Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s02e08 Episode Script

This is a great idea.
It's been ages since we got drunk before lunch.
- How about The Bull? - Uh, no, somewhere further away.
- What's on the agenda? - I just need a drink first.
- Did Abigail get back to you? - No, nothing.
This is really weird.
I think maybe she slipped out during Angus' big announcement.
Without telling me? Uh, she's not picking up.
I'm starting to Uh, guys, can we just go via her flat? - It's a ten-minute detour.
- Is everything all right? I don't know.
Last I knew, everything was fine.
Did you guys Did you see anything? - Well - What kind of a well was that? - I don't really know what I saw.
- What did you see? Well, it was a It was a look.
A notable look? Obviously a notable look, Dylan, or I wouldn't have noticed it.
But not so notable that I would have brought it up before now.
I would say it was at the low end of notable.
What did you see? Well, I arrived at the party and I was I was feeling good, you know, it was late in the day There was a nice vibe to the place.
Lots of familiar faces.
And for a party celebrating a divorce, I gotta tell you, I thought it had an upbeat atmosphere.
Some pretty girls, good drinks.
I knew I looked good in my top.
You know, it just it just It felt really right around my shoulders.
You know how that feels? When a top just sort of holds you? Okay, I really don't need to know how snug your shirt was.
Will you please just get on with the story? Please.
- Oh! There he is.
- Oh.
Angus.
Man of the hour.
All right.
Here is the official proof that I destroyed my marriage.
On account of my infidelity.
Congratulations.
I think you'll be very happy, mate.
- What, you don't think I'm damaged goods? - Oh, no, you are.
We all are.
I wonder if I look back on today, if it's the moment that my life got better or much worse.
I wish I knew which way it was gonna go and then I'd know how to feel about it.
Me and Evie got this for you.
- Oh.
- Don't smoke it all at once.
It's a party.
Maybe I'll meet someone.
Oh! - First ever divorce party.
- Oh, yeah, mine too.
Oh, yes.
Huh.
You certainly seem to be the center of attention.
How long Did you invite Jane? - Yeah.
- Dude, why? It's Jane.
Everyone loves Jane.
And she was on the groom's side of the aisle at the wedding.
The wedding where she dumped Dylan? Yeah.
Ah, but if she hadn't done that, Dylan wouldn't have met Abigail, and Abigail makes Dylan happy.
- Have you met Abigail yet? - No.
You know, she's coming tonight.
Oh, well, um, I'm looking forward to meeting her.
- Angus - Mmm.
who's the girl in the pink dress? Oh, that's Nicole.
I work with her.
Uh-huh.
Is this gonna end up as a story about how you slept with Nicole? No, au contraire, I spent most of the evening trying not to sleep with her.
I'm trying to ignore my instincts.
It's, uh, my new thing.
Can you just get to the bit where you saw Abigail's notable look thing? Yeah, okay, fine.
Basically it was it was a look with a kind of searching sadness and regret.
We'd just got back from Well, never mind that.
Anyway the actual look was much later on.
Everybody, um, I've got an announcement to make! So, um, I thought I'd say a few words, uh, this evening, um, but I didn't think they'd be these words.
So she was looking at you? Why why would she be looking at you? I don't know.
I didn't even notice her looking at me.
Dude, she was gazing at you.
- Why would she be gazing at you, Evie? - I don't know! We had, like, the most normal conversation.
"Pleased to meet you" Dah di dah - Oh, Dylan's here! - Hey! How you doing? Hey, Mal.
- How are you? - Good to see you.
Hey.
- Abigail.
Hi.
- I'm Mal.
- Great to see you.
- Hey.
There he is.
Hi, I'm Evie.
Good to meet you.
Abigail.
Right.
Uh, drinks? - I'll go.
- I'll help.
- Great.
- That's it.
We bought some drinks.
We brought them back to you.
Technically, it's your round now.
- Anything else? - No! I mean, we realized we'd bumped into each other at Angus' wedding hotel.
So, that was interesting.
But nothing weird.
That's all.
- So I'm guessing Dylan is the friend - Was! Was, that's like I'm I'm engaged now to Mal.
I don't know why I didn't just say we'd met before.
I - Um, did you and that chef - Yeah, no, never again.
Okay.
After that night, everyone thought I was a lesbian, which probably made my life easier overall.
They do say that about lesbianism.
I did not expect you to be Evie.
Ditto.
I'm guessing you never did say anything to him.
Ah, it sort of never came up.
And then things moved on and you know, Mal Mal's great.
You know, I'm really, really happy and Dylan is all yours.
I didn't mean it like that.
No, I know, I know, I know.
But he is.
It's it's all good.
I'm glad it worked out for you.
Okay, sorry to get all Hercule Poirot on your ass, but I saw you guys talking and it wasn't just pleasant chit chat over drinks.
Yes, it was.
Can we find the nearest pub? I really need that drink now.
I detected a certain intensity, Evie.
Okay, I wasn't gonna dob you in, Poirot, but if anyone is to blame for upsetting Abigail last night, - it's definitely you, mate.
- What's this? - I don't think - Yeah, we do.
- I didn't - Whatever you did, you did.
Luke, what did you do? He grabbed her arm and pulled her back to talk! In a friendly way.
It wasn't a grab, it was a request with my hands.
Luke! I may have glossed over a couple details.
But what matters is, Abigail and I parted on good terms.
- Just tell me the truth.
- I don't want to do that.
- The truth makes me feel real feelings.
- I need to know what happened.
Right, all right, all right.
Abigail and I had a difficult conversation at one point in the evening, agreed.
Granted, Evie, okay? But it had nothing to do with Dylan, so it's irrelevant.
- I'd like to be the judge of that.
- Look But there's There's a context to what happened, Dylan, and the context itself was important.
So, let's hear the context.
I've been I've been seeing a therapist.
You've been dating a therapist? Not dating.
Seeing as in paid appointments to talk about my emotions and so forth.
I think I have issues with love and sex and relationships.
You're in therapy? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
No, no.
No, no, it's fine.
- I love you guys.
- I just I've been trying to break some old habits and this girl Nicole is making things very, very difficult for me.
Cleo, I need help.
- I'm being tempted.
I need a strategy.
- What's going on? - Oh, Dylan's here! - Hey I'm being tempted by hollow, hedonistic sex.
I just I don't know whether or not that's a good thing.
Luke, I'm in the middle of something.
Is it urgent? There's a girl I want to have sex with.
First time in ages, so that's good.
But I'm not sure I want to be that guy anymore.
You don't have to sleep with someone straight away.
Yes! Good.
Go slow.
How do I do that? I don't know.
Try being mindful? Fuck, mindful? You haven't seen this girl.
She's a hall-of-famer.
Okay, so prove to yourself you can get through the night without sleeping with her.
Sleep with her next week.
I am gonna find that very fucking difficult, Cleo.
What might make it easier? Dude, where is this going? How do you stop a guy from wanting a cigarette? Nicotine patch? Give him a cigarette.
That's how you stop him wanting one.
Well I gave myself a cigarette.
Oh, my God.
That is where this is going.
- I don't follow.
- Tell me you're joking! It was a medical procedure to avert a major psychological crisis.
That is not where your consciousness is located.
- Is it not? - You knocked one out at Angus's party? To take the edge off my lust for Nicole.
I took no pleasure in it, other than the obvious pleasure I took in it.
Why why does this involve Abigail? Well, you see, I kept running into this girl and she's honestly smoking hot.
So well then Hey! Hi.
- Hi.
- Angus talks about you a lot at work.
He's really pinning his hopes on you.
- Hopes? - Yeah.
Hopes for what? Getting laid.
He says it's your forte.
What? What? I wouldn't say it's a forte, per se.
It's more of a knack, really.
Well, I think if you have a talent, you ought to share it.
You know, actually my biggest talent is for origami.
Would you like me to make you a paper swan? Okay.
Okay, I'll make you a paper swan, cheers.
Nicole was woof and impossibly hot.
- What is wrong with you? - No, what is right with me.
This was me trying to be a better man.
Look, I didn't plan for any of this.
But the toilet was busy, and I was desperate.
This particular spot was officially out of bounds.
And I genuinely thought I'd be over and done with in two minutes.
Nobody would have ever had to know.
So you're saying your therapist told you to do this? Effectively, yes.
Not in so many words, but I read between the lines.
Come on, you fucker.
Yeah, come on.
It's not what it looks like.
What is it then? - I don't know.
- Oh, dear God.
- Do you want to talk about this? - Look, please This will need to be talked about! I know it looked bad, but she did keep saying she wasn't upset about me, and it was about something else.
I don't understand why she wouldn't pick up the phone to Dylan because of me.
She was holding a cigarette? Yeah.
Abigail doesn't smoke.
Why was she smoking? I don't know.
But if she came out for a smoke because she was upset, then her being upset predates her catching me au naturel.
There's nothing natural about what you were doing.
My point is that I'm off the hook.
Yeah, good job, Luke.
You really come out of this looking good.
I've never seen her smoke.
Look, dude it wasn't Evie and it wasn't me.
She's not returning your calls.
Maybe you upset her.
I barely saw her all night.
We had, like, one conversation.
You all right? You having a good time? - Yeah.
- What? - Can I ask you a question? - Absolutely.
Anything.
Did you and Evie sleep together? Yeah.
Yeah we did, um, but it was a long time ago.
- And then never again? - No.
We're just friends and we've been just friends for a very long time.
Did she have to get tested 'cause of that friendship? No, it was like seven years ago.
It was before chlamydia was even invented.
I've met Evie before.
When you were looking for a wedding venue for Angus.
- I was on the bar that night.
- Were you? I don't think we met, 'cause I'd have remembered you.
I really liked her.
Anyway, green-eyed paranoia.
It's over and done with.
- I'm sorry for prying.
- Oh, it's okay.
You can ask me anything.
I still don't get why she was smoking.
Hey, why don't you ask Angus? He was with her.
Okay, I really want to see her now.
I'm getting worried.
- Dyl.
- Angus, I need you to listen carefully.
Last night you were with Abigail when you both saw Luke.
Oh, yeah, that's an image that will stay in my head forever.
Yeah.
Angus, were you with Abigail before you went outside to smoke? - Yeah, she seemed quite upset.
- Tell me everything you know.
Well, I'd had a bit of a difficult night.
It's cool that you're throwing a party to celebrate the divorce.
Oh, well, that's me all over.
Fun-loving and now single as well.
- Uh, why did you get divorced? - Oh, I slept with a stripper.
Oh! Yes, I already tried that.
And no, it didn't work.
So, what now? - I don't know! You're the therapist! - So, can I get you that drink? Um, I'm just gonna go see my friend.
- Yeah.
- See you later? Eventually I just thought, "No, Angus, give up on love and enjoy the company of some wonderful people.
" So, I went to speak to Jane.
Jane! Hey! Oh, Abigail, this is Jane.
She was Dylan's date at mine and Helen's wedding.
Sadly, it wasn't meant to be.
But on the upside, it was meant to be with Angus's best man.
How is he? Actually, I was working there that night.
Dylan let you have the room, didn't he? Yeah, he's a gentleman like that.
Oh, God, you weren't there the night we set off the fire alarm, were you? Me and Dylan were just talking about how I met Evie that night.
Oh, well, here we all are together again.
Oh, God, Jane, it's been too long since we saw you.
Jane, Jane, good old Jane.
Actually, I saw Dylan and Evie quite recently.
- Oh, really? - Mmm.
- Saw her at the clinic.
- Evie was at the clinic? Pretty sure they had a little wingding after him and me broke up.
I mean, it was always on the cards.
Because maybe she was just waiting for someone? She was wielding her pot of wee like a tiny little trophy and Dylan was looking very anxious about the whole thing.
You don't know what her results were, do you? - No.
- Oh, well.
It's only chlamydia.
It's probably good for you to get it once.
You know, like, uh, chicken pox.
Has anyone got a cigarette? - Oh, shit.
- What is it? I've been waiting to flame up the beast.
I think I know why Abigail's upset.
And then, the most wonderful thing happened.
Holly! You found me! - Or are you here for someone else? - No.
I've been looking for you for ages.
I'm so happy! Me too! God, I'd begun to think you were some wonderful drunk dream.
I've thought about you every day for three months.
- Aw.
- Oh, God, can I get you a drink? Can't.
Pregnant.
Oh! Well, ah, congratulations.
Uh, how far along are you? About three months.
Sorry three months? It's yours! Oh, my God.
- Oh - Yes! - Really? - Yes, yes! - Okay.
- Yes.
Will you guys wait for me? Of course.
Good luck.
Where's Mal? - Rugby's on in the back room.
- Your touchline awaits.
Don't.
- How did we get here, Dyl? - What do you mean? Well, how do you feel about Abigail? I mean really? Being honest? Everybody, um, I've got an announcement to make! So, I thought I'd say a few words this evening, um, but I didn't think they'd be these words.
Um, this is Holly.
Hi.
Um, we met at a strip club.
Um, but afterwards they threw me out.
Um, I went back in the daytime to find her, but they threatened to break my nose.
And then, you know, they fired me.
And I've been looking for Angus ever since and then he just pops up in a photo on my friend's Instagram page Divorce party! - Um we're having a baby! - Oh, and we're getting married! Yeah! You know, I want what you have.
You know, I want to be in love again.
Why, what's up? I really did want a drink in my hand before I said anything.
What's going on? - You all right? - Fine.
Only, I was talking to Jane and she mentioned you being at the STI clinic with Dylan, and I sort of put two and two together.
- I made a mistake.
- Oh, so did I.
Does he know? - Mal doesn't know.
- Oh, I won't say anything.
Actually, with me, I don't think I did make a mistake.
And I'm not proud of cheating, but I think I made the bigger mistake long ago.
Everything after that was just the consequences.
- Did you know that at the time? - On some level I think I did.
What did it feel like? Uh, look, I tried to kiss you on my wedding day.
- I mean, there were warning signs.
- Yeah.
There was just this ache for a different life that never went away.
And I thought marriage would fix it.
Doesn't it? I think, on some level, Helen knew I didn't love her as much as she loved me.
And she just became permanently angry with me because of it.
Angus, I am so full of doubts.
- I keep thinking it's just because it's me.
- But what if it's not? Have you guys seen Abigail? I can't find her anywhere.
No.
Okay, thanks.
My hard-won advice would be not to ignore those feelings.
Yeah.
I'm gonna need somewhere to live.
I know why you're not answering my calls and why you left without me.
Evie and I slept together about a year ago.
I lied to you about that.
I didn't lie because there's anything going on between us.
I lied because I'm ashamed of it.
And because I didn't want you thinking that I'm the kind of person who does things like that.
Who shags someone's girlfriend? But that is what you did.
I don't mind complicated.
I can handle the occasional failure in character but I do not like being lied to.
How was Mal? Bad.
Really bad.
I just couldn't not say anything.
I just would have always had this thought eating away at me.
How do you feel? Be honest or I'll kick you out.
I love you.
And I'm trying not to say that lightly anymore.
- How about you? - Annoyed at you.
I'm worried.
I'm really happy when you say that you love me because I do love you back.
And I'm annoyed about that on top of everything.
You don't mess this up.
Is any of this about Dylan? Of course it's about Dylan.