Miracle Workers (2019) s02e08 Episode Script

1
CONAN: Sit and I'll
sing you some lore ♪
Of a prince and a peasant of yore ♪
Despite family name,
two friends they became ♪
Who knows what their fate
has in store? ♪
The meet at the castle each day ♪
Together, they laugh, and they play ♪
They take lots of walks
and share lots of talks ♪
They're spending an excessive
amount of time together ♪
But really, like, what's going on? ♪
He seems into her, but he's weird ♪
What's he doing there?
You see, with his hand? ♪
Yikes, this is so hard to watch ♪
She's also not helping things much ♪
Look how she's punching his arm ♪
Is she trying to flirt?
Oh, look, now he's hurt ♪
She's punched him too hard in the arm ♪
And so that's the tale
of a star-crossed pair ♪
Or are they just two normal friends? ♪
Clarity would be nice
for everyone involved ♪
In terms of knowing how
to proceed with more verses ♪
In terms of knowing how to proceed ♪
Excuse me? Can you stop singing?
I-I can hear you,
and it's really unnerving.
I don't tell you how to do your job.
Who is even paying you to do this?
I'm independently wealthy.
[SIGHS]
With more verses ♪
I've gone down that road again ♪
I've been there before ♪
Though want to know more ♪
It's always been ♪
♪
[SWORD SLICES, CHICKEN CLUCKS]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
I am so impressed you knew how to build
one of these star-tracking devices.
What is it called again?
- It's an astrolabe.
- Thank you.
It's been really fun working
on this with you.
♪
Well, um, seeing as we're on the topic
of space and time, um,
I was wondering if you had
any plans this Saturday.
Oh, uh, no.
I'm not doing anything. Why?
Um, well [CLEARS THROAT]
I saw this, actually.
An astronomer's giving a lecture
right here in Lower Murkford!
[CHUCKLING] Whoa!
Um, I wondered if you'd like to go.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Great!
Well, then I shall plan
to pick you at your place
for our
Saturday hanging-out
session.
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
- We'll see you then.
- Yeah!
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Gotcha.
- [BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [FOOTSTEPS FADE]
- Oh, buddy.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Lord Vexler?
Do you have an opinion on something?
Oh, I'd just be careful if I were you.
You know, matters of the heart
can get complicated.
[SCOFFS] Oh, Vexler.
I'm no stranger to matters of the heart.
I was engaged before, remember?
To Princess Isabella.
That was only because
your fathers were trying
to form a political alliance.
And you were both babies.
♪
Still, I would have wed her happily
had she not been carried off
by that hawk.
[BIRD SHRIEK]
All I'm saying is,
don't get too invested.
Relationships between peasants
and princes never work.
You're from completely different worlds.
Who cares about that nonsense?
No, we get along, we have fun together,
and we're about to go
on a wonderful first date.
Oh, i-is it a date?
Of course it is.
[SIGHING] Ah. Does she know that?
Did you say it explicitly?
I thought it was implied.
[SLURPS]
Mm-hmm.
♪
I said, "Look, Farmer Greg,
you can tell me that's a potato
until the cows come home,
but my cryin' eyes says it's an onion."
[LAUGHTER]
He honored the coupon after that.
Look. Oh, shh, shh, shh!
6:00 Time for the news.
Oh.
- [NEW JINGLE PLAYS]
- Hello,
and thank you for tuning in to Mad Jane,
your most watched and trusted source
for the news of the day.
- Can we turn it up a bit?
- Uh, sure.
Uh, speak louder.
The crisis on the border continues!
A caravan of Druids has been spotted
crossing into Lower Murkford
the Druids depicted here.
[PEOPLE MURMUR, GROAN]
Hey, how many Druids does it
take to screw in a wall torch?
- How many?
- 10.
One to screw it in,
the rest to rob your house
while it's dark.
[LAUGHTER]
One to screw it in
[LAUGHS] Oh. That's rich.
Pbht! Nuts!
Need a hand?
♪
Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks.
Ah, I don't believe we've met before.
- I'm Eddie.
- I'm Lila.
I just moved here.
Oh, well, welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks.
I'll be right here if you need
more roadside assistance.
[LAUGHS]
That's rich.
Hey, Lila,
if you ever want to grab a beer,
me and my buddies are usually
hanging out at the tavern.
Stop on by.
We're a friendly bunch.
I would love to.
Thanks, Eddie.
♪
[DOOR OPENS]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, all right, then.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Druid-aaa ♪
Druid-ohhh ♪
Looking forward to that beer, Eddie.
Thanks again for the invite.
[BELLS TOLL]
AL: Psst! Maggie.
How do I look?
Like you're going on a date.
It's not necessarily a date.
Shouldn't you already know that
by this point?
Chauncley's hard to read.
I can never tell if he's
sweating because he likes me
or because his royally inbred body
can't regulate his temperature.
Well, do you want it to be a date?
I'm open to the possibility.
Ugh. I'm sick of this already.
Thanks again for inviting me.
- This will be fun.
- Oh, I'm excited.
Yeah, you and me finally
going out on a
scientific lecture.
Um, two please.
Well, it's your lucky day,
'cause we're having
a lover's special.
Uh, wh-what's that?
Admission is three coins for couples
or two apiece for singles.
Oh, um, right.
Well, l-let's see.
Um
So what'll it be?
One lover's special
or two singles?
Is Is there a third option?
No.
Um, well, uh
Um
Two singles, please.
♪
Hey, thanks for paying.
I'll grab the next one.
Ah, no no problem.
Thank you.
♪
So, here we are.
The big talk.
Something tells me it's going to be
out of this world.
Get it?
Out of this world?
Because the nature of the talk
is astronomical
or out of this world,
as it were? [CHUCKLES]
Oh. [LAUGHS]
- Nice.
- Mm.
Thanks.
- Hi, everyone.
- [CROWD MURMURS]
Who's that?
I'm Archie Cosmos.
Wait. Are we in the right room?
Now, I know that science
can feel pretty technical,
but I'm gonna try and keep things fun.
And who knows?
My talk might even be out of this world.
[LAUGHS]
♪
And so, in conclusion,
that is why stars twinkle.
- I've always wondered about that.
- Hmm.
Okay, any questions?
- Yes.
- Yes. Hi.
Um, why don't you look like your picture?
[CHUCKLES] I get that a lot.
It was actually painted
by the blind artist of Gabagool.
Eh, it's a terrible likeness.
Yeah, but the artist was blind,
- so it's pretty good, considering.
- Aw, I don't think so.
All right. Thank you, everyone,
so much for your time.
Thank you.
May the North Star guide you always.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Right.
So, shall we get going?
Are you kidding?
When else are we gonna get a chance
to talk to an astronomer?
- Let's go.
- Mm.
Thank you.
Hi. We just wanted to say that
- we really enjoyed your talk
- Mm.
especially what you said
about celestial rotation.
It's a controversial opinion,
but I've always believed
that the Earth revolves around the
Sun.
Yes, exactly.
Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
And the moon.
It's also up there.
Y-Yeah, that's that's so true.
Good call, man. It's up there, for sure.
Uh, this is really embarrassing,
but would you mind signing our astrolabe?
Uh, y-yeah.
Wow. That is a beaut.
- Who should I make it out to?
- Al and Chauncley.
Yes, we've been building it together.
You know, if you want
to test that thing out,
my calculations tell me
that Laslo's Comet will be
passing Lower Murkford tonight.
I've scoped out this great
vantage point at the top
of Chicken Neck Hill
if, um, you and your
- husband want to join.
- [LAUGHS] Oho!
- We're not married.
- We are not wed.
- We're friends.
- We are unwedded friends.
Well, you're welcome to join
as, um, friends.
- That'd be great.
- Yes, I'd love that.
Al and Chauncley.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ooh!
[LAUGHTER]
I've got one.
What's gray and furry
and looks good on a Druid's neck?
What?
A hungry wolf!
Because it is eating the Druid.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, um but they're not all bad.
Some
are even good, maybe.
What's up with you today?
Nothing. Just forget it.
Speak of the devil.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[LAUGHTER]
[ALL CHUCKLING]
[STAFF THUDS]
You have something you want to say to me?
Relax.
We're just having fun, right, Eddie?
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
Huh.
[LAUGHTER]
MAN: Well-played, everyone. Right, Eddie?
So, as an explorer,
do you get to travel a lot?
My work takes me to the four corners
of the world pretty regularly.
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a bit
of a world traveler myself.
A rolling stone, if you will.
Going wherever the good wind takes me.
Oh, nice.
I'm always looking for travel "recs."
What's your favorite spot?
Oh, just this place called
Pretty Little Princess
Mandrake Beach Resort Do you know it?
I'm pretty friendly
with the concierge there.
I could probably get you a "rez."
Oh, thanks. It's not really my style.
I sort of prefer to rough it.
You ever traveled, Al?
Nah, my family's all shit shovelers,
so vacations always seemed
kind of out of reach.
I totally get it.
I'm from a lower-income
background myself.
My parents are puke-moppers by trade.
- No way!
- Yeah.
One day, I just decided to
take control of my own destiny,
set off into the world,
consequences be damned.
I even changed my name
from Archibald Pukemopper
to Archibald Cosmos
'cause that's how far I dare to dream.
Wow.
Yeah.
♪
This is an eagle feather.
I wear it as a reminder to fly free
until I find my destiny.
Take it.
Till you find your own.
Thank you.
[BIRD SHRIEK]
♪
And here is
some money.
Take it.
Till you find your own.
This makes me feel weird.
Oh.
What do you want?
Wanted to bring you
a little housewarming gift.
These are fresh rock sprouts
from my garden.
If this is your way of trying to make up
for what happened at the tavern,
it's not gonna work.
Are you talking about my friends?
Those knuckleheads.
They're just joking around.
They're nice folks
once you get to know them.
They seem like a bunch of jerks to me,
and if you hang out with them,
then you seem like one, too.
Okay, word of advice.
You can make things a lot easier
on yourself here in town
if you just left the whole
Druid getup at home.
I mean, I don't mind it, but, uh
it does draw a bit of attention,
you know?
Go [BLEEP] yourself.
I've never seen stars like this before.
It's pretty amazing, huh?
It reminds me of how small we are,
how fleeting life is.
That's why we need to take advantage
of every moment we have.
- That's so true.
- Yeah.
[SIGHING] You know,
it's getting rather chilly.
Perhaps we should head back soon, eh?
We can catch the comet
the next time it swings by.
It's not for another 87 years.
Oh, well, yes, but we haven't had
our second supper or our snackies.
No sweat. I've got us covered.
- Voilà!
- AL: Whoa! Nice!
Smells so good.
- It's a gift from a trader in Verona.
- Wow.
So, is this
a cut-your-own-meat situation?
Oh, uh I'll get that for you.
Oh, no, no, no. I am a man of the world.
I think I can handle this, thank you.
Cheers.
♪
[CHAUNCLEY GRUNTING]
[COUGHING]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
- Oh, my God, he's choking.
- Not to worry.
I learned this trick
from the Healing Monks of Meru.
- [WHEEZING]
- [GRUNTS]
[CHAUNCLEY CHOKING]
- [COUGHS]
- Ah, thank God!
- Chauncley, are you okay?
- Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm fine.
I'll just be back in a moment.
I seem to have done a little pee-pee.
Uh, do you want me to come with you?
No, no! I just need a a moment alone.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
It's fine. You're fine.
Everything's fine.
You like her, and she likes you ♪
Doodely-doodely-doodely-doo ♪
There you are.
You've song a little song.
Now you feel better.
[SIGHS]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
MAN: I was not expecting
another anti-Druid punch line.
- WOMAN: I know.
- Oh, come on!
I'm starting to get real sick
of these jokes.
Chill out, Eddie!
No, you chill out!
I have a joke for you.
How many of "you guys" does it take
to screw in a wall torch?
- What?
- 10.
One to screw it in
and the rest to be a bunch of jerks.
[CROWD MURMURING]
I don't like it when that joke
is directed at us.
Ohh! Again?
Uh, sorry.
They wouldn't let me in
at the gate for some reason.
Oh. Strange.
You must've been removed from the list.
What happened to you last night?
You just disappeared.
I was really worried.
Not that worried, apparently.
- Is this about Archie?
- What?
No. Absolutely not.
It has nothing to do with him.
I'd already forgotten about him.
Okay, well,
then why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.
I'm j I'm being realistic.
And maybe we weren't meant to be friends.
What are you talking about?
I am the crown prince. You are a peasant.
We're from two completely
different worlds.
That's a really childish point of view.
It's not childish!
And, furthermore, I'm good,
and you're bad.
I'm pretty, and you're ugly.
I'm clean, and you stink.
Ugh! Yuck! Pee-yew!
[WINDOW SLAMS]
♪
Hey, Eddie.
Thanks for sticking up for me
at the tavern last night.
How'd you know I did that?
I used my Druid magic.
Ah, you Druids are something else.
I'm joking, you dummy.
I'm friends with the bartender.
[LAUGHS] Oh. That's rich!
Come on. Let's go grab a beer.
EDDIE: Guys, this is my friend, Lila.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
Hi.
♪
So, do Druids, like, eat babies?
Gladys, come on.
We do not eat babies,
and that's offensive.
Sorry.
I love your hair.
Can I touch it?
What? I can't say that?
- I'm just interested.
- Sorry.
This is gonna take us some time
to figure out.
This just in.
An update on the Druid invasion.
Uh, uh, Mad Jane, can
can you switch to something else?
- Right?
- [ALL MURMURING]
Welcome to the Mad Jane
Home Shopping Hour.
Thank you. For three easy payments,
you can own this necklace
of my baby teeth.
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Fine!
- I like that, yeah.
- Ooh, Daddy like.
[LAUGHTER]
ARCHIE: That flickering orb's Venus.
You can tell 'cause
it's the brightest object
in the sky.
♪
No. Away from the castle.
- Ah, you see?
- Right.
♪
Looks cool.
Mm-hmm.
♪
[FIRE CRACKLING]
♪
[SIGHS]
Damn it.
The prince finally had his shot ♪
But he handled things totally wrong ♪
He messed up all week
in a number of ways ♪
And now I will list them in song ♪
CHAUNCLEY: That's really not necessary.
First, there was that thing
with the lecture ♪
That should have been a home run ♪
It would have been great
if he called it a date ♪
Man, did he [BLEEP] that one up ♪
There wasn't even a rhyme there!
Another thing that he [BLEEP] up ♪
Was the basic act of trying to chew ♪
He choked on some meat
and turned white as a sheet ♪
It's impossible
to bounce back from that ♪
[CHAUNCLEY CHOKING]
- Are you finished?
- Almost.
And so that's the tale
of the star-crossed pair ♪
The moral is that the prince sucks ♪
Now Al is in love
with a much cooler dude ♪
And Prince Chauncley's
alone with his ducks ♪
[DUCKS QUACK]
CHAUNCLEY: Don't encourage him, guys.
[SIGHS] Traitors.