Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[upbeat saxophone music]
All right, this looks
like half a day's work,
so I say we charge
for two days.
What do you think, Dad?
[humming softly]
Dad, should we charge
the client for two days?
Two days, a week, infinity.
Who cares?
It's all just a slow march
to death anyways.
What are you listening to?
"Teardrops on My Guitar"
by Taylor Swift,
the ten-minute version?
[stammers]
You have been acting emo
all week.
We need this job,
so get it together, man.
You get it together, man!
So lay it on me.
What's the damage?
Well, I know this price
looks steep, Lisa.
Oh.
This is the cheapest estimate
I've gotten so far.
Damn it!
I mean, why are other movers
so greedy?
But rest assured,
we will treat your belongings
as if they were our own.
It is the Lop-E-Z way.
I'm not moving out.
My terrible ex is.
And he was careless
with our relationship,
so you can be careless
with his crap.
Being careless with people's
crap is also Lop-E-Z way.
You're funny.
You also have an amazing
head of hair.
I should know.
- I'm a stylist to the stars.
- Oh.
I did Halle Berry's pixie
and Bernie Sanders' eyebrows.
So let me know if you ever
want a private consultation.
No, thank you.
Let me go get you
some free samples
from my product line,
Hair Slut.
What is wrong with my dad?
That woman is flirting
with him,
and he's not chasing her around
like some cartoon skunk.
It might be the edible
we split for breakfast.
Ah.
Or the fact that
he's in love with someone
who does not love him back.
In love with someone?
Who?
I'm not allowed to tell you
because it's your mom.
My dad is in love my mom?
Oh, my God, thank God
you already know.
See, I was so worried all day
that I'd be so high
that I might tell you.
Oh, no ♪
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪
Quinten,
stop what you're doing.
I have hot family tea
that has been burning
my lips all the way home.
Girl, you better
sit and spill.
My dad is in love
with my mom again.
What, like the first time
wasn't bad enough?
I don't know how
to feel about this.
What if she rejects him?
He doesn't know how
to deal with his emotions.
He might start drinking again.
Or if she's crazy
enough to take him back,
it'll ruin
the healthy relationship
that she has with Josué.
There is no chance she's
gonna choose George over Josué.
Josué is a stallion.
And George is like a donkey
whose parents were related.
[upbeat saxophone music]
I'm glad you're here, gordo,
'cause it's time that
the two most important men
in my life met.
I've told you,
I don't want to meet Jesus
if it means I have
to get dunked in a river.
He's someone
very, very special to me.
[knocking on door]
Chance, this is
my boyfriend, Josué.
It is a pleasure
to meet you, Chance.
I heard so much about you.
So much.
It's almost the only thing
we talk about.
Yeah.
I'm kind of a big deal
around here.
Especially since
I lost this tooth.
Oh.
Your mommy and daddy
already met Josué,
and they love him.
In fact, your mommy told me
that she wished I was her dad.
[laughs]
I mean, it was a joke.
But in every joke,
un poquito the truth.
How is that funny?
Well, you probably don't get
it because you're too young.
Oh, no, I get it.
I'm asking, how is that funny?
I've lost my appetite.
Isn't he cute?
[upbeat saxophone music]
There's my favorite
head of hair.
When are we gonna get you
out of these tight coveralls
and into my salon chair?
You don't want me
to take these off.
[chuckles]
It's an awkward
20-minute process.
I bet I could do it in 10.
Dad, Lisa seems
really into you.
And she can see and hear
and everything.
No. The only thing
a rich woman like that wants
from a guy like me is to help
her dispose of a murder weapon.
I know why you're
ignoring her.
Oscar told me
about you and Mom.
Oscar,
you little gossip toad.
Dad, you and Mom
are finally in a good place.
We can all be in the same room
at the same time.
Why would you
want to ruin that?
You don't have to worry,
all right?
'Cause I could never compete
with a guy like Josué.
And I don't think
I have the courage
to tell your mom
how I really feel.
So I'm just gonna eat
pan Dulce
and listen to Tay-Tay
until I die-die.
Dad, I want you to be happy.
What if you asked out Lisa
to get your mind off Mom?
You don't have
anything to lose–
except maybe your split ends.
I think Mayan's right.
You do have split ends.
Also that thing
about Lisa being into you.
Even if that's true,
I can't think of anything
but Rosie right now.
Too bad, because if Rosie
saw you and Lisa,
boy, would she be jealous.
You really think so?
I spilled water on myself;
so I had to change.
I'm back.
Oh, I think so.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪
Before you throw paint…
it's faux.
- How was your date?
- Fabulous.
Lisa's beautiful,
rich, smart…
everything I'm looking for.
Why did you say it
all evil like that?
Hello, Rosemary.
Your daughter and I were
just talking about my date.
Did you take
her dogsledding?
No. Lisa and I went
to a restaurant
where the lobster was so fresh,
it whispered in my ear.
[screeches softly]
Lisa's company
empowers women every day.
Maybe you've heard of it–
Hair Slut.
Ah. You're dating a slut.
[chuckles] That's on brand.
I see what you're doing.
You're using Lisa
to make Mom jealous.
You told me
you weren't gonna act
- on your feelings for Mom.
- I'm not.
But I can't help it if your mom
sees me with another woman
and gets jealous
and forgets Josué even exists.
Where-sué.
Who-sué.
No-sué.
[upbeat saxophone music]
both: We're here.
And Josué brought
you a gift, gordo.
The limited-edition
Jurassic Apex Predator
Dinosword.
I spared no expense.
It was $175.92.
[clicks tongue]
That is so nice
of you, Josué.
Now that you've met Chance,
we should all have
a nice dinner together.
Oh, I would love that.
Thank you for welcoming me
into your family, Mayan.
Is Grandpa gonna come?
I said nice dinner, so, no.
I'm gonna go salt and pepper
their pots
and pray that
some of the seasoning sticks.
So do you like the sword?
Your nana tells me
you're a good student,
so you deserve only the best.
Maybe you can use this sword
to cut the crap.
Uh…
have I done something
to offend you, Chance?
You're moving in on nana,
and she's mine.
But she can be yours
and mine.
You clearly don't know
how love works.
And nana's gonna pick me
'cause I won her heart
eight years ago when
my first words were "nana."
Well, we'll see about that.
She likes the way
I say her name, too.
[rolling tongue]
Rosie.
Let's settle this
like the adorable men we are.
I challenge you to a charm-off.
Well, I accept.
My name is Josué Montoya.
You will not take my Rosie.
Prepare to cry.
I was born crying.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Thank God my dad is not here
to ruin dinner.
I'm gonna make Josué feel
like part of the family
so that my mom sees
that he belongs with her
and that my dad belongs
in a Muppet rock band.
Well, that's why I made
some of my family's
traditional Dutch recipes–
bitterballen,
vollkornbrot, and snert.
I love it when you
talk snert-y to me.
Mm.
[knocking on door]
Hola, mi amor.
Hola.
Un ramo de rosas
para mi Rosie.
[gasps]
Ay, Josué,
these are beautiful.
Aren't these beautiful, Chance?
I can't afford fancy roses.
But on my way to school,
I spotted this beautiful daisy,
and it reminded me of you.
Ahh!
This is worth more than
all the roses in the world.
Oh!
But these are nice, too.
I'm gonna go put these
in water.
Tickle.
Pro tip, always keep
a daisy in your pocket.
Here.
Put it on your grave,
'cause you're dead.
Well, the night is young,
and I don't have a bedtime.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪
The first course
of Quinten's dinner
of Dutch delights is
Hollandse nieuwe haring.
both: Ooh.
It's pickled herring
with fermented onions.
both: Ah.
Buenos salutations, family.
Hi. I hope
we're not interrupting.
[chuckles]
Dad, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
at a jazz concert.
Mayan, you're such a pill.
[chuckles]
We were on our way,
and then I realized
that I hate jazz.
Family–
and Josué–
I want you to meet someone
who's very important to me.
Lisa…
What's your last name, baby?
Perry.
Enchanté.
Yes.
Lisa Perry Enchanté.
That's right.
She's Italian.
Isn't George a gas?
[laughs]
From 2:00 a.m.
to 4:00 a.m., yes.
[laughs]
[laughter]
[pops lips]
Lisa.
You seem like an intelligent,
worldly woman.
How does George fit into that?
[chuckles awkwardly]
You know, I think you guys
have had enough appetizers.
Oh, we haven't had any.
There is an old Dutch saying,
appetizers are
for losers and Belgians.
Quinten.
Help me clear some plates?
Lisa, will you tell Rosie
why you can't get enough
of all of this?
Well, George makes me laugh.
And I just love
how he was never scared of me.
You know, so many men
are intimidated
by smart, successful women.
Well, there's nothing
I find more attractive
than a strong
and capable woman.
Ay, Josué.
Well, there's nothing
I find more attractive
than a woman who makes cookies.
Oh, Chance.
Women aren't just
for making cookies.
[chuckles]
You must forgive him,
mi amor.
He's young, immature,
and sexist.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna go
to my room and plot.
I mean pray.
My dad won't stop rubbing
Lisa in my mom's face.
Yeah, but I don't think
she's getting jealous.
When my mom feels threatened,
she ups her game
by reapplying her lipstick.
She's on her 12th coat.
Have I told you
how much Lisa loves my hair?
both: Yes.
Oh, this man is a lion,
and I'm his tamer.
[laughs]
both: Rawr!
I feel like I'm
at the circus right now.
We need to skip
the main course
and go straight to dessert.
You want me to skip
the zuurkool stamppot
and go straight
to the stroopwafels?
I am a child of divorce
watching my dad act
like a jungle cat
for a hair slut.
Time for dessert.
Oh, what about dinner?
Another Dutch tradition–
you skip dinner,
eat dessert as fast as you can,
and then run off
in those ugly wooden shoes.
Behold.
A child is born in Bethlehem.
What is going on, gordo?
Why are you wearing
your costume
from the Christmas pageant?
Since this dinner is
all about family,
I wanted to honor
our family members
who are watching over us
as angels.
Oh.
Oh.
It's on.
Hark,
the herald angels sing ♪
Glory to the newborn king ♪
both: Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
God and sinners reconciled ♪
Lisa, I love you.
both: What?
both: Joyful
all ye nations rise ♪
Join the triumph
of the skies ♪
Let's have a kid together.
Come on.
Hold on.
both: With angelic
host proclaim ♪
Okay! Enough!
Enough.
I can't do this anymore.
And neither can I.
I can't let you
keep doing this.
I am so sorry, Lisa,
but my dad has been using you
to make my mom jealous.
He's still in love with her.
What?
Is this true, George?
No.
Yes. I'm sorry.
You used me?
Come on, Lisa,
you used me, too.
What other motive
would you have
for dating someone like me?
I genuinely liked you.
That is just sick.
Are you insane?
Insane enough to do this!
Oh!
What is going on?
Why are you two trying
to out-sing each other
like two divas
on "RuPaul's Drag Race"?
I'm sorry, Rosie.
Chance and I were engaged
in a charm-off to win you over.
That I was clearly winning.
I hadn't hit
my high note yet.
If you could hit
a note higher than mine,
you need to see a doctor.
Stop it.
This ends right now.
There is room in my life
for both of you.
But what about Grandpa?
What do you mean, gordo?
It Josué's a part
of our lives,
Grandpa's gonna go away.
He said that Mommy wished
he was her dad.
Oh, Chance.
Your mommy was just kidding.
Sort of.
Your grandpa
is not going anywhere.
He's part of our family.
And nothing is
going to change that.
I could never replace
your grandpa, Chance.
His crazy antics
are way too fun to miss.
That's what I love
about him, too.
And, you know,
I've never met anyone
who could match my charm.
Same,
although Churro
comes pretty close.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Sorry, Dad, but I had
to tell Lisa the truth.
But I did not think
that she was gonna go
all "Real Housewives" on you.
Well, I should have
never used Lisa
to make your mom jealous.
My feelings for her
got me all mixed up,
but I promise I'll–
I'll figure it out.
I know you will.
But can you figure out how to
get out of those leather pants?
I think
they're part of me now.
Lisa left?
That's too bad.
She seemed nice.
Wait, you weren't
jealous of her?
But you did
the whole lipstick thing.
Well, I had
to reapply every time
I snuck in a bite
of the ropa vieja
I have hidden under the table.
Yeah, actually,
Lisa didn't leave.
She wanted to go
to the concert, so…
Well, she's waiting in the car.
- I'll see her out there.
- George, wait.
I think you should be here
for this.
Well, I wanted tonight
to be a special night.
It still can be.
Shall I reheat the snert?
all: No.
Well, I wanted to ask
this question when Rosie
was surrounded by family and–
and when I had the blessing
of the most important man
in her life.
I didn't give any blessing.
Rosie, you are
the most extraordinary woman
I've ever known.
Will you please make me
the happiest man ever…
and be my wife?
Yes.
Yes, Josué. Of course.
Wow.
Congratulations, Rosie, Josué.
Thank you, George.
We're cool for now,
but you better be good
to my nana,
'cause I'm keeping
this Dinosword,
and I know how to use it.
- So happy for you!
- That's beautiful.
When are you going
to get her a ring?