My Name is Earl s02e08 Episode Script

My name is Earl.
Camden County was having a heat wave.
Me and Randy wanted to cool off in the pool.
Unfortunately, we weren't the only ones.
When do you think the mice are gonna be done swimmin'? I think they are done, Randy.
They're just never gettin' out of the pool.
We can soak our feet in these, but my manager says we gotta put the ice back in the machines when we're finished.
I wish we had air-conditioning.
What Randy said got me thinkin' about someone else who probably wished he had air-conditioning.
He's number 26 on my list.
A few years back while Camden was in the middle of another heat wave me and Randy were in the middle of a crime wave.
Usually, we broke into houses lookin'for cool stuff.
During the heat wave, we were happyjust to find cool.
Man, if everyone who had one of these would just open up their doors and share we wouldn't have this stupid heat wave.
I'm goin' shirts-up.
Hey.
Luckily for us, Woody smoked a lot of weed and it never crossed his mind we were burglars.
Hejust assumed we were people he knew.
I could eat.
The right and proper thing to do would have been to clean him out and move on.
But because of the heat wave we decided to rob him one piece at a time and enjoy the cool air.
Indistinct.]
We thought we were busted for sure when Woody caught us rollin'his fridge through the living room.
But apparently something called "the munchies'" made it hard for him to concentrate on things like, well, where the hell he was.
We even tried smokin'weed for the first time - but it wasn't for us.
Sirens Wailing.]
I kept havin'to check to see if I peed myself.
And poor Randy was so high, he spent four and a halfhours lookin'for his nose.
Seriously, guys, did you hide it from me? Eventually, there was only one thing left to steal.
Go, go, go! Hey, Woody.
Uh, just adjustin'the air here.
I was sad to leave, but once we took the A.
C well, there was no reason to stay.
Come on, Randy.
It's time to take care of number 26.
I need to give that stoner guy his A.
C.
back.
It's too hot.
I can't take it anymore! Nice splash, Randy.
That got most of the mice out.
We sold everything we took from Woody except for the A.
C.
, which was still atJoy's.
- Hey, Crabman.
- Hey, Earl.
- What is that thing, a robot? - My deaf lawyer said if I could pass a lie detector test sayin' I didn't steal that truck, it'll help my case.
So I stole this old one from a swap meet.
Don't bother tryin' to explain the irony.
She doesn't see it.
Look, I got bad news.
I need to take your air conditioner back to the guy I stole it from.
Well, you're out of luck.
We don't have an A.
C.
anymore.
All right.
We do have an air conditioner but it's not the one you stole.
Darnell, unhook me from this thing so I can have a normal conversation with Earl.
- Sorry, Joy.
I'm takin' it.
- Fine.
It's got a nest of yellow jackets in it anyway.
Hope you get stung.
Could you hook me up to the machine and ask it if I'm ever gonna get married? Well, I can tell you the answer to that.
We stopped by Woody's apartment, but his landlord told us he'd moved out a couple years before.
Luckily, he left a forwarding address.
This is it.
Pick it up for you.
Man, these hippies are crazy, Randy.
That dude just ate something that was growin' out of the ground.
You think that's weird.
There's a chick over there squeezin' on a goat's ta-tas.
All right, look.
We'll just get this over with and get out of here.
Uh- Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me.
Can I help you? - There's a naked old lady in the bushes.
- I know.
Just don't panic.
- What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? - You're panicking.
Don't panic! Hello.
Uh, ma'am, uh, we're lookin' for a guy named Woody Maruzak.
He's over there fixin' that house.
I'll show you.
No, no! Nope.
We'll find him.
Woody? Earl and Randy Hickey.
Hey! Earl and Randy Hickey! Look, I gotta warn you.
There's a naked old lady in your bushes.
Oh, yeah.
That's Nora.
She's a nudist.
Kinda weird, if you ask me.
Then again, it might be a little weird that I live in a dung cottage.
What's dung? 'Cause it smells like cow ploppies.
Well, it's got cow ploppies in it, along with straw and a little mud for insulation.
Well, what do you know? Cow crap houses.
That's, uh, interesting.
Not interesting, Earl.
Crazy.
He puts poo on his walls.
That's what crazy people do.
While Randy tried to fight the smell I explained to Woody about my list and why I was there.
And it took a little longer than normal 'cause not all of Woody's brain cells had quite grown back yet.
That is great.
That is really beautiful.
You've really changed your life.
I'm proud of you.
I gotta be honest though.
I have no idea who you are.
I don't know if you know this, but I used to partake a little bit in the doobage.
In fact, thanks to the drugs, there were huge sections of Woody's life he didn't remember until he woke up one day, out of pot and accidentally sober.
They say you never change your life until you really hit bottom.
And it helps if you hit it from a thousand feet up.
That's when I quit drugs and moved up here to Sunshine Collective.
We're an off-the-grid commune, totally self-sufficient.
Grow our own food and live completely free of electricity.
Man, that weed stays in your system a long time, doesn't it? - Yeah.
- Where do you want me to put the A.
C? And don't worry.
I'm gonna take you shoppin' for the other stuff we stole.
No can do, Earl.
I don't need any of those items of convenience anymore.
- But I gotta do somethin', or I can't cross you off my list.
- Hmm.
I can see your pickle.
Hmm.
Well, how about this? You and your brother, you both seem like you're pretty good polluters.
- What makes you say that? - You've been here a half hour, and your car's still running.
Oh, no.
That's just so we can keep the fan on.
We got a couple Styrofoam cups of soda in it we wanna keep cool.
How about this: Why don't you stay with us for a week, see what we're all about? At the very least, you'll reduce your eco-footprint while you're here.
You sure you don't want a radio or something? We got one back at the motel that doesn't even take electricity.
You put batteries in it.
Sorry.
That's all I can think of.
- Just one week, right? - Don't worry.
You're gonna love it.
Hey, Nora.
You mind if these boys bunk with you for a few days? I call middle.
The hippie camp had straw mattresses which were actually comfortable once you got used to the straw pokin'in your back.
- We should get outta here, Earl.
This place isn't natural.
You know what someone told me last night? They said they don't believe in plastic.
That's just crazy.
Plastic exists.
I've seen it.
We can't leave, Randy.
Sometimes I just have to deal with strange people on this list.
Mornin', dudes.
Time to get to work.
- Okay.
See you when you get back.
- No, no.
You guys gotta work.
With you guys here, we got two more mouths to feed.
Up and at 'em.
You heard him.
Let's do this.
- Five more minutes.
- Come on, Randy.
Wakey, wakey, hands off- Randy, Randy, Randy, there's a snake.
Randy, there's a- Get up! There's a snake! The first day, we learned that being off the grid means that stuff that should be easy took a lot of work.
First, you search the woods for fallen branches.
Then you drag them back here you debark the wood for the mulch pile and you chop the rest to fire up the boiler.
Then, after about three hours, you got five minutes ofhot water.
And after you take your shower, you clean the soot from the boiler you put it in the ash pit, and then we can make soap out of it later.
Guess who won't be takin' showers.
The second day we learned that stuff that should be complicated was way too simple.
- The bathroom is a bucket, Earl.
- Of course it is, Randy.
Where do you think all this compost comes from? The third day, we learned these hippie people could do some pretty amazing things.
So you guys can make your own shirts? We make a lot of our own clothes on this loom.
Fruit of the Loom.
It all makes sense now.
And every day, we learned when you grow your own food you get vegetables at every meal even if they try to fool you into thinkin' it's something else.
Hey, that's a fine-looking "burrito.
'" Ooh.
"P izza.
'" You gotta love beet loaf.
You gotta love beet loaf.
I need to eat an animal! As the week went on, Randy wasn't doin'well.
And by the sixth day, I was really worried about him.
Hey, guys.
I hear you've been havin' a little trouble unpluggin' from the grid.
So I spoke to the gang.
We thought we'd give you a little treat.
- You like the TV show Friends? - Yeah.
We thought we'd put it on for you, cheer you up a little.
Come on.
- Hi, Joey.
- Hi, Rachel.
How you doin'? What's happenin'? These are real people.
Where's the TV? We don't have a TV, but one of our members was a huge fan.
Today's episode is loosely based on what she remembers of" The One With the Evil Orthodontist.
" Hey! It's Chandler.
Hey, Chandler, is it hot out today? Could it be any hotter? Whoa.
Did I just say that out loud? Hey, Ross has a monkey.
Oh, man, I've seen this episode.
Chandler hooks up with Monica.
Ah, come on.
Great.
This sucks! I wanna watch real TV.
I want real food! Sorry, everyone.
When my brother gets hungry - he gets kind of like an angry, dizzy Hulk thing goin' on.
That's the angry part.
And that's the dizzy part.
Watching those weirdos help Randy made me feel a little ashamed for how I'd been judgin'them.
They were good people, even if they were a little nutty.
Whoa! Don't lick that.
But it smells like butter and syrup.
It's potent stuff, man, made from herbs and roots from the woods.
Just put it on once a day, okay? Crazy day, huh? Want some wine? We made it out of grapes from our garden.
- You guys make your own wine? - Mm-hmm.
I tried to make tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms.
It's pretty gross.
Still got me drunk though.
That is not bad.
I gotta say, I don't get it, Woody.
You're all so smart.
Why you live in such a dumb way? Because it's good for the environment.
If we want our children and our children's children to keep livin' on Earth we gotta keep reducing greenhouse gases and reverse global warming.
You know what global warming is, right? Chemistry, geography, algebra vocabulary- nope.
All right.
Come with me.
I want to show you a presentation I give at the high school.
and I tend to hate presentations but to my surprise, Woody's little show didn't suck.
as a result of fossil fuel use.
And if the glaciers keep melting at this rate, in 20 years Camden County will look like this! Because of warming, deadly diseases like West Nile are spreading like wildfire and will kill you- and do you want to die a virgin? Sorry.
That's in there for the high school kids.
Really shakes 'em up.
And this is what CO2 levels will look like in 10 years.
You know what we do then? Nothing, 'cause it'll be too late.
We'll all just sit around and watch each other fry like we're bugs in a zapper.
Poof! Poof! Poof, poof! By the end, I was freakin'out.
And I could tell by the look on Randy's face he was freakin'out too.
Hey, this is messed up, man.
Does anybody else know about this? - 'Cause we should tell the president.
- People know.
- They just don't want to change.
- Well, not me, Woody.
You've really opened my eyes.
Me and my brother are never gonna look at the world the same again.
Right, buddy? When we finished our week with Woody I was anxious to get back to Camden and start saving the planet.
Bye, Randy! Nice bunkin' with ya.
Come back soon, and I'll teach you yoga.
- See y'all later.
- Bye, Earl.
Bye, boys.
This is exciting, huh? I'm a changed man, Randy.
We're gonna start livin' life different.
I already had "been wasteful" on my list, so it works out perfect.
I know, buddy.
I feel like I'm dreamin' too.
You know what, Woody? In honor of what I've learned, I'm gonna save some of that CO2 stuff and coast down the mountain.
- Keep going! - Do it! I'll coast after I get over this hump.
Good.
You're here.
I went through the checklist Woody gave me and got some things.
Florescent bulbs that use less electricity.
Reusable hemp bags for shoppin'.
And look: Shampoo that's not tested on animals.
I feel bad for those lab animals runnin' around with dirty hair but if it's better for the environment that's the sacrifice they have to make.
Look, Randy.
I notice you've been quiet recently and, well, I understand how freaky this whole global warmin' thing can be.
But don't you worry.
We're gonna fix it.
Okay, buddy? Mm-hmm.
Hmm? I was feelin'so good about savin'the planet I even gave up the biggest status symbol an American has.
Hey! Lance Dumbstrong! Don't you know ridin'bikes gives you nut cancer? That's when I realized it didn't matter how ecological I was livin'ifJoy was gonna pollute and cancel me out.
Why is your fridge open? You're wastin' electricity.
- You're the one that took the damn A.
C.
- Look, Joy there's a thing called global warmin', and we gotta stop it.
What do you think we're doin' in front of the cold 'frigerator, dummy? Move that thing! Blowin' turtle sweat all over me.
And did you know you had a can of used oil in the front yard? I know.
Darnell keeps forgettin' to dump it in the creek.
You can't pour oil in the creek.
If you do the bar graph goes up, the pie chart gets bigger.
The next thing you know, you got a big picture of the Earth with a sweaty forehead and a sad face.
The Earth doesn't have a face, stupid.
You're thinkin' of the moon.
Fine.
I'll take care of the oil.
I can't believe you guys aren't more worried.
Even Randy's freaked out.
- Darnell, you care about global warmin', don't you? - I do care.
I'm just not sure global warming is caused by man.
I think it's a bit anthropocentric to think humans could have that much effect.
Yeah.
I mean, why's it always gotta be the people's fault? What about what nature's doin' to us? I saw a show the other day where these two caribou attacked an innocent hunter.
I mean, he shot him, but still.
Those animals are vicious.
Are you lookin' at my boobs, dummy? I was frustrated 'cause I realized I was gonna have to double my efforts to make up forJoy canceling me out.
Then it hit me.
I wasn'tjust bein' canceled out byJoy.
I was bein'canceled out by everyone.
So I spent a couple days tryin'to get people to open their eyes.
- But mostjust didn't wanna listen.
- Hey! And the people who did listen didn't seem to care.
Look, pal, they're putting a cell phone tower in here.
Trees have gotta go.
I'm sorry.
A cell phone tower? But trees make air.
And look.
There's a bird livin' in one of them.
"But trees make air.
And look.
There's a bird livin' in one of them.
" So I decided if people weren't gonna change on their own well, I was gonna have to make 'em change.
I figured people couldn't waste gas if I broke off their air valves and their tires went flat.
when they didn't have that either.
Here we go.
Damn.
Lookin'back, I can see I was losin'my mind a little.
But I was on a mission to save the world, and nothin'was gonna stop me.
It felt good to hit back against all those wasteful people.
Esto iba a ser yo sacándome la cabeza y limpiando el polvo con ella.
Así mejor me puedes ver bailar.
I made a difference today.
Earl Hickey made a difference.
And in a new report, coal pollution from China is believed to contribute to global warming more than all the cars in major U.
S.
cities combined.
- In a lighter note- And that pushed me over the edge.
I wasn't bein'canceled out by all the people in Camden.
I was bein'canceled out by the whole world.
It doesn't matter what I do.
Millions of people are undoin' it! What, am I supposed to go to China and convince everybody to ride bicycles? They'll never go for that.
We're all screwed, man! Screwed! And there's nothin'we're gonna be able to do about it, buddy.
We're screwed, man, screwed! Screwed! Dude, your brother is totally buggin' out.
Woody! There's millions of'em! I can't stop everyone! We're all gonna die! Poof, poof! Poof, poof, poof! - Poof, poof! - Joey, grab his legs.
We got a meltdown.
Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof- I think he's feeling better, guys.
Thanks a lot.
I don't know what to do, Woody.
I can't unknow what I know.
And I can't keep people from doin' what they shouldn't do.
There's a lot in life you- you can't control.
I mean, like, every time it rains, our houses dissolve.
All you can do is keep feeding the cows and rebuilding.
I want to move up here with you guys.
At least you guys get it.
Look, Earl, I have the feeling your list has really opened your eyes to a lot of things.
You're startin' to see all the bad things in the world that need fixing.
But you're trying to take on too much, man.
You can't fix everything out there.
Your list is your destiny.
That's how you're gonna change the world.
But what about the fossilized fuels in China? Why are you thinkin' about China? - Well, you know- "Think global, act local.
" - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's your problem right there.
You're- You're readin' too many bumper stickers, man.
Don't try to think global.
You'll drive yourself crazy.
Think local.
Just take five minutes a day to do something you wouldn't normally do.
If everybody did that, global warming wouldn't be a problem.
You dig? Oh, and, uh, you know what they said about, uh, eatin' an apple a day? Don't, 'cause they're loaded with pesticides.
And whoever said laughter was the best medicine never had gonorrhea.
Woody was right.
I still had a bunch of messes on my list that needed cleanin'up before I try cleanin'up the world.
And spendin'five minutes a day helpin'the Earth- Well, it made me feel better even if it did get my fingers a little sticky.
Plus, once I calmed down, I think Randy started feelin'better too.
Hey, Earl.
Yeah, Randy? Who do you think would win in a fight- Muppets or Sesame Street? I don't really think they'd fight.
They're both pretty peaceful.
Well, what if they had to? Like in that head-choppin'- off movie where there could be only one.
Muppets.
Okay.
What about Muppets or Fraggles? - Muppets.
- Okay.
What about Muppets or He-Man? - Just He-Man, or He-Man and his friends? - Just He-Man.
- Muppets.
- That's who I had.
- Good night, Earl.
- Good night, Randy.
Hey, Darnell.
Yeah, Joy? Who do you think would win in a fight- your aunt or my mama? Well, your mom's a scrapper, but my aunt's got reach.
I think I'd go with my aunt.
What about your aunt versus my dad? Does he have a weapon? Like a baseball bat or somethin'? Just chairs.
But they both have 'em.
Mmm.
I'm still gonna have to go with my aunt.
- Even if my cousins got involved? - Yeah.
I assumed they would jump in as soon as my aunt attacked your father or mother or whatnot.
- Your aunt scares me, Darnell.
- Me too.
Maybe we shouldn't do Thanksgiving this year.
I was thinkin' the same thing.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, babe.