's looking that way.
Her husband says he never sees her.
Couldn't they stay together for the sake of the books? Pee-Pa! Getting a divorce.
Pee-Pa! Greenways, Greenways - It's GreenWAY.
- OK, GreenWAY.
Being the Greenway Supermarket Awards, they're on special offer.
Two for the price of one.
Oh, please.
Last year, someone missed out on an award and shot himself with a pricing gun.
f1 .
99 - right there on his forehead.
Said he felt undervalued.
- It's so lame.
- Why do you say yes to this stuff? Sorry to inconvenience you with regular work(!) Set your sights higher, or we'll spend our lives writing gags for Greenways.
It's GreenWAY! It's a one-off.
It's not like I do this all the time.
Course not! Your career is a dazzling kaleidoscope of opportunity.
I'll dig out the stuff I did last year for the Tesco do.
Thank the Lord for cut and paste.
It was good.
Change the name to Greenway and we're there.
Change the name? You perfectionist! Hey, Ben! Sam, how's it going? - Yeah, good.
- Not bad, thanks.
- Ever shop at Greenways? - GreenWAY! Yeah.
We used to get cider from there.
Yeah, but Spikey got banned, so we don't go any more.
What did he do? You assume Spikey is somehow at fault.
Yes, I do.
Why did they ban him? Oh, it was nothing, really.
He got caught nicking some biscuits, and so he went back to try and start a fire in there.
Yeah.
Banned him for life.
- That's a bit harsh.
- Yeah.
Bad luck, Spikey.
Yeah, still.
Dad, we were wondering maybe if you could put this up in the cafe for us? What's this? Ben and me, we're gonna start a business.
Yeah.
Just thought, you know, might as well.
Dog-walking.
A dog-walking business.
Great idea.
Cheers.
Yeah, so if you know anyone who has a dog, maybe you could tell them about it.
Yeah.
We'll come round, pick it up, hang out with it Maybe take it for a walk? Yeah, we could do that.
Yeah, why not? Yeah, I like it.
Take a look at that.
Oh, yeah.
Cuddle parties - friend of mine in the States told me about these.
But what the hell is it? Like it says here, it's for "developing intimacy and communication skills "in a boundary-appropriate setting.
" Sounds creepy.
Ah, see you've spotted the cuddle party advert.
What kind of weirdo goes to cuddle parties? Well, they're not all weirdos.
I go.
You've been to one of these? Yes, yes.
Several.
I find it quite rewarding, quite healing.
So you just go to a party and cuddle total strangers? - In an entirely non-sexual way.
- You still cuddle them.
If you want to.
It's not compulsory.
You don't have to cuddle at a cuddle party? No, no.
In fact, as it happens, I haven't actually given consent yet.
- I'm still working up to it.
- Good for you.
Once you make that leap, it changes you forever.
Makes you feel much more relaxed with the idea of physical touch.
- Sounds great! - Yeah! Yeah, it is.
Actually, shall I just pop that back up on the board for others to see? Sure.
Do you know what? I actually feel physically sick.
Maybe you should go with Michael.
I think you could use a cuddle.
- Oh, don't.
I even hate the word.
- Which word? "Cuddle"? Nah, don't say it.
- "Cuddle".
- Nah! Oh, come on.
Say it.
- I don't want to.
- It's easy! "Cuddle".
Marty, I don't want to talk about it any more.
I actually can't think of anything more disgusting than a group of people getting together for a big hug.
If people want to do it, then let them.
They're not forcing you to go.
Too right, they're not! Creepy.
I can't understand why you're not more disgusted.
It sounds harmless, and I'm sure some people benefit from it.
- Should be illegal.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not.
Anyway, why does everything have to be a workshop these days? It's pathetic.
What's up with you, then? No, no, I'm fine.
Just It's just Marty, his attitude.
I wish he'd set his sights higher, or we'll end up writing jokes about supermarkets for the rest of our lives.
- Have you said anything? - No.
What's the point? He's just lay.
He's cruising.
So, how did you get on with Pippa? Not good.
They're definitely splitting up.
What's she going to do about all her books? Put one of those slips in? "Correction - the author is now divorced.
" - It's very sad.
- Yeah, yeah.
I guess there are some things a cuddle party won't solve.
Oww! I didn't give consent.
Just went to the men's room.
No toilet paper.
I thought, "Where's Angie Patel when you need her?" Oh, no, she just had a miscarriage! Supermarkets.
Nobody uses the word "super" on its own nowadays.
"That really is a super hat you have on.
" "I had a super holiday last" - Oh, do shut up.
- Yeah, one of us is working, OK? Hey, Magda.
Sorry, there's no cleaner left for bath.
Really? - Yes.
- I don't know what to suggest.
Maybe try the shop? Mel said she would buy some today.
Did she? She must have been lying.
I can only apologise.
Oh, I forget.
There was telephone call before.
Don't worry.
They'll probably ring back.
It'll be for Mel, anyway.
No.
He wanted to speak with you.
Did he say what it was about? Mmm.
Was about a movie.
- Did he leave a number? - No.
I am sorry.
- Why didn't you get the number? - It was bad line.
He was telephoning from Los Angeles.
ct LA?! -Yes, from studio, movie studio.
- What was his name? - He did not say.
- Well, you should have asked him.
- He put phone down.
Relax, he'll call back.
He'll call back.
If he calls again, you want to speak with him? Oh, no, tell him to stick his movie! - Of course I want to speak to him! - OK.
Now I must buy cleaner for bath.
Excuse me.
Yeah, concentrate on the important stuff! She can't even take a message.
I might as well employ a six-year-old.
He'll call back.
If it's genuine.
What do you mean, "If it's genuine"? She might have got the wrong end of the stick.
Oh, that's it.
(CHUCKLES) You can't bear it, can you? A little bit of success comes my way - Whoa, Rick.
Nothing's happened yet.
- Yes, it has.
Someone's come to see me at one of these corporate gigs that you're so uninterested in, and thought, "Hey, you know what? "This guy's got something.
Let's give him a call.
" Maybe you got lucky.
I'm just saying stay calm.
I am calm! It's not lucky.
Luck doesn't come into it.
Then you've nothing to worry about.
He'll call back.
I know! I know he will! Stop going on about whether he'll call back.
I'm happy to hang around here.
Can't we at least get some lunch? Why do we have to go to the cafe? Let's stay here and make a sandwich.
You're afraid to leave the phone.
No.
I just don't want to see Michael when he's trying to cuddle everyone.
Oh.
OK! I mean, maybe it's not actually working.
There's a dial tone.
That sometimes happens and there's no call.
Common fault.
- Is it? - I'll ring it,just in case.
- Sure you're not panicking? - This isn't about the phone call.
I'm just interested to see if the phone is working.
(PHONE RINGS) There.
(PHONE STOPS RINGING) That shouldn't happen.
I didn't hang up.
There is a fault! I knew it! I bet he's been calling all day.
Poor guy's trying to make a movie, he can't even get hold of his actors.
It makes us look incompetent.
Sorry.
Telephone is ringing, but there's nobody there.
OK.
Thanks, Magda.
It's probably a fault.
I'll report it.
What if Los Angeles man is trying to telephone-call you and he can't make ring? Yeah, good point.
I hadn't thought of that.
(PHONE RINGS) That's him! Answer the phone, Magda.
No, let it ring a couple more times.
Answer it! - You don't want to appear desperate.
- Answer it! - One more for luck.
- Answer the bloody phone, Magda.
Hello? I can hear you.
Yes, he is here.
Would you? Here is Hi.
Yeah, yeah, it's Rick Spleen here.
Yeah, yeah.
No worries.
It's just past midday here.
Yeah, just chilling.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great! Yeah, I do.
Yeah? Yeah, OK.
He wants to speak to you.
- Me? - Yeah.
Phone for you.
Hello? - You seem a little annoyed.
- I'm not.
I couldn't care less.
What does annoy me is someone ringing me on my private line, wasting my time just because they want to talk to you.
That's unprofessional.
And rude.
Well, they didn't know how to track me down.
How do you know Will Stacey, anyway? From years ago.
We started on the circuit at the same time.
He always liked my stand-up.
Now he's a star and he wants me to help write his next movie All right, so you got lucky because you know someone.
Who wants me to help him write his next movie.
Why can't he write it himself? He must be panicking if he wants you to fly out there tomorrow.
I mean, how long you gonna be gone for, anyway? Couple of days? Couple of weeks? They're flying me out for talks.
They're not flying you out - they've bought you a ticket.
As you wish.
Well, I hope you get a blood clot and your legs drop off.
Not in First.
They've got flat beds, you can get a massage OK! So you're going to fly off to Hollywood and leave me to write the Greenways gags, are you? Well, that would be the plan.
Oh, don't forget - it's GreenWAY! That's marvellous news! - Isn't it fantastic? - Yup, isn't it? We have a star in our midst.
- Well, two stars.
- What? Oh, yes, yes.
Well, one and a half! (MICHAEL LAUGHS) - (MOBILE RINGS) - Better take this.
Yeah, why don't you? Hollywood! You must be delighted for him! I am.
That's the sort of break people in your business dream about! Nah, I personally don't, but it's good for Marty, yeah.
Good? Cool! I should coco! You read about these struggling writers who get a smash hit and there you go - cheque for $5 million, thank you very much.
- Not regular money, though, is it? - So what about you? Yeah, really good, couple of projects on the No, I meant, what can I get you? Would you like to try the special? Yeah.
Why not? I'll try the special.
MARTY: OK, Will.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, man.
OK.
See ya.
Bye.
Actually, this is rather good timing.
At cuddle party last night, there was a first-time hugger.
Congratulations, Michael! So this seems like an appropriate moment - Don't jinx it.
- Good point.
I was thinking - how's Rick going to come up with the funnies while you're sitting by your pool in Hollywood? I'm sure he'll be OK.
- I just do the typing.
- (CHUCKLING) As if! Actually, if you ARE looking for a writer No, just the special, thanks.
I buy book for telephone messages.
Good.
Fine.
I can write message and leave for you.
Yup.
If someone telephones, I can write message in here Yes, I think I see how the system works, Magda.
and you will know.
Because I am sorry.
Why? There's nothing to be sorry about.
But telephone call was for Marty and not for you.
It's fine.
Please, just forget it.
But I think you have been disappointed that telephone call was not for you, was for Marty.
Disappointed? Well, yeah, I was disappointed at the breach of etiquette.
They should have gone through the proper channels, but, no I'm happy for Marty.
- I'm glad he's going.
- Marty is going? MARTY: Have to pack and have the cat put down, and I'm ready.
Of course I'm joking - I've already packed! OK, bye-bye.
(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY) Moneypenny, any calls while I was out? No, but I have bought message book Oh, let's not go into all that again, please! - So, you are leaving? - Yeah.
Los Angeles.
Fly out tomorrow.
- But you are coming back? - It depends.
If it goes well, I might just come back to pick up my stuff.
Oh.
Well, we will miss you.
- Will we? - Thank you, Magda.
Come here, give me a hug.
I'll take lots of pictures and send them to you.
Thank you.
I would like that.
Right.
Well, I better get on with these supermarket gags.
Come on, I'll give you a hand with that.
Guess who I saw on the way home? Sam and Ben, walking along with about seven dogs.
So funny! Slightly chaotic, but So, Marty's off to America, then? Yep.
Apparently.
When's he going? Tomorrow, I think.
- That soon? - I think that's what he said.
- But he's coming back? - Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who cares? Like I say, he's been cruising.
I've been coming up with all the stuff.
Still, it must be nicer writing with someone.
No.
To be perfectly honest, the only useful thing Marty does is to keep me at my laptop.
I don't need to pay someone to do that.
So So, it could be "Goodbye, Marty?" Mmm? Hope so.
(CLOCKWORK TOY WHIRRS) (MOTOR WINDS DOWN) Probably better if he stays there.
Writing movies.
Yeah.
Or whatever.
"Woman have telephoned.
Would you like new windows in house?" That's a very efficient message service.
Wonder why Magda's started doing that.
Who knows? Did you see message about windows? - Yes, I did.
Thanks.
- I put it on a note.
I know.
That's how I saw it.
- So you don't want new windows? - No.
OK.
If woman telephones again, I will tell her this? Fine.
Just please don't leave me a message about it.
Of course.
So, Marty is going to America today? Yes.
He should be on his way to the airport now, hopefully.
And you can write without Marty? Yes! I'm looking forward to it.
It's better that way.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Magda.
Has Ben phoned? - No, I don't think so.
- No, he has not.
I buy book for telephone messages.
Oh, please! Please! Well, if he does call, can you let him know I had to head off? - Only, I'm really late, so - Right.
- Sam, who's this? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
This is Reagan.
- He's one of the dogs.
- Oh, I see! Sam, is this going to happen a lot, bringing them inside? No! No, Dad.
Definitely not, no.
Ben was supposed to take him off me so I could go to college, but he's not here because maybe I didn't arrange it.
So, what I was thinking was maybe I could leave him here for a bit.
And then, when Ben comes round, he'll take him.
- No.
Sorry, no.
- Yeah.
Ben will be here really soon, if that's OK.
No, it's not OK! Yeah, but, you know, it'll only be for a short while.
I could put it in the garden.
When will Ben be here? - Soon, soon.
Fairly soon.
- I don't know why I waste my breath.
All right - but if it stays in the garden.
Really? Excellent.
Super.
There you go.
And, oh, yeah, Dad, if he starts howling a lot, it's because he likes to be with people.
So you might want to bring him in for a bit.
Great, super.
Thanks.
(# BELL X1 : Eve, The Apple Of My Eye) You left it I sent it I want it back Now this applies equally To you and I The only thing that we share is the same sky These empty metaphors They're in vain Like can't you see The grass is greener where it rains You left, I died I went, you cried You came, I think But I never really know Bye! Yes, I looked it up on the Internet, those new seats they have in First Class.
Wide as a bed, they are, so he'll be having a super flight.
Yep.
- God willing.
- Lucky thing, eh? Just think, in a year, he might be famous and we will be sat here, saying, "Marty? "Yes, yes, we used to know him!" I don't think it's going to be quite Still, good anecdote for the memoirs, though? About the seats in First Class.
Yeah.
Yes, I look forward to reading all about it.
Do I seem a bit different to you today? Not really, no.
It's just that I went to cuddle party again last night.
Did you? Yes.
And I am now, officially, a cuddle buddy.
Well done.
Rick, hope you don't mind me saying, but you seem a little low.
- No.
I'm great.
- Must be a difficult time for you.
Not really.
Marty jetting off to follow his star.
Doesn't bother me.
- Mmm, leaving you here on your own.
- It was my choice.
I can't help feeling that I'm picking up a sense of rejection.
Me? God, no! May I? They'll all be fed up with him by now.
Five days of Marty is enough for anyone.
Be just past midnight there.
He won't be in bed.
He'll be swanning about some party, pouring champagne down his neck, banging on about this so-called movie he's supposed to be making.
Everyone'll be going, "Who's that guy? "Oh, he's a friend of Will Stacey.
"Oh, I get it - a hanger-on, "come over here, hoping to get his green card.
"Oh, wait, he's American, he doesn't need one.
" "That's all worked out very nicely!" At least you're not obsessing about it(!) You're not finding this easy, are you? Oh, it's fine.
It's hard, sitting in there on your own, tying to come up with jokes for the Fresh Lav ceramic toilet conference.
Of course I'm pleased for Marty, it's just Come here.
Oh - God, you're tense! - I'm sorry.
Can't get the image of Michael lunging towards me out of my mind.
Have you been in there since? Not bloody likely! It was all right when Marty was here.
We could go in there, have a laugh.
It would set you up for the afternoon.
Now I'm left to fend off Mr Cuddle Party on my own! Ugh! You'll be OK.
I mean, look at Pippa Coulson.
Has she made it up with her husband? No, but she's just been given a massive advance to write a book on divorce.
A book on divorce? Ohh Is it coming out in Pippa-back? (MEL LAUGHS) You see? You don't need Marty.
Yeah, they should call it Yeah, it's coming out in Pippa-backthat's good.
- Dad? Sorry, are you working? - Yeah.
It's OK.
So, how's the dog-walking business? Er, not good.
Yeah, no, well, it started off all right.
The dogs were cool, but the owners - The owners.
- Just so stressed out.
They were like, "What time will you be here?" We were like, "1 1 .
00? 1 2.
00?" And they'd go all mental about it.
What's it to them? And Ben was - Ben, you tell it.
- Yeah, Tuesday I had loads of dogs.
Um, what's his name? - Reagan? - Reagan.
And, um Loads of others, right? And I had to tie them up outside this record shop, cos I had to go in.
- Fair enough.
- Exactly.
Anyway, when I came out a bit later one of the owners is there - just went off on one.
I thought, "That's it.
I've had it with this lark.
" - Too much grief.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so - (Door Bell Rings) The thing is, Dad, some of the owners didn't pay us (MARTY'S VOICE in DOOR) so we were thinking, if you could lend us a bit and when the owners do pay us, we'll pay you.
Like, £40 Dad? How's it going? The weather was pretty good.
Hotel was amazing.
Did you get the job? I spent most of my time in the pool.
- One day, I rented a car - Yeah, yeah.
- Did you get the job? - Yeah, I got the job.
Great.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So, when do you go back? Hopefully, never.
I told them to stick it.
- What? - Yeah.
I get to LA - within 2q hours, I remembered all the reasons I'd left in the first place.
What about your mate, Will Stacey? The guy's turned into a complete asshole.
Coked out of his brain.
I knew if I stayed there, I'd start using again and I'd be dead by the time I'm 30.
OK, 40.
Must update my exaggerations.
Well, glad you've come to your senses.
That's why I came here, to get away from jerks like that.
It's precisely why I've never gone there.
It's amazing how success changes people.
That's why I like being with you.
It'll never happen.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
How was the Greenways gig? It was OK.
I met Hitler's long-lost cousin.
No kidding! What did he look like? Did he have the moustache? Just a little swastika.
And a lapel pin that said, "Hi! I'm a Nazi! How can I help you?" Acting Uh This is what I'm working on now - Fresh Lav.
Biggest suppliers of ceramic toilets in Europe.
Oh, man, I'm back.
I'm home! They're number one in number twos! - Is it a motion picture? - Oh, man, get out of here! - It's all right! Come on! - No, really, get out of here! - I could use that! - No, flush it! Please, put it away! (INAUDIBLE THROUGHOUT SCENE) (# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road)
You could say that's the driving force behind our supermarket.
What we need is more personal stuff - who are the characters at Greenways Can I just pick you up on one point there, Rick? It's actually GreenWAY.
There is no "S".
Sorry.
GreenWAY.
Who are the characters at GreenWAY that I can talk about on stage? - I think it'd be better if we - Oh, Len Robbins.
- Right.
- Purchasing manager.
Resident headcase! Last year, he ran the London marathon in his swimming trunks, snorkel, mask, the lot.
- Absolute classic! - Did he wear flippers? Well, no, not flippers.
He had his trainers on.
So, who else do we have? Angie Patel.
Facilities Coordinator.
Steve - Steve, no.
- She loves karaoke.
Any excuse, she's up on the table, dancing and singing Steve! Angie's just had a miscarriage.
What, you think leave her alone? Probably best.
Anyone else spring to mind? I think it's better if Oh! Andy Sturrock! Northwest Area Manager.
Now, I was out for a drink with Andy, and he confessed to me that he'd had his family tree done, and it turns out he's actually a blood relative of Adolf Hitler.
- Seriously? - I kid you not.
That's amazing.
That's the set right there - Aisle Hitler! - We have ways of making you shop! - Mmm.
Greenways is expanding - moving into Poland! Actually, I'd rather you didn't mention that, as he'll know you got it from me.
He's got a hell of a temper on him.
Who'd have thought? Do you want to adopt a tree? Yeah.
Probably right.
It'll probably just grow up and reject us.
"You're not my real parents.
You're not even real trees!" Don't think adoption's your thing.
- What do you mean? - Sam's chimp.
Oh, that bloody zoo! If you adopt a chimpanzee and it dies, they should tell you, not just keep taking money off you and spending it on other chimps and rhinos and God knows what else.
You do not tell an eight-year-old their chimpanzee is dead.
But it was! They were trying to fob her off with some other manky old She wouldn't have known! It's life.
Things die.
An important lesson.
She backed the wrong chimp.
I don't think she ever got over it.
That's probably why she's with Ben.
He's a chimp substitute.
- Right, I'd better be off.
- Yeah? Fun day ahead? - A crisis meeting with Pippa.
- Pippa? - Pee-Pa! Who's Pippa? - You know Pippa Coulson! She wrote all those working-mother books - The Working Relationship: Marriage And The City.
She's not getting divorced, is she? It's looking that way.
Her husband says he never sees her.
Couldn't they stay together for the sake of the books? Pee-Pa! Getting a divorce.
Pee-Pa! Greenways, Greenways - It's GreenWAY.
- OK, GreenWAY.
Being the Greenway Supermarket Awards, they're on special offer.
Two for the price of one.
Oh, please.
Last year, someone missed out on an award and shot himself with a pricing gun.
f1 .
99 - right there on his forehead.
Said he felt undervalued.
- It's so lame.
- Why do you say yes to this stuff? Sorry to inconvenience you with regular work(!) Set your sights higher, or we'll spend our lives writing gags for Greenways.
It's GreenWAY! It's a one-off.
It's not like I do this all the time.
Course not! Your career is a dazzling kaleidoscope of opportunity.
I'll dig out the stuff I did last year for the Tesco do.
Thank the Lord for cut and paste.
It was good.
Change the name to Greenway and we're there.
Change the name? You perfectionist! Hey, Ben! Sam, how's it going? - Yeah, good.
- Not bad, thanks.
- Ever shop at Greenways? - GreenWAY! Yeah.
We used to get cider from there.
Yeah, but Spikey got banned, so we don't go any more.
What did he do? You assume Spikey is somehow at fault.
Yes, I do.
Why did they ban him? Oh, it was nothing, really.
He got caught nicking some biscuits, and so he went back to try and start a fire in there.
Yeah.
Banned him for life.
- That's a bit harsh.
- Yeah.
Bad luck, Spikey.
Yeah, still.
Dad, we were wondering maybe if you could put this up in the cafe for us? What's this? Ben and me, we're gonna start a business.
Yeah.
Just thought, you know, might as well.
Dog-walking.
A dog-walking business.
Great idea.
Cheers.
Yeah, so if you know anyone who has a dog, maybe you could tell them about it.
Yeah.
We'll come round, pick it up, hang out with it Maybe take it for a walk? Yeah, we could do that.
Yeah, why not? Yeah, I like it.
Take a look at that.
Oh, yeah.
Cuddle parties - friend of mine in the States told me about these.
But what the hell is it? Like it says here, it's for "developing intimacy and communication skills "in a boundary-appropriate setting.
" Sounds creepy.
Ah, see you've spotted the cuddle party advert.
What kind of weirdo goes to cuddle parties? Well, they're not all weirdos.
I go.
You've been to one of these? Yes, yes.
Several.
I find it quite rewarding, quite healing.
So you just go to a party and cuddle total strangers? - In an entirely non-sexual way.
- You still cuddle them.
If you want to.
It's not compulsory.
You don't have to cuddle at a cuddle party? No, no.
In fact, as it happens, I haven't actually given consent yet.
- I'm still working up to it.
- Good for you.
Once you make that leap, it changes you forever.
Makes you feel much more relaxed with the idea of physical touch.
- Sounds great! - Yeah! Yeah, it is.
Actually, shall I just pop that back up on the board for others to see? Sure.
Do you know what? I actually feel physically sick.
Maybe you should go with Michael.
I think you could use a cuddle.
- Oh, don't.
I even hate the word.
- Which word? "Cuddle"? Nah, don't say it.
- "Cuddle".
- Nah! Oh, come on.
Say it.
- I don't want to.
- It's easy! "Cuddle".
Marty, I don't want to talk about it any more.
I actually can't think of anything more disgusting than a group of people getting together for a big hug.
If people want to do it, then let them.
They're not forcing you to go.
Too right, they're not! Creepy.
I can't understand why you're not more disgusted.
It sounds harmless, and I'm sure some people benefit from it.
- Should be illegal.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not.
Anyway, why does everything have to be a workshop these days? It's pathetic.
What's up with you, then? No, no, I'm fine.
Just It's just Marty, his attitude.
I wish he'd set his sights higher, or we'll end up writing jokes about supermarkets for the rest of our lives.
- Have you said anything? - No.
What's the point? He's just lay.
He's cruising.
So, how did you get on with Pippa? Not good.
They're definitely splitting up.
What's she going to do about all her books? Put one of those slips in? "Correction - the author is now divorced.
" - It's very sad.
- Yeah, yeah.
I guess there are some things a cuddle party won't solve.
Oww! I didn't give consent.
Just went to the men's room.
No toilet paper.
I thought, "Where's Angie Patel when you need her?" Oh, no, she just had a miscarriage! Supermarkets.
Nobody uses the word "super" on its own nowadays.
"That really is a super hat you have on.
" "I had a super holiday last" - Oh, do shut up.
- Yeah, one of us is working, OK? Hey, Magda.
Sorry, there's no cleaner left for bath.
Really? - Yes.
- I don't know what to suggest.
Maybe try the shop? Mel said she would buy some today.
Did she? She must have been lying.
I can only apologise.
Oh, I forget.
There was telephone call before.
Don't worry.
They'll probably ring back.
It'll be for Mel, anyway.
No.
He wanted to speak with you.
Did he say what it was about? Mmm.
Was about a movie.
- Did he leave a number? - No.
I am sorry.
- Why didn't you get the number? - It was bad line.
He was telephoning from Los Angeles.
ct LA?! -Yes, from studio, movie studio.
- What was his name? - He did not say.
- Well, you should have asked him.
- He put phone down.
Relax, he'll call back.
He'll call back.
If he calls again, you want to speak with him? Oh, no, tell him to stick his movie! - Of course I want to speak to him! - OK.
Now I must buy cleaner for bath.
Excuse me.
Yeah, concentrate on the important stuff! She can't even take a message.
I might as well employ a six-year-old.
He'll call back.
If it's genuine.
What do you mean, "If it's genuine"? She might have got the wrong end of the stick.
Oh, that's it.
(CHUCKLES) You can't bear it, can you? A little bit of success comes my way - Whoa, Rick.
Nothing's happened yet.
- Yes, it has.
Someone's come to see me at one of these corporate gigs that you're so uninterested in, and thought, "Hey, you know what? "This guy's got something.
Let's give him a call.
" Maybe you got lucky.
I'm just saying stay calm.
I am calm! It's not lucky.
Luck doesn't come into it.
Then you've nothing to worry about.
He'll call back.
I know! I know he will! Stop going on about whether he'll call back.
I'm happy to hang around here.
Can't we at least get some lunch? Why do we have to go to the cafe? Let's stay here and make a sandwich.
You're afraid to leave the phone.
No.
I just don't want to see Michael when he's trying to cuddle everyone.
Oh.
OK! I mean, maybe it's not actually working.
There's a dial tone.
That sometimes happens and there's no call.
Common fault.
- Is it? - I'll ring it,just in case.
- Sure you're not panicking? - This isn't about the phone call.
I'm just interested to see if the phone is working.
(PHONE RINGS) There.
(PHONE STOPS RINGING) That shouldn't happen.
I didn't hang up.
There is a fault! I knew it! I bet he's been calling all day.
Poor guy's trying to make a movie, he can't even get hold of his actors.
It makes us look incompetent.
Sorry.
Telephone is ringing, but there's nobody there.
OK.
Thanks, Magda.
It's probably a fault.
I'll report it.
What if Los Angeles man is trying to telephone-call you and he can't make ring? Yeah, good point.
I hadn't thought of that.
(PHONE RINGS) That's him! Answer the phone, Magda.
No, let it ring a couple more times.
Answer it! - You don't want to appear desperate.
- Answer it! - One more for luck.
- Answer the bloody phone, Magda.
Hello? I can hear you.
Yes, he is here.
Would you? Here is Hi.
Yeah, yeah, it's Rick Spleen here.
Yeah, yeah.
No worries.
It's just past midday here.
Yeah, just chilling.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great! Yeah, I do.
Yeah? Yeah, OK.
He wants to speak to you.
- Me? - Yeah.
Phone for you.
Hello? - You seem a little annoyed.
- I'm not.
I couldn't care less.
What does annoy me is someone ringing me on my private line, wasting my time just because they want to talk to you.
That's unprofessional.
And rude.
Well, they didn't know how to track me down.
How do you know Will Stacey, anyway? From years ago.
We started on the circuit at the same time.
He always liked my stand-up.
Now he's a star and he wants me to help write his next movie All right, so you got lucky because you know someone.
Who wants me to help him write his next movie.
Why can't he write it himself? He must be panicking if he wants you to fly out there tomorrow.
I mean, how long you gonna be gone for, anyway? Couple of days? Couple of weeks? They're flying me out for talks.
They're not flying you out - they've bought you a ticket.
As you wish.
Well, I hope you get a blood clot and your legs drop off.
Not in First.
They've got flat beds, you can get a massage OK! So you're going to fly off to Hollywood and leave me to write the Greenways gags, are you? Well, that would be the plan.
Oh, don't forget - it's GreenWAY! That's marvellous news! - Isn't it fantastic? - Yup, isn't it? We have a star in our midst.
- Well, two stars.
- What? Oh, yes, yes.
Well, one and a half! (MICHAEL LAUGHS) - (MOBILE RINGS) - Better take this.
Yeah, why don't you? Hollywood! You must be delighted for him! I am.
That's the sort of break people in your business dream about! Nah, I personally don't, but it's good for Marty, yeah.
Good? Cool! I should coco! You read about these struggling writers who get a smash hit and there you go - cheque for $5 million, thank you very much.
- Not regular money, though, is it? - So what about you? Yeah, really good, couple of projects on the No, I meant, what can I get you? Would you like to try the special? Yeah.
Why not? I'll try the special.
MARTY: OK, Will.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, man.
OK.
See ya.
Bye.
Actually, this is rather good timing.
At cuddle party last night, there was a first-time hugger.
Congratulations, Michael! So this seems like an appropriate moment - Don't jinx it.
- Good point.
I was thinking - how's Rick going to come up with the funnies while you're sitting by your pool in Hollywood? I'm sure he'll be OK.
- I just do the typing.
- (CHUCKLING) As if! Actually, if you ARE looking for a writer No, just the special, thanks.
I buy book for telephone messages.
Good.
Fine.
I can write message and leave for you.
Yup.
If someone telephones, I can write message in here Yes, I think I see how the system works, Magda.
and you will know.
Because I am sorry.
Why? There's nothing to be sorry about.
But telephone call was for Marty and not for you.
It's fine.
Please, just forget it.
But I think you have been disappointed that telephone call was not for you, was for Marty.
Disappointed? Well, yeah, I was disappointed at the breach of etiquette.
They should have gone through the proper channels, but, no I'm happy for Marty.
- I'm glad he's going.
- Marty is going? MARTY: Have to pack and have the cat put down, and I'm ready.
Of course I'm joking - I've already packed! OK, bye-bye.
(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY) Moneypenny, any calls while I was out? No, but I have bought message book Oh, let's not go into all that again, please! - So, you are leaving? - Yeah.
Los Angeles.
Fly out tomorrow.
- But you are coming back? - It depends.
If it goes well, I might just come back to pick up my stuff.
Oh.
Well, we will miss you.
- Will we? - Thank you, Magda.
Come here, give me a hug.
I'll take lots of pictures and send them to you.
Thank you.
I would like that.
Right.
Well, I better get on with these supermarket gags.
Come on, I'll give you a hand with that.
Guess who I saw on the way home? Sam and Ben, walking along with about seven dogs.
So funny! Slightly chaotic, but So, Marty's off to America, then? Yep.
Apparently.
When's he going? Tomorrow, I think.
- That soon? - I think that's what he said.
- But he's coming back? - Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who cares? Like I say, he's been cruising.
I've been coming up with all the stuff.
Still, it must be nicer writing with someone.
No.
To be perfectly honest, the only useful thing Marty does is to keep me at my laptop.
I don't need to pay someone to do that.
So So, it could be "Goodbye, Marty?" Mmm? Hope so.
(CLOCKWORK TOY WHIRRS) (MOTOR WINDS DOWN) Probably better if he stays there.
Writing movies.
Yeah.
Or whatever.
"Woman have telephoned.
Would you like new windows in house?" That's a very efficient message service.
Wonder why Magda's started doing that.
Who knows? Did you see message about windows? - Yes, I did.
Thanks.
- I put it on a note.
I know.
That's how I saw it.
- So you don't want new windows? - No.
OK.
If woman telephones again, I will tell her this? Fine.
Just please don't leave me a message about it.
Of course.
So, Marty is going to America today? Yes.
He should be on his way to the airport now, hopefully.
And you can write without Marty? Yes! I'm looking forward to it.
It's better that way.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Magda.
Has Ben phoned? - No, I don't think so.
- No, he has not.
I buy book for telephone messages.
Oh, please! Please! Well, if he does call, can you let him know I had to head off? - Only, I'm really late, so - Right.
- Sam, who's this? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
This is Reagan.
- He's one of the dogs.
- Oh, I see! Sam, is this going to happen a lot, bringing them inside? No! No, Dad.
Definitely not, no.
Ben was supposed to take him off me so I could go to college, but he's not here because maybe I didn't arrange it.
So, what I was thinking was maybe I could leave him here for a bit.
And then, when Ben comes round, he'll take him.
- No.
Sorry, no.
- Yeah.
Ben will be here really soon, if that's OK.
No, it's not OK! Yeah, but, you know, it'll only be for a short while.
I could put it in the garden.
When will Ben be here? - Soon, soon.
Fairly soon.
- I don't know why I waste my breath.
All right - but if it stays in the garden.
Really? Excellent.
Super.
There you go.
And, oh, yeah, Dad, if he starts howling a lot, it's because he likes to be with people.
So you might want to bring him in for a bit.
Great, super.
Thanks.
(# BELL X1 : Eve, The Apple Of My Eye) You left it I sent it I want it back Now this applies equally To you and I The only thing that we share is the same sky These empty metaphors They're in vain Like can't you see The grass is greener where it rains You left, I died I went, you cried You came, I think But I never really know Bye! Yes, I looked it up on the Internet, those new seats they have in First Class.
Wide as a bed, they are, so he'll be having a super flight.
Yep.
- God willing.
- Lucky thing, eh? Just think, in a year, he might be famous and we will be sat here, saying, "Marty? "Yes, yes, we used to know him!" I don't think it's going to be quite Still, good anecdote for the memoirs, though? About the seats in First Class.
Yeah.
Yes, I look forward to reading all about it.
Do I seem a bit different to you today? Not really, no.
It's just that I went to cuddle party again last night.
Did you? Yes.
And I am now, officially, a cuddle buddy.
Well done.
Rick, hope you don't mind me saying, but you seem a little low.
- No.
I'm great.
- Must be a difficult time for you.
Not really.
Marty jetting off to follow his star.
Doesn't bother me.
- Mmm, leaving you here on your own.
- It was my choice.
I can't help feeling that I'm picking up a sense of rejection.
Me? God, no! May I? They'll all be fed up with him by now.
Five days of Marty is enough for anyone.
Be just past midnight there.
He won't be in bed.
He'll be swanning about some party, pouring champagne down his neck, banging on about this so-called movie he's supposed to be making.
Everyone'll be going, "Who's that guy? "Oh, he's a friend of Will Stacey.
"Oh, I get it - a hanger-on, "come over here, hoping to get his green card.
"Oh, wait, he's American, he doesn't need one.
" "That's all worked out very nicely!" At least you're not obsessing about it(!) You're not finding this easy, are you? Oh, it's fine.
It's hard, sitting in there on your own, tying to come up with jokes for the Fresh Lav ceramic toilet conference.
Of course I'm pleased for Marty, it's just Come here.
Oh - God, you're tense! - I'm sorry.
Can't get the image of Michael lunging towards me out of my mind.
Have you been in there since? Not bloody likely! It was all right when Marty was here.
We could go in there, have a laugh.
It would set you up for the afternoon.
Now I'm left to fend off Mr Cuddle Party on my own! Ugh! You'll be OK.
I mean, look at Pippa Coulson.
Has she made it up with her husband? No, but she's just been given a massive advance to write a book on divorce.
A book on divorce? Ohh Is it coming out in Pippa-back? (MEL LAUGHS) You see? You don't need Marty.
Yeah, they should call it Yeah, it's coming out in Pippa-backthat's good.
- Dad? Sorry, are you working? - Yeah.
It's OK.
So, how's the dog-walking business? Er, not good.
Yeah, no, well, it started off all right.
The dogs were cool, but the owners - The owners.
- Just so stressed out.
They were like, "What time will you be here?" We were like, "1 1 .
00? 1 2.
00?" And they'd go all mental about it.
What's it to them? And Ben was - Ben, you tell it.
- Yeah, Tuesday I had loads of dogs.
Um, what's his name? - Reagan? - Reagan.
And, um Loads of others, right? And I had to tie them up outside this record shop, cos I had to go in.
- Fair enough.
- Exactly.
Anyway, when I came out a bit later one of the owners is there - just went off on one.
I thought, "That's it.
I've had it with this lark.
" - Too much grief.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so - (Door Bell Rings) The thing is, Dad, some of the owners didn't pay us (MARTY'S VOICE in DOOR) so we were thinking, if you could lend us a bit and when the owners do pay us, we'll pay you.
Like, £40 Dad? How's it going? The weather was pretty good.
Hotel was amazing.
Did you get the job? I spent most of my time in the pool.
- One day, I rented a car - Yeah, yeah.
- Did you get the job? - Yeah, I got the job.
Great.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So, when do you go back? Hopefully, never.
I told them to stick it.
- What? - Yeah.
I get to LA - within 2q hours, I remembered all the reasons I'd left in the first place.
What about your mate, Will Stacey? The guy's turned into a complete asshole.
Coked out of his brain.
I knew if I stayed there, I'd start using again and I'd be dead by the time I'm 30.
OK, 40.
Must update my exaggerations.
Well, glad you've come to your senses.
That's why I came here, to get away from jerks like that.
It's precisely why I've never gone there.
It's amazing how success changes people.
That's why I like being with you.
It'll never happen.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
How was the Greenways gig? It was OK.
I met Hitler's long-lost cousin.
No kidding! What did he look like? Did he have the moustache? Just a little swastika.
And a lapel pin that said, "Hi! I'm a Nazi! How can I help you?" Acting Uh This is what I'm working on now - Fresh Lav.
Biggest suppliers of ceramic toilets in Europe.
Oh, man, I'm back.
I'm home! They're number one in number twos! - Is it a motion picture? - Oh, man, get out of here! - It's all right! Come on! - No, really, get out of here! - I could use that! - No, flush it! Please, put it away! (INAUDIBLE THROUGHOUT SCENE) (# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road)