Nightcap (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 [energetic brass music.]
Oh, hey.
What's up, Count Dingleberry? Shut up, Randy.
- You got it, C.
D.
! - [sighs.]
What was that all about? Remember Friday, Jimmy had me do that sketch where I played Count Dunberry who's the vampire who likes to drink tea - instead of blood? - No, no.
- I don't think so.
- [overlapping disagreements.]
Okay, well, I accidentally called myself "Count Dingleberry" that was it.
Jimmy made fun of me the rest of the show.
Then, of course, all weekend, I'm walking around, people are shouting at me, "Hey! There goes Count Dingleberry!" "Look! Count Dingleberry!" "Eat a bag of dicks, Count Dingleberry!" I wouldn't worry about it, Todd.
- It'll blow over soon.
- You think? People will be calling you "Todd the Tool" again - in no time.
- I hope so.
I doubt it.
Um - Staci, are are you okay? - I'm fine.
So let's get this meeting started.
It started 20 minutes ago.
Is that the same outfit you were wearing on Friday? I don't think so.
Anyway, we have a great show tonight.
Bob Saget is in the house.
We also have Carrot Top, who please, call him Scott.
- I think he's mature - It is definitely the same outfit because I remember thinking, "That is a hideous outfit.
" And I said, "Who dressed you? Ray Charles?" And you were like, "Uh, Ray Charles is dead.
" And I go, "Stevie Wonder.
" And then I got home, and I thought, "I should have said Andrea Bocelli.
" Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Yes! I-I stayed late Friday night! I got stuck in the elevator all weekend! And I was just freed 15 minutes ago.
So that's why the firemen were here? Whoa! W-w-whoa! There were firemen here? Yeah, every single one of them called me Count Dingleberry.
Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Not really.
- It's okay.
I just please, I just want to put this whole thing behind me.
I can access the elevator's security footage, if you want.
Oh, Phil, please don't do this.
- This is a kind of exploitation.
- Oh, it's not problem.
- Staci's on TV! - Why? Ooh, she looks better in black and white.
- Smoothes out those lines.
- What is she doing with that bottle? She making a pee-pee in that bottle.
- [all groaning.]
- This is going viral.
Staci, what the hell? I was stuck on an elevator! - That's like 15 minutes in! - I have a nervous bladder! I will say, though, her aim is very good.
- Oh, scratch that.
- [all groan.]
Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! - [plug thuds.]
- Enough! - Laptops have batteries.
- [sighs.]
[energetic brass music.]
From studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight, the dirty dad of comedy, Bob Saget the world's funniest vegetable, Carrot Top another fun installment of "Jimmy Walking.
" And now, number five in the ratings, but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy! Oh, Penny, you know that whole elevator thing? It really got me thinking.
You know, I'm basically married to this job, you know? I'm all alone.
I don't have anybody else.
If something happened to me, who would care? I mean, I need somebody beside me, Penny.
Yes! Yes! - A million times yes! - "Yes," what? Oh, you weren't asking me to be your roommate? - No.
- Oh okay, cool.
No, no, no.
I want a baby.
Oh, my God! Wow! That's amazing! Um, but don't you need, you know Oh, a penis! Fine, I'll adopt.
I'll get one of those fat, squishy, Buddha-like Chinese babies.
Okay, that sounds a little racist.
I think I'm gonna get this baby soon.
You think I can get it by Friday? I'm pretty sure that you have to go to China if you want to get a Chinese baby.
I'm not gonna fly to China! I don't have the miles.
I have that bladder thing.
[sighs.]
Do they FedEx? Oh, my God, I'm destined to be alone! - Staci, look at me.
- [groans.]
You will always have me.
Come here.
- In fact - I'm not gonna live with you.
- Cool.
- Be careful.
You know who you got in there.
- Hello.
- There he is! Hi, I'm Malik Walker, the show's publicist.
- Welcome! - Thank you.
Pleasure.
Oh, and this is my assistant, Walter.
- Hello.
- We are so excited to have you here.
I have to tell you, I've waited to meet you for years.
This is such a thrill.
Are you talking to me or Walter? Oh, my God! You're hilarious! - I am, right? - [laughs.]
Yeah! Thank you.
Hey, Walter, look, it's Count Dingleberry.
Damn it.
You too, Bob Saget? - How cool was that? - Very cool.
- And he knew my name.
- So what brings you to "Nightcap"? Are you promoting a new show, or a stand-up special? Well, actually, I'm just gonna talk about Fluffagos.
- Fl-Fluffagos? - Yeah, yeah.
Fluffagos is this toy from Japan, and they are my latest obsession, and I am a huge collectible nut.
- Okay.
- And that's when I first met Walter, at a Zhu Zhu convention.
Yeah, I helped him find the one Zhu Zhu he was missing, - Pipsqueak.
- Best toy guy I've ever had.
Would you like to hear a funny story? You know what? Your dressing room is way down that hall.
I gotta go do some publicity or something.
- She doesn't get it.
- Well, it's hard to get.
Easy, Walter, easy.
We don't want any - of the Fluffagos to hatch.
- Oh! Sorry.
Gingerly, Walter, gingerly.
Hey, Penny, you wanted to see me? - Oh, Staci! - Yeah? I have a presentation for you.
- A presentation? - Yes.
And Deb, being our director, is going to direct.
Hey, Deb.
I can't believe you got her to do something for you.
She's a big meanie.
- Who? Deb? She's a doll.
- Yeah.
You'll love the presentation.
Sit right here.
I'm excited to see it.
I've never seen Not there! Penny? Ready whenever you are, sweetheart.
Okay, let's start "Operation Staci Will Not Die - Pathetically Alone.
" - Okay.
I think we can lose the word "pathetically.
" That was my addition.
Too late to change it.
Lower left chyron, please.
[beep.]
Aww! Is that me? - Ready one, take one.
- [beep.]
As we know, Staci is beyond the age where she can have a baby naturally.
- Ready two, take two.
- Getting babies from other countries is very difficult, and often requires getting on very long flights.
"I'm a bad flier, and I pee a lot!" So what are Staci's other options for companionship as she enters the twilight of her years.
- [monkey chatters.]
- [laughter.]
A monkey is very much like a baby.
A baby who will inevitably rip off your face, - or your testicles.
- [inhales sharply.]
You know, Penny, that actually happened to my uncle.
Oh.
Raised that chimp like it was his own son.
But in the end, you know, a beast - is still a beast, huh? - Mmm.
- Ready four, take four.
- There are other options in the animal kingdom, however.
Dogs.
But Staci is allergic.
Cats.
But they creep Staci out.
Which brings us to Staci's perfect entry-level companion.
Go two.
- A betta fish! - A betta fish? They're smart and cute as can be, and best of all, they only live for a short time.
- Sometimes as little as one day.
- Well, that's a plus.
I mean, I guess I could try.
And so Ta-da! Um, this one is dead, but I'm gonna get you another one.
Penny, I just wanted to tell you that, um you did an amazing job.
- Aww.
- Great work.
Penny, you did an excellent, A-plus She knows.
[lively trumpet music.]
Excuse me.
You forgot to sign in.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.
- Occasionally.
- Okay.
No worries.
I'll do it.
Here you go.
You guys Fluffizens? Yes, I am a proud Fluffizen.
I am a fine member of the Fluffizen community.
Those are my people.
Are you a Fluffizen too? Mmm, I'm really more of a Fluffizen wannabe.
I just have one Mr.
Jelly.
- [gasps.]
What? What? - Mr.
Jelly? - You have a Mr.
Jelly? - Uh-huh.
That is the rarest Fluffago in the world.
Well, well, how did you get it? My friend Masa works for Nokahoma Industries.
He gave it to me, just for fun.
D-do you think there's any way you could get me a Mr.
Jelly? I guess I could just call Masa in Japan and ask him.
You can just call him? That's so cool.
Yeah, I have a phone.
[keypad tone and line trilling.]
Masa! [speaking Japanese.]
- What is he saying? - How would I know? - I'm Chinese.
- No shit? [laughs.]
[speaking Japanese.]
I'm sorry.
It's not gonna happen.
- Why? - 'Cause the rules "Bob Saget.
" Oh, you really are Bob Saget.
[chuckles.]
Fun.
[humming melody.]
Greek yogurt.
"Noice.
" [chuckles.]
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you know if these muffins are banana or corn? I don't know.
Which one you like better? I'll be honest.
I kind of like banana.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Whoa.
- I love a long, delicious - thick - What the Oh, Count Dingleberry! - Deb, not now, please.
- I bet you have a lot of dingleberries in your ass.
Banana muffins? Sweet! She didn't, um God damn it! [groans and grunts.]
Make sure you pay for that, Count Dingleberry.
Hey there, Mommy.
We've been through this.
I could theoretically be your cool sister, or a young, cool aunt who maybe talks too much about boys and sex, but I am not your mommy.
Look who wants to meet you.
[sighs.]
Ohh.
That's not a baby, it's a fish.
I am trying to help you out here.
You said that you wanted to be a parent, and this is the perfect opportunity to get your feet wet.
[chuckles.]
Pun intended.
Fine.
I'm in.
Both feet in.
[laughs.]
Yes! Yes! Okay! - Shh.
- Okay, but Penny, let's let's just make sure this doesn't get really weird.
Okay, but since she's a baby or she will be, you know, in her lifespan for the next 40 minutes I thought she'd get a real kick out of this mobile.
Okay, so, um, I'm just gonna let you two get acquainted.
[puffs air.]
It's ridiculous.
[keys clacking.]
Hi.
- [sighs.]
- I get that it's not easy to embrace this whole "Count Dingleberry" thing, but this could be huge for you.
This could be huge - for "Nightcap.
" - It's trending on four different platforms, and there are already, like, dozens of memes.
- "Memes"? - Both: Memes.
- "Memes"? - Both: Memes! - What are you saying? - Both: Memes.
- "Mims"? - Both: Memes! Eh.
Oh, good.
You know what? Scott here is the perfect example of what I'm talking about.
Scott.
Oh, hey, man.
Thanks for having me, - by the way.
Awesome.
- Good to see you.
Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Scott Thompson.
- You know him as Carrot Top.
- 'Sup, buddy? Wait, your secret identity is Scott Thompson? Don't tell anybody I try to stay unrecognized in public.
- No worries, man.
- Yeah.
Todd is having a problem with his new nickname, - "Count Dingleberry.
" - Oh, wow, that's a good one.
So when Scott was younger, people would call him "Carrot Top" to make fun of him.
- Kids are so mean.
- It wasn't the kids.
It was my parents, and it hurt.
It still hurts.
But you know what it is now? It's a license to print money.
[gasps and laughs.]
What? - A trillion dollars? - One trillion.
- It's all yours.
- [laughs.]
Holy shit! He's not the brightest bulb in the marquee, is he? - No.
- Listen, dude.
Having a bad nickname look at me isn't bad.
Dude, I got a sold-out show in Vegas every night, celebrity friends, drugs, and don't even start with the women.
- Dude, endless.
- But people keep making fun - of me all day, you know? - Making fun of you? Look at me.
It's all they do every day.
Everywhere I go, "Hey, you look like Carrot Top, no offense.
" That's not funny.
Or, "I saw your show.
" It was actually funny.
" What does that mean? They didn't expect it to be funny? But I don't care.
I'm crying all the way to the bank now.
You know what? They actually have these banking apps, so no one will ever see you cry.
Wait, unless you use the app outside.
What Scott is saying is, yes, you can look at Count Dingleberry as a burden, but it's really not.
It's a golden ticket.
Indeed.
It's the best thing that could ever happen to you, promise.
- Trust take it from me.
- See? Oh.
[lively trumpet music.]
Yikes.
Staci? What's going on? You know, it's funny.
Based on her lifespan, she's a teenager, And, boy, is she acting out like one! What's she doing? Oh, she's doing what every teenager does.
Not making eye contact, won't eat a morsel.
I'm not sure that's so much teenage stuff as it it might just be every fish stuff.
You know what? It's fine.
It's not the end of the world.
She'll be hitting her early 20s before you know it.
[phone chimes.]
Well, she's 21.
Are you happy? You can drink now.
God, parenting is a roller coaster ride.
I'm just gonna let you two work it out.
[laughs.]
I did it! You did what? I invested in myself.
I bought over $5,000 worth of Count Dingleberry shirts, hats, beer koozies.
That's a wonderful idea.
Here's the best part, man.
You know Sonya, the prop lady? - Yeah.
- All right, so she knows a guy who made a prototype of a Count Dingleberry bobblehead.
- Wow.
- [both laugh.]
Looks just like you.
Todd, this is brilliant.
Yeah! I mean, I had to rush-order it, so I spent a lot extra on it, but Th-that's fine.
You're gonna make a ton of money.
Right? Oh, check this out.
It gets even better.
It talks.
So many dingleberries! [both laugh.]
Wait, wait, watch this.
Watch this.
You need to wipe better! - [laughs.]
- I'm thinking of making that - my catchphrase.
- That's good.
- What do you think? - That's good.
Hey, Davis.
'Sup, Todd? It's don't you mean "Count Dingleberry"? - Is that still a thing? - Yeah! It's like the new Carrot Top.
Yeah, right.
[sighs.]
What? Bad news, buddy.
I think that window's closed.
You gotta be kidding me! That's the way these things go.
Sometimes you're Coca-Cola, other times you're Crystal Pepsi.
But I love Crystal Pepsi! Put a lid on it, Todd! - You need to wipe better! - Shut up.
You must go home with Mr.
Jelly.
I know.
It's all I care about.
I couldn't care less about this show.
[keys jingling.]
You wanted to see me? There he is.
Thanks for coming, Phil.
So, uh, what you eating there, buddy? Some, uh, oatmeal? It's uncooked.
It reminds me of my childhood.
That's amazing.
You know, I grew up eating uncooked oatmeal too.
Oh here.
You want some? Uh, sure.
That's just great.
Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna do this with you 'cause we we can bond, right? Yeah.
Mmm.
Nice and crunchy.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, Phil, let me ask you.
Is there any way any way I can get you to part with your Mr.
Jelly? Nah, no thanks.
$1,000.
I'll give you $1,000.
Eh.
$2,000.
I'm good.
Phil, $5,000.
Dude, $20,000! 20 I'll give you $20,000! Hard pass, Mr.
Saget.
Phil, I need and I want a Mr.
Jelly.
Is there no amount of money I can give you - that will satisfy you? - Eh! What am I gonna do with money? What about "Hamilton" tickets? I have two for this weekend, - front row, center.
- No thanks.
I haven't read one decent review about that show.
I know Elon Musk.
I can put you online for the cheapest new Tesla that's coming out.
You know, I'm actually a fan of fossil fuels, so Well, Jesus, Phil! What do you want then? What can I do? Just name it! Well, there has been one thing I've always wanted to do since I was a child, watching "Full House.
" So let me set the scene for you.
I'm your rough-and-tumble son from the wrong side of the tracks, and I've come for some tough-love lessons from Danny Tanner.
The whole point is Danny didn't have any sons.
Oh, you gotta, you know, use your imagination.
I didn't grow up with a strong male role model, so it's either this or no Mr.
Jelly.
- I don't know, dude.
- [clears throat.]
Bob.
We've come this far.
You want to go home with a Mr.
Jelly.
[suspenseful music.]
Okay.
You're right.
- Fine.
- Great.
So I've already been through some comedic yet heartwarming foibles over the last 22 minutes, and I just need Papa to bring it home.
So music swells here.
Do do do do doo [whispers.]
And go.
Well, uh, kid, I-I guess you gotta remember to, uh, stay true to yourself, and also, uh don't smoke, I guess.
But what if the kids at school are pressuring me? Well, Phil, just say no.
And? And I don't know.
I'm, uh I'm really proud of you? There's that classic American fathering.
Okay, great.
Are we done? - Can I have my Mr.
Jelly now? - Not so fast.
It's a two-part episode.
I'm also having some trouble with girls.
Oh, God damn it.
[energetic brass music.]
Staci, are you okay? She's separating from me.
I can feel it.
[somber music.]
Well, you can just go to hell for abandoning me! Sorry.
I didn't mean it.
- I'm lashing out.
- You wanna know what I think? I think this morning when you said that you devote yourself too much to your job, you were right.
But I don't think you need a child.
I don't think you ever needed a child.
I think that what you needed all along was to pay more attention to Staci.
Oh, maybe you're right, Penny.
Maybe I should pay more attention to me, you know? How how can I be good to anybody else when I don't know how to love myself? You're very wise, Penny.
Also, I'm pretty sure she's dead.
The hardest thing in life is when a parent has to bury their child.
- I could really go for sushi.
- Mmm! - I could do sushi too.
- Right? - Hey.
- Oh, hey, Bob Saget.
I can see right there in your hands you have a one-of-a-kind Count Dingleberry talking bobblehead, and I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I really, really, really want it.
What's it gonna take? Sky's the limit.
Anything.
- I'll take 20 bucks.
- 20 bucks? Yeah.
[scoffs.]
- There you go.
- Whoa.
Here.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
You need to wipe better! He's not wrong.