No Activity (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Previously on No Activity I'm about to go on an apple break.
You want to join me? Jamal here told me that you forced him into a sexual encounter.
That's a fucking lie.
Get off me! [SCREAMING.]
Get off me! Freeze.
Hands where I can see 'em.
Larry Turnbull, you're under arrest.
You don't want to get involved in this.
There's some money that gets moved around.
We pay for maternity leave, Thanksgiving turkeys, the soup kitchens.
- Cuff him.
- No.
He's like a hero.
Tolbeck.
Tolbeck, Tolbeck - Don't do this.
- Do not do this to me.
- CULLEN: Give me the cuffs.
Give it.
- You can have it.
Oh, shoot.
Hey! COTRIC: I wish you would've hung out with us.
You would love Fatima.
Fatima from Dispatch? So, you proposed the threesome? Yeah, I guess I did propose it.
Don't be alarmed.
I'm just taking my gun out - to use you guys as hostages.
- Whoa, whoa, - whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, Larry! Look, I'm sorry for yelling, - but this is a hostage situation.
- [GUNSHOTS.]
GREG: There's a sewer entry in the laundromat, and the entranceway is on a rooftop just outside the perimeter.
A series of vague directions is not a plan, Greg.
I have left Scientology, but they'll be coming for me.
Yeah, I don't care about his progress.
Who are you talking to? I'm talking to no one, and they're not saying anything about you.
- I am I'm coming back soon! - Is it - Please give me another shot.
- I'm not talking to the church.
- COTRIC: Did he say shot? - FATIMA: No, no, not shot - not "shot" like that.
Do not fire.
- CAPTAIN: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Shit.
CAPTAIN: Alpha Bravo, why did you fire? COTRIC: I thought I had the order to fire.
- CAPTAIN: What channel were you on? - COTRIC: Channel five.
CAPTAIN: You don't take your order from Dispatch, you take your orders from me.
- Don't fire unless I say so.
- COTRIC: Got it.
CAPTAIN: Did you take down a hostage - or the target? - COTRIC: Unclear.
Uh, unclear.
Will determine.
Uh, somebody's down, - not sure who, though.
- CAPTAIN: Motherfucker, if you've killed Larry, we're all gonna hear about this.
Shit.
TOLBECK: Oh, boy.
Well, this is possibly gonna be the end of an era.
I got to say I'm proud of you.
- This is gonna be a big win for you.
- Okay.
- Cullen.
- Yeah.
- Going to the FBI.
- Maybe.
Yep, it's really the end End of an era.
Okay, you said - Thank you.
- Okay.
Don't jinx it.
You know what, let's make this special.
Do you want to just stare into each other's eyes for, like, a full minute? Starting now? - I already started.
- Oh.
- Forget it, forget it.
- Didn't know you were Okay, fine.
FATIMA: Car 27, come in.
This is Car 27.
Go ahead.
Please be advised that FBI will be taking over this operation in exactly one hour.
What?! Why? There's, like, two hostages in there.
They don't think we can handle that? Shots have been fired, someone is down, we're not sure who.
One of the hostages is an FBI agent.
- Whoa.
- Oh, shit.
How did that happen? Classified.
You have exactly one hour to clear the scene and then report to HQ.
Dispatch out.
Fuck, I wish I was them.
Oh, relax.
You'll get your turn.
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I mean, we're the ones who fingered Larry.
We're Now we're not gonna get any credit for taking him down.
None.
- You know what? Forget it.
- What are you doing? - No, no.
What ? - We're We're doing Greg's plan.
That's not a fucking business card.
Look at it.
It's all in highlighter.
How do you read that? - [DIALING.]
- Okay, I'm-I'm going on record: this is a bad idea.
- Okay.
- This is a bad plan.
- Noted.
- [LINE RINGING.]
GREG: Scheller's Tactical Solutions and Hobby Shop, - Greg speaking.
- Hey, Greg, it's Detective Tolbeck! I've been expecting your call.
Listen, all I need for you to say is "Operation Meatpuppet is a go.
" - He's not saying that.
- Oh! Oh! I'm on speaker.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Great! Oh, now I need you both to say it.
It's kind of a deal-breaker if you don't.
- What? - Can I get an iced tea? - Uh, no sweetener.
- I'm not saying it.
- I'm not saying it.
- [WHISPERS.]
: Say it.
So together, on the count of three, one, two, three, go.
BOTH: Operation Meatpuppet is a go.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
GREG: Oh, I Look, I left the map under one of your seats.
- Now, who's gonna find it? - Ooh! - Who Who's got it? - Ooh.
- Who's the lucky one? - Me! - Me! I got it.
I won! - Okay.
Okay.
There you go.
Now, you guys, you got to wait for my diversion.
I mean, to you, it'll have the unmistakable properties of a diversion.
To the hostage-taker and his hostages, it will divert their attention, because they're not anticipating it.
- They will not - You know what, Greg? Forget about this.
I'm sorry we called.
We're not doing it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Too late.
- No, it's not too late for it.
We're calling it off.
Operation Meatpuppet is a go.
There is no squeezing this squid back into the can.
How's that iced tea coming? What have we done? What have we done? Yeah, this is probably a big mistake.
Delta Tango, switch to three.
Hey, uh, listen.
That was kind of your fault.
Are you being serious right now? Look, I have a perfect record.
I don't want to get into a whole thing.
It's gonna be a lot of paperwork for me.
- You just log it in.
- Oh, I'm real sorry you won't have your perfect record.
You have to slum down here with the rest of us.
Anyone can see that shot came from your position.
Oh, I see.
Okay, great.
So you get to be a platinum gay, but I can't be a platinum sniper? Oh, my God, that is not the same thing at all.
Oh, no.
You know what? You're right.
It's not.
I earned mine.
You basically made yours up based on some pathological fear of women.
[SCOFFS.]
Grow up, Nancy Drew.
So you're not gonna take the shot? Nope.
You're not taking the shot? I promise you I will not be doing that, yes.
- Okay, bye.
- Oh, real mature.
You're Wow.
Just cutting communication in the middle of a live siege.
This is this is some of your finest work.
Huh.
[GRUNTS.]
- What are you doing? - I'm going for his gun.
[GROANING, GRUNTS.]
What the fuck were you gonna do shoot yourself free? I don't know.
I was doing something.
I don't see you doing anything.
If you want to get his gun, you got to do little shimmies.
And you got to get the back of your chair up against his hip.
All right, why don't you show me how it's done, genius? I am.
- Hurry up.
- I'm getting there.
Oh, you're not moving very quick.
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Fuck off, Dustin.
You fell, too.
Sure.
Yeah, but you had an example of what I did.
You had some big plan of tiny shimmies, but look at you now.
Shut up! Ah! Joke's on you.
I like the way your spit tastes.
FATIMA: Hey, it's Fatima.
I'm completely swamped over here and Zach has gone AWOL.
Can I get someone else into dispatch? MAN: Copy that.
We have someone coming in, - will be there soon.
- Copy that.
Oh, my God.
Janice.
You came back.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Okay, well, let me catch you up.
The other guy who was here, replacing you, was a total anus.
[LAUGHS.]
He left in the middle of the night to go get audited, like, Scientology audited.
So weird.
Not like IRS audited.
Oh, my God, I missed you so much.
So do you want me to catch you up on the siege? Oh, yeah, no, I'm trying to avoid stressful situations.
- Oh.
- - Yo.
- Yeah, huh.
What's this? What's this about? Make it happen.
You tell me.
It's just a little reminder about what life's about.
Uh, like, make a mountain happen? I don't get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Fatima.
I mean, there's not really an answer.
You either get it or you don't.
You know, trees grow or they don't.
You breathe air or you don't.
It's whatever you want to make of it.
You know? It's what you project onto it.
You know? It's-it's it's whatever it is or it's not.
Okay.
Where'd you get it from? Elementary school dumpster.
Oh.
Why were you there? Exactly.
Why was I there? You-you good? You been feeling okay? Oh.
I feel fantastic.
Just making it happen.
Mason got accepted into the disturbed teen charity network.
They accepted him right away.
And he got a mentor who's making it happen.
A lovely, well-connected gentleman who got him into the school, and he just waived all those lawyer fees.
So that was a big help.
Again, just making it happen, day by day.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Janice, that's-that's really good news.
- I know.
Well, I'm-I'm happy to hear that Mason's getting the attention that he needs.
- Um, what's that you're taking? - Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Sorry.
It's time for me to take them.
Um, I call them my little friends.
They're white Minions.
Oh, did you ever see the movie White Minions? It's such a great film.
We all watched it together in the ward.
The ward.
Like, a psychiatric ward? Yeah, the ward.
We would just call it "the ward.
" You know, like, "ward up"? Ha, ha.
[LAUGHS.]
That's ward humor.
Anyway, I'm gonna go get myself a hot cup of chamomile tea.
Can I get you one? - Chamomile tea? - Mm.
You used to say, "All that hot cat piss you're drinking "is turning you into a piss-filled motherfucker, Fatima.
" Well, that certainly sounds like something I used to say, but and I accept the fact that I said things like that, and I would like to apologize, so please, accept my apology wholeheartedly.
Okay.
So, can I get you the tea? CULLEN: You know what? Why are we doing Greg's plan? Greg's plan is not gonna work.
I know, but maybe that's a good thing.
Do we really want to be known as the guys who brought Larry down? Yes, we do.
- Even with all of these - I don't care - about the hate e-mails.
- Really? - Yes, I don't care.
- What ab - How about this one? - No.
"If Larry goes down, the kids college fund goes down with him, you pin dicks better pray he doesn't.
" "Larry Turnbull helped my family buy our house.
He's a saint.
" - Oh.
- "You two aren't worth - the crusty buildup off of his " - Okay.
I want to see where this is going.
- No, I don't.
" - off of his dick.
" - That's horrible.
- Think I saw that coming.
I was expecting something more imaginative.
Oh, here's one from SeaWorld.
It's an offer for free tickets.
Okay.
"Fuck you, guys.
Larry's the best.
" You know what? - Haters gonna hate, Tolbeck.
- Hmm.
You see, if we took Larry down, it clears your name and we're gonna give me a leg up on the FBI.
Can you imagine me walking out of there with a hostage who's an FBI agent? - I am imagining it.
- Yeah.
- It's amazing.
- Exactly.
That's my point.
There wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.
Why would people be crying? Tears of joy.
Are you kidding me? Right.
Just don't Tolbeck me on this, okay? You mean, do Tolbeck you.
No, don't-don't Tolbeck me.
Tolbeck is a good thing, though, right? No.
No.
- It's not a good thing.
- Are you sure? I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
- You know what? - Hmm? I'm really gonna miss these misunderstandings.
[MARCO GRUNTING.]
God, come on.
How are your ropes coming? [SIGHS.]
What's wrong? What's wrong? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you being such a fucking liar.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I lied to you.
I deceived you so that I could do my job.
Okay? But that doesn't mean that I'm not in love with you.
That doesn't mean that all the other stuff wasn't true.
How am I supposed to trust a fucking word you say? - Okay, okay, okay.
- I just found out your name is Dustin, for Christ's sakes.
Listen, from this point forward, absolute transparency.
You can ask me anything you want and I'll tell you the truth.
Okay.
Are you really in the FBI? - Yes.
- Fuck.
Were you lying just now? - No.
- Fuck.
Where'd you get Nathan from? - Was he an FBI bird? - No, no.
He came from the zoo.
I-I was being truthful Well, the FBI did commandeer him from the zoo.
So, I guess kind of both are true, for absolute transparency's sake.
Okay.
So he'd really never been in a cockfight before? Oh, no, not at all.
I think-I think kids used to feed him, honestly.
Huh.
The only reason he won that fight was 'cause of us.
'Cause we trained him to be a killer.
- Yeah.
- That bird was a docile bird bringing joy to children.
We turned him into a cold-blooded murderer - and cannibal.
- That's true, we did.
- That was us.
- Yeah, you're damn fucking right it was us.
- Do you love me? - I do.
You want to know when I knew I loved you? Yeah.
It was that time when we jerked off Nathan together before the fight.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I don't know, from that moment on, I knew you were the girl for me.
And you're the girl for Daddy.
Yes, dispatching a unit immediately.
Copy that.
Stand by.
Out.
Oh, okay, so we have to dispatch another unit, Janice.
Janice.
Janice.
Janice.
- Janice, are you meditating? - Oh.
It helps me feel calm.
Wow, that's great.
Things are kind of busy here, you know? Mm, yeah, they're busy, - but not stressy.
- Okay.
Yeah.
You don't seem stressed.
That's interesting.
The thing is, I'm trying to, um, coordinate a siege alone.
That's why I'm so stressed.
- Oh.
- I could really use your help.
Sure, well, I'm sympathetic to your needs, but I really don't want your problems to become my problems.
You know, I really miss the old Janice.
- Mm, oh, I'm so flattered.
- Could really use her.
Well, she's not here.
So Mason's back on track, huh? Mm, he is back on track.
He is up.
Great.
That's great, so no more blackmailing people, or, like, hacking into computers, and - No.
- He's changed.
He's changed.
He's a nice boy.
He has nice friends.
He's in a nice school.
I couldn't say anything nicer.
You want to know what I think? - Okay.
- Well, I think, in about a year, you'll be talking to Mason through a one-inch-thick layer of plexiglass.
Yeah, I think he doesn't belong in a nice school.
He belongs in a supermax prison because he's a sociopath.
I mean, Mason could have a million mentors, really.
Mentors, connections, the president it doesn't really matter.
You can't hide the fact that a turd remains a turd.
What do you think of that, Janice? I think I never noticed the snow on the mountain in that poster before.
I think I always thought it was frosting.
I don't know.
Just never really thought about it, and I've been staring at it for a long time and it changed my life, and I never noticed.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get back to the unit.
[PIGEON COOS, WING FLAP.]
Is that a diversion? - No, that was a pigeon.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Hey, you know this could be the last time that I mistake a bird squawk for a diversion.
I remember when you first came to this car.
Boy, you were so young and fresh-faced.
You were a kid.
But look at you now, with your wrinkles and gray hair and puffiness all around your face and your bloodshot eyes.
Your skin is horrible.
You're like an aging, sun-beaten, lesbian paddle boarder.
Look at you now.
- You're a mess.
- Okay.
Is this your going away speech? - 'Cause it-it needs a little work.
- Mm.
And let me just say, what I'm gonna miss about you - Hmm? - You know those moments - where you go and get us coffee? - Yes.
And you're gone for, like, three minutes, four minutes? Yes.
Those are the moments, you know? The golden moments for me.
Yeah.
I get it.
- Mm.
- It's the, uh, moments of anticipation of when I'll be returning.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, God.
- LARRY: Mm, yeah.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, Larry.
- [GROANS.]
- Larry-Larry's okay.
What happened? What the hell is going on? - MARCO: Ooh! Larry, careful, careful.
- Yeah.
You, uh, you got shot in the head, buddy.
- No! Excuse me - What? No.
You got grazed by a bullet.
Yeah, you walked over by the window, - and then a sniper shot you - You're gonna spook the baby.
A sniper shot me? Yeah, but maybe it just grazed you? FRANKIE: Yeah, it just grazed you.
- It's not bad? - It's not bad at all.
- Oh, it's fine.
- Stop it.
No, you just got nicked by a bullet.
It's nothing.
- You could barely see it.
- How'd you guys end up on the ground? - Uh, we fell down.
- Yeah, we fell down.
You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys.
Thank you, Larry.
That's very neglectful on my part.
Ladies first.
Yes, we're doing everything we can.
Stand by.
Janice, where have you been? The FBI is, like, 15 minutes away from taking over the entire operation.
Mm, I'm sensing a lot of anxiety here.
- Oh, you are? - Yeah.
That's so interesting that you're noticing between all the chamomile tea and the pills and the meditation.
I'm no longer a slave to stress.
Well, that's fucking great, Janice.
Unit 52, dispatch to Turnbull's house.
FBI wants to question Larry's wife.
Larry? Yeah.
He has the hostages.
Larry Turnbull is the gunman? Yeah.
You're pretty much caught up.
Oh, also, one of the hostages is FBI.
Holy shit! Fuck! Balls! Oh, my God! Larry is Mason's mentor! Larry made it all happen! Are you kidding me? He made everything happen! The-the-the expulsion, the lawyer fees, - it all hinged on Larry! - No.
Janice.
- J-Janice, hold on, hold on.
- Oh, don't! Shut up, Fats! They're just placebos.
I can't take medication.
I have allergies! I'm riddled with them.
Get on the radio over there and get in on this siege.
Come on, let's go, go, go, go! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
DUGAN: Danny.
Danny.
Danny, damn it, you're being ridiculous.
Oh, I'm back.
Am I being ridiculous, Alec, am I? Yes, you are being ridiculous.
In fact, I think someone's having a little tizzy.
Oh, you want to see how much of a tizzy I can have? Alpha Bravo to Dispatch.
Fatima, are you there? FATIMA: Copy that.
COTRIC: Hey, Fatima, it's me, Danny.
- Can you switch to five? - Switching to five.
Fatima, uh, look, I'm real sorry about the whole unicorn thing.
Maybe maybe you and I should just go out, the two of us? Yeah, I think I'm good.
Oh, come on, you were into it before.
Yeah, that was before your weird mom shit.
Oh, don't worry about the weird mom shit.
Come on, that's over.
Is this the sniper who shot Larry? Oh, my God, this is such bullshit.
Well, who is this? Who is this? This is the third corner of the lamest love triangle in history.
Wait, is this a gay sniper threesome? - Who's this? - I've been in Dispatch long enough to recognize a sniper threesome.
A couple of big, butch sharks using unsuspecting girls as chum? Jesus Christ, you snipers never change, do you? You dumb frat boys with your blue balls, gorilla foreheads, sneak in here to lure Fatima into some pathetic spit roast, is that it? [LAUGHS.]
You really are a stupid-ass, - regular son of a bitch! - What? Never call a gay son of a bitch a gay son of a bitch; just call him a regular son of a bitch.
Okay, that way you can't be accused of hate speech.
And that one's for free.
And another thing, you regular son of a bitch.
You know, you people make me sick, and by "people," I don't mean gays, I mean snipers, so don't go accusing me of homophobia, you cocksuckers, because I've marched in more gay pride parades than you've had hot jizz on your belly.
Okay? So just go screw you and your motherfucking partner.
Is that the right term now? What happened, a merger? Are you a Time Warner? Now eat some dicks.
And if I find out that you killed Larry, I'm gonna castrate you sick dogs with a cheese grater.
- Coffee? - Absolutely.
Great.
Get me one while you're at it.
This chamomile tastes like placenta.
[ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK.]
GREG: One, two, one, two.
Is this thing on? - Hello? - Wait, is that Greg? - Yeah.
- Larry! - One, two.
One, two.
- TOLBECK: So, what, is this the diversion? - Do you hear me? - I guess.
Larry, this is your brother, Greg.
The police are allowing me to speak to you on behalf of the fact that we're related to each other.
'Cause we're brothers.
Looks like your brother's out there.
I don't have a brother.
CULLEN: Okay, this is it.
This is the diversion.
- This is the diversion? - Yeah.
What's wrong? - It's just a weak diversion.
- Well, what did you want? I don't know, like, a firecracker or something exploding, dynamite.
- Tolbeck, Tolbeck - Marching band.
Tolbeck, Tolbeck, the diversion is for other people, okay? Not for us.
It's a signal for us.
It's a diversion for them.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Are you ready? We're gonna do this? - Yeah, yeah, you're right.
- It's hero time.
Let's go.
- Yes, let's do it.
Okay, let's go.
You know, a naked woman, that's a great diversion.
GREG: It's called symmetry, pal.
So, what'd you do, pal? They tell me you were corrupt.
"For what profits a man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?" Well, he-he gains the whole world.
That's actually in the quote.
Uh, forget I said that.
Sometimes you just hate the whole great American love story.
Boy meets dollar, boy loses dollar, boy finds dollar.
Are you corrupt? Fuck yeah! All money is dirty.
All motives are dirty, and all thoughts are filthy.
You know what else is filthy? The water! There's lead in the water.
There's antidepressants in the ocean.
There's plastic in the fish.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- It says to go to the left.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Pink.
Pink.
- That one.
To the left.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Where you going? Wait.
No, it says pink, - make a left.
- Yeah, no, this is orange.
- That's orange? - I think.
- This highlighter.
- I can't fucking read.
- I think that's it.
Come on.
- Aah.
Hey, did you know nothing rhymes with "orange"? - Shush.
- You think society's divided? Take a look at your own mind, man! Your brain is a computer running an unhappiness program.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, wait, no, no, that, that, that.
Uh, "Dolphin dolphin smoking a cigar.
Use the lad-dar.
" - Lad-dar, lad - The ladder.
Ladder! - Great, great.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, this is fun.
[MUFFLED.]
: Shut up.
You're not alone, Lar.
You're not alone.
Every minute of every day, people are having babies, and every one of them's a little more cockeyed.
CULLEN: Come on.
You okay? - Come on, quick, quick.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We're on the roof.
- I know.
Come on.
We said this we said this before.
Roof.
Okay.
Okay, uh, this way.
I think this way.
All right, let's do it.
Larry, I got news for you.
You are an outlaw in a society that has outlawed outlaws.
Here we go.
You good? - Yeah.
- You good? Stay with me.
- Stay with me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I can't do it.
- You can.
- Just hop across.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Quickly.
- Okay, you know what? I'm heavy.
- I'm weighed down.
- No, no, you're fine.
- No, no.
- It's not far.
Here, just take my gun.
- What? No.
Hey! Whoa! - Here, take that.
- Just, you know what? - Handcuffs.
- This stuff'll keep me weighted down.
- Tolbeck.
- Phone, wallet.
- Shit.
- Hey.
- Okay, here we go, here we go.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- A-And three, two, one, go! [SHUDDERS.]
- Okay.
- You know what? Just wait here.
- I'll be I won't be long, okay? - No, don't leave me up here.
- Just give me a second.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Quickly.
Who are we? We're cannibals with a meat allergy.
It's not "give and take" anymore, Lar.
It's "grab and take.
" [CHUCKLES.]
- Kind of like this guy.
- I know, right? Not bad.
- Tolbeck, you can do this, you can do this.
- Here we go.
For the money.
- Yeah.
- Ready? One, two, three, go! - Okay.
- Go.
No.
See, you're looking at me.
Don't look at me, man.
I don't like that.
- Okay.
- Look away.
All right, I'll look away.
GREG: We're living in a postapocalyptic wasteland, and we didn't even get the goddamn apocalypse! Unless, uh, it happened one night when we were all hunched over our screens.
Anybody see a bright flash one night? All right, I'm-I'm gonna get back on track.
- Okay, here we go.
- Fuck, Tolbeck! Would you stop yelling at me? Your yelling is not helping.
- Say something positive, okay? - Okay.
You-you can do this.
You can do this.
- You're great at jumping.
- Okay.
Okay? We have spent a century sitting behind desks.
We're like the goddamn people of Pompeii, and if they excavate us in a hundred years, all they're gonna find is a bunch of sad, chair-shaped creatures.
- Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Go.
- Mmm - Go! Okay, I need a running start.
All we want is a friend, all we want is a partner, all we want is a coconspirator to listen to us.
Danny, I need to tell you something.
I'm not a platinum gay.
GREG: We are lonely.
We are isolated and alienated.
DUGAN: I was 11 years old.
I was helping a friend's sister onto a zip line, and well, my hand lightly brushed against her vagina.
What? She wasn't wearing any underpants? On a zip line? She was a weird kid.
Okay, Tolbeck, you can do this.
We're gonna save the day, okay? We're gonna be heroes.
We're gonna get medals.
I'm gonna get in the FBI, okay? All because of you and this jump that you can do now! All we want is someone to love us and not give us a one-star Yelp review.
Hey, look, Alec, you know I don't give a fuck what you are.
I fuckin' love you.
I fuckin' love you, too.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do this.
- Here we go.
And three, two, one, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Go! Tolbeck ! Oh! Shit! - Tolbeck! - Ow! - Are you okay? - Officer down.
Officer down.
Okay, you look okay.
I'm gonna keep going, all right? No, wait, don't go! [PANTS.]
: I think I've done something to my ankle.
Can you move, buddy? I'm trying.
Aah! I'm Okay, I'm stay I-I won't go.
I won't go.
I'll stay here.
Fuckin' Tolbeck'd me on this.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing.
[SIGHS.]
Let's face it, Larry.
Let's be honest.
You and me we're not brothers.
I don't even know you.
These g - [ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK.]
- I'm-I'm, like, halfway done.
I'm halfway.
He's right.
What's the point? I want to give myself up.
That's it.
Okay, hang on.
Listen, this is what we're gonna do.
I can walk him out, safely.
Okay? You're gonna turn yourself in, but I'll make sure you're treated fair, okay? I'm FBI.
Give me your gun.
And you you're gonna get the fuck out of here.
- All right.
- Okay? I'll find you.
You better, Daddy.
FRANKIE: Now, shut up and kiss your daddy.
- [MOANING.]
: Oh, beautiful - "Daddy"? Are you Daddy or is she Daddy? Oh, she's Daddy.
Now, let's get the fuck out of here.
Cullen.
- I was close, wasn't I? - Yeah, you were close.
You know, with another try, I think you could make it.
- For sure.
- Oh, Cullen, I'm sorry.
- I ruined everything.
- No.
You're not gonna get in the FBI now.
No, hey, don't be sorry.
You know, this isn't the end.
Stop! Freeze! Don't move! Don't move.
TOLBECK: Cullen! Don't go! Don't leave me! MAN: It's over, guys.
The siege is over.
They're coming out.
MARCO: I'm an FBI special agent! I've got Detective Turnbull, - and I'm bringing him out.
- [SIRENS WAILING.]
He is unarmed.
I have his firearm in my left hand.
Please put your weapons down.
Guys? Come on.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I got one.
I got her I got her out of the back.
I arrested her.
You FBI? Great.
Thank you.
CULLEN: Hey, how you guys going? You FBI? FBI? Yeah.
You took down Larry? Much respect.
Much respect.
I kind of put him up there, so I guess, uh, I set him up, you guys knock him down.
That's a good team.
Hey, uh, this is weird, but I got an application in with you guys.
Uh, just wondering if you could put in a good word for me.
You know, I'm the guy who took down Larry's accomplice.
- Anything you could do would be great.
- Yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
We'd love to help.
What's your name? - Uh, Detective Cullen.
- Ah.
Great.
- You know what, Detective Cullen? - Yeah? Buddy, tonight's your night.
- Great.
- Right? I am personally gonna go back to the Bureau, I'm gonna find your application, and I'm gonna tear it up into tiny little pieces, and then I'm gonna eat all of the pieces of your application, so that I can shit it out later.
And then I'm gonna go and I'm gonna find the people in the recruitment office, and I'm gonna tell them your name, and if you reapply, they're gonna send that application to me.
I'm gonna eat that application, and I'm gonna shit that out.
And every time I shit your application out, I'm gonna box it up and I'm gonna send it to your house.
Okay? That's what I'm gonna do to your application, 'cause you will never, ever get into the FBI as long as I'm in this Bureau.
You got that, pal? Wipe that smile off your face.
- Hey, hey, hey! - You son of a bitch! - Hey! - You laugh at me? - I will destroy you! Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
- I will end you, - Detective Cullen! - Okay.
Oh, I would love I would love to destroy you.
Okay, let me go, let me go, let me go.
I'm fine.
I got to go.
My-my partner's pretty sick anyway.
- Kind of got banged up, so.
.
- Oh, no! Oh, oh, oh, everybody, hold everything! - Good job.
- Detective Cullen's partner is sick! Oh, no! What's gonna happen? Where you going? Where you going, you're just gonna kind of wander away? Look around? What a fuckin' piece of garbage.
["DO I STILL FIGURE IN YOUR LIFE" BY JOE COCKER PLAYING.]
NEWSWOMAN: Disgraced police officer Larry Turnbull was dismissed today - from the San Diego Police Department.
- Turnbull was beloved by his fellow officers, known as the "Patron Saint of Police.
" We did it, buddy.
- We sure did.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wild people - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Are you pinning this on, or ? - This is nice.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, can we can we get another, please? Do I still figure In your life Okay.
Uh, here we go.
- [VACUUM WHIRRING.]
- All right.
Hey, Pete.
Hey, Pete.
[GROANS.]
- You okay? - Thank you, buddy.
Hey, thanks for coming out, man.
Way you look The way you smile - So, what'd you think? - Yeah, it was good, right? Yeah.
It could have been better produced, but Well, you know - Hey.
- Whew.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Lot of clumsy cops today.
Yeah, I don't think those were accidents.
[GROANS.]
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Good day.
Oh.
Dickless rats.
- Dickless rats? Us? - Just keep walking.
- Keep walking.
- No.
Hello.
[WHISPERS.]
: Hi.
- Woopsy.
- [GASPS, SHUDDERS.]
Looks like I fucked up there.
You know what that's like.
[SHUDDERS.]
- Yoink.
- WOMAN: Turd-hole.
- You okay? - Yeah.
That's for Larry, you motherfuckers.
Larry was the heart and soul of this department, you rat fucks! Okay.
Okay.
Do I still Figure in your life Do I Do I still figure In your life Do I Do I still figure In your life Do I MAN: Guh-doosh.
[WHIP CRACKING.]
[DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT.]