Mulligan (2023) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[joyful music playing]
[pigeons cooing]
[Lucy humming]
- [water splashing]
- [Axatrax grunting]
- Kragnorp, that hurts!
- [Lucy gasps] Oh no.
- [Axatrax grunting]
- [Lucy grunts]
- Let go of my unlikely friend.
- [Axatrax continues grunting]
[Lucy sighs]
If you're ever attacked by a crocodile,
punch it in the eyes.
Thank gosh I minored in animal trivia
with a concentration
in green animals, right?
- Wrong. Why did you do that?
- Wait, you wanted it to bite you?
Oh, it's a sex thing.
That creature is the closest I can get
to a laser alligator on this planet.
I have to punish myself
to please Kragnorp.
The squid god who lives in the sun?
I'm so tired of explaining
obvious stuff to you people.
So it's like a religion?
It is an ancient code
passed down by the Elders
that governs
every aspect of Cardibean life.
And it's big on punishment.
If you fail in your duty as a soldier,
the penance is being laser-chomped.
If you covet a neighbor's work slug,
that's a half-chomp.
But the greatest sin of all?
- Eating sugar.
- [dramatic music plays]
That's the greatest sin?
The Code says
that if I even let sugar touch my lips,
Kragnorp himself
will come down and smite me.
Wait, you can't have sugar
just because some elders say so?
Thank goodness I grew up
in a religion that makes sense.
When Pastor Dan met Jesus
on the roof of a casino,
he said everything we were doing
was great.
Cool. So what are you doing up this early?
Besides totally chomp-blocking me.
I'm just on a five-mile run.
It's part of my morning routine.
I get up at dawn and thread my eyebrows,
then I do a chemical peel
By Kragnorp! What horrible sin
did you commit against your god
that you have to torture yourself
that way?
It's not "torture," silly.
I just do it to look my best.
Ah, so it is to please men.
Uh, no. I learned it from my mom.
And Cosmo.
A neighbor who collected women's shoes.
Wait, so I'm the one who does crazy stuff
because some elders said to?
- [Lucy scoffs]
- Sorry about her.
Thanks for being so patient.
[Axatrax grunting]
[theme music playing]
Well, I certainly will look
into your concerns
about how Italian-Americans
are portrayed in the media.
It makes my blood boil
like a spicy tomato sauce.
You're gonna love it.
- Ho-ay! Hey-hey! La-de-day!
- [whimsical music playing]
All right, who's next?
Get the FDA to fast-track my new drug.
Here's the bribe.
Sorry, that was amateur hour.
I just haven't done this in so long.
So, happy birthday?
Oh, this is wonderful, Johnny.
Big Pharma was always
my most favoritest lobby.
[chuckles] Those boys were rascals.
They come in here with their tails
between their legs, all, "Mr. LaMarr,
our new pills are giving everyone
tails between their legs."
Well, in our clinical trials,
B1-ACE-80 had zero side effects.
As always, I'll take your word for it.
But I don't know about that name.
I mean, what if it was something catchy,
like, uh, Jazziquil?
Yeah, I did my best
with what was on the original label.
[squeaks]
Placebo? It's just sugar pills?
I was scavenging
at a Christian family planning center,
and this was all
the birth control they had.
Look, of course zero side effects is good,
but can we approve something
with zero effects?
While you think it over,
why don't you open
your unrelated birthday present?
- [whimsical music playing]
- Oh my! Kit Kittredge?
Oh, I love how the Great Depression
ruined her family.
They should have been richer.
I think the president will be
more than happy to approve B1-ACE-80.
[dramatic music playing]
Mr. President
How come no one
is building me a new monument?
I mean, everyone's got water now
because of me.
Yes, but first they lost their water
'cause of you.
Eat two, Brutus?
Ah, you wouldn't understand that,
but I worked as a security guard
at Filene's with a guy named Brutus.
Whenever he'd go to the vending machine,
he'd ask if I wanted anything.
And I'd be like, "Yeah, I'll split
a pack of Twinkies with you."
And then he'd come back
having eaten both of them, and I'd be all,
"Eat two, Brutus?"
That's how you made me feel just now.
Stabbed in the back
by someone I thought was a friend.
Well, if you want a monument,
you need to do something
folks will get excited about.
But what?
- Huh!
- [whimsical music playing]
What if you approve this new wonder drug
from Zhao Pharmaceuticals?
Oh my, wouldn't that be something?
"Thanks, Mr. President," they'll say.
All right.
Well?
Uh, these things do take time.
Ugh!
In baseball, when you do something good
you get a trophy.
I got that for most mound charges
in a single season.
- Oh, you're dead!
- What are you doing?
It was just a ceremonial first pitch!
Uh, yes, uh, charming story, sir.
Oh, look at the time.
We have a cabinet meeting.
What? Ah, this job sucks.
The president says I'm in the cabinet now
because I know plumbing.
I guess it's almost as important as shoes.
Speaking of, are those all feet, or, uh?
[Matty groans]
Cool, uh, tie, Simon.
It really makes your neck look small.
Oh, thanks.
I found it on a very stylish corpse.
[Dr. Braun laughs]
Good morning. You may have noticed
I look a little different today.
That's because I chose
not to do my morning routine,
and I know no one here cares
Get out of here! This is the White House,
not an audition for a Subaru commercial.
I like it. I dated a lot of women
who weren't allowed to bring makeup
to rehab, so this works for me.
- Well, it's not for you, so
- Exactly.
I minored in women's studies in college
- Of course.
- Hot. Let's talk later.
And we should all
be applauding Lucy for her bravery.
And Farrah. She never cares how she looks.
I'm actually wearing makeup today.
- And I applaud that as well
- Don't say why.
Because wearing makeup
is clearly your choice.
You're not trying to impress a man unless
Watch out, Gary.
Farrah wants a piece of you!
White, tall, and skinny? No thanks.
[Dr. Braun sighs]
Why do you guys feel so okay
talking about how we look?
Are you gonna do Dr. Levine next?
Well, if she was here,
I'd make some joke
about how we don't really notice her.
But she's not.
Oh.
This Earth gender stuff is messed up.
I mean, let's talk about how the men look.
The leader of your planet
is wearing sweatpants.
No, I'm not! Oh, I did put them on.
And if anyone should be wearing makeup,
it's LaMarr!
- Woof.
- Hey.
- [Lucy] Mmm.
- Actually, I am female half the year,
so I guess I'd better make my lips
look more full of blood
so a boy will want
to internally fertilize me.
Mwah!
Do I look pretty now?
I'm confused, I'll tell you that much.
[Axatrax slurps] Mmm.
Is this what makeup tastes like?
Oh, it's good. So sweet.
It's Daddy's Little Slut brand
cake batter flavor,
and it's all I could scavenge, okay?
Wait, cake?
- It has sugar in it!
- [dramatic music plays]
Please, Kragnorp, make it quick!
Take me now, Great Space Squid!
What just didn't happen?
Why didn't Kragnorp smite me?
Unless
Unless your squid god's just a fairy tale.
Unlike my person god.
- [whimsical music plays]
- I'm such a fool.
We're both fools.
I thought I was being hot for myself,
but I've just been brainwashed
to give them what they wanna see.
If you were giving me what I wanna see,
you'd be in a pine box!
I I do apologize. I'm just so upset
about the way you look.
[dramatic music plays]
[Matty grunting]
[continues grunting]
Whatcha looking for there, B.M.?
Which perhaps I should clarify
is short for "Big Matty."
The Nationals' World Series trophy.
Should have won one of those, you know?
I was only two minor league levels away.
But now I'm the president,
so somebody should be giving me
a trophy, like, every day.
[gasps] Oh my God. Is that it?
[Matty grunts]
Aww! A dog wheelchair? And it's gold?
How is this dog richer than me?
[grunts]
- [wheelchair thuds]
- No monuments, no trophies,
and long-dead dogs
have better lives than me?
- I mean, it needed a wheelchair.
- I hate this job!
- [Zhao on loudspeaker] Hate your job?
- Huh?
Looking for a shortcut
to the respect you deserve?
- How short?
- Want a job where you can win a trophy?
- How did you know?
- Um, sir, you do already have a job.
[Zhao] Tired of listening to Simon?
Then join
the Zhao Pharmaceuticals revolution.
All you need to do
to join our sales team is buy boxes
of our new wonder drug B1-ACE-80,
and then sell them to other people.
- Top sellers get this shiny object!
- Aw, sweet! It's so shiny.
- Okay, this is clearly a pyramid scheme.
- I'll take ten boxes.
- President Mulligan playing it safe.
- A hundred!
[whimsical music playing]
"Your tie makes your neck look small"?
God, I suck!
I'm the only person I know who can do
a walk of shame without getting laid.
- Also, you're talking to yourself!
- Okay, thank you, Vance Barry.
I wasn't talking to you, lady.
I was talking to me.
You told her!
Just a memento of your night
with the King of England.
And this is a disclosure agreement.
By signing, you agree to tell everyone
that we bloody well shagged.
- Huh.
- [whimsical music playing]
Farrah! Did you already know
men judge women based off their looks?
- You were a beauty queen.
- It's such a double standard.
Women have to meet double the standards.
That's kinda correct, actually,
but didn't you ever talk
about stuff like "the patriarchy"
in your dorm room freshman year?
And then that first Thanksgiving home
with your family was a nightmare for them?
Do you want any more carrots, dear?
Yeah, Grandma, great.
Why don't you load up my plate
with some more phalluses?
[grandma sighs]
My college experience was different.
At UNLV, I got course credit
for being a card girl at UFC fights.
- What course would
- Math.
The cards have numbers.
- [sighs] I can't believe how blind I was.
- I know!
All this time,
I could've been eating sugar.
Well, now I'm going
to eat nothing but sugar.
That should be easy. It's in pretty much
every packaged food product.
Really? Why?
Well, because Iowa
is the first presidential caucus.
So politicians pour money
into corn subsidies,
farmers grow way more corn than we need,
and that's why there's corn syrup in milk.
- Whoa. What else don't we know, Axatrax?
- No.
I don't know.
And that's one more thing we don't know.
[dramatic crescendo]
[whimsical music playing]
[LaMarr gasps] What in Tar Nation,
South Carolina's leading supplier
of creosote, is going on in here?
LaMarr, what if I told you
there was a pill and you could buy it?
Is that all you're gonna say?
How many bottles can I put you down for?
Five hundred? Or do you call the shots
in your household?
- No, Mr. President, I don't want any
- Goddammit, I'm gonna kill that guy!
Johnny Zhao said these things
would sell themselves, but they didn't.
I told you we don't need any pills.
You don't even know what they do.
They couldn't possibly
make your life worse, ma'am.
Look at this dump.
What's up, chief? Your wife's a bitch.
Who calls the shots here?
No, no, don't go! I need the shiny thing!
Whoever sells the most pills
gets the shiny thing.
But if I can't sell them,
they're clearly defective.
We should banish
that liar Johnny Zhao to the woods.
Sir, let's not be hasty.
Jonathan Zhao
is a pillar of this here community.
Even he's got a pillar?
Oh, hell no! I'm gonna shoot that guy
into the moon.
[sighs] And as always, it is a joy for me
to spend all my time putting out
these little fires that you set.
"Little"? The one that burned down
the Kennedy Center was, like, huge.
Yes, well, perhaps we could forget
all this dangerous anti-business rhetoric
if I helped you win that shiny trophy?
For real? You could do that?
If there's one thing I know how to do,
it's sell folks something
they don't really want.
I've been doing it to the good citizens
of South Carolina for nigh on 50 years.
And the product is yours truly.
My cousin used to sell herself
on Craigslist.
The trick is to say you're selling a couch
but then you're like,
"Hey, look what came with the couch."
[LaMarr sighs]
[whimsical music plays]
You fancy Simon? The fellow
who's always getting attacked by birds?
They think he's a big worm
because of the hip movement when he walks.
But he kinda saved my kids' lives.
Even though he did it so weird.
Yes, mark me. I belong to you now.
- Oh-ugh-enghh!
- [bird chirps]
I told you I'm not a worm.
We don't like that story.
Well, I've shut him down so many times.
It's on me to make the first move.
So now I'm kinda in my head.
My current idea
is to bob for apples in front of him
and get all my sexy parts wet.
Oh my, you do need help!
But you came to the right place.
Farrah, there are two types of women.
Okay, I love this so far.
There are Dianas, which every man wants.
Beautiful flowers who feel
and act and snog.
One day, I will make one of them my queen.
And then there are Elizabeths.
Dignified and sexless and think-y.
Like a mean nanny or a sea witch.
[Dr. Braun] Mmm!
I will help you become a Diana
on one condition.
I would like you to make me
some party drugs in your lab.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Capital! I have
a bunch of ideas for new ones.
What if a pill can make you really horny,
but also quite sleepy?
Imagine the struggle within.
Alien Apocalypse got you down?
This is me nodding.
If you need a cure for all that ails you
One thing simply never fails you ♪
Eat 'em 'til you've had your fill
It's Dr. Johnny's wonder pill! ♪
[Joel gasps]
Times are tough but we'll get through
Just put your faith in you-know-who ♪
There's nothing Johnny cannot do
He's got the cure for ♪
[upbeat piano music playing]
Fatness, shortness, hat-head, horseness
Baldness, tallness, being Joel ♪
- Sunburn on a Man of Mole ♪
- [Urgmel hisses]
Legs too skinny? Neck too long?
Feeling sober? Hate this song? ♪
Rusty shovel? Doll got lice?
Feeling drunk? Take my advice ♪
Media portrayals gotcha low? ♪
Lower than a-the funghi on the,
come si dice? Ground.
It's better than your Lexapro
For a third time, here comes Joel ♪
Get ‘em before they're sold! ♪
It's your route to full-time gaiety
AKA B1-ACE-80 ♪
I use it too, I'm not some shill
It's Dr. Johnny's Wonder Pill! ♪
[whimsical music plays]
[LaMarr exhales]
- [wheelbarrow squeaking]
- Oh my God, we did it.
Yes, sir. Of course. We.
Making you my VP was, like, smart.
[curious music plays]
He made me?
That boy's crazier
than a sock full of monkeys.
[giggling]
[Jeremy] Yeah. [grunts]
Let's get started, shall we?
Okay, Simon loves typefaces,
which is different from fonts,
something he's screamed at me many times,
so I'm thinking
the perfect moment would be
No and no.
There's no such thing as a perfect moment.
Or thinking.
A successful swordsman, or sheathswoman,
must learn to stop thinking
and start snogging.
I can't just "stop thinking," Jeremy.
In high school, I was voted
Most Thinking. And Worst Body.
That's why you came to me.
Farrah, do you find
this partially melted wax statue
of Paul Blart, Mall Cop,
sexually appealing?
Ew, no.
Also there's spider eggs in his mouth.
Precisely. But if I can train you
to ignore that big brain of yours
and snog Paul Blart
whilst having firecrackers thrown at you,
then surely you can ignore it
long enough to snog Simon,
something you actually
and inexplicably want to do.
Huh.
Wait, what did you say
about firecracker? [screams]
I'm going to throw firecrackers at you
until you kiss him. Was that not clear?
- [Dr. Braun screaming]
- [Jeremy grunting]
Riboflavin, palm oil
Yes, sugar. To America.
[chomps, gulps]
You know why the Code
said not to eat this stuff?
Because religion
is just a form of social control.
- Am I the first one to realize that?
- The first one I know of.
- [knocks on door]
- Lucy, can I borrow a [gags]
Okay, that hatched in my mouth. [sniffs]
- I just need to borrow a dress.
- Oh, Farrah.
You know dresses were invented by a man,
so we look like bells and he could lift us
by the head and call the ogres to dinner.
I don't think that's right.
Huh.
Yeah, this is a book
of Swedish folk tales.
I guess we're also not full of pennies.
You know, I think you're expected
at this thing tonight too.
Matty and LaMarr
are Zhao Pharmaceutical's top sellers,
- and they're being honored
- Wait, what?
- Are you saying the president is being
- Whoa! Freshman 15, huh?
- No body-shaming. "Gross" is a construct.
- She didn't say "gross."
Well, Axatrax,
if you were about to observe
that government
is in the pocket of big business,
- yeah, that's kinda how it works.
- [Lucy] Ugh!
The system is such a system.
Betty Ford, King Hussein dinner, 1974.
Yeah, I could tie Simon
to a headboard with this.
- Sorry, what?
- [Dr. Braun] Hmm? Okay, bye.
We have to let people know
about this government-business thing.
And I know the perfect place to do it.
Which means for one last night,
- it's dinnertime, ogres.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [applauding]
- [crowd cheers]
- Y'all ready for pills? Whoo!
B1-ACE-80 in the house, mother f-ers.
[Gary laughs] B1-ACE-80!
- [Zhao grunting]
- [woman] Yes!
We're all here today for a family reunion
of the Zhao Pharmaceuticals family.
And who are the family's best babies?
This quarter's winning sales team,
President Mulligan
and Vice President LaMarr. Air horn noise!
[all applauding]
[woman] Whoo!
Wow. I have wanted this thing
ever since earlier.
But I couldn't have done it without help
from a very special old white guy.
"Help." [scoffs]
This old white guy
is the reason I'm standing up here.
And the reason I'm president.
I'm talking of course about God.
Thanks, God.
[all applauding]
He didn't ev Of all the
- I can't even finish
- [Axatrax] No!
- Wake up, sheeple.
- [crowd gasps]
Bah! I just fell asleep.
And there's no "sheeple."
I'm the only sherson.
Why did the aliens do this to me?
These pills are being sold to you
by your own elected officials.
[sniffs]
They also smell delicious.
We are being led like sheep
to the slaughter that is capitalism.
[Sherson] Seriously?
Ms. Suwan, that is a board game,
a shoe polish, and a tasty snack,
'cause it is Balderdash,
Shinola, and Poppycock.
[Lucy muffled]
Like, it doesn't matter what I do!
Brain, I swear to God.
You mess this up for me,
and I will TOD you. Hard.
I'm raging against the machine.
Take that, machine!
Oh no, the unholy alliance
between government
and big business is so scared.
We give up.
LaMarr, let's end our unholy alliance.
[Zhao and LaMarr chuckle]
Okay. You know why these smell so good?
They're just pure sugar.
- [all] Sugar pills?
- [Karen] What?
Wait, I've been busting my hump
selling sugar pills?
Also, you told me they'd cure my hump.
I invested my Life Savers in this scam.
I had, like, 30 of 'em.
They were my life savings.
[all clamoring]
Family, family, please.
I'm as shocked and upset as you are
to find out I'm a liar and a criminal.
- [all] Hmm?
- Hey, I'm not a scientist.
I'm just a handsome genius
who found a bunch of pills.
It was President Mulligan who said
they were safe and awesome.
Here's his signature
on B1-ACE-80's FDA approval.
[all gasp]
Wait, no! Yeah, I signed that, but
Just so you could sell 'em yourself?
Judas
Priest's song "Breakin' The Law"
describes what you did.
[all grumbling]
You lied to me.
You said approving those pills
would get me a monument.
They're just sugar?
Vice President LaMarr tricked me
into letting Johnny trick you.
I am your fellow victim.
Jeezum Crow, you're an imbecile!
Which I used to think was a good thing.
You'd smile and wave
while I did whatever I damn well pleased.
Rebuild the military-industrial complex,
privatize the EPA,
convince my newest doll,
Felicity Merriman, to try bangs.
But instead, I spend all my time
selling sugar pills
to stroke your infantile ego.
It wasn't for my ego.
It was so I could win a trophy!
Which I thought would distract you,
'cause distracting you is the only way
I can get anything done.
That's how I run this country.
You run the country?
I'm the president, chief.
Something you'll never be
because you're a million years old,
you dumb, old oldie.
You're only president
because I made you president.
I've been selling your goony face
to the public just like sugar pills.
And like sugar pills,
you are also completely useless.
Well, if that's how you feel,
then I expect your quitting thing
on my flat work thing tomorrow morning!
Are you trying to say
"resignation" and "desk"?
Well, why wait?
I keep a letter of resignation on me
at all times.
Whoop, no, that's my suicide note.
Here we go. I quit!
Not if I quit first!
Ah, dammit, I've never been
on this side of a quitting.
What do they always say to me? Um
Oh, yeah. You're fired!
- [Axatrax chomping]
- Whoa, was that guy always so fat?
He's beautiful. At any size.
- Ugh, you look horrible.
- I can't stop.
They're so delicious. [chomping]
- [Axatrax grunting]
- [rumbling]
[Fabia] Buca di Beppo!
It's like a Reebok Pump.
Remember those? Big sellers for me.
Huh. Maybe this is why we don't eat sugar.
- Ah!
- [all yell]
[Wanda] Damn! Oh!
Oh no, my cool eyeglasses.
- [all clamoring]
- [Lucy grunting]
What's happening?
My body is metabolizing the sugar
as some kind of lighter-than-air gas.
- Save us, Kragnorp!
- Save us, Kragnorp!
Come on, come on. [groans]
- No! There was time now. Finally, time.
- Don't think, don't think, don't think.
- [Dr. Braun imitates bird]
- Huh?
No! No! Not another bird.
Leave me alone, birds!
- [yelps] Oh!
- [clattering]
I'm not a worm!
- [continues yelping]
- [glass shatters]
[birds squawking]
Oh no!
Wow, what a show.
But I spare no expense
when it comes to entertaining
the Zhao Pharmaceutical family.
Zhao Pharmaceuticals
It's a family that loves ♪
- [all applauding]
- [Zhao grunts]
[whimsical music playing]
Farrah! My eyes are up here!
Also my boobs and the rest of me.
Oh, wow. What am I looking at?
We've been talking,
and we realized that just doing
the opposite of what society says
is still letting society control us.
Yeah, also, maybe some parts
of religion are okay
as long as you don't follow them blindly.
Pretty deep, right?
Like, it doesn't matter what you do.
All that matters
is that you choose to do it.
And looking like this
does make me feel good.
So from now on,
I choose not to look like garbage.
Honestly, I'm impressed.
You ended up exactly where I did
after four years of college.
Good job saving 180 grand.
Oh, wait! Can you help get us down?
- Gahh, we should have led with that.
- [Lucy sighs]
[door opens]
I just wanted to let you know
that your plan was terrible.
And why am I surprised?
Look at this place. Look at you!
You're just some party boy
who King Ralph-ed!
Bosh!
The only reason
you're getting it done with women,
is that all the other men keep dying
doing parkour in the rubble.
Parkour! Parkour! Par
[neck cracks]
And you know what?
I don't even wanna be a Diana.
'Cause Elizabeths get stuff done.
And they're not sexless, by the way.
Queen Elizabeth had four kids,
so she was down to clown.
And Elizabeth I got very busy
with Ralph Fiennes's brother
in that movie.
So yeah, maybe you should quit
shagging Dianas
and get yourself
a good old-fashioned Elizabeth
to come clean up your act and this pigsty!
[whimsical music plays]
There's a lit cigarette in your hair!
- [Jeremy grunts]
- [cigarette sizzles]
Maybe I do need an Elizabeth.
[inhales, exhales]
And perhaps I've just found her.
[bugs chittering]
[whimsical music playing]
[LaMarr] If you need a cure
For all that ails you ♪
One thing simply never fails you ♪
Eat 'em 'til you've had your fill
It's Dr. Johnny's Wonder Pill! ♪
Times are tough but we'll get through
Just put your faith in you-know-who ♪
There's nothing Johnny cannot do
He's got the cure for ♪
Fatness, shortness, hat-head, horseness
Baldness, tallness, being Joel ♪
Sunburn on a Man of Mole ♪
Legs too skinny? Neck too long?
Feeling sober? Hate this song? ♪
Rusty shovel? Doll got lice?
Feeling drunk? Take my advice! ♪
Media portrayals gotcha low? ♪
It's better than your Lexapro! ♪
For a third time, here comes Joel
Get ‘em before they're sold ♪
It's your route to full-time gaiety
AKA B1-ACE-80 ♪
I use it too, I'm not some shill
It's Dr. Johnny's Wonder Pill! ♪
[song ends]