Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s02e08 Episode Script

I think I need you to explain this to me again.
- Mrs.
Cox called you from prison? - She said, and I quote: "If you wanna find out what happened to Lex Luthor try a night visit to the Perpetual Pine Cemetery.
" So here we are.
Don't you care what happened to Lex? You know, actually It's a guard.
Clark, I don't see anybody, and I have better eyesight than you.
You wear glasses.
Woe is me.
The end is near.
I face the final curtain.
Well, Mama, I guess you were right about me all along.
Everything I touch turns to cow patties.
And it's not like I'm not used to it because Lord knows I am, after a whole entire lifetime of it.
And if it were just me, it doesn't matter, really it doesn't matter.
But, Mama, I have gone and I have lost all the money and I cannot afford to keep sister in the rest home past the end of the month.
So beings as how I'm just about as worthless as a one-legged bird dog Oh, my goodness gracious.
Sir, please, listen to me.
Life is a very precious gift.
Every new day that we're alive is a chance for us to be the best we can be.
Oh, please.
What would you know about it Mr.
Nothing-Can-Hurt-Me- l-Don't-Need-Money-To-Live? And didn't anybody ever tell you that two primary colors do not work together? You can make fun of my appearance if you like or you can talk about what's really bothering you.
Which do you prefer? Well, if you put it that way Clark? What with Wandamae needing professional help and all and me getting that very bad advice about how biodegradable golf clubs were gonna be the wave of the future and I needed to get in on the ground floor well, you can see how my life is just It's just not worth living anymore.
Clark? I just I feel so guilty.
- Clark? Where are you? - My daddy went to an early grave.
This one, in fact, right here.
Making all that money, what did I do? Lost it.
One filth.
Sir, Metropolis General Hospital has a referral service for counseling and therapy.
There are people there you can talk to.
People that can make you see that life is worth living.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
Well, Mama looks like I'm not gonna be joining you and Daddy after all.
At least, not any time soon.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, of course we got kicked out.
And whose fault is that? I'm not the one that stepped on the only dry twig in the entire cemetery just when that guard came by.
You are the one who believed Mrs.
Cox when she told you Lex Luthor is alive somewhere in the cemetery.
A, how could he be alive? And, B, if he is alive, what would he be doing in a cemetery? - Mr.
Kent.
Morning, sir.
- I didn't disbelieve or believe her.
I'm a reporter.
A reporter follows leads.
That's what they do, in case Clark? - C.
K.
, are you all right? - Yeah.
Well, you're just about the prettiest thing I've saved so far.
Though the day is young, and my experience is somewhat limited.
Who are you? That's for me to know and you to find out, little missy.
Now, by thunder, this is a story.
A new superhero in Metropolis.
Who is this guy? Clark.
- Yeah, I was - Clark, you're a very lucky man.
A couple of inches either way, you'd have been under the wheels.
You know, it's a shame about this suit though.
Not much they can do about tears like that.
What? Excuse me! It's a bill.
He's charging me 32.
50.
"A small price to pay for being plucked alive from the snapping jaws of certain death.
" I want you to track this guy down.
Find out who he is.
I want an exclusive.
We should start with that costume.
He didn't buy that off the rack.
And there's a tattoo on his hand.
And we need to talk to Superman.
- You go ahead.
I'll catch up with you.
- Clark, this is big, this is huge.
What could be more important than the story of the century? I have to change my suit.
- I'm busy.
Tell Mr.
Hofus to hold.
- Somebody save my sweet little Muffin.
- Can you save her, please? - Yes, ma'am, I sure can.
Is your sweet little Muffin a dog or a cat? A dog.
Yes, a wonderful little dog.
Oh, please help me.
Now, dogs are 29.
95.
Well, it's a small price to pay for being plucked alive from the snapping jaws of certain death.
Thank you, Superman.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr.
Boy Scout.
Is there not work enough for both of us? Do I horn in on your action? Can we go someplace and talk? You wanna provide your services for free, that's up to you.
But I have bills I have to pay.
Can we go have a private conversation? I'm not greedy.
My rates are real reasonable.
I'm not an ogre.
I'll provide a little pro bono work.
How about I pay you to come talk? That brings up another point that I've been wondering about.
Where do you carry money in that outfit? I tried sewing a little pocket under here but it's so much trouble.
I have to fumble for the zipper.
I have to zip it open, zip it closed.
I thought about Velcro, but I'm afraid it would pucker the fabric.
It would just absolutely ruin the lines.
What do you do? If you don't come with me l'm gonna follow you everywhere you go until the day that one of us dies and I'm gonna save everybody before you do.
Well, you don't have to get nasty about it.
My goodness gracious.
All you had to do was ask.
How rude.
But how could that have happened? I've been struck by lightning and my powers have never transferred.
Don't look at me.
All I know is, one minute I was a 90-pound weakling and the next minute, I was a 90-pound Hercules.
I like it much better this way.
Well, I can understand that, Mr? - What should I call you? - I haven't even thought of a good name yet.
What do you think of "Brawny Man"? I'm sure you're gonna come up with the perfect name.
But right now, I'd like to have a talk with you about right and wrong.
Well, if you think you know that much more about it than I do You can't charge people for saving their lives.
Well, my goodness me.
If that isn't worth something, I don't know what is.
Excuse me, but I'm just plying a legitimate, if somewhat unique, trade to an increasingly service-oriented economy.
I'd think you'd welcome the help.
You may be Superman, but you can't do everything.
Bye, now.
Geronimo! Lex.
Superman's powers can be transferred.
Electricity and a conductor, so simple.
So reproducible.
And when I can duplicate the circumstances you and I will have super powers, Lex.
And Superman will be powerless to stop us.
- How do you suppose that happened? - I don't know, Dad.
All I know is, I wish it had turned out a little bit different.
Clark, you did the right thing.
You saved a life.
I know, Mom, but it's just such a mess.
I mean, this little guy just does not understand the responsibility.
- Well, he's new at it.
Maybe he'll learn.
- I don't think so.
You have super powers because the Earth's sun is yellow.
The sun's heat and energy create clouds.
Lightning occurs only in clouds.
Cumulonimbus clouds, to be exact.
Jonathan, this isn't about trying to figure out what happened.
Everybody at the Planet is trying to get this guy's story.
Who is he? Where did he come from? Where did he get his super powers? I'm a reporter.
I work at the Planet, and I know the answer.
But I can't tell anyone because I don't want anyone else to know.
Can you imagine? Every single time that Superman touched down he would be mobbed by people wanting super powers.
I just I don't know what to do.
I know it's kind of unimaginative, candy, flowers and all.
But I guess, at heart, I'm just an old-fashioned kind of guy.
- May I come in? - Absolutely.
I flew all the way to South America to pick these lovely flowers along the banks of the Amazon just to let you know how special I think you are.
I didn't know that daisies and carnations and baby's breath were rain forest kinds of plants.
Oh, they're Brazilian daisies, Brazilian carnations and Chilean baby's breath.
They were brought to the New World by some very famous explorers.
It was It was a long, long time ago.
Well, please, sit down.
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? - You mean, like an interview? - Yes.
Ms.
Lane You don't mind if I call you Ms.
Lane? This is very a bad idea, tossing out your financial records without shredding them.
Dishonest people pray for this sort of trash.
Well, that's better.
Those were my '94 tax records.
Oh, my goodness.
What was it you wanted to ask me? Who are you? - Well, are you from Krypton too? - Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm from Tennessee.
Really? - Have you always had super powers? - No, this is sort of a recent development.
- How did you get them? - Well, now, that is quite a story.
But I'm negotiating right now with some interesting people about selling my rights so I can't give it up for free.
I'm sure you understand.
But I've been thinking, maybe you could publish my price list so I don't have to keep repeating myself every time I save somebody.
Have you no shame, Mr? What do I call you? Well, maybe you can help me with that too.
I can't decide.
I keep leaning towards "Magnificent Man.
" But how about "splendid"? There's "majestic.
" - How about "glorious"? - Vainglorious.
What? I said, the main story is, who are you and how you got your super powers.
You don't seem to wanna answer those questions.
Well, maybe I might if you gave me a bunch of money.
Or then again, you could be my girlfriend.
Hi, Lois.
I see you have company.
I should've called.
No, no, come in.
Please, do.
I want you to meet the man with the super powers and no name.
- This is Clark Kent, my colleague.
- And friend.
And friend.
- How good a friend? - Good friend.
- Very good friend.
- Very good friend.
But nothing romantic or anything like that.
Well, you keep on looking.
One of these days, you're gonna find somebody.
You're a handsome boy.
Though I suggest getting rid of the glasses.
Get you some contacts.
Oh, and don't forget about my price list.
Whee doggy! I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
Bite your tongue.
I was just trying to get an interview.
- Really? - Yes, really.
So after going to 16 tattoo parlors Only they call them "dermal emporiums.
" - I finally found somebody who recognized the tattoo on his hand as the work of a dermal artiste named Allegra Venom.
I'm not making this up.
But I couldn't get to the place before it was closed so that's on the list for tomorrow.
- I've never been to a tattoo parlor.
- Oh, it's an experience.
- I don't know.
Wanna try it? It's coconut.
- Thanks.
Yes, that's one of my most successful designs, artistically speaking.
That would look fabulous on you.
You have such a nice body.
So smooth and hard, like polished steel.
Did you do this tattoo? Dermal design? On a little guy with a Southern accent, right here? I love working on a big canvas.
I'll think about it, Ms.
Venom.
In the meantime - Yes, a little guy with a Southern accent.
- Do you remember his name? Names? You want me to remember names? Do you keep records? Well - Do you have backup? - That was the backup.
Listen, if you can remember that name l'll talk Clark here into letting you tattoo the Battle of Midway on his chest.
Winchecker? Woolpepper? Waldecker.
It was Waldecker.
William Wallace Webster Waldecker.
William Wallace Webster Waldecker.
I'm here to see my sister, Wandamae.
Wandamae Wingfield Waldecker.
Tell Mrs.
Lincoln she has a visitor.
The president and I spent our first night in the White House Friday night.
Abe couldn't get used to having so many servants.
I told him he'd better get used to it if he didn't want people to think of him as a country bumpkin.
And that's wonderful, Wandamae, but l - Hey? - I'm here.
I want you to try to focus on what I'm telling you.
Now that I've got Superman's powers, everything's gonna be okay.
Wait a minute.
You've got Superman's powers? - That's what I've been trying to tell you.
- Well, why didn't you tell me sooner? We could've used Superman at Fort Sumter.
I was really, really worried for a while there.
Because, sister, I love you so much and I just wanna take care of you the way I promised Mama I would.
You're a good boy, Tad.
I wish you could see my costume.
It's orange and blue, and I've got boots that I wear with it.
Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
I can't show it to you here.
Oh, Tad, I'm sure it looks just resplendent.
Resplendent.
- Okay.
Okay, do it.
- Here's the church I know who you are.
Then you do, as they say, have the advantage over me.
Just the way I like it.
It makes life so much more pleasant for me.
You see? I do know who you are and I can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
- Shoot, I can do that all by myself.
- I can do it faster.
Well, aren't you just the sweetest thing to offer.
- I think we understand each other.
- I reckon we probably do.
What do you want? Three people know how you got your powers: You, Superman and me.
Oh, my goodness.
I knew this would happen if anybody found out.
- You want the powers too, don't you? - I'm a scientist.
I can duplicate the conditions for transfer.
I could see why you'd wanna do that, but why would I wanna help you? Because I'm part of the deal.
Well that's a mighty attractive inducement but, see, I don't feel you're truly an honest person.
So basically, you've got no leverage, blondie.
But you sure are cute when you're mad.
Ta-ta.
William Wallace Webster Waldecker.
He's not married, both parents are dead, he has a sister in an institution.
- What kind of an institution? - For people who are challenged by reality.
One of those.
They moved here from Little Big-Holler, Tennessee, 25 years ago.
Hey, guys, you're not gonna believe this.
In trouble? Need help no mere mortal could provide? Call Resplendent Man.
When disaster rages, when destruction surges when annihilation crashes, when certain doom approaches call Resplendent Man.
Decent service, reasonable rates.
It's Resplendent Man, strange visitor from the heart of Dixie.
- Call 1-900-01-RES-QU.
- He even charges for the call.
- $3.
98 for the first 15 seconds.
- How greedy can you get? How can some guy from Little Big-Holler, Tennessee, end up with super powers? - Did you ask him that? - Of course, Perry.
He wouldn't tell me.
Well, did either of you think to ask Superman, huh? You have reached the voice of Resplendent Man.
If your situation is a bona fide emergency, press one.
If you could wait a little while, press two.
If you'd like to join the Resplendent Man fan club for a really tiny fee, press three.
Can you believe this guy? Where's Clark? Well, slap me silly.
- Do you mind? - Yes, I do mind.
I have tried to be patient.
I have tried to be understanding.
Get a grip here.
Do I tell you what to do? No, I don't.
I'd appreciate the same courtesy from you.
You will take this to heart.
You will memorize it, you will live it.
The strong do not exploit the weak.
The powerful do not attack the defenseless.
And you do not use your x-ray vision to spy on women in a locker room.
Oh, please.
What planet are you from? Try to grasp this.
It's not a really hard concept.
You may not like what I do but there's not really a blessed thing you can do about it.
- Where have you been? - Oh, I've been hanging around.
We need to talk to Superman and the only way I can get his attention is to fall out a window, which I'd rather not do, or tell you.
- So here I am.
- I'll be right back.
I forgot my mail downstairs.
Clark, this is important.
You can get your mail later.
Yeah, but I'm expecting my Cheese-of-the-Month shipment.
I'll be right back.
You don't have to fall out of a window, Lois.
Clark! Clark! Clark and I, we thought that you might be able to help us find out how this thing happened.
Believe me, Lois, I was as surprised as anyone else to find out there was another person like me.
But you talked to him? I wish I could help you, Lois, and Clark and Perry, but I can't.
So you have no idea how this happened? When you talked to him, did he answer your questions? No.
And you don't seem to be answering them either.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I wish I could help you, but I can't.
No cheese.
You see, my daddy thought I could make a better match than with a politician but I have never regretted ignoring Daddy's advice.
No, not your father, your brother, William.
William Wallace Webster Waldecker? I know, it is a mouthful, isn't it? But then, there was a lot of family.
So he was named William after our daddy's great-granddaddy who lost three fingers at Antietam I don't think we're gonna get much useful information.
Maybe we should just go.
- Great big old alligator.
Oh, the dog was fine, but Wallace was not.
And then there was cousin Webster who didn't actually deserve the honor, but they needed another W.
But the president and I like to use his nickname.
We called him Tad.
Well, okay then.
Tad.
Have you seen Tad lately? Oh, yes.
He was here quite recently.
Yesterday, I think.
Or maybe it was last month.
When was that? Well, when you saw Tad did he say that he'd had any changes in his life? Big changes.
Like he can fly? - Yes, yes.
Isn't it wonderful? Our little Tad, free.
Free as a bird.
You know, he always was a flighty one.
Okay.
I want you to stay with me here, Wandamae Mrs.
Lincoln.
Yes.
- Did Tad say how he's able to fly? - Yes, he did.
It's time for you to see the doctor, Wandamae.
Just two more minutes.
This institution, madam, is not run for the convenience of its visitors.
Now listen, I don't want those theater tickets.
I don't care if they're free, take them away from me.
There are no theater tickets.
- You're going to see the doctor.
- I don't want to.
How did you get this job? Your people skills are somewhat lacking.
- Maybe you'd like your teeth rearranged.
- You can try, Broom Hilda.
Broom Hilda? Why, you Wandamae, how did Tad get his powers? Superman.
What? Tad got his powers from Superman.
Thank you, General Grant.
The president will be most grateful.
Someday you will command the Army of the Potomac.
He lied.
Who? I never thought he'd lie to me.
Oh, what a story this is.
Lois, Wandamae is a little bit confused.
Though I'm sure the doctors can help her.
But what if what she's saying isn't true? What if it is? If Superman's powers can be transferred to humans, that's big news.
Excuse me, I have to Did you lie to me? - What makes you say that? - Either you know what I mean or you don't.
- I didn't lie.
- All right.
Did you lead me to believe something that wasn't exactly true? Yes.
I wouldn't have expected that from you.
When I kept kryptonite a secret, it's because it's life-threatening.
This is news.
Do you have any idea what would happen if this became public? Everyone would want super powers.
Everyone would think that they deserved super powers.
It's a reporter's job to disseminate the news not to ponder the consequences of every story.
If people pondered the consequences of their actions this planet wouldn't be in the state it's in.
- Well, I'm not a philosopher, I'm a reporter.
- And a human being.
Which is more important to you? I'm only asking you to think about it, talk it over with Clark.
Clark's a reporter too.
Both of you have good hearts, Lois, and good instincts.
I know you'll do the right thing.
Come on now, Mrs.
Lincoln, let's go.
Come on.
Get in.
Mind your bonnet.
There we go.
This time you've gone too far.
People almost got killed.
Excuse me, I most certainly did not.
That man just had to get out of his car and out of the way of the train.
Can I help it if he cared more about his Mustang than he did his own life? You have super powers.
You pick up the car, with him inside and move them both out of the way.
- I would've, if you hadn't done it.
- You were negotiating with him.
There was plenty of time.
The train was way down the track.
Did you think about the people inside the train? You think about anybody except yourself? The situation was under control.
Now, leave me alone.
I don't wanna hear any more of your carping and complaining.
Here you go, Resplendent Man.
Well, you're gonna listen to it until it sinks in.
Your behavior is unacceptable.
I don't wanna fight with you.
I just want you to understand what it means to be You can't just act like there's nobody else who matters but you.
Come on, put them up.
We're gonna duke it out.
One of us has gotta go.
Metropolis isn't big enough for both of us.
Don't you see what kind of example this sets? I don't wanna fight with you.
Violence is a very poor solution to conflict.
Okay.
Okay.
You do what you gotta do.
Stand still.
Come on, fight.
Come on, fight like a superhero.
Come.
Come this way.
Watch your step.
This way.
Mrs.
Lincoln, this way.
- Lois Lane.
- Where is everybody? I need somebody downtown right this second.
Right this second.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Lois.
I don't care if you're in the Atlantic in a lifeboat.
I want you down at Second and Main right now.
Perry, this may be big.
I have to go.
I'll call you back.
Lois! Stop it.
- I just made my last payment on it.
- I can't believe you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, are you done here? I don't wanna miss anything, but I do have a deadline.
There's no way out, so you might as well join us.
Well, even superheroes have to eat.
I don't believe you and I have anything further to discuss.
How's this for leverage, you little tick.
You have Wandamae? You have my sister? I'll break you in half.
If you do, Wandamae will die.
I'll find her, and I'll save her.
I am Resplendent Man.
Oh, you can find her, but if you try to save her She lied to you, Wandamae.
Now try and focus.
It's 1994, there's no Abe Lincoln.
No Ford's Theatre.
No John Wilkes Booth.
Everything is fine.
I just love Tad's outfit, don't you? Except I'm in a cage, in a bunker, underneath a mausoleum, in a cemetery.
Nobody knows I'm here except a bunch of very strange people.
There's no point in trying to convince Wandamae she's not Mary Todd Lincoln.
But it wasn't very nice to tell her that Abe had a bad night at the theater.
- And what do you expect that rat to do? - Shut up and concentrate.
I don't think it has anything to do with concentration.
I think it's the electricity and the conductor playing off each other.
- Just shut up, anyway.
- Who are you? - Tad, can't you get us out of here? - Oh, darling, I wish I could.
This awful woman has done something to that cage and if I try to get you out, the cage will explode and you and Ms.
Lane will surely, surely die.
Unless she's faking it.
Go ahead, bend the steel with your bare hands, see what happens.
The explosives are motion-sensitive, little Ms.
Lois Lane.
Sensors activated.
So don't shake the bars too hard.
I don't think I should risk it.
- I think you might have to, Will.
- Sensors activated.
She's trying to get super powers for herself.
And whoever she is, she's clearly not a person who should have powers.
Here we go.
In fact, she's clearly not a person who should be allowed out by herself.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Lookie here, I got a nice warm bowl of milk for you.
Come on.
Come out of there.
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
This is great stuff, Clark.
I could see another Kerth Award in your future.
Which reminds me, where's Lois? I don't know.
When I talked to her, she said she was onto something big.
- Did she say what? - No.
But I'm starting to get a little worried.
That gal's got quite a nose for trouble.
Maybe I'll go see if I can find her.
This is really too much.
I think she's getting closer.
The meter didn't go all the way back down last time.
- Just shut up.
- Whatever havoc she wreaks once she has powers, it'll be on your head.
You just shut up or die.
There are over a million possible combinations, Ms.
Girl Reporter.
I don't think you'll find the right one in your lifetime which is getting shorter by the instant.
Okay, I duplicated cloud-to-ground lightning.
The negatively charged atoms move downward to meet the positively charged That's it! I didn't account for the action of the return stroke.
You know, I'm really not feeling good about doing this.
Ms.
Lane's right, and Superman was right all along.
I've been greedy.
I've been selfish.
I just don't think that you and I are superhero material.
Yes! I've done it.
Nothing can stop us now, my darling.
What is that? If you only knew, you wretched little nobody.
- You didn't deserve him.
- What are you talking about? You did this to him.
You and that overgrown baby, Superman.
You married him and destroyed him, all on the same day.
- Lex? - Yes.
This is Lex Luthor, the last real man in Metropolis.
- Get back on that plate.
- Will, you can't do this.
- Don't you see how dangerous she is? - Yes, I do.
I do see how dangerous she is.
She's dangerous enough to kill Wandamae.
- Oh, I just I hate dilemmas.
- I said, back on that plate.
My goodness.
You're too late.
You couldn't kill Lex Luthor, and you can't kill me.
She made me do it.
She threatened to kill Wandamae.
You can reverse it if you get her on that plate.
You and what army? Sensors activated.
Go ahead, hit me, hit a woman.
You can't do it, can you? It's not the superhero thing to do.
Superman, the explosives.
You can't do it, can you? You can't fight a woman.
You poor sap.
Howdy.
- I have no such compunction.
- Now! - No! No! - Come on, we'll reverse the polarity.
- Hold her there.
- Right.
If he reverses me, he reverses you.
You really shouldn't have done that.
- Say goodbye to your girlfriend.
- Wait, no! You can't stop it, Superman.
Wandamae, I'm so sorry.
Detonation in 10 seconds.
Say goodbye to the would-be Mrs.
Luthor.
Six, five, four, three, two System disarmed.
Well, thank you.
- Are you all right? - Are you? Now do you see why I didn't want anybody to know? Now, where do you suppose that nice blond lady went? Lois, how in the world did you figure out the combination? She seemed to be fixated on my connection to Lex so I tried the date of my wedding.
- Thank God it worked.
- Yes, we do have a lot to be grateful for.
- How's Wandamae? - Oh, Ms.
Lane, she's fine.
Well, she's as fine as Wandamae gets.
Who's to say it's a bad life? You know, if there's one thing that I learned from all this it's that life is worth living for as long as you get to because you never know what's gonna happen next.
Well, you learned something else.
You found out who you are, deep down.
You did the right thing when it counted, even though it meant making a big sacrifice.
I think Superman would say that that's what being a hero is all about.
Well, I'm not so sure it was such a big sacrifice.
To tell you the truth, having super powers turned out to be kind of a burden.
Well, thank y'all.
What a story.
Some nobody little guy suddenly wakes up one morning with super powers and just as suddenly, he loses them.
Boy, I'd give my pension to know how it happened.
Jimmy, I don't want you reading this trash in the Daily Planet building.
- Well? - Well, what? How do you feel about not telling Perry everything that we knew? Bad.
I feel bad.
- But Superman was right.
- Yeah.
It's one of his more irritating qualities.
Do you think that that strange woman had Lex's body all along? I guess so.
What kind of a person keeps a body frozen in a glass case? Somebody who's having a hard time getting a date? At least we know for sure that he is dead.
Absolutely.
I saw everything go flatline.
Is he dead or alive? I don't know.
What's the difference? It's not like he's suddenly gonna regenerate himself.
Hey, guys, can you give me a hand with that? I'll take it from here.