Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e08 Episode Script
Archaeology Today
HERE IS A PREVIEW OF SOME OF THE PROGRAMS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE COMING SHORTLY ON BBC TELEVISION.
TO KICK OFF WITH, THERE'S VARIETY.
PETER WESTAND BRIAN JOHNSON STAR IN RAIN STOPPED PLAY A WACKY NEW COMEDY SERIES ABOUT THE GAY EXPLOITS OF TWO TELEVISION CRICKET COMMENTATORS WITH E.
W.
SWANTON AS AGGIE, THE KOOKY SCOTS MAID.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE VARIETY, THERE'S VARIETY WITH BRIAN CLOSE AT THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
THE CLASSICS SERIES RETURN TO BBC 2 WITH 26 EPISODES OF JOHN GALSWORTHY'S "SNOOKER MY WA Y" WITH NYREE DAWN PORTER REPEATING HER TRIUMPH AS JOE DA VIS.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
COMEDY IS NOT FORGOTTEN, WITH JIM LAKER IN 13 WEEKS OF OFFSPIN BOWLING.
JIM PLAYS THE ZANY BACHELOR BOWLER IN A NEW SERIES, OWZA WITH ANNELEY DRUMMOND-HA YE, ON MR.
SOFTEE, AS HIS WIFE.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
PANORAMA WILL BE RETURNING INTRODUCED AS USUAL BY TONY JACKLIN AND LULU WILL BE TACKLING THE OLD MAN OF HOY.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PREFER DRAMA, THERE'S SPORT.
ON SHOW OF THE WEEK, KENNETH WOSTENHOLME SINGS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TELEVISION THERE'S DAVID COLEMAN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
BUT NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SPORT.
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
GO ON.
BLIMEY! LOOK WHAT WE FOUND! WHAT AN AMAZING FIND.
IT REALLY IS FANTASTIC.
IT'S THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND OF THE CENTURY.
IT IS, INDEED, INDEED, INDEED.
GENTLEMEN, FROM THIS SINGLE PAR AND MONTHS OF PAINSTAKING RESEARCH WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCURATELY RECONSTRUCT THIS ENTIRE BEAST.
HELLO.
ON ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY TONIGH I HAVE WITH ME PROFESSOR LUCIEN KASTNER OF OSLO UNIVERSITY.
GOOD EVENING.
HOW TALL ARE YOU, PROFESSOR? I BEG YOUR PARDON? HOW TALL ARE YOU? I'M ABOU FIVE FOOT TEN.
AND AN EXPER IN EGYPTIAN TOMB PAINTINGS SIR ROBERT ARE YOU REALLY FIVE FOOT TEN? YES.
FUNNY, YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER THAN THAT TO ME.
ARE YOU SLUMPED FORWARD IN YOUR CHAIR AT ALL? UH, NO, I, I EXTRAORDINARY.
SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY WHO'S JUST RETURNED FROM THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA AND WHO MUST BE WELL OVER SIX FOOT.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR ROBERT? YES.
IN FACT, I THINK YOU'RE SIX FOOT FIVE, AREN'T YOU? UH, YES.
OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A TOTALLY DIFFEREN KIND OF SPECIMEN TO PROFESSOR KASTNER.
STRAIGH IN YOUR SEA ERECT, FIRM YES.
I THOUGH WE WERE HERE TO DISCUSS ARCHAEOLOGY.
YES, YES, OF COURSE WE ARE.
YES, ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! THAT'S POSITIVE THINKING FOR YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID A THING LIKE THAT, WOULD YOU YOU FIVE-FOOT-TEN-INCH WEED? SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY WHO'S VERY INTERESTING WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED IN THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA? WELL, BASICALLY, WE HAVE FOUND A COMPLEX OF TOMBS VERY GOOD SPEAKING VOICE.
WHICH PRESEN DRAMATIC EVIDENCE OF POLYNESIAN INFLUENCE IN EGYP IN THE THIRD DYNASTY WHICH IS QUITE REMARKABLE.
HOW TALL WERE THE POLYNESIANS? THEY WERE SHH! WELL, THEY WERE RATHER SMALL, SEAFARING SHORT MEN, WERE THEY ALL SQUAT AND BENT UP? WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
WHO WERE THE TALL PEOPLE? I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S THAT VERY TALL TRIBE IN AFRICA? WELL, THIS IS HARDLY ARCHAEOLOGY.
THE WATUTSI, THAT'S IT, THE WATUTSI! OH, THAT'S THE TRIBE.
SOME OF THEM WERE EIGHT FOOT TALL.
OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? EIGHT FOOT OF WATUTSI.
NOT ONE ON ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS, OH, NO! EIGHT FOOT OF SOLID WATUTSI! THAT'S WHAT I CALL TALL.
YES, BUT IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ARCHAEOLOGY.
OH, TO HELL WITH ARCHAEOLOGY! MAY I PLEASE SPEAK? I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OSLO TO DO THIS PROGRAM.
I'M A PROFESSOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY! I'M AN EXPERT IN ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TEN.
ALL RIGHT, MY POSTURE IS BAD ALL RIGHT, I SLUMP IN MY CHAIR.
BUT I'VE HAD MORE WOMEN THAN EITHER OF YOU TWO! I'VE HAD HALF OF BLOODY NORWAY THAT'S WHAT I'VE HAD! SO, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBERT EVERSLEY! AND KEEP YOUR BLOODY WATUTSI! I'D RATHER HAVE MY LITTLE BODY! MY LITTLE, FIVE-FOOT- TEN-INCH BODY.
BLOODY FOOL, LOOK WHA YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.
DON' "BLOODY FOOL" ME.
I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I'M SIX FOOT FIVE AND I EAT PUNKS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, EVERSLEY! I'LL GET YOU IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH! THE DIG WAS GOING WELL THAT YEAR.
WE'D DISCOVERED SOME HITTITE BAKING DISHES FROM THE FIFTH DYNASTY.
AND SIR ROBERT WAS HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER SEEN HIM.
WHY! A SUMERIAN DRINKING VESSEL OF THE FOURTH DYNASTY.
CATALOGUE THIS POT, DANIELLE.
IT'S FOURTH DYNASTY.
OH! IS IT? YES, IT'S SUMERIAN.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL! OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
I'M HAPPY, TOO.
NOW AT LAST WE KNOW THERE WAS A SUMERIAN INFLUENCE HERE IN ABU SIMNEL IN THE EARLY PRE-DYNASTIC PERIOD 2,000 YEARS BEFORE THE REIGN OF TUTANKHAMEN.
ALL RIGHT, EVERSLEY, GET UP OUT OF THAT TRENCH.
DON'T FORGET I'M SIX FOOT FIVE.
THAT DOESN'T WORRY ME.
KASTNER! HERE, LORD.
UP! ELEVEN FOOT THREE? I'M SO TALL! I AM SO TALL! DANIELLE.
ELEVEN FOOT SIX.
DAMN YOU! ABDUL! FIFTEEN FOOT FOUR! MUSTAPHA! NINETEEN FOOT THREE! DAMN YOU! UH, AND THERE WE END THIS EDITION OF ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY.
NEXT WEEK, THE SILBURY DIG BY COLE PORTER WITH PEARL BAILEY AND ARTHUR NEGUS.
AND NOWAN APPEAL FOR SANITY FROM THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY TODAY WHO, THROUGH NO FAUL OF THEIR OWN, ARE SANE.
SOME OF THEM WERE BORN SANE.
SOME OF THEM BECAME SANE LATER IN THEIR LIVES.
IT IS UP TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME WHO ARE OUT OF OUR TINY LITTLE MINDS TO TRY AND HELP THESE PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR SANITY.
YOU CAN START IN SMALL WAYS WITH PING-PONG BALL EYES AND A FUNNY VOICE AND THEN YOU CAN PAIN HALF OF YOUR BODY RED AND THE OTHER HALF GREEN AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN IN A BOWL OF TREACLE GOING AND THEN YOU CAN GO, "NEURH, NEURH, NEURH!" AND THEN YOU CAN ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING.
" THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING IS VICAR OF ST.
LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM.
AND NOW GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS LEAPY LEE.
NO, SORRY THAT'S THE NAME OF ME FAVORITE SINGER.
MY NAME IS MRS.
FRED STOLLE.
NO, NO, MRS.
FRED STOLLE IS THE WIFE OF ME FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER.
MY NAME IS BANANAS.
NO, NO, THAT'S ME FAVORITE FRUIT.
I'M MRS.
A-NICE-EVENING- OUT-TO-THE-PICTURES- THEN-PERHAPS-A-DANCE-AT-A-CLUB- THEN-BACK-TO-HIS-PLACE- FOR-A-QUICK-CUP-OF-COFFEE- AND-A-LITTLE-BIT-OF NO, NO, SORRY.
THAT'S ME FAVORITE WAY OF SPENDING A NIGHT OUT.
PERHAPS I AM LEAPY LEE.
YES! I MUST BE LEAPY LEE! HELLO, FANS.
LEAPY LEE HERE.
HELLO? EVIDENTLY I'M NOT LEAPY LEE.
I THOUGH I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE.
THANK YOU, I'LL TELL THEM.
HELLO, DENIS COMPTON HERE.
NO, NO.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT NUMBER? I'M MAO ZEDONG.
I'M P.
P.
ARNOLD.
I'M MARGARET THATCHER.
I'M SIR GERALD NABARRO.
HELLO? SIR LEN HUTTON HERE.
COULD YOU TELL ME, PLEASE OH, AM I? OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M MRS.
WHAT-NUMBER-ARE- YOU-DIALING-PLEASE? GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
ARE YOU THE REGISTRAR? I HAVE THAT FUNCTION.
WELL, I WAS HERE ON SATURDAY GETTING MARRIED TO A BLOND GIRL AND I'D LIKE TO CHANGE, PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE THIS ONE INSTEAD, PLEASE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, THE OTHER ONE WASN'T ANY GOOD SO I'D LIKE TO SWAP I FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE.
I HAVE PAID; I PAID ON SATURDAY.
HERE'S THE TICKET.
AH, NO, THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.
YES, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE WRONG ONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE THE COLOR.
THIS IS THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE.
SO, IF YOU COULD JUS CHANGE THE FORMS ROUND I CAN TAKE THIS ONE BACK WITH ME NOW.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, MAKE IT SIMPLE, I'LL PAY AGAIN.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, ALL I WAN YOU TO DO IS CHANGE THE WIFE SAY THE WORDS, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" BACK TO MY PLACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE.
YOU CAN AT HARRODS.
YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN; I CHANGED MY RECORD PLAYER AND THERE WASN'T A GRUMBLE.
IT'S DIFFERENT.
AND I CHANGED MY PET SNAKE.
AND I CHANGED MY ROBIN DAY TIE.
WELL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A BLOODY WIFE! OH, ALL RIGHT! WELL, CAN I BORROW ONE FOR THE WEEKEND? NO! OH, BLIMEY! I ONLY WANTED A JOLLY GOOD ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER, THEN? ALL RIGHT.
NAME? COOK.
NEXT, PLEASE.
NAME? UH, WATSON.
MR.
WATSON.
UH, NO DOCTOR.
AH, MR.
DOCTOR.
NO, NOT MISTER DOCTOR.
OH.
DR.
DOCTOR.
NO.
DR.
WATSON.
DR.
WATSON DOCTOR.
OH, JUST CALL ME DARLING.
HELLO, MR.
DARLING.
NO DOCTOR! HELLO, DOCTOR DARLING.
BUT AT WEMBLEY, PLAY HAD RESUMED.
MEANWHILE, NEARBY THE DAY WAS JUST BEGINNING FOR MUGSY SPANIEL A CONVICTED GANGSTER AND WELL-KNOWN SWELL GUY.
BREAKFAST, DEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUGSY.
EN JOY THE EGGS.
YES, INDEED, THIS WAS THE WORK OF NONE OTHER THAN EGGS DIAMOND LEADER OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICKEN GANG.
DIMSDALE.
WITH THE CHICKEN GANG OFF THE BLOTTER A MAN'S LIFE WASN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS PRINTED ON.
ALREADY THERE HAVE BEEN MURDERS COMMITTED HERE AND HERE AND THE LATEST ONE RIGHT HERE.
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
THE POWERFUL FORCES EGGS HAD LOOSED ON THE CITY WERE TO BE HIS UNDOING.
RETURN WITH US NOW TO THE HIDEOUT.
THESE AND OTHER FASCINATING LIES ARE YOURS FOR THE READING IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY BOUND VOLUME.
BUY IT NOW, SUCKERS.
THIS IS AN IDEAL GIFT A MUST FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE WHO LONG TO SOUND CLEVER AT YOUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY.
AH, JOHN ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN STOKES THIS IS A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY CROSS YOUR FACE FOR A MOMENT JUST THEN.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY, I'M USED TO IT.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE OF HAVING A SURNAME LIKE "GIT.
" OH YES, YES.
WE THOUGHT ABOU CHANGING IT BY DEED-POLL TO WATSON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED WATSON'S JUST AS BAD, EH? YES, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
OH, THAT'S MY WIFE.
DARLING, COME AND MEE MR WHAT WAS IT? STOKES, JOHN STOKES.
OH, YES.
JOHN STOKES, THIS IS MY WIFE DREARY FA BORING OLD.
OH, UH, HOW DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU DO? DARLING, THERE YOU ARE.
YES, YES, HERE I AM, YES.
OH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE? YES, YES, YES, THIS IS THE WIFE.
YES.
UM DARLING, THESE THESE ARE THE GITS.
WHAT? THE GITS.
OH, HEAVEN'S SAKES, WE ARE BEING FORMAL.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE SURNAMES? OH, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.
UM, NO, THIS THIS IS MY WIFE, NORAH.
UH NORAH JANE, NORAH JANE STOKES.
THIS IS SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
AND THIS IS HIS WIFE DREARY FA BORING OLD GIT.
I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR HUSBAND WHAT AN AWFUL BORE IT IS HAVING A SURNAME LIKE GIT.
OH! OH, WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW THE KIDS GET TAUNTED.
WHY, ONLY LAST WEEK DIRTY LYING LITTLE TWO-FACED CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, SOBBING HIS EYES OU AND OUR YOUNGEST, GHASTLY SPOTTY HORRIBLE VICIOUS LITTLE IS JUST AT THE AGE WHEN TAUNTS LIKE "SHE'S A GIT" REALLY HURT.
YES.
DO DO YOU LIVE ROUND HERE? YES, WE LIVE UP THE ROAD, NUMBER 49 YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
WE'VE JUST HAD THE OUTSIDE PAINTED WITH WARM PUS.
IT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.
GOES NICELY WITH THE VOMIT AND CATARRH WE'VE HAD SMEARED OVER THE FRONT DOOR.
I THINK WE OUGH TO BE GOING.
WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO COLLECT.
OH, WELL, BRING THEM ROUND FOR TEA TOMORROW.
IT'S GHASTLY SPOTTY CROSS-EYED'S BIRTHDAY AND SHE'S HAVING A DISEMBOWELING PARTY FOR A FEW FRIENDS.
THE NAUSEAS WILL BE THERE, AND DOUG AND JANICE MUCUS AND THE RECTUMS FROM SWANAGE.
AH, JOHN ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN, THIS IS MR.
WATSON.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY CROSS YOUR FACE JUST THEN BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY I PREFERRED THE DIRTY VERSION.
WELL, I'VE BEEN A HUNTER ALL MY LIFE.
I LOVE ANIMALS.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO KILL 'EM.
I WOULDN'T KILL AN ANIMAL I DIDN'T LIKE.
GOOD DAY, ROY.
HANK AND ROY SPIM ARE TOUGH, FEARLESS BACKWOODSMEN WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE IN A VIOLENT, UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE'S CREATURES WHERE ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE.
TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES.
THE MOSQUITO'S A CLEVER LITTLE BASTARD.
YOU CAN TRACK HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE A FRIEND.
HE KNOWS YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU KNOW HE'S THERE.
IT'S A GAME OF WITS.
YOU HATE HIM, THEN YOU RESPECT HIM THEN YOU KILL HIM.
SUDDENLY, HANK SPOTS THE MOSQUITO THEY'RE AFTER.
NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY MUST RELY ON THE SKILLS THEY HAVE LEARN FROM A LIFETIME'S HUNTING.
HANK GAUGES THE WIND.
ROY EXAMINES THE MOSQUITO'S SPOOR.
THEN IT'S A SUCCESS.
THE MOSQUITO NOW IS DEAD.
BUT ROY MUST MAKE SURE.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE DANGEROUS THAN A WOUNDED MOSQUITO.
BUT THE HUNT IS NOT OVER.
WITH WELL-PRACTICED SKILL, HANK SKINS THE MOSQUITO.
THE WINGS OF A FULLY GROWN MALE MOSQUITO CAN FETCH ANYTHING UP TO.
8 OF A PENNY ON THE OPEN MARKET.
THE LONG DAY IS OVER AND IT'S BACK TO BASE CAMP FOR A NIGHT'S REST.
HERE, SURROUNDED BY THEIR TROPHIES ROY AND HANK PREPARE FOR A MUCH TOUGHER ORDEAL A MOTH HUNT.
WELL, I FOLLOW THE MOTH IN THE HELICOPTER TO LURE IT AWAY FROM THE FLOWERS AND THEN ROY COMES ALONG IN THE LOCKHEED STAR FIGHTER AND ATTACKS I WITH AIR-TO-AIR MISSILES.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED US WHY WE DON' USE FLY SPRAY.
WELL, WHERE'S THE SPORT IN THAT? FOR ROY, SPORT IS EVERYTHING.
EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS LEFT ARM BATTLING WITH AN AN ROY HAS RISKED HIS LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF TINY CREATURES.
BUT IT'S NOT ALL WORK, AND FOR RELAXATION THEY LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DAY'S FISHING.
WHEREVER THERE IS A CHALLENGE, HANK AND ROY SPIM WILL BE THERE READY TO CARRY ON THE PRIMORDIAL STRUGGLE BETWEEN MAN AND INOFFENSIVE, TINY INSECTS.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A MORNING IN THE HIGH COURT.
I COULD STAMP MY LITTLE FEE THE WAY THOSE Q.
C.
S CARRY ON.
DON'T I KNOW IT, LOVE.
OBJECTION HERE, OBJECTION THERE.
AND THA NICE POLICEMAN GIVING HIS EVIDENCE SO WELL BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICE.
WELL, AFTER A BI ALL I COULD DO WAS BANG MY LITTLE GAVEL.
YOU WHAT, LOVE? I BANGED ME GAVEL.
I DID ME "SILENCE IN COURT" BIT.
OH! IF LOOKS COULD KILL THAT PROSECUTING COUNSEL WOULD BE IN FOR 30 YEARS.
HOW DID YOUR SUMMING UP GO? I WAS PLEASED, ACTUALLY.
I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A BUTCH VOICE: "WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND" AND THEY LOVED IT.
I COULD SEE THAT FOREMAN EYEING ME.
REALLY? YES, CHEEKY DEVIL.
WAS HE THAT TALL MAN WITH? NO, JUST A MINUTE, I MUST FINISH.
ANYWAY, I FINISHED UP WITH: "THE ACTIONS OF THESE VICIOUS MEN "IS A VIOLENT STAIN ON THE COMMUNITY "AND THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW "IS SCARCELY SUFFICIEN TO DEAL WITH THEIR GHASTLY CRIMES.
" AND I WAGGLED MY WIG.
JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY BUT IT WAS A STUNNING EFFECT.
OH, I BET IT WAS LIKE THAT SUPER TIME I WORE THAT STRIPED ROBE IN THE MAGISTRATES COURT.
OH, AYE.
HELLO, MRS.
THING.
HELLO, MRS.
ENTITY.
HOW ARE YOU, THEN? OH, I HAVE HAD A MORNING.
BUSY? BUSY? HUH! I GOT UP AT 5:00 I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA I LOOKED OU OF THE WINDOW.
WELL, BY THEN I WAS SO WORN OU I HAD TO COME AND HAVE A SIT-DOWN.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
OH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING? NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.
FUNNY.
I'M WORN OUT.
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR SIX HOURS.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT, THEN? NOTHING.
NOTHING AT ALL.
A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
WICKED, ISN'T IT? WICKED, IT'LL BE WORSE WHEN WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET.
THAT NICE MR.
HEATH WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.
IT'S FUNNY HE NEVER MARRIED.
HE'S A BACHELOR.
OOH! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT.
OH, DEAR ME ALL THIS CHATTING AWAY WEARS ME OUT.
YES.
I BE MRS.
REGINALD MAUDLING DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS DRUDGERY GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING MAKING A CUP OF TEA LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, CHATTING AWAY.
NO! IT'D ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
YES, SHE'D HAVE THE WHOLE DAY FREE FOR PLAYING SNOOKER.
SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE DRUDGERY OF PLAYING SNOOKER DAY IN, DAY OUT.
NO, IT WOULD ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A CUE.
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BILLIARD ROOM IS.
NO STILL, IT'S NO AS BAD AS THE OLD DAYS.
MRS.
STANLEY BALDWIN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING AND GO OU AND CATCH PARTRIDGES WITH HER BARE HANDS.
YES, AND MRS.
WILLIAM PITT THE ELDER USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:00 AND GO BURROWING FOR TRUFFLES WITH THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
MRS.
BEETHOVEN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT MIDNIGH TO SPUR ON THE MYNAH BIRD.
LAZY CREATURES, MYNAH BIRDS.
YES.
WHEN BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF THE MYNAH BIRD JUS USED TO MIME.
OOH! WHAT'S HAPPENING? IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ONLY A FLASHBACK.
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, YOU STUPID MYNAH BIRD.
I'M NOT DEAF YET.
JUST YOU WAIT.
OH! BUGGER.
SHUT UP! RIGHT IN THE WING.
SHUT YOUR BEAK! GOTT IN HIMMEL, I NEVER GET ANY PEACE HERE.
LUDWIG! WHAT?! HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUGAR BOWL?! NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLOODY SUGAR BOWL! YOU KNOW, THE SUGAR BOWL! SOD THE SUGAR BOWL! I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS STINKING TUNE! IT'S DRIVING ME SPARE! SO SHUT UP! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LUDWIG, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JAM SPOON?! STUFF THE JAM SPOON! IT WAS IN THE SUGAR BOWL! LOOK, GET OUT, YOU OLD RAT-BAG! BUZZ OFF AND SHUT UP! I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU SEE IN THAT PIANO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT! DO YOU WAN PEANUT BUTTER OR SANDWICH SPREAD FOR YOUR TEA? WHAT?! PEANUT BUTTER! I'VE FORGOTTEN IT! I HAD IT! I HAD IT! DO YOU WAN PEANUT BUTTER OR SANDWICH SPREAD?! I DON'T CARE! OOH! I DON'T KNOW.
I HAD IT.
I HAD IT, YOU OLD BAG.
MEIN LIEBER GOTT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S THAT?! IT'S THE PLUMBER! GOTT IN HIMMEL, I'M GOING OUT! WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING OU DON'T FORGET WE'VE GOT THE MENDELSSOHNS COMING FOR TEA SO DON'T FORGE TO ORDER SOME PIKELETS! PIKELETS! PIKELETS! SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD THIS TROUBLE.
DO YOU WANT TO BET? INCIDENTALLY, IT'S YOU'RE RIGHT! INCIDENTALLY, WHY NOT CALL HIM HAMLET? HAMLET! I LIKE, MUCH BETTER THAN DAVID.
MICHELANGELO, YOU CAN USE DAVID.
I WON'T SUE.
THANKS, BUT I'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA.
MICHELANGELO! YES, DEAR! I'VE HAD ANOTHER SON.
OH, MY LIFE.
COMPOSER? I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY SON.
HE'S A SENSITIVE BOY, ALREADY.
I'D RATHER HE WAS A SEWAGE ATTENDANT OR A RAT CATCHER.
AHA! RATS AT 42A KARTOFFELNSTRASSE.
HEY, MITZI! I'VE GOT TO GO TO POTATO STREET.
PUT YOUR GALOSHES ON.
DEPRESSED BY RATS? DO MICE GET YOU DOWN? THEN WHY NOT VISI COLIN MOZART'S RODENT EXTERMINATING BOUTIQUE? RATS EXTIRPATED, MICE PUNISHED VOLES TORN APAR BY COLIN MOZAR MUNICH'S LEADING FURRY ANIMAL LIQUIDATOR.
YES? COLIN MOZART.
OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.
WE'RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME WITH THEM BLEEDING RATS.
I THINK THEY LIVE IN HIS STUPID PIANO ALREADY.
GET OU THE BLOODY PIANO YOU STUPID, FURRY, BUCKTOOTHED GITS! GET OUT! GOTT IN HIMMEL! GET YOUR STINKING TAIL OUT OF MY FACE.
SHUT UP! SO ANYWAY, BEETHOVEN WAS RATHER GLAD WHEN HE WENT DEAF.
WELL, I WAS EVER SO GLAD THEY ABOLISHED HANGING, YOU KNOW BECAUSE THAT BLACK CAP JUST DIDN'T SUIT ME.
YES, DO YOU REMEMBER THE GLASGOW TREASON TRIAL? OH, YES, I WORE A BODY STOCKING ALL THROUGH IT.
NO, HEN, A THE PARTY AFTERWARDS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE WALKING OU WITH THAT VERY BUTCH CLERK OF THE COURT.
THAT'S RIGHT HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE.
SPECIALLY IN THAT ARSON CASE.
WHAT WAS THE VERDICT? THEY PREFERRED THE BROWN WIG.
I LOVE THE SCOTTISH ASSIZES.
I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN BY A REALLY WELL HUNG JURY.
OH! GET BACK IN THE WITNESS BOX.
YOU'RE TOO SHARP TO LIVE.
I'LL SMACK YOUR LITTLE BOTTY! HAVE YOU TRIED THA NEW BODY RUB J.
P.
S USE? I HAD A MAGISTRATE IN BRADFORD YESTERDAY.
FUNNILY ENOUGH I FELT LIKE ONE IN A LUNCHTIME RECESS TODAY.
BUT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE ARE THOSE VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCERS ON THE BBC YOU KNOW, AFTER THE PROGRAMS ARE OVER.
OH, AYE COURSE, THEY'RE BENT AS SAFETY PINS.
I KNOW, BUT THEY'VE GO BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICES: "AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION.
" "HERE ARE TONIGHT'S FOOTBALL RESULTS.
" MMM
TO KICK OFF WITH, THERE'S VARIETY.
PETER WESTAND BRIAN JOHNSON STAR IN RAIN STOPPED PLAY A WACKY NEW COMEDY SERIES ABOUT THE GAY EXPLOITS OF TWO TELEVISION CRICKET COMMENTATORS WITH E.
W.
SWANTON AS AGGIE, THE KOOKY SCOTS MAID.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE VARIETY, THERE'S VARIETY WITH BRIAN CLOSE AT THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
THE CLASSICS SERIES RETURN TO BBC 2 WITH 26 EPISODES OF JOHN GALSWORTHY'S "SNOOKER MY WA Y" WITH NYREE DAWN PORTER REPEATING HER TRIUMPH AS JOE DA VIS.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
COMEDY IS NOT FORGOTTEN, WITH JIM LAKER IN 13 WEEKS OF OFFSPIN BOWLING.
JIM PLAYS THE ZANY BACHELOR BOWLER IN A NEW SERIES, OWZA WITH ANNELEY DRUMMOND-HA YE, ON MR.
SOFTEE, AS HIS WIFE.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
PANORAMA WILL BE RETURNING INTRODUCED AS USUAL BY TONY JACKLIN AND LULU WILL BE TACKLING THE OLD MAN OF HOY.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PREFER DRAMA, THERE'S SPORT.
ON SHOW OF THE WEEK, KENNETH WOSTENHOLME SINGS.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TELEVISION THERE'S DAVID COLEMAN.
AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.
BUT NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SPORT.
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
GO ON.
BLIMEY! LOOK WHAT WE FOUND! WHAT AN AMAZING FIND.
IT REALLY IS FANTASTIC.
IT'S THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND OF THE CENTURY.
IT IS, INDEED, INDEED, INDEED.
GENTLEMEN, FROM THIS SINGLE PAR AND MONTHS OF PAINSTAKING RESEARCH WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCURATELY RECONSTRUCT THIS ENTIRE BEAST.
HELLO.
ON ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY TONIGH I HAVE WITH ME PROFESSOR LUCIEN KASTNER OF OSLO UNIVERSITY.
GOOD EVENING.
HOW TALL ARE YOU, PROFESSOR? I BEG YOUR PARDON? HOW TALL ARE YOU? I'M ABOU FIVE FOOT TEN.
AND AN EXPER IN EGYPTIAN TOMB PAINTINGS SIR ROBERT ARE YOU REALLY FIVE FOOT TEN? YES.
FUNNY, YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER THAN THAT TO ME.
ARE YOU SLUMPED FORWARD IN YOUR CHAIR AT ALL? UH, NO, I, I EXTRAORDINARY.
SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY WHO'S JUST RETURNED FROM THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA AND WHO MUST BE WELL OVER SIX FOOT.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR ROBERT? YES.
IN FACT, I THINK YOU'RE SIX FOOT FIVE, AREN'T YOU? UH, YES.
OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A TOTALLY DIFFEREN KIND OF SPECIMEN TO PROFESSOR KASTNER.
STRAIGH IN YOUR SEA ERECT, FIRM YES.
I THOUGH WE WERE HERE TO DISCUSS ARCHAEOLOGY.
YES, YES, OF COURSE WE ARE.
YES, ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! THAT'S POSITIVE THINKING FOR YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID A THING LIKE THAT, WOULD YOU YOU FIVE-FOOT-TEN-INCH WEED? SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY WHO'S VERY INTERESTING WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED IN THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA? WELL, BASICALLY, WE HAVE FOUND A COMPLEX OF TOMBS VERY GOOD SPEAKING VOICE.
WHICH PRESEN DRAMATIC EVIDENCE OF POLYNESIAN INFLUENCE IN EGYP IN THE THIRD DYNASTY WHICH IS QUITE REMARKABLE.
HOW TALL WERE THE POLYNESIANS? THEY WERE SHH! WELL, THEY WERE RATHER SMALL, SEAFARING SHORT MEN, WERE THEY ALL SQUAT AND BENT UP? WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
WHO WERE THE TALL PEOPLE? I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S THAT VERY TALL TRIBE IN AFRICA? WELL, THIS IS HARDLY ARCHAEOLOGY.
THE WATUTSI, THAT'S IT, THE WATUTSI! OH, THAT'S THE TRIBE.
SOME OF THEM WERE EIGHT FOOT TALL.
OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? EIGHT FOOT OF WATUTSI.
NOT ONE ON ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS, OH, NO! EIGHT FOOT OF SOLID WATUTSI! THAT'S WHAT I CALL TALL.
YES, BUT IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ARCHAEOLOGY.
OH, TO HELL WITH ARCHAEOLOGY! MAY I PLEASE SPEAK? I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OSLO TO DO THIS PROGRAM.
I'M A PROFESSOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY! I'M AN EXPERT IN ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TEN.
ALL RIGHT, MY POSTURE IS BAD ALL RIGHT, I SLUMP IN MY CHAIR.
BUT I'VE HAD MORE WOMEN THAN EITHER OF YOU TWO! I'VE HAD HALF OF BLOODY NORWAY THAT'S WHAT I'VE HAD! SO, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBERT EVERSLEY! AND KEEP YOUR BLOODY WATUTSI! I'D RATHER HAVE MY LITTLE BODY! MY LITTLE, FIVE-FOOT- TEN-INCH BODY.
BLOODY FOOL, LOOK WHA YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.
DON' "BLOODY FOOL" ME.
I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I'M SIX FOOT FIVE AND I EAT PUNKS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, EVERSLEY! I'LL GET YOU IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH! THE DIG WAS GOING WELL THAT YEAR.
WE'D DISCOVERED SOME HITTITE BAKING DISHES FROM THE FIFTH DYNASTY.
AND SIR ROBERT WAS HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER SEEN HIM.
WHY! A SUMERIAN DRINKING VESSEL OF THE FOURTH DYNASTY.
CATALOGUE THIS POT, DANIELLE.
IT'S FOURTH DYNASTY.
OH! IS IT? YES, IT'S SUMERIAN.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL! OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
I'M HAPPY, TOO.
NOW AT LAST WE KNOW THERE WAS A SUMERIAN INFLUENCE HERE IN ABU SIMNEL IN THE EARLY PRE-DYNASTIC PERIOD 2,000 YEARS BEFORE THE REIGN OF TUTANKHAMEN.
ALL RIGHT, EVERSLEY, GET UP OUT OF THAT TRENCH.
DON'T FORGET I'M SIX FOOT FIVE.
THAT DOESN'T WORRY ME.
KASTNER! HERE, LORD.
UP! ELEVEN FOOT THREE? I'M SO TALL! I AM SO TALL! DANIELLE.
ELEVEN FOOT SIX.
DAMN YOU! ABDUL! FIFTEEN FOOT FOUR! MUSTAPHA! NINETEEN FOOT THREE! DAMN YOU! UH, AND THERE WE END THIS EDITION OF ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY.
NEXT WEEK, THE SILBURY DIG BY COLE PORTER WITH PEARL BAILEY AND ARTHUR NEGUS.
AND NOWAN APPEAL FOR SANITY FROM THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY TODAY WHO, THROUGH NO FAUL OF THEIR OWN, ARE SANE.
SOME OF THEM WERE BORN SANE.
SOME OF THEM BECAME SANE LATER IN THEIR LIVES.
IT IS UP TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME WHO ARE OUT OF OUR TINY LITTLE MINDS TO TRY AND HELP THESE PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR SANITY.
YOU CAN START IN SMALL WAYS WITH PING-PONG BALL EYES AND A FUNNY VOICE AND THEN YOU CAN PAIN HALF OF YOUR BODY RED AND THE OTHER HALF GREEN AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN IN A BOWL OF TREACLE GOING AND THEN YOU CAN GO, "NEURH, NEURH, NEURH!" AND THEN YOU CAN ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING.
" THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING IS VICAR OF ST.
LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM.
AND NOW GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS LEAPY LEE.
NO, SORRY THAT'S THE NAME OF ME FAVORITE SINGER.
MY NAME IS MRS.
FRED STOLLE.
NO, NO, MRS.
FRED STOLLE IS THE WIFE OF ME FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER.
MY NAME IS BANANAS.
NO, NO, THAT'S ME FAVORITE FRUIT.
I'M MRS.
A-NICE-EVENING- OUT-TO-THE-PICTURES- THEN-PERHAPS-A-DANCE-AT-A-CLUB- THEN-BACK-TO-HIS-PLACE- FOR-A-QUICK-CUP-OF-COFFEE- AND-A-LITTLE-BIT-OF NO, NO, SORRY.
THAT'S ME FAVORITE WAY OF SPENDING A NIGHT OUT.
PERHAPS I AM LEAPY LEE.
YES! I MUST BE LEAPY LEE! HELLO, FANS.
LEAPY LEE HERE.
HELLO? EVIDENTLY I'M NOT LEAPY LEE.
I THOUGH I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE.
THANK YOU, I'LL TELL THEM.
HELLO, DENIS COMPTON HERE.
NO, NO.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT NUMBER? I'M MAO ZEDONG.
I'M P.
P.
ARNOLD.
I'M MARGARET THATCHER.
I'M SIR GERALD NABARRO.
HELLO? SIR LEN HUTTON HERE.
COULD YOU TELL ME, PLEASE OH, AM I? OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M MRS.
WHAT-NUMBER-ARE- YOU-DIALING-PLEASE? GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
ARE YOU THE REGISTRAR? I HAVE THAT FUNCTION.
WELL, I WAS HERE ON SATURDAY GETTING MARRIED TO A BLOND GIRL AND I'D LIKE TO CHANGE, PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE THIS ONE INSTEAD, PLEASE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, THE OTHER ONE WASN'T ANY GOOD SO I'D LIKE TO SWAP I FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE.
I HAVE PAID; I PAID ON SATURDAY.
HERE'S THE TICKET.
AH, NO, THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.
YES, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE WRONG ONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE THE COLOR.
THIS IS THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE.
SO, IF YOU COULD JUS CHANGE THE FORMS ROUND I CAN TAKE THIS ONE BACK WITH ME NOW.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, MAKE IT SIMPLE, I'LL PAY AGAIN.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
LOOK, ALL I WAN YOU TO DO IS CHANGE THE WIFE SAY THE WORDS, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" BACK TO MY PLACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE.
YOU CAN AT HARRODS.
YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN; I CHANGED MY RECORD PLAYER AND THERE WASN'T A GRUMBLE.
IT'S DIFFERENT.
AND I CHANGED MY PET SNAKE.
AND I CHANGED MY ROBIN DAY TIE.
WELL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A BLOODY WIFE! OH, ALL RIGHT! WELL, CAN I BORROW ONE FOR THE WEEKEND? NO! OH, BLIMEY! I ONLY WANTED A JOLLY GOOD ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER, THEN? ALL RIGHT.
NAME? COOK.
NEXT, PLEASE.
NAME? UH, WATSON.
MR.
WATSON.
UH, NO DOCTOR.
AH, MR.
DOCTOR.
NO, NOT MISTER DOCTOR.
OH.
DR.
DOCTOR.
NO.
DR.
WATSON.
DR.
WATSON DOCTOR.
OH, JUST CALL ME DARLING.
HELLO, MR.
DARLING.
NO DOCTOR! HELLO, DOCTOR DARLING.
BUT AT WEMBLEY, PLAY HAD RESUMED.
MEANWHILE, NEARBY THE DAY WAS JUST BEGINNING FOR MUGSY SPANIEL A CONVICTED GANGSTER AND WELL-KNOWN SWELL GUY.
BREAKFAST, DEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUGSY.
EN JOY THE EGGS.
YES, INDEED, THIS WAS THE WORK OF NONE OTHER THAN EGGS DIAMOND LEADER OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICKEN GANG.
DIMSDALE.
WITH THE CHICKEN GANG OFF THE BLOTTER A MAN'S LIFE WASN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS PRINTED ON.
ALREADY THERE HAVE BEEN MURDERS COMMITTED HERE AND HERE AND THE LATEST ONE RIGHT HERE.
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
THE POWERFUL FORCES EGGS HAD LOOSED ON THE CITY WERE TO BE HIS UNDOING.
RETURN WITH US NOW TO THE HIDEOUT.
THESE AND OTHER FASCINATING LIES ARE YOURS FOR THE READING IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY BOUND VOLUME.
BUY IT NOW, SUCKERS.
THIS IS AN IDEAL GIFT A MUST FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE WHO LONG TO SOUND CLEVER AT YOUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY.
AH, JOHN ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN STOKES THIS IS A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY CROSS YOUR FACE FOR A MOMENT JUST THEN.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY, I'M USED TO IT.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE OF HAVING A SURNAME LIKE "GIT.
" OH YES, YES.
WE THOUGHT ABOU CHANGING IT BY DEED-POLL TO WATSON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED WATSON'S JUST AS BAD, EH? YES, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
OH, THAT'S MY WIFE.
DARLING, COME AND MEE MR WHAT WAS IT? STOKES, JOHN STOKES.
OH, YES.
JOHN STOKES, THIS IS MY WIFE DREARY FA BORING OLD.
OH, UH, HOW DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU DO? DARLING, THERE YOU ARE.
YES, YES, HERE I AM, YES.
OH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE? YES, YES, YES, THIS IS THE WIFE.
YES.
UM DARLING, THESE THESE ARE THE GITS.
WHAT? THE GITS.
OH, HEAVEN'S SAKES, WE ARE BEING FORMAL.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE SURNAMES? OH, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.
UM, NO, THIS THIS IS MY WIFE, NORAH.
UH NORAH JANE, NORAH JANE STOKES.
THIS IS SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.
AND THIS IS HIS WIFE DREARY FA BORING OLD GIT.
I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR HUSBAND WHAT AN AWFUL BORE IT IS HAVING A SURNAME LIKE GIT.
OH! OH, WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW THE KIDS GET TAUNTED.
WHY, ONLY LAST WEEK DIRTY LYING LITTLE TWO-FACED CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, SOBBING HIS EYES OU AND OUR YOUNGEST, GHASTLY SPOTTY HORRIBLE VICIOUS LITTLE IS JUST AT THE AGE WHEN TAUNTS LIKE "SHE'S A GIT" REALLY HURT.
YES.
DO DO YOU LIVE ROUND HERE? YES, WE LIVE UP THE ROAD, NUMBER 49 YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
WE'VE JUST HAD THE OUTSIDE PAINTED WITH WARM PUS.
IT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.
GOES NICELY WITH THE VOMIT AND CATARRH WE'VE HAD SMEARED OVER THE FRONT DOOR.
I THINK WE OUGH TO BE GOING.
WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO COLLECT.
OH, WELL, BRING THEM ROUND FOR TEA TOMORROW.
IT'S GHASTLY SPOTTY CROSS-EYED'S BIRTHDAY AND SHE'S HAVING A DISEMBOWELING PARTY FOR A FEW FRIENDS.
THE NAUSEAS WILL BE THERE, AND DOUG AND JANICE MUCUS AND THE RECTUMS FROM SWANAGE.
AH, JOHN ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.
JOHN, THIS IS MR.
WATSON.
HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY CROSS YOUR FACE JUST THEN BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY I PREFERRED THE DIRTY VERSION.
WELL, I'VE BEEN A HUNTER ALL MY LIFE.
I LOVE ANIMALS.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO KILL 'EM.
I WOULDN'T KILL AN ANIMAL I DIDN'T LIKE.
GOOD DAY, ROY.
HANK AND ROY SPIM ARE TOUGH, FEARLESS BACKWOODSMEN WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE IN A VIOLENT, UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE'S CREATURES WHERE ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE.
TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES.
THE MOSQUITO'S A CLEVER LITTLE BASTARD.
YOU CAN TRACK HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE A FRIEND.
HE KNOWS YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU KNOW HE'S THERE.
IT'S A GAME OF WITS.
YOU HATE HIM, THEN YOU RESPECT HIM THEN YOU KILL HIM.
SUDDENLY, HANK SPOTS THE MOSQUITO THEY'RE AFTER.
NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY MUST RELY ON THE SKILLS THEY HAVE LEARN FROM A LIFETIME'S HUNTING.
HANK GAUGES THE WIND.
ROY EXAMINES THE MOSQUITO'S SPOOR.
THEN IT'S A SUCCESS.
THE MOSQUITO NOW IS DEAD.
BUT ROY MUST MAKE SURE.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE DANGEROUS THAN A WOUNDED MOSQUITO.
BUT THE HUNT IS NOT OVER.
WITH WELL-PRACTICED SKILL, HANK SKINS THE MOSQUITO.
THE WINGS OF A FULLY GROWN MALE MOSQUITO CAN FETCH ANYTHING UP TO.
8 OF A PENNY ON THE OPEN MARKET.
THE LONG DAY IS OVER AND IT'S BACK TO BASE CAMP FOR A NIGHT'S REST.
HERE, SURROUNDED BY THEIR TROPHIES ROY AND HANK PREPARE FOR A MUCH TOUGHER ORDEAL A MOTH HUNT.
WELL, I FOLLOW THE MOTH IN THE HELICOPTER TO LURE IT AWAY FROM THE FLOWERS AND THEN ROY COMES ALONG IN THE LOCKHEED STAR FIGHTER AND ATTACKS I WITH AIR-TO-AIR MISSILES.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED US WHY WE DON' USE FLY SPRAY.
WELL, WHERE'S THE SPORT IN THAT? FOR ROY, SPORT IS EVERYTHING.
EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS LEFT ARM BATTLING WITH AN AN ROY HAS RISKED HIS LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF TINY CREATURES.
BUT IT'S NOT ALL WORK, AND FOR RELAXATION THEY LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DAY'S FISHING.
WHEREVER THERE IS A CHALLENGE, HANK AND ROY SPIM WILL BE THERE READY TO CARRY ON THE PRIMORDIAL STRUGGLE BETWEEN MAN AND INOFFENSIVE, TINY INSECTS.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A MORNING IN THE HIGH COURT.
I COULD STAMP MY LITTLE FEE THE WAY THOSE Q.
C.
S CARRY ON.
DON'T I KNOW IT, LOVE.
OBJECTION HERE, OBJECTION THERE.
AND THA NICE POLICEMAN GIVING HIS EVIDENCE SO WELL BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICE.
WELL, AFTER A BI ALL I COULD DO WAS BANG MY LITTLE GAVEL.
YOU WHAT, LOVE? I BANGED ME GAVEL.
I DID ME "SILENCE IN COURT" BIT.
OH! IF LOOKS COULD KILL THAT PROSECUTING COUNSEL WOULD BE IN FOR 30 YEARS.
HOW DID YOUR SUMMING UP GO? I WAS PLEASED, ACTUALLY.
I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A BUTCH VOICE: "WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND" AND THEY LOVED IT.
I COULD SEE THAT FOREMAN EYEING ME.
REALLY? YES, CHEEKY DEVIL.
WAS HE THAT TALL MAN WITH? NO, JUST A MINUTE, I MUST FINISH.
ANYWAY, I FINISHED UP WITH: "THE ACTIONS OF THESE VICIOUS MEN "IS A VIOLENT STAIN ON THE COMMUNITY "AND THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW "IS SCARCELY SUFFICIEN TO DEAL WITH THEIR GHASTLY CRIMES.
" AND I WAGGLED MY WIG.
JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY BUT IT WAS A STUNNING EFFECT.
OH, I BET IT WAS LIKE THAT SUPER TIME I WORE THAT STRIPED ROBE IN THE MAGISTRATES COURT.
OH, AYE.
HELLO, MRS.
THING.
HELLO, MRS.
ENTITY.
HOW ARE YOU, THEN? OH, I HAVE HAD A MORNING.
BUSY? BUSY? HUH! I GOT UP AT 5:00 I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA I LOOKED OU OF THE WINDOW.
WELL, BY THEN I WAS SO WORN OU I HAD TO COME AND HAVE A SIT-DOWN.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
OH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING? NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.
FUNNY.
I'M WORN OUT.
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR SIX HOURS.
WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT, THEN? NOTHING.
NOTHING AT ALL.
A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
WICKED, ISN'T IT? WICKED, IT'LL BE WORSE WHEN WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET.
THAT NICE MR.
HEATH WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.
IT'S FUNNY HE NEVER MARRIED.
HE'S A BACHELOR.
OOH! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT.
OH, DEAR ME ALL THIS CHATTING AWAY WEARS ME OUT.
YES.
I BE MRS.
REGINALD MAUDLING DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS DRUDGERY GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING MAKING A CUP OF TEA LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, CHATTING AWAY.
NO! IT'D ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
YES, SHE'D HAVE THE WHOLE DAY FREE FOR PLAYING SNOOKER.
SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE DRUDGERY OF PLAYING SNOOKER DAY IN, DAY OUT.
NO, IT WOULD ALL BE DONE FOR HER.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A CUE.
SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BILLIARD ROOM IS.
NO STILL, IT'S NO AS BAD AS THE OLD DAYS.
MRS.
STANLEY BALDWIN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING AND GO OU AND CATCH PARTRIDGES WITH HER BARE HANDS.
YES, AND MRS.
WILLIAM PITT THE ELDER USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:00 AND GO BURROWING FOR TRUFFLES WITH THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
MRS.
BEETHOVEN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT MIDNIGH TO SPUR ON THE MYNAH BIRD.
LAZY CREATURES, MYNAH BIRDS.
YES.
WHEN BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF THE MYNAH BIRD JUS USED TO MIME.
OOH! WHAT'S HAPPENING? IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ONLY A FLASHBACK.
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, YOU STUPID MYNAH BIRD.
I'M NOT DEAF YET.
JUST YOU WAIT.
OH! BUGGER.
SHUT UP! RIGHT IN THE WING.
SHUT YOUR BEAK! GOTT IN HIMMEL, I NEVER GET ANY PEACE HERE.
LUDWIG! WHAT?! HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUGAR BOWL?! NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLOODY SUGAR BOWL! YOU KNOW, THE SUGAR BOWL! SOD THE SUGAR BOWL! I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS STINKING TUNE! IT'S DRIVING ME SPARE! SO SHUT UP! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LUDWIG, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JAM SPOON?! STUFF THE JAM SPOON! IT WAS IN THE SUGAR BOWL! LOOK, GET OUT, YOU OLD RAT-BAG! BUZZ OFF AND SHUT UP! I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU SEE IN THAT PIANO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT! DO YOU WAN PEANUT BUTTER OR SANDWICH SPREAD FOR YOUR TEA? WHAT?! PEANUT BUTTER! I'VE FORGOTTEN IT! I HAD IT! I HAD IT! DO YOU WAN PEANUT BUTTER OR SANDWICH SPREAD?! I DON'T CARE! OOH! I DON'T KNOW.
I HAD IT.
I HAD IT, YOU OLD BAG.
MEIN LIEBER GOTT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S THAT?! IT'S THE PLUMBER! GOTT IN HIMMEL, I'M GOING OUT! WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING OU DON'T FORGET WE'VE GOT THE MENDELSSOHNS COMING FOR TEA SO DON'T FORGE TO ORDER SOME PIKELETS! PIKELETS! PIKELETS! SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD THIS TROUBLE.
DO YOU WANT TO BET? INCIDENTALLY, IT'S YOU'RE RIGHT! INCIDENTALLY, WHY NOT CALL HIM HAMLET? HAMLET! I LIKE, MUCH BETTER THAN DAVID.
MICHELANGELO, YOU CAN USE DAVID.
I WON'T SUE.
THANKS, BUT I'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA.
MICHELANGELO! YES, DEAR! I'VE HAD ANOTHER SON.
OH, MY LIFE.
COMPOSER? I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY SON.
HE'S A SENSITIVE BOY, ALREADY.
I'D RATHER HE WAS A SEWAGE ATTENDANT OR A RAT CATCHER.
AHA! RATS AT 42A KARTOFFELNSTRASSE.
HEY, MITZI! I'VE GOT TO GO TO POTATO STREET.
PUT YOUR GALOSHES ON.
DEPRESSED BY RATS? DO MICE GET YOU DOWN? THEN WHY NOT VISI COLIN MOZART'S RODENT EXTERMINATING BOUTIQUE? RATS EXTIRPATED, MICE PUNISHED VOLES TORN APAR BY COLIN MOZAR MUNICH'S LEADING FURRY ANIMAL LIQUIDATOR.
YES? COLIN MOZART.
OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.
WE'RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME WITH THEM BLEEDING RATS.
I THINK THEY LIVE IN HIS STUPID PIANO ALREADY.
GET OU THE BLOODY PIANO YOU STUPID, FURRY, BUCKTOOTHED GITS! GET OUT! GOTT IN HIMMEL! GET YOUR STINKING TAIL OUT OF MY FACE.
SHUT UP! SO ANYWAY, BEETHOVEN WAS RATHER GLAD WHEN HE WENT DEAF.
WELL, I WAS EVER SO GLAD THEY ABOLISHED HANGING, YOU KNOW BECAUSE THAT BLACK CAP JUST DIDN'T SUIT ME.
YES, DO YOU REMEMBER THE GLASGOW TREASON TRIAL? OH, YES, I WORE A BODY STOCKING ALL THROUGH IT.
NO, HEN, A THE PARTY AFTERWARDS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE WALKING OU WITH THAT VERY BUTCH CLERK OF THE COURT.
THAT'S RIGHT HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE.
SPECIALLY IN THAT ARSON CASE.
WHAT WAS THE VERDICT? THEY PREFERRED THE BROWN WIG.
I LOVE THE SCOTTISH ASSIZES.
I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN BY A REALLY WELL HUNG JURY.
OH! GET BACK IN THE WITNESS BOX.
YOU'RE TOO SHARP TO LIVE.
I'LL SMACK YOUR LITTLE BOTTY! HAVE YOU TRIED THA NEW BODY RUB J.
P.
S USE? I HAD A MAGISTRATE IN BRADFORD YESTERDAY.
FUNNILY ENOUGH I FELT LIKE ONE IN A LUNCHTIME RECESS TODAY.
BUT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE ARE THOSE VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCERS ON THE BBC YOU KNOW, AFTER THE PROGRAMS ARE OVER.
OH, AYE COURSE, THEY'RE BENT AS SAFETY PINS.
I KNOW, BUT THEY'VE GO BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICES: "AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION.
" "HERE ARE TONIGHT'S FOOTBALL RESULTS.
" MMM