Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e08 Episode Script
A Morkville Horror
Nanu, nanu! ( upbeat theme playing ) ( mellow theme playing ) So, this is where you grew up? Yep, I was born and raised in this house.
Yeah, I could tell from its cute little pug chimney.
You're really interested in buying it, Mr.
Bickley? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Why is your old man trying to dump it? My father is trying to sell it, Mr.
Bickley.
Hm.
With he and Grandma on the road all year with the orchestra, it's just standing here empty.
Sounds solid.
Yep.
Does this place have indoor plumbing? Of course this place has indoor plumbing.
A smart buyer learns to ask the tough questions.
It's a terrific house.
Just look at it.
We're even fixing it up a little bit.
That wallpaper looks new.
Is it? It is.
Mm-hm.
Mork just put it up this morning.
Didn't know the boy was handy.
You know, it's funny.
Somehow, this room looks different to me.
Mork, are you here? Here I am.
Why did you wallpaper the door? Well, I didn't want to stop.
I was on a roll.
MORK: What do you think, Bick? It's worthy of a photo layout in House Bazaar.
Mr.
Bickley, I promise, by the time we're done, this house'll be as good as new, and you'll be able to enjoy it, just as much as my family did.
Bick, what do you want a house for? I yearn for digs to call my own.
Let's be honest.
An apartment is for wild young people.
But a house, on the other hand For wild old people.
La, la-la Miss McConnell, I just might be interested in this place.
Oh.
Mindy, that's wonderful.
One day on the market, already we've got a sucker.
I guess that makes you the suckee, huh? Whoa, ho, ho! We'll see about that.
How old is this house, anyway? Well, it's been in my family for about 80 years.
But it's been renovated a couple of times.
Eighty years, huh? I would imagine the original owner must have paid, oh, $2,000 or $3,000 for it.
Huh, yeah, probably.
Tell you what.
Because I know you, I might even double that.
Look, Mr.
Bickley, this house means a lot to me.
I was born here, and my mother died here.
I'm not even that sure I want to sell it.
I think I should see the other rooms, before we dicker over moola.
Listen, why don't you come back tomorrow, uh, when everything's more together, fixed up? All right, I'll meet you here tomorrow night at 7.
Call it impulse, call it serendipity, but I have a strong Nay, overpowering affinity for this joint.
That's great.
Well, I have to get home, too.
I'm making dinner for Jeanie tonight.
Mork, you stay here and clean up.
Well, all right! I'll stay here and clean up, you go home and make dinner! She likes it when I talk rough to her.
Whoa.
( mellow theme playing ) Mindy, if it bothers you that much to sell the house, why don't you take it off the market? But my dad wants to sell it.
I mean, I understand why, but, it's just It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was to refuse a complete physical exam from the chief resident at the hospital.
It was in his Corvette.
( laughs ) I'm still picking fiberglass out of my clothes.
Oh, Jeanie, why am I feeling like this? I mean, it's just a house.
Well, it was your home, Mindy.
There is a big difference between a house and a home.
Yeah, a house is bricks and wood siding, and a home is memories.
Yeah, where you lick cookies off a mixer blade.
Oh, yeah.
You did that too? Yeah.
I always had to keep my eye on Remo, so he wouldn't turn the mixer on.
( laughs ) There are a lot of memories in my house.
I'm getting a little sentimental here, right? After all, what is this? It's a business deal.
We're out to unload some real estate.
But I am putting in the deal, that no one is allowed to sleep in my bedroom.
( laughs ) Mork! Mork, what is it? ( yelling shrilly ) I think something's troubling him.
Mork, will you come out? Mork ( screams ) Mork, will you come out, and tell me what What's the matter? Oh, nothing much.
Just your house tried to attack me, that's all.
Oh, come on, Mork, now, really.
What do you mean, "Come on, really," Mindy? Mindy, I'm telling you the truth.
Well, I was at the house, and all of a sudden, I was hanging wallpaper, and the wind blew me across the room Shhh! Then it got real cold.
Then it got real hot.
And then a swarm of bees came in.
( buzzes ) Then a swarm of flies.
Zip, a-zip, zip, zip, zip zip, zip, zip! And then I ran flamboyantly, screaming to the window.
Ahh, ahh, ahhhh! And it slammed shut! Then this is the terrifying part.
I was standing there, and the furniture started attacking me! Yes! A little ottoman, and a little ottowoman too.
They were coming at me.
And the armchair couldn't keep its hands to itself.
( shrill voice ) This is the really bad part.
A strange voice came crying out "Get out of here!" By the time it said "here," I was here.
Have you been hitting the cream soda again? No, Mindy, Mindy, you gotta believe me.
You gotta believe me.
Believe you? What am I supposed to believe, that my house is haunted? Oh, either that, or I've lost my mind.
( laughs maniacally ) Maybe you better call the police and ask them to look for a little gray, squishy thing.
Mork.
Look, he could be right.
You know, there are case histories of haunted houses.
It's a normal house.
I lived there for 20 years.
Mork, tomorrow I'm going to take you over to the house in the light of day, and you can see for yourself that all those things are just a product of your overactive imagination.
Well, I have just one thing to say to that, Mindy.
What? ( Moans ) Oh! MINDY: Look, everything is fine.
See? There's nothing to worry about.
Mork, will you come in here, please? Evil spirit, begone! In the name of Joe Garagiola, Bowie Kuhn and Dick Butkus, begone! Mork, you are perfectly safe.
There's nothing to worry about.
And don't you feel a little ridiculous in that getup? Maybe I was gonna wear it anyway, huh? Now, I want you to take a look around.
Do you see any flies? Do you see any bees? No, but they were here last night.
Well, bugs get in sometimes.
Oh, yeah, big suckers like that.
Mm-hm.
How does that explain the furniture's moving? The bees were underneath buzzing? Sometimes a truck goes by, and it moves things.
You sure? I'm positive.
"How the mind can wreak havoc on one's sensibilities, thereby dulling judgment.
" Timothy Leary, 1978.
I mean, look at this place.
Everything is fine.
And even with the furniture covered like this, it still has a certain warmth.
See this chair? My mother did the needlepoint on this entire chair.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Did she crochet this stain too? And see these marks on the door? That was how tall I was, each birthday, from age 2 to 13.
We have the same thing on Ork, except they tattoo it on the back of our head.
No wonder I'm having such a hard time selling this place.
There's a little bit of me and my family in every room.
Anyone would be lucky to own a house like that.
Oh, that's so nice.
Thanks.
( ghostly voice ) Get out of here.
Did you hear that? Hope it was a truck.
Get out of heeere! Mindy, I always believe, that you must follow the advice of the spirit world.
Let's take a hike! Wait a minute.
It sounds like it's coming from that closet.
That's wonderful.
Let's talk about that over tea in Wyoming.
No! I'm not leaving.
This is my house.
Well, good luck, aim high.
Mork.
Get ooout of here.
Count to three and open the door.
Right.
1, 2, 3.
No.
( wailing shrilly ) Ahhh.
Hee, hee.
Ow W W One.
Tw Tw Tw Twooo.
T T T Three! ( gasps ) You didn't get out of here.
That's not nice.
Exidor.
What are you doing here? Vacationing.
But this is my house.
Of course.
You can't vacation in your own house.
Be kind, she's riding on empty.
( blows whistle ) Out of the water! Don't you see that fin? I hate to burst your very tiny bubble, but this is not a resort.
It's a private home, and that is a closet.
A closet? Mm-hmm.
The vacation is over, Exidor.
Over? Mm-hmm.
But I thought checkout time wasn't until 12:00.
Out.
Out? Moi? Mm-hmm.
All right, boys, let's go! This place is getting too commercial.
Steinmatz! I don't care if it's not Labor Day, your summer's over! Well, I told you there would be an explanation for all those strange things that were happening.
Well, you know something, Mindy? Sometimes you're wise beyond your dimples.
( laughs ) Thanks.
Let's take a look around, and see if there's anything else we should do before the house is sold.
Better do it quickly.
It's getting kinda chilly in here.
It is.
( ominous theme playing ) ( wind blowing ) ( gasps ) ( shrill laughter ) MORK: Let's get out of here! ( high-pitched laughter ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( squeaking ) I just don't understand it.
I mean, there's gotta be a logical explanation for what we saw.
Oh, there is.
Your house is haunted.
( laughs nervously ) You know, if I were you, I wouldn't talk about this to anybody, 'cause you could find yourself wearing a cute, white blazer with the sleeves that tie in the back.
Remo, I'm not imagining things.
We saw it, didn't we, Mork? Mork? ( screams ): Yes! Yes, it's horrid! Oh! Oh, there were ghosts in there.
Hundreds of 'em! ( sobbing ) Will you? Will you get up, please? Do you realize? Do you realize you're acting with less than total dignity? Oh.
Now, I want you to be cool.
Like Jack Nicholson.
( as Jack Nicholson ) Damn straight.
All right.
You gotta be fearless, like Charles Bronson.
( as Charles Bronson ) Kill the women and children first.
Yeah, that's a boy! ( Jean clears throat ) Well, if you ask me, you've disturbed the spirit world.
Disturbed the spirit world? How? Mindy, you're selling a house that's been in your family a very long time.
What a bag of Bandini! ( as Rod Serling ) There are things in the cosmos that must go unexplained.
Mindy, I don't want to upset you, but after Mork told us what went on in your house, well, I did a little research, and I found this old book in the library.
"Colorado Legends.
" ( normal voice ) Oh, intriguing.
Hoo, hoo! That's just bunk! ( clears throat ) You recognize this? Yeah, that looks like my house.
It is, in 1921.
But it was known then as La Follette House.
La Follette is my mother's maiden name.
Well, this book says that two sisters built this home in 1894, Lucinda and Deirdre La Follette.
Lucinda and Deirdre? They must have been my great-great-aunts or something.
Well, according to this, Lucinda was the older sister, and she wasn't so attractive.
But she was madly in love with this handsome, young silver miner named Harrison Monteith.
But he was in love with the young and beautiful Deirdre.
Then, one night, they found Harrison's body.
He'd been mysteriously poisoned, but no one could prove who did it.
After that, the sisters boarded themselves up in the house, and they were never seen again, until the day they died.
Oh, that's great.
That happened in my house? Yep.
Terrific.
It could be that Lucinda and Deirdre don't want their house sold.
Which reminds me, we are supposed to meet Mr.
Bickley at the house at 7.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You tell this story to Mr.
Bickley, and you're gonna scare the pants off of him.
No, I don't think so.
I think Mr.
Bickley will be amused by this quaint little anecdote as I was.
Well, we'll see you later.
So long.
BICKLEY: Mindy? Mindy? Mork? I'm here.
Okay.
Well, he's not here, Mindy, let's go.
Mork, you're acting like a child.
Now, will you get in here and hold my hand? Oh they're still here, Mind.
I think I'm sensitive to those people that you can see through.
Well, everything looks all right.
I wonder what ghosts do, when they're not busy scaring people.
( toilet flushes ) That's the last thing I would have dreamed of.
( footsteps ) Ahhh! I was just testing the plumbing.
Oh! Are you ready to show me the rest of the house? Oh, Bick, you don't want to see it.
Mr.
Bickley, there have been some strange things happening in this house.
What would you say if we told you that it might be haunted? I'd say you were trying to cool my interest, because you had a better offer from an Arab.
Oh, no jive, Bick.
I mean, this house should be moved to a padded neighborhood.
Hey, I don't go for all that hooey.
I want this house.
Ahh! Ahh! But not that much! ( shrill, maniacal laughter ) Oh, no! Oh, oh! Ha, ha, ha! It's boarded up! Mork, we're trapped! Oh, Mindy, something terrible is happening to me.
( both scream ) Mork! ( as Lucinda ) Mork? Who's Mork? I'm Lucinda.
Mork, will you cut it out? We gotta get outta here.
You're not gonna sell this house.
It's our home, isn't it, Deirdre? ( as Deirdre ) Whatever you say, Lucinda.
You're older, and you know more.
Mork, are you possessed? ( as Lucinda ) Possessed? Ahhh! I'm repossessed! No man's gonna ever come between us again, is it, Deirdre? ( as Deirdre ) I don't know, Lucinda.
If I wasn't so full of meshugaas, you wouldn't say that to me.
( as Lucinda ) Well, you are, and that's why I tied you up! ( knock on door ) Oh, no, another intruder.
Come on, Deirdre.
I'll teach you how to make that tea that makes 'em cough up the pancreas.
Come on in, girl.
( singing indistinctly ) Ahhhh! Oh, Exidor! Thank God somebody normal is here.
It's all beginning to make sense now.
You kicked me out, so you could vacation in there yourself.
No! You gotta help us! I don't have time.
I'm late for the hukilau.
Just came by to pick up my necessaries.
But you can't go.
Mork's in trouble.
You can't just leave.
I follow the sun! I'm off to hang 12! Oh, no, wait! Ohhhh! Oh, look, we have a gentleman caller.
( as Lucinda ) And he's a man.
Let's waste him! Oh! Ha, ha, ha! How would you like some gator tea, hmm? ( as Deirdre ) Oh, hello.
You're so beautiful.
You look just like Harrison.
Oh, how would you like to make a lonely ghost Phwoo.
Very happy? Wow! The vacation isn't a total loss.
I just met two chicks! How'd you like to meet me down at the beach? ( coyly ) Oh! Oh! Sorry.
Listen, we'll frolic in the tidal pools, and let the hermit crabs have their way with us.
Aloha! I'm off to the hukilau.
Come back, sailor.
Ohh.
I'm goin' with him, Lucinda.
( as Lucinda ) No, we'll both go! ( as Deirdre ) But what if we go? We'll never be able to return back here to belle rev.
( as Lucinda ) Come on, girl, let's party.
Come on, now! Haaaa! Whew! ( normal voice ) They're gone, Mindy.
Oh, Mork, you're all right! Oh! Wow.
It's not easy having body guests.
Everything's all right now.
I think they're gone.
Look, the boards are off the window, and it's not cold in here anymore.
Oh, Mindy.
You gotta get rid of this house.
You gotta sell it, ditch it, burn it.
Oh, Mork.
How can I? In In spite of what's happened, it's It's my house.
It's my past.
What's wrong? Remember I told you I was I was sensitive to those spirits? Well, we're not alone.
Oh, no.
We're not? There's another spirit in here.
Oh.
It's a gentle one, though.
I think it wants to talk to you.
Oh, no.
( gentle voice ) I remember my little daughter playing peek-a-boo behind this chair, after she had made that caterpillar out of the egg carton.
Mom? Remember that time, you put your daddy's underwear on the puppy? Mom, is that you? Mom, are you all right? Oh, yes, dear, I'm fine.
There's so many things I want to ask, but I don't know where to start.
It's all right, darling.
But I don't have much time, and there's something that I need to tell you.
Do you remember that old teddy bear that you loved so much, and you You hugged it till it was smooth and the stuffing was coming out, and the eyes were gone, but you still didn't want to give it up? Yeah, but I don't understand what this has to do with But, dear, you finally outgrew it.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with giving up things that you've outgrown.
Goodbye, dear.
Do you have to go? Yes, but don't worry, darling.
Wherever you are, I'll always be with you.
( sobs ): I love you, Mom.
( normal voice ) Mind, the spirit's gone.
Yes, she has.
Oh, Mork, that was my mother.
Oh, Mind.
What did she say to you? ( sniffs ) She told me a story about my teddy bear.
( sniffs ) But I don't think she was talking about the bear, as much as she was talking about this house.
You know, Mork, it's It's really tough to let go of something you love, especially when there were so many memories created here.
But now I realize that the memories that are living in this house are living in me, and they always will.
Oh, Mindy.
Well, maybe you and I can create some more memories to keep them company.
Oh.
( sniffles ) ( creaking ) ( sentimental theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: Mork.
Sir.
Why are you wearing that strange cranial covering? Well, it's for protection, sir, but it's all explained in my report.
Do you have an interesting report this week? Oh, indeed I do, O portly one, and it's all in rhyme, to make it fun.
I went to fix up Mindy's house.
I was quiet as a mouse.
When suddenly, The house was shaking! It wasn't San Andreas quaking.
The room filled with flies, Nyoom, and bees, nyaagh, And scared me Out of my B.
V.
Ds.
Whoop! And a voice told me "Get out of here.
" I said, "uh, uh," in fear.
I ran to Mindy's willy-nilly.
They all told me that I was silly.
"There's no such thing As ghosts," said she, And pried my arms From around her knee.
I swore to her That there was a spirit, And took her to the house To hear it.
Then we got the explanation.
It was my friend Exidor, On vacation.
I said he was a silly goose, And then all hell broke loose! "La la la," said Mr.
Bickley.
A moment later, He turned sickly.
Then we found out Why the house was cold.
It was unwilling to be sold.
What's the moral of this poem? That there's no place Like your ho-em.
ORSON: Thank you, Mork.
I liked your rhyme.
Thank you, sir.
Nanu, until next time.
Then we'll meet in a warmer clime.
Get together and have Thank you, Mork.
Next.
( upbeat theme playing )
Yeah, I could tell from its cute little pug chimney.
You're really interested in buying it, Mr.
Bickley? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Why is your old man trying to dump it? My father is trying to sell it, Mr.
Bickley.
Hm.
With he and Grandma on the road all year with the orchestra, it's just standing here empty.
Sounds solid.
Yep.
Does this place have indoor plumbing? Of course this place has indoor plumbing.
A smart buyer learns to ask the tough questions.
It's a terrific house.
Just look at it.
We're even fixing it up a little bit.
That wallpaper looks new.
Is it? It is.
Mm-hm.
Mork just put it up this morning.
Didn't know the boy was handy.
You know, it's funny.
Somehow, this room looks different to me.
Mork, are you here? Here I am.
Why did you wallpaper the door? Well, I didn't want to stop.
I was on a roll.
MORK: What do you think, Bick? It's worthy of a photo layout in House Bazaar.
Mr.
Bickley, I promise, by the time we're done, this house'll be as good as new, and you'll be able to enjoy it, just as much as my family did.
Bick, what do you want a house for? I yearn for digs to call my own.
Let's be honest.
An apartment is for wild young people.
But a house, on the other hand For wild old people.
La, la-la Miss McConnell, I just might be interested in this place.
Oh.
Mindy, that's wonderful.
One day on the market, already we've got a sucker.
I guess that makes you the suckee, huh? Whoa, ho, ho! We'll see about that.
How old is this house, anyway? Well, it's been in my family for about 80 years.
But it's been renovated a couple of times.
Eighty years, huh? I would imagine the original owner must have paid, oh, $2,000 or $3,000 for it.
Huh, yeah, probably.
Tell you what.
Because I know you, I might even double that.
Look, Mr.
Bickley, this house means a lot to me.
I was born here, and my mother died here.
I'm not even that sure I want to sell it.
I think I should see the other rooms, before we dicker over moola.
Listen, why don't you come back tomorrow, uh, when everything's more together, fixed up? All right, I'll meet you here tomorrow night at 7.
Call it impulse, call it serendipity, but I have a strong Nay, overpowering affinity for this joint.
That's great.
Well, I have to get home, too.
I'm making dinner for Jeanie tonight.
Mork, you stay here and clean up.
Well, all right! I'll stay here and clean up, you go home and make dinner! She likes it when I talk rough to her.
Whoa.
( mellow theme playing ) Mindy, if it bothers you that much to sell the house, why don't you take it off the market? But my dad wants to sell it.
I mean, I understand why, but, it's just It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was to refuse a complete physical exam from the chief resident at the hospital.
It was in his Corvette.
( laughs ) I'm still picking fiberglass out of my clothes.
Oh, Jeanie, why am I feeling like this? I mean, it's just a house.
Well, it was your home, Mindy.
There is a big difference between a house and a home.
Yeah, a house is bricks and wood siding, and a home is memories.
Yeah, where you lick cookies off a mixer blade.
Oh, yeah.
You did that too? Yeah.
I always had to keep my eye on Remo, so he wouldn't turn the mixer on.
( laughs ) There are a lot of memories in my house.
I'm getting a little sentimental here, right? After all, what is this? It's a business deal.
We're out to unload some real estate.
But I am putting in the deal, that no one is allowed to sleep in my bedroom.
( laughs ) Mork! Mork, what is it? ( yelling shrilly ) I think something's troubling him.
Mork, will you come out? Mork ( screams ) Mork, will you come out, and tell me what What's the matter? Oh, nothing much.
Just your house tried to attack me, that's all.
Oh, come on, Mork, now, really.
What do you mean, "Come on, really," Mindy? Mindy, I'm telling you the truth.
Well, I was at the house, and all of a sudden, I was hanging wallpaper, and the wind blew me across the room Shhh! Then it got real cold.
Then it got real hot.
And then a swarm of bees came in.
( buzzes ) Then a swarm of flies.
Zip, a-zip, zip, zip, zip zip, zip, zip! And then I ran flamboyantly, screaming to the window.
Ahh, ahh, ahhhh! And it slammed shut! Then this is the terrifying part.
I was standing there, and the furniture started attacking me! Yes! A little ottoman, and a little ottowoman too.
They were coming at me.
And the armchair couldn't keep its hands to itself.
( shrill voice ) This is the really bad part.
A strange voice came crying out "Get out of here!" By the time it said "here," I was here.
Have you been hitting the cream soda again? No, Mindy, Mindy, you gotta believe me.
You gotta believe me.
Believe you? What am I supposed to believe, that my house is haunted? Oh, either that, or I've lost my mind.
( laughs maniacally ) Maybe you better call the police and ask them to look for a little gray, squishy thing.
Mork.
Look, he could be right.
You know, there are case histories of haunted houses.
It's a normal house.
I lived there for 20 years.
Mork, tomorrow I'm going to take you over to the house in the light of day, and you can see for yourself that all those things are just a product of your overactive imagination.
Well, I have just one thing to say to that, Mindy.
What? ( Moans ) Oh! MINDY: Look, everything is fine.
See? There's nothing to worry about.
Mork, will you come in here, please? Evil spirit, begone! In the name of Joe Garagiola, Bowie Kuhn and Dick Butkus, begone! Mork, you are perfectly safe.
There's nothing to worry about.
And don't you feel a little ridiculous in that getup? Maybe I was gonna wear it anyway, huh? Now, I want you to take a look around.
Do you see any flies? Do you see any bees? No, but they were here last night.
Well, bugs get in sometimes.
Oh, yeah, big suckers like that.
Mm-hm.
How does that explain the furniture's moving? The bees were underneath buzzing? Sometimes a truck goes by, and it moves things.
You sure? I'm positive.
"How the mind can wreak havoc on one's sensibilities, thereby dulling judgment.
" Timothy Leary, 1978.
I mean, look at this place.
Everything is fine.
And even with the furniture covered like this, it still has a certain warmth.
See this chair? My mother did the needlepoint on this entire chair.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Did she crochet this stain too? And see these marks on the door? That was how tall I was, each birthday, from age 2 to 13.
We have the same thing on Ork, except they tattoo it on the back of our head.
No wonder I'm having such a hard time selling this place.
There's a little bit of me and my family in every room.
Anyone would be lucky to own a house like that.
Oh, that's so nice.
Thanks.
( ghostly voice ) Get out of here.
Did you hear that? Hope it was a truck.
Get out of heeere! Mindy, I always believe, that you must follow the advice of the spirit world.
Let's take a hike! Wait a minute.
It sounds like it's coming from that closet.
That's wonderful.
Let's talk about that over tea in Wyoming.
No! I'm not leaving.
This is my house.
Well, good luck, aim high.
Mork.
Get ooout of here.
Count to three and open the door.
Right.
1, 2, 3.
No.
( wailing shrilly ) Ahhh.
Hee, hee.
Ow W W One.
Tw Tw Tw Twooo.
T T T Three! ( gasps ) You didn't get out of here.
That's not nice.
Exidor.
What are you doing here? Vacationing.
But this is my house.
Of course.
You can't vacation in your own house.
Be kind, she's riding on empty.
( blows whistle ) Out of the water! Don't you see that fin? I hate to burst your very tiny bubble, but this is not a resort.
It's a private home, and that is a closet.
A closet? Mm-hmm.
The vacation is over, Exidor.
Over? Mm-hmm.
But I thought checkout time wasn't until 12:00.
Out.
Out? Moi? Mm-hmm.
All right, boys, let's go! This place is getting too commercial.
Steinmatz! I don't care if it's not Labor Day, your summer's over! Well, I told you there would be an explanation for all those strange things that were happening.
Well, you know something, Mindy? Sometimes you're wise beyond your dimples.
( laughs ) Thanks.
Let's take a look around, and see if there's anything else we should do before the house is sold.
Better do it quickly.
It's getting kinda chilly in here.
It is.
( ominous theme playing ) ( wind blowing ) ( gasps ) ( shrill laughter ) MORK: Let's get out of here! ( high-pitched laughter ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( squeaking ) I just don't understand it.
I mean, there's gotta be a logical explanation for what we saw.
Oh, there is.
Your house is haunted.
( laughs nervously ) You know, if I were you, I wouldn't talk about this to anybody, 'cause you could find yourself wearing a cute, white blazer with the sleeves that tie in the back.
Remo, I'm not imagining things.
We saw it, didn't we, Mork? Mork? ( screams ): Yes! Yes, it's horrid! Oh! Oh, there were ghosts in there.
Hundreds of 'em! ( sobbing ) Will you? Will you get up, please? Do you realize? Do you realize you're acting with less than total dignity? Oh.
Now, I want you to be cool.
Like Jack Nicholson.
( as Jack Nicholson ) Damn straight.
All right.
You gotta be fearless, like Charles Bronson.
( as Charles Bronson ) Kill the women and children first.
Yeah, that's a boy! ( Jean clears throat ) Well, if you ask me, you've disturbed the spirit world.
Disturbed the spirit world? How? Mindy, you're selling a house that's been in your family a very long time.
What a bag of Bandini! ( as Rod Serling ) There are things in the cosmos that must go unexplained.
Mindy, I don't want to upset you, but after Mork told us what went on in your house, well, I did a little research, and I found this old book in the library.
"Colorado Legends.
" ( normal voice ) Oh, intriguing.
Hoo, hoo! That's just bunk! ( clears throat ) You recognize this? Yeah, that looks like my house.
It is, in 1921.
But it was known then as La Follette House.
La Follette is my mother's maiden name.
Well, this book says that two sisters built this home in 1894, Lucinda and Deirdre La Follette.
Lucinda and Deirdre? They must have been my great-great-aunts or something.
Well, according to this, Lucinda was the older sister, and she wasn't so attractive.
But she was madly in love with this handsome, young silver miner named Harrison Monteith.
But he was in love with the young and beautiful Deirdre.
Then, one night, they found Harrison's body.
He'd been mysteriously poisoned, but no one could prove who did it.
After that, the sisters boarded themselves up in the house, and they were never seen again, until the day they died.
Oh, that's great.
That happened in my house? Yep.
Terrific.
It could be that Lucinda and Deirdre don't want their house sold.
Which reminds me, we are supposed to meet Mr.
Bickley at the house at 7.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You tell this story to Mr.
Bickley, and you're gonna scare the pants off of him.
No, I don't think so.
I think Mr.
Bickley will be amused by this quaint little anecdote as I was.
Well, we'll see you later.
So long.
BICKLEY: Mindy? Mindy? Mork? I'm here.
Okay.
Well, he's not here, Mindy, let's go.
Mork, you're acting like a child.
Now, will you get in here and hold my hand? Oh they're still here, Mind.
I think I'm sensitive to those people that you can see through.
Well, everything looks all right.
I wonder what ghosts do, when they're not busy scaring people.
( toilet flushes ) That's the last thing I would have dreamed of.
( footsteps ) Ahhh! I was just testing the plumbing.
Oh! Are you ready to show me the rest of the house? Oh, Bick, you don't want to see it.
Mr.
Bickley, there have been some strange things happening in this house.
What would you say if we told you that it might be haunted? I'd say you were trying to cool my interest, because you had a better offer from an Arab.
Oh, no jive, Bick.
I mean, this house should be moved to a padded neighborhood.
Hey, I don't go for all that hooey.
I want this house.
Ahh! Ahh! But not that much! ( shrill, maniacal laughter ) Oh, no! Oh, oh! Ha, ha, ha! It's boarded up! Mork, we're trapped! Oh, Mindy, something terrible is happening to me.
( both scream ) Mork! ( as Lucinda ) Mork? Who's Mork? I'm Lucinda.
Mork, will you cut it out? We gotta get outta here.
You're not gonna sell this house.
It's our home, isn't it, Deirdre? ( as Deirdre ) Whatever you say, Lucinda.
You're older, and you know more.
Mork, are you possessed? ( as Lucinda ) Possessed? Ahhh! I'm repossessed! No man's gonna ever come between us again, is it, Deirdre? ( as Deirdre ) I don't know, Lucinda.
If I wasn't so full of meshugaas, you wouldn't say that to me.
( as Lucinda ) Well, you are, and that's why I tied you up! ( knock on door ) Oh, no, another intruder.
Come on, Deirdre.
I'll teach you how to make that tea that makes 'em cough up the pancreas.
Come on in, girl.
( singing indistinctly ) Ahhhh! Oh, Exidor! Thank God somebody normal is here.
It's all beginning to make sense now.
You kicked me out, so you could vacation in there yourself.
No! You gotta help us! I don't have time.
I'm late for the hukilau.
Just came by to pick up my necessaries.
But you can't go.
Mork's in trouble.
You can't just leave.
I follow the sun! I'm off to hang 12! Oh, no, wait! Ohhhh! Oh, look, we have a gentleman caller.
( as Lucinda ) And he's a man.
Let's waste him! Oh! Ha, ha, ha! How would you like some gator tea, hmm? ( as Deirdre ) Oh, hello.
You're so beautiful.
You look just like Harrison.
Oh, how would you like to make a lonely ghost Phwoo.
Very happy? Wow! The vacation isn't a total loss.
I just met two chicks! How'd you like to meet me down at the beach? ( coyly ) Oh! Oh! Sorry.
Listen, we'll frolic in the tidal pools, and let the hermit crabs have their way with us.
Aloha! I'm off to the hukilau.
Come back, sailor.
Ohh.
I'm goin' with him, Lucinda.
( as Lucinda ) No, we'll both go! ( as Deirdre ) But what if we go? We'll never be able to return back here to belle rev.
( as Lucinda ) Come on, girl, let's party.
Come on, now! Haaaa! Whew! ( normal voice ) They're gone, Mindy.
Oh, Mork, you're all right! Oh! Wow.
It's not easy having body guests.
Everything's all right now.
I think they're gone.
Look, the boards are off the window, and it's not cold in here anymore.
Oh, Mindy.
You gotta get rid of this house.
You gotta sell it, ditch it, burn it.
Oh, Mork.
How can I? In In spite of what's happened, it's It's my house.
It's my past.
What's wrong? Remember I told you I was I was sensitive to those spirits? Well, we're not alone.
Oh, no.
We're not? There's another spirit in here.
Oh.
It's a gentle one, though.
I think it wants to talk to you.
Oh, no.
( gentle voice ) I remember my little daughter playing peek-a-boo behind this chair, after she had made that caterpillar out of the egg carton.
Mom? Remember that time, you put your daddy's underwear on the puppy? Mom, is that you? Mom, are you all right? Oh, yes, dear, I'm fine.
There's so many things I want to ask, but I don't know where to start.
It's all right, darling.
But I don't have much time, and there's something that I need to tell you.
Do you remember that old teddy bear that you loved so much, and you You hugged it till it was smooth and the stuffing was coming out, and the eyes were gone, but you still didn't want to give it up? Yeah, but I don't understand what this has to do with But, dear, you finally outgrew it.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with giving up things that you've outgrown.
Goodbye, dear.
Do you have to go? Yes, but don't worry, darling.
Wherever you are, I'll always be with you.
( sobs ): I love you, Mom.
( normal voice ) Mind, the spirit's gone.
Yes, she has.
Oh, Mork, that was my mother.
Oh, Mind.
What did she say to you? ( sniffs ) She told me a story about my teddy bear.
( sniffs ) But I don't think she was talking about the bear, as much as she was talking about this house.
You know, Mork, it's It's really tough to let go of something you love, especially when there were so many memories created here.
But now I realize that the memories that are living in this house are living in me, and they always will.
Oh, Mindy.
Well, maybe you and I can create some more memories to keep them company.
Oh.
( sniffles ) ( creaking ) ( sentimental theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: Mork.
Sir.
Why are you wearing that strange cranial covering? Well, it's for protection, sir, but it's all explained in my report.
Do you have an interesting report this week? Oh, indeed I do, O portly one, and it's all in rhyme, to make it fun.
I went to fix up Mindy's house.
I was quiet as a mouse.
When suddenly, The house was shaking! It wasn't San Andreas quaking.
The room filled with flies, Nyoom, and bees, nyaagh, And scared me Out of my B.
V.
Ds.
Whoop! And a voice told me "Get out of here.
" I said, "uh, uh," in fear.
I ran to Mindy's willy-nilly.
They all told me that I was silly.
"There's no such thing As ghosts," said she, And pried my arms From around her knee.
I swore to her That there was a spirit, And took her to the house To hear it.
Then we got the explanation.
It was my friend Exidor, On vacation.
I said he was a silly goose, And then all hell broke loose! "La la la," said Mr.
Bickley.
A moment later, He turned sickly.
Then we found out Why the house was cold.
It was unwilling to be sold.
What's the moral of this poem? That there's no place Like your ho-em.
ORSON: Thank you, Mork.
I liked your rhyme.
Thank you, sir.
Nanu, until next time.
Then we'll meet in a warmer clime.
Get together and have Thank you, Mork.
Next.
( upbeat theme playing )