Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s02e08 Episode Script

Well, a "halaqa" is where we study the Quran.
And "halaqa teen", is where we study the Quran, in a cool, teen-friendly way.
Okay.
How many of you have come here because you have questions about Islam.
How many of you have come here today because you parents made you.
- Assalamu alaikum, children.
- Wa alaikum assalam.
What is going on here? Huh? Halaqa study circle.
Boys and girls together.
You call this co-ed meat market a "halaqa"? If you cater any moral, you all go home.
- Okay.
- No, wait.
Kids.
I Season 2 Episode 8 Best Intentions Boys and girls study together.
When I run the mosque, that would never happen.
Uh uh.
Let me guess why that is.
Did you even have a class? - Yes, I did.
- And did anybody showed up? No.
None at all.
It was bad weather several Fridays in a row, whole year's worth.
So you see, Baber, it isn't easy to get teens to study Islam.
The only thing they were studying was head cleavage.
I'm trying to make it socially relevant, so I'm sorry, head cleavage? - Bangs all over the place.
- Baber, times changed.
As imam, it is your duty to make sure they do not.
You know what? You're right.
It's obvious I'm half the Muslim you are.
Who am I to argue with the "grand mufti" of Mercy? If we agree, then why are we arguing? Huh? You think before you speak, you're conservative but flexible, people love to hear what you have to say.
Hmm.
And then he said: "My beard was fetching".
You really piled on the compliments.
What compliments? He was stating facts.
Well, I hope he said "mashalla", otherwise, you might get the "evil-eye".
Huh? What is this "evil-eye" eh? Some sort of voodoo? When you pay someone a compliment, you're supposed to say "mashalla".
Means "thanks to Allah".
Otherwise you might give the other person the "evil-eye".
Bad things will happen to them.
Tck.
Let me get this straight.
It's er, Amaar forgets to say: "Musha musha", and he gets bad luck? Ha ha ha.
Huh huh.
Love your religion.
Only if Allah wills it.
It seems far fetched.
What is far fetched, is that Amaar would compliment you.
Huh huh.
Pfft.
- The cream in this tea is sour.
- Oh.
Ho ho.
"Evil-eye".
I was thinking: "Evil diner".
Oh.
Oh.
What's this? Remember how you were late for lunch yesterday? Yes? And remember how you were late for Rayyan's graduation? - There was a reason for that.
- And then there was a time - you were late for my mother's funeral.
- Your mother's not dead? - Is she? - No.
But when she dies, you will be late for her funeral.
I'm really starting to get creep out by this box.
- Open it, it's a new watch.
- Oh! I love it! Thank you darling.
- Seems to like you too.
- Yeah.
That will be er Hmm.
I must have left my wallet at work.
No problem.
Don't worry.
I can er put all this stuff back.
- Okay.
- Thanks, but for that Toblerone, I only ate one triangle.
Yeah.
You know, amazing enough, even one missing triangle seems to throw people off.
- I've never been in this situation before.
- It's okay.
Just take it.
- I don't really know what to do, uh - Just go.
Well, it's a bit of a moral quandary.
Because the Quran says that I should - You should leave.
- That's it? - And have a nice day? - Okay.
Mail delivery.
Ooh.
Flowers for me.
How romantic.
Uh.
Oh.
"Dear mayor, thank you for the zoning variance".
- Okay.
Not for me.
- And not so romantic either.
Why do people give me her stuff? Permits for the mayor, files for the mayor.
Package, that hopefully isn't a bomb, for the mayor.
Well, there's more to life than romance.
Okay.
Listen, I know I'm not on a biz.
But if it says "mayor" on it, just give it to the mayor.
I'm not her assistant.
Well, you do sit outside her office, and perform the duty of an assistant.
And she doesn't have an assistant she calls "her assistant".
So if you look around the office and you can't see the assistant, it's probably you.
Alright, fine.
Just leave her stuff with me.
Thanks.
If you can return the cart when it's done, that'd be great.
So, you stole a chocolate bar? No.
I didn't "steal" steal it, I just didn't pay.
You hardened criminals are all the same.
You probably think it's society's fault.
It's a chocolate bar.
It's not the heist of the century.
So tell me, did you case the joint first? Okay.
Stop.
I feel really bad about this.
May be I should just go back and pay.
This happened this morning, and you're coming out with that solution now? - I've been busy.
- Doing what? Eating my chocolate bar? Anytime you need spiritual counsel, I'm here to help.
Those're more like heckling.
But thanks.
- How's the watch? - Fantastic, darling.
It's more that just a watch.
This little guy has hundreds of functions.
Does "shutting up" count as a function? I'm sorry, I'm just a little tense.
What's wrong? Well, the mail-boy at the office thinks I'm the mayor's assistant.
It's a little demeaning.
Well, you did call him "mail-boy".
Well, I have better things to do than to be the mayor's mailbox.
Is it attention that you want? Because I'm right here.
Should I leave you two alone? Apologies.
So what's the problem? You're afraid to confront the mayor? No.
I'm afraid to confront the mail guy.
Oh, why don't you just get her a file scoop.
Plastic thing.
Goes on the door, put your mail in it.
- I like it.
- I'll install it.
Honey, you have six untended contracts this year.
So one more isn't going to set off any alarm bell, is it? Sorry, I thought my watch was going to go off just then.
No.
That would have been funny.
Hmm.
Lousy timing.
And then she said: Bad things will happen to me.
- Me, Baber.
- Fascinating stuff.
Can we go now? Alright, alright.
- Does not work.
- Ugh! - I'm going to be late for school.
- Just a minute.
Plus is positive, minus is? - I know.
- I should have taken my bike.
I've just run over your bike.
Ohh! People are starting to see town hall as a bloated, slow moving bureaucracy.
Starting to.
Well we're still catching on.
But I have a cheap solution.
- Scoops.
- Like, of raisins? Door scoops.
For mail.
Ah! Now I'm hungry for raisins.
Do you have any on you? Focus.
People are starting to lose important things around here.
Contracts that need signing, permits that need reviewing.
My system always works.
I have that "drop-box" in the other room.
- That's my desk.
- Really? Well it works.
Listen, next time you put out a memo, about how people shouldn't look you in the eye, - You won't lose it.
- I like it.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
I'll order the scoops.
Oh.
I mean the eye contact memo.
But you can do the raisin thing too.
Super.
So, how are you today, Baber? No unfortunate events? All is well.
Because I couldn't help noticing the bandage.
It's perfectly explainable.
I was bitten by a dog.
- That's bad.
Isn't it? - It's not surprising.
I was in its yard.
Why were you in its yard? I have to hop the fence to escape the bear.
You were being chased by a bear? They are not unusual down by the dump.
- Why were you down by the dump? - It's when my car hit a tree.
And all is well! I- I just want to order some breakfast.
You've just missed it.
Oh.
Subhanallah.
I need your help.
I- I have the "evil-eye", and possibly rabbis.
That's awesome.
Thanks darling.
Now we sit back and let the magic begin.
Creepy.
- That was anti-climatic.
- I don't think so.
Look at this.
- Well, there's nothing there.
- Exactly.
- Wow.
Did you make it do that? - No.
It did it by itself.
Neat.
I find it more eerie than neat.
Returning to the scene of the crime, huh? It's pretty risky.
Now they have security cameras in these places.
Ha hah.
Hello.
I would like to pay for a chocolate bar.
Uh, any one in particular? No.
I took one yesterday and I couldn't pay for it.
But the boy here said it was okay.
- But I would like to make up for it.
- Well I must say I admire your honesty.
- Yeah.
I guess I am pretty honest.
- Nah.
I have to talk her into it.
Uh, Bradley.
Can you come here for a second? - Is this the young lad that helped you? - Yes.
I thought so.
Bradley, you're fired.
- What? But - No, no.
He was just being nice.
This is a store.
Not a food bank.
I guess this is your good-deed for the day.
Huh.
You went on a shopping spree without me? A half-priced shopping spree.
I cut the ribbon at the store opening.
- How come I wasn't invited.
- They sent me a letter.
Aw! - What's going on? - Permit negotiations.
- Permit negotiations? - For a spa.
They gave me a free massage.
- Huh.
How come I didn't know about it? - I don't know.
It came in mail.
What's with the gas mask? You didn't hear about the anthrax scare? - Huh? Is it some kind of a drill? - Uh huh.
Well, did you try my remedy for the "evil-eye"? Yes.
I went to the mosque today.
I read the verse that you told me to read.
Wallah and naas 100 times.
I was there for 4 hours, but ho ho ho ho.
It was worth it.
Well I bet you feel better already.
I'll be alright.
As long as Amaar does not compliment me again.
Baber, saw you at the mosque today.
I was there for a short period.
Short period? Don't be modest.
He was there for 4 hours.
I had uh, many prayers to say.
You know Baber, I know we have our differences, but I must say I'm impressed with how devout you are.
No no.
Don't be impressed.
I'm just saying you're a very good Muslim.
Not any more.
Stop.
Baber, relax! I'm just trying to pay you a compliment.
Ugh! Ooh.
Do I have to say the - For starters.
- Oh.
Argh! - What happened? - Don't ask.
Hmph.
You know, we have been treating the symptoms.
- We need to treat the cause.
- Hmm.
There is only one guaranteed cure for the "evil-eye".
Even though I am an expert in Islam, it might be helpful to hear you say in your own simpler way.
The problem is: - Amaar envies you.
- Uh hmm.
The reason you have the "evil-eye" is to humble you, and bring you back down to his level.
Can't I come down just a little bit? Why must I come down as far as Amaar? Ugh! Go to Amaar.
Build his self-confidence.
Put a stop to his envy and to your "evil-eye".
I'll consider it.
Uhh.
Pfft.
This cream is sour again.
I know.
I poured it from the same carton.
I figured for you, it wouldn't make any difference.
I can't believe you ratted on me.
I didn't rat on you.
I was just telling the truth.
That's ratting.
You know that job, defined who I am.
- Come on.
You are not just a clerk.
- Now I'm not even a clerk.
Well, I've got a solution.
- Fatima, - Hmm? Brad here can fill that busboy position you have opened.
I don't know.
Can he speak Arabic? - You can't even speak Arabic.
- That's why I need someone who can.
Look.
He's really nice, and he'll never let anyone leave without paying.
Yeah.
Even if they're dumb enough not to bring any money.
I never realized what filtering the mayor's mail got me.
Lunches, massages, shopping sprees.
Now the scoop gets all the invites.
So, you're envious of a piece of plastic? It's acrylic! - I've an idea.
- Here it comes.
Ask the mayor to take it down.
Ooh.
I was expecting more of a scheme.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best.
Ah! Sometimes the simplest solution is the best.
Nice neck brace.
Is that a compliment? No.
I was being sarcastic.
Huh huh.
Good.
So, I'm here to spend time with my spiritual leader, to bask in your liberal, decadent approach to Islam.
Ahem.
That's nice.
You're well groomed.
Your beard-less face is soft like a little girl's.
Mashalla.
Noticed I said "mashalla"? I noticed you called me a girl.
What's up, Baber? Nothing.
I'm just bringing myself down to your level.
Perhaps I could help you with your "halaqa".
- You want to help? - Yes.
I realized that your value-less approach might have some value to it.
- Hey, how did it go with Brad? - Good.
He mop the floor, he bus the tables, he even counted the float for tomorrow.
I thought that kid showed promise.
- Hmm.
- What? It's supposed to be $50 here.
- But it's short.
- How much? I keep my bracelet here when I'm working.
It's gone.
You don't think Brad had his hand in the cookie jar, do you? I don't know.
The cookie jar is missing.
I'll take to Brad.
Okay Sarah.
So.
- First we need the scoop, - Yeap.
and then we have to get rid of it? Oh, they create an impersonal environment.
And Well, what if I choked to death at my desk, no one would notice for days.
Of course they would.
Your scoop would pile up.
Ahem.
Do you mind? You're in the way of the scoop.
Brad.
Hi.
- Uh, how did you find me? - Find you? I was just in the neighbourhood.
Why? Is there a reason that you would be avoiding me? No.
No reason you would be ashamed to show your face? Well I had a pimple, It's cleared up now.
I want the bracelet back now.
What bracelet? Brad, how would you like it if I stole your bike? Well, it's registered with the police, you know.
- So they got the serial number.
- Alright.
Fine.
Your bike lock then.
- Hey, come on.
That's expensive.
- Hmm hmm.
The bracelet.
Okay.
You might find a similar one at the pawn shop.
The 50 dollars.
I used it to buy the bike lock.
So Why is that trash can beeping? Are there any questions? Um, is it okay for a Muslim to listen to gangsta rap? - Well - Er let me get this one.
Interesting question.
No! You'll be swimming in hell fire.
What I think brother Baber means is that: As long as you choose your role models carefully, and think about the music critically, it's okay.
Alright.
Um, as usual, brother Amaar has distilled my thought to its core element revealing that I meant the opposite of what I said.
If prayer time falls right when we have volley ball match, is it okay if I wait till after? Why can't you pray during? On the court, in front of everyone? They give you knee pads, don't they? I suppose you can wait until half-time.
My parents make me do chores, but my brother never has to.
The reason is simple: He is a boy, you are a girl.
- But but but but - But, You should tell your parents that the Prophet Mohamed, peace be upon him, used to do house work.
In order to be a good Muslim, your brother must follow in his example.
- For real? - For real.
Well, anyway, thank you for helping.
Uh, no need for thanks.
No compliments.
Baber, you don't have to fish for a compliment No no.
I'm not fishing, believe me.
I am avoiding fish.
- Okay.
Anyway, thanks.
I just - Oh.
Nice weather we're having, huh? - Pardon? - Oh.
The weather very sunny.
- What I'm trying to say, Baber - Price of gold is up.
What? Uncertainty in any new market increases the value of gold.
Economics 101.
Right.
- Uh, anyway, I should get back inside.
- Yes, you should.
Thank you very much.
Good bye.
- Thanks again.
You're a real - I'm out of ear shot.
Bye bye.
Now the secret of pawn shopping is to always seem uninterested.
- Oh there it is.
- Or before it started.
- Aw, 50 dollars? - Just came in today.
Yeah.
This was stolen off a friend of mine.
And we really need to get it back.
- It's an air loom.
- Sounds valuable.
Make it an even hundred.
No you don't understand, we really need to get it back.
I hear what you're saying, but hundred is as high as I'm willing to go.
Let me handle him.
- Throw in that watch and it's a deal.
- Sold.
Sure? You don't know anything about that watch.
I know it's not beeping.
What are you so glum about? Well my desk used to be information centre, now I never know what's going on.
Are you sure you don't want to get rid of those scoops? Sorry, scoops stay.
Drown your sorrows in a donut.
Hey, are you going to Jennifer's pool party? - No.
When did it happen? - It's not until this weekend.
Isn't that the same weekend of the golf tournament we all get tickets to? Hey, wait a minute.
You guys talking about something that hasn't happened yet? Something from the future I could do because I heard about it? Um.
Yeah.
- So, can I get a ride to the golf? - Of course.
Hey, where's the donuts? So, you didn't want to be my mailbox, but you're happy to be a donut-table.
Oh.
I'm back in the loop.
I'm a vital part of this office.
Oh.
- We are out of crullers.
- Oh.
I'm on it.
- You want a donut, mayor? - No, thank you.
- They are delicious.
There's one left.
- Thank you.
No.
- The office is working much better now - Yeah.
Don't, - don't look at me.
- Okay.
Just a chocolate bar and I'm paying up front this time.
Wise choice.
Well, look at this watch.
Noiseless, efficient, dignified.
And on the back it says: "Happy birthday, Horus".
- Who's Horus? - I'm Horus.
That's my watch.
You mean Brad stole this too? You think I just fired him over a chocolate bar? Give him his watch back.
- Sales for $60.
- Dad? - I'm haggling.
- The police have the serial number.
Deal.
I have to say, I'm impressed.
- You're pretty good with the teens.
- It was nothing.
I can't believe how much you relax with the kids.
- Thanks to your guidance.
- And you know what? - You've got a knack for talking - Get a hold of yourself man.
You don't take compliments very well, do you? - You need to stop envying me.
- Come again? Amaar, Amaar, Amaar, denial does not become you.
Is confusion working for me? You are well liked.
Be proud of who you are.
Compare yourself to me will get you nowhere.
Baber, what are you talking about? - I don't envy you.
- You're just saying that.
No.
If anything, I - pity you.
- Really? Oh oh.
That's the best news I've heard all day.
Ho ho ho.
Thank you.
What was that about? As with all of my conversation with Baber, I have no idea.
Well, you cheered him up.
You're a good imam.
Thanks Fatima.
- Is this cream sour? - Could be.
Subtitle by: Kiasu.