Life in Pieces (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Hey, do you think the Lyft driver could tell we were drunk? Well, not the Lyft driver, but maybe the driver of the first car you got into.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi, Amanda.
Hey, how did Lark do? Great we played outside.
Until that guy with the shopping cart walked by.
Oh, yeah, that's a good call.
You're not going to believe this, but he's not actually going shopping.
Hey, I'm going to get out of these clothes.
All right? Put on some tunes, maybe fire up a scented candle? - I'm into it, I'm into it.
- Thank you! Uh, here, let me write you a check.
Thanks, Jen.
And I love those shoes.
Thank you.
Hey, you can borrow them for your sister's wedding if you want.
She called it off.
What? (gasps): I knew it.
What was it, secret family? Secret boyfriend and not hers.
Well, you know what I say.
Never trust a man with Botox.
Unless he's giving you Botox.
Honey, you coming to bed? JEN: I guess that's why you should never get your vows tattooed on your lower back.
Zing! (laughing flatly) You guys, uh, you good? BOTH: Yeah.
Well, I'm, uh I'm going to go put in my retainer and go to bed.
Okay, honey, love you.
Love you.
- Bye.
- Night-night.
Those are his special jammies.
It's like this every time.
Jen and I come back from a night out with a little buzz.
Things start getting a little hot, and then Start picturing your mom and it's over.
What? No.
Jen starts talking to our babysitter.
Next thing I know, it's two hours later.
They've opened up a bottle of wine, started chatting, and I'm sitting there in my silk pajamas for nothing.
You know, and those things got to get dry cleaned.
Your sex window closed.
Sex window? Yeah, you know, when you start having kids, you got a very small amount of time to have sex.
It's usually right after the kids go to sleep and before you're so exhausted that you fall asleep.
Yes! My babysitter's killed my sex window.
I'll tell you what you need to do.
Next time you want to go out, you hire Samantha.
She won't stick around and chat with Jen.
Teenagers do not like talking to adults.
That is a fantastic idea.
Yeah, and I'll drop her off and pick her up, that way you'll know she'll leave right away and your sex window stays open.
Just make sure you close it before Mom sneaks in.
Okay, wait are you talking about your mom or my mom? Whichever one's not weird.
I know we say it every year, but can this be the last year we go to the ugly sweater party? I cannot wait to take this thing off.
Well, I cannot wait to take it off of you.
(slurring): Hey, you guys are 45 minutes late! Oh, yeah, sorry.
We ran into these friends we hadn't seen in forever.
Oh, yeah, do I know them? Were they at the wedding? Was it the couple with the turtles? Doesn't matter who cares, right? It's time to get Sam home, right? Bedtime.
(snorts): I can't drive right now.
I'm sorry, what? You guys weren't here, so I started drinking.
What else am I supposed to do to pass the time? Uh, I don't know, uh, talk to Sam? I don't like talking to adults.
All right, well, I'm going to let you guys work out whatever this is, and I'm going to hop into my cozies.
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no cozies! Tim! Yeah, bro.
Can I talk to you for a second? Uh-oh, sounds like last call.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Why would you start drinking if you knew you had to drive home? Hey, not my fault you were late.
Besides I was still feeling that glow.
What glow? Well, you know, all the kids were out, so Heather and I had ourselves a good little time with the house all to ourselves.
- That's why you offered up Sam to babysit.
- Mmm.
You created your own sex window and you traded it for mine.
Had to you know it's hard to get that window open.
It's been painted shut with years of children and pets and intermittent weight gain.
Yeah, well, that's your problem, not mine.
Come on, we're getting in the car.
- No.
- Let's go, come on! Sam, come on, taking you home.
Come on, chop-chop.
(tinkling and crunching) All right! You're home, now get out.
Sam? Honey, thank you.
You ran over my bike! Oh, come on, like you ever use it.
SAMANTHA: Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I think Lark may be allergic to Yeah, yeah, she's a baby.
She's doing new stuff all the time.
(tires squeal) He's right, I never ride that thing.
Ta-da! No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Jen! (softly): Jen, wake up, don't close the window! Wake up, wake up, wake up! - Huh? Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Hi, I'm so sorry.
I fell asleep.
It's okay, because, look.
You're up now, so Yeah.
Okay.
All right, you know what? Let's, um, let's just set an early alarm and we can, we can try again in the morning.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Yeah, that's way better than doing it tonight.
Eh Okay, I love you.
Love you, too.
Okay.
(phone alarm going off) Yeah, right.
(alarm stops) I love my new vanity.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep a secret till Christmas, but I just got too excited.
Will you have it built before my sleepover tonight? Oh, yeah.
I promised makeovers, and some of my friends are in desperate need.
Well, that shouldn't be a problem unless your Uncle Matt holds me up.
What you begged me to help.
Well, Greg has his ultimate Frisbee game and Tim is hungover, so here we are.
Hey, Dad, how many, uh, fluber rods are we supposed to have? Well, I don't know about you, but I just got the one.
- (giggles) - No.
Huh? These things how many of these do the instructions say we're supposed to have? - This is the instructions? - Yeah.
Oh, I don't know what country this is from, but I guarantee you they couldn't beat us in a war.
Whoa, what are you doing?! Unless the instructions say to tear up the instructions, that's really stupid.
There's a picture right here of the finished product, and that's a lot more than Frank Lloyd Webber ever had.
And he did okay.
Right, but he had blueprints and a different name.
Well, excuse me.
Sir Frank Lloyd Webber, good for him.
Hmm, something must be wrong with the picture from the box.
(sighs): Okay, let's just go online and find an instructional video.
The wiffy password's seven, big S.
Now, just so I'm clear.
That little girl thinks her daddy's in Iraq and he's really hiding in a cardboard box in her school gym? Yeah, just watch her face when she sees him for the first time.
(crying): Oh, makes me want to re-enlist.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait till you see the one about the police dog that has to be euthanized and is walking past a line of officers.
Don't look at me, you don't want to see your old man cry.
Oh, my God.
You guys are watching videos? Sophia's friends are going to be here in an hour and that little Mallory needs a makeover.
Her bangs are so stale.
Okay, okay, all right.
- Let's focus, huh? - Yeah.
I think that this could help us.
Hi, guys! Today we are going to be putting together a vanity so I can look in it and see how ugly I am.
Just kidding! Comment below how pretty you think I am.
The best compliment is going to get a shout-out.
20 million people have watched this.
I want a shout-out.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Can we please just follow her instructions and finish this? Why don't you follow my instructions, huh? Go to my garage, grab a handful of 100 regular wood screws and my power drill.
Fine.
But don't you watch any sad videos without me.
I saw you eyeing the one about unlikely animal friendships.
Don't! All right, I think we got ourselves a vanity.
You want to give it a test drive, Soph, or wait for your ugly friends? - I'm going to try it.
- All right.
I'm giving you guys one star on Yelp.
Oh, we don't need handles.
It just takes you longer to get to your rouge.
(glass breaking) (muttering): We, we don't need mirrors.
It just encourages vanity Merry Christmas, Soph.
Is this a joke so I'll appreciate the real gift? Uh, yeah! There's no way we can fix this.
This is why we shouldn't have used wood screws.
Why didn't you say something? I've been following your lead.
Why couldn't we have just followed the instructions? Why'd you even ask for my help if you weren't going to listen to a word that I say? Hmm.
I miss hanging out with you.
Really? Well, you moved out of the garage and I miss having a buddy.
Greg may be our favorite, but you're the one I got used to having around.
Uncle Matt, are you crying? No, it's this damn police dog video.
Poor fella.
Yeah, he could sniff out a bomb, but, uh, he couldn't sniff out his own cancer.
Guys, I know you're having a moment, but my friends will be here any minute and I promised them a spectacle.
SOPHIA: Thank you so much.
Who needs a vanity for makeovers when everyone looks good in this light? (whispers): Even Mallory.
Well, may not have been exactly what we set out to do, but we made one little girl very happy this Christmas.
We sure did.
I wish Greg was here.
(flatly): Thanks, Dad.
Oh, you know who would really love this? Don't say Greg.
Okay.
Let's just watch the fire.
Let's try on some dresses.
(cheering) Well, you, not me.
I wait until after the store closes.
Merry Christmas, ladies.
WOMEN: Thanks, Chris.
We are going to find this bride-to-be's perfect dress.
(women exclaiming) Whoever cries first wins.
Oh, this is going to be so fun.
Whee! Honey, I know your mom couldn't be here, but don't worry, I'll be your substitute mom and I could even pretend things are complicated between us.
Anything, just to make this a special day for you.
Thank you so much, Joan.
Just don't run off with Chris, okay? Because that's something my real mom would do.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I feel like that's not an option.
You don't know her.
- This day is special for me, too - Oh! because I didn't get to do this for Heather's wedding because she was pregnant, and Jen bought her dress in a thrift store because she's edgy.
Yeah, hey, quick tip.
Go for the couture dresses first so they start pouring the good bubbly.
And then at the last minute, you go over and get a knock-off dress, because the champagne is already in our stomachs, so take that, bitches.
Let's try on some dresses.
(women exclaim) Well, you, not me.
I wait until after the store closes.
Come on.
Chris, honey, running on empty over here.
Thank you.
So, what do we think? That looks fun to dance in.
JEN: Yeah, it's I'm almost at a loss for words.
Joan, I'm going to pass the mic to you.
Terrible.
Oh, my Oh, I didn't mean that, honey.
- It just popped out.
- It's fine! You are beautiful.
Cut me off, it's the champagne.
COLLEEN: No, I'm not crazy about this dress, either.
It's just, Chris wanted me to channel my inner Chris.
Oh, don't do that to her, ever.
Oh, oh, no, sure you know what? I have some princess necklines and some cap sleeves.
My middle name is options.
Oh.
Isn't this so fun? OTHERS: So fun! Options! Anyone else sick of Chris? What about this one? Tavern hussy.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it's an upgrade from pirate wench.
There's more where this came from.
I don't mean to be dramatic, because that seems to be Chris's thing, but have we been here for 1,001 black, moonless nights? Yeah, maybe even longer.
But you know what, if you want to get out of here, all you have to do is, next time she comes out, tell her you love it, and then we can skedaddle.
I don't know, this seems like such an important thing to lie about.
No, come on, just make something up.
Here try it out on me.
Jen, I love how you You know what? I'm regretting this already.
Okay, but I have a good one for the next time you wear that outfit.
Okay, so when she comes out, you just tell her that it looks beautiful.
Oh, I need some more champagne if I'm going to lie like this.
I heard the C word.
What about this one? Boo! Okay, I'm going to keep trying, okay.
Joan! Well, I just can't bear the thought of her walking down the aisle in a dress that's less than perfect.
Hey, guys, check this out.
Huh? This is the dress I totally would have worn when I got married had I not been knocked up.
I think dressing like that is what got you knocked up.
Do you think that Colleen would mind if I wore this to the wedding? I mean, of course, she wouldn't mind why would she mind? I'm going to wear it, but let's keep it as, like, a fun surprise, so don't tell her.
(sighs) Hey, how's it going in here? Pretty good I think the next one's going to do the trick.
Okay, um, listen, Joan is feeling a lot of pressure to make sure that you find the perfect dress, and you should really just choose the one you want.
You know, the one that makes you happy, or really any dress, because this is a living nightmare.
I already picked a dress.
What? I want to wear my dream dress.
The dress I bought the first time I was engaged.
But then I found out that this day of shopping meant so much to Joan.
Okay, so we've, we've been here all day for nothing.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
I just thought I was being so thoughtful because I wanted this to be the day that she never had with Heather.
Well, that is very sweet.
- I thought so.
- Yeah.
But seriously, don't ever pull this crap with me again.
I got a sitter for this.
Oh, Chris, thank you so much for helping me find the dress of my dreams.
Oh, my wife wore something like that at our wedding.
Oh.
Confused? So was I.
- It's so pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
But you know it's not a dress, right? It's bridal lingerie.
Please don't ruin my special day.
(whispers): Clementine's been coming on to me.
Clementine who? Tyler's wife.
(laughing) Heather, someone ate my secret Pop-Tarts I had hidden behind the rice cakes.
I know they were there.
I was thinking about them all day and now they're gone.
(gasps): And my secret Reese's cups that were hidden behind the kale chips! Well, I'm sure somebody got hungry and ate them.
You know, there's more people in the house now.
Too many people in this house.
When I look under that treadmill, there'd better be a box of Krispy Kremes.
I don't think your dad wants me living here.
What makes you say that? I overheard him saying there's too many people in the house.
I'm the too many people.
Or maybe he's mad we're freeloading, which we are, and if we want to keep freeloading, which we do, we should go out of our way to be extra nice to him.
Okay, I could do that.
What are you doing? Hm? Let me do that.
No, you don't No.
Hey, that's that's my sponge mitt.
You just sit there and watch, and tell me if I miss a spot.
Sit! Heather! Heather? CLEMENTINE: Hey.
They all went out.
It's just you and me.
It's okay.
I won't let you get lonely.
Should I put on a show for you? What? No, I don't think that'd be appropriate.
Don't worry, I know what you like.
No, you don't.
When Sharks Attack, right? Oh, man.
- Things are about to get weird.
- Yeah? Listen, Heather, I think it's time you knew that Clementine's been hitting on me.
Clementine who? Our daughter-in-law.
I was hoping it would just pass, but she keeps sending me these signals.
Yeah, like the barista sends you signals, like when she puts a heart in your foam? Hey, they don't do that for everybody.
Some people just get a dollop.
Mm-hmm, yeah, listen.
Honey, I'm so glad that you told me this because I can go talk to Jen about filing a restraining order against Clementine.
No, you shouldn't have to live like that.
I mean, just in case, let's Just in case what? Oh, Tim's going to tell you.
Christmas is about to come early for you guys.
What's going on? This is going to sound crazy but, um (whispers): Clementine's been coming on to me.
Clementine who? Tyler's wife.
(laughing) Yes, I thought it was a little unbelievable myself, at first, but it's really happening.
So when she comes out here, you tell me if I'm wrong.
Oh, I could just tell you right now.
You're wrong.
(sighs): I hope this does the trick.
Guacamole is my dad's favorite.
He eats it like pudding.
I wish he didn't like it so spicy.
I got some of this habañero juice on my lips and now they're burning like hell.
Oh, let me help get that off you.
Ow.
(clears throat): That's really hot.
Mom? What, what, what? What's the matter? The only explanation I can come up with is that she likes dad bod.
I read about it, it's a real thing.
There's just some women who go crazy for a man shaped like a sturdy sack of flour.
That's why I'm thankful every day I'm so shredded.
All right, guys, watch closely.
So I know guacamole's your favorite.
Not today, I'm trying to cut back.
Oh, come on.
You deserve it.
Be a little naughty.
It's okay to cheat.
I'm not interested.
What do I have to do? Oh, my God, you're right.
Dad bod is real.
I'm going to let myself go.
(scolding): You're there.
What are you going to do? I just won't go anywhere near Clementine.
You think that's a good plan? (family talking) Oh, thank you so much.
Tim.
Here, I saved you a chair.
It's a little tight, but I like it cozy.
Okay, thanks.
Heather.
(whispers): Heather! Um, I asked Heather for permission to do this, so I hope it's okay.
This can't happen.
Why not? Because it's not right.
I'm sorry.
It's not right that I want to say grace? Oh, grace.
Huh? Oh Why don't you want her to say grace? Dad, this has got to stop.
You already made Clementine feel uncomfortable around the house.
I make her feel uncomfortable? Yes, and she's been trying all week to be extra nice to you so you'll be cool with her moving in with us.
Oh.
- Oh, that's - HEATHER: Hey, honey, why don't you tell everybody why it is you think that Clem's been being so nice to you? (shushes) What is he talking about? (hits table) Merry Christmas, everybody.
Silent night Holy night All is calm, all is bright Maybe we should move out.
Round a virgin got in a fight Sleep in heavenly peace.
Now one for Jen! Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel