Living In Your Car (2010) s02e08 Episode Script
Chapter 21
⪠Do your time to pay the price ⪠⪠for every thing you've done wrong, baby.
⪠⪠In your life, you get so high ⪠⪠there's nowhere left to go but down.
⪠⪠Don't believe that no one cares ⪠⪠'cause we're here waiting for you, baby.
⪠⪠Do your time ⪠⪠then come home for ⪠⪠then come home for good.
⪠Lori: Boomers still hold most of the power in the marketplace.
If you find a product they need, you will make money.
What's he doing here? It's nice to see you too, dad.
We can't invest in anything he's involved in.
Steve: That's okay, she's only using me as a stable boy.
Where's your idiot partner? He's still taking meetings on the coast, is he? You wanted out of the farm? Yeah, and Edward's buying me out at a very generous price.
He's a good kid.
Kate: I know.
I thought you liked it at Grandpa Phil's.
Kate: I do, but Mom wants me with her.
Steve: Why, she's afraid she's gonna be lonely in her fancy new condo? Maybe.
Look, can you try and be happy for her, please? Listen, your mother's business is taking off! Why wouldn't I be happy for her? Because her success makes you feel like a failure? Oh yeah, that's why.
I've been thinking maybe it's time that you, um, settled.
Steve: Settled for what? For whatever you can get.
Gee, honey, that sounds a bit like depressing.
Okay, sorry.
I mean for whatever you can get in the life that you're currently living.
Maybe you should go back to school.
Learn a trade.
I hear there's plenty of work for lab technicians.
Okay, and if I had even the slightest idea of what that was I might consider it, but Basically it's a job, Dad.
A job for a functioning member of society.
Uh-huh.
Peggy: You know, we filled out the forms, everything! I've also been thinking that you should get a girlfriend.
Why? Kate: You know, for the usual reasons.
I mean How's your sex life? Do you even have one at all? What?! What? Is that your father? Can I talk to him for a sec? Oh yeah, but be encouraging; He's a little depressed today.
Yeah, okay.
Hi, Steve? Yeah, get a life, everyone else has.
- Mom! - Oh, he'll live.
Come on! Peggy: You haven't even seen us in action! I mean, look at her! Look at her, she just screams mother, doesn't she? Kendra: I scream mother! Please don't leave! Peggy: Don't leave! Don't leave! Don't go! Oh fuck! Hey, what's wrong? What's wrong? Well, our dreams of adopting a beautiful little Chinese orphan girl has just been shattered, Steve, so we're quite upset.
She's upset; I'm pissed off! That guy's lucky I didn't deck him! Well, who was he? Peggy: We're not sure.
We think he was a representative of the Chinese government.
But he might just be Chinese.
You know, somebody they just use to warn people like us.
Warn you about what? To keep our hands off their children! Children they don't even want, Steve! Yeah, they don't want 'em, but they don't want people like us to have 'em either! So when you say people like us Kendra: Well, we're not talking about people who live in trailers.
No, they're okay with that.
But same sex couples, out of the question.
There goes that idea right over the window! Right out the window.
Depends on where the window is.
I think her point is, how does a same sex couple combat such discrimination? Yeah, that's all I was trying to say! So, any ideas? What she means is, is there any way you think you could help us out? Well, I mean you could start just by uh By acknowledging Acknowledging what? Nothing, nothing.
You know what? If you, uh, really wanna have kids I mean, if that's more important to you than maintaining this lifestyle that you've constructed just for reasons too complex for any mere mortal to understand What are you going on about? I'm just saying that you could do it.
Did you hear that? Yes.
Oh, my God, Steve, you really mean it? Are you really willing to help us out with this? What? I'm sorry? 'Cause we were actually planning on asking you anyway.
As a last resort.
Which it is, so if you're really serious about this, we could send you to Dr.
Freestop right now- okay, no, no, no.
Just wait.
Dr.
Freestop? Our fertilizer specialist.
Fertility specialist.
You have a fertility specialist? Just in case the Chinese government turned out to be as homophobic as we thought they might.
Which they were.
And you want me to go to him? Peggy: Her.
Go to her and get checked out, so you can Kendra and Peggy: Be our baby's father! Peggy: We're willing to pay you! Because getting paid is important to you, isn't it? Yeah, it is.
Normally.
Yeah, but Ooh! Did you hear that? He might be willing to do it gracias! Gratis, honey.
Oh no, honey, for free.
Is that true, Steven, would you even be willing to do it for free? No.
Definitely not for free.
So if you're not donating, what are you doing here? Well, I just wanted to see if you were real.
I beg your pardon? When Kendra or Peggy tell me about someone, there's always a chance that person is Might not actually exist? Well, or yeah, maybe exist in some other form.
Right.
So, well, now that you've seen that I'm actually real, I guess uh You can be on your way.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Dr.
Freestop: Just one thing.
If you weren't actually planning to donate, it was pretty cruel of you to get their hopes up.
Yeah, well, you know what? I didn't actually say that- Infertile couples are very emotionally vulnerable.
Didn't it ever occur to you, I mean you are aware that there's a There's like a more direct route they could be taking here, huh? You mean because Kendra is a man.
Well, yeah.
And you think this would be a great opportunity to force her to face that fact.
- Him! - You think it's a joke.
Force him, yeah.
Don't you? No, I don't.
Okay.
Well You know I've had a fair amount of experience with Kendra, and, uh, well The best way to help him - I mean, instead of ignoring his uh You know, his fantasies - would be to encourage him to get to the truth.
The truth is that he wants a baby.
Well, maybe he should just go ahead and take care of that himself.
- He can't.
- He's not able to? He is able to, but Kendra can't.
If this were Kevin- Oh, Kevin.
Okay.
So you know Kevin.
I mean, so you know that Kendra is Kevin.
Kevin is frequent contributor to our sperm donor program.
- Really? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
Well, then why can't Peggy just use Kevin's sperm? He doesn't want her to.
Why not? Well, that's just something you're gonna have to ask Kevin yourself.
So Kevin can and does, and Kendra just can't, and you're just sort of willing to go along with this? They are paying customers and this is a service industry.
And speaking of which, if you're not donating, I do have other patients I need to take care of.
Listen, just about the sperm Sorry, the sperm donor program, how much does it pay? For Kevin? Nothing.
He did it strictly on a volunteer basis.
But, uh, normally, we, uh We pay a hundred dollars a sample for those who qualify.
Great.
How do I do that? You're not willing to help your friends, but you're quite keen to help yourself? Quite a guy.
All right, uh Do you smoke? Drink? Cancer, heart disease in your family? Nope.
Is that all you need to know? No, that's just the start.
Can you roll up your sleeve please? You know what? I don't like needles much.
That's too bad.
If you wanna be a donor, you're gonna have to pass a genetic screening.
Steve: Do you like, um, advertise my IQ in some sort of a brochure or something? 'Cause I am very bright.
(Laughs) Jesus! Skittish, yeah? I mean, my point is, like you could charge a lot more for me.
We are just going to have to see - just hold that there - how many swimmers you actually produce.
This is like a fashion magazine.
All the hardcore stuff is being used.
You can go into room number four.
So I'm just supposed to just We'll let you know in a couple days whether you're viable or not.
Wow.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize somebody was Steve? Murray! What're you doing here? Had a podiatrist appointment, was looking for a washroom.
What are you doing here? Selling my sperm.
Murray: Really? I heard you were broke, but has it really come to that? Yes, it has, Murray.
Yes, it has.
Hey, Murray! Murray! Hold on a sec! Hey, Murray! Murray! Come on, wait! Wait! I don't have time to talk, Steve.
Steve: Come on, I just wanna know why you haven't returned any of the two dozen calls I made to your office! Murray: 'Cause there's no way in hell I could get you a job.
Steve: Aw, come on, Murray.
You're a head hunter; I got a head - a pretty darn good one, too.
Murray: Sorry.
How many executives did you place at Uncor, huh? You must've made about a half a million in commission from my company! Yeah, and now all those execs I placed with you are suing me! When you say all of them Some lawyer's representing them as a group.
Seriously? On what grounds? On the grounds that being associated with you ruined their employability! What kind of lawyer would dream up a half-baked scheme like that? You'll do just about anything to make money, won't you? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And this lawsuit could be my most lucrative and creative manoeuvre.
That's a conflict of interest, Neil.
You fired me as your lawyer, remember that? Yeah, you go ahead with this, I'm firing you as my friend.
You're overreacting as usual.
First of all, I just got back into town.
Okay.
So how did all those network meetings go for you? Yeah, as if you care.
My point is, I haven't even had time to reignite the case.
And I'm not suing you, I'm suing Murray! Okay, if he loses, don't you think he's just gonna turn around and sue me? Well, so what if he does? Fortunately, you're completely bankrupt and penniless.
Yeah, okay, listen.
I was hoping he could find me a job.
I need the money.
What? You need the money? - I need the money.
- For what? I got into a bit of trouble with Wendy.
She found out that I blew most of our life savings to subsidize my trip to Los Angeles, and on the TV pilots and stuff.
You used your own money for those? I assumed television stardom was just one good idea away.
Well, that's pretty reckless, Neil.
You're calling me reckless? Yeah.
How about that? Well, at least you can still practice law.
Not at my firm I can't.
Apparently my television antics humiliated the senior partners, so they put me on some kind of indefinite suspension, which is why I need to drum up some money on the side! Okay, listen, Neil.
You drop this lawsuit, Murray might be grateful enough to get me a job and I can start earning money again.
Which means I can rehire you as my lawyer and you can go back to charging me exorbitant fees for whatever it was you used to do.
I don't know if I wanna be your lawyer again.
When I walk down the street, complete strangers - pffftt! - They spit at me! And you think that's because you defended me? It probably has more to do with the ridiculous advice that you dispensed on your show! It's show business! It's show business, Steve.
No, it's show business; Only idiots believe that stuff.
Look, I get a high end job, you know, I can pay you back whatever it is I owe you in legal fees.
You owe me $97,000 dollars! Really? Well, that's nothing to sneeze at, is it? No, it's not.
All right.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
I'll tell all the executives that you're screwed over; That the lawsuit has no chance of succeeding.
They'll just believe you? All my clients believe everything I tell them.
It's the thing I enjoy the most about being a lawyer.
Just make sure whatever job Murray gets you is worth it.
Oh, not to worry.
No, he knows my true value.
For sure.
Things are going even better than I hoped.
I'm closing on three or four of the units in this building every week, but I need a partner or I'm gonna get swamped.
That's it? That it, I have the job? I guess with the kind of money you're offering, I'm surprised you're deciding so quickly.
Are you kidding me? I said to Murray send me somebody like Steve Unger.
And who does he send? Unbelievable.
How long's he been keeping you on the shelf? Ah, well, quite a while, you know.
He's just been waiting for the right thing to come up.
Yeah, he told me he was afraid your history made you unemployable.
Yeah, well, you know, it has affected I never bought any of that stuff they put you through.
It seemed to me you were being punished just for being rich.
Actually, I was being punished for being guilty.
Yeah, guilty of doing what you were born to do.
Make money.
Look, my banker guy's gonna be along in a couple of minutes.
Let's just go over the business model one more time, just to make sure you've got it down.
Steve: Well, I mean, it seems simple enough.
You offer to buy an existing apartment building and arrange to have it converted into a co-op.
To raise money, you sell each unit in the apartment building, uh, to an investor looking for an income property.
Warren: And because I'm in tight with the banks, the investors don't have to put down a cent.
Yeah, they just have to assume their part of the mortgage on the building.
But the investors never make a single payment, because the rent from the existing tenants - covers the debt.
- Yeah, yeah.
So you just manage the property, and just take a percentage of the overall home - as a transaction fee.
- A large percentage.
And very well deserved if you ask me.
I mean, just simply for coming up with the idea! Warren: Well, here we are.
Steve: Okay.
Warren: 23 units, all with tenants.
I want you to run with this one.
Lock down the rest of the investors, get the deal closed.
On my own? Hey, I'm heading to Europe to look for more properties.
I figure between the two of us, we can triple the value of this company inside a year.
Listen, I don't know what to say.
- Say you're in.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm in all right! I'm about as in as you can get.
Thank you, Warren! Steve Unger! Back from the dead! Hey, there's my banker guy now.
We'll do a quick how do you do.
He'll look over the property, get the mortgage approved in record time.
Without a down payment? Yes, but with a signed guarantee of all 23 investors.
Steve Unger! It's a pleasure! It is? (Car rumbles) Warren: Well, here we are.
Steve: This is it? Warren: Yeah, well, it's not much to look at, but, uh, I'm a big believer in keeping the overhead low.
Which is why he's one of our favourite clients! (All laugh) Well, go ahead, Steve, Ruby'll give you the tour.
Steve: Ruby? Warren: Office manager.
She's a bit of a hottie, so, don't making a fool of yourself.
Like I did, you mean? Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.
Okay.
I'll just, uh, yeah.
So, it was, uh, it was great meeting you.
Yeah, right back at ya.
(Steve laughs) So, what do you make of him? Oh, he's perfect.
Well, his reputation should definitely work in our favour.
Yeah.
Like I said, it's perfect.
Steve: So is it just you here, Ruby? Ruby: Yeah.
How often does Warren come in? Ruby: Never.
Because he spends all his time on the sites, huh? I guess, yeah.
Okay.
So, um I think we're gonna need a better filing system.
Ruby: Okay.
Why? Steve: Well, I mean, just with all the stuff in boxes, isn't it kinda hard to find things? Ruby: What things? Steve: You know, documents- Look, I gotta be honest.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.
Warren told me you run the office.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I answer the phone when it rings, but Okay, look.
I used to cut Warren's hair, right? And then one day I just mentioned I might be interested in getting into something else and he offered me a job.
Hmm.
So you have no actual business experience.
No.
But he said that was a good thing.
He said he didn't want anyone with a locked in way of doing things.
Yeah, so much more can be accomplished with an open mind.
- Yeah.
- All right.
So is uh Is this my office? I guess.
My chair.
Oh, yeah.
It's like old times.
Just like old times.
Ruby: Oh, uh, we've been getting a lot of calls from investors.
About? I think there could be a problem with the last deal Warren closed.
A big problem? Maybe.
Whatever.
There's no problem Steve Unger can't handle.
Yeah.
Steve Unger! (Laughs) But Warren said that he'd cover the mortgage payments if the tenant left until I was able to rent it out again.
I'm on the hook for two grand a month.
I'm about to default on a mortgage that my wife didn't want me to take out in the first place! You know what? I'm sure he'll be taking care of that soon.
How soon? Just as soon as he returns from his business trip.
Look, she's pregnant, okay? And the last thing I wanna do is go and tell her, hey, you know Our credit rating - down the toilet.
So you just can't cover the payments until we have a chance to get a new tenant in? No, no.
I cannot, okay? My salary is not enough.
When she was working as a lab technician maybe, but maternity benefits are not enough to cover- Lab technician? Is that an emerging field? (Snaps) Focus! Sure.
We'll get back to the focus.
Okay.
Yeah, I just think you have nothing to worry about, Mr.
Mustang.
I thought you might want some fruit.
Steve: Oh thanks, Ruby.
Okay, I'll be at my desk.
That's Ruby, she's my assistant.
How many other investors called with the same problem? About twelve so far.
What are we looking for? Steve: None of these records make any sense at all.
I mean, I can't find a coherent list of investors or hard documentation for like any of the deals he's done.
It's just Wait, wait, wait.
Well, here's something.
Ruby: Warren's still not answering.
Steve: Wow.
The numbers on these parking spaces correspond to the names of the investors in this deal here.
Which means? Well, it could mean that they thought they were buying condos, but they were actually just buying parking spaces.
Really? That'd be kinda crazy, wouldn't it? Kinda crazy is just one of the things it would be, Ruby.
Yeah.
Are you sure? Well, this is the address, these are the names, those are the numbers.
So what's going on? I don't know.
So he just stuck his sign over this one.
So this whole thing is Is just a giant scam? Yeah, yeah.
It looks like he used the investors to get the bank's money, and then the bank either didn't exercise any real diligence, or Or what? Or his guy at the bank was in on it.
Really? A crooked banker? Yeah.
Imagine that.
Well, what did he need us for? Well, you're running the office to make the business seem real, and I am here to My God, I could be in serious trouble.
- Why? - Because I'm here to take the fall for the whole thing, Ruby.
- But you didn't do anything wrong! - Yeah, yeah, but Warren probably figured that, given my past, everyone would just assume that - Oh my God! - Are you okay? No, no.
I'm not.
I just have this very strong hunch that Warren and his crooked banker pal have just taken off with all the bank's money and that I'm screwed.
Oh, you poor guy! So am I screwed too? Uh, no, no, no.
I'll just tell them you didn't have anything to do with it.
Good.
I'll tell them you didn't have anything to do with it either.
So We're both screwed, yeah.
Yeah.
Steve: I didn't actually do anything wrong.
I might have.
I mean, since I didn't actually know what I was doing.
Ex-cop: How'd you get mixed up in this? Money.
It's always about the money.
Right, Steve? Steve: Yeah, yeah.
It's possible money actually destroys common sense.
No, easy money destroys common sense.
Deep down I probably knew something was wrong with the operation.
I didn't have a clue.
Hey, maybe you should try saying that to them.
Yeah, tell them you're too stupid to have known what was going on.
(Laughs) That's an interesting couple.
They're getting married.
I'm still not sure how I feel about gay marriage.
They're not gay.
Ex-cop: Well, if they're not gay, pal, one of them's actually a dude! Steve: Yeah.
The tall one.
I just love weddings, you know? No matter who's getting married.
You know, in Portugal, weddings can go on for days, and people are drinking and smoking.
Oh, it's beautiful.
That's great.
Maybe you can go as Steve's date.
- I'm not invited.
- Why not? They wanted my sperm.
Excuse me.
You know, I do kinda miss our old meetings.
Oh man, me too! Hug! Yeah, no.
We used to get together and discuss ethics.
Sounds like fun.
I hear you're getting married, huh? Yeah, you can't come though.
Peggy's too angry to even look at you right now.
Yeah, well, she's looking at me, but not in a very nice way.
Is this all because I wouldn't become a donor? Well, it was pretty upsetting to realize you didn't think I was good enough to carry your baby.
You know what, Kendra? Can we just this once acknowledge the truth about your situation? - Which is? - Kendra is not physically equipped to carry a child, because he's You're a man.
You are a man named Kevin.
I'm a woman.
A woman named Kendra In every way that matters.
Well, not in every way, no.
Steven, please stop doing this! I'm really committed to making this work! - Making what work? - Kendra! I feel that through Kendra, I can be completely fulfilled! Especially if I can have a family! Well, look.
You know, there's always Peggy.
You'd let us put your sperms in Peggy? No! You could put your sperm in Peggy.
No, I mean, we could put Kevin's sperm in Peggy.
I mean, from what I understand, he's quite prolific when it comes to donating.
No way! I don't want my baby having his genes.
You mean you don't want your baby having your genes.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore, it's too upsetting! (Sighs) Peggy: Sweetheart, oh! Hey, she seems nice.
She's a he.
Please never forget that.
I mean Ruby.
Ruby? Oh yeah, yeah, she is.
And she likes you.
Why wouldn't she like me, Bruno? I'm a very likeable guy.
Except to the many people who hate me.
Yeah, but they all have very specific reasons for that.
Steve, she likes you! Oh? Look at the body language.
Oh! (Dog barks) (Sighing) Oh, Jesus! What? Neil? Is that you? Neil?! Hhhh! Just let me sleep in just one more hour.
What the fuck are you doing here?! What? I had to get somewhere to sleep.
What? Who's that? It's Ruby! (Grumbling) Jesus Christ! You stupid asshole! Neil: Shut up! What's going on, Neil? Remember I was talking to you earlier about, you know, Wendy and I, the troubles we're having? Well, I was kinda (Sobs) Underselling it a little bit.
She threw you out? Yeah.
But you know what? It's okay.
Don't you worry, you know, 'cause it's only, you know Until you con her into taking you back? Either that, or until I get back on my feet again.
The senior partners? Get this! The senior partners, they've made my suspension a little more permanent.
What do you mean, "a little more permanent"? A little more permanent.
Yeah, they've gone and - go ahead and spit.
You know, the bastards, they're like fucking me.
They're like fucking with me, you know what I mean? So they haven't closed the door completely, right? They're not gonna have me back! There's no way they're gonna have me back! But you know what? I don't care! I don't care.
You wanna know why? Why? Because I was not meant to be a lawyer.
Spit.
Right.
You were meant to be a television host.
Yes, exactly! I was meant to be a television host and I'm not gonna stop trying.
I'm gonna keep on trying.
I realize now that I was just trying too much! Too much, too fast, you know, in front of the camera.
What I need is just some real training in order to perfect my chups! - Chops.
- My chops, yes! Which means? Which means I am going to join a community theatre! I want you out of here in a day.
Two at the most.
Then alas, I-I shall away! Forthwith-ith! Asshole! Steve: So basically what I'm saying is this: You blew it.
I mean, technically, it was all Warren's fault.
He's the criminal.
The criminal who's probably on his way to some country he can't be extradited from, with roughly $30 million dollars of your money.
But come on, let's be honest.
Warren was just taking advantage of the system you guys put in place.
A system where nobody bothers to do the most important part of the job, and that is to see if the collateral for any loan large enough to pay one or more of your fat transaction fees even exists.
Because if you pay someone not to see the truth, they won't see the truth.
Especially if they can be bought, like Warren bought your colleague.
I won't even get into how you let that happen.
Anyway, I started thinking that since you're getting paid not to see or hear the truth, and you're hiring people who actually hide the truth, maybe it's time you started paying somebody to recognize the truth about some of these transactions and to actually report that truth back to you.
You know, just in case your shareholders wise up to how you operate.
I mean, Ruby, it's sad but true; I can think like a thief.
And so when I put it to them that way, I think they realized I was making them a pretty good offer.
So you're a bank cop.
Yeah.
Independent contractor.
So I can make them back the money they lost on Warren by stopping frauds before they go too far.
Oh yeah.
So listen, they gave me this stack of, uh, potential loans that they're about to approve.
So if I find anything fishy, then I get a percentage of the money that, uh, you know, they would've lost.
Can I help? Sure.
Okay, so let's see.
Oh, this will be more than a bit awkward.
Why? It's my ex-wife.
(Gasps) Kate: (Sighs) Mom never owned that entire farm, she only owned half of it! I know.
And even though she doesn't own any of it anymore, she's led the bank to believe she still owns all of it.
So she lied.
Well, she exaggerated her worth.
No, she lied.
She did what she had to do to make it happen.
I mean, I did the same thing when I started Uncor.
Yeah, Neil helped me inflate the value of a couple of properties I owned so I'd qualify for a bigger loan.
It's the kind of thing basically honest people do all the time in business.
I don't.
But you're not above cutting a few corners, - and this is basically-- - A totally different thing! Dad, I would never lie about thkikind of collateral I made just to get a bigger bank loan.
I'd come up with a way to earn it, or I'd make use of a loan that I could actually afford! Yeah, well that's one of the things that makes you an exceptional human being, honey, you know, but most people aren't above saying to themselves, you know, if I could just raise a few hundred thousand more, I could really get this business off the ground.
More likely she needed it for the outrageous fees that she's paying on this place.
It is a bit much.
But your mother needs to raise a lot of money to get her business going.
When you're reaching out to certain level of people, you need to maintain an air of Of bullshit? So here's my dilemma: Should I turn her in? Not unless you want a bigger dilemma.
Yeah, it's probably something that would make her actually carry out her threats.
To kill you.
I have nightmares about that sometimes.
You're donating sperm to a man who believes he can carry a baby? More likely to his partner.
His partner.
That's the other guy who thinks he's a woman? His partner is a woman.
They're getting married.
It's a wedding present.
Like a tea set won't do the trick? Hey, hold on a minute.
Hey, doc! Kendra no longer requires your donation.
She's going to use Kevin.
Oh, well, that's good.
So what am I doing here? I wanted to let you know that you passed the screening, so that means you can donate.
Great! Well, okay then.
Sign me up! What? What're you signing up for? It appears that at last, I'm gonna be gainfully employed.
I'm qualified to be a full-time sperm donor.
Well, congratulations to you.
What about the, uh, the bank cop job? Steve: I'm not sure what to do about that.
I just need you to fill out some paperwork, and then, uh, you can get started.
Steve: (Laughs) Okay! You're gonna let Lori away with fraud, aren't you? You know what? You didn't refer to it as fraud when you helped me do it fifteen years ago.
Listen, if this is gonna become a, you know, another episode of the blame game, I got more important things to do.
Okay.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Away, away! Anon! Anon! Ladies, let's please Let's run the lines one more time, please.
Lori: What'd I do? What'd I do? Kate: Nothing specific.
Lori: So just like that, you're going to move in with my parents? Actually, I'm moving in with Dad's parents this time.
Lori: What? Hi, Dad! Kate: I need to be around people who are incorruptible for a while.
Don't take it personally, Mom.
Really.
Well, it's kinda hard not to take it personally.
Look, you have your strong points just like Dad.
Wait, where did this come from? Did somebody say something about me? Don't be upset.
We can still see each other, I just need some different influences in my life.
Come and stay anytime, obviously.
Well, it's kinda hard when your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you! Ah, that'll pass.
Mom, I think I finally understand why you and Dad got married.
But Bruno: Peggy and Kendra will be saying their own vows now.
I love you.
Me too.
That's it? Isn't that enough? Okay, no.
Uh, I'll keep it short too.
Um because of the power vested in me just a few minutes ago by the Internet, I can now pronounce you Married.
(Guests cheer and applaud) It was kinda beautiful in its own way.
You're a very sensitive man, Steven.
Yeah.
Peggy: Awww! (Laughs) (Cl l phone rings) Excuse me, I I guess I should take this.
Hello? I guess you heard Kate moved out.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Mom says she's doing great over there though.
I should've just raised her myself; We wouldn't be in this situation.
What situation? The one where our daughter doesn't wanna live with her parents, Steve.
Oh, she still loves you, Lori.
You know, she's just like asserting herself.
It doesn't really mean anything.
It means that I'm being tainted once more by my association with you.
So, thanks for ruining my life yet again.
Peggy and Kendra: Thank you! Thank you! (Knocks) Lori: Hi! So, you're sure about this, Ms.
Klein? I need a child around.
I just do.
- So you made your choice? - Yes.
I have studied every single candidate on the market and I've narrowed it down to exactly the right attributes this time.
Let's do this! Okay.
Hmm.
(Sighs happily) Eek! ⪠⪠Anticipating ⪠⪠waiting for the day to come.
⪠⪠Better realize ⪠⪠that everything is over.
⪠⪠It's over.
âª
⪠⪠In your life, you get so high ⪠⪠there's nowhere left to go but down.
⪠⪠Don't believe that no one cares ⪠⪠'cause we're here waiting for you, baby.
⪠⪠Do your time ⪠⪠then come home for ⪠⪠then come home for good.
⪠Lori: Boomers still hold most of the power in the marketplace.
If you find a product they need, you will make money.
What's he doing here? It's nice to see you too, dad.
We can't invest in anything he's involved in.
Steve: That's okay, she's only using me as a stable boy.
Where's your idiot partner? He's still taking meetings on the coast, is he? You wanted out of the farm? Yeah, and Edward's buying me out at a very generous price.
He's a good kid.
Kate: I know.
I thought you liked it at Grandpa Phil's.
Kate: I do, but Mom wants me with her.
Steve: Why, she's afraid she's gonna be lonely in her fancy new condo? Maybe.
Look, can you try and be happy for her, please? Listen, your mother's business is taking off! Why wouldn't I be happy for her? Because her success makes you feel like a failure? Oh yeah, that's why.
I've been thinking maybe it's time that you, um, settled.
Steve: Settled for what? For whatever you can get.
Gee, honey, that sounds a bit like depressing.
Okay, sorry.
I mean for whatever you can get in the life that you're currently living.
Maybe you should go back to school.
Learn a trade.
I hear there's plenty of work for lab technicians.
Okay, and if I had even the slightest idea of what that was I might consider it, but Basically it's a job, Dad.
A job for a functioning member of society.
Uh-huh.
Peggy: You know, we filled out the forms, everything! I've also been thinking that you should get a girlfriend.
Why? Kate: You know, for the usual reasons.
I mean How's your sex life? Do you even have one at all? What?! What? Is that your father? Can I talk to him for a sec? Oh yeah, but be encouraging; He's a little depressed today.
Yeah, okay.
Hi, Steve? Yeah, get a life, everyone else has.
- Mom! - Oh, he'll live.
Come on! Peggy: You haven't even seen us in action! I mean, look at her! Look at her, she just screams mother, doesn't she? Kendra: I scream mother! Please don't leave! Peggy: Don't leave! Don't leave! Don't go! Oh fuck! Hey, what's wrong? What's wrong? Well, our dreams of adopting a beautiful little Chinese orphan girl has just been shattered, Steve, so we're quite upset.
She's upset; I'm pissed off! That guy's lucky I didn't deck him! Well, who was he? Peggy: We're not sure.
We think he was a representative of the Chinese government.
But he might just be Chinese.
You know, somebody they just use to warn people like us.
Warn you about what? To keep our hands off their children! Children they don't even want, Steve! Yeah, they don't want 'em, but they don't want people like us to have 'em either! So when you say people like us Kendra: Well, we're not talking about people who live in trailers.
No, they're okay with that.
But same sex couples, out of the question.
There goes that idea right over the window! Right out the window.
Depends on where the window is.
I think her point is, how does a same sex couple combat such discrimination? Yeah, that's all I was trying to say! So, any ideas? What she means is, is there any way you think you could help us out? Well, I mean you could start just by uh By acknowledging Acknowledging what? Nothing, nothing.
You know what? If you, uh, really wanna have kids I mean, if that's more important to you than maintaining this lifestyle that you've constructed just for reasons too complex for any mere mortal to understand What are you going on about? I'm just saying that you could do it.
Did you hear that? Yes.
Oh, my God, Steve, you really mean it? Are you really willing to help us out with this? What? I'm sorry? 'Cause we were actually planning on asking you anyway.
As a last resort.
Which it is, so if you're really serious about this, we could send you to Dr.
Freestop right now- okay, no, no, no.
Just wait.
Dr.
Freestop? Our fertilizer specialist.
Fertility specialist.
You have a fertility specialist? Just in case the Chinese government turned out to be as homophobic as we thought they might.
Which they were.
And you want me to go to him? Peggy: Her.
Go to her and get checked out, so you can Kendra and Peggy: Be our baby's father! Peggy: We're willing to pay you! Because getting paid is important to you, isn't it? Yeah, it is.
Normally.
Yeah, but Ooh! Did you hear that? He might be willing to do it gracias! Gratis, honey.
Oh no, honey, for free.
Is that true, Steven, would you even be willing to do it for free? No.
Definitely not for free.
So if you're not donating, what are you doing here? Well, I just wanted to see if you were real.
I beg your pardon? When Kendra or Peggy tell me about someone, there's always a chance that person is Might not actually exist? Well, or yeah, maybe exist in some other form.
Right.
So, well, now that you've seen that I'm actually real, I guess uh You can be on your way.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Dr.
Freestop: Just one thing.
If you weren't actually planning to donate, it was pretty cruel of you to get their hopes up.
Yeah, well, you know what? I didn't actually say that- Infertile couples are very emotionally vulnerable.
Didn't it ever occur to you, I mean you are aware that there's a There's like a more direct route they could be taking here, huh? You mean because Kendra is a man.
Well, yeah.
And you think this would be a great opportunity to force her to face that fact.
- Him! - You think it's a joke.
Force him, yeah.
Don't you? No, I don't.
Okay.
Well You know I've had a fair amount of experience with Kendra, and, uh, well The best way to help him - I mean, instead of ignoring his uh You know, his fantasies - would be to encourage him to get to the truth.
The truth is that he wants a baby.
Well, maybe he should just go ahead and take care of that himself.
- He can't.
- He's not able to? He is able to, but Kendra can't.
If this were Kevin- Oh, Kevin.
Okay.
So you know Kevin.
I mean, so you know that Kendra is Kevin.
Kevin is frequent contributor to our sperm donor program.
- Really? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
Well, then why can't Peggy just use Kevin's sperm? He doesn't want her to.
Why not? Well, that's just something you're gonna have to ask Kevin yourself.
So Kevin can and does, and Kendra just can't, and you're just sort of willing to go along with this? They are paying customers and this is a service industry.
And speaking of which, if you're not donating, I do have other patients I need to take care of.
Listen, just about the sperm Sorry, the sperm donor program, how much does it pay? For Kevin? Nothing.
He did it strictly on a volunteer basis.
But, uh, normally, we, uh We pay a hundred dollars a sample for those who qualify.
Great.
How do I do that? You're not willing to help your friends, but you're quite keen to help yourself? Quite a guy.
All right, uh Do you smoke? Drink? Cancer, heart disease in your family? Nope.
Is that all you need to know? No, that's just the start.
Can you roll up your sleeve please? You know what? I don't like needles much.
That's too bad.
If you wanna be a donor, you're gonna have to pass a genetic screening.
Steve: Do you like, um, advertise my IQ in some sort of a brochure or something? 'Cause I am very bright.
(Laughs) Jesus! Skittish, yeah? I mean, my point is, like you could charge a lot more for me.
We are just going to have to see - just hold that there - how many swimmers you actually produce.
This is like a fashion magazine.
All the hardcore stuff is being used.
You can go into room number four.
So I'm just supposed to just We'll let you know in a couple days whether you're viable or not.
Wow.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize somebody was Steve? Murray! What're you doing here? Had a podiatrist appointment, was looking for a washroom.
What are you doing here? Selling my sperm.
Murray: Really? I heard you were broke, but has it really come to that? Yes, it has, Murray.
Yes, it has.
Hey, Murray! Murray! Hold on a sec! Hey, Murray! Murray! Come on, wait! Wait! I don't have time to talk, Steve.
Steve: Come on, I just wanna know why you haven't returned any of the two dozen calls I made to your office! Murray: 'Cause there's no way in hell I could get you a job.
Steve: Aw, come on, Murray.
You're a head hunter; I got a head - a pretty darn good one, too.
Murray: Sorry.
How many executives did you place at Uncor, huh? You must've made about a half a million in commission from my company! Yeah, and now all those execs I placed with you are suing me! When you say all of them Some lawyer's representing them as a group.
Seriously? On what grounds? On the grounds that being associated with you ruined their employability! What kind of lawyer would dream up a half-baked scheme like that? You'll do just about anything to make money, won't you? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And this lawsuit could be my most lucrative and creative manoeuvre.
That's a conflict of interest, Neil.
You fired me as your lawyer, remember that? Yeah, you go ahead with this, I'm firing you as my friend.
You're overreacting as usual.
First of all, I just got back into town.
Okay.
So how did all those network meetings go for you? Yeah, as if you care.
My point is, I haven't even had time to reignite the case.
And I'm not suing you, I'm suing Murray! Okay, if he loses, don't you think he's just gonna turn around and sue me? Well, so what if he does? Fortunately, you're completely bankrupt and penniless.
Yeah, okay, listen.
I was hoping he could find me a job.
I need the money.
What? You need the money? - I need the money.
- For what? I got into a bit of trouble with Wendy.
She found out that I blew most of our life savings to subsidize my trip to Los Angeles, and on the TV pilots and stuff.
You used your own money for those? I assumed television stardom was just one good idea away.
Well, that's pretty reckless, Neil.
You're calling me reckless? Yeah.
How about that? Well, at least you can still practice law.
Not at my firm I can't.
Apparently my television antics humiliated the senior partners, so they put me on some kind of indefinite suspension, which is why I need to drum up some money on the side! Okay, listen, Neil.
You drop this lawsuit, Murray might be grateful enough to get me a job and I can start earning money again.
Which means I can rehire you as my lawyer and you can go back to charging me exorbitant fees for whatever it was you used to do.
I don't know if I wanna be your lawyer again.
When I walk down the street, complete strangers - pffftt! - They spit at me! And you think that's because you defended me? It probably has more to do with the ridiculous advice that you dispensed on your show! It's show business! It's show business, Steve.
No, it's show business; Only idiots believe that stuff.
Look, I get a high end job, you know, I can pay you back whatever it is I owe you in legal fees.
You owe me $97,000 dollars! Really? Well, that's nothing to sneeze at, is it? No, it's not.
All right.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
I'll tell all the executives that you're screwed over; That the lawsuit has no chance of succeeding.
They'll just believe you? All my clients believe everything I tell them.
It's the thing I enjoy the most about being a lawyer.
Just make sure whatever job Murray gets you is worth it.
Oh, not to worry.
No, he knows my true value.
For sure.
Things are going even better than I hoped.
I'm closing on three or four of the units in this building every week, but I need a partner or I'm gonna get swamped.
That's it? That it, I have the job? I guess with the kind of money you're offering, I'm surprised you're deciding so quickly.
Are you kidding me? I said to Murray send me somebody like Steve Unger.
And who does he send? Unbelievable.
How long's he been keeping you on the shelf? Ah, well, quite a while, you know.
He's just been waiting for the right thing to come up.
Yeah, he told me he was afraid your history made you unemployable.
Yeah, well, you know, it has affected I never bought any of that stuff they put you through.
It seemed to me you were being punished just for being rich.
Actually, I was being punished for being guilty.
Yeah, guilty of doing what you were born to do.
Make money.
Look, my banker guy's gonna be along in a couple of minutes.
Let's just go over the business model one more time, just to make sure you've got it down.
Steve: Well, I mean, it seems simple enough.
You offer to buy an existing apartment building and arrange to have it converted into a co-op.
To raise money, you sell each unit in the apartment building, uh, to an investor looking for an income property.
Warren: And because I'm in tight with the banks, the investors don't have to put down a cent.
Yeah, they just have to assume their part of the mortgage on the building.
But the investors never make a single payment, because the rent from the existing tenants - covers the debt.
- Yeah, yeah.
So you just manage the property, and just take a percentage of the overall home - as a transaction fee.
- A large percentage.
And very well deserved if you ask me.
I mean, just simply for coming up with the idea! Warren: Well, here we are.
Steve: Okay.
Warren: 23 units, all with tenants.
I want you to run with this one.
Lock down the rest of the investors, get the deal closed.
On my own? Hey, I'm heading to Europe to look for more properties.
I figure between the two of us, we can triple the value of this company inside a year.
Listen, I don't know what to say.
- Say you're in.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm in all right! I'm about as in as you can get.
Thank you, Warren! Steve Unger! Back from the dead! Hey, there's my banker guy now.
We'll do a quick how do you do.
He'll look over the property, get the mortgage approved in record time.
Without a down payment? Yes, but with a signed guarantee of all 23 investors.
Steve Unger! It's a pleasure! It is? (Car rumbles) Warren: Well, here we are.
Steve: This is it? Warren: Yeah, well, it's not much to look at, but, uh, I'm a big believer in keeping the overhead low.
Which is why he's one of our favourite clients! (All laugh) Well, go ahead, Steve, Ruby'll give you the tour.
Steve: Ruby? Warren: Office manager.
She's a bit of a hottie, so, don't making a fool of yourself.
Like I did, you mean? Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.
Okay.
I'll just, uh, yeah.
So, it was, uh, it was great meeting you.
Yeah, right back at ya.
(Steve laughs) So, what do you make of him? Oh, he's perfect.
Well, his reputation should definitely work in our favour.
Yeah.
Like I said, it's perfect.
Steve: So is it just you here, Ruby? Ruby: Yeah.
How often does Warren come in? Ruby: Never.
Because he spends all his time on the sites, huh? I guess, yeah.
Okay.
So, um I think we're gonna need a better filing system.
Ruby: Okay.
Why? Steve: Well, I mean, just with all the stuff in boxes, isn't it kinda hard to find things? Ruby: What things? Steve: You know, documents- Look, I gotta be honest.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.
Warren told me you run the office.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I answer the phone when it rings, but Okay, look.
I used to cut Warren's hair, right? And then one day I just mentioned I might be interested in getting into something else and he offered me a job.
Hmm.
So you have no actual business experience.
No.
But he said that was a good thing.
He said he didn't want anyone with a locked in way of doing things.
Yeah, so much more can be accomplished with an open mind.
- Yeah.
- All right.
So is uh Is this my office? I guess.
My chair.
Oh, yeah.
It's like old times.
Just like old times.
Ruby: Oh, uh, we've been getting a lot of calls from investors.
About? I think there could be a problem with the last deal Warren closed.
A big problem? Maybe.
Whatever.
There's no problem Steve Unger can't handle.
Yeah.
Steve Unger! (Laughs) But Warren said that he'd cover the mortgage payments if the tenant left until I was able to rent it out again.
I'm on the hook for two grand a month.
I'm about to default on a mortgage that my wife didn't want me to take out in the first place! You know what? I'm sure he'll be taking care of that soon.
How soon? Just as soon as he returns from his business trip.
Look, she's pregnant, okay? And the last thing I wanna do is go and tell her, hey, you know Our credit rating - down the toilet.
So you just can't cover the payments until we have a chance to get a new tenant in? No, no.
I cannot, okay? My salary is not enough.
When she was working as a lab technician maybe, but maternity benefits are not enough to cover- Lab technician? Is that an emerging field? (Snaps) Focus! Sure.
We'll get back to the focus.
Okay.
Yeah, I just think you have nothing to worry about, Mr.
Mustang.
I thought you might want some fruit.
Steve: Oh thanks, Ruby.
Okay, I'll be at my desk.
That's Ruby, she's my assistant.
How many other investors called with the same problem? About twelve so far.
What are we looking for? Steve: None of these records make any sense at all.
I mean, I can't find a coherent list of investors or hard documentation for like any of the deals he's done.
It's just Wait, wait, wait.
Well, here's something.
Ruby: Warren's still not answering.
Steve: Wow.
The numbers on these parking spaces correspond to the names of the investors in this deal here.
Which means? Well, it could mean that they thought they were buying condos, but they were actually just buying parking spaces.
Really? That'd be kinda crazy, wouldn't it? Kinda crazy is just one of the things it would be, Ruby.
Yeah.
Are you sure? Well, this is the address, these are the names, those are the numbers.
So what's going on? I don't know.
So he just stuck his sign over this one.
So this whole thing is Is just a giant scam? Yeah, yeah.
It looks like he used the investors to get the bank's money, and then the bank either didn't exercise any real diligence, or Or what? Or his guy at the bank was in on it.
Really? A crooked banker? Yeah.
Imagine that.
Well, what did he need us for? Well, you're running the office to make the business seem real, and I am here to My God, I could be in serious trouble.
- Why? - Because I'm here to take the fall for the whole thing, Ruby.
- But you didn't do anything wrong! - Yeah, yeah, but Warren probably figured that, given my past, everyone would just assume that - Oh my God! - Are you okay? No, no.
I'm not.
I just have this very strong hunch that Warren and his crooked banker pal have just taken off with all the bank's money and that I'm screwed.
Oh, you poor guy! So am I screwed too? Uh, no, no, no.
I'll just tell them you didn't have anything to do with it.
Good.
I'll tell them you didn't have anything to do with it either.
So We're both screwed, yeah.
Yeah.
Steve: I didn't actually do anything wrong.
I might have.
I mean, since I didn't actually know what I was doing.
Ex-cop: How'd you get mixed up in this? Money.
It's always about the money.
Right, Steve? Steve: Yeah, yeah.
It's possible money actually destroys common sense.
No, easy money destroys common sense.
Deep down I probably knew something was wrong with the operation.
I didn't have a clue.
Hey, maybe you should try saying that to them.
Yeah, tell them you're too stupid to have known what was going on.
(Laughs) That's an interesting couple.
They're getting married.
I'm still not sure how I feel about gay marriage.
They're not gay.
Ex-cop: Well, if they're not gay, pal, one of them's actually a dude! Steve: Yeah.
The tall one.
I just love weddings, you know? No matter who's getting married.
You know, in Portugal, weddings can go on for days, and people are drinking and smoking.
Oh, it's beautiful.
That's great.
Maybe you can go as Steve's date.
- I'm not invited.
- Why not? They wanted my sperm.
Excuse me.
You know, I do kinda miss our old meetings.
Oh man, me too! Hug! Yeah, no.
We used to get together and discuss ethics.
Sounds like fun.
I hear you're getting married, huh? Yeah, you can't come though.
Peggy's too angry to even look at you right now.
Yeah, well, she's looking at me, but not in a very nice way.
Is this all because I wouldn't become a donor? Well, it was pretty upsetting to realize you didn't think I was good enough to carry your baby.
You know what, Kendra? Can we just this once acknowledge the truth about your situation? - Which is? - Kendra is not physically equipped to carry a child, because he's You're a man.
You are a man named Kevin.
I'm a woman.
A woman named Kendra In every way that matters.
Well, not in every way, no.
Steven, please stop doing this! I'm really committed to making this work! - Making what work? - Kendra! I feel that through Kendra, I can be completely fulfilled! Especially if I can have a family! Well, look.
You know, there's always Peggy.
You'd let us put your sperms in Peggy? No! You could put your sperm in Peggy.
No, I mean, we could put Kevin's sperm in Peggy.
I mean, from what I understand, he's quite prolific when it comes to donating.
No way! I don't want my baby having his genes.
You mean you don't want your baby having your genes.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore, it's too upsetting! (Sighs) Peggy: Sweetheart, oh! Hey, she seems nice.
She's a he.
Please never forget that.
I mean Ruby.
Ruby? Oh yeah, yeah, she is.
And she likes you.
Why wouldn't she like me, Bruno? I'm a very likeable guy.
Except to the many people who hate me.
Yeah, but they all have very specific reasons for that.
Steve, she likes you! Oh? Look at the body language.
Oh! (Dog barks) (Sighing) Oh, Jesus! What? Neil? Is that you? Neil?! Hhhh! Just let me sleep in just one more hour.
What the fuck are you doing here?! What? I had to get somewhere to sleep.
What? Who's that? It's Ruby! (Grumbling) Jesus Christ! You stupid asshole! Neil: Shut up! What's going on, Neil? Remember I was talking to you earlier about, you know, Wendy and I, the troubles we're having? Well, I was kinda (Sobs) Underselling it a little bit.
She threw you out? Yeah.
But you know what? It's okay.
Don't you worry, you know, 'cause it's only, you know Until you con her into taking you back? Either that, or until I get back on my feet again.
The senior partners? Get this! The senior partners, they've made my suspension a little more permanent.
What do you mean, "a little more permanent"? A little more permanent.
Yeah, they've gone and - go ahead and spit.
You know, the bastards, they're like fucking me.
They're like fucking with me, you know what I mean? So they haven't closed the door completely, right? They're not gonna have me back! There's no way they're gonna have me back! But you know what? I don't care! I don't care.
You wanna know why? Why? Because I was not meant to be a lawyer.
Spit.
Right.
You were meant to be a television host.
Yes, exactly! I was meant to be a television host and I'm not gonna stop trying.
I'm gonna keep on trying.
I realize now that I was just trying too much! Too much, too fast, you know, in front of the camera.
What I need is just some real training in order to perfect my chups! - Chops.
- My chops, yes! Which means? Which means I am going to join a community theatre! I want you out of here in a day.
Two at the most.
Then alas, I-I shall away! Forthwith-ith! Asshole! Steve: So basically what I'm saying is this: You blew it.
I mean, technically, it was all Warren's fault.
He's the criminal.
The criminal who's probably on his way to some country he can't be extradited from, with roughly $30 million dollars of your money.
But come on, let's be honest.
Warren was just taking advantage of the system you guys put in place.
A system where nobody bothers to do the most important part of the job, and that is to see if the collateral for any loan large enough to pay one or more of your fat transaction fees even exists.
Because if you pay someone not to see the truth, they won't see the truth.
Especially if they can be bought, like Warren bought your colleague.
I won't even get into how you let that happen.
Anyway, I started thinking that since you're getting paid not to see or hear the truth, and you're hiring people who actually hide the truth, maybe it's time you started paying somebody to recognize the truth about some of these transactions and to actually report that truth back to you.
You know, just in case your shareholders wise up to how you operate.
I mean, Ruby, it's sad but true; I can think like a thief.
And so when I put it to them that way, I think they realized I was making them a pretty good offer.
So you're a bank cop.
Yeah.
Independent contractor.
So I can make them back the money they lost on Warren by stopping frauds before they go too far.
Oh yeah.
So listen, they gave me this stack of, uh, potential loans that they're about to approve.
So if I find anything fishy, then I get a percentage of the money that, uh, you know, they would've lost.
Can I help? Sure.
Okay, so let's see.
Oh, this will be more than a bit awkward.
Why? It's my ex-wife.
(Gasps) Kate: (Sighs) Mom never owned that entire farm, she only owned half of it! I know.
And even though she doesn't own any of it anymore, she's led the bank to believe she still owns all of it.
So she lied.
Well, she exaggerated her worth.
No, she lied.
She did what she had to do to make it happen.
I mean, I did the same thing when I started Uncor.
Yeah, Neil helped me inflate the value of a couple of properties I owned so I'd qualify for a bigger loan.
It's the kind of thing basically honest people do all the time in business.
I don't.
But you're not above cutting a few corners, - and this is basically-- - A totally different thing! Dad, I would never lie about thkikind of collateral I made just to get a bigger bank loan.
I'd come up with a way to earn it, or I'd make use of a loan that I could actually afford! Yeah, well that's one of the things that makes you an exceptional human being, honey, you know, but most people aren't above saying to themselves, you know, if I could just raise a few hundred thousand more, I could really get this business off the ground.
More likely she needed it for the outrageous fees that she's paying on this place.
It is a bit much.
But your mother needs to raise a lot of money to get her business going.
When you're reaching out to certain level of people, you need to maintain an air of Of bullshit? So here's my dilemma: Should I turn her in? Not unless you want a bigger dilemma.
Yeah, it's probably something that would make her actually carry out her threats.
To kill you.
I have nightmares about that sometimes.
You're donating sperm to a man who believes he can carry a baby? More likely to his partner.
His partner.
That's the other guy who thinks he's a woman? His partner is a woman.
They're getting married.
It's a wedding present.
Like a tea set won't do the trick? Hey, hold on a minute.
Hey, doc! Kendra no longer requires your donation.
She's going to use Kevin.
Oh, well, that's good.
So what am I doing here? I wanted to let you know that you passed the screening, so that means you can donate.
Great! Well, okay then.
Sign me up! What? What're you signing up for? It appears that at last, I'm gonna be gainfully employed.
I'm qualified to be a full-time sperm donor.
Well, congratulations to you.
What about the, uh, the bank cop job? Steve: I'm not sure what to do about that.
I just need you to fill out some paperwork, and then, uh, you can get started.
Steve: (Laughs) Okay! You're gonna let Lori away with fraud, aren't you? You know what? You didn't refer to it as fraud when you helped me do it fifteen years ago.
Listen, if this is gonna become a, you know, another episode of the blame game, I got more important things to do.
Okay.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Away, away! Anon! Anon! Ladies, let's please Let's run the lines one more time, please.
Lori: What'd I do? What'd I do? Kate: Nothing specific.
Lori: So just like that, you're going to move in with my parents? Actually, I'm moving in with Dad's parents this time.
Lori: What? Hi, Dad! Kate: I need to be around people who are incorruptible for a while.
Don't take it personally, Mom.
Really.
Well, it's kinda hard not to take it personally.
Look, you have your strong points just like Dad.
Wait, where did this come from? Did somebody say something about me? Don't be upset.
We can still see each other, I just need some different influences in my life.
Come and stay anytime, obviously.
Well, it's kinda hard when your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you! Ah, that'll pass.
Mom, I think I finally understand why you and Dad got married.
But Bruno: Peggy and Kendra will be saying their own vows now.
I love you.
Me too.
That's it? Isn't that enough? Okay, no.
Uh, I'll keep it short too.
Um because of the power vested in me just a few minutes ago by the Internet, I can now pronounce you Married.
(Guests cheer and applaud) It was kinda beautiful in its own way.
You're a very sensitive man, Steven.
Yeah.
Peggy: Awww! (Laughs) (Cl l phone rings) Excuse me, I I guess I should take this.
Hello? I guess you heard Kate moved out.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Mom says she's doing great over there though.
I should've just raised her myself; We wouldn't be in this situation.
What situation? The one where our daughter doesn't wanna live with her parents, Steve.
Oh, she still loves you, Lori.
You know, she's just like asserting herself.
It doesn't really mean anything.
It means that I'm being tainted once more by my association with you.
So, thanks for ruining my life yet again.
Peggy and Kendra: Thank you! Thank you! (Knocks) Lori: Hi! So, you're sure about this, Ms.
Klein? I need a child around.
I just do.
- So you made your choice? - Yes.
I have studied every single candidate on the market and I've narrowed it down to exactly the right attributes this time.
Let's do this! Okay.
Hmm.
(Sighs happily) Eek! ⪠⪠Anticipating ⪠⪠waiting for the day to come.
⪠⪠Better realize ⪠⪠that everything is over.
⪠⪠It's over.
âª