My Family (2000) s02e08 Episode Script

(# Tinny dance track blares from headphones) Oh, come on, Susan.
It's been seven minutes since the last move.
Don't rush me, I'm trying to concentrate.
- Is that it? - No, that's "at".
Seven minutes? For "at"? That's what happens when you hurry me.
OK, let's count it up, shall we? A - one point, T - one point.
That's two points.
Michael, pay attention, it's your turn.
That's 36 on a double triple word score, plus 12 on a triple word, plus 50 for using all seven tiles, which makes 302.
What? W-What kind of word is Q-A-T? Qat, noun, from the Arabic, a shrub prevalent in East Africa and Arabia or, specifically, its leaves taken as a tea for their stimulant effect.
"Quat"? What? Pass me the dictionary.
- You know he's always right.
- Pass me the dictionary! "Quat", "quat", "qu-at".
Making a right quat of m Stupid dictionary.
- Oh, is the game over? - No.
- Then I give up.
- You can't give up.
What's wrong with doing something as a family? - As we have for 20 years.
- Yes, suffering.
You won't know what suffering is if you don't put down your tiles.
OK.
B-O-R l-N-G.
"Boring".
That's nine points.
Your turn, Dad.
OK (Scats and hums) Oh, hurry up, Ben.
Entire galaxies have formed and died in the time it took you to spell"at".
- I had bad letters.
- A bad workman blames his tools.
Just remember that tonight.
What's he doing? I'm trying to concentrate.
I'm moving in slow motion.
- Reckon I'll live longer this way.
- Don't count on it.
Hang on.
Why didn't you tell me you were playing Scrabble? - Because you cheat.
- Me? Yes, last time we played you put down seven blanks.
There are only two in the game.
Explain that.
- Tippex.
- Your father's grumpy cos he's stuck.
I'm not stuck.
- Ah-ah-ah! - Stop it, go away! - Stop bothering your father.
- OK.
(Mimics rewinding tape) What letters does he have? (Scottish accent) And here we have the aged veteran Ben Harper.
Battling valiantly against the worst rack of letters I've seen in my life.
- Ah.
- He lines up another go.
Oh dear, he seems tense.
I think I can detect a vein throbbing in his temple, he appears to be turning red! - I've had enough of this.
- But we're having family fun.
You always do this when I'm winning! - Thanks, Nick.
I owe you.
- Yeah.
Five quid, wasn't it? Thank you.
(Ben) Heh-heh-hey! Michael, look at this! Ha! No idea what this means.
If it keeps you happy for another three years, I'm happy.
- The G3's already out of date.
- What? It's got a 20-gigabyte hard drive! The new one coming out has a 60-gigabyte hard drive.
It's blue.
Don't be silly, he doesn't mind about the colour.
- Actually I wanted a green one.
- Oh, good.
- As long as you're grateful.
- Er excuse me.
- What do I get? - Sorry? Michael's getting a new computer.
- The school says he's gifted.
- I'm gifted.
I've got a talent for fashion.
Why not buy me clothes? You know we've always treated all our children fairly so I'm sure you'll understand that we can't give you anything at the moment because We've spent all this money on Michael.
That's nice.
It makes me feel wanted.
I think I'll just sit over here and develop an eating disorder.
Thank you.
Diplomatic as ever.
Hi, everyone.
Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! Hey, new computer! Cool.
Thought you wanted a green one.
On days like these you just know something wonderful's gonna happen.
What, like you're emigrating? Ha ha, your sarcastic barbs cannot wound me, for I wear the Armour Of Love and the Shield Of Amour.
- Has Nick got a new girlfriend? - Or he's found Cartoon Network.
- She's called Amanda.
- Amanda.
How lovely.
When are we going to meet Amanda? She'll be round any minute.
Off to the cinema and then who knows? You buy a ticket, find a seat and watch a film? - Ha ha.
Shield Of Amour! - Where's my Mallet Of Silence? How long have you been seeing her? We met when I had that limo-driving job.
- That would be Tuesday? - Yep.
We clicked.
She can't get enough of me.
- She can have my share.
- (Michael and Janey) And mine! Ha ha ha.
Shield of (Sniffs) Ooh.
That reminds me, better go and tidy up.
- (Mimics aerosol spray) - That's what you've been using? A finger and a sound effect? That explains a lot.
Where are you going with that? I thought I'd stick it in a shop doorway and live in it.
- So, Nick's got a new girlfriend.
- Ho ho(!) - So what? - You couldn't care less.
No, I care very much that our son is skipping around like a lovestruck baboon.
- Aren't you pleased he's happy? - He's always happy.
When he gets happier, it's like putting sugar on Sugar Puffs.
- This one sounds different.
- As in different planet.
- Kelly was nice.
- Nice? She had nipple rings.
How do you know? They jingled when she walked.
What about that gold-digger? She almost bled Nick dry.
- She only got a cheeseburger.
- Exactly.
(Doorbell) - Don't you want to meet her? - Hmmm Not sober.
- Yes? - I've come to pick up Nick.
Oh, right.
Nick, Amanda's mum's here! - You are Amanda, aren't you? - Yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right, - it must look a wee bit strange.
- I was expecting somebody else.
Hello.
Nick! Amanda's mum's here! - Hello, babe.
- Hi.
(Exhales) Mum, Dad, this is Amanda.
Bloody hell o.
Hello.
Had we but world enough, and time.
Catch you later.
You don't have to go through with this, you know.
Well, bye.
Nice to have met you.
- She seemed surprisingly nice.
- Yes.
Did you notice she was from Scotland? Mm-hm.
You didn't think she was a little too from Scotland? - Not especially.
- There's quite a difference in their nationalities.
Does it matter? It's only when Nick's 35 she'll be from Scotland.
What have you got against the Scots? - It's nothing to do with Scotland! - I know.
- Why did you let me carry on? - I was bored of this book.
- Forget it.
- OK, OK.
You're fine about the situation? Susan, there really isn't a situation.
- She could be his mother.
- Don't exaggerate.
She's not that old! (Susan) You can come in now.
- It doesn't seem right.
- Does it matter how old she is? It would be like Janey dating a foetus.
- Perhaps we should - No.
- What was I going to say? - We should talk to Nick.
- A brilliant idea.
- I didn't mean that! Not in an interfering way, just steer him in the right direction.
- Let's try a fresh approach.
- Go on.
Let's not talk to Nick.
Let's not interfere.
Let's leave Nick alone.
- That's a very good idea.
- Yeah? Your father thinks we should have a little talk.
- Dad said that? - Yes.
You see, we care.
We want the best for you.
- You sure it was Dad's idea? - No, it was Mum's idea.
- It's about you and Amanda.
- Do you mind? - It's a private conversation.
- That's why I'm listening.
- What's to worry about? - Well You see, you and Amanda are very - different.
- I know.
She's a girl.
What I'm trying to say is, she's not a girl, she's a woman.
Still don't see a problem.
- She thinks Amanda's too old.
- Janey! If I wasn't here, you'd never have got to it! Now that I have, I'll get to the point.
When a sophisticated woman goes out with a sc A young man like you she's probably I don't know how to put this delicately - Just using you for sex.
- I know.
It's great, innit? - Get out! - Fine.
But you'll never finish this conversation without me.
I don't think you've thought this through.
I have.
By the way, we're getting married.
- What?! - Thought you'd be pleased.
- You only met her on Tuesday.
- When you first meet someone - you want to try everything! - Nick, Nick Marriage is a commitment for life.
Two people who stay together for better or worse, like me and your father.
Got it.
Scrub the wedding.
- So you're not getting married? - Not now I've thought about it.
Amanda might find this a little erratic.
I shouldn't think so.
I haven't asked her yet.
- Thanks a lot.
- For what? - For nothing.
- You're welcome.
You'll give Michael Nick's room when he moves out.
- Nick's not going anywhere.
- Must you keep saying that? - I need space for the computer.
- I need somewhere for clothes and your dead body.
Do you know how to kill someone without getting caught? - What? - I do.
- Hold on! - I'm always the poor relation.
- I have the smallest room.
- All right, all right! - Why don't you swap rooms? - I'm not moving in there.
- It smells of girl.
- Your room smells of f Important announcement, nobody is moving anywhere.
I'm not having this family disrupted because of Nick and his passing fad.
It's the real thing.
He got me to program her number into the phone.
He also got you to program the number of the speaking clock.
Nice thought, though.
Nick moving out.
That room of his would make a nice study.
- Or a nice sewing room for me.
- You don't sew! You don't study.
It being Nick's room we'd need to get a decorator in.
Decorator? We'd need a priest.
What's this about a priest? Janey's head spinning round? Near enough.
I've got to go.
The call of love must be answered.
- Have something to eat first.
- Amanda's cooking my favourite.
- I didn't know you had one.
- I do when Amanda cooks it.
- You seen the car keys lately? - No.
Take a good look.
I won't be back till late.
Nick, it's cold.
Button up.
- OK.
- And comb your hair.
God, you're beginning to sound like Amanda.
- Ben, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, no.
It's important.
If you want Nick's room, have Nick's room - that way maybe I can get some sleep.
- No, it's about Nick.
- Oh, you surprise me.
She's old enough to be his mother and acts like she is.
By blathering on and keeping people awake? Somebody will get hurt.
Whenever I hear that, I always know it's gonna be me.
I'm worried that Nick isn't worried.
He thinks there's nothing to worry about.
Exactly.
Someone's got to tell him.
- Why? - He's got to face up to reality.
The reality that his mother is a guilt-ridden bundle of neuroses? I didn't mean that.
Look at the upside.
Amanda is a sophisticated career woman with a successful business.
Think what she can teach him - how to dress, how to behave, how to hold down a job.
Weren't we supposed to do that? Yes.
But now's the time to pass the torch on.
I suppose it had to happen one day.
Have you ever wondered how you'll feel when they fly the nest? (Satisfied sigh) Sorry, I was somewhere else for a moment there.
It's obvious he wants to talk to you.
- Who? - Nick.
- What about? - About life, women, relationships.
Ooh, relationships? With Nick? Oh, God, no! - You talked to him.
- I did.
But there is some wisdom a son needs to learn from his father.
I've already taught him to pee standing up, isn't that enough? He's reaching out, Ben.
He was trying to talk to you earlier.
- "Have you seen the car keys?" - That's father-son code - for "Help me, I'm lost.
" - You're insane.
Nick doesn't want to talk to me.
Talking makes no difference.
- Then what's the harm? - What's the point? - I'd be happy.
- I'd be miserable.
Then I win.
Don't even bother to try and make love to me tonight.
You're not going to bother, are you? (Nick) Dad.
Mum says we should have a word.
Sure.
Any time.
- Just let me know when you want it.
- How about now? - Now? - Why not? Sure.
Sure.
I've just got to do something in the kitchen.
I just wanted you to know that I really think it's really nice you're taking an interest in me and Amanda and our relationship.
Yeah, er good.
I need to be in there now.
I'm really grateful for this.
Not many sons can have this sort of heart-to-heart with their father.
I thought you didn't even care.
Erm Ooh, kettle's boiled.
- You didn't put the kettle on.
- No, I didn't, did I? It's good to know that if I want you for whatever reason, you're always there.
Some dads would run a mile before Ready for that talk now, then? You see, what I wanted to say was - Mum wants to invite Amanda round for dinner.
Oh, that is a brilliant idea.
Good.
Mum said check with you first.
- Yeah - That's settled then.
I'll tell Mum.
- Nick, Nick - Good talking with you.
Let's do it again.
Yeah, let's - Bye.
- Bye.
Mum? You know you said Michael was gifted.
Why don't you send him away to a school for gifted children? - That's rather a big step.
- That's what I thought, so I sent away for these brochures.
That's sweet but he's fine at the school he's at.
They're holding him back and there's a real danger his parents will spoil him at home.
- We'll think about it.
- They all have places.
Just phone and arrange the interviews.
As I say, we'll think about it.
I'm feeling nervous about this evening.
So am I.
Let's cancel.
No, we're doing this for Nick.
You're inviting the enemy to assess her firepower.
You're so cynical.
I just want to see what the cradle-snatching cow is really like.
- So, what time is dinner? - You're not invited.
- What time did you tell Amanda? - Me? I'm neutral.
- Nick told her.
- Perhaps I should call her.
Why aren't I invited? Nick and your father will be there - that's high risk enough.
I know, Janey can have my place.
I know, she can't.
Oh, hello.
Again, the poor relation.
One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party and nothing for the poor little match girl.
- Perhaps she'll just fade away.
- Hopefully mouth first.
Oh, my God.
- Is she allergic to prawns? - I didn't speak to her.
- Who was that? - Her husband.
Oh, Mum.
Please can I come? Well, I must say, darling, you set a lovely table.
- What are you doing? - Removing any sharp objects.
This is no time for insouciance, we've got to start panicking.
What's the panic? For once something is going wrong and it's nothing to do with me.
Can't you see? Nick will be devastated.
Yeah, but you're not going to tell him now.
- Are you? - (Doorbell) Oh, God, Susan, no! Susan! Susan! When are you going to learn to put things off? - Good evening, welcome.
- Good evening, Ben.
- You've met the lovely Amanda.
- Hello.
Hi.
Put that on ice, Harper.
I'll have mine with an olive and no tonic.
I need you to help me with the spring rolls.
Susan! No! No She-She's a terrible cook.
That's why I need Nick.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
Oh! Shall we sit down then? Yep, yep.
Sit, please.
So, Ben.
Nick tells me you're a secret agent.
This isn't going to be very pleasant.
I know, you did them for Christmas.
Not the spring rolls, something far worse.
Oh, Mum.
Not shellfish satay.
- Amanda.
- What about her? She's married.
- Go on.
- She's married.
- I know.
- You - How long have you known? - From the beginning.
You don't think there might be a problem? - In what sense? - That she has a husband.
Course not.
He's never in when I'm there.
- Isn't that a coincidence.
- I don't think so, I think Amanda planned it that way.
Could you try to look a little bit devastated? Er How's that? I don't have a licence to kill.
I have a licence to practise dentistry.
I have a fairly solid patient list topped up by people phoning up on the off chance, you know - a crown loose, a cracked filling, that sort of thing.
And you find that works as a cover? Er, no, no I really am a dentist! I wonder what you're like under torture? Pretty much like this.
Speaking of torture, here come the spring rolls.
Your husband's impervious.
Husbands are, aren't they? - How did he take it? - Surprisingly well but I'm working on it.
Oh, God, here we go.
I must say, Susan, when Nick invited me to meet his family, I had no idea how interesting they'd be.
Not really.
How about your family? I bet there's a story there.
I wouldn't talk about my family, far too embarrassing.
- You're sitting on my hand.
- Oh, that's what it is.
- Soft hands, eh, Dad? - Shut up.
I was just curious, as we're all around the same general age area, - have you had any children? - What, apart from your son? Right.
Did I ever tell you when I parachuted into East Berlin? Excuse my husband, he's about to go into hospital.
Oh, I'm so sorry, we should drink to his health.
No, let's drink to marriage.
- No - (All) Marriage! - And fidelity.
- (All) Fidelity! Oh, and not tarting around behind your husband's back.
I think she's got the picture now, Mum.
That's really subtly painted, Susan.
There's no need to get upset about it - Duncan understands.
As long as I'm honest, he never minds.
"Never"? Is this a regular thing? Regular as a train.
- I meant with other men.
- Honestly, Susan, don't come the schoolmarm with me.
You must've had a few flings.
She most certainly has not! You seem very sure about that, Ben.
Er, exc Oh, so you've had a few flings, have you? Perhaps.
While you were parachuting into Berlin.
Perhaps? Perhaps I couldn't care less.
If you weren't so careless we wouldn't have had Nick.
Ooh, your turn, Dad.
You see, this is why I prefer younger men.
- No strings, no baggage.
- You calling my wife baggage? - No, I did not.
- No, she did not.
I don't know what you're on about, you idiot.
- I'm an idiot? - You think I'm a terrible cook.
Isn't this romantic? Our first row.
I think we've all learned something from this.
Oh, OK.
- You first.
- Well There is a possibility on this occasion that it may have been wrong to interfere.
Perhaps.
- That's a big admission, Mum.
- It's not an admission, it's a "perhaps".
I hear ya.
It's up to you who you go out with.
And whoever you choose, I want you to remember that I'll always be here for you.
Thanks, Mum.
I want to thank you for putting up with me all these years.
Letting me live here rent-free.
Free food, free laundry, free beer.
No, I mean it, Mum.
I'll always appreciate you and I always will.
- You've split up, haven't you? - That's right.
I'm so sorry.
It was bound to happen.
She wasn't right for you.
- It wasn't me, it was you.
- What? Amanda didn't like you, said you were interfering and nosy.
Me? That can't be the only reason.
- There was the other man.
- Her husband.
No, Dad.
Didn't like him either.
I might have known it was your father's fault.
- Are you completely crushed? - No, not at all.
Plenty of other fish in the sea.
Maybe one day I'll find the girl who's just right for you.
(# Hums Music To Watch Girls By) Happy as ever.
You'd think he'd allow us a decent period of gloom.
- That just leaves Janey.
- Hm? Nick's happy, Michael's got his computer, Janey still thinks we're neglecting her.
What are we going to do? I don't know, I thought we'd just buy her a pair of shoes.
I despair sometimes.
How could you think our own daughter could be so shallow? Thank you so much for the shoes! Best dad any girl could ever have! Steady on, it's only a pair of shoes.
You don't think that's the end of it, do you? (Doorbell) See? Everybody's happy.
(Chuckles) (# Hums Music To Watch Girls By) Hello? - Harper? - Yeah.
Funny.
Only she usually goes for something a bit younger.
- Oh.
- Anyway I'm sorry.
It's because I care.
- Who was that, dear? - (Ben groaning) You know what? He didn't say.
Oh, my God, Colin, bandits at four o'clock.
(lmitates machine gun and explosions) This is the X-ray machine.
Ah! This is the fish tank.
I've been here before, Dad.
If you look very carefully, you can see the Launderette on the corner.
Is this gonna take long? Oh, come on, Mikey.
This is Take Your Kids To Work Day! The clue is in the title.
"Day".
Dentistry a lot more fun than it looks, you know.
Cock-a-doodle-doo! No, it isn't.
Hey, Michael.
What about this (As ventriloquist) 'Ello, Archie! Cor lumme, we're gonna have a lot of fun! (Gruffly) In the surgery, no one can hear you scream.
(Chokes) Jeff's dad can do that and he's not even a dentist.
- Jeff's dad's in the RAF.
- Really? But has he got one of these? (Chuckles) He's got a Harrier jump jet.
But can he do that? Hm? And that? Pretty impressive, huh? Jeff's dad's got an ejector seat.
Yes, I wish I had one of those now.